Pokemon Fan Fiction ❯ Pokemon Coast to Coast ❯ Whipping Post ( Chapter 3 )

Okay, everyone. I have brand new ‘Pokemon Coast to Coast” stories for you.   First, I had to remember how to make them.   Then, I have to get excited about making them.   The next two I put up are going to be hit or miss.   And if I miss, I miss.    

(Opening theme and titles; Bulbasaur walks in)

Bulbasaur: Let's get one thing straight. I'm angry!

Charmander: (In the control room) Uh, what about?

Bulbasaur: What about? About everything.

Charmander: Uh, like what?

Bulbasaur: Like... goats. (Squirtle looks at Bulbasaur) Stupid goats with their stupid little beards. Goats are stupid! (Looks at the floor) The floor is stupid!

Charmander: What about me? Stupid?

Bulbasaur: Mmmm, I don't know, say something.

Charmander: Uh, the guest is here? (throws lever back and forth, the studio monitor lowers with Dennis)

Bulbasaur: The guest is stupid.

Dennis Miller: Thank you for having me, Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: It's great to have you here. (Turns to Squirtle) Isn't it, stupid? (Dramatic music plays; Squirtle reaches into his shell and takes out a blast rifle. Bulbasaur stares and aims his Solar Beam. The camera alternates between Bulbasaur and Squirtle as they stare at each other. Finally, Squirtle puts the rifle down, and the music stops. Bulbasaur sits down) Stupid Squirtle!

Dennis Miller: Which one is Squirtle? Tom Servo, or...

Bulbasaur: Say what, asshole?

Dennis Miller: Oh wait, I've crossed...

Squirtle: Arliss

Bulbasaur: What's that now?

Dennis Miller: (laughs) I've crossed genres here.

Squirtle: Now there's a show!

Dennis Miller: I like the shop you run over here, Bulbasaur. I like the boys you surround yourself with...

Bulbasaur: That pisses me off. Look, I do what I want. Do I make myself clear?

Dennis Miller: Mmm hmm, well, I...

Bulbasaur: (aims his Solar Beam at Dennis) DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!? (dramatic music plays again)

Dennis Miller: Sorry. (Laughs) Already I've blown it. Oftimes when I meet people I admire, you know how you kind of put your foot in the mouth right off the bat.

Bulbasaur: Oftimes when I meet people who are retired I put my foot in their mouth and I say, "Welcome to Venice. This will be your last meal!"

Squirtle: And what do they say?

Bulbasaur: (stretches) "Bulbaaaaaaaaa Saurrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Man, am I angry. I'd better go blow off some steam before I explode on some fool. Aaaaaah! (Bulbasaur leaps from his desk, still yelling. His Fearow streaks through space, with Bulbasaur continuing to yell on top. Next, Bulbasaur is in the Pokemon Planet mailroom) Aaaaaah! Hello, a book of postcard stamps, if you please. (shrugs) Aaaaah! (Fearow returns, with Bulbasaur still yelling on top. He crashes on the floor, and stops yelling, makes a small hiccup) Oh, good. Every time I do something like that, I give myself the hiccups.

Squirtle: You sure are angry tonight.

Bulbasaur: That's right, Squirtle.

Squirtle: You know, I like this new side of you. I think it's boss.

Bulbasaur: Ah! Then you're gonna love this. (Aims his Solarbeam at Squirtle and blasts him)

Squirtle: (flails back and form, making gibbering noises, but is not crisped)

Bulbasaur: (stops blasting) I'm sorry, what? (resumes blasting Squirtle)

Squirtle: (flails and gibbers some more, until Bulbasaur stops blasting)

Dennis Miller: So, uh, I'm a big fan of Squirtle, it's a hard thing to serve a great man like you.

Bulbasaur: Hmm.

Dennis Miller: And oftimes this man (points toward Squirtle) is of more consequence than the man (points at Bulbasaur) who carries the torch.

Bulbasaur: If you like green babies.

Squirtle: Arliss... (Bulbasaur looks at Squirtle; Squirtle takes sideways glance toward camera)

Bulbasaur: (to Dennis) Say something.

Dennis Miller: Well, I have two sons, 9 and 13...

Bulbasaur: Sons are the same as kids, right?

Dennis Miller: Exactly.

Bulbasaur: And kids are just dumb little adults.

Dennis Miller: You don't have any kids, do you, Bulbasaur? (laughs)

Bulbasaur: Yeah, I have two sons. Fifi and Pierre. I shave their butts out of anger. (pounds his desk) And they hate me for it. (Hums into his palm) That's the shaving noise. Want to give a shout out to your two sons?

Dennis Miller: Marlon, Holden! (Shakes his fist forward in the air) With the Bulb!

Bulbasaur: (holding up his hand) Fifi, Pierre! Get off the couch! (Beat) It is clear they're poodles, right?

Squirtle: (whispering) Arliss!

Bulbasaur: Everyone's talking' about me, Dennis. We've become a nation of people talking about Pokemon.

Dennis Miller: Weren't you doing' it with that Pikachu kid for a while?

Bulbasaur: Ash’s Pikachu?

Dennis Miller: Yes.

Bulbasaur: Sure was.

Dennis Miller: (laughs)

Bulbasaur: It was good too.

Dennis Miller: (laughing) Exactly.

Bulbasaur: (Stretching) Bulbaaaaaa (BLEEP) Stupid goddamn catch (BLEEP) Gonzalez.

Squirtle: (blinks and stares)

Bulbasaur: I should be on HBO. What's their problem?

Dennis Miller: HBO has no problem; you know you're doing this merely as an audition to get on their, Bulbasaur. That's where it's all happening. All the creativity, you're saddled over here at Mediaminer.org. You know there are certain things you can't say.

Bulbasaur: Who are you again?

Dennis Miller: My name is Dennis Miller; I'm a comedian and a fan of Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: (looks at a blue card) And you've come here from the future to kill me! (puts card down) Right?

Dennis Miller: (laughs, wiping a tear from his eye) Wow, I know that's my MO. (laughs)

Bulbasaur: Dennis, you've played a number of cops. Tell us how you became to be Robocop. The ultimate cop!

Dennis Miller: Well, listen, I had done a one-man show as Peter Weller called "Give 'em Hell, Peter" for years, off-Broadway.

Bulbasaur: Hang on, Peter. I'm way too angry to check out each off-Broadway production of Robocop. I'll wait until it's on-way.

Dennis Miller: (looks perplexed, shakes his head)

Bulbasaur: Broadway?

Dennis Miller: Could not be further out of the loop.

Squirtle: Hey, Arliss! Ah, made you look!

Dynablade: (yelling in the distance, everyone looks up. Suddenly he falls from above, and lands on his head and falls down.)

Bulbasaur: What the ...!

Dennis Miller: (laughs out loud)

Dynablade: (lying on the floor) (makes gibbering noise) That's fun.

Bulbasaur: Oh great.

Dynablade: Hi, my name is Dynablade!

Bulbasaur: The low quality of your voice makes me very angry!

Dynablade: Yeah, well I have a big dent in my hinder. Ouch!

Dennis Miller: Nice to see you... Dynablade.

Dynablade: Oh... that hurt. Squirtle, will you give me a bath?

Squirtle: No bath here. So screw!

Dynablade: Come on, I'm dirty! Look at this dirty boy! (Continues talking in background) Hey, smell my armpits! Oh boy! Come on! It's Saturday! I need my bath!

Dennis Miller: Dynablade is the guy from “Kirby” who stops in periodically.

Bulbasaur: That’s right, Dennis.

Dennis Miller: He makes the, uh, cameo. Like Hitchcock, periodically you'll see him walking through the background.

Bulbasaur: Hitchcock's the worst director ever. Did you see "Rear Window"? It's all black and white and there are no adult situations. You know it was just made to sell toys, which you can't find anywhere!

Dynablade: Here's one! (laughs)

Bulbasaur: Give it here!

Dynablade: (walks to Bulbasaur's desk, humming a song) Look at this. It's got a camera.

Bulbasaur: I hate this and all toys!

Dynablade: Look out! (Bulbasaur slams the toy with his foot, destroying it)

Charmander: Hey Bulbasaur, how come you're so angry?

Bulbasaur: What?

Charmander: You need to mellow.

Squirtle: Yeah, mellow out, friend.

Bulbasaur: Don't tell me to mellow out! That'll just make me angrier!

Squirtle: You want to mellow.

Charmander: Mellow.

Squirtle: Mellow.

Charmander: Mellow.

Squirtle: Mellow.

Charmander: Feel better?

Bulbasaur: Knock it off!

Dynablade: I want my bath!

Charmander: Bulbasaur is like Mr. Angry today!

Bulbasaur: No! Squirtle's Mr. Angry!

Dynablade: Hey! I wanna be somebody.

Squirtle: Oh ho! Squirtle is Mr. Relaxed.

Bulbasaur: Are you relaxed enough to fight?

Squirtle: You know, I think I am. (Dramatic music in background)

Dynablade: I'm Mr. Clean! (humming something)

Bulbasaur: Perhaps you should consider going somewhere!

Squirtle: Where would I go?

Bulbasaur: Somewhere I'm not!

Dynablade: I'm Mr. Mustard!

Bulbasaur: (walks to the bandstand) Like here!

Squirtle: Eh! And here you are.

Bulbasaur: Now then, where would you like to go?

Squirtle: I think, I'd like, to come over there! (Walks over to Bulbasaur's desk)

Dynablade: I'm Mr. Pat Sajak!

Bulbasaur: Wait, I thought I was coming over there.

Squirtle: Oh brother.

Bulbasaur: I meant to anyway. Now come on! (Confronts Squirtle, sitting in his desk)

Squirtle: Alright, alright, just relax.

Bulbasaur: I am relaxed!

Squirtle: Relaxed enough to fight? (Punches Bulbasaur)

Bulbasaur: Ah! Son of a-

(Bulbasaur and Squirtle fight lamely, accompanied by "fight" music. Squirtle finally lands one punch, and Bulbasaur counters by blasting Squirtle's head off. His head bounces and comes to rest at the bandstand.)

Squirtle: It didn't hurt.

Dynablade: Can I get my bath now?

Bulbasaur: Yeah, come here, I'll give you a bath.

Dynablade: Yeah boy! (Walks over to Bulbasaur, laughing. Over dramatic music, Bulbasaur picks up Dynablade with his vines) Don't put me down! (Bulbasaur throws him across the set; he lands next to Squirtle's head) Ouch!

Bulbasaur: Charmander, would you like a bath?

Charmander: Um... I already took one actually.

Bulbasaur: (in the control room) TAKE ANOTHER ONE! (Bulbasaur punches Charmander; she flies off camera, amid the sound of falling down stairs and glass breaking) (to Dennis, in Charmander's monitor) What about you? Do you need a bath?

Dennis Miller: No I don't.

Bulbasaur: (walks back to desk) Undress me with your eyes, Dennis.

Dennis Miller: (laughing) Okay. I just undressed you, and quickly redressed you.

Bulbasaur: (listening to the director via his communicator) What's that now, Tom? Oh. Tom's gotta switch tape and I'm going to run down the hall and take a quick wiz.

Squirtle: Please do.

Bulbasaur: You sit comfortably.

Dennis Miller: Squirtle, you seem to have, uh, slim shoulders there. (Squirtle plays his keyboard, headless) To think, the most eclectic day of my show business career, that I spoke at Bob Hope's 100th birthday, and I had to sprint over to do Coast to Coast.

(Charmander is back at her monitor; she, Dynablade, Squirtle and Dennis all laugh)

Bulbasaur: Hey I'm back. (Squirtle stops playing; everyone is silent; Bulbasaur taps his blue card) I'm back from the hallway. (Taps his card once) Hey, have you heard my famous story? (Squirtle's body descends into his keyboard pod) It starts in a couple of minutes. Beat. A long beat.

Dennis Miller: Come on. What, do you need an edit point, Bulbasaur?

Bulbasaur: (Dramatic music in background, black and white scenes of various Pokemon episodes plays behind him as he speaks.) The race war had begun. Machines were building robot babies to replace other babies. Everyone knows what happened next. The End. (Music and montage end)

Dennis Miller: (laughs) Really?

Bulbasaur: Written by Bulbasaur. (More dramatic music as he reads the "credits") Robots by IBM... and Bulbasaur. George Lucas by Bulbasaur. (He scribbles on his card) House lights up, people leave theatre. Trash everywhere. Squirtle, clean up the trash while I go rethread the projector. Later, Dennis.

Squirtle: Eh.

(Credits roll)

Dynablade: Oh no!