Marvel Avengers Fan Fiction ❯ A Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Avengers Fan Fic - The Constant ❯ Chapter 86 - Freya & James - Redundant ( Chapter 86 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter Eighty-Six: Freya & James - Redundant

You are sat in front of the laptop Pepper has given you. You're beginning to grasp the use of it, and silently you thank Maggie for teaching you the basics. You have the Google search engine page sat in front of you but you are too much of a coward to type in the search you want it to do. Pepper said the internet has trillions upon trillions of files of information and that you can find anything you want on there.

You take a deep breath and type what you want into the search bar, but then you stop and stare at the screen. You delete it. You bite your lip and type it back in and then press the send button. The screen confirms what it is you are searching for.

Arthur and Anna Bowman.

Pages of records come up. You take a deep breath and start to run through them all, but nothing leaps out as the information you are looking for on your parents. You want to know what happened to them. You need to know. It was a thought you had when you were dying; you wondered if you would see them where you thought you were heading. And that thought stayed with you and has been in the back of your mind ever since.

There is a knock on the door and you get up and answer it. It's Pepper and you invite her in – after all this is her building.

“Sorry did I interrupt you?” she asks, nodding to the desk you were sat at and the open laptop.

“No, I was just...just trying to find some information thats all,” you say and she picks up on the dejected tone in your voice.

“Can I help?” You shake your head but you keep on talking even though you don't mean to. “I was looking to see if I could find out what happened to my parents after I...was taken,” you say, and she walks with you over to the screen.

“You never saw them again?” she asks and you shake your head.

“It doesn't matter...I mean, it does matter, but they would have been all right if they still had each other. They were devoted to each other you see.”

Pepper senses something in your tone. “May I?” she asks pointing to the screen and you nod.

Somehow she brings up a blank e-mail and asks you for their names and dates of birth, then for the name of your home town, you spell it for her. She types them all in and then sends the message to herself. “I'll see what I can find out for you,” she says as she straightens up.

“I don't want to be a bother...” you begin, but she interrupts you, smiling.

“You're not a bother, how many times do I have to tell you that?”

She has come to ask you if you would like to go out somewhere; Nat and Sam have both left for a few weeks and she is aware that there is only you, Steve and Bucky left with her and Tony.

“Thank you. Thats kind of you but I thought I would do some more listings in the library,” you say. The thought of going outside horrifies you. You have only been out twice since you came here and both times you found it so busy, so bright out there. If you had a reason for going out you could cope, but without one the outside world was a frightening place.

Pepper looks at Freya. She is too pale, but Ales has warned her not to push. He wants her fit physically before they can work on her mental health. “Maybe next week,” she says and Freya nods. “I'll leave you in peace then...oh, and I'll let you know if I find anything out about your parents okay.”

She walks to the door and opens it. Freya thanks her again as closes the door behind her. Pepper decides that when Nat comes back she will ask her to drop by and persuade Freya to go out. 

*

You have settled in to a routine. You wake up, eat breakfast, work in the library, eat lunch, work in the library, sleep again. You also try and get away with having dinner by yourself but Pepper has nabbed you several times for an uncomfortable meal with her, Tony, Steve and James. You could not wait to escape afterwards. In the evenings you borrow a film or TV programme from the library and watch it on the TV in your room. You had no idea so many wonderful films exist. Nat showed you something called 'Netflixs' before she left but you find the remote has a life of its own and you end up with something you don't want to watch so you have given up on that. You still do not like technology, and it clearly still hates you.

You try and avoid Steve and James as much as possible. Whenever you come across them Steve always seems so apologetic and James ignores you as much as he can. He is like a stranger these days, and you are beginning to think your Soldier – your James - simply does not exist any more. He has gone. You have lost him completely. The only problem is every so often you see vestiges of him. A look on his face, the way he lifts his hand and brushes his hair back off his face. You ask him the basic questions and he gives you the basic answers and all the time inside, you hurt. Your first thought in the morning is of him and your last thought at night is the same and it is wearing you down.

Your health is progressing but you feel your mind is breaking down. You feel empty.

*

You wake up feeling antsy, and you do not know why.

You are still eating breakfast when both Bucky and Steve come back in from their morning run; Bucky is wiping the sweat from his face on the bottom of his tee shirt and you swallow as you see his bare stomach. You look away quickly. He goes to the fridge and takes out a carton of milk, it is already open and he drinks from it and Steve grumbles at him to use a glass instead. Bucky wipes his mouth on his arm and aims the empty carton at the bin. You can smell both men, and you are so aware of them so close to you.

Steve tells you he is heading into town later and asks if is there anything you need and you shake your head no.

Just my Winter Soldier if you can find him.

You escape back to your room but you can't forget how close you were to James, how you could feel the warmth from his body, how you caught him looking at you for a moment and you smiled and he tried to smile back – you're sure he did.

You keep telling yourself surely you must have some purpose in his life? Then your mind cruelly replies; he hardly speaks to you, never seeks you out. You feel so tired these days; you do not always know what to do to fill all the hours. Pepper is kind and always tries to make sure you have everything you need but no one can give you that, no one can give you back your Winter Soldier, nor the James you knew.

Before you can stop yourself you leave your room and walk to his.

You hesitate outside of his door. You know he is in there, but you don’t know what you are going to use as an excuse, you just want to see him, make sure he is all right - that is the excuse you give yourself. You know Steve is not around, and so there is no chance of bumping into him.

You knock on the door but there is no reply. Does he know it is you, and that is why he isn't answering?

You knock again, this time louder and the door handle clicks as the door swings open slightly. It wasn’t shut properly. You can either close it and walk away or take your courage into your hands and go in. You are desperate, you tell yourself that you are intruding on his privacy but you just want to see him. You push the door a little wider and call out quietly. There is no reply and so looking behind you, you slip into the room and close the door.

Now you know why he didn't hear you. The shower is running and steam is coming through the open bathroom door. You feel bad, you shouldn't be here. You take hold of the door handle to let yourself out when you think you hear sobbing coming from the bathroom and you would recognise him anywhere.

You slowly walk over to the bathroom door, should you call out to him?

Through the door you can see the shower. The curtain is pulled partly across, but you can see him. And you blush. He is not sobbing. He is stood, metal hand against the wall, he is leaning into the water and he is using his other hand to masturbate. You swallow, you can't move. He hasn't touched you since you came back and deep down you know why: he has Steve now.

You cannot see his face, his hair hides it but you can hear the noise and groans as his hand works at making him come and you remember him so well, you can see his face in your mind and it hurts you so much. You watch the muscles in his back flex, you could trace every scar on his body. The water flows over him and you know who he is thinking of: Steve. It will always be Steve.

And compared to Steve, what have you got to offer him? Nothing.

He says something under his breath and his head swings back and you see his eyes are closed. There is utter concentration on his face, his hand grips himself so tightly and you know he is close to coming. You can't stay. You must get out and you back up until you hit the door, then turning and being quiet you leave his room, your heart thumping, feeling sick, feeling like your knees are going to give way.

You are no longer needed. You are no longer wanted for any of his needs and you flee back to your room as if the devil is chasing you.

*

He feels the water running over his body, he feels the grip of his hand, he needs the release and in his mind he begs: please. He imagines her body, her mouth, her long hair wrapped around his fist, but he cannot bring himself to the end. He needs her. Freya. Not just her image. He sobs. He knows he has to let her go, has to give her freedom; she no longer belongs to him, she should never have belonged to him.

He hasn't dared touch her. If he sees her in a room, he doesn’t go in. He is trying to create a barrier between them. The thought of her on her knees in front of him....of her mouth...he moves his head back, eyes closed tightly, please, please. He feels the rise in the pit of his balls, the ache there and his hand moves faster, the shower curtain ripples but he doesn’t notice it, doesn’t notice that someone has been in his rooms, he is too focused on coming to an end. Finally he feels it and sobs her name as he explodes in his hand, he carries on as more white liquid flies onto his body, the shower curtain, the tiled wall and then he slows until he finishes, until he feels himself softening and the pent up frustration has gone for a few more hours.

The water running down his face is not just from the shower; it is mixed with tears as he sobs her name again. He has to let her go, he has to tell her. He has to do it today. He has been putting it off far too long.

He reaches and switches off the water but stays leant against the wall until he slowly slides down it.

He is home. He is back with Steve; Steve who should complete him but the price he now has to pay is losing her. He knows now she is part of him just as much as Steve is. He had never fully realised until now, until it is too late. If he lets her go then she has a chance of finding happiness, at having her own life, and she deserves it after all she has been through, he cannot deny her that.

There is also talk of an indictment against him, and if that happens he wants her as far away as possible and safe against any blame of anything.

Finally he moves. He feels old, he feels tired - not in body but in mind. He has to find the strength from somewhere to face her, to talk to her and convince her she needs to go. He knows she will feel guilty, she will feel he needs her so he must be convincing – he will tell her he doesn’t need her any more, that he has Steve, why would he need her? His heart actually physically aches when he says the words in his mind. How will he live without her?

He dresses, deliberately going slow; the longer it takes here, the longer it keeps him away from doing it. Finally he cannot put it off any more and he goes looking for her. She is a creature of habit and he knows where to find her.

*

You walk into the kitchen. You feel as though you will never get used to Stark's building: it is so opulent, everything is so big, you could feed an army in here. At first you don’t see him but he has seen you. He is sat at the table, relaxed, leant against the wall, face blank, unreadable. You want to walk out but you hesitate and that is all it takes. You sit down opposite him; you are always drawn to him. There are just the two of you. You do not know this but he has chosen this as it is neutral ground with a table between you so he cannot be tempted to touch you. He knows you will not make a fuss in case someone else walks in.

In this he is a coward.

“I need to talk to you,” he says and the bottom drops out of your world. You nod, you can't trust your voice yet, it could be nothing.

Abruptly he sits up and puts both arms on the table folded, his eyes don’t leave your face.

Startled you sit back slightly.

It is then he looks away, looks around the kitchen as if wondering how he ended up here. His tone of voice is even, contains no emotion. “I think it's best if you leave.” His words are short, sharp, final and then he looks at you again, his eyes cold.

You try to speak but what can you say? You are stupid - all you can think is you don’t want to make this difficult for him, but who are you kidding? Of course it is not difficult for him, why should it be. He is home now.

“What....” you have to clear your throat. “What about you? I can stay until you get back on your feet, until....”

“I have Steve. He will help,” he sits back, hands now resting on his thighs as if he is totally relaxed about what he is saying but -

- but he is not. His whole body has broken out in a sweat and he prays that she doesn’t see it. His heart is hammering so hard he can hardly hear what she is saying. Her face, the look on her face, it's as if he has just taken her soul and smashed it under his feet. Is he wrong to listen to the others? Are Pepper and Natasha wrong?

“Of course. Stupid me. How could I forget Steve?” you cannot help being sarcastic yet you don’t even know where it comes from.

He seems to ignore your words and speaks. “I've asked Tony and he says if you want help finding an apartment Pepper can help. Of course I'll make sure you don’t have to work, I'll get something set up, a bank account, something like that. After all they do owe me a lot of back pay,” he says it so simply you can see he has it is all worked out in his mind, and that there is nothing left for you say.

You try just once more “James...” but he interrupts you.

“My name is Bucky, no one calls me James...look, I'm not the guy you think I am. Or was. I'm just a guy from Brooklyn who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. You don't know or understand me all right?” And then he digs the knife in deeper, “Steve does.”

“And you think you're still that guy?” you ask bitterly wanting to hurt him in the same way he is hurting you.

He is quiet for a minute and you don't think he is going to answer but he does. “I want to be that guy again...I want to be Bucky,” and he finally looks at you, “and if I'm with you I can't be.”

He is lying of course and he knows she will not realise it; he is an accomplished liar when he wants to be, something she cannot do. He expects to see relief or maybe anger but the sorrow he sees nearly cuts him in half. She is struggling not to cry. He guesses that the years with him has left her dependant on him. That is all it is. Nothing else. She will find someone else, someone who doesn’t hurt her, someone who can give her a life and make her happy.

So why doesn’t she say something?

He can't stand the silence. They are so alike in so many ways.

“Freya it's time for you to have your own life...finally, your freedom. You have spent all this time looking after me, now you can go out there, find a man to love, have kids...God, even a have pet dog if you want one,” he tries to lighten his words, but the tone falls flat.

Have kids he says. Of course, he doesn’t know, doesn’t remember. You can't. They didn't want him to breed. There is nothing left for you here, nothing left for you in the world. Nothing. You stand up. What more can you say. You look at him and your heart breaks.

“If you ever need me..” you start to say.

“I won't,” his tone flat, final, as he stares back at you, eyes clear but dead and without another word you turn and leave the room.

He listens to her footsteps fade away and he feels sick. He gets to the sink just in time as it explodes out of him. He doesn’t have much in his stomach and he still coughing up bile when he feels a hand on his back.

“Hey Buck you okay?” Steve's voice is gentle.

For a moment, for a second, he thought it was her.

It isn't. It won't ever be her again.