Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Reluctant Bet (2nd Labor) ❯ Reluctant Slapstick ( Chapter 26 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Reluctant Bet segment 26 "Reluctant Slapstick?"

Ranma 1/2 characters by Rumiko Takahashi, SAilor Moon characters by Naoko Takeuchi. Honda Yasou, Hall Monitor supreme, from "Combustible Campus Guardess"

Greyside.

Nodoka watched the news report with more than a touch of good humored curiosity. The girl interviewed was that shrine priestess rescued by her son upon his return and the talk of the Juuban Angel was certainly more interesting than some odd illness going through the Shizuma region.

Interviwer (hurrying behind the girl who is obviously trying to escape): "Hino-san! Hino-san! Just one moment of your time!"

Priestess (exasperated): "Okay. ONE question. I've got to get to school and the nuns aren't exactly tolerant of tardiness."

Interviewer: "What exactly is your relationship to the Juuban Angel? Is it true that this is your guardian angel?"

Priestess (suddenly blushing and fidgeting): "Well... he... I..."

The camera shifts off of the priestess briefly to show trashcans and debris moving by themselves in the background, then back to the schoolgirl.

Interviewer (obviously sensing fresh prey): "Yes?!"

Priestess (still fidgeting and not noticing that large heavy objects are dancing in the background): "Errr, well, Ranma's kind of my boyfriend. AHHH! I gotta go!"

Interviewer (now standing in front of camera while loud thunks indicate that flying objects are no longer floating about): "Well, folks, now we know. A Shinto priestess with connections to the hierarchy of another faith! Will this mixed relationship work out or is it doomed from the start? This is Ayame Mitsuhara with Channel 5 News."

Nodoka smiled pleasantly as her eyes went to a cat's cradle of red threads that she'd carefully prepared. ~Apparently THAT scroll worked as well. My son will have multiple girlfriends, each vying for his affections, and then I'll use the final scroll. Ah, if Happosai had only known that these would only work when cast on someone ELSE'S behalf, he might never have collected them.~

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Wings faded away as Ranma settled down to the street outside the front gate, followed by him checking his appearance as best he could. Minor enchantments had given him some access to treasure, and treasure had given him access to funds, and funds had given him access to clothing. As a Healer priest, he was under a vow of poverty, but he also had to make do without some of the usual resources of that priesthood - so some small amount of money and supplies were necessary.

Usually Ranma did NOT show up in black denim jeans, a white cotton shirt, leather vest, and black tennis shoes. But then, this was not the usual Ranma, so he felt it was all right.

Ranma sighed before going up to the door. "Well, it's show time, I guess." He knocked, waiting for whatever disaster was going to befall him.

The door burst open, literally. "DARLING!" *GLOMP!*

Ranma blinked as he was glomped onto with sufficient speed and ferocity that he doubted the REAL Ranma could have escaped. This did not compute. That had sounded like Kasumi. There was the faint odor of baked bread and cookies clinging to the girl who was currently snuggled up against him. From what he could see, she *looked* like she might be Kasumi. Therefore... this didn't make ANY sense unless it was a case of mistaken identity.

"YOU THERE! STOP MOLESTING MY SISTER!" Now Akane came out, followed by Nabiki and Soun.

Ranma blinked. Well, at least SOME things were going by the script.

Seeing that Kasumi had glomped Ranma from the front, Nabiki attacked from the side. "Kasumi! Ranma is MY fiance!" *GLOMP!*

"HUH?!" Ranma blinked again. Script, what script?

"RANMA!" Genma showed up in the doorway. "How dare you engage yourself to other women?!"

"Say what?" Ranma blinked again. "Did i switch timelines again and miss it?"

"You are NOT inheriting the dojo! It's MINE! *I* am the heir to the Tendo Ryuu!" Akane pointed at the boy being hugged by her sisters. "To free my sisters of this ridiculous arrangement and keep the dojo, I, AKANE TENDO, RIGHTFUL HEIR TO THE TENDO DOJO, CHALLENGE YOU!" *crackle* *thooom*

"Taking lessons from Kuno?" Ranma asked, looking at where red lightning had struck.

"Anything Goes mean getting manuevers from everyone and anything," admitted Akane, "as long as it works."

Ranma nodded, at least this was fairly familiar ground. "So, the dojo?"

"Yeah!" Akane spun on one foot, heading through her house.

"Uhm." Ranma realized there was a problem with this. "Could you two let go of me?"

---------

Ranma took a couple of deep breaths as he loosened up. Akane merely stepped into a fighting stance and glared at him.

Ranma blinked as a detail intruded. Akane looked different, something about her face. And then there was the pack of "Luckys" that she had tossed into the corner. She SMOKED? There hadn't been any smell clinging to Kasumi or Nabiki so it wasn't THEIR cigarettes. There WAS a definite odor sticking to the dojo itself, as well as a few cigarette butts out on the lawn surrounding it.

"i thought you were a martial artist, why smoke?"

"My father smokes, HE'S a martial artist. Or are you saying I'm too CUTE to smoke." Akane spat to the side. "CUTE is something I'll never be! DAMN YOU!"

Ranma let out a breath. "That's a wig, isn't it?"

Kasumi cleared her throat from the side. "Earlier this year, a boy named Tatewaki Kuno made an announcement that only someone who could beat Akane could date her. The high school Chemistry Club used a chemical bomb..."

Akane yanked the wig off and tossed it to the side with her smokes. Revealing...

Short, almost a buzz cut. And it was GREEN on one side.

"I take it they were watching 'Urusei Yatsura' and thought you'd make a perfect Lum?" Ranma shook his head. "I've seen worse."

"I'm gonna take that smarmy attitude and ram it so far up your..."

"Not in front of Kasumi," Ranma cautioned. "Okay, Akane, though I really don't want to fight anyone."

"Fight ME. And you'd BETTER go all out!"

"I don't like hurting people," said Ranma, "even someone like you."

"DIE!" Akane launched herself.

*GRAB!* *SPIN!* *IMBED!* *WHAM!WHAM!WHAM!*

"Oh, well, if that's what you want." Ranma addressed the hole marking where he'd imbedded the youngest Tendo into the floor of the dojo. "I'm gonna get a bath. If you peep on me, you're gonna get some soap where the sun don't shine."

Akane slowly peeled herself out of the hole in the floor. "Who does he think he is?! Grrrr..."

---------------

Kasumi exclaimed at the sight coming down the hallway.

"Mmmmmrff! Mmmfrmmrmm!"

Kasumi blinked. "You'd like me to remove that loufa Akane?"

"Mrmmmrmf!" *Pop!*

"Oh, well, I'm sure the soap will come out eventually."

"This too shall pass, eh, Akane?" Nabiki chortled at the way her sister was walking. ~Where the sun doesn't shine, eh? Well, he kept his word, didn't he?~

"He tripped me and threw a bar of soap up my..." Akane grimaced. "And I can still feel it! Kasumi..."

"Yes, I'll have a word with Ranma-san later."

Akane rubbed her jaw, distended from having a sponge thrust within. "Ouch. That jerk! How dare he do that?!"

Nabiki merely smirked. "He promised he'd do something like that if you..."

"I'll show him! He won't catch me off guard like that again!" Akane turned and ran back to the furo. "Hey you pervert! How dare yo....urk!"

<GRAB, THUD, CRASH, SPLASH, SMASH, STUFF, STUFF-SOME-MORE, STITCH, THUMP>

Nabiki and Kasumi exchanged a glance as the sounds continued from down the hall.

"Oh my," said Nabiki, eyes wide. ~Well, at least that's ONE less competitor for my Ranma-sama!~

Kasumi nodded, hoping the two hadn't made a mess. "She must really like Ranma." Kasumi left the kitchen briefly, dragging a large bundle back a moment later.

Nabiki blinked. Akane had been hog tied with the belt of her own gi, and had a large "Do Not Open Until Xmas" sticker over her mouth. Akane glared at everyone present and mumbled something.

"Akane, if I let you loose, will you stop attacking Ranma? It really isn't proper for you to peep on him like that," Kasumi said, coloring slightly. ~After all, Ranma is *my* fiance!~

"So you got a good look, sis?" Nabiki addressed Kasumi, snickering when her elder sister blushed a deeper shade of red and nodded. "And?"

"Mmmmmmfff!"

"My goodness, Akane, your cheeks are awfully flushed. Do you have a fever?"

"Urrrraaaaarrrr!" Akane did her best to bellow with a sticker over her mouth.

"Hmmmm," Nabiki hmmmed. "She *is* awfully red. To go peeping on him twice, Ranma must be *really* cute. Gee, I think I ought to go check on Ranma just to make sure he's okay."

Kasumi blinked, realizing that a guest had been inconvenienced. "Oh my, you're right, Nabiki!"

"MMMMMMMMM!" Akane yelled as she realized that she'd been left wrapped up in the kitchen. Alone. "MMMMRRRRRR!" That soap was really uncomfortable.

------------

Shampoo reached the outskirts of Nerima first. More "casualties" in the mountains had given her a clear lead.

The only ones she had to worry about were Mace, Azure, and the mysteriously reappearing Sash. How the girl had gotten ahead of them was a puzzle that Shampoo would work out later. AFTER giving Ranma the Kiss Of Marriage.

Mace had stripped, hogtied, and gagged the pneumatic Thyme. By the time Rosemary and Sage found her, everyone else would be long gone.

Now Mace was falling behind, having too much muscle mass for long distance running.

Azure and Sash would be no competition, but Shampoo didn't dare get complacent. She was almost to the Finish Line, after all. Now came finding this 'Tendo Dojo' place.

---------

A relaxing quiet moment in the furo. Well, after he'd had to deal with Akane twice. This form wasn't a world-class martial artist, but it had tremendous strength and speed and was pretty tough. Akane had struck him quite hard, but he'd simply absorbed the force and hadn't been sent flying through any walls.

Then Kasumi and Nabiki came in with their bath things to make sure he was all right. Which made Ranma quite glad he'd picked up some swim trunks and had gotten them out after Akane had shown up the second time. They had looked disappointed, which meant that this was some attempt to embarass him. He must have tipped them off that he wasn't completely familiar with Japanese customs (which were often subtly different in different timelines - proving that the Japanese were sometimes inscrutable on purpose), therefore the Japanese desire to yank foreigner's chains was coming out.

A girl with partially green stubble decorating her head charged him from the side. Not being the real Ranma, and being neither a masochist nor politically incorrect in treatment of women, Ranma treated the incident as he would if attacked by an obscenity-screaming blunt-object (a frypan) waving guy making a death threat.

*WHAM!* *POW!* *SMASH!* *THUD!*

"Ranma! How could you hurt my little girl?!" Soun came racing up, forming demon head.

"Is she a martial artist, or is she a little girl playing dress up?" Ranma held the short girl by the waist band of her shorts at arm's length and looked for somewhere to stick her where she wouldn't be a problem for awhile.

"Uhm," Soun paused.

"Ohhhh..." moaned Akane, not having been pummelled completely into unconsciousness.

"B?" Soun said after a few moments of consideration.

"So you're saying that she's some fragile doll, a little girl playing dress up, not a true martial artist at all, just someone who likes the title but is too weak and frail and helpless to be taken seriously?" Ranma sounded thoughtful. "Well, in THAT case, i can't pick on the weak."

"Yes! That's right!" Soun nodded, happy it was all a misunderstanding and things would be all right now. "Now son, I've got a question for..." The rest of what he was saying was drowned out by the eruption of Mt Akane.

"WHAT?!" Akane stared at her father. "DAD! I am *TOO* a martial artist! You just keep attacking when I'm not ready! You cheat!"

Ranma sighed as the girl started kicking her legs and waving her arms around. "Look, Tendo-san, i *was* willing to treat you with some respect (one should always treat large venomous creatures with respect) and fight you 'for real' as you required of me. Your father and sensei informs me that this is not acceptable. So, we'll simply go with a different relationship now. Oh! A weight set!"

"What are you doing!"

*WRAP TIE THUNK*

"i don't want to be attacked at random points, Tendo-san. That is why i tied your ankles together with your barbell. i'll free you before school tomorrow." Lifting girl and weights together, Ranma tossed them out into the backyard. "Now, Tendo-kun, you were saying?"

Akane gritted her teeth and started dragging herself back to the house. No way she was going to suffer this impertinence!

---------

"So... Ranma. You've met my three daughters..." Soun wasn't quite sure what to say about this. "But you died years ago. So the honor agreement was to unite the two families through marriage, but with you being dead."

Ranma nodded. So the real Ranma was dead? He'd have to get details, it could be important. "i'm not sure how long i'll be on this plane of existence, Mister Tendo."

"I understand, you're back to tie up your mortal affairs." Soun nodded, as this possibility had been explained to him by Nabiki. "So which of my daughters are you going to marry?"

"i don't know that this is even permitted, Tendo-san."

"IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ME!" There was a clunk as Akane dragged herself across the threshold. "You insufferable BOY!"

An idea occurred to Ranma. Rage Disorder was a disease or condition, wasn't it? Some trick of biochemistry where something didn't work quite right? "With your permission, Mister Tendo, i'd like to try something different. Don't worry, it won't hurt her."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Akane struggled as she was lifted and laid flat with her face into the floor. "Cut it out, you pervert!"

Ranma noticed Kasumi, Nabiki, and Genma had been attracted by the noise. "What i'm about to do is a healing spell and a geas. If this works, Akane will stop attacking me whenever i'm in the house."

"Why not just kiss her?" Nabiki inquired politely.

"Kiss Akane? Oh my, that wouldn't be proper!" Kasumi fretted.

"Hey!" Ranma continued holding Akane by the nape of her neck and one hand positioned on her waist above the hips. She'd REALLY begun struggling now.

"He didn't intend to, oneechan, but when he kissed *me*." Nabiki grinned and blushed at the remembrance.

Kasumi's eyes widened at NABIKI blushing. Her eyes locked on a different target. "Well then..."

Ranma's eyes widened as Kasumi knelt and gathered him in for a quick smooch that turned alarmingly hungry and passionate as the nineteen year old girl seemed to melt against him.

Akane took the opportunity to wiggle free as Ranma was distracted.

"Ah, Kasumi, such initiative. You make your father proud!"

"Yes, Tendo, a perfect match!" *Splash!* "Growf?!"

Nabiki set the empty cup down. "Ranma is MY fiance, Kasumi. If anyone around here is going to smooch him, it's going to be ME."

Ranma blinked as Kasumi was dragged off of him. He felt a little dizzy, wondering what had brought THAT on. "What the heck?"

Kasumi blinked a few times and seemed to be staring off into space.

Ranma decided to concentrate on the immediate, leaving the imponderables for later. Grabbing and pinning Akane again, he tried a 'Heal' spell first.

"Wounds knit and scars banish,
Disease begone and disorders vanish,
Be whole again, within and without,
Firmen tissue and health be stout,
This warrior nurture with thy light,
To make smooth flesh and restore might."

Light surrounded Akane briefly, warm and golden. When it faded, Akane shuddered a few times. "Get. Off. Me."

"Uhm." Ranma reluctantly withdrew his hands. Akane flipped over and glared at him.

"Well, she's still ticked. So maybe a Geas that runs counter to the problem." Grey frowned, not liking this. A Geas was similar to hypnotic compulsion, at least the kind of Geas he had access to. Healers typically used the spell as punishment for a crime or to break an addiction or bad habit. The problem was that he wanted her to stop attacking him in the house, and as casual violence was deeply engrained in her being he'd have to use a substitute. Such as if he cured her smoking habit by replacing the desire for a smoke with chewing gum. So same stimulus for a different response...

"Akane," Kasumi interrupted. "Your scars, they're gone!" She held out a compact for her little sister to examine herself.

Akane stared for a moment, then snatched the small mirror away. "It can't be," Akane said in a flat tone, rubbing a flesh tone away from her one cheek and staring at the result. "no way..."

"That's the way son!" Soun slapped Ranma on the back as Akane stared from the mirror to her benefactor. The inevitable occurred.

---------

She had waited impatiently before consulting the mirror again.
"Magic Mirror, tell the deed,
What's become of demon Greed?"

The obsidian surface clouded then cleared again, this time showing a happily smiling group of teenage girls. Well mostly happily smiling. Usagi had fallen asleep.
"Your servant Greed has failed her task,
One has come who wears a mask,
Mikuji failed to dragon's jaws,
And now has Greed failed your cause,
And worse has come this latest twist,
For all have been by power kissed,
Though only two gifts have been given,
Cause can now the giver be driven."

The Dark Lady (having decided that 'Princess' was too much in common with her foes) thought about this and tried to untangle the horrid rhymes of the mirror. "Okay, so Greed bit the big wa-ta-ta and two of the Princesses are now Senshi? Errr. Fee and fi and menchi. Damn this having to rhyme things anyway."

"No, o mistress, Senshi they're not,
As for power they've not got a lot.
But as each awakes further they'll be more trouble,
Increasing the difficulty by far more than double,
Observe in my surface the two of such strength,
It'll save me from speaking on such great length."

Dark Lady (she didn't like THAT name either as it had connotations of those filthy bourgoisse running around with their noses up in the air) watched a few scenes of Rei floating around and Minako erecting a force wall. "Hmmmm. An Esper. Looks like a Level Six using the old Moon Kingdom guides. Telekinesis, I would assume some Farseeing and Precognition, though as she hasn't tracked me down, that's all I can be sure of. The other one seems able to erect mystical barriers, a rare Talent and quite useful. Though all of the nobility of the Silver Millenium had SOME gift to distinguish them from the mortals they lorded it over."

"Not that you're holding a grudge against being one of those minor servants that had to clean up after them and got run ragged."

The Dark Lady addressed the mirror. "Of course it is. It's all about revenge and making sure that the Silver Millenium doesn't return. Now... I think the problem was moving too fast. Like a disease that gathers strength slowly, the Seeds should be allowed to fester in their targets and therefore be stronger when the seed manifests."

The mirror sounded surprised. "That actually sounds intelligent."

"Keep your comments useful. Let's see... I'll use Lust and Anger, I think.
"For these seeds of deadly sin,
Show me who to infect within."

"You've been practicing," noted the mirror.

"As you've pointed out, I'm a former chambermaid with a handful of scavenged items. I *have* to be smarter than a doorknob."

Knocking on the door caused the 'Dark Lady' to cross to it, muttering appropriate dark phrases about how after she'd brought the Princesses to heel she'd have THEM answer HER door and pick up HER trash and...

Rei, Minako, and two others stood outside the door. "Ah, Rhodite-san. Can we make a deal?"

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WEIRD IDEAS section:

That Nodoka, and her bizarre ideas on manliness, might have done something to produce some of Ranma's difficulties.

Hmmm. Howcome nobody's ever done a crossover between Ranma or SM and "Combustible Campus Guardess"? You'd think the weird superpowers of CCG and the battle between the Guardians and Remnants would fit in fairly well.

In the Senshi/Sentai series the villains are always idiots though in the past they weren't (otherwise the Dark Kingdom would never have wiped out the Silver Millenium in the first place.) What about a villain/menace that was ALWAYS underpowered and at least middling competent? Hence the Dark Chambermaid.

The Seven Sins were one of the concepts being batted around for "Angel 1/2". Greed (Nabiki), Anger (Ryoga), Lust, Envy (Akane), Pride, Sloth (Soun), Gluttony (Genma).

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