InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 9: Subterfuge ❯ Misunderstood ( Chapter 8 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
~~Chapter Eight~~

-OoOo OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO-

'If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
'Never make a pretty woman your wife
'So for my personal point of view,
'Get an ugly girl to marry you …'

-'If You Wanna Be Happy' by Jimmy Soul


'You know, she’s gonna rip your balls off and feed ‘em to you for dinner if you don’t straighten up and stop deliberately trying to get her goat.'

'Baa-a-a-a-a-a-aah,' Evan thought with an inward snort.

'Oh, you’re such a hella funny guy!  And that was a sheep, you idiot . . .'

Okay, so he could behave a little better . . . maybe.  Then again, it was entirely too much fun to see exactly how irritated V got, wasn’t it?  Of course, if she figured out that he thought that, he was reasonably certain that there’d be hell to pay . . .

You’re more perverted than I originally thought . . .’

Yeah, and unfortunately, that comment only made his grin widen, anyway.

Glancing up only to find the woman in question dealing him one of the most suspicious looks, bar none, Evan almost chuckled—almost.

Shoving her square glasses up her cute little nose, she shot him a ‘don’t-fuck-with-me’ half-glower as she deliberately opened the black slim-file.  “For the pretrial next week, you will wear a suit.”

Evan blinked and grinned.  “A wha-a-a-at?” he drawled.

She really wasn’t amused.  “A suit, Mr. Roka. Slacks, dress shirt, tie, jacket . . .”

“Oh, yeah, I don’t have one of them,” he said with a lazy wave of his hand.

She wasn’t impressed.  “And underpants.”

He made a face.  “I really ain’t got none of those.”

She didn’t look especially surprised.  Evan wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.  “Then get some,” she replied evenly.

She was doing a damn fine job of not letting him get to her.  He had to give her that, at least.  If he looked really closely, he might be able to see steam escaping from her ears, though . . .

“All right; all right, I’ll see what I can do,” he muttered but spared her a surreptitious look.  “Hey, V . . .”

She heaved a sigh, probably at the deplorable name he insisted on using for her, he figured.  “What, Mr. Roka?”

He was actually rather proud that he managed to keep a straight face as he asked his next question.  “Where do I buy underpants?”

Those incredible eyes of hers slowly flicked up to meet his, narrowing just enough in a ‘fuck-you-and-the-horse-you-rode-in-on’ expression.  ‘Damn, she’s fucking hot,’ he mused.

“At the store, Mr. Roka,” she gritted out from between clenched teeth.

“Aww, baby, why you gotta play me like that?” he complained.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head before tapping the slim-file against her palm.  “Anyway, you do have to be there, so I advise you for your own sake not to say even one word.  Do you understand?”

He blinked and grinned widely.  “Yus!” he exclaimed.

She heaved a sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose.  “Trying to talk to you is like trying to talk to a kindergartener . . .”


Evan blinked but was not surprised to see Bugs dash around the wall that separated the living room from the foyer with tears in his eyes and a very recognizable brown envelope in his hand.  Today, he was decked out in an obscenely short black leather micro mini and a white mesh, long sleeved jersey along with a pair of black fishnet stockings—he could see the rabbit-youkai’s black satin garters holding up the top edges—and what had to be six inch stiletto ho-boots.  All in all, vampy, trashy, and completely fuck-me, which was probably the look he was going for . . . “Whazzamatta, Bugsy?” Evan crooned as Bugs threw himself onto the sofa and buried his face against his chest.

He sent me a letter!” Bugs announced breathlessly—dramatically—as he waved the envelope under Evan’s nose.

Cocking an eyebrow, Evan slipped an arm around Bugs’ shoulder and smacked a deplorably loud kiss on his forehead.  He intercepted Valerie’s raised-eyebrow-ed look and winked at her.  “Doesn’t he send you letters all the time?”

Bugs nodded earnestly.  “Uh huh, uh huh, but this one is different!  I can feel it!”

Evan nodded slowly.  “Okay, so what’s the big guy got to say this time?”

“Well, he—” Cutting himself off abruptly, Bugs sat up straight and turned to cast a seething glower in Valerie’s direction, slowly letting his gaze travel up and down her frame before he turned to Evan once more.  “What is that?” he demanded, poking a finger over his shoulder, ostensibly indicating that he objected to the lawyer’s presence.

“That’s my lawyer,” Evan pointed out.  “Ain’t she fuckable?”  She narrowed her eyes at him as she crossed her arms over her chest, nostrils flaring with her silent indignation.

Bugs considered that then uttered a terse ‘hmph’.  “That is going to keep you out of the big house?”

Evan nodded again.

Bugs wiggled his nose—a quirk of his whenever he was considering something that he thought was important.  “It has breasts,” he pointed out coolly.

Evan’s grin widened as he slowly looked her over, too.  “Oh, yes, it does,” he agreed.  For a moment, he thought that maybe she really was going to walk over and beat him, and he could only hope that she really would . . . Valerie’s expression didn’t change, aside from the pointed quirking of an articulated eyebrow.  Evan nearly laughed but thought better of it.

“It has to go,” Bugs stated.  “I cannot talk about him if that is sitting there, staring at me . . .” Whipping around to face the woman, Bugs leaned forward to waggle a finger in her direction.  “Take a picture, honey, ‘cause it’s the closest you’ll ever get to my Zelicious!”

Valerie opened her mouth to say something—probably something completely cruel, but Evan was faster.  “V, would you mind . . .?” Evan drawled, jerking his head toward the kitchen.

He really didn’t think she was going to comply, but she finally rolled her eyes and slowly uncrossed her legs—Evan about died.  ‘Would it be so bad to get a glimpse of her panties?’ he railed silently.  Then she stood up and stalked out of the room.

Bugs heaved a sigh of relief as Evan tried not to be too obvious as he swung his head around to watch her departure.  ‘Damn, that ass . . .’

I wanna bite that,’ his youkai said.

Evan sighed, long and loud, shifting slightly since he’s actually been decent enough to pull on a pair of ratty jeans before he’d let her into his house.  ‘Me, too . . .’

Zel!” Bugs grouched, waving the letter under his nose once more.  “I’m having a crisis, and you’re eyeballing some woman’s cookies!

“But I like cookies!” he protested then sighed when Bugs pulled a pout.  “Okay, Bugsy . . . I’m all yours.”

“I wish,” Bugs muttered.  Drawing a deep breath, he held the letter out to Evan.  “I can’t!  I just can’t!  You do it!”

Nodding solemnly, Evan took the letter and poked the claw of his index finger into the crease in the flap that sealed it closed.

“Wait!” Bugs screeched, slapping a hand over the envelope to stop Evan.  Closing his eyes and drawing a few more breaths, he pressed the palm of his hand against his chest to center his chi, or so he’d say if Evan asked, he opened his eyes and nodded.  “Okay.”

Evan stared at him for a moment longer.  He was quite used to this particular little scenario.  It always happened whenever Bugs got, what he called, ‘The Letter’.  When Bugs rolled his hand impatiently, Evan nodded and started to slit the top once more.

“Wait!” Bugs howled, waving his hands like a lunatic—or a little girl.  “What if it’s good news?” he whined.  His eyes widened in a completely appalled sort of expression.  If he weren’t wearing a ton of makeup, Evan had to wonder if the rabbit’s skin had paled at whatever scenario he’d concocted in his head.  “What if it’s bad?

“Why don’t you open it, doll-baby?” Evan coaxed, holding out the letter.

Bugs pushed his hand away and shook his head staunchly.  “Oh, no!  No, no, no, no, no!  That would jinx it, Zel Roka, and you know it!”

Evan heaved an exaggerated sigh and shrugged.  “Do you want me to open it?”

Bugs considered that then nodded once.

“Do you really want me to open it?”

Bugs nodded again, a little more vigorously.

“And you’re sure?”

“For the love of gays, Zel, yes!

Evan chuckled—then he ripped the envelope open before Bugs could stop him again.

“Oooh,” Bugs whined, hunching forward with his hands balled into fists, thumping against his knees as he shook his legs impatiently.  “Read it!”

Casting the rabbit a sidelong glance, he quirked an eyebrow.  “You want me to read it?”

“Yes!”  Flopping against the back of the sofa, Bugs draped his forearm over his eyes.  “I can’t bear to read it myself.”

Evan grinned and nodded vaguely.  No, he never could, could he?  He pulled out the letter, letting all the other stuff fall onto the floor at his feet.  It only took a moment to scan it over, and he slowly shook his head.

“Well?” Bugs demanded, his face contorting from the sheer torture of waiting.

“I’m sorry, Bugsy,” Evan replied.  “They just want you to buy some magazines.”

“Those bitches!” Bugs gasped, snatching the form letter out of his hands.  He looked it over then heaved a sigh.  “And here I thought that this was the big one,” he whimpered as big fat tears welled in his eyes.  “Ed McMahon should be shot!”

Evan chuckled and slouched back.  “Sorry to tell you, sweetie, but that dude’s been dead for years.”

Bugs heaved a sigh and snuggled against Evan’s chest.  “But I don’t like any of their magazines,” he pointed out, his bottom lip quivering.

Evan nodded.  “Well, they do have A Bug’s Life,” he pointed out.

Bugs wrinkled his nose and snorted.  “But that’s about bugs not Bugs . . . A shame, though . . . a magazine about me would be so too-too, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, it would,” he agreed without batting an eye.

Bugs tensed when Valerie strode back into the room once more with a glass of iced tea in hand and a completely blank expression on her face.

“Aww, you didn’t bring me a beer,” Evan complained.

“Drop dead,” she retorted mildly as she sat back down in the overstuffed chenille recliner she’d commandeered shortly after her arrival.  When he’d asked her if she wanted to stretch out on the sofa, she’d only narrowed her eyes and told him that she’d rather be buried in a wooden coffin full of termites.  He wasn’t sure if she was objecting to the stretching out part or the fact that the sofa in question was forged out of a huge block of metal . . .

Bugs leaned away long enough to hiss at her, which she also ignored as she calmly continued to sip her iced tea, much to his chagrin.  “I don’t like it,” he pouted at Evan.

But I do,’ Evan thought then shook his head since he was relatively sure that V wouldn’t really appreciate his commentary at the moment.  “Now, Bugsy . . . don’t be catty.”

Bugs snorted and moved in even closer against Evan’s side.  “I can’t help it.  I’m channeling my inner bitch.”

“Put the claws away, doll-baby.  She’s got to get my nuts out of the D.A.’s vise before you can have at her . . . ‘Sides . . . I’m pretty sure that she could easily kick your ass and mine at the same time.”

Oh, she really did almost smile, though she managed to hide it easily enough.

Bugs heaved a sigh designed to let Evan know exactly what he thought of that, but didn’t get a chance to respond when the sound of the door opening filtered through the house.  A moment later, his newest visitor sauntered into the living room with a bright smile, a definite jiggle, and her bouffant ash blonde hair in full bloom.

“Mo-o-o-orning, Zel!  How is that absolutely fantastic aura of yours today?”  Stopping short, she shook her head and crossed her arms over her very ample bosom.  “Why are you wearing clothes?” she asked as if it were the most natural question in the world.

“That was my question, too,” Bugs huffed.

“Bugsy!  Those boots are just fabbie!  Has Maddy seen them?”

“That huss can get her own,” Bugs replied, fluttering a hand dismissively.  “But aren’t they just beyond yummy?”

“I could floss my teeth with them,” she assured him with a wink of her false eyelashes.  “Now, Zel, we’ve talked about this.  Clothing inhibits the flow of our chi, especially when we’re in our own homes.  You don’t want to inhibit your chi, do you?”

“Of course not!” he insisted.  “Some people just don’t understand.”

“Hmm . . . it’s very bad for your creativity,” she said slowly.  “Inhibited chi is responsible for all the sappy love songs ever written.”

Evan chuckled and started to sing.  “‘You'd think . . . That people would have had enough of silly love longs . . . But I look around me and I see it isn't so . . . Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs . . . And what's wrong with that ? . . . I'd like to know 'cause here I go again . . .’”

She laughed.  Bugs clapped.  Valerie rolled her eyes.

Grinning widely, he leaned forward to kiss the air beside his visitor’s cheeks as she returned the favor then grabbed one of her very provocatively displayed breasts for good measure.  She swatted him away with a giggle then held her blouse open and shook her shoulders to give him a good look before leaning over to kiss the air beside Bugs’ cheeks, too.  From the other side of the room, Evan didn’t miss the very definite snort coming from Valerie’s direction.

The latest arrival didn’t seem to notice, however, as she carefully wiped the smudge of bright red lipstick off Evan’s cheek.  Bending over with her hands on her knees, her breasts nearly falling out of the filmy faun colored blouse she wore, she stared directly into his eyes.  “O-o-o-oh, sweetie . . . your chi is blocked, isn’t it?  Didn’t you get your morning nookie?”

It was Evan’s turn to pout this time.  Casting Valerie a very pointed look, he shook his head slowly.  “She won’t let me,” he said, jerking his head toward Valerie.

The woman turned to see who Evan was talking about and blinked.  “Oh . . . my . . . God!” she breathed as she slowly circled the table.

The attorney blinked when the Zen-guru grabbed her hands and tugged her to her feet, making no bones about giving her a critical once-over as a huge grin surfaced on her California-tanned face.  Dark brown eyes sparkling as she smiled at Valerie, she let go of her, only to close her eyes as she moved her hands over Valerie’s silhouette without actually touching the puzzled attorney, who shot Evan a questioning glance only to narrow her eyes when she saw the smirk he was struggling to hide.  “Your chi is completely constipated, darling, but it has the potential to be so lovely!”  She gasped suddenly and blinked as her eyes widened.  “Are those real?” she asked suddenly as she reached out and grasped one of Valerie’s breasts.

Valerie’s face turned about ten shades of red as she stammered and stuttered.  Knocking her hand away, Valerie stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest.  “Who the hell are you, and why are you feeling me up?”

The woman laughed, clapping her hands as she bounced up and down a few times, her enormous breasts jiggling in a way that normally made Evan groan.  “Oh, she’s just precious!” she said, leaning to the side as though she were just speaking to Evan, who nodded and covered his mouth with his hand to hide the grin that he couldn’t hold back.  Valerie glanced at him then narrowed her eyes, her nostrils definitely flaring as her temper rose.  She was looking more and more irritated by the second, and he had to wonder if she were more irked with him or with his Zen guru at the moment . . .

“I’m so sorry for not introducing myself properly!” she gushed as she turned back to face the livid attorney.  “I’m Bitches!”

Valerie’s expression blanked as her gaze shifted back to the woman who had just introduced herself.  “Come again?”

Bitches giggled.  “Bitches!” she repeated.  “I’m Zel’s Zen guru.”

“Your name is Bitches,” Valerie repeated, her hazel eyes darkening just a touch.

“Well, it’s a nickname,” Bitches explained as she reached up and fondled her own massive breasts.  “These are the bitches, you see, so the name kind of stuck.  This one’s Chi-chi,” she said, wiggling her right breast.  “And this one is Cha-cha,” she added, wiggling the left one.  “And you are?”

Valerie’s eyes narrowed slightly, her cheeks pinking just a touch when Evan choked out a smothered cough.  She really, really didn’t like Bitches, did she?  And just why, exactly, did that amuse the living shit out of him?  “Valerie,” Valerie intoned.  “Valerie Denning.”

“That’s such a nice name!  So pretty!  It has the potential to be wide open,” Bitches remarked.

Evan choked on a snort of laughter.  Fortunately, Valerie didn’t seem to have heard it or she’d have beaten him, for sure.

“So tell me, Valerie, are you busy tonight?” Bitches went on.


The Zen guru nodded as she tucked a long strand of ash blonde hair behind her ear.  “Mm . . . We could go out to dinner . . . maybe some dancing . . . then I’d be more than happy to help you . . . cleanse your aura . . .” She winked.  Evan choked a little more.  Bugs smacked him with the back of his hand, his eyes on the women and obviously quite enjoying the entire display.

Valerie frowned as she stared at Bitches.  Evan could almost hear the gears turning in her head.  “Are you . . . asking me on a . . . date?” she asked.

Bitches nodded happily.

“A—uh—w—No!” Valerie croaked, sounding a little less like her usual self.  “I’m engaged, sorry.”

Evan snorted.  “Yeah, to a guy named Marvin . . .”

“Oh, dear . . .” Bitches said, fluttering a hand near her lips but not close enough to smudge her lipstick.  “Would he ever consider changing that?  Marvin is such a repressed name . . . because the open ‘v’ is being stifled with the letters on each side; you see?”

“Forget it, toots,” Bugs said as he kissed Evan’s cheek then stood up, wiggling his legs to force the skirt back down.  “Come on . . . We both got the shaft, and not in a good way . . . let’s go get some tea, hmm?  Oh, and then you can take me wherever you got that delicious belt!”

Bitches giggled as Bugs grabbed her hand and headed for the door.  “I’ll be by to check your Zen later, Zel!” she hollered over her shoulder then winked and blew a kiss at Valerie.  “Nice to meet you Valerie!  Zel’s got my number, should you change your mind!”

Valerie didn’t move until after the front door closed, and then she heaved a sigh of relief and slowly shook her head.  “I feel so violated,” she muttered, her cheeks pinking up again.

“What?  You didn’t like Bitches?” Evan couldn’t resist asking as he draped his arm along the top of the sofa.

She snorted indelicately and pinned him with a look.  She looked like she was considering something, and whatever it was she didn’t seem to like whatever conclusion she’d reached.  “Bitches gots to go,” she stated flatly.

Evan blinked as his mouth dropped open.  “But she’s my Zen guru!”

“So find another one,” she shot back.  “One who doesn’t have her dogs loose and running all over the neighborhood.”


“Do you fuck her, too?” Valerie demanded.

Evan blinked again, but then he broke into an entirely cheesy grin.  “Jealous, baby?”

She snorted.  “Hardly, and I’m so not your baby.”

He chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest as he slowly shook his head.  “But to answer your question, no, I’ve never fucked her.  Tried, of course, but she’s a lesbian, and she totally was all up in your stuff . . . not that I blame her, ‘cause, well, you’re hot as shit, V . . .”

She shook her head, as though she couldn’t believe she was actually having this particular conversation with this particular man.  “Get rid of her,” she stated once more.

Evan made a face.  “You’d make me dump my Bitches?” he muttered.  “That’s so cold, V . . .”

“Yeah, yeah, bite me,” she shot back, rolling her eyes, then shook her head then suddenly turned to narrow her gaze on him.  “What did she mean by ‘cleanse my aura’?”

Evan couldn’t help but grin at that.  Standing up so that he could get a beer out of the kitchen, he shrugged.  “She meant she wanted to fuck you.  If you change your mind, can I watch?”

Valerie groaned then choked.  “I think I’m going to go die now.”

He laughed.  “Don’t worry ‘bout it, V,” he called as he grabbed a beer and popped the cap.  “I’ll tell Bitches that you’re my bitches, and then she won’t try to grab your bitches again.”

Her answer was a long, long sigh and something muttered under her breath that he was probably better off not hearing.

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If You Wanna Be Happy’ recorded by Jimmy Soul, 1963.  Written by and copyright to Frank Guida.
Silly Love Songs’ recorded by Wings, 1975, album titled: Wings at the Speed of Sound.  Written by and copyright to Paul McCartney.
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Final Thought from
I was hit on by a woman named BITCHES …?
Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Subterfuge):  I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga.  Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al.  I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.