Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Battle of the Gods ❯ there can only be one ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Pastafarianism or anything else in this story. Except for the pasta fork

 

OoOoOoOo

 

--In the Akatsuki lair—

 

Deidara was worried. He and Tobi were in the kitchen making lunch for the group. It was the first time in a long time (and probably the last) that everyone would be able to be together like this. But that was the least of Deidara's worries. Right now he was wondering when and how Tobi was going to burn, break and blow everything up. And since this was Tobi we are talking about, something was going to happen. That something happened right then.

 

“Senpai, what are you doing!!!!” Tobi screamed at the top of his lungs grabbing the box of spaghetti Deidara had been planning to cook for lunch out of his hands. However, due to Deidaras' handy…hands, they had already chewed a side of the box open so when Tobi grabbed it, all of the uncooked pasta flew out and landed in a conveniently placed pot of boiling water. This sent Tobi into another screaming fit.

 

“Tobi, shut up for a second and tell me what's wrong un, its just pasta.” This was the last time he let Tobi help with the cooking.

 

“Just pasta, JUST PASTA! How dare you offend his Divine Noodliness.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about, un?”

 

“You have offended the great pasta lord, and now I have to beg him for your forgiveness.”

 

With that being said, Tobi quickly got on his knees and began to recite the Noodles Prayer:

 

“Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the onion, and the bay leaves, forever and ever. R'Amen.”

 

Deidara, calmly but quickly, walked out of the kitchen and into the living room with one thing on his mind...

“Tobi has officially lost it”

 

 

He immediately bumped into Hidan.

 

“Hidan, where are you going, un? Don't go into the kitchen.” Deidara pushed Hidan back up against the wall in an effort to keep him from doing whatever he was about to do. For all he knew, he could have been going to the kitchen.

 

“Well I wasn't about to go into the kitchen, I was just going to look for my bible. Unless my bible was in there. Was it in there?”

 

Instead of answering his question, Deidara let Hidan go and proceeded to tell him about what had transpired in the kitchen.

 

“…and then he started reciting some weird prayer about pasta and lawns, un.”

 

“How dare he…”

 

“What?”

 

“How dare he bring another religion into this house! There is only one true lord and that is Lord Jashin, not some fucking wad of limp noodles. Don't worry Deidara, I'll set his misguided ass straight.”

 

It was at that time that Hidan's ninja senses kicked in and he felt a Presence. A dark and sinister presence and from the look on Deidara's face, it was very dark, sinister and terrifying. At first he thought it was Kakuzu coming to coming to kill him for buying that solid gold plaque commemorating Lord Jashin, but he was wrong.

 

“Itachi? What the hell do you want?”

 

Itachi had just come from his room, intending to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Using his Katon no jutsu to lay waste to his enemies made him quite parched. Who these enemies were and how they got in the Akatsuski stronghold was anyone's guess. Chalk it up to his failing eyesight.

 

“Well if you must know, I was just about to get a glass of water.”

 

“Oh… then what are you doing here Kisame?”

 

“Making sure he got that glass of water and didn't burn anything.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I'll tell you later.”

 

“Well if you guys don't have any intense killing intent, then who the fuck does?”

 

Deidara, still terror stricken, grabbed Hidan head and turned it to the left were he saw a shaking Tobi.

 

“How… dare…you.” Tobi said calmly, a little too calmly for the usual Tobi. Everybody took a step back.

 

“Tobi, what the hell is wrong with you? What is this I hear about you worshipping some fucking, false food God? It's food for Jashin's sake. It's meant to be eaten not worshipped.”

 

“You, have already offended the Saucy Master but have been forgiven” Tobi pointed to Deidara, who shrank back a little in fear. This version of Tobi was downright scary.

 

“You however…” turning his attention to Hidan. “will not be forgiven so easily.” Tobi menacingly walked towards Hidan, slowing lifting his right hand which held a… pasta fork?

 

“Tobi, you fucking pasta freak, stop right thaggggg”

 

Tobi immediately jumped Hidan, taking them both to the floor and bringing the pasta fork down on his head.

 

“You… will… take… back … what you said…. about… his Lordship,” Tobi said in between hits.

 

“Will you repent?”

 

“No and I don't give a flying fuck about you or your pansy ass noodle fetish, now get the fuck off me.”

 

With that declaration, Tobi brought the pasta fork down on Hidan's head again and again, harder each time, until it finally snapped in two. Now mind you, this was a metal pasta fork so for it to break instead of bend first, you know Tobi was mad. Or it just could have been cheap. One thing was certain though, repeated cracks of the skull brought breaks to the skin. In other words, he made Hidan bleed.

 

“You crazy ass motherfucker. I'm bleeding. May Jashin smite you and your noodly fuckship, but not before I get a crack at you.”

 

Tobi stopped all movement and for a second no one moved. Except Hidan who was trying to get up but Tobi was surprisingly heavy.

 

Dropping the fork, Tobi put his hands together and prayed. “In the name of the Pasta, the Sauce and the Holy Meatball. May your beer always be stale and your strippers forever diseased in the place I am about to send you. R'Amen.”

 

Tobi then proceeded to pick Hidan up and throw him into the wall on the other side of the living room by Kisame's expensive fish tank. Luckily for Kisame, it didn't break.

 

Needless to say Tobi was intending to kill Hidan and no one was trying to stop him. Until Kisame spoke up.

 

“Itachi… are you recording this?” Kisame asked, momentarily breaking visual contact with the bloody scene to verify.

 

“Way ahead of you” was the reply of the Sharingan activated Uchiha. He stared intently at the scene, catching every detail, intending to put it on video. How he was going to get this scene out of his head and onto a DVD he didn't know, but he was an Uchiha, he'd find a way. Or kill someone trying.

 

“Good, you keep doing that. I'm going to go get Kakuzu and a mop

 

With that said Kisame turned around and ran down the hall to Kakuzu and Hidan's room, hoping to find the money hungry ninja there. He knocked on the door and was relieved when Kakuzu answered, who boringly stared at Kisame as he started talking in a rushed matter about spaghetti and Tobi. He didn't catch any of it.

 

“Kisame, get to the point.”

 

“Oh, just follow me.”

 

When they reached the living room, Kakuzu was treated to smell of blood.

Letting out another sigh, he looked to the shark nin and asked him the only logical question that could be asked in these kind of situations.

 

“What has Hidan done now?”

 

“Well from what I gather, he insulted Tobi's God, which is a wad of spaghetti and meatballs, and is now trying to kill him with a pasta fork.”

 

“And just where did he get this from?” Kakuzu said with a sigh. This was always happening and it was getting on his nerves. Doubly so since he wasn't getting paid to handle it.

 

“Don't know, ask Deidara.”

 

“Ok then, when has Tobi been able to kick any of our asses?”

 

“Don't know, ask Deidara”

 

“Fine then. Where is Hidan?”

 

“Over… here.”

 

A gurgled voice issued itself from the floor, catching Kakuzu's attention. Resting against Kisame's fish tank stand, lying in a pool of blood was Hidan. Hair and face stained crimson and arms pinned to his sides, he could only lie there and let Tobi continue his assault as he repeatedly stabbed at him with the now recovered pasta fork/handle. He was highly pissed.

 

“Will someone get this delusional dipshit off me already? If this keeps up, he's going to take out my other kidney.”

 

Kakuzu looked to Deidara, then Kisame, Itachi, Tobi and finally back to Hidan.

 

“So there are three S-ranked ninja in this room, and none of you can stop this own your own?”

 

He was answered with a whimper, a nod and a slightly aggravated sigh of “He's YOUR Partner”.

 

Somehow being satisfied with the answers he received, Kakuzu turned around and began to walk back to his room, much to the protest of said partner.

 

“Hey, hey, hey, get back here and help me… Aw shit, I think he nicked my lung.”

 

“Well if three S ranked nin can't help you, what do you expect me to do?”

 

“Could you at least try?” said Deidara, having spoke up for the first time since the whole affair started.

 

“Hmm, no I don't think I will. Let's just wait until he tires out.”

 

OoOoOo

 

After 5 minutes of watching Tobi beat Hidan to within an inch of his consciousness (not his life cause you know, he's immortal), Kakuzu was struck with a thought.

 

“Hmm, interesting.”

 

“What?”

 

“Now that I really think about it, I've seen this type of behavior before but only in the most devout of people.”

 

“Really, when?”

 

“There was a small Pastafarian congregation at a bounty hunter convention in Waterfall Country. There was a buffet which I choose the spaghetti medley from…”

 

“Spaghetti, that's it, yeah!” Deidara snapped out of his daze and ran back into the kitchen.

 

“…yea so after tasting it I said that the spaghetti was undercooked crap and wasn't worth the money I paid for it…”

 

“But you didn't pay for it; you stole it from loud ninja brat in Day-Glo.”

 

“Aren't you supposed to be dying?”

 

“Hey Hey Hey you know I can't die, but this shit still hurts, so if you could kindly get your stringy ass over here and help me, I'll make sure not to kill you later.”

 

“Whatever, anyways the congregation started shouting that their god was perfect in all forms; cooked, uncooked, al dente but other nin also said the spaghetti was crap and a war pretty much broke out. I was lucky to make it out of there with my lives.”

 

“Man,” said Kisame.

 

“What is this world coming to, worshipping Spaghetti?”

 

“Kind of makes me glad Kishimoto has us worshipping Pein.” mumbled Itachi

 

At that moment Pein walked through the living room with a pair of jumper cables commenting “Damn Right” before disappearing down the hall.

 

“Uh Itachi, who's Kishi…”

 

“Katsu!!!”

 

An ear shattering explosion sounded and rocked the house as the wall between the living room and kitchen was destroyed. All the nin, except Itachi who was still recording, took cover from the flying debris which happened to include bits of spaghetti.

 

A few strands of said spaghetti fell on and around Tobi who quickly sat up, oblivious to the still falling chucks of wall.

 

“Ohhh,” Tobi squealed with delight.

 

“He has blessed me with his noodly appendage for dealing with the non believer.”

 

“Yes, Tobi was a good boy, now why don't you go rest brave warrior?”

 

“Tobi…was…a good boy.” Following the advice of the mysterious voice Tobi got up and walked down the hall to his room, pasta handle still in hand.

 

“Is everyone ok, un?” asked Deidara peeking out from the kitchen

 

“Yea we're fine, right Itachi?”

 

“Yes”

 

“Gh ths thay of me nw!”

 

“What was that Hidan, un? I can't hear you.”

 

Deidara fully came out of the kitchen covered in dust and kicked a piece of plaster off Hidan's face.

 

“Gh ths…never mind… Kakuzu you piece of shit why didn't you help me? Aw forget that, come help me now, dammit!”

 

Kakuzu, already up and brushing himself off, walked over to Hidan and grabbed him by the hair with all intent of dragging him by it to their room.

 

“Serves you right, you overly religious idiot.”

 

Kisame, Itachi and Deidara were the only ones left in what was left of the living room.

 

“Nice going Deidara, you blew up the kitchen and our dinner” said Kisame.

 

“But the pasta put a spell on Tobi, un. It was the only way to save him, un.”

 

“Either way you still owe us dinner. Come on Itachi.”

 

Kisame lead Itachi back to their room, excitedly talking about what they just witnessed and how they were going to get it out of Itachi's head and onto a tv screen.

 

Deidara looked to the now demolished kitchen with disdain. No food in there. Deidara's gaze continued back into the living room as if it held the answer until his eyes rested on a certain stand.

 

“I know, I'll get Itachi to fry some fish, un.”

 

“Nooooooooo!!!”

 

*Fin*

OoOoOoO

 

This came about out of boredom induced web surfing and a reluctance to do homework. But now I really need to get back to writing that paper. So thanks for reading and reviews are appreciated