Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Shell of lies ❯ Shell of lies ( Chapter 1 )

Shell of lies

We are so good at lying to ourselves. That's maybe the most valuable and only lesson that my mother, caught in her own madness, managed to teach me.

I just pretend to be a normal girl. That's so easy. Eck, I'm so good at it that I'm the most popular girl at school. Quite an irony, isn't it? I even have `friends'. I know that I scare them, though. They have glimpsed my fury. I must admit that it pleases me, it helps me to believe that I'm alive. No, that's not quite that, it just relieves me to see that I have some impact on their lives, even if it's silly, even if it's ever so brief... Why does it relieve me? I don't know, but it does. So, I just keep on doing it...

A normal girl would socialise, wouldn't she? Then I do. Chatting about silly things, like crushes about some boys... Ha! The world's crumbling for God's sake! Now, I suppose you'd ask me what is left to mankind but love? Tssk! Another illusion! Let's face it, when has mankind distinguished itself with love? We are all only looking for some kind of special attention, even commander Ikari. We can't stand to be on our own. It forces us to introspection. We are so keen on this search that we fool ourselves. We don't love the others, we love the reflection of our desires in them. We love chimeras. Surely, it has to be the biggest joke of the universe, because if our expectations are not met...

But even as I say this, I am no exception. I still crave for it. How pityful!

We only see what we want to see. A shell.

I wonder, is there anything else to see? I used to think that my feelings, my tears were what make me human. I used to think that if I remained angry long enough, I could forget my fears. I used to think that being an Eva pilot gave me a purpose, gave a sense to my life. So I threw myself eagerly in the fights. But when the fury leaves me, there's nothing else than emptiness inside of me.

Even the angels have more purpose than me.

Even Rei has more purpose than me.

I guess that what iritates me so much in her, is that she doesn't feel compelled to pretend. Or maybe I admire her. She dares to ask herself the questions that I keep burying, in fear of the answers. It's what makes her so strong. She probably deserves more the title as human being than any of us, just for this reason. Why does she affect me so much? Oh, well, `probably too late to begin to question myself.

Yes, she fascinates me. Why did you think I call her `wonder girl'? Not because she reminds me of my mother's dolls, even if I say the contrary (frankly, they didnt even come close to her lack of expression). If I just wanted to insult her, I assure you I could do much better. No, she really fascinates me. Like a black hole is fascinating, like life is fascinating, like a car accident is... Nothing seems to be able to touch her, and yet, sometimes I ask myself, does she notice us? Does she care? The world seems to twist around her. One can't help but to be drawn to her. I just know she will be at the core of everything.

It's both terrifying and beautiful.

When the time comes, where will I be? Will I be aknowledged?

Oh, I forgot... Emptiness has no voice, it just is... I have nothing to claim. No right to do so.

I am so weak... I disgust myself!.

I don't think the others notice. All they see is the fiery and loud demeanor, the hot temper. They think I'm just an arrogant, little brat.

That's as well like that. I don't want to let them in.

I don't want them to look past it.

To discover what I really am.

To discover there's nothing but cold, murderous rage behind it.

Rei only has seen right through my walls, and I have already been judged.

Sometimes, I think that my mother would have done me a favor in killing me, if she hadn't confused me with this stupid doll. I have become a puppet, Nerv's puppet...

Oh, I hate myself so much!

So, why am I still there? Why don't I hang myself like she did?

I wouldn't say that I didn't consider it. But I can't. Because I'm a coward. Just like Shinji. Some primal part of me doesn't want to give up just yet.

Is it that, to be human? To rebel? To cling even when it's hopeless? Ha, but is it really relevant to be `human'?

Shinji... We are so much alike on the inside, he and I. We don't really have anything to fight for, except this need to feel needed, to be recognised. We are both driven by our own terrors. Is it why we were chosen? Did they purposely turned us into this? If yes, I want a chance to retaliate.

Maybe it is finally more courageous to stay and face... whatever is to come.

Anyway, what would be the point in committing suicide? I know I will die soon. To precipit it would be like cheating. That would be too easy, too easy to play the victim. It wouldn't solve anything. That would be my last failure, and I hate to lose. I'm so scared, but I know I still have a role to play and I want to see the end of it all. I know it will be soon...

Maybe I'll find something to like in this world, in me, then...

Yellow bird flying get shot in the wing good year for hunters and Christmas

parties and I hate and I hate and I hate and I hate elevator music the way we

fight the way I'm left here silent oh these little earthquakes here we go again

these little earthquakes doesn't take much to RIP us into pieces we danced in

graveyards with vampires till dawn we laughed in the faces of kings never

afraid to burn and I hate and I hate and I hate and I hate disintegration

watching us wither black winged roses that safely changed their COLOR

I can't reach you I can't reach you give me life give me pain give me myself

again...

(Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes)

The end

AN: Anger is truly an amazing thing, there're so many shades... It can be so blinding.