Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Why Sake Bottles Are Better Than Men ❯ Why Sake Bottles Are Better Than Men ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hokage Tsunade calls a meeting to address kunoichi enrollment. But the discussion takes a different turn when sake is served. Find out what the women of Konoha think of the men of Konoha!

I do not own Naruto which is owned by Action God Masashi Kishimoto.

Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 04.27.2007 | Pages: 17 | Words: 15.6K | Visits: 1.9K | Status: Completed

Summary: Hokage Tsunade calls a meeting to address kunoichi enrollment. But the discussion takes a different turn when sake is served. Find out what the women of Konoha think of the men of Konoha!

Author's notes: I have nothing against yaoi or yuri or legalizing prostitution or guys who wear glasses or whatever. This was written tongue-in-cheek so no one should be offended. This story had the dubious distinction of being ANBU-ed on livejournal's ff-ANBU community, which makes fun of bad Naruto fics. Ironically, that is exactly what I do in this story albeit much more subtly. The reviewer made the erroneous assumption that this was supposed to be a serious feminist parody, and misquoted/mis-paraphrased/misinterpreted much of my story. This is a characterparody, nota pro or anti feminist parody!

Disclaimer: I do not own “Naruto” or its characters which are owned by Action God Masashi Kishimoto. I do not make any money off my stories. In fact, I'd probably pay people to read my stuff.

WHY SAKE BOTTLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Hokage Tsunade sat at her desk and sighed at the figures in the registration book. Kunoichi enrollment was down again. It would have been nice to have a female on each genin team. It made the boys more serious, more controllable, more respectful. Girls were a good influence. Also, many of them became medics and they were in short supply of both medics and kunoichi. She ran her hands through her long blonde hair in frustration.

“Shizune! Come in here!” Tsunade ordered abruptly.

A tall young woman with short black hair and wearing plain dark robes appeared in the doorway. “Yes, Hokage-sama,” Tsunade's right-hand-man/apprentice/companion/slave Shizune said meekly.

“Why is kunoichi enrollment down? Several have dropped out of the academy over the past year and the number of female chuunin and jounin is even less than when I was active!”

“I…I'm sorry, I don't know. I mean, I came back to Konoha the same time as you. How would I know what's going on…”

“Excuses, excuses - I don't want to hear them! Give me a solution!”

“Yes, Hokage-sama…umm…why don't we call a meeting of all the kunoichi available and…”

“Great idea! Glad I thought of it! Call all the chuunin and jounin level kunoichi. Forget that old hag Koharu, she's useless, just likes to nag me all day about formalities. Well? What are you waiting for?” Tsunade stared crossly at poor put-upon Shizune.

“Y…yes Hokage-sama. That's a good idea. I'll call them immediately…” Shizune ran off to summon whoever was available.

The Meeting

“I've called you all today to discuss how to increase enrollment of kunoichi. There's been a marked decline in the number of young girls registering in the academy. The other problem is retention. A large number drop out, and as you know, very few ever make it to chuunin or jounin levels. I would like to hear some of your thoughts and suggestions on this matter.”

Tsunade looked at the group and frowned. Sitting before her were two women about Shizune's age. But these two had a confident bearing unlike her aide. One had purple hair tied back in a ponytail. She wore a tacky fishnet shirt and a light brown long jacket. The other, with shoulder length black hair, seemed to take more interest in her appearance and wore lipstick and eye-shadow. `Anko, Kurenai, and…that's it?! Where's every one else?'

Shizune then entered the conference room carrying a tray with four bottles of sake, a pot of tea and several cups. “I felt a more informal setting might help us brainstorm some ideas. Maybe I should start a mind map diagram?”

The other three looked at her quizzically. Shizune shrugged and sat down by the chalkboard.

Anko, Kurenai and Tsunade each took a bottle and a cup, then poured themselves some sake, while Shizune stuck to tea.

Tsunade asked them, “Where's Suzume? She should be part of this.” Unlike the three before her, Suzume actually taught at the academy.

“She said she couldn't make it. The flower arrangement class had a field trip.” explained Shizune.

Anko and Kurenai started to say, “Who needs that stuck up…”

Tsunade cleared her voice crossly, cutting them off. “Okay, let's just start. Why are we having problems recruiting, retaining, and promoting kunoichi?”

Shizune stood and picked up a piece of chalk, poised to write down any ideas on the chalkboard.

Kurenai spoke first, “Well, it's not like there's any special incentive for women. There's no maternity leave, no special benefits...” She paused to take a sip of her sake from her cup.

Anko broke in, “A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to achieve the same results…” She paused to take a swallow from her cup.

“And what parent would want a daughter to be a kunoichi? A boy with violent tendencies is one thing, but…” Kurenai finished the rest of her cup in two gulps.

“And kunoichi have to take more electives. We really have more work to do. It's not just training for combat…” Anko finished the rest of her cup in one gulp.

Kurenai suggested enthusiastically, “Hey, maybe if we were paid better than the men…”

Tsunade shook her head. “That's reverse discrimination. It would get us in trouble.” She had been drinking all along and now poured the rest of her bottle into her cup.

The purple-haired snake-master pondered, “Well, the real problem, as I see it, is the girls are intimidated by the boys. They're not encouraged to participate and the male sensei treat them like little girls instead of potential shinobi.” She started to drink from her bottle directly.

Kurenai nodded, “Yeah! Anko's right! They encourage the boys to train and fight and they send the girls to practice sharpening weapons and arrange flowers!” She took a swig from her bottle.

“Those men are always treating us kunoichi like second class citizens. There's not a good one among them!” Anko tipped her bottle over her tongue and tapped the bottom to get the last drop.

Shizune wrote furiously on the chalkboard, “no maternity leave, more work, intimidation, fight vs flowers, second class…”

Kurenai slammed her empty bottle on the table. “Yeah! Anko's right! It's depressing how there's not one single decent dateable guy around here!”

Anko and Kurenai sighed and eyed their sake bottles sadly, while Tsunade gestured to Shizune for more.

The Meeting Degenerates

Shizune soon returned with three more sake bottles. While placing one on Tsunade's desk, she dared to say “Don't you think you're being a bit hard on the guys? I mean, I think they're all pretty nice…”

Anko shouted out, “If they're nice, they're gay!” She dispensed with her sake cup entirely and drank straight from her bottle right off the bat.

Kurenai laughed raucously in agreement, sputtering sake all over her striped dress, “Yeah, Anko's right! The good ones are all taken or gay! Not that there is anything wrong with that…”

“Yes there is! Means less guys for us,” complained Anko.

Tsunade looked sharply her assistant. “Why aren't you writing this all down, Shizune?!”

“Huh?”

“Start writing damn it! What are you good for?!”

Shizune tentatively wrote on the chalkboard, “gay?”

“And if they like women, they're freakin' perverts!” Anko added.

Kurenai agreed, “Yeah! Anko's right! They're all a bunch of perverts who just want to cop a feel or screw you without taking you to a nice dinner. Write that down Shizune!”

Shizune started to blush and wrote “perverts?” next to “gay?”

Their leader mused, “I think we should get back on track, but this is much more interesting. More sake Shizune! Break out the good stuff for everyone!”

By the time Shizune returned with another tray of the little sake bottles, all the other bottles were empty and lay tipped over on the floor. She also noted that the Hokage had removed her green robe and Anko had removed her jacket. The three had consumed enough alcohol to feel too warm in the small conference room.

Kurenai reached out first to take a new bottle from Shizune. “Have you ever noticed the size and shape of these little sake bottles?” She smiled and stroked her bottle suggestively.

Anko doubled over with laughter. Tsunade started to crack a smile. Shizune turned redder.

Men of Suspect Sexuality

Before the discussion could resume, Shizune tried to head them off. “We really shouldn't say these things. I've never had a problem with any guy here. They're all very nice.” she protested.

Anko laughed bitterly. “You think so, do you? Fine, name anyone!” She reached for her third bottle.

“Well…What about Asuma? Isn't he a good friend of yours Kurenai?” Shizune asked. Asuma seemed like the strong silent type. Not arrogant or offensive. What could they possibly have against him?

“That stinkin' bum? Do you know how many packs of cigarettes he smokes a day? Ever heard of secondhand smoke? He's killing me every time I stand next to him!” Kurenai brushed her black hair away from her naturally red eyes, which by now would have looked bloodshot in normal eyes.

“But he is pretty hot. I mean, he's quite well built. Looks like he'd have quite a package.” Anko gave Kurenai a wink and a nudge.

Kurenai blushed from both the sake and Anko's suggestion. “Well, that's true…I mean…sure I'd sleep with him, but he's not permanent material.”

“Yeah, I'd do him too,” Anko readily agreed.

Tsunade eyed the chalkboard and ordered, “Put Asuma in one of those columns and give him two, no three checkmarks - I'd do him too!”

“Umm, which column? Pervert or gay?” asked Shizune.

“Well, he's never made a real move toward me,” said Kurenai

Anko shrugged, “Me neither.”

“Just put him down as gay. We can reclassify him later,” Tsunade suggested.

Shizune obediently did as directed, but gave him four check marks instead. She then asked, “Well, what about Iruka? He's really nice and he doesn't smoke.” Iruka seemed like such a sweetheart. What could they possibly have against him?

Anko pondered, “Mr. Goody-two-shoes? He's about as exciting as…as…”

“A white board? Watching a kunai rust? Listening to one of the Third's lectures?” suggested Tsunade.

Kurenai agreed, “Yeah! Mr. Self-Righteous. Can't believe how he challenged us jounin at the nomination meeting. Him, just a lowly chuunin…”

Anko nodded, “Not a jounin, not interested, not worth looking at!”

“Yeah! We can't be involved with someone who's less powerful and makes less money than us…but he is pretty cute…” Kurenai reconsidered.

“Yeah, I'd do him too. He'd make a good daddy if you want to settle down and lead a boring life.” Anko punctuated that with an exaggerated yawn.

“I bet he's going broke taking all the kids out for treats and feeding Naruto ramen all the time, but he has to be Mr. Nice Guy. Weak little chuunin, I bet I can kick his ass from here to...”

Tsunade interrupted Kurenai's ranting and ordered, “All right, put him in one of the columns and give him…two check marks! I wouldn't sleep with him. He's like a little kid. I'd feel like a pedophile.”

Shizune started to say, “Well, considering your real age, any guy…”

Tsunade gave her the evil eye.

Shizune immediately changed the subject. “Umm, which column?” she asked.

Anko, Kurenai, and Tsunade all called out in unison, “Gay!”

Shizune wrote Iruka's name in the gay column and gave him three check marks. She then turned back to her comrades and admonished, “You guys are harsh!”

Her boss replied, “Well, you can't just choose anyone. I mean, I don't know how you can stand Gai…”

“You're involved with Gai?!” Anko asked in surprised. The taijutsu master was weird, very weird, even by shinobi standards. And he was loud, very loud, the complete opposite of Shizune.

“No way! I mean, I'm not. It's just… I was being nice to him because of Lee's operation…” Shizune blushed from ear to ear. She couldn't help but be nice to people in pain. Despite Gai's strangeness, she appreciated the bond he had with his disciple. Poor little Lee's body was almost damage irreparably in his fight against Gaara of the Desert.

“That guy is just too weird.” Kurenai shook her head in disbelief. She always made sure she stood away from him. Breathing in toxic air from Asuma's cigarettes was better than listening to Gai's absurd speeches.

“That's putting it nicely. Someone give him a makeover from head to toe - fast!” said Anko, not realizing her own little purple ponytail was not much better.

“Yeah, I'd start with trimming those eyebrows,” replied her coconspirator.

“And a decent haircut by a professional. Looks like he cuts his hair himself!” Anko commented.

“Maybe Lee cuts it for him…” mused Kurenai. The two were always together, even while not on missions.

Tsunade nodded, “Their relationship just seems…so…unhealthy!”

“You guys are so mean!” reprimanded Shizune.

“Well, don't you think so Shizune?” asked Kurenai with a laugh.

“I'll admit he should wear the regular shinobi uniform…”

“Yeah! What makes him think that green jumpsuit is in anyway attractive? It's horrendously ugly! Makes him look like a crazed mutant leprechaun!” Anko laughed.

Kurenai continued to laugh, “And don't forget all that nonsense he spews out.”

“Yeah! In fact, the other day he said something like `youth is sweet and sour' and I wasn't sure whether he was hitting on me or ordering Chinese food!”

“Ha, ha, ha! He's one I wouldn't sleep with!”

Shizune asked pointedly, “So you'd rather sleep with someone who could kill you with secondhand smoke?”

Kurenai shrugged, “Pride and dignity is sometimes more important than living. Being seen with someone like that…just kunai me now!”

Shizune sighed and wrote Gai's name in the gay column without asking and gave him one check mark.

-…-…-…-…-

Men with Overactive Libidos

After finishing her third bottle, Tsunade said “You know, all of the guys you've named are better than who I had to deal with on my team - Jiraiya and Orochimaru!”

Anko, Kurenai, and Shizune all said, “Ugh!”

Tsunade sighed, “Yeah, I got stuck with a pervert and a psycho!”

"That Orochimaru's so pale, it'd be like screwing a corpse. Definitely not into necrophilia!" A shudder ran through Kurenai's body.

“But you know…snake techniques are interesting in bed, long tongue and other possibilities…”

“Eeew, wasn't he your sensei? Did you have those thoughts back then?” asked Kurenai in disapproval.

Anko turned very, very red. “No! Of course not!”

“Me thinketh thou doth protesteth too much,” muttered Tsunade.

“Stop slurring your words, I can't understand you anymore!” said Anko heatedly, forgetting that the Hokage could have easily killed her in the heat of the moment.

But instead Tsunade just shrugged, “Well, he's only interested in little boys anyway.”

Shizune wrote Orochimaru's name in the gay column and gave him one check mark (for Anko).

“Well, Jiraiya isn't so bad looking for a guy his age. He's nice and tall and…big… probably…” The genjutsu expert giggled. "He must have a lot of experience and know lots of interesting positions and techniques based on those books he writes...not that I've read any of them, of course,” Kurenai quickly added, although she had read a couple of the Icha Icha books.

“Yeah, Godaime, why don't you go for him now. Sure he's perverted, but what does that matter? It's probably a good thing at your age…” suggested Anko.

“What is that suppose to mean?” growled Tsunade dangerously.

“We know you look young but…Hey, have you gone through menopause?”

Tsunade's perfectly fair unblemished skin turned completely red and mottled. “Now that's totally off limits!!!” Her veins started to pop out of her forehead.

Meanwhile, Shizune wrote Jiraiya in the perverted column. She paused for a second and then asked, “Umm, who wants to sleep with him?”

Kurenai shrugged. Anko shook her head out of loyalty to her ex-sensei - she just couldn't sleep with his rival. Tsunade shrugged. Shizune gave him two check marks for the shrugs.

A fantastic thought suddenly struck Kurenai. “Hey, do you know who was really hot?”

“Who?” asked Anko.

“Yondaime! I remember him from when I was little.”

“Yeah, totally! What a player!” Anko squealed.

“Tsunade-sama, what was he like?” asked Kurenai.

“He was a total stud, but remember who his mentor was…”

“Jiraiya? You mean Yondaime was a perv too?” asked Anko in disappointment.

Tsunade nodded.

Anko sighed sadly, her perfect man bubble burst. "Too bad, but still I would've done him..."

Kurenai nodded, "Multiple times."

Tsunade nodded as well.

Shizune wrote Yondaime in the pervert column and gave him four check marks.

Kurenai sighed reflectively. There really was no good guy around. “Who else is there?”

“I think we forgot Kakashi,” Shizune suggested.

“Kakashi! Who could forget Kakashi.” The thought of the lazy-eyed jounin annoyed Anko immediately.

Tsunade shook her head. “He's another weird one. But what do you expect - he hung out with Yondaime and Jiraiya.”

“He's always reading those degrading smut books in public. I really want to write him up on charges of sexual harassment.” Kurenai banged her sake bottle on the table. Her reaction was especially unreasonable given that she had read the same books, albeit in the privacy of her own bedroom.

“Yeah! I'd like to cram that book right up his…” Anko also banged her sake bottle on the table.

“Yeah! And he has that cocky I'm-so-cool-by-not-acting-cool attitude!” Kurenai added heatedly.

Their reactions seemed so severe that Shizune felt she had to interrupt. “Have any of you seen him without his mask?”

“That's beyond weird. I mean, there are other shinobi who wear masks but he takes it to a whole different level.” Tsunade frowned at the thought.

“Yeah! 24/7!” That heated response came from Anko.

“And he's always late. That's beyond annoying! And I'm sure he does it on purpose just to be annoying!” Kurenai ranted.

“And he's always making stupid jokes. Totally inappropriate, like he thinks he's so clever!” Anko kicked an empty bottle across the room.

“Yeah, Mr. Genius, Mr. Chuunin at 6, Mr. Man of a 1000 jutsu! Hah! Tell that to Itachi! See how far that got ya!” Kurenai thought bitterly of their humiliating defeat at Itachi's hands.

“Still, I'd sleep with him,” Anko said upon reflection.

Kurenai nodded, “Me too, even if it's just to see what's under that mask.”

Tsunade and Shizune nodded as well. The mask was just too intriguing. Shizune wrote Kakashi under the pervert column and gave him four check marks.

“You know…I'm starting to see a pattern here,” said Shizune as she looked over the lists on the chalkboard.

The other three women gazed at her quizzically with bloodshot eyes. Anko and Kuenai robotically picked up their fourth bottles.

Shizune pointed out, “Look - Jiraiya, Yondaime, Kakashi, they're all perverts and each preceding one was the mentor of the successive one.”

“So who was Jiraiya's mentor?” asked Anko as she brought the bottle to her lips.

Now it was Tsunade's turn to have a revelation. “Sandaime! It's all his fault! It's all clear now. Ever since he resumed being Hokage after Yondaime's death, kunoichi enrollment has decreased every year except one. It must be his fault!” She slammed her half empty fourth bottle on her desk.

Kurenai added, “That's right! He allowed all these men to perpetuate this environment of hostility against women!”

Anko agreed, “Yeah! I've heard rumors of Sandaime and Jiraiya at the women's baths. It's sexual harassment I tell ya!”

“What exactly is sexual harassment?” asked Shizune. `It seems more like these women harass the guys,' she thought to herself.

The other three stared at her and shook their heads at her naiveté.

Shizune then asked, “Well, who's for Sandaime?” No one made any move so Shizune wrote his name under pervert and gave him one check mark out of pity. “Anyone else?” she asked.

-…-…-…-…-

A Very Few Good Men

They all fell silent for a while, downed more sake, thought how sexually frustrated they were, and went through the list of men in their heads.

Kurenai then asked her friend, “Hey, haven't you been hanging out with Ibiki?”

“Yeah, for the chuunin exams. What of it?” said Anko defensively.

“Anything going on there?”

“Well, he's good for a couple of lays, but you can't look at that mug every day. Night time is one thing…”

“Hey, you didn't tell me you two were getting it on!” Kurenai suddenly felt betrayed.

Anko turned very red again. “Trust me, it was nothing. You'd think he'd be more interesting with his reputation as a sadist.”

Shizune shuddered at the thought of Ibiki's scarred face. “I think he's scary.”

Kurenai recalled the disgusting puncture wounds on Ibiki's head. "I remember the first time I saw his head uncovered - I think I nearly threw up!"

Shizune continued to shudder. "I had nightmares for weeks."

“Hmm,” Tsunade mused, “I really should teach him my chakra molding techniques to change his appearance to something less disturbing.”

Shizune, now overly concerned with her chart, asked, “Well, apparently he's not gay, but he's not a pervert, is he?”

Anko replied, “He's weird enough, put him in with them.”

Shizune wrote Ibiki under perverts and gave him one check mark. Apparently Anko wasn't as picky as she pretended to be.

Tsunade stared pensively at Shizune as she wrote. “Shizune, weren't you on a mission recently with Genma, Raidou and Iwashi?” she asked when a faint memory shone through her alcoholic haze.

Kurenai now perked up at the mention of more men. “Oooh, those guys aren't bad. Do tell…”

“There's nothing to tell - we were just on a mission!” Shizune replied.

Anko scoffed, “Nothing like going on a mission with three hot guys!”

Shizune shook her head. “I wouldn't call them hot…”

“Is there something we should know?” Tsunade persisted.

“Huh? No, nothing!” insisted Shizune.

Kurenai leaned forward menacingly. “Come on, you can't spend days with those guys and not have something to tell!”

“Tell us! That's an order!” Tsunade commanded.

“Umm…well…it seems that they like to get together and visit certain establishments in Otafuku every weekend…” Shizune blushed.

Anko, Kurenai , and Tsunade, called out in unison, “Perverts!”

“But I'd do any one of them,” sighed Anko.

Kurenai agreed, “Me, too!”

Tsunade said thoughtfully, “I don't usually like guys with beards - I just made an exception for Asuma.”

Shizune gave Genma and Raidou four checks each but Iwashi got only three. “Hmm...what about guys with glasses? Do you have anything against them?

Anko asked, “You mean like Aoba and Ebisu?”

“Guys with glasses are all gay. Write that down Shizune!” ordered Kurenai, who was now riding the high before the crash.

Anko mused, “They both annoy me but…I'll have to think about those two.”

“Aoba's that idiot who told Sasuke his brother's in town and Ebisu is the prissy bastard tutor of that brat Konohamaru, right?” After being away for so long, Tsunade had been having a hard time remembering all the shinobi.

“Yeah, they're both idiotic bastards!” Kurenai gave them the thumbs down. Tsunade followed suit.

Anko shrugged, “Oh, what the hell, in for a penny, I'd do them at least once.”

Shizune wrote their names in the gay column with two check marks.

-…-…-…-…-

The Men of the Future

After some serious consideration, Tsunade pointed out, “You know, we have to prevent these men from influencing their charges."

Kurenai shook her head sadly. “It's probably too late. Chances are Naruto has already been influenced by both Kakashi and Jiraiya."

"Hmm...have you ever noticed how Naruto looks like Yondaime?" mused Tsunade.

Anko's bloodshot purple eyes widened. "No way...get out! You're kidding right?"

"Well, since he was a player..." Kurenai pondered.

Tsunade nodded.,"And we don't know really know who Naruto's parents were..."

Anko sighed, "Another bastard child with an absentee father - disgraceful!"

"I wonder who the mother was,” said Shizune thoughtfully.

"Probably not a kunoichi, we have more sense to use contraceptive techniques," Kurenai commented sensibly.

Tsunade shrugged, "Well, not much you can do when it's already in the blood."

"True, I heard Naruto developed the sexy no jutsu technique before he even graduated the academy," Anko recalled.

"Another pervert, what about the others?" asked Tsunade with a resigned sigh.

Kurenai reported, "Sasuke has no interest in girls. Shikamaru is a misogynist. Lee is just like Gai. Choji is fat which makes him automatically…”

Anko interrupted, “Damn, another generation of gays and perverts! When will this ever end!”

“Well, if we can recruit enough kunoichi, and if the sensei are women…” suggested Shizune.

“I have to say, my two genin, Shino and Kiba, are relatively normal,” Kurenai pointed out proudly.

Anko scoffed, “Hah! That's what you think! Their abnormal obsessions with bugs and dogs…what sexual disorder do you call that?”

“I think you're thinking of bestiality?” Shizune suggested.

"Yeah, that's it!"

Kurenai sighed in defeat, “I guess there's nothing to be done then.”

“At least the girls are normal, right?” asked Tsunade.

Kurenai reported, “Well, let's see…Ino and Sakura are obsessed with Sasuke. Hinata is obsessed with Naruto. That Tenten hangs out with Neji quite a bit…”

“Ah, the Hyuuga clan. Now there's an interesting combination,” said Anko thoughtfully.

“What do you mean?” asked the Hokage.

“Well, think about the byakugan's abilities.”

“Their penetrating vision!” Kurenai clarified.

Anko nodded, “That's right. A technique envied by perverts everywhere.”

Kurenai thought back to the chuunin exam preliminary fights when Neji looked at her with his activated byakugan, and wondered anxiously, “Neji's not a pervert is he?”

“Well, he has that super cool attitude like Sasuke,” Anko evaluated.

“You mean he's a gay pervert?”

Tsunade agreed, “That goes for all the Hyuuga men. They're all cold and condescending to women. And look at their hair! It's longer than any of ours, sleeker and better maintained too!”

Shizune sighed, “I've always been envious of their hair.” She ran her fingers through her own short, mussed up dark hair with split ends.

“Damn them all! I hate men with better hair than me!” cursed Kurenai. She threw an empty bottle across the room to emphasize her displeasure.

Anko nodded and took out her kunai. “I'd love to give that Hiashi a haircut, a real close one,” she said with a dangerous gleam in her bloodshot eyes.

-…-…-…-…-

The Truth Comes Out

Shizune scanned through the list of names. Since there were no more suggestions, it seemed to be time to wind down the meeting. “So, umm, how many of these guys have any of you…actually…been intimate with?” she dared to ask.

“Intimate with? Ha ha ha, you are such a priss, Shizune!” laughed Anko.

Kurenai shook her head at Shizune's innocent bearing. “Yeah! We're all women here, just say screwed or something!”

Shizune refused to use coarse language.

“I can say right off, absolutely none of them!” said Tsunade.

Shizune sighed in relief at that. Last thing the new administration needed was a reverse sexual harassment case.

Anko replied thoughtfully, “Well, if you include my wild younger days, which I mostly spent in an alcoholic daze, I think I slept with…about half of them at least once.”

“What! I didn't know you were such a slut!” said Kurenai in surprise and envy. The last word just slipped out subconsciously.

Her soon to be ex-friend responded crossly, “Oh, please, you're just jealous! I know you want Asuma!”

“You mean you did him too? You just said earlier…”

“I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Don't worry, it was a long time ago and it wasn't memorable.”

Kurenai glared at Anko. Instead of taking out her kunai, she finished her fourth bottle in one gulp.

Shizune erased Asuma from the gay column and reclassified him in the pervert column. She thought, `All men are perverts whether in secret or out in the open.'

“Well, Kurenai, you haven't answered the question,” Tsunade pointed out.

“What question?” Kurenai started to yawn.

“How many?”

Kurenai's face turned redder than what alcohol could induce. “I…I'm not sure. Does that include genjutsu?”

“What do you mean? You used genjutsu to get them into bed?” asked Shizune.

“Uh, I didn't say that…I…uh…forget it…I'd say just a handful. But what about you Shizune?”

“Me? I…uh…haven't been in town for a long time…”

“Well, include the time from before.” Anko leaned forward expectantly.

Tsunade commanded, “Answer them! That's an order!”

Shizune turned completely red. “Well, let's see…” She looked down the list and started counting. “Umm, a bit more than half I think…”

“More than half? You mean you slept with more of them than me or that slut?” said Kurenai in shock.

“Hey, watch it you b…”

Shizune explained, “Like I said, they're all very nice once you get to know them…and they all took me out to a nice dinner…”

“You slept with them in exchange for dinner?” said Tsunade in surprise. `All this time… I don't know her at all!'

“A nice dinner,” Shizune emphasized.

Kurenai muttered, “It's always the quiet ones…”

“You got dinner out of it? I feel so…gypped!” complained Anko.

“Maybe if you just gave these guys a chance,” suggested Shizune helpfully.

“They're all losers!” Tsunade declared.

Anko and Kurenai nodded silently in agreement.

-…-…-…-…-

The Solution

Kurenai and Anko now lapsed into silence, each resentful of the other. Tsunade was trying hard to stay awake. They were now out of sake. A dozen bottles lay around them. All except Shizune were heavily intoxicated.

Shizune thought, as she looked at the disheveled three, `Maybe it's not the men, but the women.'She then ventured to say, “Hokage-sama, we still haven't addressed the original problem.”

Tsunade responded tiredly, “Oh? What was that?”

Shizune sighed. “Kunoichi enrollment!”

“Oh, yes. Hmm, it seems the only time in recent years that enrollment was up was during the class with Sakura, Ino and Hinata. There were a number of girls in that class and all three current genin teams have a girl,” pondered Tsunade slowly.

Anko yawned, “Oh, the reason for that is obvious.”

“It is?” Tsunade looked up from the registration book.

“Yeah, look at what boy was in the class,” Kurenai hinted.

Tsunade looked down the list, thinking, `Shino bug boy, Kiba dog boy, Choji blimp boy, Shikamaru lazy bum, Naruto annoying brat…and… Sasuke. I see…Sasuke!'

Tsunade flipped the registration book back a number years to check her theory. She now smiled broadly. `Who saysI can't be as astute while under the influence?' she thought and then said,“I now realize the solution to our problem. Kunoichi enrollment and retention was at its highest under Yondaime and Sasuke. The solution is…we need to recruit… more cute guys! Thereby encouraging girls to enroll!”

The other women all nodded enthusiastically. A surge of adrenalin rushed through their bodies and countered the alcohol's depressive effects. They gave each other high-fives all around, while chanting in unison, over and over, “More cute guys! More cute guys! More cute guys!”

-…-…-…-…-

Epilogue

While swaying on her feet, the Hokage ordered her two lackeys, Izumo and Kotetsu, to clean up her office. With the support of the wall, she then headed to bed with a serious headache.

"Why is it always us?" grumbled Izumo, a rather handsome young man with a slight build.

"She treats us like her goddamn errand boys, but we're chuunin!" complained Kotestsu. He ran a hand through his spiky black hair.

"Hey, what's this?" Izumo looked over the list of names on the chalkboard.

Kotetsu frowned. "Well, she told us to clean up - maybe we should erase the chalkboard too."

"That's probably a good idea." Izumo gestured at the sake bottles and cups strewn all over the floor, then turned his attention back to the chalkboard. "What do you think those checks mean?"

"I don't know, and I don't think I want to know,” his comrade said seriously.

Izumo nodded his headed in agreement and picked up the eraser.

----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

GAY-...-...-...-...-...-PERVERT

-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-Jiraiya XX

Iruka XXX-...-...-...-Yondaime XXXX

Gai X-...-...-...-...-...-Kakashi XXXX

Orochimaru X -...-...-Sandaime X

Ebisu XX -...-...-...-...-Ibiki X

Aoba XX -...-...-...-...-Asuma XXXX

-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...Genma XXXX

-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-…Raidou XXXX

-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-…Iwashi XXX

-…-…-…-…-

END

-…-…-…-…-

Author's Notes:

Of course,if Kakashi had taken off his mask, kunoichi enrollment would have been through the roof!

This story is dedicated to all the men of Konoha-all of whoare hot, or cool, in one way or another.

I'd do them in the following order:

Kakashi!

Iruka, Yondaime, Genma (ever notice he has similar eyes to Kakashi?)

Raidou, Izumo, Asuma

Guys I'd have to think about: Ebisu, Iwashi, Aoba, Kotetsu, Jiraiya

Guys I'd have to be paid for: Gai, Ibiki, Sandaime

Guys I wouldn't touch, ever: Orochimaru (well, his new incarnation is pretty hot, hmm...will reconsider...)

Note: Izumo and Kotetsu are 24, only a year younger than Iruka,but I thought they were only 16-19 since they're much shorter,so they weren't included. I tried to only discussdoingguys over 21 since I do have some principles.

-…-…-…-…-

Sequel: Why Icha Icha Books Are Better than Women

Tsunade tricks Jiraiya into holding a recruitment meeting. Only Gai, Ebisu and Iruka show up. Find out what the men think of the women of Konoha!

Pending Sequel: Why Death and Destruction Are Better than Roses and Romance

More stories and articles at animefamily.com (will be totally revamped in May 2007) drop by for a visit :)