InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Unemployed ❯ Chapter 1

Title: Unemployed

Type: One-shot crack!fic.

Genre: Humor.

Summary: There's a reason Sesshoumaru can't get a job.

Dedication: Cats. They own dogs, srly.

Notes: WARNING: This is a crack!fic, though it seems too stupid to even be called that. And no, I'm not against homosexuals, etc. It's a j-o-k-e. (You'll find out when you read.)

 

Psychiatrist

 

Sesshoumaru stared at the woman seated across from him in disgust.

 

“-And that's when my third husband left me! I just don't know what to do,” she blubbered, dabbing at her eyes with a dirty kerchief.

 

“Kill yourself,” he suggested coolly, idly tapping claws on his desk.

 

The woman's mouth fell open. “Wha-”

 

The demon refrained from rolling his eyes. “Kill yourself,” he said slowly, “It is obvious you are a burden to society, and the world would fare well without you.”

 

“Are you serious?” She whispered softly.

 

“This Sesshoumaru does not lie.”

 

“Suicide…” The woman breathed, and drifted from the room.

 

He made it out of that lawsuit with only a few scrapes.

 

Teacher

 

The children blinked in confusion at the figures Sesshoumaru had drawn on the white board, and one dared raise his hand. “What is it?”

 

The demon quirked a brow, amazed by the sheer stupidity of these human offspring. “The kanji for shower,” he replied coolly.

 

“Why?”

 

“Explain to this Sesshoumaru what you mean by, `why'.”

 

“Why is it Kanji?”

 

Sesshoumaru growled. “It was originally a foreign word.”

 

“Why?”

 

“They were not created here.”

 

“Why?”

 

Sesshoumaru's claws turned an eerie shade of green.

 

He was never again allowed within 300 feet of a school, or public park.

 

Priest

 

Sesshoumaru dropped his Bible in horror, making the bishop and nuns around him all jump and stare in shock. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE SEX?!”

 

Doctor

 

The Nurse held her clipboard tight. Sesshoumaru continued to sit in the lounge, drinking a cup of coffee as he read the morning paper. She tried again to approach him. “Sir, she needs this transplant now or she'll die. There's no time to take her to another facility and you're the only one qualified-”

 

The inu youkai did not look up. “Have Jaken do it.”

 

“Sir, he's only a janitor-”

 

“This Sesshoumaru is on his break. Leave.” He commanded flatly.

 

“Please, Doctor she-”

 

“Now.”

 

He never was allowed back in the medical field.

 

Professional Athlete

 

“Ready…”

 

Sesshoumaru was two players down from the quarterback, and turned his gaze to face the man in front of him on the opposing team.

 

“Set…”

 

His muscles tensed.

 

“…Hike!”

 

The inu youkai shot forward, and through the man he was meant to tackle. The crowds screamed, and the players froze. Sesshoumaru looked down at the scattered remains of human around him, and was silent.

 

He served a number of years in prison.

 

 

 

Matchmaker

 

Sesshoumaru scanned over the answers of the man to his right; doubtful he had any applications that matched this. “So,” the man said, “Anyone you can get me with?”

 

“You made a mistake,” Sesshoumaru began after a moment, “You marked you are searching for a male companion.”

 

The man blushed. “I'm… gay.”

 

On the bright side, there was one less homosexual in the world.

 

Lawyer

 

“I killed him,” His client growled, “And you're job is to prove to the court I'm innocent.”

 

Sesshoumaru watched the male neko youkai with a small frown. “This Sesshoumaru does not lie.”

 

His client hissed. “That's what I'm fucking paying you to do.”

 

Now, facing the judge in a crowded courtroom, Sesshoumaru remembered the meeting, and smirked. “He is guilty.”

 

He was never hired as an attorney again.

 

To top it off, he was never hired again. Period.