Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ The Ikari Doctrine ❯ The Frenchmen ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. A company named Gainax does. If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N: Yeah…….never really done this before but what tha hey!

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Part 3 / The Frenchmen

Ritsuko walked down the hallways of Nerv.

What in the hell is so important she misses our lunch date?!

She arrives at the perpetrators office door and politely knocks.

No answer. Nock again,

She politely knocks again.

No answer. Bang on the door.

She politely bangs on the door.

No answer. Bang on the door while using arbitrary profanity.

While banging on the door "Misato, I know your in there so get your lazy ass up and open the door, you haggard old maid. Some one needs too teach you some.....

This goes on while a seemingly small puddle of drool gathers on a stack of unsigned papers. Seemingly small because every paper under the first is soaked completely through. Upon the words "old maid" Misato's head snaps itself upright.

Where the hell am I? ....At my desk. Who's yelling at my door?

"Who is it?" Misato asks much too cheerfully.

"What do you mean who is it! It's the same damn person who got stood up for a lunch date."

"Oh! It's you Ritsuko, come on in!" Again much too cheerfully.

Ritsuko stabs at the door opener and walks halfway in the door before coming to an abrupt halt, her face turning from writhing anger to curious confusion.

"What the hell's all over your face!?"

"Oh! Sometimes I drool while I sleep. Sorry."

"No. No. Drool doesn't make a drunk woman turn into a drunk French man!"

"Now what in the hell is that suppose to mean!"

"Have you looked in the mirror at all today?!"

Have I looked in the mirror today?

"Of course I have, what do you take me for, a tramp?"

Ritsuko just stares at Misato who in return squirms under her gaze.

"You might want to take a look in the mirror Misato."

Maybe I should have just gone with it.

"Well if you insist!"

Misato opens one of the side drawers to her desk and pulls out a handheld mirror.

She slowly brings it up to her face.

Oh this is priceless.

Surprisingly Misato is not near as animated as Ritsuko would have estimated.

Misato slowly puts the mirror back in the drawer and closes the drawer without slamming it.

Ok let's take stock of the situation. Someone has apparently found it appropriate to draw a very bushy looking mustache that curls at the tips and a goatee on my beautiful face. As if that wasn't enough they draw wrinkles under my eyes. She's right. I do look like a Frenchman, especially with this freaking beret I have on. Man I'm hungry......

Misato's face goes from thoughtfulness to the "Oh My God" face. This is the face Ritsuko has patiently waited for.

"It's past lunchtime isn't it?!"

"That's what I came to..."

"Just answer the fucking question!!!!" Misato yells while jumping up and slamming her palms down on her desk.

"Yes."

Should have just let it be.

Misato's face contorts into one of pure rage as thoughts run through her mind.

"Your face makes me happy."

A deep male voice "Katsuragi report."

"A picture with me and the guys."

"You know I look up to you captain."

"Can I have a picture of just you?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL THEM ALL!!!!!" Misato screams while jumping from the floor to her chair to her desk. Once her ascent comes to a halt she pulls out her pistol and waves it menacingly around in the air.

Ritsuko, having seen this behavior before, dives to the floor and scampers under one of the chairs Misato had in front of her desk.

"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS UP WHEN THEY WANTED MY PICTURE!!!!" Misato screeched while still waving her gun around.

Ritsuko, wanting to avoid any physical involvement, decides to add some constructive criticism. Well meekly add anyway since she considered herself a hostage at this point.

"Maybe you should concentrate on who did this to you."

Suddenly everything is very quite. Ritsuko can hear Misato climbing down off of her desk and reinserting herself in her office chair.

"Of course your right Ritsuko, (sighing) I'll take care of that picture taking bitch later."

Misato picks up her phone while Ritsuko finds a comfortable position in the chair she had just been under.

"Section 2, this is Captain Katsuragi, I would like the video feed of the main room in my apartment from six this morning till noon. I will be by to pick it up shortly."

Misato hangs up the phone and heads over to her personal sink.

"I'm going to wash this shit off now Ritsuko, I appreciate your informing me of my predicament, but now you might want to leave. See you later. Bye Bye now."

Ritsuko picks herself out of the seat and quietly leaves while mentally thanking God she could still walk.

Now to scrub this shit off my face!!

Misato picks up a paper towel and some soap and begins to scrub.

This shit's not coming off!

Motherfuckerrr!!!!

The soap ends up across the room and the towel in the trash while one Misato Katsuragi heads out the door and straight to the command center.

*********************************************************************** *******

Back in the command center the three lieutenants were sitting in there chairs and acting like they were doing something when a very calm and collected Misato came in.

"Oh Maya."

"Yes Captain?"

"I was very interested in your camera earlier.... you don't mind if I take a look at it, do you?"

"Of course not Captain." Maya said cheerfully.

Again a camera appears out of nowhere.

"Here you go Captain."

Too happy, I wonder what her angle is.

"Oh My! This is that expensive new Sony model isn't it?"

"Yes ma'am, it had the highest resolution, and the memory card is the best you can buy." Maya listed off its features happily.

Taking the memory card out, "You mean this memory card, they make these things so flimsy don't ya think?"

"Well size is cruc….."

SNAP

"…ial."

"Just as I thought, flimsy!"

Maya's face went from happy to "My dog just got ran over".

Misato walks over to the edge of the terminals where the large drop off to the magi is.

"Well at least you still have this rather expensive camera.... Oops!"

The shattering of electronics has a distinct sound no one should ever have to hear.

Maya's face went from "My dog just got ran over" to "My grandma just ran over my dog, then into a telephone pole and went through the front window."

That should do just fine, as for the other two; time will give me the opportunity to exact my revenge.

Misato, with a bright French smile on her face, heads off of the command deck and toward section 2 to get her evidence.

"Damn Maya, that sucked."

"Yeah, too bad about those pictures."

Pulling a memory stick out of her pocket

"You mean these pictures."

"That was pretty slick; still the camera was a low blow." Makoto said.

"Oh you mean that old thing, I would never let the major touch my real camera!"

"That was one of the first digital models made by Sony, ha! You couldn't get five bucks for it now!"

Both Makoto and Shigeru both smiled at Maya for her recent victory but each had similar thoughts.

I got to watch my back around her, this bitch is crazy!!

*********************************************************************** *******

Back in the junior high classroom of 2-A, Shinji Ikari sat waiting for the bell to ring; he had gone through his "perfect plan" about a hundred times since lunch. Now he was waiting for the walk home, he still hadn't figured out how he was going to handle Asuka till his plan could take affect tomorrow. Sure he had taken some flack over the unexpected attack. He didn't think the arsenal used was justified in retaliation for his preemptive strike this morning, but he was going to rectify the situation and try to put them back on a level playing field.

When's this damn bell going to ring!! .....Not that I'm exited about walking home with her but......

BBRIINNGGGG

Ahh! There it is.

Shinji started to put his laptop away, until he saw a shadow looming over him.

Shit! How could I let her get right behind me!

Bracing for impact, Shinji slowly turns around.

"Oh, hi Rei, what do you need?"

"I would like to speak to you about the incident this morning."

Everyone in the class stopped to listen to this, Rei hardly ever talks.

"You heard about that, did you?"

"Yes, and I do not think that it is wise."

"You know I don't think it is either Rei."

Son of a Bitch!! She's doing this on purpose, I swear it!

"If you must touch yourself in a sexual manner I suggest you do it away from others, there is no telling what other people might have, …… maybe in the bathroom."

"Thanks for the suggestion Rei, I'll keep that in mind."

"One more thing Ikari."

"Yes Rei?"

When does the torture stop!!!

"If you must look at a half naked woman to touch yourself, I suggest looking at pictures instead of your roommates. It is just more sanitary, and I know that the commander would be upset if a pilot was unable to perform adequately because of such a trivial matter."

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Take a shot at me today"?

"Thanks Rei, good advice is always welcome."

"Very well then, goodbye Ikari."

"Goodbye Rei."

Shinji looks around at the class, and finds every eye still on him.

"What?!" He yells, which causes everyone but Asuka to flinch at this new side of the ever stoic Shinji.

"Let's go Baka!" Asuka yells from the front of the room.

"How can you stand to be around him?" Hikari asks while giving Shinji a disappointed glare.

"I think Shinji's learned his lesson, Haven't you Shinji?"

Shinji nods his head "Of course Asuka, I will never try that again!"

"Good Boy." Asuka says while patting the boy on the head.

Just keep thinking you've won, keep feeding that ego!

Shinji walks quietly behind Asuka the whole way home, thinking of nothing but gruesome deaths for the redhead.

*********************************************************************** *******

At home Misato sits waiting. Of course now she has viewed the tape she picked up from section two.

She has drug a chair over to the television and sits straight up with her arms under her breasts and a firm scowl on her face. The television shows the inside of the apartment, apparently she paused it just before the good part.

I'm not gonna kill her! I'm not gonna kill her! I'm not gonna kill her!

Just then the door slides open.

"And for repayment your gonna make my dinner tonight baka!"

"Sure, sure, whatever."

I'm gonna kill her.

"Asuka, get in here now please, and Shinji go to your room."

"Sure thing Misato." Shinji said cheerfully.

She sounds friggin pissed.

"I didn't know you were home yet Misato."

She doesn't remember what she did to my face...... but she will.

Asuka walked into the living room, took one look at Misato, and the memory of that morning came rushing back to her.

"Come on in Asuka, have a seat, do you want anything to drink?"

She's being way too nice.

Asuka visibly swallowed, and now you could see little beads of sweat gathering on her forehead.

"No thanks Misato I'm fine." She said shakily.

"That's good. Now let's get to the part I want to talk about."

"Between the time I came home last night and the time I woke up to head into Nerv, this (she referred to her face with a slight wave) appeared on my face."

"Imagine my surprise when I figured out what was on my face after lunch."

Asuka's face went to the "Oh Shit" phase.

"Exactly."

"I wondered "Who could have done such a thing to a sweet unsuspecting woman?"; do you know who could do such a thing Asuka?"

"S-s-Shinji?"

"No you little twerp, it was you, and here is the damning evidence!"

With that she pushes play. You can clearly see a redhead leaving the kitchen with a sharpie in hand and entering Misato's room. Misato fast forwards the tape until you see the redhead leave the room with a devilish grin on her face.

"W-w-What are y-you going to d-do to me?"

"I'm going to allow you and Shinji to go to school for one extra day, you see I originally planned for you to quit school until this angel is beaten, but now you will experience my embarrassment for yourself."

"You can't do that!"

Yeah I love being mean baby.

"Oh just wait!"

"Didn't you see what Shinji did to me!?"

"Yes, I did see what he did, and I'm rather proud of him."

"What!!?"

"That's right, I saw the doctrine and I'm glad he's finally standing up for himself."

"Well don't get too exited, I already put Ikari back in his place, so HA!"

"I'm going to my room now, living with a guardian like you is a disgrace!"

"It might be, but before you go to your room........."

Misato pulls a sharpie from her back shorts pocket.

"me and you are going to make amends."

Shinji's head, or more appropriately his ear, is plastered to his door.

The devil herself thinks it's over, eh? Thinks she put me back in my place, eh?

Shinji waited at the door for what felt like 10 minutes after that, his facial expression of pure pleasure at the sound of Asuka's pointless screams of protest and rude comments directed at Misato.

"Heh, I didn't even have to do anything, she screwed herself over." he whispered.

Now, to wait for my cue.

One door slammed, the fridge opened, the fridge closed, and another door slammed.

That's it!

Shinji slipped out of his room as quietly as he could then headed to the kitchen.

"Let's see, what can I make for dinner? Oooh, Asuka loves steak! That should be a good way to say I'm sorry for this morning."

Maybe that was loud enough for her to hear, she has to think that she's put me in my place.

Shinji reaches into one of the cabinets and pulls out…. "Pam non-stick cooking spray."

A devilish grin appeared on his face.

Prepare to have your ass cooked Asuka!

Shinji heads into the living room and goes over to the sync pads they were going to use tonight for training.

"Shinji, this is the best steak I've ever had!" Misato exclaimed between mouthfuls of steak and beer.

"Yeah baka boy, I can't believe you didn't screw this up too."

"Coming from a people as scrutinizing as the French, I consider that a great compliment." Shinji said while smiling evilly.

Both women, knives at hand, glared holes straight through Shinji's head.

Oh shit! Do something quick idiot!

"Uhh…. Even with Frenchmen's faces drawn over your own, you're still the most beautiful women in Tokyo-3…. Hell, maybe even the world."

Misato and surprisingly even Asuka beamed at the compliment and continued on with their meal.

I don't know where I pulled that out from but thank you God for it!!..... and while on this

Mental Note: Don't insult women, no matter how trivial you think it might be, while they have sharp objects at hand.

DING-DONG

Asuka ran like lightning to her room at the sound of the doorbell, going as far as to leave her steak behind.

"Is somebody coming over Misato?"

"Well I figured that your friends might like to see you and Asuka in your "outfits"." Misato said cheerfully.

"What about your face."

"Well, your two friends I really don't have to worry about since in their eyes I 'm a goddess, and I'll just tell Hikari it was an office prank." She said while answering the door. "Besides you're not the only one who likes to see Asuka squirm."

Oh just wait! Shinji thought.

"Come on out Asuka, Hikari can't wait to see you!!!" Misato yelled from her position at the living room table. Around the same table sat Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, Rei, and pen pen.

"Yeah she-devil, lets get this show on the road!" shouted Toji.

Shinji sat by his sync pad in great anticipation, of course he didn't yell at Asuka too for he didn't want to ruin his little surprise by seeming too eager.

Hikari kept glancing at Shinji in what could only be considered "moderate disgust".

That reminds me.

"Misato, did Asuka say anything to you about me "sexually molesting" her this morning?"

"No, why would she mention anything like that?.... You would never do anything like that anyway."

"Well as a way of getting back at me for this morning, she spread the rumor that I was pleasuring myself while looking at her this morning."

Rei decided to interject herself at this point.

"Do not worry Captain, I have already suggested that Shinji use the bathroom for such activities. I'm sure you would agree that to have him get a disease or infection would not be in the best interest for his piloting duties."

"Well Rei, I can assure that Shinji did not do that to Asuka this morning, and when he does pleasure himself he already uses the bathroom."

Shit! She knows about that!

Hikari seemed to be puzzled by this.

Why would Asuka lie to me? She did want to sit by the rest of the girls today for some reason. Oh My God! She used me to spread rumors about Shinji! I'll still be her friend but I am very upset.

You could see the different emotions go through Hikari's face, and you could also see everyone edge away from her when it went to anger. She wasn't the Class Rep for nothing.

At that moment Asuka appeared in the doorway. You could tell that she had tried to scrub the permanent ink off with sand paper or something. All it did was make her face look red and irritated.

"Look! A drunk Frenchman!" Toji exclaimed while doubling over in laughter.

"This is too much man, I can't take it, where's my camera?" Kensuke said between bouts of laughter.

"What happened Asuka?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it, and I suggest you stooges remember what happened to Ikari after messing with the great Asuka Langley Soryu!"

All laughing promptly stopped, but smiles were clearly visible on all.

"Let's get this over with quickly baka!" Asuka said while making her way to her sink pad.

"Sure, sure." Shinji said like he didn't care one way or the other.

Shinji got in position on the pad. Asuka got in position too but didn't notice that her hands and feet were slipping just a little. Misato pulled out a remote for the sync machine and hit play.

The music came on and three seconds later Asuka was spread eagle on the pad rubbing her chin because it hit the ground first. Everyone, except Rei, burst out into a fresh bout of laughter at that.

"Asuka you're never going to sync lying there like that." Misato said as she caught her breath.

"Yeah demoness, can't you keep up with Shinji here, or has he already wore you out!" Toji shouted.

Asuka got up, embarrassed as she might be, her pride wouldn't let her quit.

She's gonna do it again! This is better than I ever thought it could be!

"You okay Asuka?"

"Shut up Shinji!"

Misato hit the play button again. The music started again. Asuka fell again. This time though Asuka was in the middle of a flip when she landed on her hands, which promptly slipped out from under her making her land on her back then slide off the sync pad and crash into the wall behind her.

"You know the French have a bad enough rep as it is Asuka, now your going to single handedly get them labeled as clumsy too." Kensuke said after a minute long fit of laughter.

Everyone laughed even harder after Kensuke's comment.

Time to amend the plan.

"Asuka, did you wash up after dinner?" Shinji asked looking genuinely curious.

"Of course I did!"

"It looks like your hands are glistening, and your hair looks oily too, maybe you should go wash up while I wipe your mat off, because it looks like your hair got some oil on the mat too."

Asuka reaches up to grab her hair, and runs her hands through it, sure enough, her hair feels a little oily. She looked down at her hands and pad, they seemed to be glistening too.

Shinji watched as Hikari got up and walked over to Asuka.

This is going to be great!

"Hear let me see." Asuka tried to pull away as Hikari reached to her hair, but alas she was too slow.

"Ewww! It is oily….." Hikari said while scrunching up her nose.

"…..and you smell a little too."

Asuka looked between everyone there, they were all laughing at her. They were not supposed to be laughing at her, she was better than all of them.

Shinji swore he saw a tear in her eye as she pushed her way through he and Hikari to get to the bathroom.

Maybe I took it a little too far. Nahh! This is good for her, builds character.

From out of nowhere Rei spoke up.

"I believe I have misinformed the commander of your situation. He will have to be informed of this new information."

What?!

"What?!"

"He will be pleased to know you pleasure yourself in the bathroom."

Shinji fell straight back at that, everyone else laughed like hell.

Rei has violated the doctrine now, well not really violated but I feel the need to retaliate anyway.

Maybe I'm going a little overboard on this "not taking anymore shit thing".

Nah.

AN: Thanks for reviews. Those of you who love Asuka dearly don't distress, she may become the center of Shinji's affections before long. Notice, I inserted scene breakers this time, still trying to figure this stuff out ya know. If you wanna see this go anywhere, or anykind of pranks happen just e-mail me and I'll see if I can fit it in. Oh! And let me know if there are any mistakes because I don't have a pre-reader thingy. Untill next time.