One Piece Fan Fiction ❯ Zoro meets Mr. Hankey ❯ Chapter 1

Mr. Hankey Meets Zoro

 

After many long months in the Grand Line, it was a time unlike any other time. It was a holiday.

 

You're probably wondering why there would be a holiday in One Piece seeing as Oda never intended for the series to have real life holidays. Heck, I don't think they have Christmas in this world.

 

Still, there was a very logical explanation. It was a holiday that Luffy had made up.

 

He had ordered his crew to hold a special holiday every year on December 31 in which each Straw Hat would go out and get a present for each and every crew member. He decided to call it Present Day.

 

What? Luffy's not good with naming.

 

The crew decided to stop on an island in which everyone unboarded and bought a present for each of their nakama. Since Nami wanted a nice gift, her present to everyone was present money.

 

Everyone thought about each crew member when they picked out their gifts. Sanji was busy at it all day.

 

He bought a beautiful expensive outfit for Nami, napalm for Usopp, a human disguise for Chopper, a big romance novel for Robin, and a big slab of meat that he would later cook into a big feast for Luffy. He even thought about Zoro and bought him a nice bottle of grog.

 

Of course, if Luffy hadn't invented this holiday, Sanji would have never even cared about Zoro. Heck, he'd have only bought stuff for Robin and Nami if that was the case. But, what the captain said had to be done. Every crew member had to think about everyone but themselves.

 

Sanji whistled a happy tune as he thought about what Nami would have bought him. He hoped that she had decided to give him a kiss for Present Day. Then he suddenly sunk as he remembered that the money was the gift. With that, he went to one last store and bought some mistletoe.

 

Zoro was just happy to have money for the gifts. He figured that the least he could do was use it for a good cause seeing as he'd receive six gifts for Present Day for free anyway.

 

He bought a piece of meat for Luffy and he it put in a paper bag to save wrapping time.

 

After that, he surprisingly won a contest and received money to give to Nami.

 

He bought Usopp a new work hammer, Chopper a Yo-Yo to pass the time and Robin an encyclopedia.

 

Wait… where was Sanji's gift? Apparently, Zoro was still his old self. The last thing he wanted was for that crap chef to be happy, so he ignored every store with something the chef would have loved, even the one with a female doll that said `I love you' if you pull the string.

 

The seven returned from their shopping spree with lots of gifts for the crew. They all came on at different times and snuck into any area they could find and hid their presents.

 

As everyone went to sleep, Zoro was the first to close his eyes. He had a dream about the look on Sanji's face when he was the only one without a gift. It didn't matter to him. In his mind, Sanji probably didn't buy him a present he would like anyway.

 

As he snored really loud, a strange little being entered his room. The peanut-shaped being went right up to the swordsman's ear and shouted, “HOWDY-HO!”

 

Zoro rolled over to his side and muttered, “Shut up, Luffy, I'm trying to sleep.”

 

The being realized that his current approach was useless, so he went right up to Zoro's mouth, waited for the man to open it and jumped right into it.

 

As Zoro closed his mouth to let the air he had consumed with his last snore out, he noticed that something was plugging up his mouth. In fact, this something tasted quite peculiar. It tasted like… no, it couldn't be.

 

“SHIT!” was what he shouted as he spit out what tasted like poop and gagged.

 

He looked down to see that he was right. This being was a piece of crap, and to make things weirder, it had eyes, gloves and a Santa cap.

 

Zoro blinked and asked, “Are you for real? I must be dreaming. This must be some kind of joke set by Luffy.”

 

The piece of poo laughed and said, “Gosh, I'm not a joke. I'll tell you a joke. What do you get when you cross Santa Clause with Barney the Dinosaur? Can't get it? You get the history's greatest monster!”

 

The piece of talking poo laughed as Zoro held his sword out in front of it and spat, “I'm not afraid to get poop on my sword! Now who are you?”

 

The piece of poo summoned up a group of kids and said, “Let's tell him who I am, guys!”

 

“YAY!” cheered the kids.

 

They all took a deep breath as the kids opened their mouths and sang, “He's Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, I love you. Therefore vicariously he loves you, even if you're evil!”

 

One kids went up and said, “Sometimes he's nutty sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish brown.”

 

“M-hm,” the kids concurred.

 

“But if you eat fiber on Present Eve, he might come to your town.”

 

The kids banned together and sang, “Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, I love you. Therefore vicariously he loves you.”

 

“I can make a Mr. Hankey too!”

 

The kid who said that last statement pointed out his butt as the piece of poo, Mr. Hankey, jumped out of it and sang, “I'm Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, seasons greetings to all of you. Let's sing songs and dance and play now before I melt away. Here's a game I like to play, stick me in your mouth and try to say-“

 

“HOLD IT! STOP EVERYTHING!” Zoro spat, “Telling me your name is enough! I do not want to see you jump into people's mouths! That's just disturbing and sick!”

 

Zoro calmed down as the kids fled in horror and jumped into the ocean only to be captured by the marines for being seen on a pirate ship. The marines shrugged and let the pirates sleep in peace.

 

Zoro slapped his forehead and said, “You are really weird. As if talking poo wasn't enough, that song just made me sick to my stomach. Now, why are you here?”

 

Mr. Hankey grinned and said, “I've come to cleanse your soul of all your hatred.”

 

“Nani?” remarked the swordsman.

 

“You heard me. You have to learn to be nicer to everyone in your crew,” explained the poo, “See, I'm well aware that you didn't think about Sanji when buying presents, and that's wrong. See, in my world, we have a holiday just like this, and during that time of year, we forget our differences and even give presents to our enemies or rivals.”

 

Zoro scoffed and spat, “I don't see why I should give anything to Sanji.”

 

Mr. Hankey gasped and said, “That speech usually always works. All right, think about this: Sanji bought you a present even though he didn't want to! You owe it to him to do the same!”

 

He noticed no change in the swordsman's expression and snapped, “Do it or I'll sit in your mouth!”

 

Zoro, completely horrorstruck at the sound of that ran off of the ship and headed into town. He noticed that one store with something he'd like was still open. Sadly, it was the one with the female doll that said `I love you' when you pull the string. It was expensive, but Zoro did not want a piece of crap in his mouth.

 

The next day, everyone opened his/her presents. Nami received an expensive suit from everyone except Zoro, who she gave a big hug for the money. Sanji attempted the mistletoe scam but got slapped in the face for trying.

 

Luffy received a piece of meant from everyone except Usopp, who gave him a vegetable. Luffy threw it at Usopp and said, “You can have it.” Luffy even liked the miserable excuse for meat that Zoro had bought him, which was probably rotten by now, but didn't affect Luffy because he was immune to food poisoning.

 

Usopp received napalm for his exploding stars, a work hammer, an improved Sogeking costume, a special slingshot from Chopper and a book on hunting from Robin.

 

Chopper received a new hat from Luffy, a human disguise from Sanji, a facemask from Usopp, a medical book of herbs from Robin and a yo-yo, which he started playing with right away.

 

Robin basically received a different kind of book from everyone. She didn't mind. She loved reading.

 

Sanji received a piece of meat from Luffy labeled `Cook and feed to me', a frying pan from Usopp and Chopper, a cook book from Robin, which he will cherish forever and, he was surprised to received a doll that said `I love you' from Zoro.

 

He stared and said, “I will cherish this forever. I love women who admit their love to me! I never thought you'd buy me something.”

 

Zoro sighed and explained, “Let's say I was visited last night by a piece of shit.”

 

“You mean Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo?” Luffy retorted, “He visited me last night and told me to buy something for Sanji that would benefit me.”

 

Sanji glared at a small piece of poo right next to him and spat, “You traitor! You're the one who told me to buy him meat like everyone else!”

 

With that, he stepped on Mr. Hankey and threw him into the toilet where the poor poo was flushed into wherever the ship toilet went… the incinerator. Luckily, he warped back to his world, so it was okay.

 

Anyway, Zoro opened his gifts and noticed that Sanji had bought him grog. He shook the cook's hand and said, “I guess there are times when your presence is tolerable.”