Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Why Icha Icha Books Are Better Than Women ❯ The Meeting Concludes ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
The Meeting Concludes
And the winner was...
Tsunade! The new shinobi poster girl!
“Hmm, I think there may be a problem," Gai noted. "Hokage-sama's unlikely to pose for a photo shoot.”
“No, but I have an idea. I'm not just a writer but also an artist! I illustrate my own books you know.” Jiraiya took out a blank scroll, a brush and a pot of ink. He quickly sketched Tsunade looking seductive. The three other men panted heavily over the drawing but each added a critique.
“Her boobs should be bigger!”
“Her shirt should be cut lower!”
“She needs to look more slutty!”
“No, even bigger!”
“Less clothes, more cleavage!”
“Sluttier, more sluttier!”
“Yes! This is coming out quite nicely.” Jiraiya made the necessary modifications and recopied it on a fresh piece of scroll with a rather unsteady hand.
“I wish I could get a girl who looks like that,” Iruka sighed, "but less of a bitch of course."
“You can if you follow the advice in my books.” Jiraiya was now ready with his sales pitch again. “Besides the advice, even if you can't get a girl they're…er…good company. In fact, in some ways, they're better than an actual woman. No bitching and nagging!”
“Uh, actually, I already have a copy - I just don't have it with me.” Iruka's face turned red again despite just recovering from intoxication. He actually had the entire Icha set.
“You're a super writer! I want your autograph,” said Gai as he took out his copy of Icha Icha Paradise from his inner vest pocket. 'Know thy enemy or rival. This is for research on Kakashi.'
“Yeah, uh, me too. When's the next book coming out?” Ebisu also had the entire Icha set, bookmarked, indexed and crossed referenced.
'I knew it! Based on my sales figures in this village, 1 in 2 adult males should have a copy!' Jiraiya thought happily, and then proclaimed,“So all of you really are men! All right gang, follow me to Otafuku where I know the most beautiful available women…”
Before retiring for the day, Shizune dropped by the conference room to find all the men gone, leaving behind spilt sake bottles, broken cups, and a pile of unfurled scrolls on the floor. There were two scrolls on the desk that she assumed were left for the Hokage. After cleaning up the mess, Shizune took the scrolls and left them on Tsunade's desk.
The next morning Tsuande unfurled the two scrolls that lay on top of the other scrolls and books piled haphazardly on her desk. One appeared to be some notes from a meeting. It was nearly illegible but she could make out something like “white, hair, hairdresser…rebound…” and a table of what looked like names and numbers.
Then she unfurled the next scroll and saw the hand drawn picture. The woman in the picture looked suspiciously like herself. She was leaning forward, with unnaturally humungous, exposed breasts, seductively crooking her right index finger. On the bottom was the slogan "We want you!"
Tsunade clenched her fists and her teeth. The veins started popping out from her head, and due to the stagnant blood flow, her face turned bright red.
The scream “JIRAIYA! YOU'RE SOOOO DEAD!” could be heard in the next building and beyond.
The four inebriated shinobi sang drinking songs at the top of their lungs while on the way to Otafuka. Gai and Jiraiya both had surprisingly rich baritone, though off-key,voices. Ebisu was more of an alto and had near perfect pitch even in his drunken state. But poor Iruka was horribly off key in his high tenor voice. His attempts at a falsetto caused the other three men to threaten him simultaneously with their kunai.
(sung to the tune of “Drunken Sailor”)
What do you do with a drunken ninja? What do you do with a drunken ninja?
What do you do with a drunken ninja? Early in the morning.
Way hey up it rises. Way hey up it rises. Way hey up it rises. Early in the morning.
Additional verses (each line repeated 3x, followed by “Early in the morning” and then the chorus.)
Stick him in the eye with a red hot kunai…
Up his ass with an explosive tag…
Put him in the bed with Hokage-sama…
Normally, the denizens of Konoha would have yelled at them to shut the hell up, but seeing that Sennin Jiraiya, as well as Drunken Fist Master Gai, were part of the group, they wisely held their tongues for fear of ending up in the shinobi hospital or engraved on the shinobi memorial.
About a mile from Otafuka, the men stopped singing, partly because they could not recall the words to another song (not that they got the words right to any of the songs they had been singing) and partly because the high from the alcohol was wearing off.
Iruka fell into a more pensive, depressed mood as he recalled Jiraiya's words and took his advice to heart. The lonely young man ventured to break up the silence that had fallen amidst the group. “You know, I'm only 25, but I want a family now, but according to your advice I would have to go for a 15 year old. I can get in trouble for that.”
“Well, yes, especially now with Tsunade as Hokage. Sarutobi was much more lenient about such…er…proclivities. There are quite a few young ladies you should keep your eyes on for a few years until they fully mature. This year's crop of kunoichi is quite promising I hear,” Jiraiya replied as his eyes glazed over again.
“They were former students of mine! I can't do that,” protested not-so-drunk Iruka.
“Can't and won't are two different things. Just look at them! Don't tell me you never thought about it. It's only natural. Why there's that blonde, Ino, that smart one, Sakura, shy Hinata…”
“Don't forget the crowning flower from my team, Tenten!” added Gai.
“Ah, if I could only be the tutor for one of them…or all of them! I have lots I can teach them - and at the same time. Teaching in small groups is most effective,” Ebisu interjected.
“Well, maybe you guys should stake them out now,” Jiraiya suggested. “Won't be good to fight over them in the future. You'll also have to compete with the younger men, but I'm sure intelligent women like them will appreciate the experience and maturity of us older men.”
“Well…when Ino and Sakura were in my class, I had to sit them at opposite sides of the room. They were always fighting over Sasuke,” Iruka said while thoughtfully rubbing his chin.
“Don't worry about Sasuke. He has no interest in girls,” said Jiraiya. “He's so pretty, he's probably gay anyway.”
Gai and Ebisu nodded in ready agreement. After all, guys who were too good looking just had to be gay. They regularly consoled themselves with that thought about Kakashi.
“Well…I don't really know much about Tenten, so I think I'd like Hinata,” Iruka decided. “She's shy and quiet, but pretty and most importantly, not bitchy.”
“But don't forget who your in-laws will be. Have you met her father? Hiashi the Horrible, tyrant of the Hyuuga?” Jiraiya reminded him.
The three younger men blanched at the thought of having to deal with Hiashi on a regular basis.
“And don't forget the eyes of the Hyuuga clan. You'll never get anyway with anything. The byakugan will see through your lies,” Jiraiya continued.
“A marriage should be an open, truthful relationship. There is no room for lies and deception. An insightful beauteous flower like that will keep you honest,” Gai countered.
“Yeah, I think I can live with that. I'm not very good at hiding my thoughts or feelings anyway, and I'd rather be with someone nice with x-ray vision than a crazy bad tempered blood thirsty bitch like most of the other kunoichi. Hiashi doesn't care about Hinata, so I won't have to worry about socializing with him,” Iruka evaluated, then added to himself, 'Eyes like that aren't so bad.I mean, if she can see the tenketsu, she should know exactly where the erogenous zones are!'
“A daughter of a noble family should come with a nice hefty dowry. My turn,” Ebisu interrupted, afraid he'd get whoever remained. “In that case, I'd like Haruno Sakura. She scored the highest among her graduating class on the written exams at the Academy, just as I did. And according to Ibiki, she had the best score without cheating on the last chuunin exam -quite a feat. Brains over beauty in my book,” said Ebisu. `Smart girl like that will be able to learn all the sex jutsu!'
“You're gonna have to fight Naruto for her. And from what I hear, he got you a couple times already with his…” Iruka started to say.
Ebisu quickly clamped his hand over Iruka's mouth from behind and whispered harshly in his ear, “Say another word chuunin and I'll guarantee you'll never, ever make jounin.” Ebisu punctuated that with a squeeze to Iruka's windpipe. But he said aloud, “The choice is up to her and I'm sure in a few years someone as intelligent as she is will forgo unrequited love and immature love for something more substantial - love that exists on a higher plane.”
The other three men rolled their eyes, thinking how Sakura would rather have a hapless idiot like Naruto than the pompous ass before them.
“Now my Tenten has both brains and beauty in perfect harmonious balance. An exemplary kunoichi, the best of the bunch,” said Gai with great alacrity. “I will be the one to deflower the queen of flowers! In five years time, I can still defeat both my beloved students, possible rivals for her love. With my super speed, Neji can't touch me. And I can open all the gates while Lee can only open five. Hah! I'm not teaching him the others! The springtime of youth will be crushed under the deluge of my experience!”
The other three men shook their heads at Gai's rather well thought out duplicity. Despite his speech about truth in marriage, it seemed he wasn't as honest as the ideal he advocated.
“Guess that leaves me with Ino,” Jiraiya pointed out, happily thinking how Ino was the hottest of the bunch. “Have you seen her mom? Her boobs rival Tsunade's! And you can't go wrong with a blonde.” The perverted hermit added to himself, `Who wants a dame with brains? The smarter they are, the more trouble - sharper, cleverer insults while nagging. You don't screwbrains.' Then he gave his followers his final advice, “Remember, we must protect the virtue of our future sex sla…I mean companions, until they are ripe for f…plucking.”
His conspirators all nodded in support. The four men were back to being in a good mood. The alcohol withdrawal stage had worn off and they were back to being slightly buzzed and happy as they entered the little town of Otafuka, where they could entertain themselves until the kunoichi of their dreams developed into buxom blossoms of great pulchritude and breast.
Author's Notes: This is not meant to support IrukaxHinata, EbisuxSakura, GaixTenten or JiraiyaxIno. I have no problems with older men-younger women or older women-younger men as long as everyone is a consenting adult as defined by the law.
"Drunken Sailor" is a popular drinking and sailing English/Irish folk song. You can find the real lyrics and tune with an internet search. I couldn't find any lyrics for a Japanese drinking song.