InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Tales of the Inu-Hamlet ❯ Prologue: Dramatis Personae ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and company don't belong to me (they belong to Rumiko Takahashi). Neither do any characters from "Hamlet" nor does any of the script. (Those belong to the immortal William Shakespeare). However, I am taking ruthless creative and artistic license of both for the sake of entertainment. Gomen nasai, Bard-sama! This was just begging to be done!

Author's Forward: This idea came about as result of a late-night WinMX chat that included an inebriated DarklessVasion and a sleep-deprived sirbartonslady (that would be me XD). I commented on how I was tempted to do a parody of "Hamlet" using Inuyasha characters. "Hamlet" is my favorite Shakespearean play of all time, and I remembered reading a parody of it done with characters from another TV show once before, about seven or eight years ago. True to form, Darkless immediately grabbed the idea and ran with it, suggesting we collaborate on it. Seeing as I'd never written a collaborated story before, I was thrilled with the idea.

So, after re-reading the play and thinking over the possibilities, I broached the subject to her a few days later, and we brainstormed the story. She came up with the one-liners and the funny stuff and I (tried to) put it into a semi-coherent semblance of order... insomuch as I can. We worked out the cast-list and discussed who should play who, and Darkless spouted off a whole cartload of funny one-liners that I'm going to sprinkle into the story over time. Therefore, many of the ideas are hers fundamentally, and have been massaged into proper working order by yours truly. I hope everyone enjoys the story, because I have really, really enjoyed the creation process, imagining the characters' interactions. This has been a laugh-riot just to brainstorm. I hope that Darkless and I have done it justice.

Please leave a review if you read this! Even a simple "OMG I loved it!!" will help encourage me to write. Knowing I have an audience waiting helps keep me focused. And if you have any ideas or suggestions, by all means let me know! This story is still very much in the developing stages and I really hope that I can do the story and its inspirations the proper justice they deserve.

Okay? Now, on with the show!


NOTE: This is written in present tense -- a format I almost never use -- because it's meant to portray things as they happen, rather like outtakes from a filming session or what-have-you.

  Tales of the Inu-Hamlet:
Inuyasha, Prince of the Denmark!

or, What the Hell Are You Making Us Do?
Prologue: Dramatis Personae


They are not amused.

Not in the slightest.

...okay, so one member of the cast is pleased with the casting:

"Oh this is so romantic!" Kagome hugs her script book to her chest, sighing blissfully. "She dies for want of unrequited love!"

"Gimme a fucking break," Kouga spits, "she goes bloody crazy because her father is killed. Don't skew it all out of proportion."

...but the rest aren't amused at all. Most are either in shock, or downright hostile. Inuyasha still fumes at the unforeseen dilemma the fineprint of his contract has put him in. At any moment he is likely to shred something with his claws. If the producers are lucky, it'll be his script book he shreds and not one of them. Extra copies of the script have been printed in prediction of such violence on Inuyasha's part.

It's all very simple, really. The bakas must not have read their contracts. The head producer shakes his head in resignation. It's right there in their contracts. Tiny print, but it's there. Since the anime itself is on indefinite hiatus while Takahashi-sensei completes the manga, the characters themselves are contract-bound to make sure that they keep public interest in the show. They have to support the arts, to bring the show to a wider cultural audience, and what better way than with a play? After all, the show is a big hit across the ocean in the English-speaking countries. Why not the so-called "greatest drama of all time"?

And it isn't like it's a permanent gig, either. The bakas are making entirely too much out of it, honestly.

The head director sits back in his chair and looks around the table, taking in the sights of the cast members realizing their roles.

"You want me to WHAT?!" Kagura's red eyes grow huge as she stares at the book in her hands. "Oh HELL no! Where the hell is my agent?"

"I think he quit," Hakudoushi snickers. "Serves you right, Kagura."

"Why you little...."

Just to Kagura's left, Naraku reads over his script quietly, his eyes glinting with malice. "I am not amused. Since when do I deserve to be cast as a repentant pansy-assed old man?"

The assistant nearest him sweatdrops and declines to reply. A wise decision, most likely.

"Are you sure it's okay to cast me? I haven't even shown up in the anime yet, you know." Byakuya cocks an eyebrow in inquiry as he looks pointedly at the director. "People might get the wrong idea."

"Oh for heaven's sake, you're just the prologue! Stop trying to weasle out of it!" Kagura says dramatically. "Unless you want my part?"

"No, thanks, I'll take what I'm given. I just don't understand why I'm under contract as well -- I haven't even been cast in the show yet."

And nearby...

"This is a joke, right?" Kikyou says with a remarkably calm voice. Her icy brown eyes shimmer with frigid disgust. "You want me to play a man?"

And at the head of the table...

"What the FUCKING HELL?!" Inuyasha roars in outrage, his claws digging tears into the paper script book in his hands. "I have to do WHAT?!"

"Calm down, Inuyasha, it's not the end of the world." The purple-clad monk raises his gloved hand and wags a finger reprovingly at the hanyou. "It's not even permanent."

"Shut your cakehole, bouzu!" Inuyasha growls in the back of  his throat. "You're not the one who has to call that bastard father or that bitch mother!"

"Technically, you don't call him father at all," Miroku points out logically. "And you get to kill him. Him and Kouga. Which is more than we can say for the regular show. So cheer up."

"Eek!" Sango shrieks as an errant hand groped her rear. "Houshi-sama!"  SLAP!

"I'm telling you, Sango, the hand has a mind of its own!"

Meanwhile, at the other end of the table...

Sesshoumaru sets down his script book unceremoniously and looks over at his agent. "And you are certain there is no way around this?"

The agent goes stark white. "N-none, Sesshoumaru-sama. It's right there in the contract. You signed the contract yourself. You can't get out of it unless you break contract alltogether."

"Very well, then. This Sesshoumaru is intrigued by the part selected, anyway."

"Of course he would be," Kagome mutters from nearby the head producer. "You'd think Shakespeare wrote the character of Fortinbras with Sesshoumaru in mind."

And on Sesshoumaru's left....

"I don't know how to dig a grave," Rin frets. "What if I do it wrong?"

"You don't have to actually dig," Shippou replies confidently.

"Then why am I a gravedigger?"

"Stupid girl, can't you even read?" Jaken snorts. "It calls you a clown."

"No, Jaken-sama, I can't read yet."

"That's no excuse!"

Back at the head of the table....

"There is NO FUCKING WAY!" Inuyasha slashes his claws through his script book and reduces it to confetti in a matter of seconds. "No fucking way in hell! I draw the line at this! Goddamn fanfic authors, thinking they can just write a crossover of the show with anything they want! This is ri-goddamn-diculous!"

And somewhere near the doorway...

"Why did Inu-koro get cast as Hamlet anyway?" Kouga whines.

"Because he's the title character, and Sesshoumaru-sama is too good to be cast as something so pathetic as Hamlet." Jaken smacks Kouga over the head with his staff. "Now show some respect for your father and go get me something to drink."

"Ain't no fucking way I'm gonna call you father, you pathetic little bastard," Kouga snarls, curling his lips in lupine hostility. "I'll beat you to a pulp, so help me I will!"

Elsewhere, in the other room, near the water-cooler, further hilarity ensues.

"Yikes!" Ginta yelps.

"Help!" Hakkaku shrieks.

"Get back here, filthy youkai, and face your doom with honor!" Jii-chan hollers, chasing after the two hapless flunkies, a wad of ofuda sticking out from his clenched hands.

"Here, Ginta! Let's split up!" Hakkaku suggests on the fly. "You go that way, I'll go this way!"

"Gotcha!" Ginta dodges to the left.

-- and glares at Hakkaku when the spiky-haired baka follows him "You were supposed to go the other direction!"

"I forgot!"

Meanwhile, back in the boardroom, Inuyasha has had his fill.

"Oi! You!" The hanyou rounds on his agent, who is cowered in fear. "Find me a loophole! Get me out of this fucking mess!"

"I--I c-can't Inuyasha-sama. I-it's right th-there in y-your c-c-contract!" the agent stammers as the hanyou towers over the pathetic little man. "Y-you c-can't g-get out of it w-without b-breaking your c-c-c-contract!"

And meanwhile, back by the doorway, Kouga finally figures something out...

"Wait a goddamn minute! She's supposed to be my sister?!"

Seated beside the head director, Kagome rolls her eyes. "Bakas," she sighs. "This is going to be a long project."


To Be Continued..... on to Act One!

For future reference...

Dramatis Personae (Persons of the Play)
Prince Hamlet (son to the former, and nephew to the present king) is played by Inuyasha
King Claudius (current King of Denmark, brother of the late King Hamlet) is played by Naraku
Queen Gertrude (Queen of Denmark, mother to Prince Hamlet) is played by Kagura
of Hamlet's Father is played by Myouga
Polonius (Lord Chamberlain) is played by Jaken
Laertes (son to Polonius) is played by Kouga
(daughter to Polonius) is played by Kagome
(servant to Polonius) is played by Kaede
(friend to Hamlet) is played by Sango
(an officer) is played by Miroku
(an officer) is played by Kikyou
Francisco, (a soldier) is played by Jii-chan (Grandpa Higurashi)
Rosencrantz (a courtier) is played by Ginta
Guildenstern, (a courtier) is played by Hakkaku
Fortinbras (Prince of Norway) is played by Sesshoumaru
Osric (a courtier) is played by Kohaku
Voltemand (a courtier) is played by Hiten
Cornelius (a courtier) is played by Manten
Two Clowns (gravediggers) are played by Shippou and Rin
Player King (actor playing the king in a play)  is played by Houjou
Player Queen (actor playing the queen in a play) is played by Ayame
Player Lucianus (actor in a play) is played by Hakudoushi
Player Prologue (actor in a play) is played by Byakuya
Player (actor of a play group) is played by Musou
Norwegian Captain is played by Bankotsu
various bit parts will be played by Jakotsu, Renkotsu, Suikotsu, Mushin and anyone else I can think of

FINAL NOTE: A quick note as to why Inutaishou isn't the Ghost of Hamlet's Father -- because he never appears in the anime, only briefly in movie 3.

If you want to read the play, this is the site I recommend: