InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Raiders of the Lost Fanfic ❯ Raiders of the Lost Fanfiction ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, and unless you own the rights to Inu-Yasha, it doesn't belong to you, either.

 

 

Raiders of the Lost Fanfic

 

“In here - watch your step,” Miroku cautioned Kagome. He held out his hand and guided her down into the heart of the ancient tomb. “This is such an incredible find, Kagome! Imagine, a perfectly preserved tomb from the Internet Epoch! And look, the Holy Hard Drive is right where they said it would be!”

 

“Oh, it's beautiful!” Kagome exclaimed. “The Hard Drive of Aunty Awk! No wonder you were so excited to find it! Have you excavated the data yet?”

 

“No, but we retrieved a bunch of the Ancient Circles of Data from a nearby box,” Miroku answered. “I didn't want to extract any data until you arrived; you're much more skilled at the process. I'm afraid I'd wind up erasing these priceless treasures.”

 

“Don't even joke about it!” Kagome shuddered. She dropped her yellow backpack and dug through it, retrieving several gadgets completely unfamiliar to Miroku. “I need about thirty minutes, forty at the most.”

 

“Take your time,” Miroku said, flipping open a current copy of a highly-respected magazine. It contained a lot of pictures of undressed women, but he only bought it so he could read the articles. The columnists made some great…points…in their discussions.

 

“Here it is!” Kagome cried triumphantly after a sufficient time had passed. The strange machine next to the Holy Hard Drive cranked to life, spitting out several sheets of paper. Kagome respectfully handed them to Miroku; he was in charge of the dig, so he should be the first to read. “This is a treatise written by someone named The Apostle of Wank.”

 

“I believe I've heard of him.” Miroku frowned, trying to recall the name. “Oh yes, he wrote of the Great Fandom Division. Of course, most of the scholars believe his works were actually based on some earlier eyewitness accounts, collective known as `The Q.'”

 

Miroku held up the sheet of paper and began to read aloud:

 

For the Girl of the Dog did post many fictions, and yea, her Legion of Fan Poodles sang the praises of her work in a loud voice unto the fandom.

 

But the Girl of the Dog did post these fictions in the public place, both at the House of the Diva and within the Den of Naughty Writings For Those of a Certain Age.

 

And verily, there were those who did raise a voice of protest. “The writings of the Girl of the Dog are filled with that which is reprehensible, for she writes of disturbing love scenes and speaks in the tongue of Fangirls.”

 

And the Girl of the Dog did lay a warning upon those who dared to criticize her work, and told them she was above such advice. And she cried loudly in complaint, with Author's Notes that chastised her detractors.

 

And behold, the Creatures of Fandom Wank did catch hold of these wailings, and did mock her mightily. “She is the Big Diva, but in a different form,” said some, to which others replied, “Nay, she is merely training to be a Big Diva.”

 

And yea, verily, the Girl of the Dog's Legion of Fan Poodles did arise and cry out with an mighty voice, “Woe unto those who inhabit Fandom Wank, for they are of the age of five and thirty, and do live within the basement of their mother's houses. They have forsaken the first rule of fanfiction, which is that thy praises must be loud and thy criticisms quiet!”

 

And the Creatures of the North and South Poles said, “Nay, the True Wankers are of the age of six and thirty, and do write naughty fanfiction in order to halt the boredom of middle age!”

 

And the Creatures of the Tropical Climates said, “Nay, the True Wankers are students of the schools of higher learning, and they do snark with pseudo-intellectualism instead of writing the term papers that the professor's require of them.”

 

And the Creatures of Fandom Wank replied, “Nay, verily, we are in age from eighteen to seventy, of all professions and status, and we are here to mock those who bring wank to the fandom. Also, we liketh the naughty parts.”

 

And the Girl of the Dog did continue to wail, both in the Secret Guild, and in the House of the Diva, and to as many as would hear her. And her faithful minion did attempt to write a fanfiction mocking those Creatures of Fandom Wank, but failed miserably, for the minion did not bring the Funny.

 

And the Girl of the Dog did go forth and proclaim that from this day forward, she would not publish her tales in public unless the Legion of Fan Poodles reviewed her work, begging her to continue.

 

“So what happened next?” Kagome asked, her eyes wide with excitement. “Did the Girl of the Dog leave the fandom forever?”

 

“I don't know,” Miroku frowned. “This is where the ancient text ends.” He thumbed through the pages, squinting at the faded writing. “There is a note here from the Apostle of Wank. He says that he has included a sample of the Girl of the Dog's works as an effort to preserve the ancient art of fanfiction. Hm, interesting…this Girl of the Dog included quite a few naughty parts in her work.”

 

“Let me read it,” Kagome begged, pressing her chest up against Miroku's arm and batting her eyes.

 

“Oh, I don't know,” Miroku said with a raised brow. “What's in it for me?” His free hand reached around to fondle her curvy backside.

 

“Anything you want, provided you don't get me pregnant again,” Kagome said with a wink. “Inu-Yasha might have bought that excuse about using a medicine-dropper to artificially inseminate me the first time, but there are limits to his gullibility.”

 

“No more children,” Miroku promised. “MarySue-ko is enough.” He didn't add that Kagome was also starting to get a little saggy from dropping all of those babies. “But I'm not so sure about Inu-Yasha having limits to what he'll believe. After all, look at how many of Sesshomaru's kids you've pawned off on him.”

 

“I did that for the sake of the children,” Kagome said defensively. “Sesshomaru likes to wander around with a toad-demon and a smelly two-headed dragon - what kind of fatherly example is that? Although it was awfully easy to convince Inu-Yasha the kids were his, once I conned Myoga into proclaiming that hanyou turn into youkai on the night of the full moon.”

 

Kagome reached for the ancient manuscript, letting Miroku give her a squeeze as he handed it to her. “Ooh, this a rare find,” she squealed as she read the first lines. “It's an alternate-universe fanfiction set in a high school! You don't get to see many of these.”

 

“I wonder if this was a trend,” Miroku said, tapping his chin in thought. “We really don't know what the fanfiction authors wrote, since most of the manuscripts were destroyed in the great Ego Implosion. The Internet Lawyers devoured what little remained, although there are rumors that some of the ancient cults still practice writing in secret.”

 

“Um, I'm getting kind of confused,” Kagome said after a few minutes of reading. “Miroku, something must have gone wrong with the translation. The cultures are completely mixed up, and there's odd language inserted randomly in the test. It's supposed to be Japanese, but the usages are completely wrong.”

 

“Uh huh,” Miroku replied absently. He had skipped ahead to the naughty parts. He scanned one page, then did a double-take before scanning it again. “Wha - ?” he gasped.

 

“What's wrong?” Kagome asked with some concern. Miroku's face had lost all color, and he looked like he was going to be ill.

 

“This…” he choked, turning a slightly greenish color. “This is possibly the most disturbing thing I've ever read.”

 

“Let me see that,” Kagome ordered, taking the page from him. She read for a moment, then screamed. “Augh! It burns!” Tossing the paper down, Kagome grabbed her canteen and frantically tried to rinse out her eyeballs.

 

Meanwhile, Miroku was seriously considering the benefits of death. Sure, you didn't get to be alive and having nookie anymore, but compared to a life spent reading things like this…No, he told himself, shaking with the effort of regaining his composure. He couldn't take the easy way out, at least, not until he'd done the wild thing with Kagome one more time.

 

The walls of the ancient tomb suddenly began to shake, sending a shower of dirt and stone raining down on top of them. “It's a trap!” Kagome yelled. “We've got to get out of here before the tomb collapses!”

 

Miroku was already three steps ahead of her. Running, the two barely made it out of the tomb before it collapsed completely. As the remains sunk deep into the ground, Kagome fell to her knees and retched.

 

“There, there,” Miroku patted her head, turning his nose away from the smell. “Try not to think about it, Kagome. Think of something else instead, like having more babies.”

 

He meant to be funny, but this sent Kagome into a new round of heaving. When at last she stopped, she staggered to her feet and started walking away from the ruins of the tomb. “Let us never speak of this again,” she groaned.

 

“Agreed,” Miroku said fervently. “It's a shame the tomb was booby-trapped, though. I image it was rigged in order to prevent those who were not part of the inner circle from reading the fanfiction.”

 

“Maybe it was rigged in order to protect humanity from phenomenally bad fanfiction,” Kagome suggested.

 

“No,” Miroku argued vehemently. “I absolutely refuse to believe there were other works of fanfiction like that one.”

 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Kagome said, but she didn't sound convinced. “It's a crazy idea, thinking people would write bad smut in an alternate universe. Next thing you know, one of these archeologists digging through the ruins of the Palace of Plagiarists will claim he's found alternate-pairing fanfiction rotting on some hard drive.”

 

“That,” Miroku said weakly, “will never happen. Even worse, can you imagine the chaos if someone discovers evidence that slash was actually written? The Fandom Wars would erupt all over again.”

 

“Let us pray that never happens,” Kagome said solemnly. She clasped Miroku's hand and headed off in the direction of their campsite. It was going to take a lot to overcome the terrible images inside her head, but fortunately, Miroku was always up to a hard task.

 

- The End -