Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet ❯ Episode 13: Let’s Do the Time-Warp Again, Part I ( Chapter 14 )

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Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET

by P.H. Wise

Episode 13: Let's Do the Time-Warp Again, Part I

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Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime. I don't own the Hobbit, either. Or the Divine Comedy, for that matter. Or Canterbury Tales. Or Illiad. I don't own much of anything, actually.

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In a hole in the ground, there was a Dark Kingdom. Not dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat, nor yet a clean, cheery hole filled with comfortable things and food and beer in plenty, but a dark, dank, unpleasantly musty hole filled with things that had learned to walk which ought to crawl: it was a Dark Kingdom hole, and that meant evil.

"Well, I've got good news and bad news, my Queen," Endymion said, and well she wot what happened to those who brought bad news before Queen Beryl. That's why she had a backup. "First, the good news. Sailor01 was destroyed, and that miserable pervert doesn't have Ayanami's body anymore. Also, Roseite and Blue Thunderite are dead, and the prince of the Musk has sworn revenge on the pervert for the deaths of his servants."

Queen Beryl smiled. "This pleases me."

Endymion nodded. "I thought it might. Now for the bad news." Endymion strode forward and settled into the Queen's lap. She snapped her fingers, and a red-shirt youma appeared in a swirl of smoke. "You're on, Joebobite."

Joebobite swallowed nervously. "Well, the bad news is that Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus have awakened. Also, Senshi Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus and Saturn were at the battle." He cringed.

Beryl absently blasted the cringing youma into a pile of dust, and his dying scream echoed long in the halls of her palace. When the last echoes faded, she tapped her clawed finger to her lips. "Hmm. Strange that the Outer Senshi would take a hand in what is clearly an internal dispute. Their mandate was to protect the Solar System from external threats... I should know. I was the one who convinced the Queen to bind it to them with the Ginzuishou."

Endymion shrugged. "Maybe the oath binding was just for show?"

Beryl shook her head. "No, the Outer Senshi weren't able to intervene when we attacked the Moon Kingdom back then and ended the Silver Millenium..." she frowned. "Endymion-chan, do you remember more than one version of those events, or is it just me?"

A peculiar crystalline coffin materialized on the wall behind the throne. Endymion blinked and turned her head to look at it. The silhouette of a humanoid could be seen through the crystal. "What in the world?"

Beryl glanced at the crystal coffin and shrugged. "I don't know what it is either. It's been appearing and disappearing ever since you left on your mission." She smiled. "It is of no concern to us. Now that the Seven Shadows have returned to me, even the Outer Senshi will not stand in my way."

Endymion squirmed in Beryl's lap as the doors to the throne room swung open, and ghastly shapes of horror and madness strode (and slithered, and skittered, and flopped) into the room. Seven pairs of malevolent eyes came to rest on their Queen, and each of their owners bowed low.

****************

Ranma stood at the banks of the Ayanami-nichuan, staring at her reflection in the spring. For all the world it looked as though there were two girls, one above and one below, and staring at each other; one with red hair and blue eyes, the other with blue hair and red eyes. She frowned, and the girl in the pool remained expressionless.

A sudden touch on her shoulder sent the pig-tailed girl leaping nearly ten feet into the air. Whirling around, she came face to face with... herself. Or rather, HIMself. Otoko-Ranma stood before her, a challenging smirk on his face.

Onna-Ranma blinked. "Who are you?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I should be askin' ya the same question. You don't look much like the girl that came out of that spring."

"Huh?"

"Well, I guess turning into a girl ain't made me any smarter."

Onna-Ranma glared at Otoko-Ranma. "You take that back!"

"Or what? You'll cry like a little girl and run and tell your mommy on me?"

She felt her hackles rising, and her pigtail now stood completely on end. "No, I'll kick your ass!"

Otoko-Ranma grinned. "Bring it on, little girl."

It was at that moment that their pissing contest was interrupted by the sound of a young woman clearing her throat directly behind them. They exchanged glances, and then turned around, coming face to face (so to speak) with a tall, androgynous woman with sandy-blonde hair.

"Who the hell are you?" they asked as one.

The woman shrugged. "Hell if I know."

Onna-Ranma gave her a suspicious glance. "Where'd ya come from?"

She looked around. "I live here."

Onna-Ranma glanced at Otoko-Ranma, plainly about to ask the same question of him. Before she could voice it, however, he held up his hand. "What she said."

A black cat came padding up to them then, and all three cringed, their minds nearly overcome by a wave of terror with an intensity surpassing anything that any of them had ever known. A second later, the cat vanished, and with it, the fear.

Otoko-Ranma, Onna-Ranma, and the sandy-blonde woman exchanged uneasy looks.

"When did my head turn into a hotel?" Onna-Ranma asked sourly.

The others gave her twin annoyed glances.

"Look, I'm gonna start chargin' rent if the two of you don't get the hell out of my head."

Otoko-Ranma took a step towards her then. "We've got as much right to be here as you do. In fact, I bet I'VE got even MORE right to be here than you do. It was my head first!"

"You wanna put my fists where your mouth is?" asked Onna-Ranma.

He looked confused for a moment. "Don'cha mean `money where your mouth is?'"

Onna-Ranma promptly decked him. "No, I don't."

The sandy-blonde woman shook her head incredulously. "OK, I don't know who put me in here, but I want out right now!"

Silence was her only answer. Well, that and the noise of Onna-Ranma and Otoko-Ranma having an all-out brawl.

A moment later, Ranma's dream ended in a flash of clear blue sky and the sensation of flying through the air. "You've been slacking off for long enough!" Genma bellowed dramatically as he hurled his son-turned-daughter out the window and into the koi-pond. Ranma awoke and came spluttering out of the water.

"What'd you do that for!?"

Genma leaped out the window, coming at Ranma with a flying kick. "Ranma! Defend yourself!"

"Still haven't learned, have you?" said Ranma. She gestured to throw up an AT-field strong enough to send Genma flying back into their shared room (and through the far wall).

Absolutely nothing happened. Not so much as a flicker. Not even the slightest glimmer of power. Ranma's eyes widened in the instant before her father's foot collided with her face. Down she went once more into the pond with a splash.

"What the hell!?"

Genma laughed.

Ranma gestured experimentally, trying in vain to put up an AT-field. No dice. "I didn't expect this," he said.

"You're sloppy, boy!

"A REAL martial artist wouldn't let his skills slip just because of a boost in power! I thought I'd trained you better than that."

"Shut up, Oyaji. I'll show you who's sloppy." The red-head leaped back into combat, and the sound of their sparring echoed through the neighborhood.

"They're certainly lively this morning, aren't they?" said Kasumi, with a twinkle in her eye. She stood on the edge of the deck facing the koi pond, and Nabiki had just crawled bleary-eyed down the stairs, heading towards the kitchen.

"... some of us like sleep, you know," said the middle-sister.

"I'm sure Ranma would agree with you."

Both sisters cringed as Genma kicked his `son' headfirst into the koi pond with a particularly loud crack. From the sound of it, something had broken. And more than likely, it was the bottom of the pond.

"You're not helping, you know," said Nabiki.

"Had enough, boy?" asked Genma as Ranma floundered out of the pond once more.

"That was a cheap shot, pops!"

"A true martial artist is prepared for any eventuality!"

"Yeah, whatever. You just like fighting dirty."

The two continued their morning sparring, the noise of their midair battle echoing through the cold morning air, punctuated by the occasional splash. Presently, there came a knock at the front gate.

"Ara, I wonder who that could be?" said Kasumi.

"Ooh," Nabiki deadpanned, "It must be Ranma." She smiled sardonically.

Kasumi spared her sister an amused glance before going to answer the knock. Opening the front gate, she came face to... well, ok, more like shin-to-face with a tiny withered little old man. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

"Pretty lady!" said Happosai, leaping up to glomp the young woman's breasts.

Kasumi simply smiled. "Hello, Adam."

In mid-air, the aged pervert stopped himself, his eyes widening as he leaped backwards, performing a perfect double-jump maneuver. As he landed near the young woman's feet, he bowed low. "I'm sorry, my dear. I didn't recognize you," he said.

Kasumi nodded. "Would you like to come in?" she asked.

"Thank you, my dear. Is Ayanami here?"

"I'm afraid not."

Happosai nodded, and then proceeded in through the gate and into the Tendo yard.

"Genma! Soun! Come out here and greet your master!"

Genma's eyes widened and his head whipped around at the sound of his dreaded master's voice. Thanks to this distraction, he didn't block the punch that Ranma had just sent his way. Down he went into the pond with a splash.

"Mrrfh. Grrrfwh!" said the Panda, frantically wheeling back out of the water and bolting into the house and away from the diminutive pervert who had just stepped into the yard.

Ranma glanced towards Happosai. "You! ... wait, didn't I blast you to the South Pole?"

"Hmm. You're not Ayanami anymore. You're the other one."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

A short time later, the Tendo family (plus Ranma, a now human Genma, and Happosai) had gathered around the kitchen table. Kasumi had prepared breakfast, and they were all busily eating it.

"So who's the old freak, oyaji?"

Genma exchanged glances with Soun, and the two both shuddered.

"We will tell you a story of ancient heroism," Genma began.

Soun took it from there. "Of a horrible demon, and the two brave young martial artists who stood against him."

"The demon had rampaged across the country-side for many years, pretending to train these heroic young men.

"But they had discovered its foul plot at last, and decided that they must put an end to it! They stood bravely and fought him for forty days and forty nights! In the end, the demon was conquered."

"The two young heroes then sealed the demon within an ancient holy place, and called upon the spirits of the land to keep it safe. And they did. Until now."

Nabiki and Ranma looked expectantly at Happosai.

"I took them in, I trained them, brought them up to be my heirs. In return, they got me drunk, threw me into a cave, and then blew up the entrance. Such worthless, ungrateful students!'

"That sounds more like it," said Ranma.

Nabiki nodded her agreement.

"I've returned to complete the training of these two slackers," said Happosai, glaring at the now cowering men. "We're going on a training trip, boys!"

"Master! Have mercy!"

*****************

It is a common error to compare the time-stream to a river. Oh, sure, people can make a good show of it, going on about how you can never step into the same river twice because it's always moving, and that the river naturally empties out into the ocean, and sometimes there are these annoying backwater places, and sometimes it's like a river just upstream of a dam, where there are little pipes to let the water through (and a little watery stair thing where the salmon go through on their way upstream to spawn, except they always just get eaten by the otters and the seals instead that camp out the watery stair things like those annoying-as-hell Quake players who always used to sit on top of the rocket launcher and kill anything that approached - God damn cheap-ass campers), but even though you KNOW that some of the water IS going through, it seems really stagnant above the dam. The most annoying thing is probably the sewage reclamation sites, where the processed water is pumped back into the river and they claim that it's clean and safe, but really, would they let THEIR children swim in it?

I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought. Where was I?

Ah yes, time.

The time-stream isn't like a river. The time-stream is actually more like a giant flowing... uh... stream... of time. Or something. There's a very good reason why time travel is possible. After all, when has it ever not been now? Five minutes ago, it was now. Ten minutes from now, it will be now. Yesterday, it was now. Ten years from now, it will be now. In this particular now, there lived a Senshi. She wasn't a ditzy, cheerful, blond senshi. She wasn't a Chinmoku no Messiah senshi, nor was she a super-smart S-MART brand double barrel shotgun senshi. Wait, that doesn't exist. She was a time senshi, and that meant stony-faced-emotionless-ness.

In a rare turn of events, she was not alone. Others were with her here - other senshi, even. The Gates of Time stood before them, resplendent as an image of the power of the daughter of Chronos, in glory undimmed since the fall of the Moon-Kingdom. A heavy fog concealed the area around the gates, save for a small courtyard directly in front of them where Sailor Pluto had gathered Ami, Minako, Makoto and Hotaru for a multimedia presentation on the current state of affairs in the universe, courtesy of a lovely young girl with long black hair, celestial robes, strange facial markings, and a large hammer. The little girl stood in front of a blackboard that showed moving pictures and diagrams (chalk pictures and diagrams) without her ever actually having to write or draw a thing.

"Why wasn't Usagi-chan with them?" asked Jupiter, grabbing a handful of pretzels from the bowl that Pluto had been kind enough to provide."

Ami tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I picked up traces of Usagi-chan's energy in my last scan of the time-stream, but it's erratic. It's there, and then it's gone, and too quickly to get a lock on it."

Makoto frowned, but munching on her handful of pretzels prevented a response. It was Venus who spoke then. "What does that mean, exactly?"

"It means that we know Usagi is alive, but not where or when."

The dark-haired girl in the celestial robes scowled at the trio of Senshi, and her clothing shifted from the aforementioned robes to a really slinky black dress/crown ensemble. "How dare you ignore the Dark Queen! I'm trying to be helpful, and you choose to argue about a girl named Usagi instead of getting me ice-cream as compensation!?" Power crackled around her, and the Senshi immediately stopped their conversation and gave her their full attention.

Skuld - the Dark Queen of Ice-Cream - nodded to herself in a satisfied manner. Her clothing flickered for a moment as she pointed to the diagram on the blackboard, which showed a stick figure Cthulhu laughing as it grabbed various poorly drawn trucks (each labeled `timeline 1,' `timeline 2,' and so on,) and smashing them together repeatedly. "The problem," she began, her clothing randomly shifting between her Goddess uniform and the `Dark Queen' dress, "Is that several different realities have had a kind of collision. It's all Toltiir's fault, of course. He decided that it would be fun to start screwing up the time-stream by creating all sorts of different timelines with small variations and then letting them unfold however Fortune chose.

"There was a big competition to see who could create the best one, and the whole idea was to create a wildly different timeline with only one small change. I don't remember who won, though. It was either that one with Ranma Saotome and the annoying little pixie, or that one where Rumiko Takahashi actually got a date when she was in college. Think of it as Reality TV for the gods, except dumber."

Jupiter grabbed another handful of pretzels. "So our entire existence is really just cheap entertainment in some contest that a very stupid god thought would be a good idea to have? And we LOST?"

Skuld shook her head. "No. This timeline was created after the contest had already ended. It was never supposed to happen."

"Wait, so none of us were supposed to exist AT ALL!?"

"Not in your present state, no. In any case, most unfortunately, the Spawn of Chaos called Cthulhu doesn't care about what's supposed to happen. Also, this timeline existed before the contest. The others were new timelines created for the contest. This... well, Cthulhu made a whole bunch of timelines crash into each other. All of the other timelines involved in the collision were destroyed, but much of their materials were absorbed into this one. Of course it's much more complicated than that, but I'm trying to explain it as simply as possible."

Hotaru frowned. A strange tingling sensation had begun to spread through her hands. She looked down, and her eyes widened. "Ano..." she said faintly, holding up her hands for everyone to see. "Skuld-san..." she trailed off. Her hands were shifting, transforming from flesh and blood to metal and chrome, and back.

Skuld blinked. "Oh he..." she stopped in mid-word, frowning intensely." "Hey, why can't I swear!? Sh... God da... fu... fu... that's not fair! I am the Empress of Ice Cream! I can swear if I want to swear!"

Hotaru cleared her throat. The shifting affect had spread now to her arms as well.

"Oh, right," said Skuld, returning her attention to the Soldier of Ruin. "It looks like there's some residual temporal drift. You all might experience some very strange things as the surviving bits and pieces of the other realities try to attach themselves to this one."

Ami shook her head. "We can't just let these other realities latch on and change us into different people. Isn't there something we can do to fix this?"

"There might be, but I'm not going to tell you unless you get me some ice cream."

"Ice cream?" Hotaru asked, her tone filled with disbelief. "Skuld-san, I don't want to turn into a cyborg!"

"Aren't you a cyborg anyways? Or was that manga?" Skuld `hmmed' thoughtfully. "Is this manga continuity or anime continuity?"

The senshi stared at her, totally nonplused.

Pluto, meanwhile, as emotionless-stony-faced as ever, had called Skuld's sister, and was sharing her concerns with the self-proclaimed goddess of love.

Urd: #So she's calling herself `Dark Queen Skuld?#

Pluto: "Yes. That and `The Empress of Ice Cream.'"

Urd: #...#
Pluto: "Yes, I am quite aware of the pun inherent in that title."

*******************

In the district of Juuban, at the temple the subbed name of which I can not recall but in the dub is called Cherry Hill Temple, at the hour when the warmth of the daytime, cooled by the earth, and sometimes by Saturn, can no longer mitigate the cold of the moon; when the geomancers see their Fortuna Major rise on the eastern horizon, before the dawn, by a way which for a little time remains dark; there came to Asuka a dream.

She stood upon a rocky outcropping over an immense pool of star-lit water; an endless abyss filled with stars. Little eddies and whirlpools of light shot off from it, attaining a brief, precious freedom before sinking back into the pool and dissolving once more. It all looked very familiar, but she couldn't put a finger on where she had seen any of it before. A dark river met the pool, but it was impossible to tell whether it was flowing into it or out of it. Memory lived in that river, both hers and the memory of all living things. Mnemosyne.

As she stood upon the rocky outcropping, Asuka beheld a woman floating in the air above the pool of starlight. Her hair was long, and yellow as the sun on a clear spring day. Her hair streamed in a wind that Asuka could not feel. She wore an ornate white dress, and a golden crescent moon shone on her forehead. Her eyes were shut.

Something about the woman seemed terribly familiar, and the image tugged at Asuka's mind. Something seemed to insist to her that this was important. That this was something she ought to remember. As she watched, the light of the pool grew dim. The stars faded to blackness. The river of memory no longer flowed. All that remained was the woman, now giving off her own light.

Asuka woke with a start, and sat up. The memory of the dream did not fade, as most were wont to do. Her eyes widened as a memory from another life flooded into her mind with an intensity that was almost painful. "... Usagi!"

***************

Ukyou gave the building a quick once-over. It was definitely a `fixer-upper.' Some pipes would need replacing, as well as all of the lights. She'd need to buy a stove and convert the back room into a kitchen... but it could work. She just wasn't sure that she wanted to start an Okonomiyaki restaurant. Oh well, certainly she WANTED to, but she wasn't sure if it was wise. She did receive money from her father every month, but it wasn't much, and it didn't go very far. As she stood looking at the old building, and picturing a big `Ucchan's' sign out front, a tiny, withered old hag came pogoing up to her. She turned towards the old woman, surprised to see her here. "Cologne-san," she said.

"Hello, child."

"What brings you out here?"

"I was looking for you, actually."

Ukyou quirked a brow. "Looking for me?"

Cologne nodded gravely. "Child, we must talk." She pogoed into the building, and Ukyou followed.

"The real estate lady could be back at any moment, you know."

"She is of no concern. She will not disturb us."

"All right. What do you want to talk about, Cologne-san?"

"Ranma."

Ukyou flushed red. "What about her?"

"I want to know your intentions towards my daughter, Neptune-san."

"What do you mean?" her voice became guarded. Her identification as Neptune - a fact that she herself had only recently discovered - put her on edge.

"I think you know very well what I mean, Neptune-san. I'm concerned your intentions towards my daughter. Do you mean to start up your old relationship again?"

Ukyou was genuinely puzzled at this, and it showed in her eyes. "Our old relationship...?" she asked. "You mean when Ranchan and I were friends, back when he was still on his training trip?"

A concerned look crossed the ancient woman's face. "Have your memories not even begun to resurface, child?"

"What memories? What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about, Asuka-chan?" Luna asked. They were at the temple, and Asuka had been ranting to her and Artemis about forgotten memories for the last five minutes.

"I saw her, Luna! I saw Usagi-chan!"

"Who?" asked Artemis.

A look of horror flashed across Asuka's face. "I..."

Luna grew concerned. "Asuka-chan?"

"I can't remember. I just know that she's important. She needs my help, and I know where she is. I have to go to her, Luna!"

The two moon-cats exchanged glances.

"What did she look like?" asked Artemis at length.

"She had long, blonde hair, a flowing white dress, and there was a golden crescent moon on her forehead."

Luna's eyes widened as memories long dormant began to stir within her mind. "... the moon princess?"

"I don't know. I only know that I have to find her. Will you help me?"

"We will," said Artemis.

Asuka smiled.

"I'm talking about the memories of your former existence, Neptune-san. The life you lived in the past, before you were sent ahead to this future. Do you not remember any of it?"

Ukyou shook her head. "I... I don't know what you're talking about."

Cologne's concern grew. "I see. Child, will you be so kind as to meet me at the Tendo dojo in one hour?"

Ukyou nodded.

"We will continue this conversation then. This is something that Ranma needs to hear as well, and when you get to be as old as I am, you start to dislike repeating yourself for the benefit of the young."

"I'll be there."

****************

One hour later found Asuka standing in the command center beneath the Crown Arcade, staring through the glass at the containment bay that housed Sailor02. She had already left a note for her Grandfather, explaining that she would be gone for a couple of days and not to worry. He probably wouldn't notice anyways. Too busy stealing panties, or whatever it was he kept himself busy with these days.

She looked long and hard at the Sailor Suited Evangelion unit in the hope that it would spark some memory - some recollection that would help her. None came. "Goodbye," she said to the Eva, placing her hand on the cold glass. "I'm going to be leaving you behind for a while. I hope you'll be all right here by yourself. I have to find... someone."

An image of the moon princess flashed into her mind once more, and she clenched her fist. "I have to find Usagi."

But more than Asuka were found elsewhere in an hour's time. Cologne and Ukyou had both made their way to the Tendo Dojo, where Genma and Soun were busily (and reluctantly) packing their bags for a long training trip.

Cologne pogoed into the main room of the home, and stopped short when she noticed Happosai sitting by the stairs, waiting for his "worthless students" to come down.

"Adam," she said.

"Lillith."

"I'm here for my daughter, Adam. Not for you."

Happosai nodded.

Ranma and Ukyou entered the room shortly, and at Cologne's request, were soon sitting before her, waiting to be told what she had come to say.

"Daughter, Neptune-san, do either of you remember ANYTHING of your previous existence?"

"I ain't nobody's daughter, old hag," said Ranma.

Cologne thwacked the pigtailed girl upside the head with her staff. "I will hear no more of your nonsense, daughter. Answer my question."

Ukyou shook her head.

"... No. I don't remember nothing like what yer talkin' about."

Cologne compressed her withered lips to a thin line. "This bodes ill. You don't even remember who you are? This won't do. It won't do at all."

"Did you really expect either of them to remember, Lillith-chan?" asked Happosai. "Most people don't remember anything about their previous lives, you know."

Both Ukyou and Ranma blinked at that. "Lillith?" they asked as one.

"Hush, Adam. Most people are not my daughter, and this is neither the time nor the place."

Happosai frowned. "There you go again."

"Adam?"

"Never you mind, either of you," said Cologne. "What concerns you is this. You need to remember your previous lives, and you need to do it now. I know of a way. It's a long shot, but if you can find the nanban mirror, an ancient artifact of my tribe, you may be able to initiate..." she paused for effect, "The Time-Warp."

Happosai rolled his eyes.

"The Time-Warp?" asked Ranma.

Cologne nodded sagely. "Indeed. Once you find the mirror, initiating the Time-Warp is easy enough. The problem is finding it."

"All right, how do we do it, then?"

"It's just a jump to the left," said Cologne.

"And then a step to the right?" Ukyou asked.

Cologne narrowed her eyes. "Yes, yes. How did you know that? ...Never mind. After that, you put your hands on your hips, and bring your knees in tight. Mind you, it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. But upon completion of these steps, you'll enter the Time-Warp. To Time-Warp again, you must repeat the process."

"It sounds simple enough," said Ukyou.

"Indeed. The primary difficulty is that we don't actually have the Nanban mirror. You'll have to recover it. It was stolen from the Amazons many years ago by a terrible panty-thief, the terror of the countryside for many years..." she trailed off, and all eyes went to Happosai. "A terrible... panty... thief..."

Happosai actually had the decency to blush.

"YOU!"

The old man laughed, and Cologne fumed.

"YOU stole it!?"

"I did. Right out from under your nose, I might add! And getting it back from me won't be cheap!"

Ranma and Ukyou exchanged glances. "... what do we have to do?"

"You? Nothing. Cologne here, if that's what she wants to be called, has to admit that she was wrong."

Cologne glared at Happosai. "It'd be a cold day in hell," she spat.

Ukyou blinked. "Ano... what was she wrong about?"

"Don't you dare, Adam!"

"It's the whole reason we broke up, you know. Lillith here insisted on being on top. She said that being on the bottom was beneath her dignity. I was willing to compromise, but she wouldn't hear of it, so she decided to go off and spawn with demons instead!"

Both Ranma and Ukyou turned green at that. The image associated with that argument was... less than pleasant.

"Willing to COMPROMISE!? The hell you were! Doggy-style is NOT a compromise, Adam! And Azmodeus was a hell of a lot better in bed than YOU ever were!"

Ranma gagged, and Ukyou looked ill.

The argument began to go down hill from there, each image more nauseating than the one before. Just before the point where the listeners would have lost their lunches, Ukyou held up her hand.

"ALL RIGHT," she yelled, "THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF BOTH OF YOU! Happosai, Adam, or whoever you are. We need the nanban mirror. Is there ANY other way we can get it from you?"

Happosai stopped short and looked at the young okonomiyaki-chef for a long moment. "... Well... maybe there is..." a slow smile spread across his face, and a shiver passed through the two teenagers.

**************************

*** FIVE MINUTES LATER ***

**************************

Ranma and Ukyou, clad in nothing but frilly white lingerie, exchanged glances.

"This had better be worth it," said Ukyou. Ranma nodded her agreement.

"You ready?"

Ranma nodded once again, still not sufficiently recovered from the shock of what she was wearing to speak.

"OK," said Ukyou as she held up the nanban mirror. "Let's Do the Time-Warp Again!"

The mirror shone brilliantly, and in a flash, both Ranma and Ukyou vanished.

END EPISODE 13

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