Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Mission Troublesome ❯ Mission Troublesome ( Chapter 1 )

Mission Troublesome

It had been a complex and catastrophic sequence of events that placed Shikamaru in charge of the diplomatic mission to Suna. First, a butterfly flapped its wings, somewhere west of Wave country, thus creating the expected storm over Konoha. It rained for seven days straight, and Kakashi, the initial leader of the mission, got caught in the downpour and ended up bedridden with the flu and Iruka feeding him chicken soup. The aforementioned storm also rained over Neji, the second choice for leader, causing his hair to frizz and thus increasing his brooding to levels that were practically radioactive. Every attempt to drag him out of the rain was met with mumblings of 'oh, father' 'oh, fates' 'oh, my hair' 'it's my destiny to be wet' 'soggy caged birds don't sing' etcetera…

Desperate situations called for desperate measures, and so Shikamaru found himself summoned to the Hokage's office at some ungodly hour in the morning. A rather bedraggled Sakura was standing guard by the door, with a long-suffering gaze, her forehead protector askew, and looking more or less like she had been caught under the wheels of a particularly determined steamroller.

"And how is our esteemed Hokage today?"

"Currently auditioning for the leading role in :'Menopause: The Musical.'"

Shikamaru winced. "What happens if I take my chances and attempt to flee?"

Sakura cracked her knuckles. "I hunt you down, beat you to an obedient pulp and drag you back here. You'll just lose a couple of hours and a couple of pints of blood."

"What happened to that sweet pink Sasuke-kun-wailing girl, that considered a haircut as the supreme act of heroic defiance? You've just beaten Ino on the troublesome barometer."

Sakura grinned.

*

"Right," Shikamaru sighed, slightly worse for wear, after having narrowly escaped with his life from the Hokage's office. Now, he had to form a four-man team. If he was going to get out of this alive, he was going to find that bloody butterfly and kill it so very dead.

The first member of the team would obviously have to be Naruto. It was a well known fact that the reason for these endless mission to Suna, was officially called strengthening of bonds, but unofficially known as Gaara's millionth attempt to get his sand into Naruto's ever oblivious pants. Sasuke Uchiha would unfortunately have to be the second member, as he had been surgically attached to Naruto's hip ever since his return to Konoha, looking both besotted and possessive, with intentions delicately balancing somewhere between dinner dates and territorial pissing.

The intricate Uchiha mating dance. Gaze at your intended partner intensely, smack the poor thing around, stare at it some more with piercing eyes, add a couple of insults, and as it keels over confused and disorientated, carry it off to your lair. Rinse and repeat, if the object of your affections is particularly daft. Shikamaru was waiting for Naruto to finally wake up and smell the funky stalker, but the boy was lost in lala-land as usual.

The third member was a wildcard. Just to make things more exciting, Lee was nursing a hangover, Chouji was in hospital with indigestion after a hearty barbecue breakfast, and Ino was fast approaching that special time of the month, when the tender flower of womanhood blossoms. A pack of rabid hyenas would make for a more pleasant team member than Ino with cramps and deprived of ice-cream.

Hinata would have been delighted to join, but after finding the 'Naruto cut-out collection' under her bed, Hiashi refused to let his daughter anywhere near that 'Kyuubi rascal'. Even though it was hopeless, Shikamaru couldn't blame the man for trying, especially taking into consideration the state that the Bright Future of the Hyuga Branch House had been reduced to. Shikamaru guessed Konoha should be thankful that Neji hadn't followed Sasuke's example, and run off to become the concubine of the first reptilian overlord in the vicinity, in hopes that Naruto would start chasing after him.

The Uchiha and Hyuga clans were clearly doomed to extinction. That was the number one ninja in surprises for you, sending centuries of careful inbreeding down the toilet. The future generations would probably speak of the great Naruto epidemic, that destroyed any hope for offsprings and wiped out every bloodline limit from Konoha to Lightning country.

Shikamaru acknowledged that Naruto possessed a certain innocence, a certain orange-y allure, a certain jump-suited je ne sais quoi, but really didn't get what made those repressed geniuses salivate over him, unless it was that special way he kept beating them all up. The effect of Naruto's charms could only be compared to Uchiha's constipated magnetism, that held the entire female population of Konoha in thrall. Shikamaru, possessing neither ovaries nor bloodline limits, personally found them both as alluring as a bucket of lard.

Shino, Tenten and Kiba threatened Shikamaru with bees, exploding kunai and Akamaru's Triple Dynamic Marking, when he explained what the mission was, and who would the other two members be. There was only one option left. And the realisation of exactly what that option was, hit Shikamaru in the face like a train of troublesome.

"I've been stung, stabbed and peed on to form this team. Come on punk, make my day." he thought, staring at the last man he would ever want for a team-member.

"Yay! Can I call you Shika-chan?" Sai-my-second-name-is-penis beamed.

Shikamaru rubbed a throbbing vein on his forehead. "For the first time, the word troublesome feels inadequate."

*

The next morning, finding himself the leader of a bunch of incompetents, consisting of Naruto and two, rather indecently clad, dark-haired men, Shikamaru quickly planned their travel formation. Sai ahead, in order to keep everyone else's penises out of his line of sight, so that the two-day journey to Suna would not be accompanied by the soundtrack of his endless, stream-of-consciousness commentary on the size of the manhood of every member of the team, as compared to an assortment of root vegetables. Also, if any enemy were to attack from the front, Sai would be the first to go down, which was a very good thing indeed.

Shikamaru second, so he could whack Sai on the back of the head when the mood called and he needed cheering up. Naruto third, as he was the only member of the team Shikamaru had any trust in watching his back instead of either groping or stabbing him. And Sasuke last, in hopes that the view of Naruto's backside would help him focus his priorities, in case he decided to blow the mission and go off on a killing spree. Also, if any enemy were to attack from the rear, Sasuke would be the first to go down, which was a very good thing indeed.

The journey itself was rather uneventful. There was sand. Quite a lot of sand. It could be said that sand was the dominant feature of the landscape. Sometimes Shikamaru would wake up in the night to the confused shouts of Naruto wailing "But I don't want to preserve body heat, Sasuke! It's really hot already. Go back to your own sleeping bag!" answered by eloquent variations of 'Hn'. Sometimes he would wake up in the night with Sai looming over him, holding a measuring tape over Shikamaru's crotch and looking thoughtful.

There was some brief amusement on the first day, when Sai threw a cactus at Sasuke's head, but the attempts to break up the ensuing brawl, which ended up with Naruto getting a mouthful of sand, and Shikamaru getting a mouthful of cactus, were less entertaining.

On the second day Naruto had the genius idea to summon Gamabunta to carry them for the rest of the journey. It was as effective as Naruto genius ideas usually went, and the four of them had to travel the rest of the way, stopping at regular intervals to pull out of their hair, shoes and clothes, endless tiny frogs, all determined to boldly go where no frog had gone before.

*

The Suna welcoming committee consisted of a bunch of grouchy people in official robes, glaring at them. Only Gaara was faintly smiling, until he noticed Sasuke, and thus joined the ranks of the grouchy glarers.

"I feel so loved," Shikamaru muttered, while Naruto beamed happily, and Gaara and Sasuke engaged in their staring contest of 'My daddy issues bring all the boys (boy) to the yard, they're better than yours, damn right, they're better than yours.'

The official Suna robes that the Konoha team were given to wear, could only be interpreted as a 'and now we watch the stupid foreigners sweat and trip on their feet and fall over' Suna form of entertainment. Shikamaru tried not to suffocate as he manoeuvred the swathing folds of fabric into an acceptable position that would allow some basic movement. He noticed that Naruto's robes were orange and made of pure silk, while the ones given to Sasuke were so short they barely reached his ankles, with sleeves long enough to hang down to his knees, giving him the appearance of a scowling orangutan in a shroud.

"The Kazekage looks unhappy," Sai whispered in his ear. "I wonder why. Perhaps he is sad because his penis is too small."

Shikamaru shut his eyes. "I can't help thinking that I got a sunstroke over the journey, and your presence in this mission is just a fever hallucination. If I lie down a few minutes you're going to go away."

"Perhaps we could ask him about his penis!" Sai enthused.

"Sai, when the skies rained common sense, you must have been holding a very large umbrella. Personally, I have a strong bias against dying by sand coffin before the age of twenty. I can be strange like that."

Somewhere in Shikamaru's left shoe, a frog croaked.

*

Dinner at the Kazekage's residence was an elaborate affair; formal robes, candles, the scent of vague homoerotic tension wafting in the air, china, crystal glasses, and old council geezers with faces like shrivelled figs giving each other the hairy eyeball. Not to mention the haute cuisine de Suna, consisting of a variety of unidentifiable brown lumps, some reminiscent of stew, some reminiscent of barbeque, some reminiscent of sentient life forms. One dish particularly, kinda looked like Genma in profile.

Shikamaru peered down at the concoction that had found its way to his plate. It was brown and lumpy, and emanating fumes that could knock unconscious any man that hadn't undergone basic ninja training. Shikamaru sat still and tried not to make any threatening moves.

"Dog curry," Sai pointed out, as he gobbled a spoonful.

"What the hell? Dog?" Shikamaru winced, thankful that Kiba wasn't with them.

"Oh, it's just the name of this dish. Traditional Suna food. It doesn't mean it contains dog. It might. Or might not. Who knows?"

"That's real re-assuring, thanks." He experimentally poked it with a fork. It wobbled ominously.

"Oh, go on and try it."

"I don't know, I feel I still have so much to live for, so much to give."

"It's really not bad at all."

"Apart from the fact it looks about to start barking."

"Do you like the dog curry? I made it myself." Temari asked from across the table, with a grin that would make a hungry panther flee with its tail between its legs, crying for mommy.

"We're currently bonding. I'm inclined to buy it a collar and call it Timmy."

Temari's answer was thankfully drowned in the noise of Sasuke and Naruto having another loud argument, which involved Sasuke glaring a lot and flipping his hair around.

'Great,' Shikamaru thought, inexplicably irritated, as Temari turned to look at them. There was a lump in his throat, and oddly enough it wasn't the dog curry. 'And now she'll fawn over the hair-flipping, and next thing the Suna headquarters of the Sasuke Uchiha fan club will be officially founded, and they'll organise raids to steal his underwear and--'

"Oh, someone hand Uchiha a laxative." Temari grumbled. "Moody fruitcake, what the hell is his problem now?"

"His brother went to the Akatsuki and all he got was that lousy T-shirt." Shikamaru couldn't help feeling pleased, and rather pissed off with himself for feeling pleased too.

"Didn't he kill his brother?"

"It's all very unclear. It's a taboo topic. We don't talk about it around him, as we tend value being alive with all limbs attached."

"So, has he and Uzumaki done the dirty naked deed yet?"

"My ignorance on the subject is something I cherish. Apparently, Uchiha wants to resurrect his clan."

"What?" Temari looked alarmed. "Will he be creating zombies?"

"I think he means creating offsprings."

"But--" Temari was struck speechless, gaping while making vague circular motions with her hands, that probably meant to encompass Naruto, Naruto's rather male status, the utter gayness of it all, rudimentary biology lessons, the bees and the flowers, the Idiot's Guide to Successful Procreation, the beautiful miracle of bringing babies to the world and the necessary equipment to achieve it, all wrapped up in a general 'huh?'

It was a sentiment that Shikamaru could get behind. "There are certain flaws in his plan. Perhaps there might be cloning involved."

Naruto and Sasuke had finally reached some agreement, and Sasuke was now attempting to feed Naruto tomatoes. Shikamaru shook his head at Naruto's complaints of 'But I have two hands Sasuke, and can use a fork!', hoping that they weren't playing footsie under the table, when suddenly he, and everyone on the side of the table where Sasuke sat, were hit in the face with a wave of sand.

"Ooops," Gaara said gravely.

Only one foot, with the sandal dangling, was poking out of the small mountain of sand that Uchiha was buried under. Shikamaru sighed and went to pull him out.

*

That first dinner set the mark for the rest of the mission, as the Kazekage slowly realised Naruto would probably never wear a wedding dress in Suna colours and become his queen. On the second day, Sasuke gave Naruto a foot rub, during a particularly long meeting about village bond strengthening. Shikamaru found a pile of poisonous scorpions in his bed that evening.

"Eh, Gaara thought this was supposed to be Uchiha's bed." Temari said, looking apologetic.

"Oh, good to know it's not personal. I feel relieved now."

On the third day, Sasuke gave Naruto a back rub. There was lavender massage oil involved. At which point, a wall mysteriously fell on them. Shikamaru with quick reflexes managed to pull them out on time with his Shadow Technique, before he got hit on the head by a stray brick.

"My brother is having some issues." Temari admitted, holding a bag of frozen peas on his head.

"Really? And what tipped you off exactly?"

"You know, when he was little, he had this teddy bear. He was very attached to it."

Shikamaru waited. "And? What happened?"

"Oh, nothing. I think he squashed it with sand. I found one button eye embedded in the nursery wall."

"This is truly a beautiful story, thank you for sharing."

"What I mean, is that my brother is hurting right now. He goes through a difficult time, when he gets attached. This is a cry for help!"

"And yet it feels like a concussion." Shikamaru said, touching the back of his head gingerly.

"Poor boy," Temari mocked him, her gaze penetrating like an electrical drill. A stronger man might have interpreted this as a sly look of invitation. Shikamaru chose to interpret it as 'Here lies imminent castration." In her presence, everything that made him a man tended to wilt. The frog in Shikamaru's left shoe croaked weakly.

*

In the meantime, Sai managed to escape being stung by scorpions and hit over the head with bricks, which was sad, as in his case it would be considered an improvement. Instead, he spent his days harassing the Suna guards with questionnaires over their nether regions.

"You're as helpful as a custard pie." Shikamaru whacked him on the back of the head, as Sai attempted to cope a feel during a tedious meeting over taxation. "If Sasuke won't start a war with Suna with his libido, you're going to start it, if you keep following the council members around with your troublesome cucumbers and measuring tape."

"You're no fun, esteemed team leader. You behave like a sixty year old man, trapped in the body of a seventeen year old."

"You behave like the bastard child of a sex addict and a beetroot. Go give someone else the gift of STDs. Hey, keep your hands away, bad touch, bad touch!"

*

Death was a part of life, and particularly in the life of a ninja, it was a rather big chunk. Shikamaru had accepted the inevitable, with a sense of 'oh, well, never mind, at least I won't pay any more taxes' detachment, but he expected to die in a mission, doing something heroic, or if Chouji accidentally fell on him. He didn't expect to die because Sasuke Uchiha couldn't keep it in his pants.

He wondered if he should warn the Hokage that war with Suna was inevitable if Uchiha managed to score. He could almost see the message:

Hokage-sama,

Diplomatic relations are currently in the process of being flushed down the toilet, as Naruto and Sasuke have chosen the most importune time to discover they are teenagers and have needs. Request permission to throttle them both. The Kazekage is most displeased at the developments. Peace between the two villages is hanging by a thread. The situation is troublesome. It's raining troublesome. One might say that the troublesome has now hit the fan. Sai is playing footsie with himself and is no help at all. I demand a raise.

Regards,

Nara Shikamaru

PS: Send reinforcements

PS2: And I don't mean Neji

He dismissed the letter and decided to start writing his will instead.

*

"Um. Hello there." Shikamaru said, to the floating disembodied eyeball. "Is a little privacy in the shower so much to ask for? Have you gotten your eyeful now?"

Gaara's third eye blinked.

"Naruto and Sasuke are not with me." Shikamaru wiped soap from his eyes.

Gaara's third eye blinked.

"I don't know where they are, I swear!"

Gaara's third eye blinked.

"Spare me?" Shikamaru said in a small voice.

The eye did an eye roll and vanished. Shikamaru slid down the bathroom tiles in relief. "Note to self: When in Suna, never bend over for the soap."

There was a knock on the door.

"Go away Sai, I have hid away my penis where you'll never find it."

"Hey, man," Kankuro's voice echoed. "Just came back from a mission. That weird Konoha guy with the crotch fetish, terrorising the guards with his measuring tape, told me you were around. I've got a couple of bottles of sake with our name on them."

"You're a life-saver!"

*

"I have to ask, man. What are you intentions towards my sister?" Kankuro slurred from somewhere near the floor.

Shikamaru squinted. There were three Kankuros with smudged face paint, grinning back at him.

"Flee on sight?"

"Good man. Very sensible plan."

"No offence, she's a lovely girl but--" Shikamaru tried to bring the bottle to his mouth and missed.

"Yeah, lovely like a lobotomy," Kankuro laughed. "So, what about that hot blonde in your team? Single?"

"Na-Naruto?" Shikamaru groaned, as the sake bottle continued to escape him. "Not you too! It's a disease. The Kyuubi herpes. It's catching!"

"What? The hell? No, man, I mean the pony-tailed chick with the miniskirts. Nice legs."

"Ino? Trust me, you really don't want to go there."

*

Shikamaru woke up, precariously balancing on the edge of a bed that wasn't his own. His hangover woke up too, and said, 'Hello! Fancy meeting you here, old mate! Let's bond!' His hair was in his eyes, and there was something sticky on his face that tasted like passion fruit lip balm.

"You have a penis too, just like Naruto", Sai cheerful voice announced from the doorway. Shikamaru looked down at himself. He was also completely naked apart from his earrings and socks.

"An astute observation, now get the hell out." Shikamaru froze, as he felt a warm and naked body shifting beside him. The last thing he remembered was fighting with Kankuro over the last of the sake. Kankuro? He slept with Kankuro? Did this mean he was gay? Shikamaru wondered fuzzily. Couldn't he have picked a better time to explore his sexual horizons? And wait, did Kankuro wear lip balm?

"Mpf?" Temari mumbled, her hair poking Shikamaru in the eye. Oh. Hell.

"Did you copulate?"

"Sai, if you don't get the hell out this minute, I'll kill you and sell your liver in the black market."

"She doesn't have a penis. Unlike Naruto." Sai continued happily.

Temari rolled around, elbowing Shikamaru in the face, to glare at Sai. "And if you hang around my room a little while longer, you soon won't have one either. Scram or die, psycho twerp."

"Mpf.' Shikamaru said, holding his nose, and hoping it wasn't broken, while Sai took the hint and fled.
"Why the hell are you in my bed?"

"You're in mine," Temari pointed out, scratching her back. "After the serenading you did outside my window yesterday."

"What? I would never serenade anyone. It would be too troublesome!"

"Yes, that word was a common feature of your little song." Temari grinned, and whined in a shrill voice 'Oh, troublesome mirror on the wall, who is the most troublesome woman in this--"

"I was drunk! You fiendish woman took advantage of me!"

"Yes, I seduced you and stole your tender maiden flower," Temari snarled. "It's a cunning plan to force you into marriage, as you cannot return to Konoha with your innocence soiled. Because you're such a catch."

"I knew it! You women only care about getting married!"

"One more word pineapple-head, and you'll be having your front teeth for breakfast!"

"Well, it would be an improvement from your cooking!"

Castration seemed inevitable, when an earthquake suddenly shook the room, and Shikamaru fell over the side of the bed. "Crap," Temari said. "This was probably my brother."

*

"Is this another cry for help?" Shikamaru asked, as they both stared dumbfounded out of the window.

"Well, it's a really big wail. He has a lot of pain bottled up."

"I have got to find Sasuke and Naruto." Shikamaru shouted, grabbing any piece of clothing he could find and pulling it on. His left shoe went 'splat'. "Hell, I forgot about the frog."

"Wait, what are you doing, these are my clothes!"

"No time to change!" and Shikamaru was running, in Temari's sexy miniskirt no less, rushing through dusty streets and gardens, jumping over rooftops, falling into back yards, landing into herds of chickens, spitting out chicken feathers, getting hit on the head by old ladies who shouted 'chicken thief!' and wondering if he shouldn't just find an oven to stick his head in and get it over with, until he located Naruto and Sasuke in a considerable state of undress at the west tower.

"Run, you troublesome idiots! Can't you see what's coming?" he screamed, trying to push his wind-blown hair away from his face, and wiping at the lip balm.

"Um, hello miss," Naruto blushed, and then blinked and giggled. "Shikamaru is that you? Lovely skirt. Pink really does it for you. Um, me and Sasuke were doing naked sparring. Sasuke mentioned it's essential Hokage training."

Shikamaru gaped. Naruto had now beaten every brick wall in existence in his thickness levels. Uchiha looked like the cat who got the buck naked canary, when both his and Naruto's eyes bulged.

"Go ahead and stare Uchiha, I'm sure you've never seen tits before," Temari growled, levitating up the tower in her fan, while wearing nothing but Shikamaru's chuunin trousers. "Now run, you imbeciles, I can't keep him away for long, run!"

Then the sky darkened over them, and Shikamaru might have lost all sense for a moment, and shouted out a wedding proposal, but the first tidal wave of sand hit them and thankfully drowned his voice, and then they all ended up in hospital for months, where Naruto finally bought a ticket on the clue train and he and Sasuke gave the nurses an eyefull, and half of Suna had to be rebuilt and her brother had to go into therapy so even if Temari heard him she was busy and probably forgot all about answering, and Shikamaru though it was for the best because long distance engagements were a pain and she really couldn't cook worth shit.


The End