Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Differences in Despair ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Bleh. This is just for fun and I definitely don't get money for this. Damn it.

Author's Note: My first Naruto fic. How the heck did this happen? I blame it on the all the deliciously angst filled Sasuke/Naruto fics I read. Let's hope those authors update soon, else I'll go crazy and write more Naruto fic.

As usual, peaches to Moerae who beta-ed.

Differences in Despair

What was death?

No, really, what was death? Was it just the next stage in the many stages of life? Or was it finale. Done for, never to be repeated again. Was reincarnation possible? And if so, did that mean Sasuke's parents were somewhere on this earthly plane, but in a different form? Would Itachi be back again, forever taunting Sasake's failure the first time around? Or would he be proud? Proud that Sasuke had at last stained his hands in red and covered himself with the stench of avenged blood.

Sasuke should be pleased. He should be at peace, because finally for the first time since he came home to a house full of tragedy, he had achieved what he had set out to do.

To kill that man.

To kill his brother.

Kin slayer.

Killer.

He wasn't. He should be. But he wasn't. His life goal achieved, and what did he have to show for it? he laughed bitterly. His bloodstained, murdering hands? This emptiness inside of him? His soul was crying salty-sweet tears but his dark eyes were dry like his barren heart. Itachi was wrong; Sasuke had always hated enough. He just never could bring out with the killing intent needed. Because he was lying to himself. Because he thought he was human.

Well, now his precious illusions were shattered, weren't they? In the end, he and Itachi were just the same.

Just the same.

He breathed deeply, his hollow chest expanding and filling with cold, night air. Darkness sheathed the entire village, curling itself around Sasuke, while the frozen moon shone in the centre of a clear sky. It never touched Sasuke, this reflection of light. Nothing touched Sasuke now. He was ice, stilled in time, and alone, so alone. He stopped shivering a long time ago.

Maybe Kakashi was right. It discomforted him to think of Kakashi's freely given but ignored advice long ago because it was too late now, right? What ever his old teacher had warned him about had already transcended onto his being, and he couldn't fight back. The darkness was in his soul much more deeply than it had been when he was drenched in Orochimaru's curse. Back then, he could say that he had fought a valiant battle, and lost in honour. Back then, he had his excuses. Because he wasn't strong enough. Because he couldn't fight his need for vengeance and blood, and so he had lost, only to be retrieved by a stubborn brat, too thickheaded to let him go. He almost smiled.

Now though, now wasn't perpetuated by outside circumstances. He lost his almost-smile. It was his choice. His doing. He could hear it so loudly, and knew it could never be forgotten.

"Brother...at last you hate enough. You see, don't you?" Bloody lips stretched into winsome smile. Too cruel. Too cruel. "You see...And you can. Do it. Kill me!" he hissed, one hand curled tightly on Sasuke's arm as he moved for an embrace.

Are you proud of me now...brother? Was this the only way to gain your attention? Your affection, you heartless bastard? Is this the only way you could love our parents? Those who had given you life and whom you repaid with death.

His heart burned like the scorching desert sun he had only ever seen once. His head tilted forward, lost, lost and dreaming surreal, weak dreams, and thinking thoughts he told himself to never think. Despair was only a meagre step away and his own dark soul revelled in it.

Kin slayer.

Killer.

You are what you always were. Why fight it?

Sasuke sighed and leaned back against the cold wall. "Go away."

He didn't want company, especially not him. But it was probably too much to hope that Naruto would leave.

His unwanted companion was silent, for once choosing not to talk. Sasuke was relieved. He wanted peace, though he was never fated to have it. Just this once, he begged to the heavens. Just this once. You owe me.

I owe you nothing you don't deserve, they responded back. Or was it his own dark soul who answered? After all, he had already been forsaken by the gods years ago on that night...

Sasuke decided to ignore Naruto. He didn't need to look into his golden face and warm blue eyes. They were the very antithesis of each other now, and Sasuke didn't want to be reminded.

"It's a nice night, isn't it?" Naruto said casually, as if nothing had happened and they were just two old not-quite-friends hanging out together on a lonely night. If only things were so simple, Sasuke wished, and didn't reply.

"Hey, stop being so broody and say something, damn it." Naruto pouted and looked ready to stick out his tongue. His eyes were teasingly warm though, and for a second, Sasuke looked into that pretty shade of blue and couldn't stop. He opened his mouth and words tried to get out, but couldn't. He wasn't ready.

"Broody, huh?" Sasuke smiled mirthlessly and turned back to the moon. "That's an unusual way of putting it."

Naruto shrugged and shifted closer. "It's no good to brood," he said seriously, still looking at Sasuke. "What happened, happened. You can't change anything. Not really. You just have to live with it, and just bear it. Just...live."

"Easy for you to say," Sasuke murmured with just a hint of bitterness.

"No, it's not. You know it's not." Naruto turned away, upset and quietly disappointed. So different from his usual exterior, and Sasuke wondered if this was his influence. He couldn't look at Naruto; didn't want to see what he had done to the only person who could ever understand him.

"Stop that!" Naruto whispered so fiercely. "Stop thinking all those stupid thoughts, 'cause they're not true! I know they're not true." He said softly now, "I know you're not Itachi. You'll never be, no matter what you do."

When will his heart stop burning? When will this all end?

Sasuke closed his still dry eyes. The darkness was permanently etched in his soul for all to see, except for the stubborn, thickheaded brat who wouldn't let him go, now or ever. This was an entirely new pain to bear because as stubborn as Naruto was, as strong as he claimed to be, he would still leave no matter how unwillingly, just like all those who had left before and Sasuke didn't think he could live through it. Not again, not again, his mind chanted. Not live through it and stay sane.

Sasuke opened his eyes. "You really believe that?"

"Yes," was the resolute reply. Naruto reached for Sasuke's hand and gently unclenched the taut fist. He lightly traced Sasuke's palm and simply said, "See? That's not Itachi. Never was. Blood but not blooded."

Sasuke let out a long breath, a calmed sigh. He let his hand hang limply on Naruto's. "Maybe I needed to hear someone say it," he said tonelessly, almost bland save for the subtle hitch and crack that only Naruto could hear. Sasuke knew this, and finally accepted it along with all its consequences. For so long he had denied its existence, its tangible presence, but now? Now, he could live almost with it. It didn't seem as bad as he thought.

Was this what peace felt like?

Naruto smiled, pleased. Sasuke would bet his life that Naruto was boastfully congratulating himself on a job well done but for some reason, this failed to irritate him.

"Idiot." The insult had somehow turned into a fond nickname. When and how this had happened, Sasuke had forgot. It just somehow was and Sasuke noticed it went both ways.

"I'm no idiot, jerk." Naruto said not angrily while keeping hold of Sasuke's hand.

"Idiot," Sasuke just repeated, tightening his limp hand and holding on, never letting go. Not even if more pain and despair was forthcoming, just like he knew it would. He had chosen. The present had tempted him too much, and even against his better judgement, he concluded there was really no choice at all. Not if he wanted to live.

Naruto gently squeezed back and leaned forward, softly pressing his lips to Sasuke's in a chastely, pure-white kiss. When Naruto pulled back after a brief, unforgettable lifetime, Sasuke could still feel the imprint of his heat, his warmth; the every essence of Naruto's life. Sasuke didn't move. He couldn't bear to break the spell, even as Naruto moved closer and snuggled in for a hug. Tight arms held him in a familiar embrace and for a moment, a small, tiny moment, Sasuke hoped. It didn't last and Sasuke stared forward resolutely, resigned to his fate. Naruto sighed.

The future looked bleak and grey, but he didn't move.