Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Misadventure in White ❯ Damn Those Things! ( Chapter 1 )

Misadventure in White

Giftfic for Askerian/Asuka Kureru for her HP/Naruto ficlets and because she rocks. Be sure to read them on her LiveJournal page or her homepage.

Summary: Itachi tries to find Naruto, and finds, or rather is found by something else instead.

Background: Team 7 is sent to the Harry Potter Universe to play bodyguard to Potter. Naturally, Itachi and Kisame follow. How Team 7 and Akastsuki find the Wizarding world or even get to it is… None of your business! Logic? We don't need no stinkin' logic! We've got plot devices; on sale now for ten cents each!

Itachi and Kisame run out of money and sell their services- no not those services, you hentai- to Voldemort and the Death Eaters to retrieve Harry. The diabolical duo of course has no intention of following through, they just want Naruto.

Naruto and Co. are placed into classes. Where's the sense in this? Sorry, we had to clearance that out to make room for plot devices. Sasuke's first encounter with the `stupid white horses with horns' was… interesting to say the least. Wonder what Itachi's response to them will be, or theirs to him?

~*~*~

Finding the Hogwarts School grounds had been more irritating than Itachi and Kisame had thought. Really, much more irritating than necessary. So when the first individuals that Itachi had encountered were his foolish ototou and Sharingan Kakashi, the nuke-nin had actually been mildly pleased. Killing Kakashi and thrashing Sasuke would be excellent stress relief. Itachi had smirked at his seething little brother and had been about to start the fight when-

 

-There had been a blur of white out of the corner of his eye and-

 

“Oof!” Uchiha Itachi said with as much dignity as he could muster when being bowled over, sat on and nuzzled by a five hundred pound white horse that had a horn. A unicorn. Lovely, he had been careful to research the creatures here knew that he couldn't kill these beasts without being cursed for life. Perfect. The only thing that could make this situation more delightful would be for his brother to take advantage of-

 

“Dammit all, will you get off already!” Itachi heard his brother yell. The elder Uchiha stole a glance at Sasuke between efforts to fend off the horse nose in his face. Sasuke had been knocked over as well and currently had a unicorn sitting on his back, licking his hair.

 

Sluuuurrrrp! Speaking of licking….

 

I can't kill them, I'll get cursed. I can't kill them, I'll get cursed. I can't kill them, I-

 

Nuzzle, nuzzle LICK!

 

 

Perhaps maiming them, just a little, won't count. And where the hell was Kisame? Oh there he was, laughing so hard he had to lean against his sword to stay standing. Kakashi was clinging to a tree, and Naruto, the target, and given up the battle against gravity and was pounding the earth with his fist while howling.

 

Itachi had just managed to shove his current snowy white assailant off, when the unicorns brought in reinforcements and the elder Uchiha was buried under, not one, not even two, but four of the supposedly blessed beasts. This so-called curse that one got from killing these brainless, fawning things, it couldn't be that bad, could it?

 

And for that matter, that brat Tobi, he wouldn't be that annoying as a partner if there happened to be a, ah, `vacancy' in the Akastsuki ranks, right? Kisame had just lost his battle with gravity and was rolling on the ground. Itachi needed to spill blood now and badly. The only thing that was salving his pride was that Sasuke was in a similar predicament and had five of the white beasts dog-piling him, nuzzling and licking and really proving how easy it had been to hunt and kill the creatures in centuries past. If the unicorns had only three brain cells between all of them, Itachi wouldn't be surprised.

 

It took over two hours of pushing, grunting and swearing. (the latter of which seemed to have an affect on the unicorns, so Itachi had employed his most creative language. Naruto had started to take notes, testing the limits of Itachi's patience) By the time that the Uchiha brothers managed to become unicorn free, the bulk of the school's population had come out to laugh at them. Itachi and Kisame's cover was blown sky high. A strategic retreat was in order. Itachi's pride had to be nursed back to health before anything else could be done.

 

“Of this day we will never speak again.” Itachi told his brother before leaving, cheeks colored with what was not an embarrassed blush. Uchiha's simply didn't blush.

 

“This is probably the only time I'll ever agree with you.” Sasuke replied, face also red with what was most certainly not a humiliated flush. The brothers glowered at each other for moment before simultaneously turning away. Sasuke started swearing at the still snickering Naruto. Itachi narrowed his eyes in a deadly glare at the still choking Kisame. The shark at least had enough common sense to not provoke his Uchiha partner further. Silence reigned for the entire trip back to their hotel. The girl at the counter nodded at them pleasantly and made her usual doe-eyes at Itachi. That proved too much for Kisame.

 

“You know, from what I read there's a real easy way to take care of your *snirk* unicorn problem *cough*. And it's right there.” He jerked his thumb at the desk and the bewildered yet hopeful girl behind it.

 

“Kisame,” Itachi said in his calmest, and most deadly, tone. “I will grant you ten seconds to get a head start. After those ten seconds, I will kill you.”

 

“Uh, oh, come on,” Kisame said, sweating and holding his hands out in a placating gesture, “I was just teasing you!”

 

“Three… four, Uchiha's don't get `teased', five… six…”

 

“Crap.” Kisame bolted. Itachi finished his countdown; he was a man of his word with certain people after all, before pursuing. What Kisame eventually had to do to calm his partner down from his rightful murderous rage was never fully known. Perhaps it had something to do with the rumors of the partners encountering a group of Death Eaters that had come to scold them for their debacle, and humiliating their Lord Voldemort further than they had previously.

 

The people in that group were never seen nor heard of again, and a girl who worked at the front desk of a minor hotel reported that two of her guests came in with their clothes stained with something suspiciously like blood. The younger and more attractive of the two was also said to have been rather smug and relaxed looking at that time as well. Apparently he felt that murder was better than sex.

 

The word, `unicorn', however, was never uttered between the partners that night or ever again. A distance away, in a certain school that only certain people knew about, the word `unicorn' was uttered a bit too often between one blonde haired teenager and one dark haired teenager. Often the word was accompanied by violence between those two boys as well. But this was nothing new for the people that knew them. Just another misadventure.

~*~*~

 

A.S.: Heh, I had fun with this one. This is a oneshot, there will be no continuation, no second chapter. The inspiration hit me, forced me to write and then left. I don't even read Harry Potter fanfiction. You want more, go read Asuka's stuff. She's a hell of a lot better than me.

 

Itachi: Yes, yes, we all know that. Can I kill you now?

 

A.S.: #ulp…# There's a line for that?

 

Itachi: Too bad.

 

Sasuke: Yes, too bad. I had dibs on her death first, nii-san!

 

Itachi: And that means what to me precisely?

 

A.S.: #sneaks into hidden bunker, grateful for sibling rivalry# scary… Where's my unicorn to protect me from those two? I think I'm still virgin…