Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] 'Help Wanted' ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 209, reel 1:

"Help Wanted"
(A Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 Crossover Fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2015 by Best Brains, Inc.

Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of
her works.

Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of
her works.

This untitled piece of fiction is the property of Weebee and
Jonakhensu, for which permission to MST was granted. A link to their
works will be provided in the notes at the end of the 'fic.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and distributors.

Comments are welcomed at or


---Satellite of Love

"The gritty city -- someone needs to make sure that the people are
protected and that justice is served to those who need it," Crow
intoned majestically.

Tom asked, "Crow... why are you dressed like that?"

Crow whipped his cape over his shoulder as best as possible. "Don't
call me 'Crow'. I am a *superhero*! I have a code name! If you
refer to me by my secret identity, my loved ones could be in danger as
my enemies are everywhere!"

Mike looked askance at him and said, "Oh, and what is your code

Crow peered intently at Cambot. "I am The Crow! Bitten by a
radioactive crow, I watch over the city..."

"...from three hundred fifty miles above. What do you see, Crow,
rivers? The backsides of the clouds?" Tom snickered.

"Radioactive... crow? How did one fly up this high? How did it
become radioactive? How did it get into the Satellite? What
specifically did it do to you now that you couldn't do before?" Mike

"Caw. Remember that, Mike. Caw."

Mike chuckled softly. "Okay, Crow, I'll let you continue."

"THE Crow sees all and catches crimes of all shapes and sizes!"

Mike scratched his chin. "So what superpowers does the The Crow

"Well, I can dial a phone, unlike the other robot over there, and
alert the cops!" Crow asserted as Tom grumbled. "I can also call for
pizzas, make crank calls to the Minneapolis Fed asking if their
interest rate is running..."

"Oh... I've been doing that for months, Crow," Tom stated. "Ever
since Mike hooked up my Bluetooth headset."

"You... you have?! That's why things have been quiet recently!
Oooh, origin story! Awesome! You shall be... the Blue Sabre!
Sidekick to The Crow!"

"Shouldn't it be Blue SabreTOOTH?" Tom questioned.

"Too close to the X-Men character, lawsuit!" Crow hissed back.

Mike chuckled, "And me, Crow... err, The Crow?"

Crow leveled a gaze at Mike. "You can be the Triple-A to our A-
Team. Until someone better comes along..."

"Hey!" Mike said. "You know, I can always be bitten by a
radioactive 'The Crow' who was bitten by a radioactive crow. I'll be
the supervillian that wins by cutting off the phone lines."

Tom gestured to the counter. "I have to put you on hold,
Commissioner Gordon, I'll tell you about the museum heist in a couple.
The Mads are calling."

"Awww, that was a job for The Crow," Crow groused. "At least let me
order the pizza."

---Deep Thirteen

"Hello, travellers! I assume that you've been kept warm, fed, and
are raring for another experiment?" TV's Frank asked brightly.

Dr. F patted the back of Frank's hand. "Don't get attached to the
experiments, dear. It'll make you sad once they're all chewed up and
spat out, their minds turned inside out." Dr. F faced towards the
camera. "We've finally developed our side project into a sinister
income opportunity, and you get to hear all about it!"

Mike, Tom, and Crow all glanced at each other. "Uhh, what's going
on?" Mike ventured.

Dr. F walked over to the counter where a short time ago, he'd been
spritzing Frank's lunchboxes. Today there was a camera sitting there,
along with a half-finished picnic table sitting beside. "Today's
invention is... well, you've heard that the best scientific
experiments have been created by accident? Well, Frank dropped my new
Fujitsu camera a couple weeks back..."

"Soh-hoh-hoh-hohhhhhrrrryyyy!" Frank put his head in his hands and

"And after I took the purchase price from his 401(k)... Frank, your
balance is a negative $18,378.11... I realized that the camera still
worked. Barely. I took pictures, I'd get fuzzy shapes."

Dr. F powered on the camera and it gave a weak hum. "I racked my
brain to figure out who would benefit from an out-of-focus camera. My
first thought was health clubs that can use blurry pictures to
Photoshop to kingdom come. As well, people's faces are ugly anyway
and no one would want to see 'em!"

Dr. F shook his head and continued, "But they already beat me to the
punch. They just take pictures of fit people and fat people and
Photoshop the fat people's heads on the fit people anyway. So, I had
to return to the drawing board. Once I realized how crappily Frank
built my drawing board-"

"HEY!" Frank paused sobbing long enough to exclaim.

"You heard me," Dr. F chided. "He does his best, but the
instructions got the better of him. Then I realized that I could
build a whole HOST of things, take blurry pictures, and sell the
instruction manuals back to the companies! Meet 'Construction
Excellence, Inc.'"

Dr. F tapped the half-finished picnic table. "We build the things
with the instructions that the companies give us. And we build them
right. Once we take blurry photos and recompose the instructions,
then no one else can build them!"

"Uhh... what good is that, Dr. F?" Mike asked. "Won't people just
not buy those things because they can't build them?"

"That's okay," Dr. F replied, "because there's a beautiful example
sitting at the store they bought it from! People think that it's not
the instructions... it's them! Then when they mess up the first one
and can't undo the bolting or glue, they'll buy ANOTHER one because
they think they fixed their mistakes. The company gets additional
sales, the buyers get ticked off at themselves and generally feel
worse... and I pocket the difference! Now, hit me with your best shot

"Well, speaking of doing it yourself," Mike started, "I am a
bachelor. And I've got one of the worst bachelor pads in the
universe..." Mike lamented. "Cooking food is not one of my strong
points, and anything I can eat with my fingers is gourmet to me. So,
I present... the noodle rack."

Mike reached under the counter and brought out a package of ramen
noodles and a plastic tray with a cover on it. The tray was raised
and had a set of slots with water underneath. Mike opened up the
ramen noodle package and started breaking the block of noodles in
small segments, which he then stuck in each of the slots.

"The trick to this thing is in the microwave timing. I like to get
it so that there's still the slightest bit of crunch to it. However,
if you like just lowering soft noodles in your mouth and finishing
with a crunch, that's fine too."

"Uhh, Mike? Ramen *popsicles*?" Tom asked.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that? There's no fork or spoon needed, no
bowl, just rinse out this thing and you're done. Eat noodles with
your fingers! If that's not something a bachelor does, what could
be?" Mike replied.

"One of the hallmarks of bachelors is bad food, cooked even more
pathetically." Crow observed.

"So, what do you think sirs?" Mike asked.

"I think that you'd better get in that theater before I decide to
redo it with my new instructions! Your 'fic is a Sailor Moon and
Ranma crossover called 'Help Wanted', and remember that I'm too far
underground to hear your screams... so be sure to scream into the
microphone pickups, I enjoy hearing those! Send 'em the fanfic,
Frank," Dr. F instructed.

"*crunch crunch crunch* Yep, these needed a few more seconds in the
microwave," Mike remarked, "or perhaps a bit of hot sauce...?" Just
then, the buzzers went off, lights started flashing, and the gyrating
Satellite of Love knocked the noodle tray off the counter.

"We've got STAIN SIGN!" Crow yelled.

Mike sighed. "Our deposit..."

"MOVIE SIGN TOO!" Tom responded.

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far
right seat.

>Help Wanted, By Weebee and Jonakhensu

Tom: Fanfic or errant Craiglist solicitation?
Crow: They need a third partner in order to open their legal practice
defending fanfic writers against copyright cases.

>Disclaimer: Something clever here.

Tom: This space for rent.

>Note: This story has been bouncing around the collective unconscious
>for a while, and gathering more moss in the form of strange ideas as
>it went.

Mike: Sounds like a presidential campaign.
Tom [singing]: The wonderful thing about stories is stories are
wonderful things!

>Since we didn't want it to grow into a fifty series multi-cross of
>uber-doom, we decided to publish it now. We hope you enjoy it.

Tom: You can't HANDLE the crossovers!
Mike, Crow: <authors> YOU try cramming fifty protagonists with their
associated helping characters into one coherent storyline!

>Prologue: A Cliché storm summoned by a drunk weather mage.

Mike: Crap, it's raining banalities out there!

>In a cold, dark room in the deepest section of an abandoned castle,
>a blond haired man stood, his hands in the pockets of the grey
>uniform he wore, and wondering if he'd drank far too much the night

Tom: Thanks to his drunken stupor, he ended up being the only
surviving guard in all of Castle Wolfenstein.

>He had no idea why he was in said store room, nor why there were
>shards of crystal dissolving into the floor, and the last thing he
>could clearly remember was a 767 trying to crush him into paste.

Tom: <Tattoo> De plane, boss! De pla... *SQUISH*
Mike: Looks like he finally picked the right week to quit sniffing

>He was relatively sure that said event hadn't happened, as he felt
>distinctly un-paste-like, though he didn't have any idea what had
>happened after he'd begun desperately weaving the dark energies
>needed for a single man teleport spell.

Crow: I thank Richard for feeling un-paste-like every single day.

>Scowling irritably, Jadeite, first, and to his mind, best of the Dark
>Generals, pushed the door to the storage room he found himself inside
>open, entering a long, equally dark hallway with several crumpled
>bodies laying on the floor.

Crow: <Jadeite> Feh, bunch of lightweights.
Mike: Outside, a woman's voice came over the intercom. <falsetto>
"Hello, I am GlaDOS."

>Frowning in confusion, the man walked over to one, kneeling to note
>that it was a Youma, locked in its inactive state, with no energy to
>feed it.

Tom <commercial V.O.> Taking over the world is hard business.
And when the experts from the Dark Kingdom decided to use Energizer,
they found that they just... didn't have the power. Duracell... for
when you need the power to conquer.
Mike: As long as he's not one of the Puttermans.

>He currently wasn't sure what part of the dark kingdom he was in,

Crow: <Jadeite> A light! A light!! MY DARK KINGDOM FOR A LIGHT!!!
Mike: If you start walking while you narrate, I'd guess the west wing.

>but the dark general was relatively sure that Queen Beryl would
>vaporize any Youma she found 'sleeping' in a hall like this, so the
>presence of this one, along with five or six others, simply sprawled
>out really confused him.

Tom: Beryl's just using cat-based youma for the next attack. Don't
stick around when she opens the can of tuna...

>Reaching into his energy reserves, Jadeite was about to awaken the
>creature, when he realized that his own power was critically low.

Mike: (X) Please reconnect controller.
Crow: <Jadeite> *sighs* So much for the advantages of going wireless.

>He stopped himself from expending it, grimacing in irritation, and
>straightened. "Nephrite," he projected a small amount of energy into
>his voice, trying to communicate with the other man over even long

Mike: <Nephrite> Hi, I'm not alive right now, but if you'd like to
leave a message...
Crow: <Jadeite> You must go to the Dagobah System... wait, why did I
say that?
Tom: And this is the story of how Mr. Mxyzpltk was pulled into Juuban.

>There was a long, silent beat, and nothing returned his call.

Crow: <Jadeite> I really need a new agent.

>He contemplated calling Kunzite or Zoisite, but both of those two
>were unhinged, and didn't like him particularly much.

Crow: <Jadeite> Look, I'm sorry I mistook you for a woman, Zoisite...
Tom: <Zoisite> You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!

>They would, no doubt, take advantage of his weakness to kill him if
>they got the chance, and the blond general was nothing if not good at
>keeping himself alive.

Crow: <Jadeite> Breathe in... breathe out... oh yeah, I've got this
living thing DOWN.

>Stepping over the fallen Youma and picking a direction down the hall
>at random, the grey suited man began to walk, eventually gaining his
>bearings and heading for Queen Beryl's throne room.

Tom: This hallway stretches to the WEST and EAST. To the WEST is
Queen Beryl's throne room while your own dwelling lies to the EAST.
Tom: You haven't got a clue. COMMAND?>

>He got there within ten minutes, and poked his head around the side
>of the door cautiously, knowing that his queen quite liked blasting
>people first and asking questions later when she was annoyed,

Crow: Now you know why the Governor General of Canada never visits the
Queen anymore.
Mike: <Elizabeth II> The colonies are clubbing baby WHATS?!

>though his mouth dropped open in shock when he caught a good look at
>the location.

Crow: <Jadeite> It's all... CARDBOARD! Crap, are we putting on grade
school plays now? What the hell happened to our budget!? Did Usagi
get at the Craft Services again or what?
Tom: <Usagi> Gargg gargg gargg gargg... isn't Aramark bringing any
more lobster tail??

>The entire room was trashed, his queen's throne shattered and the
>stand where her scrying ball once stood snapped in half.

Tom: Queen Beryl had lost her last poker game... as did her opponents.

>The far wall, where Metalia's presence had always hung, ever-
>malevolent, was now dark, its crystal only reflecting the minimal
>light that suffused the Dark Kingdom normally.

Mike: In its place... a Shepard Fairey "HOPE" poster
Crow: <Jadeite> Never a Gelfling around when you need one...

>"What in the name of Pluto's rod is going on here?"

All: <giggles>
Crow: Oh, so the kinkier fanart is true? Oh, wait, they're probably
talking about her staff.
Tom: This fanfic must've taken place before the operation.
Mike: Yeah... wait, what?

>The fair haired general finally burst out, his patience at an end and
>his 'creeped out' factor rather high.

Mike: Thinking about Pluto's rod raised my 'creeped out' factor rather
high as well.
Tom: He's going to find an emaciated Nephrite chained to the bed,
barely living yet about sixty pounds, with "Sloth" written on his

>Walking quickly into the throne room, he saw that there were scorch
>marks all around it, and several piles of dust where Youma had once

Mike: <Jadeite> I see that no one taught Beryl how to use the
microwave. I warned them this would happen!!

>Whatever had happened, it was violent and likely incredibly short.

Crow: Much like Tommy here.
Tom: Keep talking, pin-beak.

>There was only one conclusion that he could draw from this, though it
>was hard to believe. Those three little girls had successfully
>defeated Queen Beryl, and he was standing in the wreckage of the
>final battle.


>"So, what do I do now?" He thought, unsure. At the moment, he was
>trapped in the Dark Kingdom with nothing but several hundred frozen
>Youma for company, and barely enough energy to blow up a rock.

Mike: <Jadeite> Guess I could delude myself into thinking I'm
Superman... yeah, I'm not trapped, I'm in my Fortress of Solitude!
I can leave anytime I want! I just don't want to! *pant pant*
Where's Lois!? Jimmy, are you there, pal?? <singing> Dah, dah dah
dah, DAH DAH DAH, Dah dah dah dah dah... <sobbing> Dah, dah

>Sighing, he turned and left the throne room, not entirely sure what
>he was looking for, but knowing that he didn't want to see the
>remains of his queen's final defeat, and the other generals' likely
>deaths, any longer.

Tom: First call... Merry Maids. Second call....


Mike: <Homestar Runner, singing> Everybody! Everybody!
Crow: <Strong Bad> Homestar! What the heck are you doing here?
Mike: <Homestar> Uhhh, I'm the scene change! Hooray!

>"You've got to be kidding me," Ranma Saotome noted, looking the
>person before him up and down, and doing his damnedest to try and
>restrain laughter.

Tom: <Dan Hibiki> Shut up! Do you want to learn my Saikyo style or

>"Be quiet, Saotome!" Hikaru Gosunkugi proclaimed, raising his right
>hand with a voodoo doll in it to his face, before clenching it
>tightly, the near-fist beginning to tremble.

Tom: <Gosunkugi> Mr. Scarface won't tolerate any disrespect! Will
you, Mr. Scarface?
Crow: <Mr. Scarface> That's right, dummy.

>"I've had enough of this! I will finally defeat you where all of the
>big, strong martial artists have failed, and then Akane will finally
>pay attention to me!"

Tom: <Gosunkugi> This doll's my lawyer and we're going to tie you up
into needless zoning battles FOR ETERNITY!
Mike: <doll> Just wait 'till the homeowner's association hears about
how many people live at the Tendo house!

>"Right..." The martial artist muttered, looking around the empty lot
>that the other boy had called him to and being somewhat relieved that
>no one else was there.

Crow: Ranma hates having witnesses to his murders.
Tom: Somewhere in aether, Bugsy Siegel is nodding his head in

>He really didn't like beating up on people weaker than him, but Gos
>usually had the annoying ability to be just barely a serious enough
>threat to need to be punched in the nose, without looking like it.

Mike: <Ranma> Pull his sweater up over his helmet, whack him a coupla'
times in the face, take the puck. Easy as pie.

>"Can we just give this up and you keep glaring at me from across the

Tom: <Gosunkugi> I don't know, can we come to an agreement on the
Flintstone phone?
Crow: <Ranma> Yabba dabba not a effing chance.

>"This isn't a joke, Saotome, and I'll prove it!" The candle-wearing
>boy said, loosening his grip on the voodoo doll, before producing a
>strand of black hair and tying it around the thing's neck. "Now,
>watch this!" Saying that, he tugged one of the thing's arms hard,
>actually tearing it slightly.

Mike: <Gosunkugi> Damn it, it's suppose to light up and shoot a
plastic dart! Cheap Japanese crap!

>"I'm watching," Ranma said, tapping his foot, as nothing proceeded to

Tom: <Gosunkugi> YOU BROKE KEN!!
Mike: <Ranma> I did? But you were the one... h-hey, stop crying!
Tom: <Gosunkugi> WAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Why'd you have to call my bluff?

>"I I mean," Gos stuttered, looking down at the hair in confusion,
>before tugging the arm harder, this time ripping it completely off.
>After this, he threw the doll to the ground and stomped on it several

Mike: Are we watching a sixties "Pink Panther" cartoon?
Tom: <Gosunkugi> That's the last time I fall for a box that says "This
is a Gundam, honest!" without looking inside.
Crow: <Ranma> Hey, if that was a Magnum P.I. doll you could rename it
the "one-armed Bandit"!

>"Why why aren't you in hideous pain?"

Mike: <Ranma> Pain don't hurt.

>"Because your magic only ever works when you buy it out of the back
>of a comic book or something?" Ranma said, his eyebrow twitching.

Tom: <Gosunkugi> Wait! You're saying those X-Ray Specs... actually
Crow: <Ranma> Oh yeah, I've seen more bones than a paleontologist.
Tom: <Gosunkugi, sobbing> My entire life is a waste!

>"Now are ya done? I've got some 'o Kasumi's dinner to eat back home."

Tom: <Gosunkugi> Speaking of comic books, why do you sound like

>"How could this possibly, I know I did it right, I know it! I won't
>be humiliated by you again!" Gosunkugi proclaimed, loudly, before
>removing his hammer and a long, rusty nail from his school uniform,
>charging towards the pigtailed martial artist with it.

Mike: Gosunkugi, Geek of Thunder.

>Snorting in annoyance, Ranma reached out, catching the other boy's
>arm and gently extracting the hammer, before throwing it over his

Crow: <Ranma> If I wanted to get hammered, I'd order a drink.

>When the thinner boy tried to stab him in the eye with the nail, he
>moved his head to the side, before moving it back sharply, smacking
>Gosunkugi's hand open with the side of his head and sending the
>sharp object tumbling to the ground.

Crow: Wow, he hit the nail right on the head... I mean, his head hit
the nail on the hand... I mean... ah, screw it.
Mike: <Ranma> Ow, dammit! You dug your knuckle into my eye socket!
Tom: <Gosunkugi> Well, don't swing your head at my fist next time!

>"C'mon, Gos, this is stupid," the martial artist said. "I enjoy a
>good challenge as much as anyone, but this ain't a challenge."

Crow: <Gosunkugi> Okay, screw the challenges, how about just picking
one of your fiancees to marry, Mr. Bachelor?
Mike: <Ranma> Quiet, you.

>He shrugged. "If ya wanna talk ta Akane so much, walk up 'n say hi,
>don't try and kill me 'cuz then I have to fight you like this, and
>both of us just get humiliated."

Tom: Ranma's nothing if not concerned for his own dignity.

>"I'll show you humiliated!" Gos said, still not giving up even though
>his arm was still caught. Reaching into his shirt with the hand that
>had once held his nail, he came out with a small scroll which he
>slapped onto Ranma's chest.

Mike: <Gosunkugi> Consider yourself QUARANTINED! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

>Ranma's response, having had dealings with Gosunkugi and things
>attached to himself before, was to reach down and grab the paper,
>trying to tear it free, but it didn't seem to want to come off.

Tom: <Gosunkugi> Superglue one, Saotome, zero.
Crow: <Ranma> Get it off! Get it... ow, my finger!
Tom: <Gosunkugi> Ah, a papercut! First blood to me!

>"Ahahahahahahaha!" Gos proclaimed. "That is a demonic summoning
>scroll! Soon, a being from the Negaverse will emerge to destroy you!"

Mike: And we have crossover. As subtle as a brick to the face.
Tom: Last time he tried a resurrect dead scroll... he brought back
Jerry Garcia.

>Ranma rolled his eyes and cursed himself. At least, the thing hadn't
>been one of those stupid paper dolls, but he really shouldn't have
>let his guard down, even if it was against Gos.

Crow: <Gosunkugi> Hey, no fair cursing yourself first! I called it!
Cheater! Cheater!

>Pulling at the paper harder than he had before, it seemed to be
>affixed, and unbreakable.

Tom: Damn Old Navy tags.
Crow: Gosunkugi stuck a M. Night Shyamalan script on him?
Mike: No, it didn't say "unfixed and inscrutable".
Crow: <chuckles> Good point.

>He tried channeling Chi to his hand and burning it off that way, but
>that only seemed to make things worse, as the paper started glowing a
>bright blue, similar to his own life energy.

Tom: Umm... just get it wet, Ranma? The thing that happens to you
roughly four times an episode?

>"Now," Gosunkugi proclaimed. "Denizens of the Negaverse, I summon

Mike: Gosunkugi was perplexed as a humanoid duck in a yellow jacket,
black cape and red hat appeared.
Crow: <NegaDuck> What do you want, you pencil-necked geek!?

>As he spoke this incantation, the paper pulsed once, and a man
>dropped on Ranma's head.

Tom: <Gosunkugi> Just one guy? Is our budget THAT low?
Mike: <man> Sorry, Bob's out, his wife got sick this morning.

>Given that the pigtailed boy was rather distracted, this sudden
>weight proceeded to drop him onto his back, the newcomer sitting on
>his chest and looking extremely confused.

Tom: <Ranma> Jerry Seinfeld?
Mike: <Seinfeld> What is the deal with these swirling portals? I'd
say they suck, but then I'd be redundant.

>Looking around, he seemed to lose his confusion rather quickly, and
>smiled slightly. "That was much easier than I had thought," he noted,

Crow: <man> Do you know where Marty McFly is?
Tom: <Gosunkugi> Uhh... next to the TARDIS over there?

>Ranma took this opportunity to stand as well, and looked between the
>man, a blond wearing a blue-grey suit with red piping running down
>the chest and sides of his legs.

Mike: <man> Hi, I'm Septic Steve! I'm here to teach you about waste!

>"So, this is your demon?" He asked, deadpan, throwing a glance over
>to the failure mage, though he did bring up his defenses, in case
>the blond was more than he seemed to be.

Crow: So, blonds have more fail?
Tom: <man> Sorry, demon's on back order, would you settle for a
nauseated goat?

>"But," Gos sputtered. "It was supposed to be female, and monstrous...
>at least according to the scroll."

Mike: <Gosunkugi> Wait, there's some small print here... "demons are
subject to change without notice"!? Son of a...!

>He shook his head. "Never mind, Negaversal being, I command thee to
>attack my enemy!"

Mike: <man> I... huh? Oh-kay... KNEEL BEFORE ME PUNY HUMAN, MURRAY
Crow: <Gosunkugi> Wait, you're Murray from accounting?
Mike: <Murray> Yeah... next time, make sure your portal doesn't point
at corporate HQ.

>He proclaimed, striking a heroic pose, lightning crackling in the sky
>above him, the result of a technique he'd learned by observing
>Tatewaki Kuno, and something that he thought rather enhanced his
>powerful sorcerer mystique.

Crow: Hey Gosunkugi? Ernie Eaglebeak just called, said you're a dork.
Tom: And then he had the living crap beaten out of him by Ranma,
another technique he'd learned by observing Tatewaki Kuno.

>"Negaverse?" The blond man asked, giving the boy an odd look. "I
>don't know of anything called the Negaverse, and I would not be
>inclined to follow your commands even if I did."

Mike: Thanks Chris Hemsworth, you've been a treat to work with.
Crow: <blond man as Beetlejuice> Where's Lydia anyway? Hey Babes!
Come on, we're gonna be late for the movie! It's almost as gross
as me!

>"What?" The candle wearing boy sputtered. "But... but I summoned

Crow: <blond man> Oh, what? I'm supposed to jump to because I
answered my phone? If that were the case, I'd be doing the bidding
of every telemarketer on Earth!

>Jadeite sighed, agreeing. "Well yes, I suppose you're right," he
>admitted. After all, he had been trapped in the Dark Kingdom without
>any way of teleporting out,

Tom: He'd been regretting putting those pants on for eons... his taxi
fare was in his other trousers.

>and hadn't been very successful in finding anything to help him do so
>before he was suddenly swept to earth, where he could possibly gain
>more energy. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but gaining a
>little more power was definitely something he wanted to do first.
>Turning to Ranma, he nodded. "Him?" he asked.

Tom: *splash*
Mike: <Gosunkugi> No, HER!
Tom: *splash*
Mike: <Gosunkugi> No, him again!
Tom: *splash*
Mike: <Gosunkugi> STOP IT!
Crow: <Ranma-Chan> Heh heh heh.

>"Yes, him!" His summoner said, pointing dramatically. "Destroy him!"
>Jadeite shrugged. "Sorry, kid," he said. "I need to get some energy
>from somewhere, and I do owe him one."

Crow: <Ranma> Well... I have Mentos and Diet Coke, will that work for

>Ranma sighed. "Yeah, figured," he said, resigned. "How well can you

Mike: <Jadeite> Well, I tend to feel a lot better after about eight
hours of sleep...

>Jadeite blinked. "Um, not very well?" he asked, confused.
>"Okay, got it," Ranma said, before tightening his guard, letting his
>eyes take in his new opponent's stance.

Crow: <sexy trumpet> Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah wah...
Tom: <Ranma> My my my, you're a tall drink. Are you blond... all

>The blond man seemed like he might be a bit of a fighter, his stance
>hinting at some training in something, though he didn't know what in.

Tom: Well, let's hope he's at least potty trained.

>Still, he figured he'd better play it safe, as demons were usually
>pretty tricky, and he didn't want to charge head first into one.

Mike: Yeah, demons usually have large pointy horns and that shit
Crow: He'd rather prefer the demons chase him, as in the annual
Running of the Youma in Roppongi.

>Seeing his opponent's ready, defensive stance, Jadeite smirked. He
>observed that the other seemed to be well trained in the martial
>arts, but this would only be a good thing, as it meant that he was
>healthy and would have a pretty good energy reserve.

Mike: He was no triple venti latte, but he'd do.

>As he noted this, he shaped some of his remaining power into the
>configuration of a life-force siphon spell, and aimed it at his

Tom: Ranma groaned and tapped his foot as he waited for the five
minute animation to finish.

>The stream of power he got was quite respectable, and he smiled as
>his reserves began to fill, though he was surprised that the silk
>clothed boy didn't seem to be weakening much from the drain.

Crow: Fortunately, Ranma had a difficult clog and didn't believe in
the power of Draino.

>For his part, Ranma was frowning, as he felt a very familiar
>sensation, though it was a lot slower than he was used to from

Crow: And not nearly as much fun.

>Narrowing his eyes, he drew his battle aura inside of his body, and
>though he could still feel an energy drain, it had decreased

Mike: <Ranma> You're gonna pay for that, sucker. Ever feel how hard
it is to reabsorb a fart? Like that but a hundred times worse.

>Seeing his enemy's upraised hand, and the fact that it was crackling
>with blue energy, he dashed forward as quickly as he could, grabbed
>the blond by the arm and pointed it at Gosunkugi for a moment before
>twisting it behind his grey suited back, hard.

Tom: <Jadeite> Lina Inverse's narrator warned me about these...
"martial arts".
Mike: Oh no you don't, stop dragging in more series!

>Just as Ranma had thought, the rather weedy boy fell to the ground,
>asleep, after only a second of exposure to the energy draining

Mike: He's like an open canister of film.
Crow Cani-what of what?
[Mike shakes head slowly, palm on forehead.]

>and the pigtailed martial artist smirked. "Give up, or I make yer
>shoulder even more uncomfortable," he threatened, jerking the arm
>slightly upwards.

Tom: <Jadeite> Hey, were you on Captain Yaten's ship too?
Crow: Just wait until Jadeite releases his ultimate attack... "Eeek,
masher! Officer, officer, come quick!"

>Jadeite winced, clenching his teeth for a moment and very, very
>impressed with the human who now stood behind him. Not only had the
>boy somehow managed to realize what he was doing, but he'd used the
>blond's own power to take out his 'master,' and immediately put him
>in an incapacitating position after he was done.

Crow: So basically if Ranma had starred in Sailor Moon, the Dark
Kingdom would've been beaten in five minutes?
Mike: Apparently.
Tom: <Jadeite> And he didn't even need a 747! What a man!

>"Ya give up?" Ranma asked easily, not seeming to be making any effort
>in keeping the Dark General contained.

Mike: No effort you say, 'fic?
Crow: With new RANMA!, Dark Generals don't stand a chance!
Bots: <singing> Don't delay, buy some RANMA today!

>Jadeite frowned. Normally, he wouldn't give up this easily, but it
>took his body time to convert human life force into the dark energy
>he used for his magic, and he'd been letting his hand to hand skills
>lapse over the past few thousand years.

Tom: Uh, yeah, not practising your martial arts since the tenth
century BC might be a LITTLE past lapsing...
Crow: Jadeite, you are the laziest man on Mars!
Mike: Don't worry Jadeite, it'll come back to you quickly once the
Kurgan starts coming after you next.

>Reluctantly, he nodded, and the pressure on his arm was immediately

Mike: Soothe the pain away with new Ranmusol!
Tom: Another fine product from RANMA! <singing> Don't doubt, obey,
get some RANMA today!

>Turning in surprise, he saw his opponent smiling at him. "All right,
>if that's it, I'm gunna go get dinner," the boy said, beginning to
>turn and walk off.

Crow: <Ranma> Nothing like a little Kasumi in the Box after a good
Tom: <Ranma> Enjoy our town, demon! I highly recommend visiting the
Nekohanten and Okonomiyaki Ucchan's for top quality cuisine! Tell
'em Ranma sent ya!

>Jadeite opened and closed his mouth a few times, before shrugging and
>walking his own way, vaguely wondering why the Sailor Senshi hadn't
>shown up to spoil his operations yet.

Tom: The rest of them were in a crossover where they'll be NEEDED, you
mean neglecting authors!


Mike: Human Resources: People "helping" People... like you.

>Later that day, Jadeite hid behind a tree, and tried to look small as
>a glowing, winged Senshi stood across from some sort of demon in one
>of the Juuban district's many small parks.

Crow: For better absorption, new... Senshi with Wings!
Mike: This had better not be the Disney/Sailor Moon crossover that no
one remotely asked for.

>The woman looked, vaguely, like Sailor Mercury, though she was
>approximately thirty years old, and her hair was a little longer.

Tom: Sailor Mom!
Crow: <Jadeite> They're.... finally LEGAL. Ooooh baby...

>This, however, wasn't the most evident change, as power seemed to
>roll off of her in waves,

Mike: Yet her uniform remained so dry! What was her secret?
Tom: <Mercury> Of course, it's Secret! Strong enough for a youma,
made for a Senshi.

>and the demon, which had seemed an order of magnitude stronger than
>his Youma, was having trouble fighting what he had considered the
>least offensively capable of the three Senshi he knew about.

Crow: <Jadeite> Hey, I thought you hit like a girl!
Mike: *POW!*
Tom: <Sailor Mercury> Hey, you thought right!

>Frowning darkly, the blond peeked out slightly further from the tree,
>and winced as the blue haired woman spread her hands in front of
>herself, forming a small, crystalline harp out of mid-air, before
>announcing "Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"

Tom: Next season she's also going to get a glockenspiel and a
Crow: It's always about the merchandising, isn't it?
Mike: I wouldn't worry unless we see a Sailor Mercury Cycle.

>As several powerful blasts of water shot from the harp, impacting the
>monster, Jadeite flinched.

Tom: When they say Nerf or nothin', they MEAN it.
Mike: <Jadeite> Holy crap, she's showing off... that's not water,
that's Crystal Pepsi!

>Yes, tangling with the Senshi directly when his power base was as low
>as it was would be a bad idea.

Tom: All of this just because he got passed up to deliver a Sailor
Moon Says at the end of an episode.

>As he thought this, the ice Senshi manifested her scan visor and
>began turning in his direction.

Crow: <Mercury> Get me, I'm a sprinkler! Tch tch tch tch
tchtchtchtchtchtch... tch tch tch tch...

>The man cursed, quickly invoking an automatic teleport back to the
>Dark Kingdom, and wondering if she'd seen him.

Mike: <Jadeite> Thanks, warp whistle! You saved my bacon again!

>As he straightened up, he noted that the Dark Kingdom seemed a lot
>lighter than he remembered, specifically as he gazed at a white
>painted wall.

Mike: <Jadeite> And this sold for twenty THOUSAND dollars? Man,
modern art is a massive scam.
Crow: <Banksy> You're damn right. Here's my invoice for stating the
Tom: <Hobbes> You misspelled 'weltanschauung'.

>Turning slowly in confusion, he noted that he was standing in a small
>room, a large tub full of steaming water on one wall. As he turned
>further, to see the other wall, his eyes widened, just as he was
>grabbed by the front of his uniform.

Crow: <Jadeite> Did I just teleport into a music video?
Mike: Just then, a nude Miley Cyrus walked in and offered her tongue
to shake.


Mike: Pufnstuf?
Tom: Giger?
Crow: This scene change has a gift for understatement.

>Ranma Saotome grumbled to herself, looking down at her left breast
>and wondering if she could pound Gosunkugi for it.

Tom: <Ranma> What do you think, Lefty? Should I pound him?
Crow: [falsetto] I recommend caution.
Tom: <Ranma> Nobody asked you, Bruno!

>There, melded into the skin, was an arrangement of black letters in a
>language she hadn't seen, forming a pentagram. She knew that earlier
>in the day, when she'd been a he, Gos's summoning scroll had hit him
>in the chest, but she had no idea that it would do this.

Mike: <Ranma> I hope to hell he doesn't have another scroll, I might
end up with a tramp stamp.

>Sighing, she brought up the wash cloth to try and scrub the mark off,
>for the second time, and as she ran the cloth over the symbol, it
>changed colours from black to brightly glowing blue.

Crow: It's a mood tattoo?
Tom: And her nipple changed colours to a bright red and... oh wait,
that's just the cold water.
Mike: Already with the bathing scene in the prologue? What the hell
are we working towards by chapter four?

>She frowned at it. It was probably magic, and she really didn't want
>anything like that tattooed onto her skin, especially given what had
>happened with that ultimate weakness moxibustion thing.

Tom: <Ranma> Ink is bad enough but magic rashes like a bitch!
Mike: <Ranma> I only hope that my bra covers the whole design...

>As she thought this, a wave of cold air seemed to wash over her, and
>she shivered.

Mike: Then she swore and sputtered as a wave of hot wax followed.
Crow: <computer voice> DRYING MODE ON... RANMA DRYING... *beeeeep*...

>When she heard footsteps, she looked up, just in time to see the
>blond demon guy from earlier in the day turning his eyes to look
>straight at her.

Tom: <Ranma> Eek! I'm being peeped on by Julian Sands!
Mike: <Jadeite> Wrong blond demon.
Tom: <Ranma> Guy Lafleur?
Mike: <Jadeite> Do I look Canadian?
Tom: <Ranma> You sound Canadian.
Mike: <Jadeite> So do you!
Tom / Mike: <Ranma and Jadeite> Damn dubbing.

>She moved instantly, grabbing him by the front of the shirt and
>slamming him into the wall. "What the hell're you doing here?" she
>demanded, irritably.

Tom: <Jadeite> Uh... Amway?

>The blond's eyes widened, and he looked around, confused. Ranma let
>her grip loosen as she noticed that he looked about as lost as Ryoga
>did whenever he entered a room. "Um," he tried, uncertain. "Do I know

Crow: Suddenly.. a bar of Irish Spring, right between the eyes!
Tom: <singing> You're not fully blind unless you're ZESTFULLY blind!

>The redhead sighed, forcibly pulling back her Kuno bashing instincts.
>"Turn around, open the door, and leave. Wait in the hall, 'n I'll be

Mike: Ranma needs an ink pen so he can write it all on Jadeite's hand.

>You look at anything, I break bones."

Crow: <Jadeite> Really? I break wind, we should totally hang out

>The blond man looked rather bemused, but followed the redhead's
>instructions as she set him down, turning to the door and sliding it
>open to reveal a second small room, with another door out of it that
>lead into a hallway.

Tom: Suddenly we're playing an Infocom game.
Crow: You think the Dark Kingdom has a Grue?
Mike: Well, it's decidedly short on minions right now...
Tom: *ba-dum-tish*

>He stood there for a few moments, noting that he was apparently on
>the second floor of what looked like a traditional Japanese house.

Tom: A Kung-Fu Master, JADEITE and RANMA were suddenly attacked by
several unknown guys.

>Unfortunately, he had no idea how he'd gotten there, and was inclined
>not to try and teleport back to the dark kingdom, for fear that the
>rather angry seeming girl in the bathroom would make good on her
>threat to break bones.

Tom: FYI, 'The Rather Angry Seeming Girl' was the original working
title of Ranma 1/2...
Crow: Oh yeah? What was Sailor Moon's original working title then?
Tom: 'Women of the Prehistoric Planet'.
Crow: Figures.

>Given how quickly she'd grabbed him and smashed him against the wall,
>he had no illusions about her ability to do so.

Mike: Ranma's had plenty of practice, disposing of boogers in the same

>"I could really use a few dozen Youma about now," the dark general
>noted, as a second human female came up the steps from the first
>floor of the house, carrying a pile of clothing.

Tom: <Girl> It's inevitable that you'll be rifling through our
underwear drawers, just save us some time and tell your frat brothers
to sod off.

>"Oh," she said, looking surprised as she saw the rather formally
>dressed man standing next to the door to the bathroom. "We apparently
>have a guest."

Crow: <Henry Stauf> WELCOME TO MY... HOUSE.

>Jadeite wanted to simply ignore her, continuing to think about what
>he was going to do, and perhaps leaving this house before the girl in
>the bathroom was finished,


>though something in the smile of the serene, brown haired woman who
>now stood before him compelled him to answer.

Mike: <Jadeite> You got a piece of seaweed stuck in your teeth.

>"I shouldn't be here for very long, it was an accident involving a
>teleport spell."

Tom: <girl> So that's why your arm is jumping around like a freshly
caught trout in the corner.

>He hadn't meant to say that second part, though the woman simply
>smiled at him, as though teleport spells were perfectly normal, and
>walked past him to a room with a duck on the door, opening it and
>walking in.

Mike: <Jadeite> Now I know I'm in a dream sequence.
Tom: <Duck> But how can you be sure?

>Perhaps, the general thought, given that girl's reaction, he was in a
>house of mages of some sort. He wasn't sure if that was a very good
>thing or a very bad thing, though it did somewhat explain how his
>teleport had been redirected.

Crow: It's yet another gimmick to get people to watch Nick at Nite...
"Mage House".
Tom: <Verne Troyer> And I'm a maaaage!

>When the brown haired woman exited the room with the duck on it, she
>smiled at the blond again. "Would you like to come downstairs and
>have some tea before you leave?" She offered, kindly.

Mike: <girl> Oh, and a very merry unbirthday to you!
Crow: <Jadeite> To me?

>Jadeite shrugged, before nodding, following the girl downstairs. It
>was likely that he would have to leave the house the normal way,

Crow: Butt naked through the window it is!

>as he wasn't sure what was wrong with his teleport spell at the
>moment, but doubted the short red haired girl he'd just popped in on
>would be very appreciative if he'd done it again.

Tom: <singing> Pop! Pop-Up! Pop! Pop into Pop-up Voyeur!
Mike: Besides, if he were to pay with his AmEx, it'd bounce higher
than a Tigger on Red Bull.

>As he reached the base of the stairs, the man looked around,
>observing that the first floor looked a lot more battered than the
>second, as he could see at least one hole in a nearby wall.

Crow: <Wolverine> Don't worry, bub... contractors always come on the
25th to survey the damage, everything's fixed by the first again.
Every month.

>"Excuse me," he asked, as the girl was turning to enter the kitchen.
>"Where exactly am I?"

Mike: <girl> Latitude 35.738352, Longitude...
Crow: <Jadeite> Not THAT exact! Now where am I!?
Mike: <girl> Isn't that a question you should ask yourself?
Crow: <Jadeite> What is this, the Tao of Moon?
Mike: <girl> I don't know, is it?
Crow: <Jadeite> Stop that.

>The girl giggled. "Ah, just like poor Ryoga-kun," she noted. "You're
>in the Tendo home. We're in Nerima ward, Furinkan district."

Mike: <girl> My partner is George Frankly, the boss is Thad Green, my
name is Monday. I'm a mathematician.

>The man nodded slowly. He was, apparently, in the same area that he'd
>been in when first teleported from the Dark Kingdom.

Tom: Much like the story, Jadeite was having trouble getting
Crow: Maybe if you try to brush aside all the commas you can find an
escape hatch.

>Frowning, he hoped that he wouldn't have all of his transport spells
>redirect here, as that would be rather... inconvenient. Seeing his
>frown, the girl spoke up.

Tom: <girl> Better here than the middle of the 401 at rush hour.
Crow: Why? All the cars would be standing still anyway.
Tom: Good point.

>"Please, take a seat in the living room, and if you're lost, I'm sure
>Ranma-kun or Akane-chan can help you find where you need to be," She
>reassured, gesturing across the hall from the kitchen entrance.

Mike: <Jadeite> Thanks, uh, what was your name?
Tom: <girl> Oh, everyone knows who I am, why bother defining it?
Mike: <Jadeite> You mean the girl that looks like Sailor Mercury?
Tom: <girl, cheerful> Yeah, only not!

>Nodding, Jadeite turned, entering a large room with a low table set
>in its center, and a large set of double doors that led out into a

Crow: Anyone else feel like a game of Clue?

>Inside the room were two old men who didn't even notice him, too
>caught up in some form of strategy based board game which, it seemed,
>they were cheating rampantly at,

Mike: <Jack Lemmon> It's your move, moron.
Crow: <Walter Matthau> Keep your shirt on, putz.

>along with a brown haired girl wearing a set of cut-off shorts and a
>tight blue and white striped T-shirt, who was reading USA Today.

Tom: <Nabiki> So what's Biebs up to today? Deported from the US, but
Canada won't accept him back?
Mike: <reading> Nation of Canada says, "You morons made him famous, we

>Sitting at the table and watching the news was an older woman in a
>formal Kimono, who was the only one to look up as he entered. "Oh,
>hello," she said, before her eyes widened, and she shot to her feet.

Mike: <Mrs. Livingston> Mr. Eddie's Father! You're back!

>The dark general tensed, preparing for an attack, which seemed to be
>par for the course for today, before the woman did something very
>unexpected, which also seemed rather par for the course for today,
>and sank back to her knees, bowing and touching her head to the

Tom: And the fanfic moved at a snail's pace, which seems rather par
for the frigging course today!
Crow: <Genma> How'd you get her to do that? Can you teach me?
Mike: <Nabiki> You're interrupting Joe Scarborough, stop it.

>"Jadeite-Sama, it is truly wonderful to see you!" The woman

Tom: <Nodoka> I was getting dreadfully bored, let's have an adventure!
Mike: This has got to be the oddest eHarmony blind date ever.

>Jadeite blinked, The girl in the cut-offs blinked, and he was pretty
>sure that one of the two strategy game players blinked as well, which
>cost him as the other slipped an extra piece onto the board.

Crow: Isn't it amazing the little details you can pick up when you're

>The room fell into deep silence for a moment, before a new voice
>burst it. "Okay, what the heck's goin on here?"

Crow: A scene... allegedly.

>The voice was gruff, male, and Jadeite recognized it. Turning, he saw
>the boy who he had been 'summoned to defeat' earlier in the day,
>standing at the base of the stairs in a red silk shirt and pair of
>loose black pants, and with a glare on his face.

Mike: <Ranma> Can we dispense with the slow reveal? Seriously?
Crow: <Jadeite> Dammit, but I brought Maury Povich with me!

>"Mom, why're you bowing to some random Hinako-sensei knock-off?" He
>looked to Jadeite and shrugged. "No offense."

Tom: <Jadeite> I suppose I should actually meet this Hinako person
before I can be offended by a comparison.
Crow: <Ranma> You fight like Akane cooks! No offense, of course.

>"Ranma," The still bowing woman hissed. "Please, pay more respect to
>one of the lords of our people!"

Mike: <Nodoka> Or a prince of the universe, I can barely remember
those Queen songs anymore.

>Ranma sighed, rolling his eyes. 'This is gunna be one of those days,
>ain't it?' He thought, sourly.

Crow: Already? Gee, an unfinished fanfic, that's a new one.

>End Note: OMG! It's a cliff hanger, how cliche...

Mike: Will Ranma ever get to enjoy Kasumi's dinner? Will Gosunkugi
regain consciousness before the vultures finish their meal? Will
Jadeite ever find out what the hell he's supposed to be doing in this
fanfic? Find out in an all-new episode of 'Help Wanted' in just four
Crow: <Eric Cartman> What!? SON OF A BITCH!

>Don't forget to R&R to beg us to make the hurting stop.

Mike: I'm still trying to stop the itching and burning personally.
Tom: My review... don't even attempt to pay Sylvester Stallone, it'll
make it even less believable.
Mike: Don't be riduculous......
Tom: Oh! Let's get back out there...

Tom and Mike were standing behind the Satellite of Love counter.
Tom's head was adorned with a brown curly wig, while Mike wore a vest
and a bowl haircut wig.

"Cousin Gosunkugi, where are all the sheep... err, my minions?" Mike
asked in a foreign accent.

"Jadeite, this isn't like Mepos. You don't just get minions by...
how the heck did you get minions anyway?"

"Oh, don't be ridic-oo-lus, cousin!" Mike chided. Crow, manning the
soundboard, hit the canned laughter button. "It's TGIF, the kids are
watching and we would not dream of talking about that when the censors
are watching."

"Oh," Tom said. "I thought it was like a 'Lord of the Rings' thing,
with Beryl as Saruman, and the orc pods, and the dripping, and...."

"What happened to Beryl anyway?" Crow asked... and his hand slipped
on the board.

**chonk chonk**

Tom looked at Mike and nodded. Mike yanked off both of the wigs.

"I swear, I was asleep and had no idea what happened!" Mike

"Yeah, the boss and coworkers dead and you're the only one alive
enough to get the company discount. If you're not the murderer,
you're the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in Queens." Tom answered gruffly.

Crow, going with the flow, hit the *chonk chonk* button once more
and grabbed a poofy grey wig. "Detective Brisco, he could have the
best motive in the business but we can't prosecute without evidence!
Go through his financials or something."

"I can't," Tom answered gruffly, "we need a WARRANT and that's your
job, McCoy. He could be dancing on the grave with blood on his hands,
but we can't so much as touch it without your judge's say-so."

*chonk chonk*... *chonk chonk*... *chonk chonk*... "Dang panel,"
Crow groused. He banged on it with one claw... and heard a
distinctive "Schwing!" He shrugged, looked at Tom, and flipped his
wig inside out to show long blond hair.

"Party on Gosunkugi!"

"Party on Jadeite!"

"I swear I'm not guilty!" Mike cried from the other side. "I will
cooperate with the investigation!"

Crow looked at Tom and asked, "Do you have the 'This man blows
goats' sign?"

Suddenly, the lights started flashing and the satellite shaking.
"Too late, we've got MOVIE SIGN!" Tom cried.

[To be continued in part 2 of 2]