Marvel Avengers Fan Fiction ❯ A Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Avengers Fan Fic - The Constant ❯ Chapter 20 - The Nurse & The Patient - The First Metal Arm ( Chapter 20 )

Chapter Twenty: The Nurse & The Patient - The First Metal Arm

They woke the patient up from the medically-induced coma 48 hours after the operation.

Nothing.

You have watched him since he woke and seen nothing of James's personality, of his mind, of any part of him. The patient is like an automaton. He will do what you say. He will eat what you offer him, dress with your help but he reminds you of what one of the doctors used to say when looking at traumatised soldiers who had lost their minds, 'the light is on but there is nobody home.'

James Barnes has gone. He is dead. And you are left looking after an empty shell.

What makes it so gut-wrenching is that he looks so like James, he smells like him; he is James but there is so much missing. There is no soul - nothing, but when you brush the hair out of his eyes you still see his blue eyes, see him looking at you because he now recognises that you are the one looking after him, seems to know you are there to care for him.

It is soul-destroying.

When he was first awoken his eyes were dead and he just lay there not moving. Each day you would get him up with Stefan's help, feed him, wash and clothe him. Because of the bare bone hanging from his left shoulder you could not use the shower so everything had to be done slowly, carefully.

After a few days he began to respond to you. He knew what was expected of him by rote. When you sat him at the table and put food in front of him he knew to eat, when you gave him a cup he knew to drink. When you lead him to the toilet he knew to urinate. When he goes to touch his left arm you tell him no and he obeys. When he is in pain he comes to you. But he never speaks.

They have reorganised things. Given you a new wardrobe for him. Black trousers, similar to what the guards wear, black tee shirts and polo necks, the left arm sleeve removed. His room has been altered to accommodate him. It is more comfortable. The door is kept locked at night and there is a slot in it so the guards can check on him if they need to. Lehmann is getting together equipment for a gym so that you can start an exercise programme for him.

They seem to know where he is going, even if you do not.

You have also found out what one of the new teams have been working so hard on, a cybernetic arm.

After two weeks, the daily routine begins to change. They expect him in the operating room. The flesh remaining on the left arm and shoulder is repairing at such rate that they cannot delay what they need to do any longer. They need to stop it, to do what is needed, and so they start to work on the rebuilding of his arm. The days they are to use anaesthetic you have to be careful with his feeding regime, days they don't you can catch up. He never refuses to go with you. He does everything you tell him to, never utters a word, but his eyes always follow you. He watches what you do, as if learning from you. He looks for you. If left to his own devices, it is you he always ends up next to.

 And you?

You are kind to him, talk gently, never hurry him, and you do everything Doctor Lehmann tells you to do. You never think beyond the next 24 hours. You take one day at a time, always looking for signs of James but never seeing any.

Each day you and Stefan take him to the operating room and each day the new team and the doctors work on his arm. When they do not anaesthetise him they do use a numbing agent because they do not need to hurt him anymore; they have been there, done that.

When they are not working on their project they keep the arm in a cage-like covering to keep the bone clean and protected from harm. It makes it awkward for him to eat or sleep properly and there has to be someone with him 24 hours a day for the first few days until the new arm is in place.

Finally they are ready to take it a step further. They are to start fitting the electronics.

Because you and Stefan are now aware of the details of the project you are both recruited to assist where needed. You want to not just so the patient won't be alone, but so that you can learn more about what they are doing to him. The more you know the better it will be for you and for him, because who knows if James is in there somewhere buried deep.

There is still a small bit of you that clings to that hope.

First they open up his shoulder, then add a tube of some type of metal you have never seen before. It is placed over the end of what is left of the bone and then driven straight up into the shoulder. That, they tell you, is the anchor point. They have to anaesthetise him for this and the future operations as the modifications will involve hours of painstaking surgery.

Next whilst the shoulder is open, they begin inserting the electronics into the bone and muscle. Each time they operate it is a learning experience for them all. Nothing like this has been done before. You can see the toll it takes on the surgeons doing the work, but you have no sympathy for them, none at all. A lot of the work is close up, requires much finesse, tying in human nerves to metal filaments and plastic fibres. It is technology well beyond anything you or your father's old magazines could ever have imagined.

Then they build and add to it. Small steps. You do not understand the glowing blue power source but you know it is going to be powerful. You watch as they carefully insert it, making sure that it will always be accessible; after all, they will need to know they can take it way from him should they choose to.

Or if they have to take him down.

There were arguments at the beginning. And because you had finally been let into the secret of the new project you were there for them. You and Stefan had no say in the matter but you watched both sides carefully and realised there was a divide even here.

It was simple enough for you to understand: two arms have been created. The argument was which arm would they fit.

You see the plans, see the arms themselves. The main circuity of the arm will more or less contain the same electronics no matter which arm they go with, but the builds themselves are different. Both have potential. The new arms could almost be thought of as impressive if you didn't know the cost paid by the wearer.

The first arm, developed by the European team, consists of overlapping metal plates, similar to the shell of an anteater, that would protect the electronics inside. At the end of this arm is a single round plate consisting of a port which different instruments can be fitted into.

The second, developed by the Russian team, is made of metal circular discs like thick bracelets linked in a downward patter of chevrons, enabling the arm to be flexible. This outer covering would cover the electronics. The arm ends with a metal hand which is made of the same circular metal bracelets, allowing the hand to bend and move as a normal hand would.

It is the first one that wins favour. That is the one they decide to go with.

Once all the electronics are fitted, the patient is ready for the complete arm to be fitted. They take the necessary steps and then it is done. So far the arm ends in just the port, with no implements fitted. Not yet.

You realise from the first day that the arm is complete that the patient does not feel comfortable with it. He does not like it at all, and by the third day his reactions to it are beginning to disturb you.

He won't use it and the doctors do not know why.

He ignores it completely.

At their request you ask him why, but he does not answer you. He will not even look at you. You ask him to flex the arm, nothing. A doctor reaches out and holds the arm up. There is power there, but as soon as he lets it go the patient allows it to drop back to his side.

When they try to fit the implements, he deliberately makes it difficult for them. This is the first time he has ever refused to do anything asked of him. He sits there ignoring them, drawing away from them when they try to touch him. You have noticed he also tries to lean away from his left side, as if he doesn't want to have anything to do with the new arm.

You are still his nurse outside of the work they are doing on his arm; his care is still in your hands. Your duties are light now - no sedation is used - and the patient is able to do a lot more for himself. Stefan assists at times but they are starting to use him more and more in the procedures. You are glad, for it adds one person to the team who is actually considering the human behind all of this. Kristo is to return to his previous duties once the arm is in place and you know he is happy to. He will stay in touch but he is increasingly finding the work difficult, uncomfortable.

 You try to have lightweight conversations with the patient, but he stares at you blankly and has no opinion one way or the other. You tell him to jump and he will jump without asking what the jump is for.

Well, unless your requests have something to do with the arm - then he will simply ignore you.

The work they are doing makes his left shoulder extremely sore and you have to make sure that any open work is always covered when they are not working on it. You are also walking him about as much as you can to keep his other muscles working. You take him on long walks up and down the corridors. He walks with you, never looking to the side, never talking, just following you.

You talk as you go along the corridors.

He never replies, but you know he understands you.

*

Another long day is at an end. You notice tonight that he is leaning again towards his right, away from his left. You have helped him wash and dress ready to turn in for the night. You get him back to his room and he gets into bed. You sit on the bed next to him and ask him about the arm. You are not really expecting a reply and you wonder if you need to discuss it with someone. Maybe Doctor Jakobs? Certainly not Lehmann.

“Are you in pain?” you ask him quietly.

No reply, but he does turn to look at you. Those empty eyes seem to be searching yours.

You touch the metal of his left arm. “Is this hurting you? I can give you some pain medication?”

No reply, but he looks down and picks at a loose thread in the blanket...so like James, in so many ways.

You have to be so careful. Lehmann has the guards and doctors watching you. His power has grown and any day now he will be taking over all responsibility for this project from Zola.

Doctor Nikolay Lehmann is to be the Winter Soldiers first handler.

“Can you tell me whats wrong?” you ask.

The patient hasn't spoken since they took his arm. Since you lost James. He is no longer James you can see that just by looking into this stranger's eyes, but you still care about him, still do not want to leave his side. You will not leave him on his own. You move his hair and tuck it behind his ear. You really need to cut it again, you are worried if it grows much longer it may get caught up in the metalwork.

There is no reply. Nothing.

You make to get up but he stops you and your heart misses a beat. He has said something but so quietly you didn't hear it.

You move closer and this time you tilt his head towards you. He won't look at you but he does say it again. “Take this away.”

“Take what away?” and then it dawns upon you. He is talking about the arm. “Oh God.” You close your eyes for a moment.

“I don’t want this.” His voice still quiet and almost childlike.

Before you can reply, the door opens and you jump as if you have been caught doing something you shouldn't.

It is Doctor Lehmann, and he frowns at you. “Still here Nurse?” he asks because he sees guilt written over your face.

The patient looks away from you, blanks Lehmann.

You stand up. “I was just seeing if he needs any pain medication,” you stutter but Lehmann thinks the worst of you, he always does.

“Is that what you call it?”

You realise what he is intimating and you feel yourself blush. He thinks you were trying to get cosy with your patient. You ignore his slur.

“I think its best if I stay with him tonight, I don’t think he is...”

Lehmann laughs at what he thinks is your pure audacity. “Yes I imagine you do.”

You step up to him, angry now at what he is insinuating. “There is something wrong with him. He's uncomfortable, I feel...” but he interrupts you.

“Women's intuition? Isn't that what you girls call it? Well, I think our patient is doing well and doesn't need a wet nurse,” you can see he thinks his choice of words is humorous.

“If not me, then let Stefan stay. I honestly think there is a problem with...” again he doesn't let you finish. He merely dismisses you, says you are not needed until tomorrow.

You try to catch your patient's eye but he is ignoring both of you. You go to argue but Lehmann has had enough. “Out!” he shouts, making both you and the patient jump with the loudness and anger contained in his voice. Lehmann has never shouted at you before. You have no choice but to leave.

“At least ask the guards to check on him regularly during the night,” are your last words and then you are gone.

Doctor Lehmann looks at the patient. “Theres no problem is there?”

The patient doesn't answer. He didn't expect him to.

“Then go to sleep, theres a good fellow,” he says tapping the bed, and then without further worry he leaves.

A small light is always left on in the room. Lehmann does not feel a guard is needed in the room itself. The door is locked once he has left and the patient is settled down for the night. There will be a guard that will remain in the corridor outside and he is told to check on the patient every couple of hours unless he hears anything.

There has been nothing to date and they are becoming complacent.

Lehmann has every faith now that all the problems concerning their patient have been sorted. Once the new arm is fully in place then they will begin testing the freezing process, and finally the programming. The only difficulty is the docile nature of the patient but he is sure they can address this in the programming somehow. Zola is asking a Doctor Fennhoff to consult.

After all, they know they have the raw material of a killer in their hands. They just have to find a way to release it.

Everything is going along smoothly.

*

The patient lies in bed. He knows enough to know they will check on him so he pretends to go to sleep. He tries to keep himself away from the terrible thing on his left hand side. Its not part of him. He doesn't want it. He was going to tell the nurse but then the doctor came in. He feels he can trust her, she will help him, but he knows he cannot trust the man; he has terrible nightmares about him.

He doesn't know who is he, where he is, or what is happening. He does what they tell him to do. His head sometimes hurts so badly that he could weep. He doesn't tell them though because he feels like something is trying to break through and is frightened as to what they will do if they found out.

The only comfort he has is the voice that talks to him, tells him to obey them, tells him when not to obey them, looks after him.

For a time he does actually fall asleep but then a noise wakes him and he is alone with his thoughts and the monstrosity they are attaching to him.

“I don’t want it,” he whispers.

“So take it off,” the voice whispers back.

It is is the voice he has been hearing. It never says a great deal, but it is there cajoling him, telling him things about the nurse he doesn't want to think about. Telling him awful things about what is going to happen to him.

They do not know that they are dealing with a split personality. How could they? To date, they have only met the first personality. The meek one. The one that does what he is told, the one they can hurt, the one they can control.

The second personality is cunning. He hides but he is planning more. He doesn't want this arm; he wants the second arm, the one with the hand. It is stronger and will be easier to handle, he wants to be able to grip things, wants to watch whilst the hand crushes anything he wants it to and so he works on his counter part, the weaker personality.

“Take it off,” he repeats.

*

You are in the main room, slamming things about. Too uptight to sleep. Furious. Lehmann has forbidden you to be with the patient. You have tried to tell him that he shouldn't be left alone but you are just a nurse and they are doctors, they know better than you. The argument you would have liked to have had with Lehmann goes around and around in your mind making you more angry, making your jaw ache where you are so tense.

The guards would not even allow you to check up on him; Lehmann's orders. He is decidedly unhappy with you, and it is his word that counts. Doctor Jakobs cannot over rule him. You are beginning to realise the other doctors are more than afraid of Lehmann than you first believed.

You think about what the patient said to you and your heart skips a beat. It is the way he said it, the way he has been leaning away from his left side...

You hear a commotion in the corridor and that sick feeling of premonition closes in on you. You open the door and follow the soldiers rushing by. You hear one of the doctors.

“Get that bloody nurse now!”

A soldier comes out of the patient's room and almost collides with you in his haste. He recognises you and grabs your arm.

“What is it? Whats wrong?” you ask. You don’t know if you want to see. Instead of answering, his face ashen, he hurries you into the patient's room and you stop still.

The walls to your right are smeared with blood. There are bloody hand-prints on them. There is blood over the sheets and the floor. A metal chair lays dismembered in one corner but you do not realise that parts of it is missing. Lumps of bloody metal litter the floor.

Then you see him.

Your patient is crouched in the corner murmuring something. His right hand is covered in blood but it is the left arm that concerns you the most, the new one, the metal one. More than half of it is missing, torn away, exposed wires, exposed bone and nerve endings.

One of the European doctors from the new team is stood six feet away and he turns to you.

“Look what he's done, look whats he has bloody well done! Look at the arm, do you now how much that cost, how long it took... “

Your look stops him in his tracks.

No-one has approached the patient. No-one knows what he is saying, except you.

“I don't want this.”

You walk forward but the patient takes no notice as you crouch down next to him. You can see the damage. Why didn't they listen to you? Why didn't they let you stay with him? The bloody fools.

Extending from the shoulder blade by about 3 inches is what looks like a metal blade, fashioned from part of the chair frame. Somehow the patient has managed to drive it into the very heart of his shoulder and punctured the metal, then forced it away. Bone and muscle are showing through. Why the hell didn't the guards hear anything? Although there is a lot of blood there is not enough to worry you about him bleeding out, you can't see any torn veins, there is no apparent danger there.

You kneel forward and gently touch his face.

He turns towards you. His eyes wide. At first you don’t think he will even recognise you, but he does.

The murmuring stops. His right hand continues to tug at one of the metal plates embedded in his shoulder. He has pulled away most of them, blood runs in rivulets down his chest and onto his pants. You can see he has removed plates and wiring from all over the arm.

Those are the bits of bloody metal scattered around the room.

“Please, take this off, please take it away.” he says quietly, still tugging at it.

You want to cry.

He is lost. He is in a nightmare, and doesn't know how to escape from it, and you can only listen.

You turn to the doctor. He is fussing about the metal on the floor.

You look at one of the guards. “Get him of here and get a doctor who knows what he's doing,” you snap just as Marinov comes in. He nods to the guard when he hears what you have said, and that breaks the spell the guards seem to be under. They hustle the doctor out, ignoring his protests.

“God almighty, what happened?” Marinov comes to crouch next to you, making the patient draw back.

You are so angry. “I told them, I bloody well told them to watch him, I told Lehmann, I...” and you bow your head. What good is your anger at this point? What good is being right? It does not help the situation at all, and you wish you hadn't been right. Why couldn't you have been wrong?

Marinov does not say anything, but he does place a hand on your shoulder and squeezes it. Then he gets up. You take no more notice of him. Your sole responsibility is your patient, this broken man.

You take his right hand. The fingers are bloody and torn. He has lost three nails and you think one of the fingers is broken. You need to get him to the bed to assess the damage to the rest of him but at the moment there is no way you can move him alone.

“I don’t want this,” he repeats looking at you and you feel your anger inside surge up as you see those beautiful haunted eyes.

Another doctor has appeared. You hear him behind you, and you turn to see Doctor Jakobs. He is already working out what needs to be done, what equipment he needs to fetch.

“We need to get you onto the bed so we can see what has happened,” you say gently putting your hand under the patient's right arm to move him, but he rocks back against the wall.

He starts tugging again at the plates left on the shoulder. Horrified, you hear one of the plates give and it tumbles to the floor. Another red patch of bare muscle and naked bone shows through. He has torn through right to the very heart of the arm.

“No, don't.” You try and take his hand back but he pushes you away. He is focused on removing as much of it as he can and he is murmuring again. “I need to take it off. I don’t want it, he told me, its not me, its not mine.”

"We can't let him do any more damage. He is dangerously near to the power source." Doctor Jakobs says to you.

It is a shame he chose that moment to speak to her because it means she did not hear what the patient said. She did not hear him say 'he told me'.

You know you are going to have to resort to sedation and you glance at Jakobs you can see he knows it to. “Can you get help to move him?” you ask him and he beckons Marinov over asking him to fetch Stefan and Kristo.

“Please don’t pull any more of it. You're bleeding badly.” You try to take his hand but he just swats yours away. You can see that the arm is dead. He has destroyed it, and it no longer functions. As he pulls at it you hear metal scrape against metal.

Marinov comes back in with both Stefan and Kristo. Jakobs has a hypo filled and ready. You try talking to the patient again, but it is difficult when you have no name you can use, nothing to get his attention.

“Please, let us help you.” You touch his face again and there are tears running through the smudges of blood, you push back his hair so he can see you. You are trying to make eye contact. You are not sure but you think he must have used his teeth to bite parts of it as there is blood on his teeth and lips, one lip has split. Oh God, how long has he been doing this? It must of been for hours. You thought at least Lehmann would have had the guards checking him regularly. Once again you cannot believe the guards in the corridor didn't hear anything.

“Can you keep him occupied?” Jakobs asks quietly and you nod without looking away. You are still trying to engage him, to make him look at you. He does and although he no longer murmurs you can see he is still talking under his breath; repeating the same phrase over and over.

Stefan kneels down on your right side so you both have him between you. Jakobs moves to your left. The patient looks at him and you see realisation dawn. He doesn't want to be sedated, he just wants this monstrous thing off him. As he turns to you he is saying the word “no” over and over again but Stefan leans forward and so do you, trapping him against the wall.

You think for a moment he is going to push you both away, you know he is strong enough to but then he seems to see the hopelessness of his situation; he is so tired and he leans back against the wall. You think it is finished but then he starts to bang his head against the wall, hard. You try and stop him. You know he can cause serious damage if he realises his own strength.

The hypo is quick acting and is starting to work already. His eyes start to close and he is unbalanced, unable to make his body respond. You have him trapped. If he was a dog you would put him down. He begins murmuring again, very quietly, very softly.

“What is he saying?” Jakobs asks you.

You look at him. “I don’t want this. Take it off, please take it off.”

Kristo has left the room to get supplies of bandages, gauze, antiseptic. Marinov has also left the room; he knows he has to advise Director Lehmann as to what has happened. It is not something he can put off any longer.

Stefan and Jakobs help you to lift the patient. He is no trouble and you move him to the bed, sitting him there whilst you rearrange the pillows. Stefan is finding it difficult to hold him on his side as what is left of the metal arm is detaching and the blood and liquid within the arm is leaking and making the metal slick.

Stefan catches your eye. "How are we going to do this? "

“Onto his side,” you say.

Gently you lower the patient down onto his right side and then gather up the pillows and put them around both sides to keep him there. You straighten up. The patient is now quiet, very quiet and you feel your hatred for the doctors and scientists who have done this to him well up inside you. Stefan reaches out and touches your arm, he has come to know you well. He gives a small shake of his head to warn you to keep the anger bottled up, you cannot vent it here. It makes you laugh inside, when can you vent it, it is never the right time.

Doctor Jakobs comes up to start assessing the damage to not just the arm but the patient as well. Although there is a lot of blood no main arteries have been compromised, but there is a lot of work to be done.

“I need to see what needs doing, and then we'll move him down to the operating room. We need to get that power source out and away,” he says to you and you nod your understanding.

You need to try and clean him up so you can see the extent of the damage. Kristo comes back with supplies and the four of you work to try and make sense of the mess and stop the bleeding. None of you speak unless necessary. Your combined total concentration is on the patient.

None of you even look up when the first doctor and two others edge their way into the room and begin to gingerly pick up the bloody pieces of metal. This time the first doctor knows enough not to say a word. It remains quiet until you hear Lehmann. Both Stefan and Kristo have moved away to get rid of the bloodied cloths you have been using.

“What the hell is going on? What the hell have you done?” are his first words and they are directed at you, but before you can reply Doctor Jakobs breaks in.

“The patient has rejected the arm. He has done everything he can to rip it off and we need to see to him first and then see where the blame lies.” Jakobs is angry. Once again they have forgotten their patient is human. They were all so pleased patting themselves on the back they didn't look for the danger signs. Lehmann knows it is rare for Jakobs to get angry, to seek an argument, so he knows this has to be serious.

As they are arguing you have turned back to your patient. He is talking softly to himself, the sedative has now all but knocked him out. You watch as he gently reaches out his right hand and lays it on your arm. It stops you in your tracks and you stroke his hair away from his forehead and he murmurs something. You don't think you heard right, you couldn't of, you move your head closer to his lips and he repeats the words.

"Don't leave me, please don't leave me..." and he is looking at you, only you. "...don't leave me alone with them," and then his eyes close.

You feel your eyes well up. Out of everything he could possibly of chosen to say to you why choose those words? Does that mean that James is still in there somewhere, lost? Or is it just coincidence?

You know he can't hear you, but you still whisper back that you will never leave him.

Lehmann moves to look down at the patient and the damage he has done to the arm. He expects you to say something but you don't and he moves away again and watches whilst you and Stefan wheel the patient out to the operating room.

Then he and Jakobs follows. There is a long night ahead of them.

*

It is quiet. He knows the guards are taking a break, the voice told him to wait until now, the voice is always right. He can start. He can get the arm off. He tried to tell the nurse but he can't wait any longer, he needs to get this away from him. His head is bad, but he is determined and bit by bit he tears the metal off. The shoulder is difficult but after looking around he comes up with a solution. As he works he grinds his teeth to compensate for the pain and after a while, he doesn't feel it at all. The pain in his head has gone for now. The voice is encouraging him telling him where to pull next, how to angle the metal into his shoulder.

He heard them talk about how at the end of the arm he will be able to have different implements. He doesn't want a hook, or a knife or a gun, he just wants his hand back. From somewhere he sees a picture in his mind of an old man with a hook and it makes him shudder. He doesn't want to be like that, he just wants to be himself.

He begins to tire. Nearly there, just a bit more work and it will have gone but suddenly he hears the slot open and swearing. Someone is trying to unlock the door and then it opens and the main light is put on. He hears a lot of shouting. He must hurry. They are coming to stop him.

He is aware now of the pain in his right hand and when he looks at it the nurse is there holding it. She is speaking to him but her eyes, her eyes tell him she understands, she will help him.

Others come in and then they are holding him tightly against the wall and one of the doctors is pushing a needle into his arm, all the while the nurse talks to him softly, she tells him it will be all right...but he knows it won't.

But the voice breaks in and tells him what is more important is that she does not leave him alone. Somehow he knows she always promised him she never would.

His last thought is he wants to know who he is. Why he is here? He wants to go home, but he doesn't even know where home is. Doesn't know how to get there any more. Did he ever?