Other Fan Fiction ❯ City Slickers ❯ Chapter 1

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

[MAIN THEME]
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

(MIKE is standing in the usual spot, CROW to the left of him and TOM to the right of him.)

MIKE: Hi, folks, and welcome to the Satellite of-(BRIDGE begins shaking) Whoa!

MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket # 9!!

[SPACE]

(A white building with a giant hamburger on its roof is playing loud rock and roll music, on the front of the building are the words: GOOD BURGER)

(Back on the SATELLITE, the HEXFIELD opens to reveal a black teenage boy with dreadlocks wearing a white fast-food uniform with light blue stripes on it. On the front of his outfit is a nametag with the name ED.)

ED: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, How may I take your order?

(MIKE and the BOTS look confused)

TOM: Uh, I’ll have a hamburger with nothing on it, please.

ED: Okay. (Yells behind him) Hey, this satellite just wants a plain burger!!

(Murmurs of “okay” can be heard)

(On the Satellite, a tube comes out of the ceiling and deposits a small blue Styrofoam box. MIKE lifts open the lid and TOM looks inside it.)

TOM: Hey, this is just two hamburger buns!!

ED: Dude, you asked for a burger with nothing on it! A meat patty is something!

TOM: But, but I…

(ED’s back is to the camera.) ED: Look! (Turns around and now has two grapes up his nose.) I’m Grape-Nose Boy! BLOOPITY, BLOOPITY, BLOOPITY, BLOOPITY...(this continues for a very long time)

(The yellow light on the console begins blinking, MIKE rolls his eyes)

MIKE(amidst the BLOOPITIES): We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL SIGN, the BLOOPITIES continue until fade out.)

(Back on the SATELLITE OF LOVE, MIKE and the BOTS are sharing a rather
large copy of War and Peace which they are trying to read while ignoring the BLOOPITIES. The red light begins blinking, MIKE hits it.)

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

(PEARL is sitting in a rocking chair, while BOBO and OBSERVER are unpacking boxes.)

PEARL: Why, hello there, Nelson. Life’s been hectic since we got back to my old home. What with the unpacking, the adjusting, the dumping of boiling oil on the welcoming neighbors... (sigh), I just don’t have time for it all! So, anyway, how are you, space-traveling captives?

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

MIKE: Well, actually-(gets drowned out by ED’s BLOOPITIES)

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

(OBSERVER stops unpacking boxes)

OBSERVER: Good heavens!! What in the world is that…that...thing?

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

(Amidst the BLOOPITIES)

CROW: That’s Ed. He’s the cashier at Good Burger.

TOM: Can you do something about him? He’s really annoying.

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

PEARL: Now, now, boys, don’t you worry. I’ll send him on his way with motherly love. (turns and glares at camera with the Evil Eye.) SHUT!!!!! UP!!!!

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

(ED stops his BLOOPITIES, a look of surprise on his face)

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

PEARL: Listen here, Eddie, you better watch your butt and not come around here again, or else I’ll have Whitey here send you to another dimension!!

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

ED: Okay. (Turns around with his head over his shoulder, trying to look at his own butt.)

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

PEARL: You know what, forget the warning. Brain Guy?

OBSERVER: As you wish, Madam.

(OBSERVER brain sound)

(ED and the GOOD BURGER disappear with a pop, and the HEXFIELD closes)

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

CROW: Wow, I kinda don’t want to admit it, but I’m really happy you saved us!

MIKE: Yeah, thanks Mrs. Forrester! So, what’s this week’s movie?

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

PEARL: Oh, right, the movie! Uh, you see in all this week’s crazyness, I didn’t have time to find you guys a movie! So- (There is a loud crash offscreen) Bobo, what you doing!?

(BOBO is carrying a very large maroon box.)

BOBO: Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Look what I found! The complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes strips!!

(BOBO takes the books out of the box.)

BOBO: Why, there also seems to be a bunch of papers in this box! (BOBO examines the papers.) Hmm…this seems to be some kind of story-

PEARL: Gimmie that! (Snatches papers away and reads over them) Mike, your experiment this week will be a conflictless wonder of a Calvin and Hobbes fanfic called City Slickers. Prepare for pain! Brain Guy?

(Observer brain sound)

[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

(MOVIE SIGN, the usual pandemonium.)

ALL: WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGNNNN!!

[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[ENTER THEATER]

>CITY SLICKERS

TOM: Does this mean that Billy Crystal and Daniel Stern are going to make a cameo appearance?

>BY WOLF OF SILVER DAWN
>Disclaimer: I do not own Calvin, Hobbes, or any other characters, settings, or lines
>Disclaimer: I do not own Calvin, Hobbes, or any other characters, settings, or lines. I do, however, own this storyline, plot, and idea.

TOM: A disclaimer so nice, she said it twice!

>Chapter One: Packing

BOTS: PACKING!! WOOOOOO!!!

MIKE: Um, guys? That’s Packers, not Packing.

BOTS: Oh.

>Calvin walked to his room, grumbling, for the 37th time that day.

MIKE(Calvin): Stupid feet, making me walk to my room for no real reason. You’d think they’d learn their lesson after 37 times but nooo...

>He had tried everything to get out of cleaning his room, but now he was >being locked in his room until he finished doing the evil job.

CROW(Mom): You will perform those Satanic rituals, young man!

>He pushed open the door and said in a dull voice, “Hobbes”?

MIKE(Calvin,dull): Mom is evil. We have to escape or else we will face punishment. Oh no. Here she comes now.

>The tiger looked up from the comic book he was holding. “38th time lucky, you think”?

TOM(auctioneer): Hey, I got number 38 right here. Number 38,38th time lucky, 38 right here, going fast, going...

(MIKE hits him)

TOM: Thanks, I needed that.

>Calvin shook his head. “We’re doomed, Hobbes.”

CROW: Doomed, I tells ya!! DOOOOOOOOMED!!

>The tiger sighed. “I can’t believe the amoeba thing didn’t work. You
>were so slow, even I didn’t notice you. And so quiet.”

MIKE(Hobbes): And so good at reproducing asexually too.

>”Where’s that ol’ Enhance-o-Tron we made last year?” asked Calvin as he
>began searching through his closet. “We need to put on our thinking >caps.”

ALL(singing a song from some kid’s show, which of the life of me I can’t remember the name of): o/Noodle, Use your Noodle, Noodle, Use your Noodle Dance!o/

>”Hey, there’s a good idea,” said Hobbes, and began to help Calvin dig.

ALL: Aah!
TOM: Dig for what!?

>Finally they pulled it out.

TOM(sobbing): What!? What did they pull out!?
(MIKE pats him)

>Everything was still attached, even the colander was still there.

TOM: Even the skeleton of Tommy Chestnut was still buried under the box!
MIKE: Feeling dark today, Tom?
TOM: Just a little.


>Hobbes began to connect and re-connect the wires to get a better brain->wave of ideas into Calvin’s head.

CROW: Oh THAT makes sen-Huh?

>”Ready”? asked Calvin. “Ready,” replied Hobbes, and he set the colander >over Calvin’s head.

MIKE(Calvin): No, wait. All of a sudden I’m not sure about thi-aah!

>Click—ZAP

CROW: Unfortunately, their little invention resulted in power failure for the entire community!

>Calvin took off the colander and felt his now over-large

MIKE: Not a word, Crow.

>head

CROW:Oh.

>”It worked! It worked!” he cheered. “Quick, think of something,” said >Hobbes excitedly.

MIKE(Calvin): Do chickens sing?
TOM(same): How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
CROW(same): Can spiders dance?

>”I am working my now-powerful brain to our problem.....I got it!” >“What?! What?!” yelped Hobbes.

CROW(Calvin): If both of us work together at cleaning my room, we can get the job done faster and we won’t have to face the wrath of our parents!
TOM(Hobbes): What?
CROW(Calvin): Err..I mean, we’ll think of some crazy, impossible, scheme! Yeah, of COURSE that’s what I meant...

>Calvin pointed to his bed sheets, backpacks, and the bathroom in the >room next over.

TOM(Hobbes, as Calvin is pointing): Uhh..It’s time for bed? No wait, wait, It’s time for school? No, I got it! You have to go the bathroom really bad? Is that it?

>”We run away!” he said proudly.

CROW( as gameshow host): Ennh! Oh, I’m sorry Hobbes, but the correct answer was “It’s time to run away”. You won’t get the chance to be cut from the fanfic, but at least you walk away with a free consolation prize!


>”Oooh, yes! That’ll be lots of fun!” said Hobbes. “Ok, first we both >have to pack. I’ll pack my stuff, and you pack your stuff,” Calvin >instructed.

MIKE: You won’t want to miss a minute of the JAW-DROPPING packing stuff scene!!


>”Should I bring the nightlight?” asked Hobbes as he scoured the room.
>?Hmm....yes. Wherever we’re going has to have electricity,” said Calvin,
>shoving the nightlight in his backpack. “Just where are we going?”

CROW: How about Treasure Beach, Jamaica? Lots of electricity there!!

>Calvin stopped, thought for a moment, and then said thoughtfully, “We >tried the Yukon and that didn’t work, that’s too far up. It would take >us months to walk there on foot, and anyway, we had only packed a few
>sandwiches. That is the one time I admit I was stupid.”

TOM: Yeah,right. Calvin actually admitting a time that he was stupid would be like Marissa admitting that she’s an egotist.
CROW: Does this mean that we will get to see Calvin captain the starship Enterprize?

>Hobbes rolled his eyes, then offered a few suggestions. How about
>Africa?? Don’t be stupid, we’d have to sneak on a plane,” said Calvin

TOM:And of course, in this day and age of high airport security, you know how easy that would be!

>as he packed his toothbrush and toothpaste. “Canada?” >”That would take

CROW: Mike, has this person even seen “The Final Sacrifice?”
MIKE: For the sake of Rowsdower, I hope that she never has.

>months as well. We should have put you in the Enhance-o-Tron.”
>Hobbes rolled his eyes again, and said his final suggestion: “The city?” >Calvin paused, then a smile split his face.

TOM:Causing the pieces of his face to fall on to the carpet in a bloody mess.

>”Exactly! Exactly, Hobbes! You’re a genius!” He paused again, then a >frown replaced the smile and he said, “But there’s still stuff >downstairs that’s ours, and we need to pack food.”
>”Use your powerful brain,” suggested Hobbes.

(Observer brain sound)
MIKE: How did we do that?
CROW: I don’t know.

>”Good idea.”
>Calvin thought for another moment, then snapped his fingers and said, >”We yell that we cleaned my room, then we run out and lock her in the >room!!”

TOM(Hobbes): Hahahaha!!...Oh, wait, you’re serious.

>”Wonderful! Wonderful!” exclaimed Hobbes.
>”Ok, here goes: MOM!! HOBBES AND I CLEANED MY ROOM!!” Soon they heard >her coming up the steps and saying, “That’s great, honey. I’ll let you >out now.” No sooner then the lock clicked, Calvin tore out,

CROW: Calvin went so fast that he caused a hole in the space-time continuum and everyone died. The end.

>pushed his mom in, and locked the door just as Hobbes scampered out.

MIKE: So, apparently, in this story, Calvin’s mom is too stupid to even know what’s going on.
TOM: She must be on mood medication or something.

>”Great work, Hobbes ol’ buddy!”
>They went downstairs to pack.
>As Hobbes collected their favorite toys and comic books they left downstairs,

TOM(sarcastic): Yes, because nothing’s more essential for survival than toys and comic books.

>Calvin made a few dozen sandwiches and he packed six bowls of cereal.

MIKE: That suitcase’s gonna smell like old milk for the next few months.

>He then poured milk and juice into a few dozen cups, and capped them.

TOM: Y’know, I don’t think shooting cups is going to solve your problems.

>He grabbed all the cookies and bagged them,

CROW: Calvin: Genius, Inventor, Cookie killer!!
MIKE(announcer): This fall on NBC!!

>got a few ice packs, then retrieved the two lunch boxes on the top of >the fridge and packed them with food and one ice pack each.

CROW: Mmm!! I just love the taste of a nice, cold icepack!! Yummers!!

>They could both hear Calvin’s mom screaming, but they didn’t pay >attention, for she was locked up and they were safe.

TOM: In this story, Calvin’s mom has the IQ of any adult in a MarrisaFic.

>They checked around one more time, Calvin wishing they could bring the >TV, and then went to the bathroom for a final time. Finally they went >outside to grab those items.

MIKE: The TV and the bathroom were outside??

>Hobbes got the toboggan and Calvin pulled up the wagon. They dropped >their packs on them and Calvin attached a rope to the toboggan so that >Hobbes could pull it. They grabbed the rope and the handle and set off: >to the city!

CROW: And so, a dull adventure begins.

>Chapter 2: On the Run

MIKE: At Esso!!
(BOTS stare at MIKE)
MIKE: What?

>Entrance: A few days after the two ran off, Calvin’s mom called the >police.

TOM(Fuming): A few DAYS!?!!? It took Calvin’s mom a few DAYS to get out of that room and call the police?!? And for that matter, what the HELL happened to DAD??

CROW: Calm down, think happy thoughts...

>That was bad news for the runaways, and they tore off across the >suburbs, clearing them in three days.

CROW: They must’ve gotten the Flash to help them out.

>Now they have entered the outer city.....
>Calvin slumped, panting, on a log. “Is it lunchtime yet?” he moaned.
>Hobbes peeked into the backpack and then at his watch, and winced. >”We’re going to have to ration our food to less,” he said unhappily. >”We’re almost out of food.”

MIKE: Finally, there’s some CONFLICT in this story.

>They were already painfully thin, and they sighed to think of even less >food.

TOM: PAINFULLY THIN!? Last time I checked, Calvin and Hobbes had plenty of food, and they had been gone for only few days! When did this happen?

>Then Calvin remembered that he had packed a bunch of money in the
>briefcase. “Can you hand me the suitcase?”

CROW(Calvin): D’oh!! I forgot to tell you about my new invention, Hobbes. I call it the Plot Contrivance Suitcase!!

>Once he had it, Calvin dug out a pile of 50, 20, 10, 5, and 1 dollar >bills. “Now we can buy food,” he said with a smile.

MIKE(Church Lady): Isn’t that conveeieent??

>Hobbes cheered. “Woo-hoo!!”

TOM: The part of Hobbes will now be played by Homer Simpson.

>Calvin set off to the nearest food store, leaving Hobbes to guard their
>things. No doubt he would take a short nap.

TOM: But, how is Hobbes supposed to be guarding their things if he takes nap??
CROW: Hobbes can see what’s going on around him when he sleeps.

>The nearest food store was a restaurant: Wendy’s to be exact.

MIKE: Wendy’s-The choice of runaways everywhere!!

>Calvin licked his lips and headed inside. He walked up to the front and >said, “What can I buy with...hmmm....20 dollars?”

TOM (cashier): A milkshake and a handful of moldy old French fries, brat. Now get out!!

`>The person at the front was pleased that the kid wanted so much.

CROW(cashier): Now I can finally get back at my good-for-nothing husband who ran off with that pole-greasing snake!!

>”Well, a lot of things,” she replied. “What would you like?”
>Calvin squinted at the menu and decided on six small hamburgers, six >salads, and six root beers.

MIKE: 666? That must mean one thing...Calvin is Satan!! AAAH!!
TOM: Well, it would make sense, Mike. How else could he afford all those things on a $20 budget??

>He handed over the cash and the woman asked, “For here or to go?” “To >go,” answered Calvin. When the food was made, Calvin, with his arms full >of paper bags, left.

TOM(overly sarcastic): Nooo,really?!? I thought that Calvin just danced a jig inside the restaurant.

>He got to Hobbes, who was in an empty shed, just around lunchtime.

CROW: I’m confused, did Calvin get back to Hobbes just around lunchtime, or was Hobbes in an empty shed just around lunchtime?
MIKE: Yes.

>”Yum! I was getting tired of cereal and sandwiches for food and milk and >juice for drinks every day” said Hobbes with a mouthful of hamburger.

CROW: Healthy eating, who needs it!!

>Calvin picked a strawberry out of one of the salads and tossed it into >his mouth. “Yes, isn’t it nice? Have some salad, Hobbes.”

TOM: Why is Calvin encouraging Hobbes to eat leafy green vegetables?? Calvin doesn’t even like vegetables.
MIKE: Maybe they’re trying to build up their strength in case they ever run into danger??
CROW: In this story?? Naah!!

>At night they had a meal of sandwiches and milk, just to use their older >food up.

TOM(sarcastic): Yes, because there will never be a time where they will have to save food.
MIKE: That’s the last one, Tom.

>The next morning they were on their way again, after a rather hurried >breakfast of cereal and milk. Calvin was looking at the map of Moberly, >Missouri he had packed.

CROW(Calvin): The hell? I thought we lived in Ohio.

>”So it looks like we’re, I dunno, coming near the middle. So we’re in >these trees here;” he pointed at the small clump,

MIKE: I didn’t know maps had that much detail.
TOM: Knowing this story, Calvin probably brought a laptop along with him.

>”and over there is a police station, and that’s a donut shop over there, >and then a fresh seafood store—“ “Seafood?! Lemme see.”

TOM: Wow! Maybe we can get some Hertz Doughnuts later!!

>Hobbes scrambled to look. “Come on, let’s go! Let’s go!” he said >excitedly, tugging on Calvin’s shirt.

CROW( overexcited kid): I wanna go to the Circus and see the tigers, and elephants, and bears, and lions and,and,and..


>”Get off, fleabag. We can go there, but first I wanna see if the police >are looking for us. Come on.”

MIKE: Um, Calvin, wouldn’t the police be the LAST people you would want to look for??
TOM: He’s probably trying to see how fast he can outsmart them.

>They walked through the tiny woods, and came out about 15 minutes later >at the police station. A man was standing out at the front, eating a >powdered sugar donut.

CROW: THRILL as the story reinforces stereotypes!!

>Calvin and Hobbes watched him for a few minutes, then Calvin said, “Take >the stuff back into the woods. I’m gonna check this out.”

TOM(Calvin): We can’t let anyone know about our stash. I’m gonna see if the cops are watching the city line. Wait for the signal.

>Hobbes grabbed the sled and the toboggan, each with heavy backpacks and >suitcases on it, and lugged them off.


MIKE: Hobbes: Tiger, Sidekick, Champion Weightlifter!!
CROW: Now on CBS!!


>Calvin nimbly avoided the policeman’s vision, and crept to the back of >the station. There he snuck inside a back door some one had casually >left open.

CROW: We’ve secretly switched the door with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices.

>”You’d think they live in here!” muttered Calvin. He heard a few people >talking not very far away and froze in his tracks. He turned around, >looking for something to hide in.

TOM: Disguise Power! Turn me into a high ranking police officer!!

>The clothes were hot, heavy, and Calvin was squashed in there too tight, >but it covered him up. The policemen walked by without even glancing at >where he was hiding.

CROW: Ever since the police started hiring midgets, nobody seemed to pay any attention to a six year old in adult’s clothing.

>Calvin’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates when he heard what the >policemen were saying.

TOM(Calvin): I knew that I shouldn’t have drunken from that flask that dad kept in the basement.

>“So have you had any luck with finding the runaway kid?” “Nope. This >kid’s fast and sneaky. We’re gonna have to double our search.”

MIKE(Police Officer): ‘Course I said the exact same thing that time a duck took my badge.

>Calvin was speechless. As soon as the voices faded into the distance, he >jumped out of the clothes and ran out. He zipped back to where Hobbes >had hidden in a matter of seconds.

TOM: Transmogfier guns, aren’t they great?
CROW: Yes, they can turn you into a light particle so you can zip back to where you were in a blink of an eye!

>”We’ve gotta keep moving, Hobbes!” Calvin moaned, tugging at his >friend’s arm.

ALL(singing): o/ Ain’t nothing gonna break up my stride, ain’t nothing gonna slow me down, oh no, I’ve got to keep on moving. \o

>They grabbed their things and ran off, creeping behind buildings and >such. When they came to the donut store that was right next to the >seafood store, they stopped. Calvin turned, and found another abandoned >shed.

CROW:( Church Lady): Isn’t that conveeient?
TOM: I’m secretly hoping that a chainsaw wielding maniac lives in that shed.

>”Put the stuff in here,” he said, “and I’ll go get us donuts.”
>”Can we have a snack first ?” asked Hobbes, peeking his head in one of the backpacks.
>”Sure,” said Calvin. They ate the last two sandwiches and the last two >milk bottles.

MIKE: Great, now I feel like I’m in my High School cafeteria. According to the kitchen staff there, plastic counts as a source of protein.

>Once they were done, Hobbes settled down on a bench to read a comic >book, and Calvin gathered up 30 dollars.
>Calvin walked into the store and looked at the donuts on display.
>”What can I get for you, young man?” asked the person at the front.

CROW(cashier): Look, kid, just buy something and get out, okay? I just got away from my nagging boozehound wife and I’m in no mood to talk.

>”One of each, please, except for the ones with nuts.”

CROW(Butthead):Huhhuhhuh,Calvin said nuts, huhhuhuh.

>”Ok. For here or to go?” asked the person, already grabbing donuts and >putting them into a plastic bag.
>”To go,” said Calvin, who’s eyes were widening by the second.

MIKE: Woah, guess the drugs must’ve kicked in.

>After the last donut had been packed, the person said, “25 dollars and >35 cents.”

TOM: Wow! It’s amazing that a six year old like Calvin knew how much all those doughnuts cost before he even went into the store!

>Calvin handed over the money, got the change, and headed out.

MIKE: NO ONE will be seated during the TENSE paying for doughnuts scene!!

>When he got back Hobbes had just started on another comic book.
>”I’m gonna go and get seafood now. What do you want?”
>”Canned tuna,” said Hobbes, “and anything else that doesn’t have to be >cooked.”
>”Alrighty,” said Calvin.

CROW(as Jim Carrey): Alrighty, then!

>He bought the seafood and went back to Hobbes.

TOM: What? That’s it? No thrilling conversation with the cashier?? What a rip!

>”It’s getting dark,” he said, looking at the sky. “Let’s stay here for >the night.”

MIKE(Calvin): We can sleep in the RV I brought along!

>The next morning they were off again after a breakfast of the last of >the cereal and juice.
>Soon they found themselves in a great big forest, nothing like the city.

CROW: So, apparently, this part of the city is surrounded by forest and more forest.
TOM: Yup, pretty much.

>They pushed on exasperatedly, occasionally stopping for a bite to eat or >some rest.
>It got dark again, and Calvin said, “I don’t want to spend the night >here.”
>I don’t either,” said Hobbes darkly, “but we might have to.”
>”But there could be wolves in here,” said Calvin shakily as he whipped >his head around.

ALL:(make whip noises)

>And so they walked long into the night.
>A blinding light burnt into Calvin’s eyes.

TOM(Calvin): AUUGGGGGGH!!!!!! MY RETINAS!!!!!!!

>He blinked. “Wuzzgoinon?”
>Hobbes grinned. “You fell asleep.”
>”But what was that light?” asked Calvin sleepily.

MIKE(Hobbes): Oh, we just got viciously mauled by some wolves a while back and now we’re dead. Thought you ought to know.

>Hobbes grinned even wider. ”Take a look.”
>The tiger moved away from the bush and Calvin gasped at what he saw. >Tall skyscrapers with lights beaming out in all directions. Streets that >looked so low compared to the giant apartment and work buildings.

CROW: I sense that a musical number’s about to begin.

>”This it it,” said Calvin breathlessly. “The city.”

(MIKE picks up TOM)

[EXIT THEATER, DOOR SEQUENCE]

[SATTILITE OF LOVE]

(TOM and CROW are looking through a phone book. MIKE enters stage right)

TOM: Oh, hi Mike. We just came up with a great idea!

CROW: Yeah. You know in today’s fanfic how Calvin and Hobbes have run away and the police are trying to find them??

MIKE: What about it?

TOM: Well, seeing as we know about their whereabouts, we figured that it would be best to let the most important people know about it!!

MIKE: So, you’re calling the police??

CROW: No, we’re calling Calvin’s parents!! Geez, you thought we’d call the most inept police force in the world?!

TOM: I found their phone number!

CROW: Great!

(HEXFIELD opens to reveal Calvin’s mom, played by Bridget Jones, sitting on a couch.)

MOM(who looks and speaks as if she’s not all there): Hello, can I help you??

MIKE: Uh, hi, my name is Mike Nelson and these are my friends Crow and Tom. We just called you to let you know that we found out where your son has run off to.

MOM: Calvin?? Run off?? You must be mistaken. Calvin’s been in the house all the time these past few days. Here, I’ll show you. (goes offscreen for a second, and returns carrying something that although vaguely resembles Calvin, is not him.)

(The thing in question has a bucket for a body, TinkerToys for arms and legs, a tin can for a head, and the top part of a broom for hair. “Calvin”, of course is dressed in his usual clothing, with a sign taped to the front of his shirt. Scrawled in childish handwriting are the words, MOM IM CALVIN. PLEAS DONUT CALL THE POLISE.)

(MIKE and bots look more than a little uncomfortable.)

MIKE: Uh, so, uh, anyway, do you know if Calvin’s dad is around at all??

MOM: He called to say he was on his way home a few days ago.

(CUTAWAY to find a highway with bumper-to-bumper traffic on both sides of it. Pan out to reveal that the traffic jam continues further and further back. In short, the world’s longest traffic jam. In a purple car, we find Calvin’s dad who is played by Paul Chaplin. Because of the traffic jam, Dad looks like someone who has just spent the past 72 hours in a car.)

DAD(in a happy tone of voice): I’m tired, hungry and haven’t shaved in days, but who cares! Traffic jams build character!!


(END CUTAWAY)

TOM: Uh, I think we’d better go. Thanks for your time, Calvin’s mom!!

(HEXFIELD closes)

CROW: You know, Mike, I think we learned something from all of this.

TOM: Yeah! If we find a missing person’s whereabouts, we’ll just call the police!!

CROW: Even if they can’t stop a duck from stealing their badge.

MIKE: Uh, Crow? That actually never happened in this story.

(MOVIE SIGN, the usual pandemonium)

ALL: WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGNNNNN!!!!!

[DOOR SEQUENCE]

[ENTER THEATER]

>Chapter Three: Living Nocturnal

TOM: The biography of a raccoon.

>Calvin was speechless. For three minutes he just stood there, his mouth >opening and closing silently.

CROW: Now playing Calvin; Somebody’s pet goldfish.

>Hobbes pushed him into the wet grass face first.
>”Come on!” he yelled. “Last one there is a rotten egg!”

MIKE: Speaking of rotten, what happened to all those hamburgers and salads that Calvin brought? They’re probably pretty moldy by now.
CROW: Whatever Calvin and Hobbes didn’t eat was probably packed into a self freezing refrigerator that Calvin brought along.

>Calvin picked himself up and said to the rampaging tiger, “Hold it, you >psychopath. We have to bring all out stuff down.”
>The two dragged the stuff to the first alleyway they saw.

TOM: Immediately, Calvin and Hobbes were killed and everything that they had was stolen.
CROW: But then, Calvin became a ghost and used his newfound ghost powers to kill every bad person in the world!!

>As Hobbes dragged it into an abandoned building, Calvin stood guard. >”Well?” he said, “we can’t relax here, Hobbes.”
>”Why?” “Because all the gamblers who’ve lost all their money and thieves >live in here. We need to find ourselves a home.”
>Hobbes’ eyes were on a small pack on one of the backpacks. He dug in it >and found a hairclip. “Can’t you unlock doors with these?? he asked as >he peered at it.
>Calvin fainted.

TOM(Calvin): Hobbes is secretly a woman!!

>”Huh” muttered Hobbes. “If he wants to be a professional football >player, he should probably get rid of that little un-habit of his.”
>Hobbes shook him and waved the hairclip in his face. “Do you know what >this means?”

CROW: We can go into bars and-mmf!!
(MIKE grabs CROW’s beak)
MIKE: Absolutely not.

>”We can sneak and take food from people!” Just as he said it, Hobbes >felt bad. Calvin patted him.
>”Don’t worry, old buddy. We’ve still got some food left, so as long as >we ration our food better and only steal a little, we’ll be ok.” Hobbes >nodded.
>The building they were in at the moment had three floors. The two >dragged their stuff up the elevator (which still worked)

TOM: Unfortunately, once they got on the elevator, the cables snapped and Calvin and Hobbes plunged to their horrific death.

>and dumped them in a smallish room. “It’s not the best, but it’ll have >to do” said Hobbes as he drew his finger in little squiggly lines >through the dust on the floor.

MIKE(Hobbes): Here is Mrs. Dusty. See Mrs. Dusty run. Run along Mrs.Dusty, run along...

>Calvin nodded. “I’ll take stuff tonight. You guard. Then tomorrow night >we’ll switch.”
>”What about day?” asked Hobbes, who had unsheathed his claws.

MIKE(Hobbes): Why don’t you ask Mrs. Dusty? Mrs. Dusty will know.

>”Then, we sleep.” With that Calvin grabbed the hairclip and left.
>He darted down the elevator and rushed out the door. He took off down >the street and looked around. He saw a great big steakhouse with two, >count ‘em, TWO floors.

TOM(Count): One! One bad fanfic! Two! Two bad plot devices! Three! Three bored people! Ah,ha,ha!

>He grinned and rushed over, creeping in a window. He stood by some >people who were happily chatting and ignoring huge steak meals.

MIKE Hey, its Club Anorexia!!

>He began to whisper to each of them,

TOM(whispering): I know what you did last summer.

CROW(same): Seven days...

MIKE(same, but cheerful): You are all going to die!

>”Drip drip drip splosh splosh splosh swish swish swish.” All of them >got up to go to the bathroom.
>When no one was looking, he grabbed a lot of plastic bags

TOM: Where did Calvin get those plastic bags from anyway?
CROW: Plot Contrivance Suitcase.
TOM: But, didn’t Calvin only bring a hairclip?
CROW: You dare question the author!?

>and wrapped up the un-eaten meals in the plastic. He then snatched a >tablecloth and dropped the food in. He jumped out the window. He did it.

MIKE(monotone): He then destroyed everything on earth. He then became God. We must stop him.

>Calvin found a stapler out on the street

CROW(Church Lady): Isn’t that conveeieent?
MIKE: Okay, enough.

>and he snapped the tablecloth into a good bag. He slung it over his >shoulder and ran along the street out to the houses.

TOM: You know what; I’m going to sing this part.

>He saw one that didn’t have a car at the front but the lights were out. >He looked around, and quickly crept up and unlocked the door.

TOM(Calvin,singing): DA, DA!! DA, DA!!

>He ran in and found the fanciest bath he had ever seen.

TOM(same, but very fast): DADADADADA!!

>He grabbed a flashlight and shined his way through a bath that made him >smell like lavender.

TOM(same, slowly): DA, DA,... DA, DA!!
CROW: How can one shine their way through a bath?

>Then he grabbed some more food. When he jumped out the door,


TOM(same): DUN,DUN,DUN,DUN!!!!!

>it was almost dawn. He gripped the bag tightly and sped across the city >to where he and Hobbes lived.
>Hobbes was still standing guard. Calvin said the code that they had >decided: “Whabberhobbagallamoskie.”

ALL(singing): o/I am the walrus, Goo goo g’joob.\o

>”Oh good, you’re back. What’d you get?” asked Hobbes.
>”Steak dinners, some sugary cereal, already-cooked chicken, angel food >cake, and coke.”
>”Great!” exclaimed the tiger. “Let’s eat.” They dug into two of the >steak dinners and drank up some more root beer. They ate more salad and >each had a half a donut for dessert.

TOM: Be prepared to TREMBLE at the gripping eating dinner scene!

>”Tomorrow I’m gonna get some veggies and fruits” burped Hobbes. “Why?” >mumbled Calvin who was massaging his stomach. “We came here for freedom, >and you’re making us eat veggies?”

CROW(Calvin): What about all the salads we have? What do you call those?
MIKE(Hobbes): Partially deep fried leaves served with the unhealthiest low calorie dressing ever?

>”Well” explained Hobbes, “we’re not going to last long here without >them.”
>”We need to stay healthy. Are there any veggies you like?” “Yes, I like >carrots, I can live with mashed potatoes,

TOM: But, potatoes aren’t vegetables!!

CROW: Look, so far, we’ve had Calvin remember that he had packed a bunch of money, just out of nowhere, even though we didn’t see it in the packing scene, had Calvin hide in the police station in a VERY obvious disguise and STILL manage to not get caught, and might I add, manage to break into a house AND a restaurant very silently using a very stupid distraction method to steal food and NO ONE, I mean NO ONE in that house OR that restaurant, had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on! And you still want to complain about vegetables!?!

TOM: Uh, isn’t this kind of ranting usually my thing?

CROW: The plot holes in this fanfic are causing me to break my character.

>I like cauliflower, and I think that’s it.”
>“Lovely” yawned Hobbes. “Now let’s get some sleep.” “Tomorrow, I mean >the night after tomorrow, I’m buying a burglar alarm,”

MIKE(Hobbes): Oh, why bother with that? If any burglars try to break in to our home, you could just kill them off with a machine gun that you brought along!

>murmured Calvin sleepily before he started snoring.
>The next night they were woken up at 7:00 by the alarm clock. Hobbes hit >the snooze button and shook Calvin. “C’mon, wake up.” Calvin stretched >and said, “Go get ‘em, tiger.” Hobbes saluted Calvin

TOM: With one finger.

>and jumped out of his sleeping bag, and then the room. He darted out >into the night.

CROW: Hey, look out for the-Oh,jeez, straight into the open sewer!

>He crept around and began to follow his nose to the houses.
>He found a house where the door was unlocked.

MIKE: And the house had a large banner on the front which read: “Welcome burglars! Please steal our stuff!”

>He pushed it open as silently as he could and bounded in.

TOM: CREEAK!! SNAP!! SLAM!! THUD!!

>He saw a dog sleeping near, and Hobbes was even quieter as he snuck to >the kitchen.

CROW: THUD!! CRASH!! BOOM!!

>He opened the fridge, grabbed some food, and closed it. Same with the >freezer. He took a few more ice packs and a cooler, then grabbed some >stuff from a pantry and leapt out the door. As he closed it, a loud >CREEEAAK split the air. He heard the dog barking and a human crying,

MIKE(human): You used to talk to me like that! Where did all the love go?

>“A burglar! Get it, Bob!” Hobbes scooped up the food and jumped out, >tearing across the cul-de-sac to the alleyway where he and Calvin lived.
>He called out the password, heard Calvin mutter, “Can’t talk now, >Hobbes. Immediate comic book reaction. ICBR.” He laughed,

TOM(Calvin): Oh, that Captain Steroid just mass slaughtered half the world’s population! What a riot!!

>and walked in and dumped out the food. “Check out what I got? he said. >Calvin walked over.
>“Ice cream, mashed potatoes, carrots, cauliflower, green beans, instant >oatmeal—“ “But we don’t have a microwave?” interrupted Calvin.

MIKE(Hobbes): Didn’t you bring one with you?
CROW(Calvin): Oh, right, I just suddenly remembered that!

> “I’ll settle that tomorrow. Anyway, I also have chicken nuggets, and >popsicles.” “Yumm!” Calvin licked his chops. Then Hobbes put the cooler >on the floor, put two ice packs on the bottom and dumped the ice cream, >chicken nuggets, and popsicles in.

TOM: Oh, yes, this is the fanfic that DARES to show you a cooler being filled with food!

>“Hey Calvin? he said. “Tomorrow try to get someone’s credit card.” >Calvin nodded, and grinned wickedly. “Then we’ll be spending somebody >else’s money.”

MIKE(Calvin): Identity theft is fun!!

>Hobbes nodded. “Exactly. We won’t need to spend our money, because we’ve >got somebody else’s!” “Hobbes, ol’ buddy, you’re really learning how to >survive out here. So am I. If this is the way it’s gotta be, then it is. >No second opinion.”

TOM: I have a second opinion: How about you two die immediately and the fanfic ends!!

MIKE: Calm down, Tom. Maybe the next chapter will be better.

>Chapter Four: Another Boring Victory

CROW: Another day, another crummy fanfic.


>It was another typical day. Calvin was reading a comic book and Hobbes >was ordering food from the Internet while listening to his Ipod.

TOM:Hwa? When and where they did they get all this stuff? Plot Holes-R-Us?

>Hobbes yawned and said, “Calvin? Are we running especially low on food >at the moment?”
>Calvin grabbed three coolers and two backpacks and looked inside. “No, >not really. But we do have an unlimited supply of money, so why not buy >some more?

ALL: WHERE.THE. HELL. DID. THEY. GET. ALL. THIS. MONEY!?!

>Oh yeah, how’s your investing going?” “Pretty good, actually. I got >about $300 yesterday from this video game company.

TOM(crying): You know what, Mike? I hate myself. (TOM drops down from his seat.) I’m gonna go throw myself out the airlock. (tries to get out of the theater but can’t get over the air vent.) ARRGH!! I hate you, Mr. Dumb-stupidy-yuck airvent!!
(MIKE picks up TOM and puts him back in his seat.)

MIKE: It’ll be okay, Tom.

>Anyway, they’re having a big sale at the local food store. You wanna go >get some? The room is completely protected.”

CROW: By this force-field maker that I just conveniently brought along!!

>“Sure. What time is it?” “About 4 in the morning. You should go around, >oh, 8?” said Hobbes. “Ok” agreed Calvin. He went back to his comic book.
>Four hours later, Calvin pocketed a bunch of cash and left. He hopped a >bus and zipped around town to the giant food store. He jumped off the >bus and entered. “Woo-ha, this will be fun” he said, grinning.

MIKE(Calvin): Now let’s see how many different ways I can annoy these people into giving me everything they own!

Calvin walked to the dairy section. “Hmmm….brie cheese, cheddar cheese, 2% milk, eggs, two bottles of reduced fat spray whipped cream and eggnog,” he said, throwing all the things into his cart.

TOM(Calvin): 1: Describe everything that you are going to buy to everyone that you see.


>He stopped by a big funnel thing and lots of different colored beans. >“Well well, coffee!” he said. He looked around slyly and dumped a bunch >of what looked like good kinds into different bags. He shoved them in >the cart and went to the candy/snacks aisle. He muttered the things he >got: “Flavor-Blasted Goldfish, Red Licorice, Hershey’s Bars, Reese’s, >Kit Kats, Peppermints, Pringles low-fat chips, Lays, Ruffles, Ritz >crackers, Nutter Butters, Oreos, Snickers, chocolate chip cookies, >peanut butter cookies, white chocolate chip cookies, snickerdoodles, >chocolate and peanut butter flavored health bars….” The list went on >forever.

CROW(Calvin): 2: Tear open all the packages of sugary things that you find and eat it until you start literally bouncing off the walls.

>Next Calvin went to the vegetable and fruit section. He grabbed some >apples, carrots, potatoes, cauliflower, oranges, pears, and some other >fruits.

TOM(Calvin): 3: After, you’re finished all of that, shove two grapes up your nose and start running around yelling, BLOOPITY, BLOO-( MIKE puts his hand over TOM’s beak.)
MIKE: No.

>Then, off to the cash register. He grabbed some gum and mints, then >jumped behind the meat section and scrambled up to a window using a >ladder he saw. He struggled with his pockets—“Mmph, snort, oh you >stupid-gotcha!”—and pulled out a glass cutter.

CROW(Calvin): 4: Get a glass cutter and-(normal voice) Buh? Wuh? Huh? Oh, forget it, I just don’t know anymore! (CROW starts crying)


MIKE: Hang in there, you two. We have to survive this.

>Very quietly he cut a hole in the glass and pulled out his walkie->talkie.

MIKE: Once again, everybody other than Calvin and Hobbes seems to have mysteriously disappeared for this scene.

>“Boy Genius to Fanged Terror, do you read me? Over.”

CROW: Bored Riffers to Bad Fanfic, we are trying not to read you. Over.

>Hobbes’ voice came out of the little device. “I read you, Boy Genius. >Over.”
>“Run over to the back of the food store. I have the food—at least, most >of it—and I need you to transport. Over.” “Coming. Over.” Calvin closed >the w-t* and waited.

MIKE: You will never experience suspense the same way again after the THRILLING confirmation of transport scene!!

>Soon he looked through the window and he saw Hobbes, carefully avoiding >the broken glass.
>The tiger flung up some rope over a stone thing that jutted out and he >pulled on the rope.

TOM: His body was found swinging the next morning.

>The box he had tied it to shot up to Calvin, who placed the food in and >scrambled in himself. Hobbes slowly brought it down, and Calvin jumped >out. He nodded to Hobbes. “Thanks. That was pretty quick thinking.”
>“Oh, you know me. I’m the smartest tiger in the world.” “And the >coolest. Now get these home; I have to buy stuff now.” Hobbes took the >box of food and his supplies and took them back.

CROW(Hobbes): Yes! I’m free! Hasta la vista, losers! Hahahaha!!

>Calvin went around to the front of the store and entered. This time he >went back to the meat place and said, “Can I order three pounds of >tenderloin, and three pounds of beef sausages?” “Sure, kid. Hey, where >are your parents?”

TOM(Calvin): Oh they’re somewhere…six feet underground!! Muahahaha!!!

>“Them? Oh, they’re shopping for other stuff right now. They told me to >order the meat.”
>“Ok. Want anything else?” “Hmm….how about six chicken legs and three big >slabs of salmon.” “That would be 30 bucks, kid.”
>As Calvin dug in his wallet, the guy leaned down and said, “Tell ya >what. Just because I like your face, and you’re buying so much, I’ll >give you another four chicken legs free of charge.”

CROW(cashier,monotone): I am doing this because there is a special today. I am not doing this because the author- I mean, my boss is telling me to.
MIKE(Wolf of Sliver Dawn): Good work, peon! Now, you! In the hat! Somehow lose about 2000 dollars right in front of Calvin’s path!!


>Calvin’s eyes widened. “Gee, thanks mister!” Calvin paid, collected his >stuff, and walked out.
>By now he was pretty tired, so he ran home, said the password, and >flopped down on his bed. “Let’s sleep ‘till 8, and then try out our deep >fat fryer, ol’ buddy” said Calvin sleepily.


TOM(Calvin): We can deep-fry all the money that we never use!


>But Hobbes had already fallen asleep.
>The next night Calvin said to Hobbes, after a breakfast of the last of >the cereal, “I’ll deep fat fry some chicken legs, and you buy some >breading and more cereal today, ok?” “Gotcha” agreed Hobbes. He grabbed >his belt and went down the elevator.

MIKE: So the rest of this fanfic is just Calvin & Hobbes going grocery shopping?

>He jumped into the store and looked at the cereal section. “Let’s see >here….Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Honey-Nut Cheerios, Lucky Charms >with extra marshmallows (like Calvin needs more sugar), three different >flavors of Cracker Jacks, and Frosted Flakes.”

CROW: You see, Mike, part of what makes this fanfic work so well is that challenges you to think! Questions get raised in your mind like, What kinds of cereal will Hobbes buy? Is Gatorade on special today or tomorrow? Should Hobbes get crunchy peanut butter or smooth?


>He gathered those and went to the frozen section. “Butter, orange juice, >pink and regular lemonade, chocolate milk, Cookies n’ Cream ice cream, >Reese’s ice cream, caramel and vanilla ice cream.” On to the seafood.

CROW: You might have noticed that Calvin did not request for these items. Well, T-O-O B-A-D!! This fanfic doesn’t follow rules!! Hobbes will get whatever he damn well pleases and we are going show you every single second of this purchase!!


>Hobbes looked up and said, “Four crab legs, three slabs of halibut, two >slabs of cod, and 50 cooked shrimp, please.” The person looked down and >saw a stuffed tiger wearing a belt. He shrugged and wrapped up the >stuff. “That would be $50” he said, turning to the cash register. When >he looked up again, the stuffed tiger and the food were gone and a 50 >bill was sitting on the counter.

MIKE(cashier,monotone): I did not notice that, nor do I care that a stuffed toy just paid me $50 dollars for seafood. Now if you excuse me, a voice in my head is telling me that I should leave a portable TV right in the middle of an alleyway.


>He scratched his head and thought, “Isn’t there a kid who always has >stuffed tiger on the loose? And doesn’t that kid always wear a red shirt >and black pants, and has a funky haircut?” Then he said to the guy at >the meat counter, “Have you seen a kid with a cool hairdo, yellow hair, >with a red striped shirt and black pants come in yesterday?”

CROW(meat counter guy,monotone): No, I did not see a kid who exactly fit that description yesterday because I was in a plot-I mean on my lunch break.


>“Actually, yes. He reminded me of the kid on…” It slowly sunk in. “…on >the run…” the meat man said slowly. They looked at each other and one of >them said, “I’ll get my cell phone.”

(stunned silence)

TOM: I can’t believe it…

CROW: They did it, they finally did it…

ALL: YAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!

(Cheesy triumphant music starts playing as MIKE and the BOTS starts jumping up and down.)

CROW: Someone other than Calvin & Hobbes knows that they are runaways!!

TOM: And they are actually doing something about it!!

MIKE: It won’t be long guys; we’re into the homestretch now! Let’s riff harder than we’ve ever riffed before!!

BOTS: YEAH!!

(ALL sit back down, music stops playing)

>Meanwhile, Hobbes had picked up everything he needed and left. He had >gone back to Calvin and said, “Snookababulika.”

CROW: Hey! Up yours too, pal!!

>“Correct. Come in.” Hobbes flopped down in front of the computer. >“Hmm….yes! I won another $1000 from that TV company!

TOM(Hobbes): And now my computer is infected with a million viruses!!


>I’m going to go to the bank to collect it, and some other money. See >you in a bit.” Hobbes left the building again. When he would come back >was uncertain.

MIKE(narrator): But you should know, Calvin, that Hobbes will always be in your heart.

>Hobbes casually strolled down the walk, but avoided the crowds. He >jumped on top of cars to cross streets, and hung from streetlights to >get around.
>When he reached the bank, he walked up to the front and the bank man >heard a cheerful voice that he heard all the time:

MIKE(bank teller, cheerful): Why, hello Mr. Bank Robber! Yes, I will give you all the money that we currently have today!!
CROW(robber,cheerful): You’re not going to set off the silent alarm on me today, are you, Phil?
MIKE(same): Oh, ho,ho!! No siree bob!! Hey, remember the time I told you I wasn’t going to set off the slient alarm, but then I secretly did and the police showed up while you were holding that bag of money? Boy, was your face red!
CROW(same): Oh, yes, I remember!! Hahahaha!! (menacing) You die tonight…

>“I got some new money in. Can you open my account?” “Sure thing” the >man replied. He looked down and took the stuffed tiger into the next >room.

TOM: Wha?? Did we just miss something between those two sentences??

>“Write down your password here” the man said, pointing at a paper. He >closed his eyes and when he opened them, Hobbes had written down his >password. “Correct” the bank dude said.

TOM: So let me get this straight: This fanfic is apparently set in the late 2000’s and the bank STILL does everything on paper!? What kind of crazy universe is this fanfic set in anyway??
CROW: I sure don’t know, but it’s full of holes!! (Weakly) Geddit, because this fanfic has so many plot holes that it might be considered its own universe and,and…
MIKE: Ok,ok, that’s enough.

>He grabbed Hobbes and they walked down to the “big doors of dough”. The >bank dude, who’s name was Ian, opened one and a pool of money flooded >out. He spat out a 50 dollar bill and said,

TOM(Ian,stupid): Money tastes like paper!!


>“How much do you want out?”, not looking at Hobbes. “About, oh, >$5,000?”

MIKE(Hobbes,snooty): We are running quite low on napkins, you see.

>“Ok, I’ll grab it” said Ian. He dropped a bunch of money in front of >the stuffed tiger, then piled up the rest of the money that had spilled >out and threw it in the room. Then he struggled with pushing the door >shut. He heard Hobbes say “Thanks” and retreating footsteps. Ian smiled. >Nobody else believed that a stuffed tiger came in all the time. But he >did. He worked with him.

CROW: Ian also worked with a fat, sarcastic, tabby cat and a black and white beagle.

>As Hobbes, all of his money shoved in one of the many pockets in his >belt wandered back home, three policemen watched from an alleyway.

TOM: Their names were Larry, Curly and Moe.

>They closed their eyes and opened them repeatedly—How did he get on a >lamppost? What happened? One minute he was there and now he’s there! How >can a stuffed tiger climb up a building? It has no claws!—and saw Hobbes >in different positions.

MIKE: Y’know, I think these policemen do a good job in representing the audience’s feelings towards the fanfic.

CROW: What, confusion and disbelief?

>They quietly followed him back to Calvin.
>Hobbes pressed the “up” button on the elevator and it opened. He went in >and it closed.

MIKE: HOT elevator door action!!


>He said the password again and pooled out the money. “Wow!” said >Calvin. “Now what do you say to some sleep?” “I’m with ya” Hobbes >yawned.
>“Not so fast, kid” said a threatening voice. Calvin snorted. “I can’t >believe you followed me here, Moe. You aren’t as stupid as I thought.”

CROW(Calvin): Now meet an old friend of mine, Monsieur Wrench en Nose. (cartoony Stooges sound effect)

>“Wait” said the confused policeman. “I’m not Moe. My name’s Earl.”

TOM: It didn’t take very long to decide that Earl had to die.

>“I’ve never heard of you” said Calvin. “What do you want? And Hobbes, >how come the burgler alarm didn’t go off?” “Because Earl and his two >friends are still in the elevator” replied Hobbes. Suddenly, he lunged.
>“OW! How can—what the he—OWWWWCH!!! MOMMY!!!!”

MIKE(Curly): WOOP,WOOP,WOOP,WOOP!!

>Earl clutched his face, as did the others. Their uniforms were shredded >and their skin was all torn up.
>“Ok kid, we demand an explanation!” “Well, that’s Hobbes. He’s a vicious >man-eating tiger. Now I demand an explanation. Reveal yourselves!”
>The three stepped into the lighted room and suddenly a loud alarm went >off. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOO!!” it shrieked.

ALL: YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

>A sudden blast of air propelled the policemen back into the elevator. >The doors closed and they rocketed down. Calvin chuckled and yelled down >through a vent, “What’s the password?”

CROW(Larry): Gee, I don’t know. Hey, Moe, do you know the password?
MIKE(Moe): I’ll give you a password, you numbskull. (DOINK)

>Hobbes was roaring with laughter. Calvin and the tiger curled up in >their sleeping bags and they quickly fell asleep.
>*w-t will be my abbreviation for walkie-talkie in the rest of this >story.

TOM: Hey, the police didn’t manage to bring Calvin & Hobbes back to their parents, right?

CROW: Yup.

TOM(close to tears): So, that means…NOOOOOO!! (TOM starts crying)

MIKE: There,there, Tom.

>Chapter Five: Home Remodeling
>When Calvin woke up, he scratched a bug bite on his head and jumped onto >the computer.
>He grabbed the credit card and looked up

TOM: “How to build your own pipe bomb?”
CROW: “How to steal stuff from people and not get caught?”
MIKE: “How to use plot holes to win friends and influence people?”

>“How to Paint Walls”.

ALL: Oh.

>He found a good YouTube video and clicked that. When the guys voice >started playing on the surround sound, Hobbes yawned and awoke. He >checked the clock. “It’s 7:30, Calvin.”
>“Hmm…good to know.”
>“You’re normally sleeping in.”
>“Yeah…that’s great.”
>“Has something been bothering you?”

CROW(Calvin): No, other than the fact that we’ve been living a perfect, conflict-free life despite living in an abandoned building in an alleyway and that we have a ridiculous amount of money for a six year old boy or a tiger to even have, nothing’s wrong at all.


>“No…why do you ask?”
>Hobbes rolled his eyes and walked over to the computer. “What are you >doing?”

TOM: I’m trying to drive myself insane from boredom. Maybe THEN we’ll have some conflict!!

>“Huh? Oh, I’m just learning how to paint walls,” said Calvin. He >gestured at their room. “This place is a dump. The wallpaper is peeling, >the wood looks boring, and we don’t even have a carpet! Do you see what >I mean, Hobbes?”

MIKE: Yeah! Why don’t we just move back home to where our old, boring and stupid parents are!


>Calvin paused the video, got up, and started pacing. “We’re been >spending time and money on food, and only food!” “Except for the >surround sound and the computer.”

TOM(Calvin): Didn’t we get the surround sound and the computer as a housewarming gift from those hobos??

>“Ok, but that’s nothing. We need to buy more stuff,man!” Hobbes nodded. >“So we’re going to do home remodeling.” “Exactly. Tonight’s my night, so >I’m going to spend this sleeping, if I need to get up early tomorrow.” >He yawned. “Fix some breakfast, Hobbes.”

CROW(Hobbes): Right away, O Grand Master of Calvinball. (muttering) Spiky-headed moron…

>The tiger poured some milk into two bowls of cereal (Calvin’s being >Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and Hobbes’ being Frosted Flakes)

MIKE: You will believe that fixing breakfast can be boring.

>and they settled down to watch the rest of the YouTube video. Once that >was done, Calvin went back to sleep and Hobbes read comic books. “Gee” >he said. “It seems so quiet when Calvin’s asleep.” He jumped out of his >sleeping bag and saw a door to another room.

(CROW opens his mouth)

TOM: No, don’t say it.

>He opened it and looked in.

TOM(Hobbes): Hey, aren’t those Calvin’s grandparents in… OH MY GOD!!! THAT’S DISGUSTING!! AUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

>First off, this room was a lot bigger.

(CROW opens his mouth yet again)

MIKE: Crow, don’t. It’s too easy.

>There was a dresser, a bed, a bathroom (so far they had been using >public restrooms),

(Yet again, CROW opens his mouth)

TOM: Please, Crow!! Think of our readership!!
MIKE: For the love of God, don’t say it!!

>a lamp that needed a light bulb, and a big space for a TV.

(CROW starts shaking)

CROW: No… must not… say it… think of our readership…

>A nice, big, 48-inch screen TV.

CROW(church lady, furious): NOW ISN’T ALL THAT JUST CONVEEIEENT!?!

(CROW short-circuts)

CROW(dazed): Mommy? Is that you??

>Hobbes would have shouted out, “Whoopie!” but Calvin was sleeping.
>So he went back into their room, which looked so tiny compared to the >other, and began to move their stuff into the room.

TOM(Bender): What, you wanna sleep in the closet?? Silly humans.

>Soon his sleeping bag was dragged into a corner, the food was thrust >along another wall, and the computer was put next to the sleeping bag. >Hobbes curled up in the bed and went to sleep.
>It was when Calvin woke up and screamed, “WHERE DID ALL THE STUFF >GO???!!!!” that Hobbes realized

MIKE: There was no other room.

>the bed had no sheets, or a cover. He walked out by Calvin and said, >“It’s in the other room.” He led Calvin to it and Calvin screamed again, >but this time it was something unintelligible.

TOM: It sounded like, $#!^!!!
MIKE: How do you guys even pronounce those??

>“What time is it?” asked Calvin, getting thoroughly excited. “About >9:00, am” said Hobbes, looking at his watch. “Augh! I’ve got to GO!!”

CROW(Calvin): C’mon, move it, buddy!! I gotta pee!!

>Calvin cried, and grabbed the $5,000 bucks Hobbes had gotten out of the >bank. Hobbes rolled his eyes and went to the bank.

TOM: Y’know, Mike? All I thought this fanfic was going to be about was Calvin & Hobbes going banking and grocery shopping!! But, no!! The plot has changed!! Now Calvin & Hobbes are going banking, grocery shopping, AND furniture shopping!! I’m on the edge of my seat wondering what the author will think of next!!

>Calvin tore through the bottom floor of the building, then zoomed past >people walking around, and finally reached Standard TV & Appliance.

MIKE: Wait, the abandoned building apparently has an underground electronics store?? Wha?

>He looked at the TVs, then asked a person, “Does this come with >everything?”

CROW(salesperson): Well, you might have to pay extra if you want to buy the whole store.

>The person didn’t notice it was a kid asking.

MIKE(salesperson, monotone): Suddenly, I am blind and deaf, therefore I cannot notice you. But, this kind author-I mean, doctor, has offered to restore my vision and hearing if I let you buy this whole store.
TOM(Wolf of Sliver Dawn): Keep going,peon…
MIKE(same): I also should mention that today is “Give a free Ferrari to six year olds with stuffed tigers day” here at our store.


>He said, “Yup. Everything. And if you buy satellite we’ll throw in free >on demand and a fridge.”

CROW(salesperson,monotone): This fridge is lead-lined to protect you when the atomic bomb drops-I mean, will that be all, sir?

>“Sweet! How much?” “1,000 for tax and regular price.” “I’ll take it” >said Calvin. “The cashier’s up front” said the man. Calvin reached up to >grab the TV. He then lowered it carefully to the ground, and pushed it >up front.

TOM: Might I point out that as intelligent as Calvin is, he has the physical strength of a six year old!?!

CROW: Normally, I would have a witty retort to that statement, but I just can’t come up with a good response right now.

>The cashier looked at the TV, then said, “Is this all?” “I want to buy >satellite, too.”

CROW: Hey, Mike, is Calvin buying us?
MIKE: No, it means he’s buying satellite TV.
CROW: Is that the satellite where they make fun of bad TV shows?


>The cashier peered through his glasses at Calvin.

MIKE(cashier): Aren’t you a little young to be here all alone?
TOM(Calvin): Aren’t you a little old to be wearing braces??

>“That would be 1,000 dollars for the TV and free year of satellite. >After that, you have to pay 25 bucks every month.” Calvin handed it >over. The cashier was impressed.

CROW(cashier,stupid): Duh… Money all green and papery.

“>You get a free fridge and On Demand, too. The fridges are over there. >Show me the one you want.” Calvn walked over and found a helper.
>“What’s available?” asked Calvin. “Well, for the depressed, we have a >talking fridge” said the helper. He pressed a button on the fridge and a cheery voice said,

TOM(cheery): You suck!! I hate you!! Go to hell!!

>“Be happy! You’re alive, right?”
>He then said, “For the tall basketball players, we have giant fridges— ” >Calvin looked up at a fridge that towered high above him.

MIKE(salesperson): For the all da real goffs out there, we have the Tara fridge.
CROW(Tara): OMG isn’t Gerad Way, lik so haot?? Sotp Gflamdig u topid (Lol,geddit lik Hot topi idf u don no wjhat dat ies gijt the heil ooda hiya!!) preps!!



>“And for the basketball players with kids, we have a giant fridge with >an elevator.” Calvin’s eyes grew wide again.

MIKE: This is Calvin. This is Calvin on drugs. Any questions?

>“I’ll take this one” he said to the cashier. “Hey, kid. You can’t carry >those home by yourself.”

TOM(Calvin): Hah! You watch me, mister! I can exceed a six year old’s physical strength for I am Calvin, Boy Genius of the World!!

>Calvin shook his head sorrowfully. “No, I can’t. And my parents are out >today.” “So, do you want these delivered?” “No, I’ll get a taxi. See ya >later.” And Calvin pushed and pulled his things outside.
>Hobbes was reading a comic book and eating Flavor-Blasted Goldfish
>when his w-t beeped. “Boy Genius to Fanged Terror, do you read me? >Over.”


TOM(Hobbes): No, I’m reading a comic book right now. Over.


>Hobbes picked it up and said,

CROW: WAAAZZZUUUUPPP???

>“I read you. What’s up, Ca-er, I mean Boy Genius?”
>“I got us a TV, satellite, On Demand, and a giant fridge. Start making >our former room into a kitchen, got it?

MIKE(Calvin): ‘think you could airlift an arcade centre into our house, too?

>I’ll help you out later, too. Oh yeah, it’s good we have really tall >walls, because I got the biggest fridge. Over.”
>“That’s awesome. What you need me to do? Over.” “I’m taking a taxi to >our alley. I want you to be hiding behind the corner.

CROW: And when the taxi driver comes out of the cab, maul him to pieces!!

>Over.” “Gotcha. Over and out.” Hobbes clicked off the w-t and ran down >to the alley corner.
>Calvin said to the driver, “Stop here.” The driver helped Calvin lug out >the TV and fridge (that they had to tie to the roof of the car because >it was so big) and they set the items down by the corner.

TOM(Taxi driver): I have no idea why a bunch of hobos would want a fridge, but enh, what can you do.

>“That would be, oh, $5, young man.” Calvin handed over the money and as >soon as the taxi was gone, Hobbes crept out. “Did you bring the rope and box?” “Yup. And I left our window open.” “You’re the best, Hobbes.”
>The box, which was now made out of a huge discarded safe,

CROW: Wha? Did Calvin & Hobbes rob a bank or something?
MIKE: Yes.

>carried the TV safely up to the window. Hobbes ran up and got the TV >out. He put the safe out the window again and ran down to help Calvin >push the fridge at least part-way in. Then they both ran up to pull. It >took them a while, but they finally got it up.

TOM: Wow! Unbelivable! It’s amazing how little I care!


>When they stood it up, it touched the ceiling, which was many feet above >their heads. Yes, even Hobbes’. “Now how big is this elevator?”

CROW: No, I think the real question that you should be asking is, How green is this valley?

>the tiger asked as they stared up at it. “About my size. Don’t worry. >You can still open the fridge. But I don’t think you can reach the >handle.” It was about three feet out of Hobbes’ reach. “It’s ok. I’ll >get what you want.” Hobbes nodded. Calvin tried it out by pressing a >button and two doors opened. He stepped in and pressed up. He traveled >up about 4 flights and reached the top.

MIKE: Does anyone in the world seriously need that much fridge space?
CROW: Oh, you’d be surprised at how many people do, Mike.

>He then went back down and stepped out. “Well, it’s rather cold in >there, but it works.” They began to load all the food in. When they were >done, it was about two in the afternoon and they went to sleep.
>They woke up the next evening to take a nice break. They turned on the >TV, just like at home, and ate a lovely breakfast. They both smiled, >thinking, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, but I like it here in >Live-Alone Land.

(MIKE picks up TOM)

TOM: And...The End. Right?

[EXIT THEATER]
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SATTELITE OF LOVE]

(There are various items on the counter. A clipboard is in front of TOM, who is wearing a visor over his dome.)

TOM: Ground peppers, a string from a misplaced Yo-yo, Twine, Issue #521 of Cosmo, Alf Pogs, pennies, nickels, quarters, dimes, A Honda decal, leftover pizza, dust…

(MIKE enters from stage right)

MIKE: Servo, what are you doing?

TOM: An old tin can, an ad for a coffee table missing two front legs, said coffee table- (looks up) Oh, hi, Mike!! Guess what!! Crow and I are going to live life the Calvin & Hobbes way!!

MIKE: And how do you plan on doing that?

TOM: Well, I, Tom Servo, am staying here to announce to the whole world every single item that we have! Crow’s out buying some things.

MIKE: Wait, what? I-

(Helicopter noises can be heard from above, MIKE and TOM look up.)

CROW(O.S.) Hey, Tom, I went out to buy a swimming pool today and I got a free helicopter with my purchase!!

(A rope falls from above and CROW climbs down it.)

CROW: I also got a free novelty talking fridge when I bought pet food for my Shiba Inu!!

TOM: Crow, I didn’t even know that you had a Shiba Inu!

CROW: I didn’t know I had one either, until a few seconds ago!

(A fridge falls out of the place where the rope used to be.)

CROW( yelling upwards): Thanks, Darry!! (normal) Poor guy has never flown a helicopter before. Anyway, I wanted to show you the new fridge I got. It’s a Mary Sue fridge!

(CROW presses a button on the fridge.)

FRIDGE: I am talented, pretty, smart and the only one who has the special power to save the world!!

CROW: But, that’s not all, my friend! This fridge can hold as much as we want!! It triumphs over those so-called “standard fridges”!! Now, our next mission is to not let any authority find out we’re here.

TOM(scared): Uh, Crow, behind you...

(CROW turns around and looks at MIKE, who is looking rather blazé about the whole thing.)

MIKE: Uh, hi.

CROW: WAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!! Quick, Servo, run!! It’s the man!! Hide the valuables!!

( The BOTS dash off in different directions.)

MIKE: I just don’t know what goes through those guys’ heads sometimes. (notices something on the ground) Hey, a five dollar bill.

(MIKE bends over to pick up the money, but as he does so, a bright light drops down from the ceiling and shines in his face.)

TOM(O.S.): Okay, Crow! You can open the trapdoor!!

MIKE: Hey! What the-(trapdoor opens under MIKE) AAAAHHH!!! (MIKE falls through trapdoor.)

(BOTS come back onscreen.)

BOTS: Hahahaha!!!

CROW: So…What do we do now?

TOM: I dunno.

(After a second of silence.)

TOM: Hey, why don’t we go shopping for more things!!

CROW: Yeah!!

(The yellow light on the console begins blinking.)

TOM: Like this quaint yellow light!!

CROW: Hey, it says here that if we buy it, we will get a free lawnmower!!

[COMMERICAL SIGN]
[ENTER THEATER]

Chapter Six: Hello, Exterminator? My Condo Has Robbers

TOM(announcer): Is this a problem for you? Well, not anymore!! With the new Culkin brand burglar alarm, your chances of home invasion decrease by ten!

>One usual morning (the two had refrained from living nocturnal because >the police were no longer looking for the kid and his tiger), Calvin was >watching the 8:00 news, simply because all of the cartoons had been >postponed for noon. Hobbes came in yawning and said, “Whatcha watchin’?” >“The news. All of the cartoons are going to be shown at noon.”

CROW: I also heard that the Dept. of Redundancy Dept. is having a big sale!!

>Hobbes fixed some toast and sat down next to Calvin, who was laughing >his head off at a scene where a robber gave himself away by leaving his >driver’s license at a store.

ALL: Wah,wah,wah…

>Suddenly: “We interrupt our current viewing for this important >broadcast.”

MIKE(badly dubbed): Godzilla is destroying Japan!!
TOM(same): Only El Santo can save the world now!!

>The scene switched to a picture of a man in his middle thirties, with >dark brown hair and a short goatee. His eyes were grayish-hazel, with >two missing teeth.

CROW: He also had goat hooves in place of feet and wore red horns.

>“Joe Ertussher has recently escaped from prison. He was accused of >robbing many houses and stealing from stores.

TOM(shocked): So, that’s why Calvin & Hobbes were able to get away with stealing stuff! (angry) Joe was framed!! Framed I tells ya!!

>Also, he was the known assassinator of three people, whose names will >remain anonymous.

CROW(newscaster): Ha,ha, Just kidding!! The following people were named Dad, Mom, and Uncle Max. Claw marks were found on each of the bodies.

>Citizens around 64th Ave. and Clark St. should keep their eyes out, >install burglar alarms if you haven’t already, keep all animals inside—>(Hobbes rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out at the TV)—and keep >your bank account numbers secret.

MIKE: Yeah, don’t give your PIN number to any guys known as bank dudes.

>Warning: this man is dangerous.”
>“Yeah, as if we didn’t know that already” snorted Calvin, who turned off >the TV and went to get dressed and go out for the day. As he pulled on >some clothes in the bathroom, he said to Hobbes, “What do you think?”

TOM(Hobbes): Horses are funny.

>“About the escapee?” “Yeah.” “Well, we have a burglar alarm, I don’t go >yelling my bank account number to the world, and 64th Ave is all the way >across the town. So is Clark St. I don’t think we have anything to fear >from this guy.”

CROW: What about the fact that he killed three people?


>When Calvin got out he grabbed his coat, the credit card, and his free->for-five day’s taxi service card (he had given the driver, who was >called Lucas,

TOM: I guess the years after he defeated Porky weren’t very kind to him.

>a pie he had bought and in return had a free taxi service for five days. Two had been used already) and said to Hobbes, “Anything you need?” >“Yes, I need a new can opener. Mine broke.”

MIKE(Hobbes): Apparently, can openers don’t make good weapons.

>“Ok, I’ll be back in a bit.”
>Calvin stepped outside to pouring rain. He put his hood up and walked >past the abandoned buildings to a sidewalk. He dug into his pocket and >called Lucas on speed dial.

ALL: Oh,no! Not another plot hole!!

>“Hey, Luke.”

CROW: Skywalker??

>“Yo, Cal. What’s up?” “I need a free ride to Fred Meyer.” “Ok, I’ll be >right over.” Calvin set his UltraPhone on sleep mode, and shivered. It >was cold. To pass the time, he turned the phone back on and clicked on >“Target”.

MIKE: There’s a Target store in every UltraPhone?

>He then typed in the name of the person he wanted to find, and clicked >the button. The screen honed in on Keepsafe St, number 409. He then >typed in “Calculate distance from Keepsafe St to Hollow Lane”. The words >“a mile and a half” appeared on Calvin’s screen and set his heart >thumping.

CROW(Calvin): If Ms. Wormwood finds out I’m here, she’ll kill me!

>He shook his head and put on his headphones to listen to some music.

TOM(Calvin): I know I should be worried about this, but, eh, you only live once.

>A bus painted like a taxi screeched up to the sidewalk. The door opened >and Lucas said grandly, “Welcome to the Super-Cool Taxi-Bus!”

CROW: Not to be confused with the Heroic-Tubular Plane-Car.

>“Awesome, you upgraded!” laughed Calvin. He was halfway there when a >call came in on his phone. He flipped it open and said,

TOM(Calvin): HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER!?

>“I’m not buying anything.” He heard a sigh. “Oh, hi Hobbes. What’s >going on?” “What’s going on??

MIKE: o/ I said, hey, what’s going on?? o/

>I find a trap in my bed that catapulted me up to the ceiling, hit me >with 60 gallons of water balloons, attaches headphones to my ears and >plays the absolute worst song in the world,

TOM: My Heart will Go On?

>then sprays me with honey,

CROW(Hobbes): And then throws me on the chair and forces me to watch The Cleveland Show.

(ALL scream.)

>sticks me to a rope and swings back and forth until I barf into a >bucket that tilts and sprays my own barf at me…”

MIKE: And then it flings me out the window into a dumpster full of broken glass.

>30 minutes later….
>….“and throws me onto my bed that’s booby trapped with snowballs that >automatically fling themselves at me, and you have the nerve to ask >what’s going on??” “Ooops, heh heh, forgot about that, Hobbes”

TOM(Calvin): Well, the good news is that our Culkin alarm works, right?

>said Calvin, grinning and snorting with laughter into the phone. “Yo, >Calvin, we’re here.” “Sorry Hobbes, gotta go.” As he hung up, Hobbes was >growling at the other end.

MIKE(Hobbes): When he gets home, I’ll make him watch all of the Jonas Brothers’ music videos.

>“Alrighty, thanks, Luke. I’ll remember you in my will.”

CROW(Calvin): I’ll also remember Earl and his two clones in my will for being so hilarious.

>As Calvin walked out, Lucas scratched his head, then shrugged and drove >off.
>Calvin lazily strode through the store, grabbing stuff he wanted. Then >he used his UltraPhone’s Silent Drill device

TOM(enraged): I! NEED! EXPLANATION!


>and drilled through the wall, leaving a hole just big enough for him to >crawl through. When he got out, he decided to walk home. It would be >good exercise;

MIKE: Thought the kid who normally hated any form of exercise.

>he missed the days when he and Hobbes would play Calvinball on a grassy >lawn or lay on a hill and watch the stars.

CROW: Or sit in a tree and throw rotten fruit at Susie Derkins.

>As he casually strolled down the streets, he cast glances from side to >side. He pulled out his phone and checked where Joe Ertussher was. He, >well, I’ll put it this way: if he had been a cartoon character,

TOM: Which he was.

>his jaw would have extended far below it’s normal height, and his eyes >would have shot out of their sockets. For his phone showed the convict >no more than five blocks away.

CROW: Joe Ertussher: Burglar, Killer, Secret Teleporter!!
TOM: Coming this midseason to ABC!!

>Calvin began to run in the opposite direction, but he heard a pounding >behind him. He gritted his teeth and zoomed ahead at top speed. The wind >blew pas his spiky hair and not once did he glance behind him.

MIKE: Not even to see the President.

>When he reached a corner he quickly turned to his phone and tapped the >“Internet” button. He looked for information about Ertussher, and found >out a lot of stuff in the space of 1 minute.

TOM: Horrifying, personal stuff.


>He found out that Ertussher despises the song “American Idiot” and >“It’s The End of the World As We Know It”. He hates turkey hot dogs and >plain marshmallows, along with Afro wigs and leather jackets.

CROW: His turn-ons include pyromania, mass shootings and a warm fireplace.

>Calvin grinned, then set to “Music”. He turned on American Idiot, which >was actually an excellent song, and dug out a leather jacket and Afro >wig. I do not know where he got those.

MIKE: Wow. You gotta have a massive plot hole if even the author doesn’t know what’s going on.


>Then he leapt out and started dancing to American Idiot while singing it >in a terrible voice. The guy, who was almost at Calvin, shrieked and >stuffed his fingers in his ears as he rolled on the ground, yelling, >“I’M NOT LISTENING!! I’M NOT LISTENING!!”

CROW(Joe, childish): Go,’way, You big, fat poopie-head!!


>Calvin cracked up and accidentally turned off the music.

TOM: Yeah, he threw his UltraPhone right in front of a speeding truck.

>At that, Ertussher bounded forward like a fox after a rabbit and >grabbed Calvin before he could wriggle away. “Augh! Let me go, you pig >dude!”

MIKE: Pig dude? I hope that was a typo and not some weird teen insult.

>screamed Calvin as he kicked at the man’s arms. He might have tried to >crack a 500-feet thick boulder with his pinky finger for all the effect >it had on Ertussher.

CROW: So, a small child is getting kidnapped by an escaped convict and NOBODY cares??

>He dragged Calvin off, leaving a pile of food sitting on the corner.

MIKE: Great, now the food’s orphaned.

>Soon, Calvin found himself tied up in a room.

CROW: Y’know, this may be the best description of anything in this fanfic.


>“Do you like it, kid? I had it upgraded,” cackled Ertussher.

TOM(amazed): Wow! The walls are such a brilliant shade of beige!!

>Calvin struggled to no effect. He panted and gave up. “All right, >Ertussher, you’ve got me. You captured a six-year-old with no parents >and for no particular reason. Congrats.”

(CROW gets up from his seat)

CROW: Well, seems like Calvin’s now doing our job for us. No point in staying here any longer.

MIKE: Sit down, Crow. Just because Calvin is doing our jobs doesn’t mean we can leave.

(CROW sits down, grumbling.)

>Erstussher pulled out some beef jerky and tore a piece off with his >teeth. “Ah, but there is a reason.

TOM(while Joe’s talking): Mm, mmf mmf mm mmmf.

>See, Calvin, I know you. I know you from when you still lived with your >parents.”

CROW(Joe): For you see, I was once known as Rosalyn!!

>Calvin stopped studying the rope and looked up at Ertussher. “Huh?” >“That’s right, kid. Even though you never saw me, I noted on how upset >you were when your TV went missing.”

MIKE: Joe Ertussher is Big Brother!!

>Calvin’s eyes narrowed into slits. “So you were one of the robbers. One >of the robbers that stole our stuff and made me worried sick about >Hobbes.” The man ate another beef jerky piece. “Right on, Calvin.”

TOM(while Joe’s talking): Mmm mmf ,mmf.

>“Well, why do you hate me? Why do you want to…er…what are you going to >do with me?” Ertussher lazily examined his fingernails, then said,

CROW(Joe): I’m going to make you watch Twilight in a room full of squealing fangirls.

MIKE: NOOO!! Not that!!



>“I was thinking of either freezing you in carbon liquid or interrogate >you about entirely fictitious stuff, videotape it, and put it on >YouTube.”

TOM(Joe singing): o/ Or I’ll send you cheesy movies o/
CROW(same): o/ The worst I can find o/
BOTH(same): o/ La,la,la!!o/


>“Lovely.” “And to answer your other question, well, the thing is….”

MIKE(Joe, Over dramatically): BECAUSE…BECAUSE…

>He paused for a minute. Calvin was swinging back and forth in boredom. >“Well, get on with it.”

MIKE(same): I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!
TOM: That was Hagrid’s dramatic entrance from My Immortal, Ladies and Gentlemen!!


>“Fine. I hate you because you keep on annoying my niece and her >friends.” Calvin racked his brains until he came up with the only answer >he had. “You’re related to Susie??” “Yes, though she doesn’t even know I >exist. And after many years of ticking her off, I’m finally going to >help the niece I was never able to meet….by freezing you in time >forever!!”

CROW: So, Joe is basically an evil version of the readers of Calvin & Hobbes. When did this story go from a quirky aspect on city life to a really bizarre mindtrip??

>He laughed maniacally. Then he popped open a can of soda and slugged >down the whole bottle in three minutes.

ALL: WOOO!!! CHUG IT, DUDE!!

>He looked around, and then said, “I have to go to the bathroom.”
>As he rushed off, Calvin rolled his eyes and tried to wriggle good >enough to pull out his cell phone when he finally had it, he typed in a >call with his nose

TOM: Aaand…we’re back to watching Calvin doing impossible things.

>and said, “Hello, police? Joe Ertussher at Renter St., block 6, has >captured me. The name’s Calvin. Calvin Icaron.

MIKE(Calvin): Yeah, I flew too close to the sun again.

>I’m wrapped up and he says he’s going to interrogate me about entirely >fictitious stuff, videotape it and put it on YouTube, then freeze me in carbon liquid for a million years. Yeah, that’s what he said. Ok, bye. >Bring pizza.”

TOM: It must have been “Help Arrest a Criminal, Get a Free Pizza” month at the Police Station.

>Immediately after the call, Ertussher rushed in.

MIKE(Joe): Hey, Calvin, DO NOT use the phone that just magically floated in here to call the poli-Oh.

>Calvin then asked sarcastically, “Have a good vacation?” “Har har, >Calvin.” “So tell me, Erstussher, what gave you the idea to become >evil?”

CROW(Joe, whiny): Well, it all started when I realized that Daddy never loved me.

>asked Calvin. “Well, I came back from the war without a job,

MIKE(same): So, then my Dad kicked me out of house and then threw a bucketful of rotten fish on me.

>so I decided to join a gang and rob for money.

TOM(same): The gang didn’t love me either.

>I should have been rolling in the dough after a few raids, but my >partners took all the money.

MIKE(same): They didn’t even remember my birthday!!

>So I quit the gang after we raided your house,

CROW(same): The house which held a vicious man-eating tiger.

>the house that held the kid who was responsible for making my niece’s >life miserable.

MIKE(same): As the tiger was clawing my face open, I suddenly thought of a song.

TOM(same, but singing): o/CRAAAWWLLIING INNN MYYY SKIIINNN!! THEEEEEESSEEE WOOOOUNDSSS THEEEY WIIILLL NOOOT HEEEAAALLL!!o/

>Then I was caught, and sent to prison for a year.

CROW(same): I thought people in the prison would love me too and they did, just not in the way I would’ve imagined.

>Next thing I know, I find a way out and I’m looking for you. I catch >you, and now you’re hear.”

TOM(same): I just want someone to love me! Is that too much to ask?

>He cackled again. “And now I’m going to freeze you!”

MIKE: Playing the part of Joe Ertussher tonight, Mr. Freeze!!

>He advanced on Calvin. “One more question” said Calvin calmly, checking >his watch. “What do you think is the biggest flaw robbers have?”

CROW: Tripping on skateboards?
TOM: Finding a good book in the victim’s house and ending up reading it until morning?
MIKE: Going on Facebook in the middle of a break-in?

>“Hmm, that’s a tough one. I’d say wasting too much time explaining >their plans and letting the police come.”

TOM: No, that’s what supervillians do, Ertussher. Get it right!!

>As if on cue, the police burst through the door. Joe Ertussher ran out >of the room.

MIKE(cop): Hey, shouldn’t we get that guy?
CROW(cop): My feet hurt and besides, we ate too many doughnuts beforehand.
MIKE(same): Oh, right.

>“Thanks, guys. Hey, get me out of this thing.” One of the police cut >the rope and Calvin hopped out. Another policeman gave him a pizza.

TOM(Calvin): Hey, I asked for no anchovies!!

>He grabbed a slice and pulled out a 10 dollar bill. He gave it to the >police and said, “Thanks.” Then he left.

MIKE(cops): Hey, aren’t you that kid who-
CROW(Wolf of Sliver Dawn): Not so fast! Memory Erasing Ray, Go!!
MIKE(same, monotone): We do not recognize that kid.

>He got home at 9:00. Hobbes pounced on him as soon as the elevator >opened. As Calvin poked his head out between Hobbes’ claws, he grinned >and said, “Ah, good times.”

TOM: Isn’t injury great?

>A/N: Joe Ertussher will be in the rest of the story as the reacurring >villan.

ALL: HOORAY!! There’s conflict in this story after all!!
CROW: We love you, Wolf of Sliver Dawn!!

>Thanks to everybody for reviews, suggestions and support. I couldn’t >have done it without my faithful fans.
>I made up the surname Icaron for Calvin, just so he can be called by his >last name by his new archenemy. It’s SOOO much cooler that way.

TOM: I just can’t wait to see Uncle Joe again. I wonder where the story will go with him?

And finally, I ripped off The Simpsons in here. Please don't sue me.

MIKE(Grandpa Simpson): Ah, everything’s stolen nowadays. Like the fax machine is just a waffle iron with a phone attached.

>Chapter Seven: I Don’t Remember Where I Live

TOM: That’s okay, I don’t remember where I parked my car.
MIKE: You don’t have a car, Servo.

>After Hobbes had finished beating Calvin up, the kid threw up his hands >in surrender.

ALL: EWW!!

>“Are you done? If so, I’ve got some news.”
>“Yes, I’m done.”
>“Well, where to begin?” Calvin scratched his chin in mock >thoughtfulness. “Let’s see,

CROW(Calvin): Well, I was casually walking down the street, when a guy in a chicken suit came up to me and asked if I would like to buy insurance.

>a guy who’s Susie’s uncle tried to murder me by freezing me in a locker >and keeping me there for 50 years,

TOM(Calvin): Suddenly, the chicken dude pulled off his mask to reveal Joe Ertussher, who began to chase me around with an axe.

>but I escaped by calling the police

MIKE(Calvin): Luckily, the police were about to cross the street at the time and managed to try to stop Joe, but at the cost of their most noble officer, a powdered sugar doughnut.

>and now the guy’s probably going to break out again and cut me in half >with an axe.”

CROW(Calvin): Eventually, Joe Ertussher was so embarrassed by these incompetent cops that he arrested himself. The End!

>Hobbes blinked a few times and then asked blankly, “Would you like fries >with that?”
>Calvin sighed loudly and shook him. “It’s true! Look at the news >tomorrow!”

TOM(Wacky sitcom narrator): Uh-Oh, did Calvin go time-traveling to the future again??

(standard sitcom laugh track)

>Hobbes walked to the computer and typed in, “Tomorrow’s News.” He came >up with 23,600,548 different places. Hobbes clicked on the first one. >Sure enough, the front page article said, “Joe Ertussher Back In Prison” >and the subtitle was, “Young Child Almost Frozen in Liquid Carbon.”

MIKE: The article below that read, Local Policeforce Eats Too Many Doughnuts Again.

>Hobbes looked at Calvin. “Wow” he whistled. “You can get into that much >trouble in just one day.”

CROW(Calvin): Oh, that’s nothing. Remember the time I pretended to hide in my dad’s homemade hot air balloon?

>“Susie’s granddad never seemed like much of a smart, anyway.”
>Hobbes scratched his head. “We have to get away from here. Even if this >guy’s not very smart, he’s probably got some cronies with him. And I’ll
>bet you 50 bucks he’s got a smart guy with him called ‘The Brain.’”

ALL(singing): o/They’re Pinky and the Brain, Yes, Pinky and the Brain.o/

>“You’re on. Maybe we could move.”

ALL(singing): o/We’re off on the road to Rhode Island.o/

>“How? We don’t have a car.”
>“That, my friend, is what we have money for.”
>“But we don’t know how to drive.”
>“We can learn.”
>“We’re under 16! Or at least you are. I don’t know how old I am.”
>“I can stand on your head.”
>“Oh, whoopee.”

MIKE: The audience will be STUNNED during the GREAT driving debate scene!!

>“All right, all right, we won’t get a car,” grunted Calvin. Then his >face lit up. “I know! We can order plane tickets and fly to China! Then >we can learn to become ninjas and join the ultimate fighting order!”

TOM: Thus, the start of a new movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Six Year Old, was born!!

>“I think you’ve been watching too many movies. But the plane thing’s a >good idea” said Hobbes.
>“Methinks thou hast an idea to mind as well, yes?” said Calvin in >Shakespearian accent.

CROW: Wha? Was the author doing her English homework while writing this?

>“Ummmm….”
>Calvin sighed. “Do you have an idea?” he asked him.

TOM: No, Calvin, It’s, Doth thou hast a plan of great fortune and trickery?

>“Well, we could either buy tickets, go aboard the plane, and be known, >or we could sneak aboard and not spend any money, try not to be caught, >and sit on suitcases in the cargo hold.”


MIKE: And immediately get arrested when the plane lands? Sure! Go for it!

>“I vote for the first.”
>“Aye.”

CROW: Oh, poop.

>Calvin looked up at the fridge. “But how are we going to pack that?”
>Hobbes rolled his eyes. “Duh. We call

TOM: Ghostbusters??

>a moving van.”

TOM: Oh.

>“Oh. Right.”
>Calvin looked around. “You know, I think we should take a walk up to >that forest that we first saw the city from. For old times’ sake.”

MIKE: Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seated while the fanfic takes a detour through Flashback Hell.

>Hobbes nodded sadly. “We may never be able to take a walk in the forest >again.”
>So the two grabbed walking sticks from beside the doorway and set off, >going down the elevator. Calvin pointed north. “There’s the forest. I >can see it.

CROW(Calvin): I can also see a bunch of red and blue flashing li-Uh,Oh.

>They tried to keep the forest in sight as they wound their way through >streets and alleyways. Finally they found themselves at the base of a >hill, lightly speckled with grass. As Calvin looked up at the forest >many memories flooded through his mind.

MIKE: Here we go guys. Fasten your seatbelts.
CROW: But we don’t have seatbelts.
MIKE: In that case, just hold on to whatever you can.

>Calvin was walking under a tree. There is a rustling

TOM: And a sword falls out of the tree, slicing Calvin’s head open!

>and Hobbes jumps out, landing on him. Hobbes looks at Calvin sternly >and says, “You wouldn’t last a minute in the jungle.” Calvin yells back, >“That’s why I live HERE, you dolt!”

CROW: Or used to, before the “Lightning Incident.”

>Calvin was racing through the forest with an orange flag. He crashes >through bushes, pushes away branches,

MIKE: Jumps straight into open sewers.

>clambers across a wooden bridge

TOM: Chases coins through traffic.

>and finally climbs a tree, puts the flag in a fork, and

CROW: Hangs the bodies of his enemies on the tree as a warning to all who come here.

>grabs the other flag. Then it’s back across the forest. When he reaches >a clearing, he yells “Time!” and Hobbes exclaims, “Wow! A new record!”

TOM(Hobbes): I’m sorry, Calvin, but your record’s still not good enough for The World-Wide Flag Hunt-a-thon.
CROW(Calvin): Damn it!

>Two tigers sit on opposite sides of a rock. At least, one is a tiger.

MIKE: The other is a broom dressed up as a tiger.

>The other is Calvin, dressed up like a tiger.

MIKE: Eh, close enough.

>Hobbes rolls a the rock slightly to Calvin, sticks out his tongue, and >says, “Your side is smaller.” Calvin shouts, “Hey!”
>Calvin sighed. “Come on, Hobbes.”

CROW: Ladies & Gentlemen, the author has now turned off the flashback sign. Please enjoy the rest of the fanfic.

>The two walked up the hill and entered the forest. Birds chirped and >small creatures raced across the floor.

TOM: Now I feel like I’m in a Disney movie. When are these animals going to break out in song?


>They soon had walked for about an hour.
>It was when Calvin accidentally tripped and fell that he realized he had >been there before. He felt, under his feet, tire treads and dips.

CROW: And the secret door to the Tunnel of Chili.

>“Hobbes” he said. “Remember this place?”

MIKE(Hobbes) Oh, was this the place where all the cops tripped and couldn’t get back up? Man, that was a laugh riot!

>Hobbes knelt down and ran his finger lightly over the treads. “I didn’t >know we’ve been here.”
>“It must have been when Mom and/or Dad had to go to some meeting and >stay in a hotel.

CROW(Calvin): Dad was being goofy and dressing up as Mom for some reason, so it was impossible to tell the difference between the two for a while.

>We must have brought the wagon.”
>Calvin looked up at the tall branches of the trees and suddenly asked, >“What month is it?”

TOM: Sectovember?

>“It’s November, Calvin. The beginning of November. Do you never look at >your calendar?” snorted Hobbes.
>“Well, no, because I also don’t know what day it is.”
>Hobbes slapped his forehead. “Wow.”
>“I know, it’s awesome, isn’t it?”

CROW(Calvin): It’s amazing that I managed to survive in the city for so long without knowing all that!!

>“No, Calvin.”
>“I mean the sunrise, Hobbes.”
>Hobbes lifted his head from his hands and found that they had taken a >loop and were facing the city again. The sun was a glowing ball of
>yellow-ish orange on the horizon. As Calvin stared out across the city, >he felt like the setting of the November sun was like the falling of his >old life, and the rising of his new.
>Calvin shook his head. “Woah, I actually felt philosophical for a minute >there.”


MIKE: Woah.
CROW: What’s wrong?
MIKE: For a minute, I thought that the fanfic was trying to be meaningful.

>“That was a nice forest. Now come on, Calvin, let’s go home.”
>“Um, sure, Hobbes. One little problem, though.”
>“What?”

TOM: The police have surrounded the duo and they’re being chased by an angry mob?

>Calvin grinned sheepishly. “I don’t remember were we live.”

TOM: Well, there’s that.

>“Don’t you have it programmed into your GPS in your UltraPhone?”
>“I did, but there was a bug and I did a complete wipeout of it, and I >forgot to program our coordinates back into it.”
>Hobbes slapped his forehead. Again. “Great, now how are we going to get >home?”

CROW: Magic?

>Calvin thought. He remembered that he had been going north, slightly >northwest when they had left, and they were on Hollow Lane, that an idea >sprung to his mind.

TOM(Calvin): We can disguise ourselves as forest dwelling pixies and grant wishes to lost travelers!!
MIKE(Hobbes): Have you been into the funny smelling sugar again?


>“We’ll walk around the streets, and ask for somebody who knows where >Hollow Lane is. We’ll take it from there.”
>Hobbes sighed. “I guess that’s the only thing we can do, but you’ve >forgotten something, Calvin.” He held up the cell phone and wiggled it.


TOM( Hobbes, like talking to a dog): Calvin want the phone? Yeah? Go fetch!!
(CROW makes dog barking noises.)


>“Ah! You’re a genius, Hobbes.”
>He dialed Lucas’ phone number and waited for him to pick up. Soon he >did.
>“Hello?” “Hey, man, it’s Calvin. I kinda need some help.”

MIKE(Calvin): You know how on the news there’s been reports of giant ladybugs who carry people off to their nests? Yeah, well, I was one of those people.

>“What kind of a pickle did you get yourself in now?” “I’m lost. See, I >took a walk in the forest and now I can’t find Hollow Lane.” “Okay, I’ll >come by and pick you up if you just walk down to outside that giant >building with the flashing lights.”

TOM: You mean the doughnut shop where the police hang out at?

>“All right, we’ll be there.”
>Calvin closed his phone. “Come on, Hobbes, we need to walk to the >Christmas building.”

CROW(Hobbes): Isn’t that the building where they found all those corpses of chil-Calvin?
MIKE(Calvin): Danger is fun!!

>He pointed to the building with lights flashing on and off. Hobbes >nodded and they set off down the hill.
>But when they got down into the streets, they couldn’t see the flashing >lights on the building, so Calvin tugged on a guy’s shirt. “Excuse me, >my good man,

TOM(Calvin): But your wallet seems to have fallen directly into my hands.


>but can you direct me to the Christmas building?”

CROW: Walmart?

>The guy blinked.
>“You know, the one with the flashing lights?” prompted Calvin.

MIKE(Guy): The police station?
TOM(Calvin): No, the one with the fat people in RED.


>“Oh, the Santa Toy Company. Just go to your left, then up, then right, >and then look for the sign.”
>“Thank you, sir.”

CROW(Calvin): You and your wallet have been very helpful to me.

>Calvin and Hobbes rushed to their left. Then up. Then right.
>Hobbes looked around. “Well, there’s the building. Come on, Calvin.”
>But Calvin was staring, open-mouthed, at the entrance of another >building, where a man stepped out whom Calvin knew all too well.

MIKE: Principal Spittle?

>“Run!” he hissed at Hobbes. “It’s Ertussher!”

(ALL cheer)

>“I thought he was in prison?”
>“He escaped, duh.”

TOM: Now that he is a regular character, Joe Ertussher has the ability to create plot holes at will.

>They darted towards the building and blasted inside. They then sat down >on some chairs.


MIKE: Great, now they have to wait for this scene to be approved by the World-Wide Chase Sequence Federation.

>The receptionist asked, “Can I help you, young man?”
>“Yes you can!” gasped Calvin. “There’s a convict outside that wants to >freeze me in carbon liquid for a million zillion years!”

TOM(receptionist): Hahahaha!! Next you’re going to tell me that an ax murderer is right behind-AAAAUUGGH!!

>“Hey, you’re that kid from the news! Where are your pa—”

MIKE: Uh, it’s kinda late for someone to be saying that, Wolf.
CROW: But thanks for trying!!

>“And he’s coming out of that building! AUGH!”
>The receptionist tried to grab him as he made a run for it,

TOM: Huh? Is the receptionist secretly a member of Joe Ertussher’s merry little band?


>but he zoomed to the door, broke it down and screamed like all the >hunting hounds of the world were after him. Hobbes followed.

MIKE(Hobbes): Oh, right, I’m in this story.

>Ertussher noticed him pretty quick and tried to grab him like the >receptionist, but Calvin kicked and punched and bit and tickled (don’t >ask)

CROW: Calvin knew about the fact that Joe Ertussher was secretly a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll.

>and Ertussher let him go. Hobbes bared his teeth and hissed at >Ertussher, and suddenly the convict felt exploding pain across his face.

TOM: Don’t you hate it when your face explodes??

>Three red lines ran across it.
>The two hid in an alleyway until they finally saw the familiar taxi pull >up. They darted across and hopped in.
>“Hey, Calvin” said Lucas. “Strap yourself in; I’m testing the new speed >limit.

CROW: And just as Calvin and Hobbes were running away from Ertussher too!! Gee, I wonder what could have caused that to happen?

>“Blast it up, Luke, we’re in a hurry.” As they drove past Ertussher, >Calvin made a face at him and screamed,

MIKE(Calvin, like in Squirm): You gonna be the worm-face!!

>“HA HA HA HAAAA! NOW WE’RE GOING TO NEW YORK AND YOU’LL NEVER FIND US! >NEVER!”
>Hobbes slapped himself in the forehead. For the third time that day.
>“Calvin, you just told him where we’re going!” he snapped. “Now he’s >gonna get us again!”

ALL: HOORAY!!

>But once they were out of the area, Calvin grinned at Hobbes. “No, I >told him where he thinks we’re going. We haven’t booked our flight yet.”

TOM(Calvin): In reality, we’re flying to Mars!!

>“Calvin, you’re a genius. I take back one fourth of all the mean things >I’ve ever said about you.”

MIKE(Hobbes): And replacing it with stupid things I said about you.


>“Well, thank you.”
>When Calvin and Hobbes got home, the former got on the computer and the >latter looked at a map of the U.S.
>“Okay, Hobbes, what should I look up?”
>“Plane tickets for Thursday.”
>“Why Thursday?”

CROW: Because that’s the day when the author goes to the annual “Planes Are Cool and They Make Great Birdhouses” event.


>“That gives us enough time to pack and call a moving van. Today’s >Tuesday.”
>There were clicking noises, and then Calvin asked, “How about >Pennsylvania?”

TOM: Ooh, the land of giant pencils!! Yes, please!!

>Hobbes came over and peered at the computer screen. “What time does it >leave?”

CROW: 6:66PM.

>“8:30 in the morning” said Calvin.
>“Does it snow there?

MIKE: No, but every once in a while bubbles rain from the sky.

>“Yes.” “Then sure, let’s go.”
>Calvin had just booked his ticket when he asked, “Hobbes, do you think I >need to book a ticket for you? You are a cat.”

CROW(Hobbes): Well, I would appreciate it if you at least got me a vegetarian in-flight meal.

>“Well” said Hobbes, “I think that because I’m an animal, I don’t need a >ticket.” “Cool, that means I only need to book one ticket.”
>Calvin clicked a few more keys and then he swiveled around in his chair. >“We are now officially almost Pennsylvanians.”

TOM(Calvin): And by almost I mean that we are not going to Pennsylvania at all and we’re going to Idaho instead.

>“Sweet!” cheered Hobbes.
>Calvin picked up his phone and called the nearest moving company.
>“Hello, I’m moving to Pennsylvania

MIKE(Guy on phone): What?? Ya wanna go to Transylvania??

>and I would like to call a moving van.

MIKE(same): A moving van? This is Charly’s Drinking Bird Emporium, Not some damn moving company!!

>I would like the Extra-Large, please.

MIKE(same): Kid, now you sound like you’re at a fast food joint! Is this a prank call?? Are you really calling about Drinking Birds or just screwing with my head??

>How much would that total to? Okay, thank you.”

MIKE(same): What the-Kid, you haven’t bought anything yet!! One plus one equals zero!! End of story!! You better not hang up now or-

>“How much is it?” asked Hobbes, slurping a soda. “Over a thousand >dollars. But we’re fine, right?”
>“Yup.”
>Calvin thought for a moment. “You know, Hobbes, if we’re gonna be on a >plane for a while, we’re gonna need

CROW: Flaming torches and flowery hats?

>some food and stuff. And you know what that means….”

MIKE: Death to all that oppose The Great Calvin??

Hobbes face lit up. “Shopping spree!” they cheered.

TOM: NOOOO!!! Not more endless lists of things!!


>Chapter Eight: Fun With Stacks and Stacks of Cash or Ebay

CROW: Throwing stacks of cash at the Ebay building is apparently in with young people these days.

>Calvin and Hobbes woke up the next morning and tried to contain their >excitement.

TOM: But then their heads blew off.

>This lasted for about five seconds.
>“OBOY!! IT’S SHOPPING DAY!!!” yelled Calvin. Hobbes did a double >backflip with a twist.


MIKE: But, despite all this, Hobbes’s score was still not good enough for a bronze medal in the diving competition.

>“I’ll get all our money out of the bank” he said, and rushed off. >Calvin quickly dragged some cardboard boxes out of a back cabinet and >shoved some of their smaller items into it.
>Hobbes returned from the bank with many large stacks of cash. He dumped >them in a pile in the main room and panted. “I should have ordered a >delivery truck,” he wheezed.

CROW: No, Hobbes should have driven those armored vehicles that Calvin brought along!!


>Calvin pushed another box filled with stuff out and gaped at the money. >“How?” was the only thing he was able to say. “I have an incredible >ability to buy good stocks,”

TOM(Hobbes): And by stocks, I mean I mug stupid tourists at the zoo.

>said Hobbes after a pause. “Well, now we know we won’t run out. Good >work, ol’ buddy.”
>Hobbes looked at the boxes and checked them over.
>“Alarm clock, iHome, cutlery, pots, pans, cups, glasses,

MIKE: a burnt out light bulb, a bent paper clip, an empty jar of spaghetti sauce…

>dishes, bowls, plates,

TOM: An old car battery, tree bark, wire cutters…

>most of our toys, the bedsheets, your clothes…..heck, the list goes on >forever” said Hobbes with a whistle.
>“Yeah, I got a lot packed while you were gone. Say, are Fred Meyer, Game >Crazy, Toy Heaven, and DVD Land open yet?” Hobbes checked his phone.

CROW(Hobbes): Thank you, Mr. Plot hole!!


>“Yup.” “Cool, let’s go!”
>Calvin pulled on a jacket and picked up his phone. They walked out into >pouring rain and Calvin yanked out an umbrella from one of his various >pockets.

TOM: He also pulled out an Invisibility Cloak that he stole from a British kid with a scar on his forehead.

>Calvin flagged a taxi and checked his wallet. He had $5,316.

MIKE: Calvin or the taxi?
CROW: Yes.


>“Take us to Fred Meyer, then wait for us and go to Game Crazy, wait for >us,

TOM(Calvin): Then, after that, drive us to the Sears Robot Store!!
CROW: Woohoo!!


>then Toy Heaven, wait for us, and finally DVD Land,

MIKE: Drive off.
(TOM chuckles)

>wait for us and take us back here.” The taxi driver blinked.

TOM(stupid): Duuuuuh??


>“Umm, kid, how much stuff are you going to buy?” “Oh, at least $5,000 >worth” replied Calvin cheerfully.
>“It probably won’t fit in the car.” “No problem.”

MIKE(Calvin): I’ll just use this portable TARDIS that I packed along to carry items!!

>Calvin fiddled around with his phone as he explained, “I’ve been working >on inventing more,

CROW(Taxi Driver): Uh, listen kid, we really need to get going here, I haven’t got all day you know.

>and I have installed into my phone my one and only version of CalBox >1.0.” He pressed a button on the back and a small cardboard box unfolded >itself.

CROW(same): Yes, kid, that looks like it came from a sci-fi show. Now, will you please get in the taxi??

>“See, I was trying to fit a compartment into my phone one day, and I >reached my hand into the box feeling nothing but empty space.


CROW(same): Congratulations, you just blew every single law of physics to hell. Now please shut up.


>I accidentally dropped my screwdriver, and when I yelled at the box, >‘Give back my screwdriver!’

TOM: Butterflies came out.

>I groped around

(CROW opens his mouth)

MIKE: No way.

>in the box and it went right in my hand. It appeared I had discovered >some sort of…sub-dimension, let’s call it, with indefinite storage space >and an odd ability to return something if you call it.

CROW(Taxi Driver): Uh-huh, so when can I see the world implode and then blow up?

>It’s kinda confusing.” The driver just blinked a few more times and >said blankly,

TOM(Taxi Driver, monotone): I will not question why a six year old has that of device in the first place. I will instead drive them to their intended destinations and not off a cliff.

>“Okay, sure, get in.”
>Calvin put his phone back in his pocket (the CalBox folded itself back >up) and Hobbes walked in as well.

MIKE: Geez, soon Hobbes is going to be demoted to NPC peon status if this keeps up.


>The drive to Fred Meyer was uneventful, except for Calvin yelling

CROW: Worship Plartran!!

>“I’LL SUE YOU! LIAR! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M A GENIUS!!” outside at a >person who told a ‘dumb blond’ joke to his friend.
TOM: Sound familiar, Mike?


>The driver parked in a lot. “Here you are,” he said, opening the door. >“Thanks, man. Anything I can get ya?”

MIKE(Taxi Driver): Dignity.

>He paused. “A bag of potato chips. Extra salty.” “Right-o, let’s do >this thing, Hobbes.”
>The kid and tiger, armed with over 5,000 dollars and an indefinite >amount of storage space.

CROW: Died yesterday morning.

>Calvin and Hobbes pulled out their UltraPhones and put on some >headphones. They turned on the same song, “Ebay”, by Weird Al.
>Yeah.

TOM: This part’s really going to be stupid.

>They entered the store. Calvin pointed his fingers to the right and >left. “I’ll go this way and you go that way,” he said to Hobbes. He >nodded and pulled out his own $5000. “Bring it.”

MIKE(Calvin): I’ll take all of you on, sale-priced items!!

>A used pink bathrobe, a rare mint snowglobe,

CROW(Minnewegian): Oh, yah, Helen will just love these new chocolate snowglobes.
TOM(same): And they’re so cheap too, only 3.95 each, doncha know?

>Calvin scanned the aisles. He pulled out five packages of every kind of >Pop-Tart, about 10 boxes of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, and two boxes >of every other kind of sugary cereal. He looked at a cereal that had a >picture of a snowman on the cover, shrugged and tossed that in the cart >too.

MIKE: Never minding the fact that it contained 32 grams of LSD.


>A Smurf TV tray, I bought on Ebay.

MIKE: Hey, I have that same TV tray in my old house!
(BOTS stare at MIKE)
MIKE(sheepish): Well, not anymore, I sold it on Ebay of course. Heh…


>Hobbes was in the canned seafood aisle.

TOM: Devouring innocent shoppers.

>He grabbed a few cans of tuna, looked at the boxes that were stacked to >the ceiling, and piled half of them in. He shoved the cart overflowing >with tuna boxes into his HoBox

CROW: Hey, Mike, Can I get a HoBox??
MIKE: Not until you’re older.

>(which was just a CalBox with stripes painted on it) and went to the >front of the store to get another cart.

TOM: Meanwhile, children in third-world countries starve.

>My house is filled with this crap. Shows up in bubble wrap, most every >day.

TOM: One time, I somehow got a rabid spider monkey instead of an Elvis bobblehead!!

>What I bought on Ebay.
>Do you know that Calvin loved oatmeal cookies? He adores the things.

CROW: But he hates oatmeal. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

>But he absolutely hates raisins. So you can imagine what happened by >the cookie aisle.

MIKE: Calvin turned into a weasel?


>Tell me why I need another pet rock,

TOM: To throw at your neighbour’s annoying myna bird?

>tell me why I bought that elf alarm clock,

CROW: Because you have absolutely no taste?

>tell me why I bid on Shatner’s old toupee.

MIKE: Because you’re a 40 year old virgin who lives in his mom’s basement?

>They had it on Ebay.

ALL: Oh.

>Hobbes had just returned with another cart and was shoving the rest of >the tuna boxes in it when he heard a loud scream from across the store.

CROW: Mr. B Natural goes shopping.
TOM: AAAAAH!!

>“WHATTYA MEAN THERE’S ONLY OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES??!! WHERE IS IT >WRITTEN THAT OATMEAL COOKIES HAVE TO HAVE RAISINS?? HUH?! WHERE, BUB?!”

MIKE: Why it’s written in the constitution, Calvin. Second line after the word suckers.


>Hobbes smiled and shoved his second cart into his HoBox.

TOM(salesperson): Uh, excuse me, sir, but you can’t throw the grocery cart into another dimension. Sir? Sir-AUGGGGHH!! (ripping and growling noises)

>I’ll buy your knickknacks.

MIKE: But if you want me to buy your gadgets and doohickeys, that’ll cost extra.


>Just check my feedback. A++ they all say.

TOM: Of course they all forgot to mention the fact that every time you make a deal with me toxic gas comes out of your monitor, but oh well.

>They love me on Ebay.

CROW: And the ones that don’t die a horrible death!

>Once he had calmed down, Calvin ignored the oatmeal cookies and made up >for the loss of his precious oatmeal with an extra four boxes of >everything else. He gave the aisle one last check, and then remembered >to grab five things of Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, and Twinkies.

MIKE: Wow, this makes me want to go shopping for food.(beat)To give it to some charities.

>Gonna buy a slightly damaged golf bag.


CROW: Body Bag is a well known brand name around the world, right?

>Gonna buy some Beanie Babies new with tag, from some guy I’ve never met >in Norway.

MIKE: Named Dolly.

>Found him on Ebay.

TOM: I’m going to quit my job, sell my house and join The Church of Ebay!!

>Hobbes ordered a bunch of meat and more seafood. He snatched some >packages of ice cream cones and ice cream itself. Snapping his fingers, >he remembered to grab a Hot/Cold bag to keep it in. He got some >popsicles and various drinks preferred cold, and put them in also. He >grabbed the last Extra-presso Mocha Cream after scanning the ice cream >shelves a last time, just before a man in his upper thirties. Hobbes >stuck out his tongue and made stupid faces because the man couldn’t see >him. In a slouch, the guy walked away.

CROW(Guy): ‘Guess I’ll go jump off a bridge then.

>I am the type who is liable to snipe you

TOM: From a bell tower.

>with two seconds left to go, whoa.

MIKE(dramatic): By day, I am a 44 year old man who eats hot pockets and lives in his parents basement. But by night, I am Ebay Man, guardian of Ebay!!

>Calvin spent at the most a minute in the vegetable freezer area. He >picked some potatoes, carrots, and cauliflower. The fruit he spent a bit >more time in: enough to grab the last few melons of summer, bananas, and >various berries. He saw a guy with the last bag of extra-salty potato >chips and traded his $15 for it.

CROW Calvin was later arrested, for bartering without a permit is illegal in this state.

>Got PayPal or Visa, whatever’ll please ya, as long as I’ve got the >dough.

TOM: You see, I sold my soul to the devil on Ebay so I can always buy whatever I want there!!

>Hobbes chose five frozen pizzas, all with half anchovies half cheese.

MIKE: In fact, he pulled them out of thin air.

>On another aisle, he got six different types of noodles, and then 13 >packages of microwave burritos. Panting, he stopped for a rest,
>and then headed to where he would meet Calvin: the candy/gum aisle.

CROW: But, unfortunately, Calvin told Hobbes that they would meet in the medical aisle.

TOM: D’oh!

>I’ll buy your tchotchkes.

TOM: What about my baubles and trinkets?

>Sell me your watch please.

MIKE: No! Not my limited edition Snoopy watch!

>I’ll buy (I’ll buy, I’ll buy, I’ll buy….

CROW: The ability to buy stuff on Ebay is the only thing I have left!!

>Calvin snapped up 15 more bags of potato chips and dropped his second >cart into his CalBox. He grinned as he zipped to the front of the store.

TOM(Calvin, bored): Whee. Haha. Shopping is fun.

>To the candy!

CROW: To the candymobile, Candyman!!

>I’m highest bidder.

MIKE(schoolteacher): We’re all high bidders in this class, young man!!

>Hobbes was sidetracked by about seven cases of smoked salmon and a giant >box of cheese-filled crackers shaped like comic book characters.

TOM: Oh, come on! Now the story’s just making things up!!

>Junk keeps arriving in the mail, from that worldwide garage sale.

MIKE: See, I can use words other than Ebay.

>Calvin almost forgot the milk, bread, and soup, so he had to go off a >few aisles to get them, but soon he got lost.

CROW: Nothing like an excuse to pad out the story.

>He ended up in the pet section. He smirked as he got a great idea for a >prank on Hobbes. Now on his third cart, he reached for some rubber dog >toys.

TOM: Oh, I get it! With the dog toys Calvin is going to… um… and Hobbes will… yeah… I have no idea what’s going on right now.

>(Dukes of Hazzard ashtray) Hey, a Dukes of Hazzard ashtray. Oh yeah, I >bought it on Ebay.

CROW(frustrated): Yes, you can buy a great deal of useless crap on Ebay!! Now can we please move along with the plot!?

>Calvin and Hobbes finally reached the candy aisle. Calvin gave a “steak” >to Hobbes,

MIKE: In actuality, Calvin gave Hobbes a Squid Tentacles Eggplant And Ketchup platter.

>who bit into it gleefully only to spit it out when he found out it was >made of plastic. Calvin compensated for this by buying him about three >extra of his favorite Hershey’s Cookies and Cream candy bars.

TOM: Well, that led absolutely nowhere.

>Wanna buy a PacMan fever lunchbox.

CROW: Do you think Ebay would have vintage spinning tops??

>Wanna buy a case of vintage tube socks.

TOM: Do you think Ebay would have a piece of wood from the original production of Grease??

>Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre

MIKE: Do you think Ebay would have my old class ring??

>(used by Dr. Dre…hey).

MIKE: Of course they do.
ALL: It’s Ebay!!!

>Calvin almost forgot the snack crackers, and Hobbes ran to get them as >Calvin picked out the candy. He chose 30 mini M&M tubes, 25 M&M bags >(chocolate and peanut butter), 25 large Reese’s Pieces bags, 30 King >Size packs of Reese’s,

TOM: EEENDDD!! EEENDDD!!

>25 King Size packs of Kit Kats, 25 King Size regular Butterfingers and >Butterfinger Crisps (each), 30 packs of Razzapple Magic Fun Dip…..if I >listed all the candy, it’d take me about a week to write down it all.

CROW: Wolf, do the readers really need to know all of this??

>Wanna buy that Farrah Fawcet poster. Pez dispensers and a toaster.

MIKE: Of course, I have no idea why I’m even buying these things in the first place.


>Hobbes grabbed 30 bags of Nutter Butters, 16 jumbo party bags of >tortilla chips, a heck of a lot of guacamole dip, another cooler, >another Hot/Cold bag, and finally he rushed to the cash register to meet >Calvin.

CROW: Who was now in the baked goods aisle.

>Don’t know why that kind of stuff you’d throw away

TOM: You know, I think this song represents man’s desire to get everything that he can in life. People buy these stupid things to fill some kind of vacant hole in their lives because they basically have nothing to give their lives meaning!! It all…still does not make sense now.

>I’ll buy on Ebay.

CROW(Cranky old man): You kids and your gosh darned Ebays!! Back in my day, if you wanted useless items you’d just stick your hand in the gutter and get something for free every time!!


>Calvin pooled his and Hobbes’ money and bought all their stuff. The guy >working the cash register stared after them and their mountainous pile >of food and bags and a cooler. Calvin and Hobbes laughed and gave each >other a high five as they exited the store through a automatic door.

MIKE(Calvin): Awesome!! We just broke somebody’s brain!!


>What I bought on Ebay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

TOM: Hey, Wolf, the fanfic’s skipping!! Wolf?

>Calvin handed the taxi driver his potato chips. “Here ya go, my man. >Enjoy.” “Thanks, kid,”
>Calvin and Hobbes settled down in the back of the taxi. “Whew!” What a…” >Calvin checked his watch. “…two and a half hours.

CROW: Don’t you mean, two and half days??

Wow, it’s only ten. To Game Crazy, driver!”

(TOM starts crying)

MIKE: It’s okay Tom.

>Around 5:30 p.m., the kid and tiger collapsed on their beds. “Well, at >least we got our shopping done” commented Hobbes as his sides heaved. >“Yeah” gasped Calvin.

CROW(Hobbes): Hey, I wonder what happened to all the stuff that we bought today??


>The day ended well, watching late-night TV shows until they fell fast >asleep.
>Hobbes woke up in the middle of the night on the couch. He felt as if >someone was watching him….

TOM(Wolf of Silver Dawn): Hobbes, I have come to demote you to the rank of NPC peon!!

MIKE(Hobbes): NOOOOO!!


>He sat upright with a jolt and saw two eyes, brown, glittering at him >from the room.

CROW(Hobbes): Oh, it’s just my brown eyed girl.


>His green eyes shot open and he shook Calvin. The kid snorted and >grunted, “What, Hobbes?”
>“It’s Ertussher!” the tiger hissed as the menacing figure lurched >closer.

TOM(excited): There he is!! There he is!! Hi, Uncle Joe!!

>A/N: Cliffhanger! Calvin's "oatmeal raisin cookie" rant is mainly based >off of me whenever I go cookie shopping...where is it written, hmm?

MIKE: In a pyramid on Papyrus??

>Two more chapters and then the sequel.

CROW: Waaah!! Yeeha!! Waaah!! Yeeha!!

>I hope you guys liked this story and continue to like it as I finish it >off with a car chase, a wacky plane ride,

MIKE: And a special performance by N’Sync!!

and two new characters that introduce the sequel.

(MIKE picks up TOM)

TOM: And stay tuned for our salute to Uncle Joe!!

[EXIT THEATER]
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE]

(A stand has been set up to the right. On the stand is a poster with Joe’s mug shot on it and the words JOE “UNCLE JOE” ERTUSSHER 1975-2009. TOM is in front of the stand, MIKE and CROW are standing to the far left. MIKE and CROW start singing the “Doughy guys” song from Ep. 522 TEENAGE CRIME WAVE only they replace the words Doughy guys with Uncle Joe.)

TOM: Uncle Joe was born as Joseph Ertussher on May 19, 1975 to a not so proud Alstarla Jameston. A couple of days later, he was sent off to his father, Davin Ertussher, with a note reading “You did it.” Little is known is known about his childhood years, but we don’t really care about those years anyway.

Joe later joined a gang and on his 14th birthday, was assigned to break in to a house alone and steal valuables. He then quit the gang to move on to bigger and better things, like robbing mansions. So, then he killed some people, did some stuff and he got thrown in jail.

During his jail time the Derkins family came to visit him, I don’t really know why, so Joe thought he must be related to them. He then escaped from jail and well, you know the rest. One night, Joe finally managed to kill Calvin & Hobbes. He then escaped to Miami where he was later beaten to death by a vicious gang of old ladies, known as The Gray Falcons, when he tried to break in to their meeting place. That concludes the biography of Uncle Joe.

(TOM and CROW switch places, TOM starts singing.)

CROW: Now, I, Crow T.Robot, will read one of my very own poems.

TOM(sarcastic): Oh, boy.

CROW: Shut up. Ahem.

U is for the unusual fact that you oftentimes appear, get arrested, and come back for no reason at all.

N is that you never manage to succeed in what you’re doing, unless it involves breaking out of jail.

C is for the fact that you’re a cool guy, Joe. Hey, you know who else would have been a cool guy? Calvin after you froze him! Haha!!

TOM: That was lame, Crow.

CROW: You dickweed! Why I oughta-

MIKE: Settle down, guys. Crow, continue reading.

L is for no matter what you do, in the author’s eyes, you will always be portrayed as a loser, but we still love you.

E is I don’t know, I guess it could be eternally destined to lose.

J is for the great joy you bring us every time we see your name on screen.

O is for your only job as the main antagonist of this fanfic.

And finally, E is for the excellent work you do to maintain the fanfic’s conflict. Thank you, all but thank you to Uncle Joe especially for making this all possible. Well, goodbye.

(This time, CROW switches places with MIKE.)

MIKE: Thank you, everyone. Please, hold your applause. Now everyone, we all know that Uncle Joe’s a great guy, and I’m gonna let you finish cheering for him in just a sec, but in this fanfic, Calvin & Hobbes are the greatest characters of all time!

(SONG stops abruptly)

BOTS(angrily): What?!

MIKE I never really saw what all the fuss was about for him. I mean, it’s true that he’s the only conflict in an otherwise conflictless story but-

BOTS: Get him!!

(BOTS jump on MIKE, sounds of fighting can be heard.)

(The yellow light begins blinking, the fighting continues until fade out.)

[COMMERCIAL SIGN]
[ENTER THEATER]

>Chapter Nine: To Pennsylvania or Big Time


MIKE: Shouldn’t that be, To Pennsylvania or Bust?

>Calvin blinked, and looked at the hulking figure in the doorway, it’s >eyes flaming. He whipped out his Transmogrifyer Gun and zapped him. He >quickly turned into a cockroach. “Now, why didn’t I think of that >earlier?” he wondered as he chucked the cockroach out the window.

(stunned silence)

CROW: On the count of 3. 1…2…

ALL: WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!


>Why did Calvin turn him into a cockroach?

TOM(crying): Because the author wanted to make this story boring again?

>I don’t know.

(TOM wails loudly)


>But it was the first mistake that would make problems in his life >later.
>Hobbes turned to look at his friend slowly. “You-had-that-thing-this->whole-time-AND YOU NEVER CHANGED HIM INTO A RANDOM LIVING THING??!!”

CROW: See, Tom? Even Hobbes didn’t like that decision!

(TOM sniffles)

>Hobbes pounced Calvin, and they fought for a few minutes until Calvin >said, “You do know we have to get up at 5:30 in the morning?”
>Hobbes stopped beating Calvin’s head on the wall and thought for a >moment. “Oh, yeah. Okay, fight paused until further notice.”

MIKE: Until Calvin & Hobbes get on the plane?

>They went back to sleep. Far below, on the pavement, a cockroach with a >highly advanced brain crawled under a hole-riddled bucket. His tiny >insect eyes waited slowly for the morning…

TOM: That way he could get squished faster.

>The moving van came on Thursday at 5:30 in the morning. Calvin helped >the worker load up the truck. He looked up at the abandoned building >where the kid lived.


CROW(worker): I used to live there, but then a bunch of talking ducks kicked me out.

MIKE: Huh?



>“I thought that nobody lived there anymore,” he said when asked about >the state of it. Calvin shrugged. “Well, when you live alone, it’s >better than living off the streets.”
>The guy opened his mouth like he was about to ask a question, but Calvin >walked away, whistling. Then he yelled to Hobbes, who was waiting by the >window, “Hey! Fuzzball! Let down the TV!” to which Hobbes yelled back, >“Make me!”
>Ah, déjà vu.

TOM: Of what? Another fanfic?

>Calvin hopped on one foot, patted his head and rubbed his tummy, all the >while singing, “Tigers are great! Tigers rock the world! Tigers are >vicious! They’re totally cool!”

MIKE: Tigers are also really bad songwriters.

>As the box dropped down with the TV in it, Calvin shouted up to Hobbes, >“THAT DOESN’T EVEN RHYME!!!”
>The worker slapped his hand to his forehead and took the TV from Calvin, >putting it in a large box that was padded on the inside with Styrofoam >and those bubble thingies that you can pop.

CROW: You will CHEER during the UPLIFTING packing the TV scene!!

>“Alrighto, that’s the last load. So do I pay you now, or when we get to >our destination?” Just in case, Calvin pulled out his wallet and >fingered a $1,000 bill.

TOM: Hey! That’s counterfeit!! Calvin and Hobbes are trying to rip the guy off!! I demand that the police arrest them!!

>“When I get to Pennsylvania and the place where you’ll live,” replied >the worker, and then he saluted Calvin,

MIKE: Who is apparently an important person in the world now.
>hopped into the moving van, and drove off.
>Calvin grinned. “Now all we have to do is get a ride to the airport.”

CROW(Calvin): Via transportation tube!!

>Calvin walked inside and yelled at Hobbes, “Get your backpack, we’re >leaving!”
>As Calvin called Lucas to pick him up, a brown thing huddled under a >bunch of boxes labeled “Bed” and “Computer”, waiting to arrive in >Pennsylvania. He wasn’t going to get tired.
>For this insect, his victims weren’t suspecting him at all. He had a
>long time to plot….

MIKE: But then he got smushed when the TV box landed on him.


>Calvin and Hobbes grabbed their backpacks and rushed into Lucas’ taxi. >“To the airport, Lukey! And step on it!” he yelled. Lucas raised his >eyebrows. “Lukey?”

TOM(Calvin): That’s what I call all my servants.


>Calvin shrugged. “You needed a weird nickname so I could yell the famous >‘And step on it!’ phase.”
>Lucas rolled his eyes.
>The drive was uneventful for exactly three minutes, 27 seconds. Then >Calvin casually looked out the rearview window.

CROW(Calvin, casual): Hmm, there’s about 500 guys pointing guns at us. Good to know.

>“Um…Luke?” “Yeah, Calvin?” “I’d say a Code Omigosh-there’s-a-creepy->dude-with-a-mask-driving-past-the-speed-limit- behind-us.”

MIKE: Wait, what? How did Ertussher detransform and get a car so fast?


>Lucas looked out the rearview window too. Behind them was a red Volvo >and the guy driving wore a black ski mask. “Woah, so there is. Car chase >mode!”

CROW(singing, to the tune of the Batman theme) o/ na,na,na,na,na,na, Car chase! /o

>He pressed a button. The average taxi quickly shifted into a sleek, fast >little sports car with yellow and black on its side and a little “Cab” >sign on the top.
>Calvin and Hobbes didn’t know this, of course. So they simply raised >their eyebrows at each other. Then they tumbled against their seats as >they shot over the roads. “YOWZA!! THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!!!” screamed >Calvin.

TOM(Calvin): Yes, we probably just endangered the lives of several innocent civilians all to get away from a guy who is probably out running errands. Pedal to the metal, Luke!!



>But the chaser just went faster. Soon Lucas was moving swiftly through >the cars on the freeway, going back and forth between lanes, and soon >the chaser fell behind. “Yeah!” cheered Hobbes.


MIKE(Hobbes): We ruined many people’s commutes today!! Woohoo!!



>A few minutes later they pulled into the airport. Calvin looked at the >time on his phone. “OMIGOSH WE’RE GONNA BE LATE!! COME ON, HOBBES!!”

CROW(Calvin): Zydeco Jam is playing!! Let’s go!!


>Hobbes grabbed his backpack and rushed out.
>Calvin waved to Lucas. “Bye, man. We had some good times.”
>Lucas grinned. “Ah, so we did. Enjoy Pennsylvania, Cal.”
>Hobbes looked at his phone as they darted inside the airport. “Calvin, >we’re not late, it’s 7:00!”
>“Yes, but I’m hungry, and I want to pick up a Missouri souvenir.”

TOM: What about all the post 9-11 security stuff? Don’t Calvin and Hobbes have go through all that first?

CROW: Maybe 9-11 never happened in this universe.

MIKE: We can only hope.



>Hobbes rolled his eyes.
>They ate a good greasy breakfast at a McDonalds.

TOM: And died of a heart attack 20 minutes later.

>Calvin stopped by a store and bought a shirt that said,

MIKE: I Don’t Work For Plot Holes…They Work For Me.


>“I Left My Butt in Missouri….But It Grew Back.” Hobbes was eternally >grateful that there wasn’t a picture on the shirt.
>They spent the next 10 minutes trying to find their gate number.

TOM(Calvin, stupid): We have to go to Gate…Red??

CROW(Hobbes, stupid): Why do they call them Airbuses?? I thought they were planes?


>“The flight from Moberly, Missouri nonstop to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania >will take off from gate B26” a feminine voice announced over a >microphone.

MIKE(falsetto): And will everyone just please shut the hell up?!? (cheery) Have a nice day!


>Hobbes looked at the sign over their heads: they were in gate A. Calvin >looked at a map of the airport. “Good, we’ve just gotta go down that >hallway and keep walking” he said.
>Then the feminine voice appeared again: “Correction: the flight from >Moberly, Missouri nonstop to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania will take off from >gate Z26.”

TOM(falsetto voice): And are all your refrigerators running?


>Hobbes groaned.
>30 minutes later, the feminine voice spoke again: “Correction: the >flight from Moberly, Missouri nonstop to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania will >take off from gate G26.”

CROW(falsetto voice): Do any of you have Prince Albert in a can? We are trying to find him.


>Calvin’s face turned red and Hobbes growled before taking off yet >again.
>As they just reached gate G, the dreaded voice spoke again. “Correction: >the flight from Moberly, Missouri nonstop to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania >will take off from gate C26.” “Sheesh, you sound like my mother!” >grumbled Calvin as they kept running.


MIKE: Yeah, Calvin’s mom always babbled on about gate changes for flights to Pennsylvania.


>Yes, I’m through torturing them for a while.

CROW: But, are you through torturing us?


>The two finally slumped down in two chairs; it was 8:29. The ticket->checker at the entrance to the plane quickly called out,

TOM(ticket-checker, loud, stupid voice): What’s a plane?!?!

>“May all First Class passengers and disabled persons please board the >plane.”
>They jumped up and darted to get in line. Calvin got his ticket checked >with a queer look from the checker

CROW( checker,Mr.Herbert voice): So, do you like popsicles?


>because he was arguing with Hobbes at the time. They found their seats >and leaned back, sighing contentedly.
>Hobbes fingered the seat dial. “I wonder how far these things can go >back?” As if in answer, Calvin yanked his and then he was completely on >his back until the passenger behind him told him to pull up.

TOM: Calvin didn’t hear the voice and the passenger slowly suffocated to death.


>They pulled out some comic books and read until a voice rang out, “This >is your captain speaking.

MIKE(captain): We won’t be taking off yet because the nose wheel feels mushy.


>We are preparing for takeoff. Please store all items in you compartment >under the seat in front of you or in the above baggage storage.”
>They shoved their comics back in their bag and mashed their faces out >the window. They had never been in a plane before.

TOM: They also had never been pushed out of a plane 3,000 feet off the ground before either. But, that was all going to change.


>The plane was going slowly onto the runway and when it was fully on the >runway, it stopped. Then it revved u and picked up speed until they were >zooming across the ground. “Wheee!” cheered Calvin as they launched into >the air.

CROW: Rats, said Calvin as the plane’s engines exploded for no reason.

>Not that far off the ground, the captain said, “We have reached an >altitude of 3,000 feet. Passengers may now use electronic devices.
>Calvin plugged some headphones into a radio installed into the arm of >his chair and switched to an alternative/rock station. He grinned as the >radio switched from a commercial break to the song “Big Time” by Peter >Gabriel.

MIKE(Calvin, stupid): Huhhuhhuh, music is fun.

>Hobbes plugged into the same station.
>Hi there.

ALL: Hello!

>Calvin pulled out his UltraPhone to play a game. His eyes steadily got >wider as he made it through five levels. He was just about to finish a >set of missions when he was interrupted by an “Incoming Call” message >that flashed across the screen.

TOM(Calvin): I don’t see why cellphones were ban-OH MY GOD!! THE PLANES SPEEDING TOWARDS THE EARTH!! AAAAAH!!!

>I’m on my way and I’m making it. I’ve got to make it show, yeah.

CROW(falsetto): Uh-huh, but that’s not getting the basement painted, is it?

>Hobbes was reading his comic book when he dozed off. He began to have a >dream that he was fighting against another tiger that was roaring >viciously.

MIKE: So, Hobbes must be at the San Diego Zoo then.

>He struck it across the face once, twice, three times. Then he turned >and clawed the side of its face and kicked it in the stomach.

CROW(Hobbes, mobster): And dat’s for not coming up wit da money!!

>So much larger than life. I’m gonna watch it growing, hey hey hey >heyyyy.

MIKE Poor dope’s excited about watching his salt garden grow. You think we should tell him?
CROW: Well, he sounds so happy! Just leave him be.



>Calvin grumbled loudly and when the person who had called him got >through, he yelled,

(TOM makes a sound similar to the trumpet guy in Hellcats.)

>“WHADDOYA THINK YOU’RE DOING, INTERRUPTING MY PRIVATE LIFE WITH YOUR >STUPID CALLS!! WELL YOUR MOTHER HAD XXXXXXXXXXXL PANTS!!”

MIKE(timid voice): Uh, I just wanted a cheeseburger. Hello?

>Around that part of his rant, Hobbes turned and started to claw him, >and kicked him too. “YOW!! HOBBES, QUIT IT!!” Calvin screamed away from >the phone. Hobbes was jolted awake when Calvin shook him. Then the crazy >kid turned back to the phone and screamed, “I HOPE YOU DIE OF MAD COW >DISEASE, YOU FREAK!!”

MIKE(same): So, this isn’t a Jack In A Box?


>Hobb es scratched his head. “Calvin, I had the weirdest dream! Another >tiger was attacking me! What do you think it means?”

CROW: Sex?

>Calvin rubbed his stomach, where he had been kicked, and shouted, “IT >MEANS YOU’RE NEVER DOZING OFF NEAR ME, AGAIN!!” and then turned off his >phone.

TOM: Well, I bet the other passengers are enjoying their nice, quiet flight.

>The place where I come from is a small town.

MIKE: So that’s why I took the midnight train going anywhere.

>Calvin was bored, and soon switched to one of his multiple fantasies.

CROW: About dinosaur Martians with jetpacks that blow up planets.


>‘Spaceman Spiff is being held captive by the dreaded Hobbeslar!’

TOM: Any relation to Kimar and Voldar?
CROW: More like, any relation to Dropo.


>thought Calvin as he slowly unbuckled his seatbelt.
>They think so small, they use small words.

MIKE: Well, that’s what you get when you live in a town full of Neanderthals.

>Hobbes pulled out a comic book and casually raised a hand to flip the >light switch. Calvin’s eyes bulged. ‘Our hero sees the Hobbeslar reach >to press the button to call the guards! Spiff must contact his allies!’

TOM(Calvin/Spiff): Oops, I forgot that they were all captured by other evil aliens!! Silly me.


>But not me, I’m smarter than that. I’ve worked it out.

CROW: Two plus two does equal five!!


>Hobbes was just about to press the button when a voice screamed,

TOM(Samuel L. Jackson): I’m tired of these monkeyfighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!!
(MIKE looks at TOM)
TOM: I had to use the TV version. This MSTing’s rated PG.

>“SPACEMAN SPIFF JUMPS THROUGH THE AIR!!” and Calvin began to press the >Call Attendant button like crazy. A stewardess walked over and began to >say, “May I hel—”

TOM(stewardess): May I help you go to hell?



>“THANK GOODNESS!! IT’S SPIFF’S TRUSTY CO-PILOT, STEWARD!! QUICK, STEW, >FIRE THE PHASERS!!!”

CROW(Calvin/Spiff): Fanfic, Warp 5!!


>Calvin sprang for the cart but Hobbes pulled him back in time and locked >him back into his seat. Turning to the flustered stewardess, he >apologized, “He’s been closed up for a while.”

MIKE(Hobbes): We tried locking him in the basement, but that didn’t go over well.


>The poor stewardess went back, not hearing Hobbes.
>I’ll be stretching my mouth to let those big words come right out.

MIKE: My cousin did that once and all she got was a sore jaw.

>Calvin then contented himself with staring out the window for a while. >He looked down at multiple cities, countrysides, and golf courses.

CROW: Calvin can apparently change the view from the plane window.


>I’ve had enough. I’m getting out.

TOM: So I slaughtered tons of people. What did I have to go to jail for anyway?


>Hobbes turned a movie on and watched it for a while, then switched it to >Bugs Bunny. He roared with laughter at an episode that contained >hilarious jokes, dynamite, and falling anvils.


MIKE: And a special guest appearance by the Backstreet Boys.

>To the city. The big big city.
>Calvin fell asleep and has some pretty vivid dreams. He woke up >screaming.

CROW(Calvin): AAAH!! I dreamt I was on an airplane bound for Pennsylvania with an anthromorphic ti-(beat) NOOOO!!!!


>I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys.


CROW(bored): Generic gay sex riff.
MIKE:Wow.


>Hobbes read the Sky Mall magazine and ordered everything he thought was >cool. On the address art, he just wrote down, “Look for a house with >black and orange stripes.”

TOM: And flaming chainsaws and bloody pendulums.


>Hobbes is kind of a narcissist, isn’t he?
>So much stuff I will own.

MIKE: Ok, I get it! You have the world’s largest collection of things! Now, please shut up.


>Calvin was bored again, so he started to recite his own pledge of >allegiance. “I pledge allegiance to sugary cereal, and sticking my >tongue out.

CROW(Calvin): And disobeying adults everywhere.


>And to the tigers, for which it stands; one nation, under me, >indestructible, with

TOM: Plot holes and endless lists of things for all?


>junk food and parties for me.”

TOM: Oh.

>And I will pray to a big god as I kneel in a big church.


MIKE: And get to go to a big hell with big people suffering big time!



>Hobbes called a steward and bugged Calvin until he asked for a soda. >Hobbes got a full can of Coke to try and keep him awake. He hadn’t >forgotten what Calvin said.


TOM: Not to drink Coke after midnight or Hobbes’ll turn into a polar bear?


>Normally he would do it just to spite the kid. But this time he wanted >to stay up.
>Big time; I’m on my way and I’m making it big time.

CROW: I’m going to change my name to Big McLargehuge!!

>Calvin turned and asked Hobbes, “What would happen if somebody broke the >plane window?”


TOM: Why, a wacky adventure of mythical proportions would occur!


>Hobbes shrugged. Calvin pulled out his phone and searched, “Broken >plane window.” All he got

MIKE: Was some crappy garage band.


>were a bunch of entries on YouTube. He shrugged back at Hobbes and
>watched videos for a while.
>Big time; I’ve got to make it show, yeah, big time.

CROW: I’m stuck in the biggest traffic jam ever big time. But, that’s okay because I get to show off my big, big, brand-new car!!


>Soon it was time for lunch. The stewards and –esses brought menus to >each passenger

TOM(snooty waiter): Welcome to Café de la Plane. Our specials today are mystery meat and more mystery meat. We are out of everything else. Terribly sorry, sir.



and asked if they wanted a drink. Calvin ordered a grilled cheese >sandwich with tomato soup and a Sprite, and a ham sandwich for Hobbes.
>The stewardess wondered why he wanted two sandwiches, because, of >course, she couldn’t see Hobbes like Calvin did, but she remembered the >most important rule: The customer is always right.

CROW: She should really visit NotAlwaysRight.com.


>So she simply nodded and walked off.
>Big time; so much larger than life.

TOM: I’m more popular than the President simply because I have a big house? Whatta country!


>Hobbes was polishing his claws when their meals came. He dug into his >ham sandwich as soon as the stewardess had left. Calvin dunked his >entire sandwich into his soup and ate it. Then he shoved his whole face >into it and made loud slurping noises.

MIKE: Ah, yes, this is the kid that is going become an important part of society someday.


>Big time; I’m gonna watch it growing, big time.

CROW: Does this guy have anything better to do than watch his stocks grow?


>Calvin watched two episodes of the Simpsons on his UltraPhone, and then >went, “DA, DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!!!” into the air >conditioner/heat vent.

TOM: Is this a multiple choice quiz? Which one do I pick?

>Meanwhile, a dude was trying to straighten out a piece of metal >somewhere above Calvin’s seat, and “DA, DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA >DA!!!” rang out and blasted him full off his feet.

ALL: Wah,wah,wah…


>He grumbled and continued working.
>Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh.

MIKE: Lyrics by some people about to fall off an edge of a cliff.

>Hobbes said to Calvin, “I think we should write down all the things >we’re going to do once we get to Pittsburgh.” Calvin nodded and pulled >out some paper.

CROW(Calvin): First of all, lets hit the clubs!


>My parties have all the big names, and I greet them with the whitest >smile.

TOM: ‘Course they’re all blind afterwards, but, hey, it’s fun.


>“Let’s see”, Calvin thought, “How about, ‘Go tobogganing until brains >fall out of ears’,

MIKE(Calvin): Take over world with giant laser gun.


>‘Try and invent a whole buncha random stuff’

CROW(Calvin): Enter a hot dog eating contest and bribe the judges to win.


>and ‘Drown myself in comic books.’

TOM(Calvin): Bury the entire city of New York in marbles.

>I mean seriously, we’ve got like half a million dollars in there.”
>Tell them how my life is one big adventure

CROW: At Six Flags!!

>Hobbes wrote down, ‘Have a seafood feast’,

TOM(Hobbes): Eat an entire fancy restaurant full of people.


>‘Buy that Guitar Hero game I’ve always wanted’

CROW(Hobbes): Enter a Guitar Hero tournament and viciously maul the competition.


>and ‘Never go on one of Calvin’s crazy time trips again.’

MIKE(Hobbes): Eat an entire pound of butter.


>And always they’re amazed when I show them ‘round my house to my bed.

TOM: ‘Course nobody really remembers what happens after that.


>Calvin asked for today’s newspaper when a stewardess came by, and he >looked at the sports section. Hobbes raised an eyebrow. “I thought you >didn’t like sports.” “Don’t like playing them. Watching them, however, >is fine.”

CROW(Calvin): Participating in the various drunken brawls, however, is tons of fun!!


>He scanned the pages and said, “Hey, the Steelers play next Saturday. >Wanna go?” “Sure” replied Hobbes, chowing down on a tuna sandwich.

MIKE(Hobbes): I like to watch big, sweaty men pile on top of each other!


>“Any excuse to pig out and get hyper is fine for me.”
>I had it made like a mountain range with a snow white pillow for my big >fat head.

TOM(Homer Simpson): Yeah, well, you need that pillow for your big, fat-Oh, wait.

>Calvin pulled out his laptop and played games on the internet. He gave >Hobbes a blow-by-blow commentary,

CROW: EW! That’s disgusting!
MIKE: Crow!


>whether he liked it or not. “Gaah! Meep! HA HA, TAKE THAT!!

TOM(Calvin): Zap! BOOM! Hai-Keeba!!

>Yaah! Blam, and you’re dead! Ho-ya! Slam bam bambadoo BASH!!
/
TOM(same): Barrel, Barrel, Barrel, KA-BOOM!!


>BWAH HA HA!!!” “SHUT UP!!” Hobbes screamed. Calvin rolled his eyes. >“Fine, Mr. No Fun.”

CROW: Ah, yes, the redheaded stepchild of the Fun family.


>And my heaven will be a big heaven, and I will walk through the front >door.

MIKE: Though for some reason, my God will be a tiny God.


>Hobbes read a comic book

TOM: It’s a graphic novel!!

>and his eyes widened at many different points. At one time, he dropped >dead away.

MIKE: Hobbes must’ve been reading Superman at Earth’s End.


>Calvin grinned nastily and pulled out a kit from his bag.

CROW: I smell wacky hijinks approaching! Oh, wait, that’s just Mike.
MIKE: Hey!


>He took out some gross-looking stuff in two bottles and a feather. He >then smeared the contents of one on Hobbes’ hand, and used the feather >to tickle his nose. Like all those TV shows,

TOM: Hobbes woke up and said a ridiculous catchphrase.
MIKE(Hobbes): We’re all out of toner!


>Hobbes slapped himself and smeared gunk all over his face. His eyes >blinked open and he stared at his hand. “Sorry, ol’ buddy, but that >sandwich I ate was tainted” said Calvin with a smirk. “Nonsense, this is >your fake barf.” “No…” Calvin held up the other bottle. “This is my fake >barf.”

CROW(Calvin): Your fake barf is under the seat cushion.



>Hobbes’ eyes bulged and he let out a scream as he raced for the >bathroom. Calvin grinned and said, “Always buy fake barf in pairs.”

TOM(announcer): This has been a message from The Calvin Company reminding you to always prank your friends!



Big time; I’m on my way I’m making it big time.

CROW: I’ve moved up from living in a telephone booth to a refrigerator box!


>Hobbes promptly beat up Calvin after he washed the stuff from his hands >and face. I have to say he deserved it this time.

MIKE: So, pulling annoying pranks gives you the right to be beaten up by people?



>Big time; I’ve got to make it show, yeah, big time.

TOM: I now own my very own shopping cart!


>Calvin started singing quietly. “Ten billion nine hundred ninety-nine >million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine >bottles of beer on the wall,

TOM(crying): No, Wolf, we’ll do anything you say! Just make Calvin stop singing!



>ten billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine >thousand nine hundred ninety-nine bottles of beer,

CROW(weakly): You will LAUGH during the SIDE-SPLITTING song sequence!
TOM(sadly): Ha,ha,ha…



>take one down, pass it around, ten billion nine hundred ninety-nine >million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-eight >bottles of beer!”

MIKE: Anybody bring a magazine or something?
BOTS: Nope.

>Joy.

TOM: Noun: Feelings of great happiness or pleasure, especially of an elevated or spiritual kind.

>This is gonna take a while.
>Big time; so much larger than life.

MIKE: I now eat food from McDonalds instead of a garbage can!



>Hobbes slurped another soda and checked his stocks. His sunglasses >popped right off his face.

CROW(Hobbes): Why didn’t anybody tell me about this stock market crash!?


>“Holy crow!

CROW: You called?

>I’d better take that online gambling class.” Calvin broke out of his >song to scream in Hobbes’ ear, “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PLAY ONLINE >POKER!!!” “Fine” grumbled Hobbes. “But I am going to invest in better >stocks.”

MIKE(Hobbes): Like slot machines.


>Big time; I’m gonna watch it growing, big time.

TOM(angry): Look, I don’t care how many magic beans you bought; they’re not going to sprout into a beanstalk!


>An attendant’s voice echoed throughout the plane. “Attention passengers. >We have now arrived in Pennsylvania.” Calvin and Hobbes’ heartbeats >quickened with excitement and they pressed their noses up against the >window.

(CROW makes whimpering and scratching noises.)

>Big time; my car’s getting bigger, big time.

MIKE(singing)o/Big time; My car repair bill has quadrupled, big time\o

>Cars were like ants, people were like specks, and houses were like….

TOM: Sausages.

>sub sandwiches. Hobbes admired the sunset, and Calvin admired a giant >pool and hot dog stand in somebody’s yard.
>Big time; my house’s getting bigger, big time.

CROW(singing): o/ Big time; the bank foreclosed my house, big time. o/


>Calvin was still singing. He was down to ten billion nine hundred >ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-three thousand six hundred >forty-five. Lordy.

TOM(Black Southern Woman): Would you folks like some pancakes?

>Big time; my eyes’re getting bigger, big time.

MIKE(singing): o/ Big time; I can barely see out of them, big time.o/

>Hobbes was having daydreams of seafood platters and himself as the king >of all big cats. Seriously, is that all he thinks about?

TOM: Well, no. Hobbes actually thinks about the philosophy of the human spirit from time to time.


>And my mouuuth…

CROW: Actually, that’s getting smaller.


>Calvin had to shake Hobbes to wake him up. A small line of drool was >dripping from between his canines. “Look, Hobbes!” The airport was >coming up.

MIKE: In fact, the plane crashed right through the airport window.


>Big time; my dinner’s getting bigger, big time.

TOM(singing): o/ Big time; I’m morbidly obese now, big time.o/


>Calvin began to shove a whole bunch of stuff back into his bag. Hobbes >did too and soon there was the attendant again, saying, “Please turn off
>all electronic devices and put them away, thank you.”

TOM(attendant, cheery): or you’ll die!


>Big time; and my bank account, big time.

MIKE: o/ Big time; my bank account got hacked, big time.o/

>Hobbes was imitating the voice by mouthing the words and flapping his >paws. His eyes rolled skyward and he accidentally slapped himself. >Calvin slapped him then, and they both started slapping each other.

TOM: The flying elves must be attacking them.


>They’re like brothers, aren’t they?
>Look at my circumstance, big time.

CROW(outraged): I’d rather not! (beat)(normal) Oh. You meant your circumstance.

>The plane gently slid into the runway and taxied over to the docking >area. Calvin and Hobbes grabbed their suitcases and walked out into the >airport, just as the attendant said, “Thank you for flying Northeast >Airlines.”

MIKE(Attendant): It’s been 72 days without a plane crash!


>And the bulge in my big big big big big big big big big big big big big >big big big…

TOM: We’re stuck in an endless time loop, NOOO!!

>Calvin and Hobbes stared at the airport, grinned at each other, and hit >a high-five.

MIKE: I can’t wait for this chapter to end. Feels like it’s been going on forever.

>Hi there.

CROW: NOOO!! The chapter’s starting over, Mike!
TOM(panicked): Do something! Do something!
(BOTS start crying)
MIKE: Ssh, guys, it’s okay, it’s just the end of the song.


They were free.

TOM: But, as soon as they walked out into the airport, they were caught by a more competent police force and sent back to their parents.


>A/N: Okay, what’s up with the review system?

CROW: Uh, it needs to be plugged in?

>I’m not going to get all hissy on everyone, but please, if you read the >story please review it.

MIKE: Well, I guess this could count as a review.

>I love constructive criticism,

(ALL cheer)


>and of course compliments, if my story deserves them, are always nice, >but if you flame I will track you down and eat you.

TOM(Wolf of Sliver Dawn, booming voice): I grind flamers bones to make my bread!


>If you don’t like the story, well, then, why the heck are you reading >it?

MIKE: ‘Cause we’re forced to.
CROW: Yeah, or Pearl will take away our oxygen if we don’t.


>Don’t say random junk like, “I hate it”, because you’re not offering me >any advice or telling me why you hate it. Every writer likes reviews, >and come on, this story has ten chapters and FREAKING NINE REVIEWS!! >Honestly, I see fics with six chaps

TOM: Gee, I didn’t know that fanfics rode horses.

>and around 15 reviews, and I update this pretty often!

CROW: Welcome to life. Lesson 1: Life isn’t fair. Deal with it.

>Okay, ranting’s over. I am really proud that City Slickers has made it
>so far,

(There is a rumbling sound in the theater.)

Mst3kluv(off-screen): Likewise, I’m really proud that this Msting made it this far. Especially after I took 3 months off from it due to-

CROW: Save it for the director’s commentary, pal.

>and I’ll stick with it to the end, unless I decide to rewrite it. >Surprise: Calvin sings karaoke.

MIKE: Oh, no! Now there’s going to be bad singing in this fanfic!
ALL: AUUUUUUUGHHH!!


>Be sure to stick around for the sequel, folks, introducing two more >main characters and a suspense plot.

TOM(announcer): And a brand-new car!!


>Chapter Ten: A New Beginning or Time of Your Life

MIKE: You can decide with TimeShare!!


>Calvin gaped at the massive airport. Hobbes admired a tiger painting on >the west wall. “We’re here, Hobbes! I can’t believe it! Now mom and dad >will never catch us!”
>“Mmm-hmm.”

CROW(Calvin): AAAH! There’s a big meteor heading towards us!
TOM(Hobbes): Mmm-hmm.


>“And look”—Calvin stared out the window—“They have massive skyscrapers, >and a whole buncha deserted buildings! I gotta say, this is gonna be >paradise!”

MIKE(Calvin): Why I’m sitting on a floating cloud right now!


>“Mmm-hmm.”

CROW(Calvin): We should really be vaccinated against Swine Flu or something.
TOM(Hobbes): Mmm-hmm.

>Calvin grabbed Hobbes and shook him, then screamed in his ear, “ARE YOU >EVEN LISTENING TO ME??!!”

MIKE(Hobbes,sarcastic): No, I’m living and breathing your every word. Of course I’m not listening to you!


>Hobbes thought for a moment, and said, “I’d have to say no.” Calvin >slapped his forehead. “Never mind. Let’s get our luggage and get out of >here.”

CROW: But, unfortunately, their luggage was now in Kentucky.


>The two walked down to the baggage pickup and quickly retrieved theirs. >Calvin waved a taxi, thinking of Lucas with a sigh, and soon they were >on their way.

TOM: Mike, what’s a sigh and why’s Lucas with it?
MIKE: I don’t know.


>“Where to, sir?” asked the driver. Calvin thought. “What’s the fanciest >hotel this side of town?”

CROW(Taxi-Driver, Pittsburg accent): Well, The Rat-Infested Motel down the street would provide good hap for you’uns.

>“That would be the Heaven-on-Earth Condos, sir. Pool, spa,

TOM(Taxi-Driver): Giant laser gun.

>free room service for any room above $150 a night,

MIKE(Taxi-Driver): Cryogenics lab.

>and satellite TV in every room.” “Excellent. Take us there.”
>The hotel was about 60 stories high and towered above most buildings. >Calvin’s mouth dropped open and he had to close it with his fist. The >driver dropped them off and a doorman opened the door for them.

CROW: With his fist?
TOM(dramatic): Chuck Norris is: A random doorman!!

>The inside was even more magnificent. There were potted plants, ornate >sculptures and wall designs, but what interested the kid and tiger the >most was the arrow that said,

MIKE: Restrooms to the right.

>“Arcade” pointing off to their right. Calvin walked up to the manager >at the desk and said cheerfully, “Hello, I’d like a room for a night.” >The manager looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

TOM(manager): Hey, you’re not Richie Rich!!

>“Okay, what room would you like?” “What’s the best?”

MIKE(manager): The old dumpster out back.

>The manager thought. “You might like the penthouse suite.” “What’s it >got?”


CROW(manager): Everything you need for world domination!

>“King bed, a mini-bar and fridge,

MIKE(manager): Teleporter.

>power shower, Jacuzzi,

CROW(manager): Holodeck.

>deck with barbecue, and free room service.” Calvin’s eyes grew bigger >than dinner plates and he said very quickly,

TOM(Calvin,quickly): I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

>“We’lltakeit”, dug out some money and shoved it into the manager’s >mouth, and then

MIKE: Proceeded to steal everything.

>zoomed into the elevator. The manager shrugged and tossed the key into >the elevator.

TOM: Shaft where it was never seen again.

>Calvin yelled, “Thanks!” before the doors closed.
>Hobbes felt the floor of the elevator. “Whoa, it’s carpeted! This place >is classy!” “I’ll say! The buttons are lined with velvet!”

CROW(Calvin): And there’s a butler in here, too!!

>When they reached the penthouse suite, they collapsed on the king bed. >“One thing we’ve got to do is get a camera. Then we can take pictures of >our first life in Pittsburgh.”

MIKE(Hobbes): Oh, I’m sure pictures of us will show up in the tabloids by tomorrow!!

>“Good thinking. Hey, look, the mini-bar has everything:

TOM: Not more lists again!

>Sprite, every type of Coca Cola and Coke, every type of Pepsi, Mr. >Pibb, Squirt, Fanta, Mug Root Beer, a heck of a lot of lemonade….” “And >the fridge! Three different things of ice cream, lotsa cheese, meat, >eggs….” “And over here’s a cookbook! Excellent!”

CROW(Calvin): Now to throw all this out the window!!

>Once they had finished staring at the food, they went into the Jacuzzi >and then each took turns in the power shower. Once they had dried off, >Calvin grinned at Hobbes. “You know, this being our first night in our >new city, I think we should celebrate.

MIKE(Calvin): Let’s go out for pizza!

>A night out on the town, I’m thinking.” He slapped Hobbes on the back >and spread his other arm wide. “Think of it! A night full of >possibilities!

CROW(Calvin): We’ll go to all the arcades we can find!


>We’ll eat at the fanciest restaurants, dance at the greatest clubs”—“I >think we can’t go in clubs. They’re for adults” interrupted Hobbes. >“Whatever” continued Calvin, “then we’ll go to a kids-friendly dance >club, and we’ll go to three movies in a row, sing karaoke in some place, >buy dark clothes and sunglasses, and OWN ‘So You Think You Can Dance?’!”

TOM: Yes, there’s fun to be had in Pittsburg, Los Angeles!!

>Hobbes raised his eyebrows. “Okay, okay, cancel the last one. Meanie.”
>They dropped off their key at the front desk, stepped out into the >darkening sky, and took a deep breath of night air. “Okay, first off: >grub!” Calvin signaled another taxi and said, “What do you recommend for >a picky appetite but fine cuisine?”

MIKE(Taxi Driver): Well, there’s a restaurant that serves hamburgers. It’s called McDonalds.



>“Hmm…do you like seafood?” Hobbes gave Calvin a thumbs-up. “Yes, I do.” >“Then I would go to the Dancing Crab.

TOM(snickering): Is it known for its Crabs??


>Very well made and delicious food. But expensive.”

MIKE: Yeah, meals that cost 20 dollars are expensive to this guy.

>At a red light, the driver looked back at Calvin. “I hope you’ve got >some money, kid.” Calvin pulled out a few $500 bills. “I’m all set.”
>The Dancing Crab was a light-hearted restaurant with Caribbean music >playing in the background and pleasant chatter in the multiple rooms.

TOM: But there were tons of molds there.


>Calvin and Hobbes seated themselves at a booth and a waitress with white >shirt, black pants, and a black apron walked over. “Hello, welcome to >the Dancing Crab.

CROW(Waitress, while snickering): Have you gotten your Crabs today??
(BOTS start giggling)
MIKE: Okay, guys, enough.




>Would you like something to drink?” “A Coke, please” said Calvin. He >turned to Hobbes, who knew that the waitress wouldn’t be able to hear >him. “A Sprite.” Calvin turned back to the waitress. “And a Sprite.” >“Small or medium?” “You got large?” “A large Coke and Sprite for now, >then. Here is your menu.”


CROW(waitress): Sure we get the odd insane person every now and then, but as long as they don’t harm anybody, they’re fine!!


>Calvin looked at the menu and opened it. “Hmm….the shellfish soup looks >good…yeah. Here, Hobbes.” Hobbes scanned it and decided on the grilled >tuna with a side of clam chowder. They ordered when the waitress came >back with their drinks.

TOM: There’s a thrill every minute with the ACTION-PACKED ordering sequence!!

>Calvin slurped his Coke and told Hobbes, “I think we should get the >clothes next. Then when we go into a karaoke club, we’ll look totally >awesome.” Hobbes nodded and stabbed a slab of tuna. “You know, I’ve been >thinking, Calvin, and I wonder if we’re doing the right thing.”

MIKE(Calvin): Using plot holes for our own personal profit? Of course!

>Calvin stared at him. “What do you mean?” “I mean running away. Sure, >cleaning your room sucks, but if you had just done it, we could be >happily watching TV at our house instead of—” “Watching TV in a fancy >hotel room”

CROW(Calvin) With an infinite amount of money at our disposal!!

>Calvin interrupted. “Hobbes, back there I had to go to school, avoid >Susie, and we had to go on dad’s crazy jaunts onto an island in the >middle of nowhere that he calls ‘vacations’.” “You have a point there.”
>Calvin patted Hobbes’ hand. “Listen, buddy, what would make you feel >better?”

TOM(Hobbes): A pet rat. I’ve always liked them.


>Hobbes thought for a moment, and then said, “Three pounds

MIKE(Hobbes): Of baking chocolate.


>of strawberry macadamia nut ice cream.” Calvin wrinkled his nose. “Ew, >you actually like that stuff?” Hobbes shrugged and said cheerfully, >“More for me.”

CROW(Hobbes): To fling at passing cars.

>They ordered their dessert, ate it, and then left. Calvin looked around >for a tailor, and soon found one on a street corner.

CROW: Hey, look, it’s Raggy the Hobo! Hi, Raggy!!

>He walked in with Hobbes and they looked around at the clothes >examples.

TOM(Calvin): I’ll think I’ll wear a dress. More, specifically, that cute, black, strapless number.


>A man strode up to Calvin and said smoothly, “Hello, can I help you?” >“Yeah, we’re looking for a good design, made just for us.” The man’s >eyebrows rose, and Calvin rolled his eyes. “My tiger Hobbes, and me.” >“Right you are, sir. Come with me.”

MIKE(salesman): To an insane asylum.

>Calvin and Hobbes were led into a back room. They were measured in all >sorts of places,

CROW: Which made them feel all tingly.

>and then they had to wait for a while as the fabric was made into their >suits. They read some comic books that Calvin had bought while they >waited, and after an hour their names were called. Calvin and Hobbes >stuffed the comic books into their bags as they rushed into the back >room.

TOM(little kid voice): I gotta go to the backroom!!


>They were given the clothes and went into the bathroom to change. Calvin >walked out and so did Hobbes. They looked at each other.

BOTS(Calvin & Hobbes, simultaneously): OH MY GOD!!
CROW(Calvin): Look at your outfit! It looks like a clown threw up on it!
TOM(Hobbes): Yeah, well, where did you get your outfit!? Woodstock ’69!?


>Calvin looked like a mini James Bond in a tux.

MIKE: Daniel Craig: The Early Years.


>His blond spiky hair contrasted well with the dark, large sunglasses >and the shoes fit him perfectly. The pants came down to the shoes and >the shirt’s sleeves came to his wrist, not going over the hand at all.
>Hobbes’ fur on the top of his head was spiked up with gel, and he was >wearing black leather gloves, but otherwise he looked the same. They >were also given black leather jackets.

TOM: So, they look nice, but at the same they look like thugs? (beat) (whining) Miiike!!

(MIKE pats TOM)

MIKE: There, there, Tom. It’s almost over.


>Calvin handed over $300 and they walked out the door. Some people >passing my stared at him, and he waved back. “Look, Hobbes, we’ve got >fans!”

CROW(Calvin): I don’t know why they keep calling us the Men in Black, though.


>“I feel like I’m at a wedding” replied Hobbes. “Why do I wear these >gloves, again?” “Because it’s cool, that’s why.”

TOM: Yes, it’s cool to look and feel like a total idiot.


>Calvin waved a taxi and said, “To a kids-friendly dance club, my good >man.” “Right-o.” It was almost completely dark outside now, and the >stars and moon were rising. The taxi stopped at a red light, and looked >back at his passengers. “Whoa, kid…”

MIKE(Taxi-driver, stoner voice): The moon looks like cheese, man.


>Calvin looked down at his tux. “What?” “That’s some pretty fancy >clothes, kid.” “Oh. Thanks.”
>The dance club was large and had a disco ball, with a karaoke machine. A >guy had just finished a rap when Calvin and Hobbes pushed open the door >and walked in.

CROW(Calvin): We’re Calvin and Hobbes, and we’re here to put a stop to this rapping nonsense!


>Hardly anybody looked at them, and those who did glanced at them for >only a second. But then they did a double take and gaped at the fancy->dressed pair. Calvin grinned and waved, occasionally lowering his >glasses, and pushed his way to the front. He walked up on stage and >Hobbes began “What?...” Calvin smiled. “You’ll see.”

TOM(Calvin): Everybody Conga!!


>Calvin walked up to the song player and said something, the guy nodded, >and Calvin positioned himself in front of the microphone.

MIKE(Calvin): For those about to Karaoke, we salute you!

>He straightened his tie as the words “Good Riddance (Time of Your >Life)” and “Green Day” flashed up on the screen. He grabbed the >microphone and tapped his foot as the music started.
>“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

MIKE: I wish we could stick a fork in this fanfic.
CROW: We could get electrocuted if we do that.

>Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.

TOM(Time): No, see, First you finish school, then you go to college!

>So make the best off this task, and don't ask why;

MIKE(student): Mr. Teacher, why would keeping clean and neat help fight communism?
TOM(teacher): Don’t question me, Billy! It’s to the gas chambers with you!

>it's not a question but a lesson learned in time.”

CROW: Well, I think we all learned a lesson today.
TOM: What?
CROW: Don’t write Calvin and Hobbes fanfics or something like this will happen.


>Hobbes smiled as Calvin turned to look at him amid the cheers of the >crowd. The kid had a great voice.

TOM: At least, it didn’t break the windows.

>“It's something unpredictable,

MIKE: But black holes can swallow up anything at anytime.

>but in the end is right;

CROW: Y’know, guys, I’ve been thinking. Are we doing the right thing MSTing this fanfic? I mean once you get past all the plot holes, the story’s pretty good.

>I hope you had the time of your life.”

TOM: What do you mean, Crow? This fanfic’s awful.
CROW: I don’t know, it’s just this song’s got me thinking about things.
MIKE: Save the moral discussion for later, you two. We’ve got a fanfic to riff.

>The tiger put two and two together and realized what Calvin was telling >him. He understood, and knew.

TOM(Hobbes): Calvin’s breaking up with me?


>“So take the photographs and still-frames in your mind,

MIKE: And throw them into your mental fireplace.

>hang it on a shelf in good health and good times. Tattoos of memories >and dead skin on trial:

TOM(dramatic) Tonight on The Epidermis Files!!

>for what it's worth it was worth all the while.”

CROW: Say that 3 times fast!

>They had left Missouri, had left their entire past life behind. There >was no turning back, and though he was uncertain, in the end they would >meet their fate as it was.

MIKE: They would go to Hell like everybody else.

>They were in a new state, and a new life. Hobbes almost laughed out >loud, cried, and cheered at the same time. He almost heard Calvin say, >“Sissy.”

CROW: So, if you show emotion, you’re considered a pansy?

>“It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right;

TOM: Someday, Crow, The people whose work that we’ve MSTed will look back on this and laugh. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. After all, it’s our job to guide these new authors in the writing world. We’re here to applaud what’s right and vanquish what’s wrong in their writings! And you want to give up on your goal now?
CROW: Uhhh, yes-I mean, no.



>I hope you had the time of your life.”

MIKE: At the Class of ’97 reunion!!

>Calvin did a little dance number during the pause from lyrics, and the >crowd roared with approval.

TOM(Random person in crowd): If we keep on doing this, maybe he’ll share his good fortune with us!! Woohoo!!


He bowed to them before singing again.
>“It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right; I hope you had >the time of your life.”

CROW(Calvin, singing, to the tune of Time of Your Life): o/ When I take over the world soon, and I come out for blood, I hope you better all say your prayers!!o/

(MIKE and TOM make crowd cheering noises.)

>Hobbes clapped and cheered louder than he had ever done before (he >hadn’t been brought to many rock concerts) as the song drew to a close.

TOM(Hobbes): Yay!! Calvin is god!! Yay!!


>“It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right;

CROW: Maybe, you’re right, Tom. What we’re doing is for the good for future writers everywhere!


>I hope you had the time of your life.”

MIKE: Well, sometimes it’s good to challenge your morals a little, Crow.
CROW: What morals?
TOM(Wacky Sitcom voice): That’s our Crow!!

>The crowd absolutely loved Calvin, and some begged him to come back.

MIKE: Some even offered to build a stone statue of him in place of the Karaoke machine.

>He nodded lazily as he walked over to Hobbes, and looked up at his >tiger. “That was…beautiful.”
>Calvin snorted. “Sissy.” Ah, déjà vu.

CROW: Of a moment in the author’s 3rd grade Art class.

>They hailed a taxi and went back to the hotel. They read comics for a >while, and then fell asleep.
>The next morning, Calvin and Hobbes awoke, packed their bags, and were >just about to check out of the hotel when Calvin got a call on his >UltraPhone.
>“Yello?”

TOM(Calvin’s dad, Psychotic): Death builds character and I’m coming to kill you!! (Maniacal laughter)



>“Hello, am I speaking to Mr. Icaron?”

MIKE(voice on phone, stern): What have I told you about making wings out of wax?


>“I’m Calvin.” “Yes, you. Hey, kid, do you have an address?” “Not yet, >but we’ll have one by tomorrow.” “What area of the city?” “Umm….let’s >see….”

CROW(Calvin): Gotohellville?

>Calvin looked up the city section on his phone, and saw that they were >in the SW area. “Southwest.” “Kay. Call me when you can.”
>They hopped a bus and got out by an alleyway.

TOM: Apparently, nobody seems to think it’s weird that a six year boy is out all alone with no parents.

>Calvin looked up the place on his phone and read the description out >loud. “First right: Old office building. Second right: Abandoned >library/bookstore. Third right: Former apartment building. First left: >office building. Second left: office building. Third left: abandoned >movie rental store.”

MIKE: What site are they looking on? AbandonedBuildings.com?

>They looked through the left buildings first. The walls were crawling
>with bugs (“Cool!” yelled Calvin as he stuffed some bugs in his pocket),

CROW(Calvin): We can put the bugs in people’s ears later!

>and there wasn’t anything remotely interesting about them, except for >the movie rental store. Calvin and Hobbes’ eyes bugged out and their >jaws dropped when they looked in there.

MIKE(Calvin): They made another sequel to Superbabies.
ALL: NOOOOOO!!!


>The walls were still stocked with a whole bunch of good movies. Calvin >clicked on the abandoned movie rental store and read a more detailed >description. “Left in 2007. Two floors. Still in pristine condition.”

TOM: Gee, I know times are hard, but to auction off abandoned buildings on Craigslist?


>His face lit up. “Hobbes, this could be our home!” “Maybe” said Hobbes, >looking thoughtful. “Let’s just check out the others first.”

CROW(Hobbes): I wanna see if there’s any plot points in there!!


>The office and apartment buildings were dull, and Calvin was about to >skip the library but Hobbes tugged on his shirt. “Come on, I wanna look >inside.” “Hobbes, you dipwad, there’s only old moldy books and rotting >walls in there”

MIKE(Hobbes): But at least it’ll be good for storage, right?

>Calvin snorted. “But fine” he added.
>Hobbes pushed open the door with a loud creak and looked around. >“Calvin” he whispered. “What?” Calvin poked his head in.

TOM(Hobbes): Disneyland’s in there!!

>The walls and shelves were clean and stocked with books. It was warm, >like there was a heater in there, and in the corner there was a >computer, and it was on. They could hear the whirring.

CROW: Of a chainsaw.

>“Hobbes” Calvin whispered. “Somebody, or something, is living in here.”
>“I believe you’re looking for me.”
>They whipped around and stared at a desk where a person sat, reading a >book.
>“My name’s Myrrthe.”

TOM: Mary Myrrthe.

>Her hair was almost white, her clothes were not ragged like most >homeless, her mouth was a straight line, and there was something about >her eyes…

MIKE: Hold it, guys, I think I recognize her.
TOM: You do?
MIKE: She’s a Mary Sue!
BOTS: AAAH!


>Calvin’s eyes widened in surprise and astonishment.

CROW(Calvin): A slimy girl! I must defend my G.R.O.S.S title!!

>They were the bright golden yellow of a wild animal, and there was a >quiet sincerity about them, as if she was a messenger from some unknown >place.

TOM: Jesusland, America!!



MIKE: Hey, we’re done.
(MIKE picks up TOM)
TOM: Great! We’re outta here!
CROW: Yipee!!

[EXIT THEATER]
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SATTELLITE OF LOVE]

(CROW is standing to the right of the console, while TOM is to the left. They are trying to avoid CALVIN who is bouncing around on a pogo stick.)

CALVIN: I claim this satellite in the Name of G.R.O.S.S!!

TOM: Hey, wait a cotton pickin’ minute!! This isn’t an abandoned place!

CROW: Unfortunately, it is. You see, during that 500 years on the edge of universe, I guess the ownership expired; making this very satellite fit that description.

TOM: Even though you lived in the place after 25 years at the edge of universe.

CROW: Exactly. I guess karma has come back to haunt me after I didn’t renew the ownership in the 2030’s.

TOM(angry): You knew about the ownership all this time and didn’t even think to renew it?! Crow, what’s wrong with you!?!

CROW: Well, first Gizmonic Institute closed its doors in 2028, so it would be awkward dealing with all that legal stuff, but then I had a massive debt from an intergalactic poker game, so I guess I never got around to doing it.

TOM(angry): Great, and look where that’s gotten us now!!

(MIKE enters from stage right and sees CALVIN.)

MIKE: I want an explanation. Now.

TOM: I don’t know, Mike, he just appeared here, honest.

MIKE: Well, if Calvin’s here, than where’s Hobbes?

CALVIN: Oh, he’s just exploring the rest of our satellite.

MIKE: What do you mean our satellite?

(HOBBES emerges from a trapdoor from stage left.)

HOBBES: Wow, Calvin, this satellite’s got everything! A squash court, a tennis court, a court of law...The list just goes on forever!

MIKE: Wait a second. How did you guys get here?

CALVIN: Dunno. We were just minding our own business when were suddenly transported here.

HOBBES: And now we never want to leave!

CALVIN: Yeah! So, you better get used to us, Mister!

(The red light on the console begins blinking.)

MIKE: I’ll deal with you two later, Pearl’s calling!

(MIKE hits the red light.)

[CASTLE FORRESTER]

( PEARL, BOBO and OBSERVER are standing around a table with a small black cube similar to the Calbox and Hobox from the fanfic. OBSERVER is holding his brain over the cube.)

PEARL: Greetings, Nelvin & Hobbes! Monkey here wants to summon the girl from the end from today’s fanfic into our dimension, so, I asked Brainy here to help us out. We did summon some useless people while trying this before, but don’t worry, we sent them up here for you guys to enjoy!

(There is a flash of white light from the cube.)

OBSERVER: Something’s coming!!

BOBO: Oh Boy! I can’t wait to meet her! Maybe she’ll send me on an adventure!!
(The white light grows bigger, until it fades away to reveal…The Jonas Brothers??)

NICK: Woah, where are we?

JOE: I don’t know.

KEVIN: Want to play a song?

NICK & JOE: Okay, Cool.

(They grab their guitars and begin to play one of their bland, unmemorable songs.)

JOE(singing): o/I took a trip to the year 3000. Not much had changed except they lived under the ocean. This song had gone multiplatinum. Everybody had bought our seventh album.o/ (Yes, those are actual lyrics to a Jonas Brothers song.)

PEARL: Errgh! These lyrics are horrible! How could you do this, Brain guy??

OBSERVER: My apologies, madam. There must have been a error in my dimensional summoning.

PEARL: Hmm, they sound horrible, but marketable. I think I’ve got another world domination plan!! Oh, boys, stop the music!

(The Jonas Brothers stop their song.)

PEARL: How would you like to work for me?

NICK: But, we already have a contract with another record company!

PEARL: I’ll give you 20 billion dollars!

JOE: We’ll take it!

PEARL: Excellent! Now to-(looks at table.) AAAH! A cockroach! Quick, Brain Dude, get rid of everything! (PEARL squishes the cockroach with her shoe, OBSERVER sends the fanfic characters and the Jonas brothers back to their dimension.)

PEARL: Now then boys-(looks around) Where the sam hill did they all go?

OBSERVER: Well, you told me to send them back to their dimension, madam.

PEARL: Liar! (PEARL raises her shoe.) I hope you enjoy the taste of squished cockroach, Brain Bowl!!

OBSERVER: Oh, dear me, this is not good.

[END CREDITS]

City Slickers is © Wolf of Sliver Dawn.

Calvin and Hobbes are © Bill Watterson

Ed and the Good Burger are © Nicklodion

MST3k is © Best Brains. Inc.

This MSTing is owned by, me, MST3kluv.

This is not meant to be a personal attack on Wolf of Sliver Dawn, it’s just meant to be a funny C&C.

Please don’t sue.

I’ll send green vampire bunnies to your house if you do.

Special Thanks to Wolf of Sliver Dawn, for being such a good sport about the whole thing. I hope you enjoyed it.

TWWAANGG!!

(Far off in the distance, you can hear, BLOOPITY,BLOOPITY,BLOOPITY.)

>Then Calvin remembered that he had packed a bunch of money in the
>briefcase. “Can you hand me the suitcase?”