Watashi Wa...

At some point in time, we all lose sight of who we are. Sometimes, we only see shadows of ourselves. But what if the shadow you saw wasn't you, per se, but a former version of yourself? Would you still know who you were?

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What am I?

These questions have plagued my mind for quite some time. I've been traveling through time for almost a year now, and in that year I have lost sight of who I am. I mean, from the moment I set foot in the Sengoku Jidai I was mistaken for someone else. Then I was told that I was, in fact, the reincarnation of the highly-respected village priestess, Kikyo.

Oh no, no expectations to live up to there.

Granted, for a while, it didn't bother me. There were times when I felt that sharing Kikyo's soul gave me strength and courage. But still, there were times when I simply wanted to stop and just give up.

Discovering that I am a reincarnation has made me question a lot of things. I share a soul with another woman, and I can only wonder what similarities we have. We can't be that different. Although, from what I've heard from Kaede, I'm nothing like her sister... the living Kikyo, not the undead clay pot that Kikyo is now. Kaede has told me that Kikyo always seemed as if she was sad, mourning over someone or something. She wasn't happy, but she fulfilled her duties to the best of her ability. I felt badly for her-- I still feel badly for her. I believe that the Kikyo that everyone cared so much for was obviously a good woman. The only thing I can see that went wrong with her life was that she was lonely. She kept herself isolated from everyone around her. I think, perhaps, that she felt that the only way to be the miko she thought she needed to be was to cut herself off from the rest of the world.

Maybe that's partly why I try to keep people as close to me as possible. I have this theory: When you're reincarnated, the reborn soul retains some of the feelings and emotions that it experienced in its previous mortal lifetimes. And, to a degree, that makes me sad. I mean, thinking about that, I wonder how many of my feelings and emotions are truly my own, and not some offshoot of those that Kikyo had in her life.

I often wonder if how I feel about Inu Yasha is really me, or just a faded memory of the immortal soul of Kikyo.

I thought about it for quite some time, and came to this conclusion: The fact is, I had a former life. But that's all it is-- a former life. And this life is completely separate and inextricably different from any of my preceding lifetimes, however many there may be.

I love those around me with all of my heart. A perfect example of the contrast between Kikyo's feelings and mine is our differing loves for Inu Yasha. Kikyo loved him conditionally, and I love him unconditionally. Kikyo insisted that he become a human for the rest of his life. She insisted that he choose between his love for her and his state of being, knowing that he would become miserable if pinned down into humanity. I would never ask him to become something I know he hates. I see how he is on the night of the new moon, and I know that he doesn't want to become human. I'd never ask him to live his life in such restless discomfort. I said that I would stay by his side as long as I could, no matter what. Hanyou, youkai, human; those things don't matter to me, because I fell in love with the person Inu Yasha, not what he is, but who he is. And he's so much more than his heritage; one day, I hope he sees that like I do, and recognizes that he is not hanyou, youkai, or human, but just Inu Yasha, the person whom I love.

But that's Inu Yasha. Back to Kikyo and myself. I'm flawed, and I know it. I may never be a master of the bow, but I'll never quit trying. All you can do in life is try your hardest and hope for the best. I'm fairly confident that we will defeat Naraku. The determination of our group is amazing sometimes, and when things look bleak, I make myself remember that.

I don't see my duty as a curse that isolates me, as Kikyo did. When I was younger, I always felt like something was missing from my life. Originally, I thought that it was due to the loss of my father, but now I think the emptiness was the restlessness in my soul. Or perhaps it was the Shikon no Tama itself wanting to be released. The jewel is the source of so many problems and misfortunes; Kikyo and Inu Yasha's betrayal, Miroku's curse, Sango's village being decimated, Shippo's being orphaned... but if it wasn't for the jewel, I would never have met them. We never would have become friends, and I never would have fallen in love. And since I was the one who broke the jewel, I have to piece it back together. Granted, in the beginning, I didn't want to. Part of me felt the responsibility to the Shikon no Tama, but it wasn't until Yura of the Hair attacked my home on my side of the well that I really saw what could happen if it was never reassembled and purified. I knew then that the Shikon no Tama was something I couldn't ignore or wish into nonexistence. So I went back with Inu Yasha, and in that instant I accepted what I knew all along: This is my duty, but it's not my entire life. My duty is just a part of me that makes up the greater whole. If only Kikyo had realized that in her given time on this Earth, perhaps the story would have turned out differently. But her time is passed, and my turn to live has begun.

When I started this adventure, I thought I had lost my identity. I wasn't sure what my place in the world was, and I thought that my only identifying factor was that I was a reincarnation of a priestess whom many people missed, a shadow of an old lover.

The questions still plague me, but now I have answers for them. I don't know the future. I can't change the past. But I can make the most out of my life.

My life.

Not the continuation of my past life, or the beginning of my future incarnation's life, but mine. Just mine.

What am I? I am not just a reincarnation. I am a person with a mind, body, will, and soul of her own.

Why am I here? I must collect, protect, and purify the Shikon no Tama because that is my duty as a priestess.

Who am I...?

Watashi wa Higurashi Kagome.

Owari



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