Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Memoirs of being in the Saddle ❯ The bridle ( Chapter 16 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

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I have to hand it to Ranma, he was made of stern stuff, I honestly thought vomit was a done deal. 

 

When the TV shut off and he came back to me at the table he was walking awkwardly, and when I saw why it was hard not smirk. 

 

He had an erection.

 

To use a phrase the kids nowadays use: Duh, that's what pornos are for. It wouldn't be a very good porno if it didn't arouse.

 

Of course, who it aroused and why are what made it so interesting. 

 

He shuffled into the kitchen chair and only relaxed slightly when the table was obscuring the view. And by relaxed, his skin was pale, breathing ragged, shaky.

 

"You see why I'm concerned, right?" I had to pretend I wasn't seeing his weakness, and it wouldn't do for Ranma to have bourbon on his breath if he had to be somewhere in less than thirty minutes, so I had a glass of water at the ready for him. "They were following that video, and you now know what their end game was going to be."

 

"I thought they were my friends." he whispered. "How could they do that to me?"

He was still putting himself-herself in that shower, still unable to separate the tape from what happened.

 

"Because Ranma," I said quietly. "They decided that being your friend was worth less than you being in their hands."

 

"Huh." He mused equally quietly, flat. "I see."

And that was that. Hiroshi and Daisuke were dead to him now. Jin and I would snip them off later.

 

"The problem is," I was getting good at these dramatic pauses. "They still have fifteen minutes left, don't they?"

At his look, I knew he hadn't forgotten that fact either. Would they try from the beginning? Would they try something else?

 

"I won't let them do that to me. I'll-"

 

"Cancel?" I asked, interrupting him. "Can you pay them the half that you'd owe?"

He flinched slightly. "I gave all the money to Nabiki already."

 

"Can you ignore the rumors they could spread? That Nabiki certainly would fan and expand on? If she doesn't hold it as blackmail forever."

That flinch shook the table. You see, Japanese are extremely social animals, more so than Americans or Europeans. People have committed suicide for lesser rumors.

"What should I do then?" he grit his teeth and ground out. "Let them do that to me?"

 

"There's another way." And I reached for the envelope. 

Four ten-thousand yen bills and two five-thousand ones.

 

"You pay them both back, in full, and let them know that there's no hard feelings." I held up a finger to interrupt. "And, that if any rumors leak out, any at all, you'll know it's them and break every bone in their hands up to their elbows. Every. Single. One."

 

That shut him up. "Nabiki doesn't want to be the one seen starting any rumors, so without them saying anything there's no way for her to get anything off the ground. If she tries, those two will have to deny it or risk things breaking."

Thankfully he didn't ask how I'd know that fact, and with the solution to his woes right in front of him, he'd naturally overlook it. I'd have to be careful in the future though. 

 

He seemed thoughtful for a moment, then his eyes settled on me. "Then I'd owe you big." Paranoia gripped him, as it should. "What would you want from me?"

 

Before his mind could conjure scenes from the video again, I was quick to soothe, and also not offer any pity.

 

"More yard work, I can't scrub my floors very well with this leg." Ever try to run back and forth pushing a cloth along the floor? Not so easy with a metal leg. "And then there's the neighborhood. I help out a fair bit since I have the free time, hauling groceries, sweeping steps." I handed Ranma the tally of people's names and what they needed done. "You can do these."

 

His eyes swept over the list looking for the hidden perverted thing I'd want him to do. Papers and contracts had burned Ranma enough times to make him check thoroughly.

 

Nothing. Just honest work.

 

After a moment, he took the money.

 

"I'll pay this all back, I swear it." Gratitude and seriousness were mixed in equal measure. 

 

"Take your time, there's no interest or anything." I waved him off. "I know you're good for it."

 

Relieved, he made to rise from his chair and froze as something tapped the table. Yes, he still had a bit of a 'hard' problem, didn't he? Ah, teenagers. 

 

"You don't have to hide that, not around me." I gestured vaguely at his posture. "Like I said yesterday, whatever you like, it's nothing to be ashamed of." 

 

Once again I was misinterpreting the situation, trusting that Ranma wouldn't be able to explain. 

 

"It's-not-that-I'm-Um..." And he was so fun to tease.

 

"Honestly, I've had worse things than that pointed in my direction thanks to work." I grumped, somewhat amused.

 

With an annoyed grunt he grabbed his glass of water and splashed himself in the face.

 

"I-gotta-go-thanks-bye!" And she was gone, money and papers with her.

 

"Two weeks!" I called as I heard the footsteps go. Then I chuckled and finished my drink as I heard the back door slam shut. 

 

I wonder if Ranma knew how thin his red Chinese shirt was and how it clung when he forgot to wear his undershirt? Or that arousal was one of the few things that transferred over?

 

Could put an eye out with those things.

 

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If Nabiki was expecting to have blackmail on Ranma forever and ever she was sorely disappointed.

The two boys said nothing, did nothing, and counted their lucky stars that Ranma wasn't going to maul them when their brains got the blood back from their dicks.

She was quite interested in where exactly he got the money, but since he was staying away from me for two weeks she eventually turned her goons to other matters. 

Ranma was busy, he had a long list of little jobs in the neighborhood to do, and he quickly found ways to turn it into training. 

- Put up a fence? Push the nails in with his fingers.

- Paint said fence? Use a tiny brush and his Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken.

- Roof tiles were easy for someone who could jump up and down from the rooftop.

And so on.

 

His activities kept him away from the Tendo house, and coincidentally, Nabiki.

At this point, he barely responded to her at all, to the point that even Soun noticed there was bad blood between them.

 

And I listened to it all from my room with a view.

Still, the time passed, and I had things to prepare.

But to know what to prepare, I had to head to the Nekohanten, the Cat Cafe, to talk with Cologne. 

 

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This was both my first time going here, and I think my fifth.

It's so hard to tell, you see I can't remember.

I mean that quite literally. I don't ever remember going there.

 

The first time, at least I think it was the first time, I must have said something that got Cologne's attention.

What I remember was being hungry, and then coming home with a full belly and getting a call from my producer wondering where the hell I was. I blamed the leg, an always awesome excuse, and tried to piece together what had happened.

I had a coupon for 30% off a bowl of ramen that was good for anytime in the next two months in my wallet.

I went again in a week, only this time I had a tape recorder in my pocket, a pretty decent one.

Once again I had no memory of going there, but I did have a recording.

 

From what I can piece together, Cologne, leader of the Chinese Joketsuzoku tribe, was using me and various others as an information network. Mostly town gossip, of which a lot of it was centered around the Tendo house, if you can imagine that.

It was really quite clever. With different coupons expiring at different times, anytime someone came in during a quiet period was a potential agent. Cologne played her old lady role to a T, bored and looking for gossip.

It was terrifying, knowing I'd not remember a piece of my life, like when I was in the hospital for the many surgeries I'd needed.

Heading there never got any easier, but the information I got from her was without peer. She was extremely candid, since she knew I wasn't going to remember anything. 

 

Ah technology, even martial artists can't stop progress.

 

I waited for Shampoo to head out on a delivery before I came in. At least I think I did, that was the plan, right?

 

"Welcome customer." God Cologne sounded old. If I hadn't seen her throwing Ranma around like a rag doll at the beach I'd probably believe her shtick.

 

"Hello. Um, I have this coupon, I can't remember where I got it, but is it still good?" I waved the coupon in her direction. She snagged it, and made a show of looking at it.

 

"It appears to be so. Come in, come in. Anything you order is 30% off." She pogo sticked away pointing at an empty table. 

A menu was no doubt presented, not that I know what was on it aside of the Ramen the store was famous for. Since I couldn't remember what I'd tried, I couldn't really decide. Cologne helpfully suggested that this dish here would be one I would like, I could hear the tapping of her cane on the menu, which I think translated into I ate that dish before and I liked it.

 

After I ate, and I don't know what it was as I'd just said, 'that sounds fine', came the grilling. Not of any meat or vegetables, but of me.

 

Oh, just an old woman who was stuck in the shop and simply loved gossip, as old people did. 

And so I'd offered what I figured was safe, somebody's cousin's aunt saw this happen, or there was another fight at the Tendo house, which if you listened to the rumors that Uncle Kojira was spouting was half the dojo was obliterated, and so on.

It was actually quite interesting to hear myself decide on what to say. I knew I was going to paint a picture of trouble in the Tendo household, as that was not only what she was looking for, but also something she could corroborate with other witnesses.

 

As my meal drew to a close, she'd ask me if I had any questions for her, as apparently she loved to answer things to 'nice young men like you' which was apparently anyone under 90 or so. 

Not that I'd remember any of it, but it fulfilled some twisted sort of honor she had or something.

 

I tried not to disappoint.

 

"Does Shampoo use a litterbox?" 

 

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Ever hear a pogo-cane hopping old woman nearly fall on her ass? Cause that's what it sounds like on the tape recorder. A pity I can't treasure the memory though. 

 

"Ah young man, every time you surprise me so!" She cackled, clearly recovering with the speed I've come to expect from martial artists. 

 

"This is my first time here." I'd always respond, according to the tapes.

 

"Of course, of course, forgive me. I am an old woman and memory is always the first thing to go, followed by the memory of course." She'd pause for half a beat and then. "What were we talking about again?"

 

Every single time. She had like three jokes total.

 

"I simply must know what brought this question about young man. Do tell."

 

"Well," I began after sipping my water. "I live near an empty lot that the Hibiki kid tends to camp in. He tends to make it a halfway point in his journey to the Tendos."

 

"And how close are you to the Tendo home?" She asked. 

I assume I shrugged. "Less than an hour away?"

 

After she chuckled for a bit on the tape, a ghastly sound, I think she waved me to go on.

 

"Allow me to clarify, I don't live upwind of the lot."

 

That earned me an "ah" of understanding.

 

"Now, pig's are naturally fairly clean animals from what I've read, and should bury their droppings instinctively. Now the lot's ground is pretty hard packed dirt, but if I left a pile of loose dirt in a corner..."

 

"Would he use it and spare your nose?" She sounded amused.

 

And then she answered.

 

=-=-=-=

 

I found myself marching home, a full belly, and no memory of how I got here. 

And, naturally, a tape player still running.

 

I checked my wallet, there was a coupon for 40% off, set to expire in about a month. I also had a note in my own handwriting reminding myself that I had some dirt to pick up.

 

Short answer. Shampoo does have and use a litterbox. 

Long answer, yes the curse does mess with your mind. It's not called the 'magical springs of body changing thanks to clumsy volunteers' after all, Cologne had excellent sarcasm for a non-native Japanese speaker. You go there, and if you mess up, even a little, the spring gets you. If you are new, or unique, or if you can't swim really well, you become a new pool.

 

Otherwise, it's like a karma dumptruck falling on you.

- Ranma Saotome, martial artist who didn't even know he had to be 'A man among men' thanks to a seppuku contract? Spring of drowned girl.

- Genma Saotome, also martial artist and creator of many powerful techniques? A panda, which has so little energy that Genma doesn't really train Ranma anymore. Or do anything but leisure. I know he was different when he first got here. I heard of the sparring and training they did daily at incredibly early hours of the morning. At first anyways...

- Shampoo, who apparently wasn't knocked in by Cologne for her failure, that was spin control and a nice claw of guilt to keep Ranma from brushing her off. Cursed into literally the stuff of nightmares for her love, and the second worst thing she could be for getting anywhere with Ranma, with the first being an even bigger cat.

 

I'll go into Shampoo in detail later memoirs, don't you worry.

 

Back to the curses. At first you're you, but it doesn't stop messing with you, and not just physically. Shampoo grooms herself as a cat, and has, as a human, thrown up a hairball once apparently. 

Genma's energy and will slowly drained until it takes a fair amount of pain or terror to get him to do anything. 

And Ranma, my object of obsession, despite remaining human, isn't free of the magic either. It's apparently even worse for the human ones.

 

Remember that one guy from the Cult of the Muscle Sword? A little water and he goes not only physically from a heavily muscled murder machine into a tiny monk, but also mentally as well. 

 

His mind was changed. Full stop.

 

Ever notice how often Ranma's first instinct to solve a problem when it isn't about martial arts is to be someone else? Yoiko, Kew, or Ranko to name just a few? But a Martial Arts Gymnastic fight? Ranma Saotome in a leotard. A fight with Mousse while under some sort of pressure point? Ranma Saotome in a bunny suit.

 

But take away violence as the answer...

Then it's okay for her to be not Ranma. And Ranma relaxes, and becomes a girl. 

 

And that terrifies him.

That's why he and she keeps looking at the mirror, it's not vanity or lust, it's a search for identity. 

Ranma doesn't always see Ranma in the mirror. Sometimes it's just a girl.

 

And who does he have to talk to for help? A fiancée who screams at him a lot and calls him a pervert. A father that's fading away into apathy? The Joketsuzoku who as far as he knows want to haul him off and make him into a trophy husband thanks to Shampoo's description of it in her bad Japanese and a shittily translated book. 

 

Before, there was only Tofu, and he's gone now. Not sure when he packed up and left, I didn't visit him at all. 

 

That left me. 

 

Only me.