Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Those Who Hunt Ninjas ❯ Those Who Hunt Ninjas ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Prologue


Akane stretched her hands towards the ceiling as she finished putting on her dress. She paused a moment to examine herself in a mirror. Not the best she had ever looked, but not bad either. Satisfied with the results, she exited her bedroom and headed downstairs to see if Kasumi had finished making breakfast already. She was humming a little tune to herself, and had just reached the bottom step, when loud noises coming from the direction of the Saotomes' bedroom caught her attention. Unable to tell what the source of the disturbance was, she braced herself for the worst and made a detour towards the room. Just as she turned the corner, she saw that both Nabiki and Kasumi were already standing next to the open doorway. Kasumi seemed concerned while Nabiki appeared apathetic about something that was going on inside the room.

As Akane approached the doorway, she heard the sounds of Ranma complaining, "Knock it off, Pop! I don't wanna get up."

Genma's retort of, "Foolish boy. Be a man about this," was easily heard from Akane's position next to the door.

Poking her head around the corner, Akane looked into the room. Ranma, still dressed in boxers and a red tee-shirt, was clinging desperately to the floor. His blankets were wrapped around his midsection and his pillow clenched in his teeth. Genma had his son by the ankles and was apparently trying to force him to release the deathgrip he had secured with the flooring.

"What's going on?" Akane asked.

The interruption made Genma pause in his efforts. "Ranma here says he doesn't want to wake up and greet the day." He returned his attention to his son. "The boy needs to get up and face the day's challenges like a man."

"No way!" Ranma insisted as the pillow dropped from his teeth. "I knew as soon as I woke up it was going to be one of 'those' days. A really bad one, and I don't wanna have to deal with it. It's Saturday. I want the day off."

Akane sighed. It was up to her to resolve the situation. She entered the room and snatched Ranma's ankles away Genma. "Quit being childish, Ranma. You can't see the future and you can't stay in bed all day. Now come on. Let's go eat breakfast."

Akane began pulling on Ranma's legs, having much more success than Genma. Using brute strength alone, she forced Ranma to move, the boy leaving behind grooves in the flooring that were molded in the shape of his fingers as he desperately tried to stay where he was. It was to no avail as he found himself slowly dragged from the room.

"A cute fiancee wouldn't make me do this," Ranma protested as Nabiki moved her leg calmly away from his attempt to grasp it.

"It's a good thing I'm an uncute fiancee then. You're getting up and going to breakfast," Akane growled in agitation as dragged the reluctant Ranma to the breakfast table.

Ranma looked at the people left behind in the hall. "Remember, no matter what happens today, it's not my fault! I didn't want to get up!" Those were his last words as he was dragged around the corner and out of sight.

"The boy's just being lazy," Genma said with more than a hint of doubt in his voice.

"Do you think we should prepare for the worst?" Kasumi asked. She wondered if she should make some extra food, since trouble frequently meant someone would be dropping by the house for a visit.

"I know I'll be," Nabiki said. "That's why I'm going to be sleeping over at a friend's house. I'll be leaving as soon as I'm packed, which should be in about five minutes."

Genma wondered if he should hide... err, sleep over at a friend's house as well before remembering that was essentially what he was already doing. Well, there was always the possibility of getting some cold water and hiding out in the panda pens at the zoo for a couple of days. It was a sound plan, and they had all the bamboo one could eat. Sometimes the visiting children would even toss marshmallows at him. Not a bad deal, really.

As the trio considered their options, Ranma's cries of, "No one's sticking me with this one!" echoed throughout the house.

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Mindless Tripe Productions proudly presents:

Those Who Hunt Ninjas

(Not a fusion or crossover with Those Who Hunt Elves. Any similarities between the two names is purely coincidental)

(Really)


Any and all C+C appreciated. You can contact me at:
sommer@3rdm.net

Standard Disclaimer:
I disclaim I own any of the Ranma Characters.

All of my stuff is now stored at:
http://angcobra.jumpfun.com/dbsommer.html

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The stone walls of the corridors of the ancient keep were mottled green with a fungus that gave off a revolting aroma that made Mai's nose cringe. The smell vaguely reminded her of rotting fish mixed with sulfur, or what the bathroom was like the day after Tai had eaten Mexican food and downed a keg of beer. The smell of Mai's own burning flesh would have been preferable to putting up with either one's noxious odors.

And thinking of burning flesh, she ducked as burning arrows shot out from murder holes in the walls that were cleverly concealed by the growth of fungus. That explained the run down state of this section of the keep; the better to catch one off-guard with.

Mai tucked and rolled too fast for the hidden archers to track her. As she came out of her somersaults, having made it well past the murder holes, she leaped up into the air. She was almost high enough to touch the ceiling of the passageway; a necessary thing when wanted to avoid the section of flooring that gave way to reveal a pit with a numerous set of deadly, sharpened wooden stakes lining the bottom.

Mai yawned in mid-air.

As Mai landed deftly upon the other side, the teenage girl took an inventory of her uniform. The standard night black ninja outfit hadn't even suffered a snag. That was for the best, since she unequivocally detested sewing repairs to any of her garments.

She continued to advance up the corridor, now running in a sprint. Upon turning the corner, she found herself confronted by a huge Bengal tiger. A large stream of saliva dripped from its jaws as it roared in hunger in her direction.

A tiger, how utterly original. Not. As she continued running, Mai reached into her outfit and came out with a huge piece of raw meat. She tossed it to the tiger, who caught it in mid-air and ravenously began to devour it. Mai gave the large feline a soft pat as she raced past.

The corridor seemed to be getting noticeably warmer. Mai was trying to figure out what that might forebode when three ninjas, all much larger than her, seemed to flow out of the very stones ahead of her. The ninjas were spaced evenly at ten feet apart from one other. The first had a large katana drawn, the second had a sickle with a long, weighted chain attached to the handle, and the third held a variety of throwing stars between the fingers of both his hands.

Without breaking stride, Mai ducked under a swing from the first man and lashed out with a palm thrust to his throat, downing him in one blow. The second had already begun spinning the weighted chain around and hurled it at her, intending to tangle up her legs. Instead, Mai snatched the chain and kept running forward, again without breaking stride. The second ninja drew back in shock at the display of coordination and agility. That proved to be his undoing as in a blur, Mai whirled the chain in her hand and released it, wrapping up the ninja's legs in his own weapon. She ran past and jerked, causing the man to fall face forward. His jaw cracked loudly with the impact it made on the cold gray floor.

The third ninja released over a dozen throwing stars in Mai's direction. Every one of them headed right on target: directly for the teenage girl. Effortlessly, she snatched each one of the weapons out of mid-air and made a pile of them in her hands. She then lightly tossed them in a heap next to the third ninja's feet as she ran past.

"No need to thank me," Mai shouted as she looked over her shoulder towards the motionless man. "I know those things are expensive to replace."

The sounds of a string of colorful curses about her ancestry and which barnyard animals were mixed in with it grew fainter as she continued running at top speed through the complex.

The corridor continued to grow warmer until Mai found herself sweating under her outfit. At last, she could see the corridor widen up ahead, a bright red glow emanating from that direction. She was almost to her goal.

As Mai entered the huge room in the center of the keep, she noted that it was the size of a large cavern. Instead of a floor that she could walk across, she found herself standing at the edge of a precipice, with the corridor behind her the only way off the protrusion. Looking over the edge of the precipice to the bottom thirty feet below, she saw the entire chamber was covered in a pool of molten lava: the source of the increasing heat. A series of small, narrow rocks dotting the chamber 'floor' rose a foot or so above the surface of the lava. From each rock was a thirty foot bamboo pole sticking upward, one pole to a rock.

Across the room, at the far side directly opposite Mai, was another ledge with a ninja standing upon it. His arms were crossed as if in expectation of something. From where Mai stood, she could just make out a white line four feet in front of him and only two feet from the edge. Even with nearly a hundred feet between them, she could feel the smirk that lay underneath his face mask. She was going relish the opportunity to wipe it off him. Just so long as he remained exactly where he was.

"Oh, this is sooo cliché," Mai wailed as she mentally plotted the course necessary to leap across the bamboo poles and to the far side. It took her ninja-like mind less than two seconds to choose the most direct course. She leaped, aiming for the nearest pole and mentally tallied the seconds until she would reach the far side and confront the final ninja, face-to-face.

As Mai reached the apex of her leap, right on target with the first bamboo stalk, a six inch spike of metal shot up from the top of the bamboo.

From across the chamber, the male ninja bellowed with a deep, sonorous laugh. "Ha, ha, ha, you're finished now!"

In response, Mai twisted in mid-air, making her plunge face first towards the pole instead of feet first. Just as she was poised directly above the spike, her face no more than six inches away, she lashed out with her hands and grabbed onto the portion of the bamboo below the sharpened piece of metal. It took a great deal of muscle, but she managed to arrest her decent. By the time she had stopped her falling motion, her face was no more than three inches away from the point of the spike.

Mai looked up and recalculated the distance to the next pole. Using arm muscle alone, she bent her elbows ever so slightly and pushed off, executing a high leap and repeating what she had done with the previous bamboo stalk. Ten such movements later, she had covered the distance to the ledge across the room, landing with feline grace on her feet and balling into a crouch a foot across the white line.

Slowly, Mai came out of her crouch and confronted the man before her. She could feel the flow of anger, directed at her, emanating from him; it was a palpable sensation. The man remained motionless as Mai placed her hand slowly into her outfit, her eyes never leaving the figure for a second. From within the confines of her ninja uniform, she pulled out a small item. She looked at it for only a moment, then her hand was a blur as she thrust the silver object directly at his face.

"Four minutes and twenty three seconds. That beats the best time for completing the course by more than thirty seconds. What do you have to say to that?"

"ARGHHH!"

"Oh, that's right. That was your record, Granduncle," Mai said in all sincerity, then placed the stopwatch back in her outfit. She began laughing and giggling, just like a five year old that had been told she'd been given a lifetime supply of A.M. Phetamine's 'Hyper Concentrated Pure Sugar Sticks'. Bouncing up and down and clapping her hand, she began chanting, "I get to be a ninja. I get to be a ninja. I get-"

"You idiot!" the man shouted. "Don't stop on the finish line!"

"What are you talking abOWW!" Mai shouted in pain as two other figures landed on her back, causing all three to end up in a tangle of twisted limbs. Little mews and feminine cries of pain began to emanate from all three of the figures.

For several moments, the ninja grandmaster, Takeo Yurisoka, considered kicking all three of his grandnieces into the lava. After all, would anyone really miss them? And it would do so much to lower the increasingly high amounts of stress he had been suffering from since the girls had become students under his tutelage. His physician had been telling him to do something about his high blood pressure, and that single act alone would cut it at least in half.

But no, they were flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood. It would be wrong. Besides, their mother, his niece, Kanuka, was more than capable of carving him into briquettes with that rather sharp katana she had a tendency to carry around wherever she went. And for some odd reason, she was quite attached to the annoying little rugrats. No. He supposed deliberately killing his grandnieces in a non-ninja related activity was out of the question.

The three teenage girls detached themselves from the pile and saluted him as though he were a drill sergeant. Takeo trembled in rage. "You don't salute! You bow, you idiots!"

All three girls bowed, their arms still raised to their brows the entire time. Not trying to kick them in the lava was becoming more difficult by the second.

Shuddering, Takeo turned around so that he was no longer facing the girls and took a moment to regain control of his emotions. He carefully considered each of his young students. Mai, Tai, and *shudder* Bobbie Joe (oh how he loathed his idiot niece for giving the girl that stupid gaijin name.) At least everyone just called her B.J., but even then, that led to some pretty vulgar jokes for which she would continually beat people up. They were triplets, but fraternal rather than identical. It was a nearly unheard of thing, but infinitely better than if they had been physical carbon copies of one another.

And now, after several months of training, they had completed the final obstacle course they needed to graduate, or so they thought. But there were other plans in store for them. With a small smile forming on his face, he spun on his heel and turned back to the girls. He could just feel the concern over his lack of congratulations pour off them in waves.

"Yawn. That whole obstacle course was like something out of a low budget Indiana Jones flick."

"Ewww. The heat from the lava made my mascara run."

"I think I need more sequins on my outfit. I'm not glittery enough."

"WOULD YOU IDIOTS AT LEAST PRETEND THAT THE OBSTACLE COURSE WAS TOUGH?! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!!!" Takeo shouted as his battle aura partially melted some of the stone he was standing on.



The Ninja grandmaster forced himself to choke back the rest of the verbal assault he wanted to unleash upon the girls. It wouldn't do to lose control before them, like he usually did. As a method of controlling his anger, he chose to examine the girls closely. He had lacked the courage to see them off, hoping against hope his absence would somehow discourage them and help prevent them from completing the course, but it had been to no avail. All three stood triumphantly before him.

Takeo looked over the student that had crossed the finish line first. Of the trio, Mai, the de facto leader of the sisters (due to her being oldest), was at least normally dressed, electing to wear a standard full body ninja outfit colored in black. Her stance was proud and ready for fight or flight at a moment's notice. Her outward countenance was that of a true ninja, even if her inward was not. There was only one tiny problem with Mai's appearance that made her stand out, namely her breast size. She was so flat-chested that she was sometimes mistaken for a male ninja instead of a kunoichi, an understandable mistake even to Takeo's own experienced eyes. Physically she was probably as attractive as her sisters, save for the fact it was in such as way that one could confuse her with being male. Bishonen; that was the term for it. She had very bishonen features, which caused certain... problems for the girl.

Takeo's skills as a teacher of twenty years made him force a compliment through gritted teeth. "Congratulations on beating the best time for the course."

Mai shrugged. "I could have done it half-drunk and blindfolded. Want me to try?"

"No!" Takeo winced inwardly at the bold proclamation. Not only because it was so outrageous, but because she was probably correct and his pride would not allow him to take the risk of her beating his time under those conditions. Oh how he loathed his grandniece's ability to trample a person's feelings without even realizing it.

Rather than dealing further with Mai, he turned his attention to the girl next to her, the middle sister, and taller then her older sister by at least five centimeters, Tai. At first glance, one would never have known the two were related, Tai being virtually the exact physical opposite of Mai. Where Mai was flat-chested and subdued, Tai was voluptuous, with long legs and enormous breasts that she insisted on showing off as much and as often as she could. To that end she tended to wear very risqué clothing. Today she was wearing a bright pink outfit that consisted of only a couple of strips of cloth that reached up from the waist of her outfit, over her breasts (covering only about half of them at that) and attached to a collar she wore around her neck. Her back was completely bare, and she wore only a tiny skirt that barely made it to the bottom of her rear end. Virtually all of her clothing was the same way. That, combined with her tendency to use high leap kicks while wearing only lacy thong underwear, had resulted in her being able to string together a record of twenty five knockouts on Takeo's male ninja students; an unsurpassed string of victories.

Trying to take his mind off her body, Takeo asked, "Where's your mask?"

Tai appeared offended at the very nature of the question. "What? Cover up this beautiful face? I don't think so."

"A true ninja wears a mask," Takeo insisted.

Tai smirked. "Even if I wore a mask, it wouldn't make any difference. It's not like guys would be looking at my face when they check me out." Tai thrust her chest forward and jiggled to prove her point. Takeo was forced to remind himself once again that this girl was family, and young enough to be his granddaughter to boot. Still, a cold shower afterwards might not be a bad idea.

"Fine," he grumbled, conceding her the little victory.

With Tai's assessment out of the way, Takeo turned to the last girl: B.J. He gave a sigh as looked the girl over. "And just what is that thing you're wearing today supposed to be?"

B.J. modeled her outfit proudly. "This is the cutting edge of what every stylish ninja is wearing nowadays. My pea green and light purple mask was designed by Billabong, the white gloves are by Airheart, and my sequined yellow top is by Quicksilver. They might have cost me a good bit of money, but appearance is everything to a ninja, right?" The thousands of sequins caught the lighting in the room just right to allow B.J. to glow like a shining star. Just what every ninja needed to sneak around inconspicuously.

Takeo noted that at least the other two girls were also shuddering at what B.J.'s twisted little mind considered a fashionable style. Even after all these months, she still wore anything that was supposed to be fashionable among ninja clans, or at least what advertisers promoted as 'what every young, hot teenage ninja should be wearing'. As with most advertisers, what they claimed was trendy and what really was were two different things. B.J.'s current outfit was proof of that.

"You show an amazing lack of judgment in what is suitable ninjawear." Takeo said dryly.

"I could always change," B.J. offered. From somewhere within the folds of her clothing she pulled out a black outfit. A whirl of the black cloth hid her entire form for a moment. When the whirl was finished, Takeo found standing before him what appeared to be a male ninja in his forties, a tuft of black hair peaking out from the top of the mask, broad in the shoulder, athletic in form, and holding himself with an air of command that could only be gained through years of teaching.

"How's this?" the figure asked in a voice that Takeo could instantly identify: that of his own.

"Don't do that! It's disturbing!" Takeo shouted. The sight before him was unbelievable. Truly B.J. was the greatest mistress of disguise he had ever seen. If he hadn't known any better, Takeo would have sworn it was in fact himself standing right across from him. She was able to mimic the tone and accent in his voice to a degree that astounded even her granduncle. Quite possibly the only thing outwardly odd about her was her choice of primary weapon which was currently strapped to her back. For some odd reason her particular choice of her favorite weapon was something that simply confounded Takeo's sensibilities. Still, in spite of what one would assume from such a small girl, she was able to use it supremely well. It was just so... unseemly for a ninja to use such an inappropriate weapon.

B.J. switched back to her 'proper' uniform, putting her granduncle at ease. Looking over all three of them, Takeo had to admit they made quite a set. Months ago he had accepted his niece's wish to train the girls in ninjitsu, the art the family had been immersed in since the founding of the school centuries ago. Takeo was regarded by many to be the best ninja of his and the previous generations, which he had proven time and again by succeeding in every task that was set before him, and then in all of the goals he set for himself. In time, growing bored with a lack of challenges and getting on in years, he had founded his ninja school and proceeded to teach ninjitsu to a wide variety of candidates from all over the globe. Not all of them were great, but all of them were at the least highly skilled ninjas. Each and every graduate he had been proud to call his own. So when his niece had approached him with the idea of training the girls in the art, Takeo had accepted without hesitation.

It had proven to be the worst mistake of his life.

In less than four weeks, Takeo became firmly convinced that all three were probably the worst trio of potential ninjas he had ever seen. They drove him crazy with their combined antics. If they had not been blood relations, and had he not promised he would teach them to the best of his abilities, he would have expelled them a year ago. But he had persevered, growing increasingly frustrated with their behavior and desperately wanting to get rid of them, while at the same time fearful of how they would disgrace the Yurisoka clan (and Takeo personally) if they graduated and it was discovered they had trained under him. So he went about trying his best to break them of their spirits and get them to quit, or fail, on their own. It should have been simple, but it wasn't.

There was one slight problem with his plan. In spite of their obvious, horrible character flaws, their actual skills were unsurpassed. Easily they were the best his school had ever produced. Combat, stealth, circumvention of traps, weapons training, in every technical field they excelled far beyond anyone's expectations. They were better than he was at their age. Hell, they were almost as good as him now; the obstacle course they had just completed effortlessly was proof of that. The problem wasn't in their inherent ability to do any job; it was in their inherent ability to mess up any job, in spite of their skills; common sense was still a skill none of them had mastered.

And now, in spite of what the grandmaster had hoped and prayed for, they had all just completed their final course, improving on his best time, beating it easily. If they were allowed out in the world now, they would disgrace his name within a year. No, probably six months. It was enough to make Takeo weep.

But there was one last hope. Something special he had added just to their curriculum which, if they failed, would set them back at least a couple of months. And then maybe he could come up with something, some technique, that would get them to start using their heads.

Or maybe they would die. Either way it meant he would come out a winner.

The girls, unaware of how far they had pushed their granduncle, looked up at him with only mild concern. Mai spoke first, a small smile breaking out across her face. "So what do we do now?"

Takeo grinned under his mask and cleared his throat. Here is where he dropped the bomb on them. "I know it's common for a student, upon completing the final obstacle course, to graduate and become an official ninja with a diploma and everything, but because you're such special students, I've decided to assign you a special final project." At last he had them. He couldn't wait to see the crestfallen look on their faces as he was able to shatter their dreams, even as they had shattered his.

"Gee, would it have anything to do with us going to the Nerima Museum of History to steal the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty?" Tai asked as she filed her nails.

Takeo's eyebrow twitched so violently the movement could clearly be seen under his mask. "Haugh dad wu nough?" was all he could get out.

"How did we know?" B.J. translated. "Simple, we broke into your private chamber and ran through your notes. It was in the notebook in the bottom drawer, right under the paper targets that look suspiciously like the three of us. You know, the ones with all of the knife cuts in them. You tend to throw slightly to the left, by the way."

"How did you get in?" Takeo got out intelligibly this time. Everything in his chamber, even his desk, was warded by a plethora of the most exotic, expensive, and difficult anti-ninja and magical traps he could find: all of them fatal. Even Takeo on the best day of his life couldn't break into his study.

"It was easy," Mai shrugged. "There were just a few dozen simple anti-ninja and magical traps. Completely predictable. It took us about three minutes to get past all of them."

"GAK!" Takeo swore he felt a brain embolism coming on.

"Well, I didn't think it was all that simple," Tai said. "There was one trap in particular that was nasty and very well concealed."

"There was?" Takeo gasped, feeling some shred of his dignity return.

"Yep. I chipped a nail on the edge of the desk. Very tricky, making the edge of your desk extra long so that people will chip their nails on it. I had to get a fake nail to take its place and everything. Very inconvenient."

Takeo could barely keep from openly crying. He settled for sniffling slightly.

Mai continued. "Anyway, we already scouted the place out. We broke into where the blueprints to the museum were stored, stole and then copied them, and then broke back in to replace them so no one knew they were ever gone. We also stole the personnel logs and duty rosters and did the same thing. We know where all of the hundreds of alarms are, the exact placement and number of the guards, where the urn is located, and everything."

Takeo's shoulders slumped in defeat. They had managed to outwit him. Maybe it was time to kill himself. If those three could make him look like a novice, there was nothing left to live for. "It sounds like you have everything planned out. There shouldn't be any problems."

"I sure can't see any," B.J. chimed in happily. "We even made sure to send the challenge letter by express mail three days ago."

Takeo's head jerked slightly. "Challenge letter?"

"Yes. That way we left plenty of time for the opposition to know we're coming."

Takeo's eyebrow began to twitch violently again. "You do understand that you're ninjas. Masters of stealth, assassination, and thanks to the recession, thieves as well?"

All three of the girls looked at him, bewildered. Mai slowly said, "Uh, yeah."

"Then why would you tell the museum that you were coming to steal their urn when the whole point of the exercise is to sneak in and grab it without alerting anyone?"

The girls thought about that. As one they said, "Oops."

Takeo began bashing his head into the ground and didn't stop until he was unconscious.


"So you see, we need martial artists to prevent the theft of the urn. Against ninjas, high-tech, sophisticated expensive alarms that have really flashy lights and go 'awooga, awooga,' just aren't going to cut it," Toshi Takayami explained to the two older men, boy, and two younger girls that were seated around the dining room table at the Tendou household.

"What about your security guards?" Genma asked.

"Their union contract specifically exempts them from having to fight ninjas."

"I see," Soun said, accepting some tea that was offered by Kasumi.

"Then you'll help us?" Takayami asked.

Genma stood up boldly, shaking his fist in the air. "It's the duty of a martial artist to protect other people's property, as well as defending the weak and helpless. We'll be honored to help you."

"Don't you mean you'll be happy to volunteer your son to help them?" Ranma asked from his seat next to Akane. He had known from the instant the well-dressed owner of the Nerima Museum of History had come to the Tendou home, that it was going to be nothing but trouble. Sure enough, after the gentleman explained the situation and showed them the challenge letter that was signed, 'Three Sexy Ninja Girls', Ranma's worst concerns became reality.

A long sigh escaped Ranma's lips. "Oh well, ninjas aren't that bad. I can handle them, no problem. As long as they ain't cursed to turn into giant flying bulls or something," he quickly added.

"Count me in," Akane stood up and quickly volunteered.

"I guess you can come along," Ranma reluctantly agreed. Ninjas did have a tendency to be a handful, as his fight against Konatsu had proven. But then again, Ranma could be a handful as well. Still, he was surprised his warning senses would have gone off so loudly when he woke up. Three ninjas, especially girls, wouldn't be that much of a problem. It could have been worse. Much worse.

"Hey, Ranchan. I'll tag along and help out."

"I would consider it an honor to let me assist you as well. I think I could be of use against ninjas, given my training in such matters."

"Where the beauteous Akane Tendou goes, the great Tatewaki Kunou shall ever be at her side.

"And where my beloved Ranma-sama goes, so to shall the Black Rose follow."

"Shampoo help her airen."

"Damn you, Saotome! How dare you lure Shampoo into danger. Now I'm going to have to go along too."

Oh, yes. Now this was exactly the sort of thing that would have given him the morning jitters.

"Where did you all come from?" Takayami asked.

"Mind your own business!" Kunou snapped.

Ranma was smarter and knew there wasn't any point in trying to figure how they all knew to come by at the worst possible moment. Sudden appearances by people he knew were about par for the course. This was an exceptionally large batch, surprisingly including the often underutilized Konatsu.

Looking at everyone watching him either expectantly or angrily, Ranma found himself sorely tempted to return to his bedroom and go back to sleep. But no, he had said he was going to help protect the valuables at the museum, and he would. No matter how much it hurt.

"Where's Ryouga?" Akane asked.

"I'm sure he'll turn up at some point. He always does," Ranma said tiredly. It would be best to just leave now. The longer so many diverse personalities were left together, the more likely it was something wrong would occur and things would be hit with bonecrushing force. Things like a Ranma Saotome.


Night was just starting to fall by the time Ranma managed to get the squabbling group out of the Tendou home and on their way to the museum. Actually, leaving could have been a lot worse. He only had to deal with one Shampoo glomp, a Kodachi/Ukyou skirmish, two offers by Akane to fix something up for all of the guests, one bokken thrust from Kunou, and two threats from Mousse, the last one having accidentally been delivered to Kasumi, which had the effect of Soun going demon head on the near-blind male Amazon and Mousse behaving himself the rest of the time. Not bad at all.

Okay, more like, not as bad as it could have been.

Ranma pulled away from the rest of the group, saving himself the hassle of any jealous squabbles or attempted signs of affection towards him. Instead, the group was left to its own little mix of inane banter. Ranma had just turned the corner when the water pail lady nailed him with some water. Unfazed, Ranma-chan continued onward as the others turned the corner and followed behind once again, Kodachi protesting about the evil female Ranma having replaced the man version, and Kunou doing the reverse. Arguments about curses began to erupt from the group; just what Ranma-chan had come to expect.

The redhead mumbled, "I feel like Snow White leading the Seven Dwarves."

A voice from behind chimed, "Hi ho."

Ranma-chan stiffened.

Another voice, deeper in pitch, joined in from behind as well, "Hiiii Hooo."

Oh no.

Now in chorus, it began. "Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work-"

"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" Ranma-chan shouted as she turned around and shook her fist at everyone, trying desperately to get their attention. "Is this a fic done by Eric Hallstrom?"

The group looked at each other. Once at a consensus, Akane spoke for the group, "No."

"Right. That means there will be no musical numbers. None whatsoever. I don't even want to see the title of a song in this. You got that?!"

"What about dancing, Ranma-sama?"

"No dancing either. If I see even a hint of dancing, I'm out of here. I'm not joking. We'll see how hot you guys do without me, then."

"You no fun, airen."

Seeing everyone looking depressed at the ultimatums, Ranma-chan took a deep breath, and said, "Look, if we're going to confront a bunch of ninjas, we ought to get an idea of what they might try to pull. Since we got our own genuine ninja along, I think we should have Konatsu give us a few pointers in fighting them." Ranma indicated Konatsu should step forward.

Konatsu seemed taken aback. Almost no one ever used him in a fic, especially one that didn't focus on Ukyou. And he was at least momentarily the center of attention. It was all a bit overwhelming.

Composing himself, he began to instruct his companions. "Now then. The first thing you must all learn is that a ninja, all ninjas but especially kunoichi, are very tricky. Much, much trickier than the usual martial artist opponent you might fight. For example, Ranma, would you please step forward?"

Ranma-chan did as she was asked.

Konatsu again took up his instructional stance. "As I was saying, ninjas can be..." Konatsu trailed off as he suddenly gave a wide-eyed stare above Ranma-chan's head and shouted, "Look out! It's a falling barrel of Nanniichuan!"

"What?! Where? Where?" Ranma-chan's eyes scanned the skies overhead. A moment later, a fist connected with her mid-section, momentarily knocking the wind out of her. After taking a second to regain her breath, she leveled an angry stare at her attacker: Konatsu. "What did you do that for?!"

"That was a ninja trick. And a basic one at that," Konatsu said, as though talking to a four year old child with a lobotomy. "You have to be very careful. As I said, ninjas are tricky. They might try..." Konatsu trailed off as he suddenly stared above Ranma-chan's head and shouted, "Look out! It's a falling Dojo Destroyer!"

"Yeah, right," Ranma-chan smirked. "Like I'm going to fall for that one again."

Konatsu crossed his arms and smiled satisfactorily. "I see that you have indeed learned-"

A falling Dojo Destroyer landed directly on Ranma-chan's head.

"-absolutely nothing," Konatsu finished. "You see, I knew you would have thought you learned your lesson after falling for that trick before. Therefore I knew you wouldn't bother to look up when there really was a Dojo Destroyer falling right for you."

"Wow. I never knew ninjas could be so tricky," Ukyou whispered to Akane, who nodded her head in agreement.

The large Dojo Destroyer picked himself up off Ranma-chan's partially buried form. He brushed some of the dust off his white gi, then looked at the results of his handiwork.

With a grunt of exertion the redhead pried herself out of the ground and stared evilly at the large man. "What the hell were you doing falling out of the sky and landing on me?!"

"I couldn't very well fall up, now could I?" the Dojo Destroyer retorted.

"Uh, well," Ranma-chan said hesitantly.

The Dojo Destroyer continued. "I mean, there I'd be, breaking the very laws of gravity. And then there's the whole problem with falling upwards and ending up in the upper atmosphere. There's no oxygen to breathe up there, you know?"

Ranma-chan tried coming up with something to say. "Well, you did land pretty hard on me."

The Dojo Destroyer became indignant. "Hard on you? How do you think I felt? I was the one doing the falling, and your head's none too soft. The next thing you know, you'd probably be expecting me to break the laws of inertia too, and all because you hurt your head. Screw the natural order. Ranma Saotome doesn't want to take a tiny little bump, so it doesn't matter how many laws of the universe you break, just so long as he can have his own way."

"I didn't say that!" Ranma-chan protested.

The Dojo Destroyer shot her a disgusted look. "I hope you're happy with yourself." He turned and began walking away. Ranma-chan shouted apologies and said that he could fall out of the sky anytime and land on her, and she wouldn't complain at all. But it was too late; the Dojo Destroyer didn't look back and continued onward.

Ranma-chan looked back at her friends, who stared at her as though she had inflicted some great offense. "It's not my fault, really!"

Konatsu gave a sad shake of his head. "I think I'll use someone else. Someone who's nicer." he emphasized the last word, then moved over to Mousse. "Would you like to help me?"

"Of course, unlike some people, I wouldn't complain about a Dojo Destroyer falling on my head." Mousse shot Ranma-chan a dirty look, which earned one right back from the redhead.

"Take off your glasses," Konatsu instructed.

"Sure." Mousse did as he was told. Konatsu flicked his wrist, producing a can of mace from the sleeves of his ninja outfit, and proceeded to spray some in Mousse's eyes. The effect was instantaneous as Mousse began running around screaming, "Ahhh! I'm blind! I'm blind!"

"Stupid Mousse," Shampoo grumbled. "You is always blind when you no wear your glasses."

"Oh, right," Mousse said calmly as he stopped running around.

A Dojo Destroyer fell on him.

"Let's move under this building's overhang," Konatsu said, leading all but the flattened Mousse to it. "As you can see, ninjas can be very tricky. Let's move onto another example. Now Shampoo-"

Shampoo immediately punched him in the jaw, flattening him with the blow.

The others stared at her in surprise. They began to protest the ninja's treatment at her hands, when Konatsu started to rise, saying, "As you can see, Shampoo has learned the best defense in not falling for a ninja trick: never give them a chance to use one. Now let me-"

A spatula blow to the head cut off the rest of Konatsu's statement. Ukyou smiled at him and said, "How was that?"

Konatsu started to pick himself up again. "Quite good, but you see, the lesson is-"

Akane kicked him in the gut, winding him and sending him back down. "Wow! This is easy."

"Wait," Konatsu gasped. "The lessons are over. You don't need to hit-"

"My turn," Kodachi shouted gleefully as she wrapped a length of her ribbon around Konatsu's legs and whipped him into a nearby storefront, breaking the window with his body.

"I think I should get in some practice too," Ranma-chan said as she cracked her knuckles and began punching the fallen ninja. She was quickly joined by Kunou and Mousse as the trio proceeded to get as much anti-ninja practice as they could before they arrived at the museum.


"Thanks a lot for helping us out, Konatsu. I don't know what we'd have done without you. You're an okay guy." Ranma-chan slapped the ninja on the back. It was a little difficult, since Konatsu's unconscious form was draped over Ukyou's back.

Ranma-chan noticed Ukyou straining slightly under her burden. She had carried him almost the entire way to the museum. "You look a little tired there, Ucchan. Want some help?"

Ukyou's eyes nearly glistened in joy; her Ranchan was offering to help her. Of all the people there, he had chosen her. "Sure, Ranchan."

"Okay." Ranma-chan gave her a smile, then turned away and shouted, "Hey, Akane. Ukyou's feeling a little tired, so carry Konatsu for a while."

"Since when did I become a beast of burden?" Akane shouted back.

"Oh, excuse me," The redhead said in exaggerated tones. "I thought you wanted to be treated seriously as a martial artist, but if carrying just one scrawny little ninja is too much for you to handle-"

Akane was at Ukyou's side in an instant, practically ripping Konatsu from her grasp. "I can carry him, no sweat."

"That's the spirit," Ranma-chan slapped Akane on the back as the two walked side-by-side the rest of the way to the museum, leaving Ukyou to feel cheated somehow.

Akane didn't have to carry the ninja for long as the group arrived at the museum minutes later. Konatsu recovered enough to stand on his own and joined the others in staring at their destination.

Most of the eyes took in the structure for the first time in their lives, having been unaware of the presence of a museum in Nerima. The stone edifice of the building was slate gray, with a series of giant Roman style columns adorning the front of the building. Two huge doors made of solid gold dominated the entryway. Dark runes etched in a dry, flaky, red substance marred the surface of the doors. A multitude of gargoyles, all of them carved from pure obsidian, their mirrored surfaces shining with an unholy gleam, stared at the group from their perches along the ledges of the building. Their obscene appearance was an abomination to the senses, and gazing at the darkness within them, a veil of endless night that seemed to stretch into forever, gave the looker the impression that their soul would be devoured in the pits of Hell for an eternity.

"Kawaii," Kodachi moaned, clapping her hand together in girlish delight. "Brother dear, remind me to purchase one of these delightful statues once we are finished helping Ranma-sama tonight."

Kunou sighed in the direction of his sister. Ranma-chan opened the door to the museum, not even bothering to use the demon head door knocker that lay among the carved bas-reliefs of men, women, and bizarre fusions of both man and animal engaged in various positions of carnal lust with one another.

"Unusual museum," Ukyou commented as she crossed the threshold with the others.

Inside, the museum appeared much more normal, with a lobby and ticket booth just on the other side of the doors. A white-gray marble lined the floor and the walls were painted in a soft eggshell color that was very soothing on the eyes. Several displays of various ancient wares and artwork lined the lobby. Beyond the booth, the others could see posted signs that indicated what was within the various rooms throughout the museum. There was no one else present.

"Let's get inside." Ranma-chan led the way. The group had passed just beyond the ticket booth when, in a cloud of smoke and brimstone, a repulsive, scaly, four-limbed monster with five eyes and three mouths in various positions upon its face, appeared hovering in mid-air several feet in front of the short redhead.

The monstrosity started to laugh, but ended up only coughing when it breathed in too much of the residual smoke from its teleport. After several seconds of clearing its lungs, it said in a surprisingly melodious voice, "Fools, at last you have fallen into my carefully laid trap."

Everyone tensed up at the declaration. Ranma-chan said, "That's one nasty-looking ninja."

"I'm no ninja!" the creature bellowed. "I am something far more evil and much less tricky than any mere ninja. I am your doom, my foolish prey. For a long time have I waited, allowing my power to increase geometrically so that I could succeed. It doesn't matter how many other of my brethren have fallen to your powers, my mistress, Queen Beryl, at last will succeed in killing all of yo-"

"Whoa, whoa! Time out here, Mister!" Ranma-chan said as she moved within three feet of the hovering monster. "Queen Beryl? You're a Youma, aren't you?"

The Youma stared at the redhead, dumbfounded for a moment. "Uh, well yes, I am."

Ranma-chan nodded her head in understanding. "Right. Then you want Sailor Moose."

"Sailor Moon," Akane corrected.

"Whatever. I don't really pay attention to that magical girl crap anyhow." Ranma-chan waved dismissively towards her.

"You're not the Sailor Senshi?" the Youma asked.

"Ha!" Ranma-chan laughed. "I'd sooner be dead then caught in a fuku, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say that goes for all of us."

"Actually, I think I'd look rather good in a fuku," Konatsu mentioned.

"Okay, everyone but the ninja cross dresser," the redhead corrected.

Looking over everyone, and discerning a significant lack of magical girls, the Youma realized the redhead was telling the truth. "Shit!" it cursed. "I thought for certain the Sailor Senshi were going to pop up here. Isn't this the Juban Museum of History?"

"Nope. It's the Nerima Museum of History," Ranma-chan explained.

"Odd. I felt something drawing me to this location and assumed it was the right place," the Youma grumbled, feeling hopelessly embarrassed at the faux pas. "I'm terribly sorry to have troubled you."

"Don't worry," Ranma-chan said in a nonchalant tone. "Happens to everyone."

The Youma shook all four of its hands with Ranma-chan in appreciation at the clarification, then began to fly off towards the doors. It had just passed Akane when it stopped and stared curiously at her for a second. "Say, did you know you look just like-"

"Don't say it," Akane said through gritted teeth.

"But she-" The creature began.

"Do not say it," Ranma-chan warned. "She hates it when people compare her to 'that unnamable person'."

"But she looks just like-"

"Do it and you'll be sorry," the redhead warned again.

"-Sailor Mercury," the Youma finally got out.

"AHHH!" Akane shouted, grabbing the creature by its leg and whipping it into the ground as though it was a rag doll. The blow shattered the marble floor beneath it and cracked some of the Youma's armor plates. Everyone else gave Akane a wide berth as she picked the creature up and began annihilating it.

"I do not look a thing like her!" *SMACK* "We have the same haircut and people automatically go," *THUD* "'Oh, they look just alike. They could be twins'." *CRACK* "We have a lousy superficial resemblance to one another and everyone thinks I should-" *THUMP* "-start running around, blowing bubbles at every Youma that comes by trying to hit me with a mistrust beam or some other lamo attack!" *SWAT* "I am sick and tired of it! I am a martial artist; a serious one!" * KABOOM* "And damn it, I am not going to take that sort of crap anymore!"

Five eyes gazed through a veil of pain at Akane. The twitching remains of the Youma managed to get out, "Sorry about... that. Now *Wheeze* that I... think about it... you don't. *Gasp* Look anything... like... *Urk* her." The creature's eyes drifted shut and a raspy rattle shook from all three of its mouths.

"Apology accepted," Akane said to her fallen foe in its last moments of existence.

Just as Akane was about to give a prayer for its soul, the Youma's eyes shot back open and it pointed at Ranma-chan, saying, "But that redhead would make the perfect Sailor Earth."


The building shook with the force of a Perfect Moko Takabisha incinerating a Youma.


"I don't look a thing like Sailor Mud," Ranma-chan grumbled as she used some hot water to change her back to her proper form.

"Now what we do?" Shampoo asked.

Ranma considered that. "Since this is a big museum, and we're going to have to deal with multiple opponents, I think we should split up into teams and cover more ground that way."

"Is good plan," Shampoo said. "Shampoo team up with Ranma. Everyone else can get into other teams." She moved to glomp onto Ranma, but was cut off by a spatula thrust in her direction.

"Ranchan is going with me, not you, you Amazon hussy."

A length of ribbon coiled itself around Ranma's arm. "I'm afraid Ranma-sama wouldn't want to associate with two such simple-minded peons. He shall conduct his search with me at his side."

Akane pulled out a pair of scissors and cut the offending ribbon. "I was the first one to volunteer to help Ranma out, therefore I should be the one teamed up with him."

A vocal argument began to ensue, panicking Ranma more by the second. Lately, even he could not help noticing how things in the fiancee wars had been heating up, but this was too much. No matter which one he went with, only doom, in the form of the other three, would follow. He had to escape them all, right now.

"Where am I?" a voice called out as a figure came from around the corner of the ancient weapons exhibit.

"Ryouga! How contrived... I mean, how convenient," Ranma quickly corrected. Moving his head closer to the lost boy, he whispered, "We've got to get out of here. I'll explain things as we go."

"Why do I have to go with you?" Ryouga asked suspiciously.

Ranma knew if he told Ryouga, the truth, the lost boy would accuse him of betraying Akane or something else equally stupid. He had to think fast. "Because if you don't, the odds of me getting hit in the head and acting like a girl again are good, and guess which guy I'll come onto."

Ryouga shuddered. "I have to go away with Ranma right now!" he announced to everyone.

Ranma smiled at his own genius. He'd have to remember that one for future reference the next time he needed Ryouga to do something for him.

"Wait a minute," Akane protested. "What are we supposed to do then?"

"I don't care," Ranma said. "Split up however you want, but it's just going to be Ryouga and me as a team."

Akane saw Kunou looking at her and felt uneasy. Shampoo saw Mousse looking at her and felt annoyed. Ukyou saw Konatsu looking at her, and whereas she didn't mind it, didn't want Ranma getting the wrong idea about her and the ninja. The three girls all looked at each other and nodded their heads in agreement.

"Us girls are forming our own group," Ukyou said.

"Why must I lower myself by going with you?" Kodachi asked.

"Because Ranma obviously isn't going to let you tag along, and there's only one alternative to us," Akane said.

Kodachi looked over at the group of boys: a blind twit, a cross-dressing ninja, and the worst of the lot, her brother.

"I'm flattered that you're willing to accept me into your party." Kodachi moved closer to the other girls.

Konatsu looked at his companions and shrugged. He would rather have joined Ukyou, but would never voice such a thing. He moved closer to Mousse and Kunou, then loudly announced to everyone, "Since we're dealing with kunoichi, they might be dressed like me. Therefore I'm going to tie this gold ribbon around my arm so you'll know it's me instead of one of the enemy."

"Good thinking," Ranma agreed, then proceeded to head off with Ryouga. All of the girls gave irritated looks in his direction, then proceeded to make their way to the lower levels of the museum. Kunou declared himself leader of his expedition and proceeded on the only course left, that of the upper levels.

The hunt was finally on.