Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing]MFT9K Episode II: Ranma Snaps! ❯ The MSTing ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By: Kyronea

*Turn The Lights Off*

(Things Just Look Better That Way)

DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and its characters are copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. and are borrowed under the Fair Rights Use Act for the sake of humour only. No money is made from the production of this MSTing.

Any and all mentions of songs, fictional works, television shows, ect are copyrighted and owned by their respective creators and are used under the Fair Rights Use Act for the sake of humour only.

Ranma Â½ and its related characters, ect is the property of Rumiko Takahashi

Ranma Snaps is the property of James Birdsong and is borrowed for the sake of MSTing. Please note that no insult or offense is meant by this MSTing; it is meant, instead, as simply another form of C&C. The original, un-MSTed version is linked at the end of this MSTing.

MYSTERY FANFIC THEATRE 9000
BY: Kyronea
EPISODE II: Ranma Snaps!

(Cue Theme Song In Five...Four...Three...Two....One...)

In The Not Too Distant Future

In an Alternate Universe

Mike Nelson and Joel Robinson

Are Plagued By An Endless Curse

Caught By Forrester and His Mother Pearl

Two Evil Scientists Out To Rule The World

Their Experiment Needed a Good Test Case

So They Tied Up Mike and Joel and Shot 'Em Into Space!

MIKE : LET! US! DOWN!

JOEL: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!

PEARL AND CLAYTON:

We'll Send Them Cheesy Fanfics!

The Worst We Can Find! (La-La-La!)

They'll Have To Sit And Read Them All

While We Monitor Their Minds! (La-La-La!)

Now Mike And Joel Have No Control

Over When the Fanfic's Begin Or End

Because They Used Those Special Parts

To Remake Their Robot Friends!

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT! (Let's Go!)

GYPSY! (I'll Take Care Of Ya!)

TOM SERVO! (Isn't This Fun?!)

CROOOOOOOOW! (Again! Again!)

If You're Wondering How They Eat And Breath

Or Other Science Facts (La-La-La!)

Just Repeat To Yourself: "It's Just A MiST!"

"I Should Really Just Relax!"

For Mystery Fanfic Theatre 9000!

Joel Robinson let out a mighty yawn and rubbed groggily at his eyes, trying to keep himself awake. He glanced at his watch and moaned; it was almost eight; he'd been up all night. Then he noticed Cambot was active, and he waved rather weakly at the camera. “Oh, hi folks,” he greeted with another yawn and a stretch. “Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Sorry I'm so sleepy; I was working on a little project with Tom and Crow. You see—“

“Joel!” hissed the voice of Tom Servo; he was hovering nearby, his useless arms flailing in a desperate bid for Joel's attention. “Joel, get over here!”

“Okay, okay, I'm coming...” Joel shook his head and ran over to Tom, who was now watching Crow use a wrench on their current project. Crow hummed an unidentifiable working song as he turned the wrench this way and that in a manner more befitting a three year old. Joel suppressed a fatherly chuckle. “Workin' out some last-minute kinks, Crow?”

“Uh-huh!” Crow answered without missing a beat in his humming. “Though I can't seem to get that one bug...you know, the one that--”

“DON'T remind me...” Rubbing at his eyes just a bit more to try and clear his head, Joel flopped down next to Crow and got to work; Tom hovered over them, trying to give them pointers; they shoo'd him away.

It was just as well, because the red light of the Mads suddenly started flashing. “Looks like the Wondertwins and Gleek are calling,” Tom quipped as he banged his head into the button.

The viewscreen revealed a rather soaked looking Deep Thirteen; Dr. Forrester and Pearl were both clad in lime green ponchos and galoshes, trying desperately to ignore the ankle-deep water they were standing in; Erhardt bustled about nearby with a massive looking mop and an equally massive pail, though his efforts didn't seem to be cleaning up the water one bit. “Oh, so nice to see you could make it!” Pearl said, trying to sound like her usual self, and failing miserably.

Joel and the Bots couldn't help a bit of snickering. “What happened, sirs?”

Dr Forrester kicked at the water, sending a large cascade flowing towards Erhardt; Erhardt ignored the impromptu shower and continued mopping. “Frank had the brilliant idea of messing with the water main for a little experiment, and he broke it!” He rolled his eyes at Erdhardt's efforts with the mop and then fixed his gaze upon his prisoners. “But nevermind that! Make with—wait, where's Nelson?” He glowered, eyes full of suspicion.

Joel and the Bots all comically did a double take and glanced around the bridge. “Where IS Mike?” Tom repeated after a few minutes.

“I dunno...I haven't seen him since a couple nights ago...” Joel mumbled. “Gypsy!”

Gypsy slithered onto the bridge. “Yes?”

“Could you go find Mike, please?”

“Sure thing!”

Joel looked back at the Mads. “He'll just be a couple minutes...I think.”

“Whatever,” Pearl snorted. “Just...present your invention already!”

“Sheesh...who messed with her Wheaties this morning?” Crow muttered as he helped Joel pull out the project they had been working on. With a grunt, they lifted it onto the centre console and gave a full view to Cambot.

Dr. Forrester and Pearl nearly choked. “Wh-what IS that?!” Pearl managed to squeak.

The project looked like nothing more than a miniature C'thulhu in a cat-like body, though its rear paws were actually wheels. Crow reached over and flicked a tiny switch on its underside and it immediately activated; the eyes glowed a deep crimson and soft mewling sounds not unlike a kitten emanated from within its tentacled mouth as it moved over to Crow and snuggled against him.

Joel grinned. “You see, sirs, Crow and Tom have been feeling a little lonely lately, so I thought together we'd make them a pet! I call it the Cithy-bot!”

“Yes, the Cithy-bot is truly the best for robots trapped on Satellites everywhere!” Tom announced. “He's loving, attentive, picks up after himself, and can play all day without needing any rest whatsoever! He'll even defend underwear and comic collections!”

Crow scratched the Cithy-bot's head; the Cithy-bot snuggled closer, purring and mewling. “And he's so cute!” Crow added.

The Mads felt simultaneously nauseous and scared out of their minds; Dr. Forrester decided to settle for a confused, “But why does it look like...like that?!”

Joel shrugged. “Tom and Crow wanted it that way,” he said simply.

“Okay, okay, Gypsy, I'm going, you don't have to push!” Michael J. Nelson's voice abruptly said as the man in question walked onto the bridge; his jumpsuit smelled strangely of apple vinegar and Swedish meatballs.

“Hey, Mike!” Joel greeted. “Where've you been?”

“Huh? Oh, I was just—OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” Mike threw his arms up around his face and backed away from the Cithy-bot.

“Uh-oh...” Crow muttered as the Cithy-bot turned towards Mike and growled, claws unsheathed, tentacles waving menacingly at him.

“Uh, Joel...did we forget to add Mike on the Cithy-bot's “Okay” list?” Tom asked Joel fearfully.

Joel gulped and grinned sheepishly. “Whoops...”

“AUGH!” Mike screamed in panic as the Cithy-bot's wheels charged and it did its best to leap on him, though it only managed to bounce a bit. “Help me!”

“Ah, jeez, hang on--” Joel started to say, but his eyes widened and he immediately shouted, “Everyone, get under cover!”

The Cithy-bot let out a large amount of purplish-blue foam as it jerked and twiched, still growling at Mike.

“Oh, no, it's going to BLOW!” Tom cried in dismay as he joined Joel behind the console. Joel pulled out an umbrella and raised it over his head as he tried to curl into a ball.

Mike, Crow, and Gypsy all did their best to get out of the way as the Cithy-bot jerked about even more and finally exploded with a rather dull “poof” sound. The foam spread everywhere and covered everything in a fine, sticky mess, though fortunately, Mike, Joel and the Bots—except for poor Cambot—were spared.

After a moment of tension, Joel stood up and wiped the foam off of Cambot's lens and the viewscreen. He gave a mortified look at the Mads. “Heh...sorry about that. It kinda had a nasty bug...”

Dr. Forrester and Pearl were laughing their heads off, splashing water all over the place. Eventually they managed to stop; Dr. Forrester wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. “Remind me never to hire you to take care of my robot dog.” Shaking his head, he looked over at Erhardt and shouted for him to bring the invention over. Erdhardt waded over to a nearby shelf and hefted what looked like an old-fashioned television up and placed it on the table in front of the mad scientists; its screen faced the viewscreen.

Pearl wiped her hands on her poncho to dry them and then switched on the television; it lit up with a menu screen proudly displaying the name “Dub-o-matic.”

“Dub-o-matic?” Tom scoffed.

Pearl shrugged. “Not all names are winners...” She cleared her throat. “Over the years, Japan has been churning out one anime after another, and North Americans have been gobbling them up like they were free chocolates!”

“But of course,” Dr Forrester continued, “practically every single one has been dubbed poorly, either with voices that make you retch, dialog that makes your hair curl both for its pure idiocy and lack of attention to the source material, and did I mention the bad attempts at localization of cultural references?”

The MSTies shuddered. “Yeah, tell me about it,” Crow whined.

Pearl grinned sadistically. “And even when an anime is dubbed decently, anime fans still whine and moan and complain about how its never perfect, and how subtitles are so much better. The advent of the Internet has made fan-subbing easier, but with so many anime licenses being bought up by dubbing companies, fans just can't keep up!”

“And frankly, we wanted a slice of the pie, if you know what I mean!” Dr. Forrester chuckled evilly. “That's why we invented the Dub-O-Matic! With it, we can dub any anime lickity-split without having to waste time and money hiring new voice actors or re-writing scripts!”

“Let me show you an example!” Pearl messed with the dials and brought up a video clip of an anime the MSTies were completely unfamiliar with, though it seemed to be something similar to Naruto or Dragon Ball Z. On it, a man outfitted in yet another bizzare form of martial arts costume was bouncing around, screaming ridiculous attacks in a Richard Simmons-esque voice at some sort of monster which kept dodging them while making horrendous puns about how much of a failure the martial artist was, usually comparisons to fruits or vegetables while adding how good they were for him.

Mike, Joel, and the Bots couldn't help cringing. “Geez, isn't it bad enough that 4Kids and Funimation already do this?” Tom asked angrily.

“Nope!” Pearl laughed. “And with the money we'll save, we can afford to buy up the licenses already purchased and redub already dubbed animes! Imagine Goku talking like George W. Bush, or Sailor Moon sounding like Oprah Winfrey!”

“The best part is, we can distribute these all over the internet and wipe out any fan-sub or other dubbed episodes and force everyone to watch this horrible dreck!” Dr. Forrester cackled with glee.

The MSTies could only shake their heads in shame. “You're too cruel for words,” Mike muttered.

“Thanks!” Pearl beamed. “We sure do our best!”

“Speaking of anime,” Dr. Forrester said, “your experiment this week dives into that realm with a Ranma Â½ fanfic, a rather abysmal tale of murder, revenge, and outright massacres, all lovingly penned by James Birdsong. It's called “Ranma Snaps!” and it's going to go down like hard cheese!” He gestured for Frank to hand over the fanfic, which he then very carefully fed into the feeder, managing somehow to keep the papers from getting soaked.

“Enjoy!” Pearl smiled. The viewscreen switched off.

“So where were you anyway, Mike?” Tom asked.

Alarms screamed and lights flashed all over the place. “I'll tell you later because right now we've got FANFIC sign!”

(DOOR SIX: A Velvet Curtain Opens Up)

(DOOR FIVE: An Iris Straight Out Of Stargate SG-1 Whirls Open)

(DOOR FOUR: A Door From Star Trek: TOS, Complete With The Sound, Opens)

(DOOR THREE: A Thick Iron Blast Shield Lowers Into The Floor)

(DOOR TWO: A Buzzing Forcefield Deactivates)

(DOOR ONE: Twin Vault-Style Wheels Spin And The Door Opens Up To Either Side)

Joel carried Tom into the theatre and placed him on the far left chair, sitting down next to him. Mike sat on Joel's right and Crow sat in the far-most right seat.

“So, Ranma Â½, huh?” Tom commented. “Boy, been awhile since I've watched that.”

“Yeah...shape-changing martial artists, crazy fiancÃ©s, hilarious antics...fun stuff,” Mike said. They quieted down as the fanfic started.

> Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. Rumiko Takahashi does. This is

> mere fanfiction.

MIKE: And we are but mere MSTers. Bring it on.

> Ranma and Akane were holding hands and walking toward school

TOM: Poor Ranma had to be carried after eating Akane's cooking for breakfast.

CROW: I'm surprised she didn't just mallet him.

> ".. You're not uncute Akane"

MIKE(Ranma): Who are you and what have you done with the real Akane?!

> Ranma's words hung there in the air after there was a minute or

> several minutes of silence

JOEL Then Ranma took them down, folded them, and stuck them neatly in his cabinet.

> "She knows she is a tomboy yet gets mad when I tell her she is. I ..

> that doesn't make sense. She can't cook. Why does she get upset I am

> so wary of the food. I'm not only person to be so afraid. Does she

> get so angry at my pops or her dad? Nooo"

CROW: Looks like Ranma ended on “She likes me not.”

MIKE: Well, they could always have hate sex.

> Ranma sighs hoping Akane would misinterpret said sigh would think it

> instead is a loving sigh dedicated to her instead of a small sigh out

> of mild frustration which was the reality of this situation unbeknown

> to the youngest Tendo daughter for Ranma was right that Akane did not

> suspect

*Crow imitates a helicopter*

TOM(News Reporter): Uh, yes, as you can see, there's a major pile up of sentences...the highway is already closed in both directions...

> Akane knew Ranma loved her. So often he just makes her so angry

> though. Such hurtful words. Oh there is Shampoo riding bike towards

> them. Shampoo jumps off bike, flips then glomps Ranma

*Shampoo's theme plays*

ALL: Nihao!

JOEL: I never get tired of that...

> "That pervert, letting Shampoo hold him like that.. he must be a

> pervert for letting Shampoo do that.

CROW(Akane): It's not like she forces herself on him or anything...

> Egads what a twotimer"

*Everyone giggles*

TOM: Akane must've joined up with Scooby and the gang.

> Ranma noticed glomp. It is hard to miss when a purple haired red eyed

> woman glomps you with strong arms.

MIKE(Voice Over):The wild Shampoo strikes without warning...

> Well the woman was a girl of sixteen but the point isn't getting message

> no matter how much Saotome Ranma looks unhappy instead of pleased

> to be so glomped by the chinese girl. Shampoo isn't getting message that

> no quite bluntly means no

BOTS: D.A.R.E. To Say No!

JOEL: Think about it, won't you?

> "Let go Shampoo. I don't love you"

ALL(Singing): It was a fun time...but now it's over...

> Ranma tries to push her off. He seriously doesn't want Akane's temper

> to flare

CROW(Ranma): I'm out of Ethers and I am NOT going to buy more just because she uses her MP so fast!

> "Why is Akane blaming this on me?"

TOM: 'Cause you're the comic relief, bub. Deal with it.

MIKE: We have.

> He can see that Akane is getting mallet the mallet out of

> hammerspace. She is getting ready.

JOEL(Akane): I'm about to drop the hammer and dispense some indiscriminate justice!

> Akane did get understandbly angry.

> Akane often hits Ranma instead of Shampoo. Often? Is it more like

> almost always or always.

MIKE: Uh-oh...the author's arguing with himself...

CROW: This is NOT a good sign.

> This case too Akane hints Ranma with the

> mallet without caring for excuses however good they might have been

TOM: The hint being, of course, “DIE!”

> "Akane nooo, no freaking no"

JOEL(Darth Vader): Nooooooooo!

*Mike shudders*

MIKE: Joel...never do that again. Please.

> He twitches after attack. It hit and it hurt even a martial artist

> like him. Akane did not however look at him with sympahy. Maybe there

> would be no bruise but the emotional pain would be clear be there

> actual physical bruise or not.

CROW: Ranma took to wearing his heart on his sleeve with enthusiasm.

> Ranma was tough but he does not deserve abuse now does he? Regardless

> the harm is done

JOEL(Ominous): Ranma would never be the same again.

> "Whew that'll show him. What a louse. I can't believe I actually

> believed he loved me"

MIKE: I'd say Akane's like the weather, but I think we all figured that out from the start.

> Akane glares at Ranma as if every bit of previous twenty minutes

> meant diddly squat and she had forgotten her lovely romantic morning

> walk with him. She conviently places away all memory and happy

> feelings she had towards him.

TOM: This message brought to you by Shampoo's Memory Eraser! Our Motto: Fugget about it!

> Now it seems hate reigns in every

> artery and vein instead of the love or patience. Reason is not

> winning at all.

MIKE: So this is different from how Akane is usually...how?

> Poor poor pitiful Ranma

TOM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, suck it up!

> Ranma twitches twice more then grins. He laughs dangerously perhaps

> even insanely.

JOEL: The part of Ranma will now be played by The Joker.

MIKE: Mark Hamill or Jack Nicholson?

JOEL: Oh, definitely Nicholson.

> No it was not because of Kodachi drugs or pressure

> points. He's simply had enough.

TOM(Ranma): No more mister nice Ranma!

> Shampoo wasn't punished. He was. Ukyo

> wasn't one thought perverted. He was. Even though he gentleman and

> hero and nice guy, it is HE HIMSELF people think of as pervert.

CROW: Yes, in case you missed it, Ranma's a pervert!

> Pops and Tendo-san as well as strangers. Kasumi never thought him a

> pervert but almost everyone he has ever stinkin met has come to

> conclusion at one time or another decision hard to shake that Ranma

> Saotome is a pervert

TOM(Stephen Colbert): Moving on.

> "Akane are you an idiot?"

*Crow pulls out a mallet*

CROW(Akane): Do you value your LIFE?!

> Akane does not answer. She looks confused instead

> "Um no I'm not. You are you dodo"

TOM(Akane): You are you! I am me!

ALL(Akane, Singing): And together, we're happy!

> She turns and goes walking towards school with arms crossed as if

> Ranma was in the wrong. It might seem so to her. She did nothing

> wrong did she?

JOEL(Akane): He just needed some disciplining! That's it!

> "Aiyaa! Ranma come with Shampoo please"

CROW(Shampoo): Shampoo need help to fry duck!

*Mike, Joel, and Tom all cringe*

> Shampoo wasn't truely stupid. Her Japanese was not perfect but she

> was not stupid.

> But like many in Nerima she is perhaps a moron when

> it comes to seeing others feelings and being mature. Shampoo like

> many of the Nerima Wrecking Crew is a teenager with conclusions

> drawn, wants natural, and to an extent selfish.

TOM: Did the Mads send us a fanfic or an encyclopedia?

> She helps Ranma to her feet

MIKE: Wait, did Akane's mallet come with cold water or something...?

> "Leave Akane please. Come with me"

CROW(Shampoo): I'll draw up a nice hot bath so you can relax...

> Ranma snaps Shampoo's neck after helped up.

JOEL(Mousse, Despair): SHAMPOO!

MIKE: Dr. Sweet: The early years.

TOM: Let the character slaughter commence!

> Shampoo may be best in village but insanity is not something miss

> Shampoo had been on guard for.

CROW: That's what you get for not wearing your Ribbon!

> It was quick. It was painless. It was not something she had any reason to

> be expecting. There was no witty banter. No last words of farewell.

*Tom shakes and fidgets*

JOEL: Easy Tommy...we're going to see a lot of repetition...

> If Akane heard the neck crack there was no indication

CROW: Well of course not since she walked away...

> 2. Tatewaki

MIKE(Singing): There just ain't nobody I know...like Tatewaki...Kuuuno!

> "Wait up Akane, I don't wana be late either.."

> "What do I care"

JOEL: About tree-fitty.

> Akane's statement doesn't even cause Ranma to respond. They arrive at

> campus shortly after that moment

TOM: Only to hear a shout of “Petrificus Totalus!”

CROW(Ranma): Whoops...wandered into Hogwarts again...last time we ask Ryouga for directions...

> "Ranma didn't even whistle. Shampoo probably went home.. but

> something seems off ever since that glomp. Nah must be my

> imagination"

MIKE(Akane): Ranma was just practicing what Dr. Tofu taught him...yeah, that's it...

> She was unaware of the previous scene which she had no idea of not

> even dreamed of being possible from her sweetie Ranma.

TOM: Sweetie?!

JOEL: Huh. I would've thought Akane would be more of a “Darling” myself.

> Shampoo was gone, gone from now on. Never again to bother Ranma.

> Maybe others would join Shampoo. That as well was unknown to the Tendo girl

CROW(Birdsong): But not to me! Heeheehee...

> "No apology? You're blaming me Akane.. blaming me. Sheesh never is it

> your fault?"

MIKE: Ranma will now speak in iambic pentameter for the rest of the fanfic.

> The last part was sarcastic. Ranma looks disgusted. But due to where

> they are and what time it is chances are that likely others figured

> it was because of Kuno and not intenal muttering

TOM: Oh that makes perfect sense—huh?!

JOEL: This fic's more confusing than Time Cube!

> Kuno despite what many thought was not always calling himself the

> Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. Except for that first introduction it

> was rarely used.

CROW: He goes by Tachi the Bokki now!

> He in black pants and a blue shirt came to deliver roses to the fair and

> beautiful Akane Tendo

MIKE: The unconscious body of Tuxedo Mask lay in the bushes a few feet away...

> "My eyes doth gaze on your beauty Akane Tendo. Date with me and all

> the stars shall smile upon us"

TOM: Now, now...no need to bring Xenu into this.

> Every witness thought what came next was an accident; Ranma is not a

> killer by habit right? Ranma was not a sorceror despite what

> Principal Kuno's son did believe

CROW: He's a seventh level Wizard. Completely different.

> but Ranma was grumpy this day, not in a good mood. Perhaps for good

> reason. It started off such a good day but now the day was ruined. If

> previous events had not occured could the unbalanced Kuno child have

> ruined Ranma's day no one in the world knows

MIKE: And no one cares. Just get on with it!

> "Akane beautiful yes. Akane fair no way buster brown"

*Crow giggles*

CROW: Buster brown?

JOEL: Wait, when did Kuno say that stuff out loud?

TOM: Must've been while Birdsong was rambling on and on about stuff we

already knew.

> He was seen by witnesses at the yard grabbing Kuno Tatewaki by collar

> and dragging him towards the school's outdoor garden pool.

MIKE(Ranma): I'm going to give you such a pinch!

> No one stopped Saotome Ranma. Why should they. It appeared status quo.

> Just another fight between Ranma and Kuno. By how wrong they were.

> Ranma stuffed Kuno's head into the water and drowns him. Kuno; second

> victim of Ranma's unaverage day

JOEL: Hey, water's supposed to be the source of life, not death!

> "Hey.."

CROW: Hiya!

> "That's enough Ranma!"

TOM(Hiroshi): You're only supposed to give Kuno two servings a day and he's

already gotten twelve!

> Hiroshi noticed that the bubbles had stopped. Tatewaki's body looked

> limp. It looked limp as if was dead

MIKE: As opposed to limp as if it were salad.

> "He's had enough."

> People pull Ranma away from Kuno boy's body

> "Let's get Kuno to the nurse"

> "Oh gods. Ranma's never gone this far before"

MIKE(Hiroshi): Usually he just gives Kuno a playful dunking!

> Nabiki checks on Kuno's pulse.

> "It's too late. Kuno's dead"

ALL(Singing): Ding dong, Kuno's dead! Which Kuno? Tatewaki Kuno!

TOM: Though at this rate Kodachi's probably not far behind...

> Which was true. Nontheless she and Hiroshi carry Kuno to the nurse

CROW(Nabiki): The nurse is a necrophiliac and I've got a dead body! Ka-ching!

JOEL: Eww...

> 3. Hinako

MIKE(Jar-Jar-Binks): Sensei person gonna die?

> Ranma did not hate teacher's guts nor was he lecherous ever to her

> for lechereous reasons.

TOM: He did, however, act lecherous towards her for business reasons.

CROW(Nabiki): Okay, just hold it there...a little more...and got it! Thanks Ranma!

> He in fact wanted to make her adult default

> and she be okay, free of changeing from one to the other.

*Everyone is silent*

MIKE: I'd sure hope so REGARDLESS of why he wanted to do it...

TOM: Ugh...

> Hinako assumed Ranma was perverted however which was quite far and distant

> from the truth. Ranma did not deserve to be thought a dirty young

> man. He was a fine honourable man in no way a student of Happosai

> regardless of rumours.

TOM: YOUR REPETITION IS BECOMING TIRESOME...

*Joel pats Tom's shoulder to calm him down*

> "Ninomiya Hinako I have let you shift blame on me, YOUR LIES HAVE

> GONE FAR ENOUGH"

JOEL(Ranma): Telling the whole school I have a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll was NOT funny!

> Needless to say that these these thoughts did occur to Saotome Ranma

> now that everything seemed so clear, so easy, so simple. Hinako had

> given detentions he didn't deserve, assign water bucket duty too

> often than was necessary

MIKE: But it makes for a cheesy way to turn him into Ranchan!

> "APOLOGISE!"

> Hinako would not apologise. As far as she knew she had no reason to.

> Why was Saotome randomly shouting? There was no reason. No logic to

> it in the teacher's mind

JOEL(Spock): It is not logical.

> "You will sit down this minute or else"

TOM(Hinako): Don't make me get the paddle!

> Sometimes that tone works. Even in little child form she was the

> sensei. The teacher. Students typically listen. Not always but often

> enough to attempt. Furinkan was an odd school. The principal was a

> hawaiiphile lunatic. A teacher like her wasn't out of place

MIKE(Hinako): I like it here. It suits me.

> Ranma gives a snort of impatience

> "No I will not sit down. Apologise Ninomiya Hinako"

*Crow stomps his foot*

CROW(Child Hinako): I don't WANNA!

> Needless to say she did not apologise. Instead as expected, he would

> have been disapponted by the way if she hadn't, she gets out coin and

> attempts suck out Ranma's ki.

TOM(Hinako): I vant to suck your ki, ah ah ah!

JOEL: It's game over, man! GAME OVER!

> Ranma throws an eraser that plugs circle of the coin.

JOEL: ...or...not...

CROW(Ranma): Haha, who's laughing now?!

TOM(Hinako): Gulp...

> Then jump out of seat and while Hinako stunned with anger kicks teacher

> in the noggin so back of her head hits chalkboard

MIKE(Shao Kahn): FINISH HER!

> Then he chooses to get yardstick and ram it into teacher's chest

MIKE(Shao Kahn): Ranma wins: FATALITY!

*Joel winces*

JOEL: I'm surprised the yardstick didn't just snap in two...

> Hinako gurgles, a faint protest no one will deny. But a protest

> perhaps even call for mercy. But no mercy came. She died. She may

> have been a chi vampire but she was human not supernatural in origin.

> There was no need to cut off her head. The wooden yardstick through

> her heart was fatal all by its lonesome. Sensi was dead

TOM: Goodbye, Hinako! We hardly knew ye!

> 4. Akane

ALL: GASP!

MIKE: Not Akane! He wouldn't kill Akane!

CROW: Sure he would. Why else the build-up in the first chapter?

> "Ranma!"

> Akane finally caught a clue, caught on that Ranma was not being his

> passive aggressive self today

TOM: Gee, he's only murdered three people since this morning. What clued you in?

> "I think you should go see Dr. Tofu right away Ranma"

JOEL(Akane): I hear chiropractic medicine can cure insanity now too!

> It was supposed to be said in worry. But it instead came out like

> accusation. An order. A thing of statement instead of suggestion.

TOM: A command, if you will.

> Akane did care for her engaged-to-be but always with only little

> exception the careing was not blunt and hurtful things said and done

> by or or the other instead. Tendo Akane had her share of the blame.

> Ryouga was blind to that. Ranma wasn't

*Crow nearly starts singing Amazing Grace but Joel manages to clamp his beak shut in time*

> "Is that so?"

MIKE: Indeed it is!

> Ranma had throughout all of the class time forgot Akane was there.

TOM(Ranma): Akane who?

> Now he noticed her again. He scrutinized her. There was no indication

> Akane was sorry. No sign of Akane feeling humble. Akane's aura had

> anger not a wife's standard reaction to a husband who just killed

> someone.

CROW: Yes, the standard reaction is “Honey, don't forget to skin the body!”

*Mike and Joel turn green*

MIKE: Crow, please...

CROW: Sorry, sorry...

>They weren't married but that was moot, maybe irrelevant to

> the extreme "You say should as if it means must" Ranma was not

> wanting word games or any games really.

> Today has finally been a few straws too many on back of the camel of patience.

JOEL: That camel is very picky...you have to give him fifty-four and a half straws and not a bit more!

> Would no one talk to him like he was a person instead of a robot expected to do as

> everybody says. No one has logic but him darn it. No one believes him

> a good man. Maybe it is time to surrender to madness instead

TOM: Ah, that must be the Hannibal Lector logic.

> "Yeah. Yeah it's so"

MIKE(Akane): Whatchu gonna do 'bout it?

> Akane's danger sense tapped metaphorically at her shoulder.

CROW(Troi): I sense danger, Captain.

> Her conscience said to back down but like her beloved Ranma backing down

> was not option likely to be taken. The path she took instead was

> standing her ground.

TOM: As opposed to what? Scaring him off with a moonwalk?

> Some kids got out of class. Akane's two friends

> tried to talk Akane out of staying with Ranma right now but Akane

> does not listen.

JOEL(Akane): I'm going to beat some sense into him if it's the last thing I'll do!

BOTS(Friends): It will be! It will be!

> It was not gonna be pretty, and news did travel that

> Kuno was dead. Akane was too busy with stare down, a game of chicken,

> a game of guts, to notice

MIKE(George): Yes, as you can see, Tendo Akane is warming up for the

hundred metre dash! She's looking good today, eh Bob?

TOM(Bob): That's right, George! She's gonna smash Ranma like he was a

moldy toothpick!

MIKE(George): Hehe, maybe so. We'll see here in just a few minutes, but first,

a word from our sponsors.

*Joel and Crow sing a random commercial jingle*

>.She was not being typical girl. She never was one.. but if only she had been

> bigger man by being a woman what happened today could have been avoided.

JOEL: Kids, see what Akane did wrong? Don't be like Akane.

> But fate had done enough warnings. Fate had put arms up and let the situation

> be. It had to be. Situation been long coming all in all

CROW(Fate): Hey, I just do what I'm told, alright?

> "This morning meant.. nothing? All the good times mean nothing? No

> trust? No faith in me?"

TOM(Ranma): You do not deserve faith.

> Ranma even though often a girl due to water based curse did give try

> at being bigger man, being mature, trying to keep temper in check

> "I knew it. I knew it.. Akane is a female dog.

*Everyone bursts out laughing*

JOEL(Akane): Oh yeah? You're a child born out of wedlock!

MIKE(Ranma): I'm going to send you to h-e-double-hockey-sticks!

JOEL(Akane): Oh, go fornicate yourself!

> I go back to her with every try at making our relationship work. It's failing.

> It failed. She doesn't WANT it to work. She does want it to work but she won't

> do her part.. putting me first. My faults are not as big as they say.

> IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT"

CROW: Suddenly, without warning, Ranma had a heart attack!

JOEL: Oooh...shouldn't've had that bacon this morning.

> Yeah alot isn't his fault. Ranma knows this. Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi,

> Ryouga, all NOT his fault

TOM: Well, actually—

*Mike covers Toms mouth*

MIKE: Nuh-uh. No nitpicking!

> "Huh.. No you bozo of course I don't trust you"

*Everyone places their face in their hands*

CROW: Are you trying to get killed, Akane? Is that it?

TOM: Hey, it gets her out of this fic.

CROW: True...

> She knew this was wrong answer to quelch his anger, his homicidal

> tendencies but things had way of esculateing.

JOEL(Snagglepuss): Escalating, even!

> Fight before reasoning. That is how relationship went for them at times

MIKE: That's how ALL relationships work...or at least all of mine...

> "Shut up conscience, He is a pervert, a jerk, doesn't love me"

CROW(Jiminy Cricket): But—

TOM(Akane): I said shut up!

CROW(Jiminy Cricket): Fine! See if I guide you anymore!

> The memories were there of him saving her, but somehow she chose

> placing coincidences as proof he MUST be pervert and bad, never ever

> fiancee to marry despite knowing in her heart he isn't pervert.

MIKE: Ah, the George W. Bush approach.

> But heart weak by now, tired. Everything so tired of reasoning with her

> issues. Maybe she was spoiled. Maybe she did seem now a female dog.

TOM: You know, now that I think about it, it would fit her as a Jusenkyo Curse.

CROW: I dunno...she kinda struck me more as a goat.

TOM: Because she's always getting kidnapped?

CROW: Natch.

> And naive to Ryouga's feelings to boot. But things always worked out

> fine so far.. so why change things. Don't rock the boat and all that.

> Never did seem anything ever had to change..

MIKE(Akane): But that was before this man showed up with a hundred dollar bill...

> Ranma's laughter was indication maybe a few cards had left the deck

JOEL(Ranma): Oooh, darn it! I dropped my deck!

CROW(Akane): Hah! Have fun playing fifty-two card pick-up!

> "Okay dokey Akane"

MIKE(Strong Bad): Obeekaybee!

> Ranma springs forward not quite like a crazed hyena but the

> expression on his face might have suggested that.

TOM: Ranma takes the Nekoken in a completely different direction...

> A smile of someone with nothing to lose because everything already was lost.

> He had lost Akane for last time.

CROW(Ranma): Akane is gone!

*Joel waves his hands*

JOEL(Akane): Ranma! I'm right here!

CROW(Ranma): Gone forever!

> She had said it, hinted too many times, she doesn't want be his love. There no

> holding back for Akane's sake now. Akane always wanted fight without Ranma

> going soft on her. Be careful what you wish for

> Um yeah.. er he's not faking this.."

MIKE: Gee, ya think?!

> Akane was not winning. She fought well, fought good, would be good

> and is good, cept she is not Saotome Ranma good martial artist.

CROW: As opposed to Saotome Ranma, gourmet chef.

> She hadn't trained in Art like him. She hadn't dedicated entire life to

> martial arts. Akane was good enough to beat thugs, horde of students,

> and even good enough to beat Tatewaki, but she ISN'T Ranma.

TOM(Duke Nukem): This repetition really pisses me off...

JOEL: Easy, Tommy...

> Time passed, blows exchanged or rather Ranma too good at speed, strength,

> dodging, etc. When it ends.. Akane has been beaten. Someone beat the

> snot out of her. Ranma is that somebody.

*Everyone winces*

MIKE: Not a good way to go...

> Regret has been tossed away, washed away by message he is in the right and

> everybody else is in the wrong. Nobody knows what is right for Ranma cept Ranma

CROW(Jiminy Cricket): Well, actually I'm available if you want—

TOM(Ranma): Nobody asked you!

> "Moron"

MIKE(Akane's corpse): Dickweed!

> Ranma of course was remembering for brief moment Akane's accuseing

> Ranma of being one unfaithful

TOM(Ranma): I remember it like it was two seconds ago...

> Ranma is sure of himself that he has never been untrue or disloyal to

> Akane. Now he is free of two of his fiancees instead of just one.

> Life continues for him resulting in sweet freedom from the chains

> that binded him by contract, by honour, by his very soul to things he

> never agreed to of her own free will. Whew for him

JOEL(Ukyo): But what about me—

CROW(Ranma): NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! LALALA!

> "I'm free mwahahaha"

MIKE: Don't forget to pick up your complimentary free Ranma on your way out of the theatre!

> 5. Nabiki

ALL: Nah-nah-nah-nah—

CROW: —biki—

ALL: Nah-nah-nah-nah—

CROW: —biki--

ALL: Hey Hey....GOODBYE!

CROW: Nabiki!

> "But now that I am free; now what?"

MIKE(Ranma): Hmm...Disneyworld, or Six Flags?

> Was he still in his right mind maybe not. Was his mind shattered who

> could say.

TOM(TroI from First Contact): He's nuts.

> But when he then saw a scared Nabiki in the doorway he

> knew what he must do. He knew precisely what was next. He knew what

> he had to do even if it was after all on my body.

CROW(Ranma): I must give Nabiki...a MASSAGE!

> More blood on his proverbial hands. She deserved it. She maybe more

> than just anybody. Nabiki wasn't joe average.

MIKE: Or even average joe.

JOEL: You don't have to reverse the names of everything, you know...

> Ranma knew that. Tendo Nabiki was responsbile for some of Ranma's troubles

TOM(Ranma): I decide who lives and who dies! I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!

> "Gadzooks"

CROW: Ods bodkins!

> Nabiki was not in her ice queen personality right now.

MIKE: Right now she's in fiery temptress mode, mrow...

JOEL&BOTS: ...

> Akane didn't move still. Akane, Nabiki's sister, had ceased to live. Akane

> would not be home for dinner. Little sister was gone

TOM: And the first thought through her mind was “Thank God I don't have to eat

her cooking anymore!”

CROW(Whispering): Psst! Tom! I think we've hit the limit on those jokes!

TOM: Oh, we hit that a long time ago.

> "Ranma did this?"

CROW: No, it was Happosai...of course it was Ranma, you boob!

> Not only that but he also killed a teacher. But regardless of that

> Akane was dead. Akane. That.. that can't be? Can it?

JOEL(Ominous): It is so.

> "Why Ranma did you.."

> "Shut your piehole Tendo"

MIKE(Ranma): With this delicious cherry pie! HAH!

*Mike mimes shoving a pie into Nabiki's mouth*

> Ranma would never owe anything to that lady again. The days of being

> nice to Nabiki were over. No more blackmail. No more deals. No more

> schemes.

CROW(Ranma): It's curtains for you!

JOEL(Nabiki): Oh, poopie...

> Ranma gets the class flag and throws the pole at Nabiki's

> stomach with as much thrust as he pleased. No hesitation in the toss.

> It went through air and went nicely through front of the middle

> sister and out the back.

> "Score!"

TOM(Sports Announcer): And Ranma wins the flag toss once again!

*Everyone applauds and cheers*

> Another body added to the dead

*Mike and Crow snap their fingers*

JOEL&TOM: Another one bites the dust!

> "Toodles Nabiki"

> With that and not a salute more Saotome Ranma exits classroom and

> never looks back at the handiwork

CROW: So that's the fifth one dead. Who do you think's next? Happosai? Mousse?

JOEL: Put me down for Genma!

TOM: Me too!

MIKE: Eh...I say Cologne.

*Everyone hands money over to Crow*

CROW: And now, drumroll please...

*A drumroll plays, and after a moment the cymbals crash*

> 6. Cologne

*Mike dances a jig*

MIKE: Woo-hoo...woo-hoo!

JOEL&BOTS: Aww...

*Crow hands the money to Mike*

> "Son-in-law it is not right to kill an elder's great granddaughter"

TOM(Cologne): Great-grandsons, on the other hand...eh, kill all you want.

> But didn't matter what Cologne thought right or wrong. The hypocrisy

> of how much to hurt Shampoo and how much to let her get away hurting

> property and people had added up.

CROW: Lemmee run the numbers here...divide by six...it adds to...HUH?!
Negative four?! Lousy piece of junk calculator!

*Crow tosses it to the floor*

> Even if great Cologne understood by this time it was too late to make

> ammends either way. She saw the boy, oh the wonders of what could

> have been.

MIKE(Singing): What might have been...

> "Wait there boy"

JOEL(Cologne): I've got something for you!

> Ranma grins and steps over towards a pear tree instead of casual

> conversation with the old lady.

ALL(Singing): On the first day of Christmas, Ranma gave to me...
A Cologne in a Pear Tree!

> "What is going on with you today Ranma?"

TOM(Ranma): Oh, just same old, same old, a little insanity, a touch of murder...you?

> No answer. Ranma knew strategy. Although Amazons are great fighters,

> great tacticians, good martial artits and some are in reality very

> bright even simple plans are able to work perfectly fine.

CROW: So...how are they good tacticians, ect again?

> Simple traps. A minute later there is a loud snap of a beartrap.

ALL: Aurgh!

MIKE: A beartrap? Jesus...

JOEL: I get the feeling Birdsong watched a LOT of Final Destination before writing this.

TOM: At this point we're just reading to see who gets killed by what...

> The beartrap been placed by somebody else to trap Ranma's leg but since

> Ranma had known about it instead Ranma's adversary is one caught in

> it.

CROW: The old switcheroo, eh? Gets 'em every time...

> An old lady killed by a trap. It did not matter who set up trap.

> Coulda been Kuno Kodachi. Coulda been Gosunkugi Hikaru. Ranma didn't

> care. Coulda been one of half dozen others. Didn't matter now.

TOM: THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

*A trail of steam emanates from Tom's head; Joel pulls out a massive air can and

blasts Tom with it*

TOM: Whew, thanks Joel...kinda got steamed there for a minute, heh.

> Blood oozed from head and body of ex-elder. The teeth of beartrap was as

> razy sharp as they looked. Beartrap didn't care who was its victim.

> It was a device and had no mind thus no decision in the matter. So

> Ranma left things the way they were.

> "Off to Tofu now"

ALL(Singing): We're off to see the Tofu, the wonderful Tofu of Nerima!

> 7. Genma

JOEL: Come one and all and witness the father-son clash of the century!

MIKE: Can Genma stop his son from continuing his murderous rampage? Tune

in, same “Snaps!” time, same “Snaps!” channel!

> Along the way Ranma met his pop.

TOM(Ranma): Ah, darn it, it's a Dr. Pepper! I wanted a Sierra Mist...

> "Uh son, time to skip town. Shampoo's dead. The authorities were at

> the dojo. They think you had something to do with it"

CROW(Genma, Brooklyn Accent): The coppers are after us! We gotta beat it!

> Genma did not actually think his son had done it but better to just

> leave than face consequences. Better go than go to station to give

> statements, or see authorties otherwise despite whatever reason is

ALL(Singing): Brave Sir Genma ran away! Bravely ran away, away!

> “I got your backpack here son. Training trip.. right?" Genma was a

> pretty good fighter. Not as great as his son but a great one.

> Unfortunately honour was not Saotome Genma's specility. He may boast

> and brag of honour but many are not foolish enough to believe hin

> anymore. He was an old man. A crafty man.

ALL: A good friend.

> But not a man with the foresight to know his son became cuckoo because

> of status quo as of this very morning

CROW: I'm—

*Mike clamps his beak shut*

MIKE: You even THINK of saying that...

CROW(Muffled): Sorry, geez...

> "No way old man"

TOM(Ranma): You took away my manhood, caused a Chinese Amazon to

try and kill me, got me engaged to three different people I wasn't interested in

and generally made my life miserable. In what crazy mixed-up world do you

think I'd be STUPID enough to come with you again?!

*Joel, Mike and Crow applaud*

JOEL: Nicely done.

> Ranma kicks his pops into a fence. Some blows are exchanged. Some

> distance covered.

MIKE: Stuff happened.

JOEL: Life moved on.

> Washer woman practicing uchimizu.

TOM: Practicing what?

*Crow whips out a dictionary*

CROW: Uchizmu: the act of sprinkling water with a ladle on streets and gardens to

cool the area down in the summer.

HUMANS&TOM: Ooooh...

> It did not take a genius to know soon Ranma fighting a panda. Genma known to

> some as panda-san in the form he is now had no idea Ranma could be so

> devious. So deadly. So calculateing and ruthless. The panda was lend

> to Kuno compound and to the pond of said compoud.. for reasons of

> Ranma's treachery. Saotome, we hardly knew ye.

TOM: Hey, that's my line!

> Genma father of Ranma died due to Kodachi's crocodile

*Everyone winces*

JOEL: Oh...the irony...

MIKE: Poetic justice, more like it.

CROW: Uh-huh!

> "I shall be on my way now"

TOM(Ranma): I've got a whole lot more regulars to kill!

> 8. Ryouga

MIKE: I was wondering when we'd get to him.

JOEL: He would've been here sooner but he kinda got lost sometime after chapter one.

CROW(Ominous): The Eternal Lost Boy is about to embark on his final journey...

> Troublesome dad was gone. Maybe before recent events Genma counted as

> a loved now. But .. events had made clear that for quite awhile Genma

> had failed parenting etiquitte and did not deserve fatherhood

*Everyone giggles*

TOM: Recent events?

JOEL: Try all of Ranma Â½!

> "Die Ranma!"

MIKE(Ranma): In this fic? I don't think so!

> Not it wasn't Tatewaki back from the grave. No it wasn't Mousse. It

> was the call of the Eternal Lost Boy. One known as Hibiki Ryoga

CROW: Also known as free bacon.

> "Akane's father is crying. Explain yourself"

JOEL(Ranma): Hey, it's not MY fault he couldn't take the replacement of his

mahjong set with Folger's Crystals!

> Ryouga had bad luck often in his life. Maybe worst was today. Good

> luck going from Tendo household and finding Ranma so soon after, not

> felt lost all day. His last day on Earth was best day ever with

> direction, worst day ever if one counts day one dies as a bad day.

MIKE: I would call that a bad day, yes.

> On the plus side he never learned Akane was dead and Akane never learned

> her P-chan's secret.

TOM: At least not till they reached the Pearly Gates.

MIKE(Saint Peter): Now let's see here…you turn into a pig with cold water,

and you've been snuggling with this young woman without her knowledge?!

JOEL(Akane): RYOUGA-KUN!

CROW(Ryouga): Gulp…

> "Soun got a call from the school saying something has tragic happened

> you are involved. Don't deny it Saotome!"

CROW(Ranma): Alright! I admit it! I gave the fat kid some cake! I'm sorry!

> Ranma did not deny it. Instead he gave a small laugh.

MIKE: Folllowed by a chuckle and a snicker.

TOM(Ryouga): Don't you have any guffaws?!

JOEL(Ranma): Go fish.

> "Let me go see Ono now Ryouga"

TOM(Ryouga): Ohno, I'm not letting you see Ono! No!

*Everyone else falls out of their chairs*

> Such was not to be. Hibiki was strongwilled. Strong of heart. Not

> strong in common sense but strong of honour if one does not count the

> whole P-chan secret thing.

MIKE(Saint Peter): I count everything!

> Bread wars, daily battles, learning to be

> rivals instead of strong friends. Who could deny Hibiki would respond

> in the negative. Another battle was fought instead of simple greeting

> or tea and cookies.

CROW(Ryouga): A'llo, Ranma!

TOM(Ranma): A'llo, Ryouga!

CROW(Ryouga): Care for some tea and biscuits?

TOM(Ranma): Oh, don't mind if I do!

> Ryouga might have done better had the two not

> been at crocodile's home still. Cold water plus cursed by Jusenkyo

> equals the predicted results.

JOEL: Cherry Jello!

> When Ranma left on his way he was not interupted by any more rivals or

> family. But he did leave the Kuno grounds as a girl and leave behind a dead

> porcine. Maybe Kodachi would feed the dead pig to some snakes or mince it

> up for potions. Ranma didn't care what happened to the now quite dead ex-rival.

> He did not shed a tear from Ryouga nor Genma at all

MIKE: What, no description of how he killed him? No weird, crazy death like a

flag through the chest or anything?

TOM: And since when can Ranma keep up with Ryouga as a pig anyway?

CROW: Eh, skip it.

> 9. Tofu

JOEL(Homer Simpson): Mmm...Tofu.

> Ranma arrives at the place and goes inside

> "Heya doc"

*Everyone hums the Back to the Future theme*

> Ranma was cheerful for the moment but it wouldn't last

TOM: Ranma wanted to use a Shishi Hokodan next.

> "Erm hi Ranma. Is everything okay?"

CROW(Ranma): I've been murdering people left and right all day! What do

you think?!

> Doctor Ono cleaned his glasses then put them back on. He wasn't as

> blind as Mousse nor as loveobsessed for his so called soulmate. He

> liked Kasumi though. Everyone knew it. Did Kasumi know it? Did it

> matter?

ALL: NO!

> "I got a call from Kasumi .. saying Akane's dead"

MIKE(Dr. McCoy): She's dead, Jim.

> It was common that his glasses would seem steamed after a talk with

> Kasumi. But it held it together oodles better than it would be if

> Kasumi had actually met him in person. Some really believed for

> certain Kasumi liked Tofu so it all worked out except for fact

> neither had said their feelings for each other of yet

JOEL(Ominous): And they would never get the chance.

> "Yeah everything's peachy"

TOM: I'd call this more of a banana day myself.

MIKE: Nah, it's an orange.

CROW: Kiwi! KIWI!

> "Geez he's a moron. She's a moron. We've all been morons"

CROW(Strong Bad): This, we know.

> He mentally scolded himself. Yes he knows he's been a moron for

> listening to dad and for many of of the things he's done since being

> in Nerima. Ranchan goes over to bookshelf and Tofu follows

MIKE(Ranchan): Doctor, I think I have a problem.

JOEL(Tofu): What's that?

MIKE(Ranchan): You never stop following me!

> "Now's my chance to make things be okay for everyone, for me and for

> them. You will never say your feelings, just like I wouldn't. In fact

> you're older therefore you SHOULD have done better. I at least have

> had talks with Akane, my dear love, I have made ATTEMPTS at a normal

> relationship. You aren't Mousse, you aren't me, you aren't Tsubasa.

> Doctor Ono you were supposed to be a role model to us teenagers. But

> you weren't. You were a big disappointment. Just like my dad. Just

> like Tendo. Just like everybody."

TOM(Ranma): I don't need you! I don't need anybody!

> Tofu was not sure at all what Ranma was talking about. Was what the

> boy is saying some coping mechanism for the grief that his fiancee

> died?

CROW(Tuvok): Unlikely.

> "Um.. can you elaborate Ranma?"

*Everyone sighs*

TOM: Yay, more repetition...

> He saw that Ranma was crying but also angry, more than peeved, more

> than annoyed, close to meltdown

> "Whatever it is we can work this out"

MIKE(Tofu): I'll get the pens and you get the paper!

> That could be famous last words. Some might might have counted that

> as such an event if there was though any witnesses to the scene. But

> no. No there was no one there but Ono and Saotome. Tofu would die

> alone and without any children. So was his fate

*Joel looks very sad*

JOEL: Fate sure is harsh.

> "Gah I'm positive he never even knew of Akane's crush on him. Hahaha

> now he's crushed"

CROW(Ranma): I love killing! What fun!

> Just moments before, seconds before really, Ranma had pushed over the

> entire bookcase of medical texts

*Everyone falls out of their seats*

TOM: Thank you, Pun Master...

> "Bye bye"

TOM: See ya later!

CROW: Farewell!

JOEL: Ja ne!

MIKE: Hasta la vista, baby!

> Bye bye indeed. One less human in the world. Ono Tofu was completely

> unreversibly dead. Ono was crushed underneath that bookcase. There

> was no more heartbearts in that body nor blood flowing in those

> veins. Brain activity has stopped. Ranma was free to leave on his way

> right on out the front door

MIKE: I'm going to laugh if Tofu turns into a zombie and chases after him.

JOEL: That'd be poetic justice for everything Ranma's done.

> 10. Conclusion

*Everyone cheers and applauds*

> Out front door and into waiting police force.

*The Price is Right failure noise plays*

ALL: Wah-wah-wah-waaah...

> Soun may have been a dummy just like rest of the associates of Ranma

> but he was also a father.

TOM: Making him worse than the rest due to his bad parenting skills.

JOEL: Ah, come on...Soun's a good dad.

TOM: Eh...

> Before even called Tofu he had called the police. Soun

> without Genma did not come to conclusion to marry Kasumi to Genma.

> Even if Genma were alive, which he wasn't, it would have been

> difficult to convince Soun to allow the murderer of his two girls to

> the remaining girl.

CROW: That's one way of putting it.

MIKE(Soun): Let the murderer of my daughters marry Kasumi? Why, sure!

> Thus fact Ranma now being arrested was not due to

> a fluke. Maybe concidence that police had guessed Ranma would come

> here. Then again witnesses at school possibly reported Ranma would

> come to Ono's office. The truth is irrelevant now

JOEL: Only the Cheese matters now.

ALL: Hail the Cheese...Hail the Cheese...

> Ranma was sentenced to juvenile prison for seven years with weekly

> counseling by a shrink.

TOM: Huh?

> There wasn't need for maximum security

> facility in his case. He had snapped sure true not a drop of doubt in

> that. On other hand he was not a maniac.

TOM: What?!

> The boy had pleaded guilty and that always helped in these cases.

> His insanity was valid. He didn't want to get off. What he had did may have

> been wrong in practice but to his understanding right in necessasity. The

> need to open his eyes, open everyone's eyes especially his own had been

> paramount

TOM: WHAT THE CRAP?!

CROW: Yeah, really...

MIKE: Isn't Japan really hard on murderers? Like, death penalty hard?

TOM: YEAH! This is ridiculous! There is no way, not even in some fantasy land

where everyone gets rehabilitated all the time would Ranma get just “seven years

of counseling!” He'd be locked up for life, and in any country with the death

penalty he'd probably get it! He should be frying now! Doing the electric

dance! Playing the harp with the angels! A—

JOEL: Guys, guys...relax...it's almost over.

*Tom fidgets but he quiets down*

> The counseler wanted to think Saotome Ranma simply had a wild

> imagination but Soun's statements had kicked that theory in the rear

> and out metaphorical window.

JOEL(Theory): YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEeeeeee...

> Mousse would have had testified had he been called.

CROW: 'Course his testimony would've been immediately thrown out because

he'd kept his glasses off the whole time...

> Kodachi would not have been on prosecuter's witness list. Nor would

> Principal Kuno.

TOM: The prosecutor was found dead later, a black rose in his throat.

JOEL(Kodachi): Ranma-sama!

MIKE(Ranma): Ah, nuts! Should've killed Kodachi when I had the chance.

> Nontheless case never went to trial as is clear now. There was no need.

> All of Nerina, least those relevant, knew of Saotome. When a defendant pleads

> guilty and the story told to judge the judge was amazed not just due to

> circumstances of why, and how, and for who.

MIKE(Judge): Wait, wait, wait...you fed a panda to a crocodile?

JOEL(Ranma): I fed my DAD to the crocodile.

MIKE(Judge): Right...Bailiff! Ring up an animal cruelty charge!

JOEL(Ranma): I also killed P-chan...

MIKE(Judge): Make that two!

> Analysts would have been a waste. Judge of this issue considered and so

> as stated before seven years with help for Ranma's mind and soul was the

> answer.

TOM(Head Nun): We'll take care of the rest! Matilda, get my paddle!

CROW(Matilda): Yes, ma'am!

JOEL(Ranma): Oh boy...

> People could sigh in relief. One year for every person killed. A pig and a

> panda were not counted despite fact they are sometimes people.

> Justice doesn't have to quibble over details after all.

CROW(Judge): If they weren't people when they died, they don't count!

MIKE(Ranma): But they were my dad and rival!

CROW(Judge): NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! LALALA!

> Would anyone wait that long? Would anyone miss Ranma and be there

> when he got out from this entire weird yet completely necessary mess of

> uh prison time and pychatrists

JOEL(Q): Hmm, I'd have to say yes.

> The answer turned out to be yes. Nadoka waited for her son. Forgave

> him. Ukyo forgave him too. It was perhaps hard for Nadoka when she

> heard of Ranma's conviction but when Ranma's secret came to light.

> When she learned oh that poor boy, yes sepuku contract was nullified.

TOM(Nodoka): I only ever wanted to kill Genma anyway!

> Ranma had took it like a man, took entie life as Genma's son and

> treated as a prize as bravely as any man could.

CROW: He flushed it all down the toilet.

MIKE(Nodoka): I love my murdering transvestite son!

> Ukyo was of similar opnion and took some blame too.

TOM: Some blame for what? Making him snap?

JOEL: Well, that spatula DOES hurt...

> She had spoken to her dad. Yes Ranma was free to wed her now. But at what

> price. A high price. Ukyo's gender issues got self analysed while she waited.

*Everyone giggles*

MIKE: Just like that, huh?

TOM(Ukyo): Now...tell me about your mother.

> Nadoka gave her support

CROW: IfyaknowwhatImean...

> When Ranma got out seven years later he had no desire to go see Soun

> or Kasumi nor did he want to face Furinkan High and especially never

> face Happosai.

JOEL(Happosai): But...Ranma-chan—

TOM(Ranma): Get away from me!

> Some people would have taken much longer than seven

> years to recover from madness but Ranma was a fast learner when it

> came to his spirit. Ranma had matured from a messed up 16 year old

> into a more rational 23 year old.

MIKE: He only murders every so often now.

CROW: And he's so polite about it too...gives you a card and everything!

> He visit Ucchan's for some okonomiyaki and caught up on what been

> going on for the seven years he had been behind bars and getting his

> sanity back

JOEL: How Ranma Got His Sanity Back: Now playing in select theatres.

> Things turned out okay in the end. It was later and okay by both.

> Relationship allowed to sort out like nonengaged people do. In the

> end they did wed at both 24 years of age and live happily ever after.

JOEL: Uh-huh.

CROW: Sure.

MIKE: Whatever you say.

> THE END

TOM(Dexter): Oh, no, I'm not falling for that again!

ALL: ...

JOEL: I think it's actually over!

CROW: Woo-hoo!

MIKE(Donald Duck): Let's get out of here!

Joel picked up Tom and followed Mike and Crow out of the theatre.

(DOOR ONE)

(DOOR TWO)

(DOOR THREE)

(DOOR FOUR)

(DOOR FIVE)

(DOOR SIX)

Joel stepped onto the bridge where Gypsy was handing out drinks; Joel took a glass of faux wine and thanked her. He sipped, savouring the carbonated cherry flavor. “So, guys, what'd you think?”

Tom chewed a RAM chip thoughtfully. “Joel...let's face it. That fic was bad. It was horrible. It sucked tremendous cheese!”

Crow said, “The author spent way too much time repeating things everywhere, especially stuff everyone already knew!” He paused. “And I don't see Ranma snapping like that. Ever.”

“Yeah...it was a little over the top,” Joel agreed.

“A little?” Mike snorted. “It was ridiculous! Rulers through chests, flags through abdomens, bear-traps...” He thew his hands up in the air and was silent for a moment. Then he suddenly chuckled. “Actually, it was kinda funny now that I think about it.”

“So over the top horror that it becomes comedy?” Tom asked. “I dunno...”

“Well, you gotta admit that “female dog” bit was a laugh,” Joel pointed out.

“True...”

“Think there was anything redeeming about it?” Crow pondered.

Joel said, “Well, sure! Even if the author did it rather badly, it WAS a nice take on how Ranma could be insane. We saw him switching moods here and there, accusing people of random stuff and generally acting like what you'd expect of someone snapping. Sure, we all know RANMA wouldn't snap like that, but some people can, and it was interesting for that.”

Tom shakes his head. “Joel...you're just too nice sometimes, you know?”

Joel shrugged. “Eh, it's how I am.”

A red light washed over the bridge. “Mads are calling!” Gypsy announced as she pressed the button.

Dr. Forrester and Pearl appeared on the screen, amidst a now completely dry Deep Thirteen; they were watching an episode of Ranma Â½ on their Dub-O-Matic; on it Ranma was speaking in a grotesque voice that made Joel, Mike and the Bots all cringe. After a moment, Joel managed to ask, “So...what do you think, sirs?”

Pearl grimaced. “Wow...this is even worse than I thought it would be.”

“All in the name of science, mother.” Dr. Forrester shot a grin up at the SoL occupants. “Got through another, eh? Well there's always next time. And there will always be a next time. Count on it.” He chuckled, and waved Erhardt over. “Turn the Dub-O-Matic off, Frank.”

Erhardt scrambled over and turned the power dial to the off position. The Dub-O-Matic stayed on, still displaying its horrendous take on Ranma Â½.

“Uh...hehe...I guess the water shorted it out?” Erhardt smiled sheepishly.

“Frank!” Dr. Forrester snarled at the same time his mother growled, “Bobo...”

Erhardt backed away from the approaching scientists; on his way he accidentally hit the button.

THE END

*Might Science Theatre theme*

Thanks for reading this MSTing. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

James Birdsong, thank you for writing this fic. Keep up your own writing; you've got a spark of talent in there and with some time and effort, you can turn it into a blazing inferno of writing.

I want to thank Megane 6.7 again for inspiring me to start up this MSTing series, and again, I hope it lives up to yours.

I also want to thank Jim Gadfly for his wonderful website with tips on MSTing and that amazingly awesome source formatter tool. I can't stress enough how useful that thing is.

Thank you to Best Brains Inc. and Joel Hodgeson for creating Mystery Science Theatre 3000. We'll keep circulating those tapes.

Again, thanks for reading. Please review this MSTing, either where you found it or by sending me an e-mail. Keep an eye out for more MFT9K!

picardmpc@gmail.com - E-mail Kyronea

http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly/mst3k.html - Jim Gadfly's MSTing page

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4242126/3/Ranma_Snaps -Original, Un-MSTed fanfiction

*Twang*

> "I knew it. I knew it.. Akane is a female dog.