Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] None yet suggestions welcome in Reviews! ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 208, reel 1:

"[None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!]"
(A Sailor Moon Fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property of
and (c) 2010 by Best Brains, Inc.

Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of
her works.

This untitled piece of fiction is the property of Mageling. I hope
that the author and the readers enjoy this work.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and distributors.

Comments are welcomed at or


---Satellite of Love

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love," Mike Nelson
stated. "I'm here with the 'Bots, Tom Servo and Crow, and..." Mike did
a double-take at the stuffed animal perched on the counter. "And, uh,
that thing there. Mind giving us a run-down?"

"Of course, Mike!" Crow T. Robot nudged the stuffed animal with a
claw. "Meet Billy!"

Mike contemplated it for a second. "Uh, okay. Billy the what?"

"He's Billy the Zeitgeist!" Tom Servo piped up from the side.

"A... zeitgeist," Mike repeated.

"Yeah! He's always hungry, and everything he eats becomes a part of
him! Why, this conversation is now part of the zeitgeist!" Tom replied.
"We could have a rip-roaring debate about the merits of recycling, and
it'll be in the zeitgeist! The SOL is already in the zeitgeist! Just
look at it!"

Mike peered closer. The stuffed animal was already a mishmash of
eclectic pieces, with the body of a dachshund, the trunk of an elephant,
webbed feet, bunny ears, and...

"Is that David Hasselhoff's face? And does it have a yarmulke on

Crow chuckled. "Today's his off-day, he's feeling rather 90s. He
usually has his face. He's so attached to the Zubaz though,
I don't know what we can do. We keep trying to feed him E! Red Carpet
specials, but for some reason the zeitgeist barely cares even a week
later." Crow petted his head. "Of course, he usually is worked up
through the whole week though, I really don't know why."

Mike turned it so that he couldn't see its face. "Is there anything
he doesn't consume?"

"These MSTings, typically," Tom replied.

"Gotcha." The red light started flashing. Mike picked up the
stuffed animal and held it in front of his face as he hit the button.

---Deep Thirteen

"Yieee..." Frank squelched his squeal before Dr. F could react.

"Darn, I almost thought that we finally found eye-candy good enough to
get some ratings." Dr. Forrester sneered. "There's still a chance,
Mike, that we'll just get your little stand-in to helm the show rather
than you. You're a whole lot of oxygen and food, y'know."

"Ix-nay on the ow-shay! I thought I was supposed to be an experiment
for you to find bad movies and fiction to torture the world with!" Mike

"Oh, stop trying to trample my taunting with a premise," Dr. F huffed.
"And, speaking of trampling, I've got just the thing for amusement for
these junky Minnesota winters."

"Minnesota? Is that where Deep Thirteen is located?" Mike asked.

"Oh, prole, just step outside the studio and.... oh, yeah, premise
again. Dammit," Dr. F sighed, "some days it doesn't pay to get off
the writer's couch... Anyway, you walking cue card, our invention for
today makes winter much more fun and lucrative!"

TV's Frank stepped behind the camera to pan backward, showing a full
profile of Dr. F. Dr. F raised his leg to show the sole of his shoe,
which was glowing blue and had tubes coming from the sides. "Let me
introduce you to the Slipshoe!" Dr. F chuckled. "The premise behind
this one is fascinating. In the wintertime, when there's snow on the
ground, you can melt it slightly through pressure. This shoe has a
smooth bottom and a powerful freezing unit in the sole which allows
the walker to create super-slippery ice resistant to salt and ready
for the next poor schmoe to slip on!" Dr. F put his foot back on the
floor and looked slightly offscreen. "We don't have any snow around
here now, so we'll just show you what's supposed to happen. Get over
here, Frank..."

"Aww, Dr. F, they can dope out how it works," Frank protested.

"Break a leg, Frank. Figuratively or literally. Dr. F growled

TV's Frank sighed as the camera jiggled slightly. From forestage
right, Frank walked so that he was positioned just behind Dr. F. As Dr.
F walked in place, Frank pantomimed a slippery floor. Suddenly, he
threw himself into a pratfall with gusto and dignity, invoking the
spirit of a reckless young Bruce Campbell. "Oh, man, I think I chipped
a tooth..." Frank groused from the floor.

"There you have it! Once I open a few more ambulance-chaser law
firms, we'll not only have our comedy but also our profit! What do you

--Satellite of Love

"If it makes you feel any better, Frank, Chevy Chase is rolling in his
grave," Mike assured the video feed.

"He's not dead yet, Mike," Crow interjected. "Oh, cool, Billy the
Zeitgeist already has rumors about his death though!"

"You're welcome, Crow," Mike responded. "Anyway, Tom told me that
he'd take care of the invention this week. Of course, with no arms that
work, I have no clue what the heck he did, but take it anyway Tommy!"

Tom turned his bubblegum globe slowly toward Mike, almost as if he
could glare without any eyes. "See if I ever bail you out again,

Mike rummaged under the desk and returned with a plastic toy. "Hey,
this looks like the PKE meter I played with in the late 80's, Tom,"
Sure enough, there was a handle at the bottom, a square area which
looked like it could be a screen, and an antenna on top that looked
like a large 'T'.

"See, we've adapted it for a higher purpose, Mike! It's got a cover!"

"Wow." Mike placed the device on the desk. "There are a few more
wires now though, what'd you do to it?"

Tom raised himself above the desk slightly. "It's a Jokeson meter!"
As Crow chuckled, Tom turned back to Mike. "Be useful and push that
button there on the handle." The meter started beeping, and five
seconds later the cover opened up automatically.

"Hey, cool, there's a picture of me on it!" Mike said. "What's it do,
measure awesomeness?"

"Not a chance, meatbag," Tom replied sardonically. "It shows us who
the joke is on." He started chuckling. Crow laughed harder and the
audio pickup caught Frank and Dr. F laughing as well.

"Hey now, give me that. I knew that your phony zeitgeist was stupid,
how can that joke be on me?" Mike picked up the toy and looked at it

"Hey, wait a second... this isn't a screen, you just pasted my
picture in here and put a piece of clear plastic on top!" Mike

Everyone started laughing hysterically except for Mike. Through the
guffaws, Crow looked at him. "Jokeson! See, the joke's on you! You
thought it was real!"

"It really works!" Tom chortled.

"HAHAHAheheh... wooo..." Dr. F struggled to compose himself.
"Terrific idea for a gag gift, guys. Anyway, your 'fic today could
absolutely peg your Jokeson meter. For who, I don't know. I'd tell
you what the title is, but the author didn't bother."

"Sixteen chapters and no title, the joke really is on you Nelson!"
Frank laughed.

"Enjoy white-hot Sailor Moon chess-playing action!" Dr. F waved.

The lights went crazy amid bursts of laughter. "You guys, we're
getting a 'fic and you're laughing about it?" Mike asked. "It's FIC

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right

Mike: Now I know why I always feel as if I'm being laughed at.
Crow: Hey, we can't help it if you're naturally funny!

>None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!
>By: Mageling

Mike: I think that's the earliest that comments and criticism have ever
been solicited.
Tom: I can hardly wait for the sequel, "None Yet Suggest a Number."

>Chapter 1

Mike: Previously on NYSWIR Blue...

>She pressed herself against the wall, trying desperately to remain
>hidden. She hoped that Hibroy's troops would not notice her.

Crow: Fortunately, the wall only betrayed the arrival of Kilroy.
Tom: Makoto Kino IS Sailor Snake!

>"My Lady," came a soft voice. She turned, panicked. It was only
>Donald, the Guardian of Earth.

Crow: Mighty Donald!

>He gave her a reassuring smile. She gave him a furious scowl.
>" I told you to remain hidden," she whispered fiercely.

Tom: We've already lost Huey, Dewey and Louie out there!

>Donald was one of her best friends. He was also one of her Guardians.

Crow <girl>: Speaking of which, isn't it time you issued me a power

>"I'm not going to leave you." He put his hand gently on her shoulder.
>"I care about you too much." She was touched, but she knew his
>thinking would only get him killed.

Mike: Especially as the "human shield" principle applied.

>"Go, now," she hissed. "If you care about me, you will leave me. You
>can be taken, but I can't . If they catch you with me. . . ." She
>broke from his grasp, and hurried into the darkness.

Mike: If this was any more "Casablanca", Donald would be doppled into a

>Donald grabbed her arm. His big hands caught her, squeezing her arm
>so hard she knew she would bruise.
>"Donald, please," she whispered. He tightened his grip. Donald pulled
>her closer.

Crow: Looks like someone's about to be Fabioed.

>"Surrender to my master," he hissed. He twisted her arm until she
>thought it would pop.

Tom: If only Lisa Kudrow had friends like that.

>"Never," she replied, trying to steel herself against him. She had
>been so stupid!
>"You will surrender," he repeated more forcefully. She sank to her

Crow <girl>: OK, OK, you can stay with me! Geez!
Mike: The army's just sittin' back, getting popcorn and drinks...

>Three figures stepped out of the shadows. A ball of fire whirled
>toward them.

Tom: Donald was more than willing to prove the superiority of the
Caballeros over the Amigos any day of the week.

>Donald, caught unaware, was thrown back into the wall. She felt a
>hand on her shoulder. She looked up. Donald's twin brother, Daniel,
>stood over her.

Tom: There WAS an army somewhere, right?

>He helped her to her feet. Beyond him, stood two Senshis, the Senshi
>of Anger, and the Senshi of the Wood.

Tom: But where's the Senshi of Christmas Past?

>"Lady, you should escape." Daniel pulled her to her feet.

Crow <girl>: Yeah, thanks for the tip, Jerry Lewis.

>"You know what you must do," added the Senshi of the Wood.

Tom <girl>: Wait, is this a trick question?
Crow: This has to be the most ineffective rescue since the men sent in to
save the men sent in to save the men.

>"I will. Take care of yourselves, sister Senshis, brother Guardian."
>She hurried off, to leave them to deal with Donald. She hoped that
>they would be alright.

Mike: How come I'm getting a strong urge to play Kingdom Hearts?
Tom: They should be fine as long as that army doesn't suddenly fade back
into being!

>*** *** *** *** *** *** ***
>Ami slowly opened the envelope. She smiled.

Tom: <Ami> According to this, I may have already won a scene change!

>"What is it Ames? asked Serena, peering up from her book. Ami looked
>down at her. She frowned at Serena. Serena had placed a comic book
>inside her math book.

Crow: She also shoehorned a waffle into her science book. It was a
revolutionary way to pack.

>"You are supposed to be studying." Serena blushed.
>Ami sat down, setting the envelope on the table. Rei reached over
>slowly, obviously trying to snatch it and read it for herself.

Mike <Rei>: Oooh, I'll bet it's a gas bill! Maybe even a credit card

>"Plane tickets," Ami told them. Rei withdrew her hand.
>"Plane tickets?" repeated Lita. She looked up from her own comic-
>"Plane tickets," confirmed Ami.

Mike: If it's Northwest, she may as well leave now and beat the

>"Where are you going? asked Rini. Rini sat cross legged on the floor.
>She was trying to make a gift for her friend's birthday.

Tom: With only a bit more navel lint, she'd finally be able to finish
the afghan.

>Ami stood. She looked around at the expectant faces of her friends.
>"I'm going to Canada, for a chess championship," she announced. The
>others stared at her.

[All laugh]
Crow: Canada? What's first prize, a plate of poutine?
Tom: Yeah, who's the defending champion? Moose Baby?

>"Chess?" Mina asked with a bewildered look. "You're going all the
>way to Canada for chess?" Ami just smiled. She hadn't really
>expected her friends to understand.

Tom: They were severely plot-deprived, yet had far more common sense
than Ami suspected.
Mike: Global needed her to show up for some Sailor Moon promos.

>They rarely did when it came to academics. Still, she doubted she
>could have better friends.
>Ami stood, and bid her friends a cheerful goodbye. She had to pack.

Mike: Three suitcases. Hopefully Northwest will hit North America with
three chances.
Crow: Anyone up for healthy speculation as to where she hides her
henshin stick to get through airport security?

>Chapter 2:

Crow: Well, let's recap the fanfic so far. The Simpsons are... I mean,
Ami's going to Canada!
Tom: I smell Emmy.
Mike: I smell something else.

>Ami wandered the halls of the Canadian university, searching for a
>way to the dorms.

Mike: Take a left at Tim Hortons, go straight, take a right at the
next Tim Hortons, and it's next to the Tim Hortons.

>She read each new sign. Each was written in both English and French.
>For fun, she would alternate languages as she searched. She needed
>to keep her mind sharp.

Tom <Ami>: Hey, wait... in English, it says "Dorm 100m ->" but in French
it says "Go to hell, Anglo,"?

>The university wasn't large, but it had been emptied for the summer.
>It seemed infinitely larger because it was so empty, void of the
>noise that usually filled schools. It was almost eery.

Mike: Or even Ontario.
Tom: Ami completely missed the memo that Ottawa sent to the country.
All of Canada is currently revolting against the evil U.S. overlords
for independence.
Crow: It was the most exciting five minutes Canada had ever seen.

>The little hairs on the back of her neck rose. Ami tightened her
>fist. She looked around, but could see no one.

Crow: They all ran when they saw her fists.
Tom: You have an all-purpose computer, Ami! USE IT!

>Amy had room 603 in the west ward. The door wasn't locked. Ami pushed
>it open, and went in. The girl looked up at Ami, panic flashing
>across her face.

Crow <Girl>: Who ARE you? Amy, or Ami??
Mike: Ami but sometimes y.

>She had gone very pale. She had long purple-black hair that was
>pulled into a tight braid. The braid was tied off with a green
>ribbon that clashed with her blue flowered sun dress.

Tom: And, incidentally, her hair.
Mike: Wow, a tie-dye goth. Don't see that every day.

>"Hello," said Ami, giving the girl a friendly smile.
>"Hi," squeaked the girl. She looked to be sixteen or seventeen. She
>was acting oddly shy and nervous. Ami was struck with the image of
>a child when the girl smiled tentatively.

Crow: I hadn't the slightest we'd be reading "Senshi and a Half."

>"I'm Ami," she continued. "I guess I'll be your room mate for the
>week. What's you name?"
>"I'm Kyaranna," the girl replied shyly. "My friends call me Ky."

Tom: She was conceived at a renaissance faire.

>"Can I call you Ky?" A ghost of a smile crossed the girl's pale face.

Tom: <singing> All along, along, there were incidents and accidents,
hints and allegations...

>Amy plunked down heavily on her bed. She was tired and sore. She had
>decided that she did not like flying in air planes one little bit.

Mike: <Amy> I can't believe they showed BOTH Deuce Bigalow movies...

>"D'you want a warm up game of chess before the tournament starts
>tomorrow?" asked Ky.
>"Sure. But my board is still packed."

Mike: Yet ironically enough, she's ready to go.
Crow: Rather odd form of foreplay.

>"No problem. We'll use mine." Ky waved her hand toward the board.
>Ami felt her mouth drop open.

Crow: <Ami> Wow, uh... okay... am I the Canadians... or the Oilers?

>She had never seen such a finely crafted chess set. Each piece seemed
>to be hand crafted from smooth stone. Ami picked up the black-stone
>queen. The queen's face even had detail.

Tom: <Ami> The teeth are crooked and I can even see the signs of
inbreeding! Impressive!

>There were folds in the queen's dress that made it look like she was
>standing in a light breeze. The folds in the white-stone's dress
>went in the opposite direction.

Crow: Not often you see a chess piece in mid toot.
Mike: I never thought I'd see panty shots in a story about chess.

>Ami wondered if that was done purposefully. She reasoned it was.

Crow: There's only room for one thought in Ami's mind at a time. Like
when she took that wine-making course and completely forgot how to

>Ky picked up two pawns, one white, one black. She put the behind her
>"Pick a hand, Ami." Ami smiled. She crocked her head.

Mike <Ky>: Ow, dammit! I said pick a hand! That hurt!

>She preferred to have white, as it meant she would go first.
>"Left," she replied. Ky flipped over her left hand. In it was the
>white pawn. Ky smiled.

Crow: she flipped over her right hand to reveal a even whiter

>"Good choice, Ami."
>Ami made her first move, blocking the only was Ky would have for a
>four-move check mate.

Tom <Ky>: *Cough* Hey! What's with all the fog!? *cough*

>She followed Ky's hand as it rested over a pawn. Her hands were very
>smooth and soft looking. Perfect, just like her chess set.

Crow [to Mike]: I told you it was foreplay.
Tom: Suddenly, passionately, the two of them cleaned off the board and
pulled each other close for a long, hot kiss.

>Ami narrowed her eyes as Ky took her knight. She was expecting it.
>She could tell Ky was holding back. Then again, so was she. Ami
>moved her bishop.

Crow: You see, her bishop had been receiving some allegations from the
congregation, so she had to transfer his diocese.
Tom: You know, this would be far better if Don Cherry showed up around
the first intermission.

>"Check," she said, trying to hold back the confident tone in her
>voice. Ky made the only move she could.
>"Stalemate," Ky observed.

Tom: HOW?!? She was just in check and moved out of it... how did she
force a stalemate without Ami even moving?

>"You were holding back."
>"So were you.

Crow <Ami>: Shall we play a game of Crazy Eights next? I promise to
hold back the you-know-whats.

>Besides, I wouldn't want to give you an edge now, would I?"
>"I suppose not," replied Ky with a smile. She seemed much more
>relaxed now.

Tom: Upon a closer look at the chessboard, you can see white squares,
black squares, and that white line in the center...
Mike: <Ky> It's SO medicinal...

>Ky stood up, packing away her beautiful chess board.
>"Come on, I'll show you to the dining room."

Crow <Ky>: Right after I arm the safe.
Tom: But Ky held back and only showed her to the pool.

>"Do you attend this university?" asked Ami, surprised at the ease Ky
>had going through the university.

Crow: You'd never know it, but Ky's on double secret probation.

>"No. I'm not from Toronto.

Mike <Ky>: Which means I'm not incapacitated with Leaf anguish for
seven months of each year.

>I'm not old enough to go to the university yet." Ky brushed a wayward
>piece of hair off her face.

Mike <Ky>: Unless it's to a frat party!
Crow: Evidently, she's old enough to know of razor burn...

>"I just wanted to get a taste of being away from home before I go on
>my exchange trip."
>"Wow, where to?" asked Ami. She was impressed.
>"Japan. The culture fascinates me." Ami grinned.

Tom <Ky>: What's this "seppuku" I keep hearing about and how can I

>"I live in Japan."

Mike <Ky>: Omigod! Can you get me on Team Rocket!? PLEASE SAY YES!!!

>"Really? Your English is wonderful."
>"Thank you."
>They had reached the dining room. Ami was surprised at the number of
>teens that were there.

Crow <Ky>: Chess groupies. Expect to beat them off all evening.

>All of them were there for the contest.

Tom: Actually, someone told them Barenaked Ladies were here tonight
and all the non-Canadian kids misunderstood.

>Ami worried that she would not get very far. With this kind of
>competition it would be very difficult.

Mike: Fortunately the swimsuit portion was first.
Tom: Still, she had a few weeks to prepare herself... it IS chess, after
all, and she was sixty-third in line.
Crow: AND the tournament was Round Robin format. Three years later the
quarterfinals start.

>Ami sat with Ky. She hardly ate any of the food. The spaghetti sauce
>looked too watery for her liking.

Crow <Ky>: You realize that you're complaining about a hot dog, right?
Mike <Ami>: Than what's this thin red..... YAAAAAHHH!!

>Besides, she was more tired then hungry. Ami just wanted to drop her
>head and fall asleep.

Crow <Ami as Peppermint Patty>: *clunk* I'm awake! The answer is six!

>The doors burst open. Ami looked up, startled. A man came in.

Mike <Kool-Aid Man>: OH YEAAAH!
Crow <Ami>: Now THAT red stuff looks tasty!

>He wore a dark green suit that looked almost black. He looked very much
>like Tuxedo mask, except he was wearing a silver crown on his head.

Tom: Jughead pimps all the way out.

>Ami tried to comprehend what his face looked like, but she forgot what
>he looked like even as she stared at him.

Tom: <singing> Forgettable... that's what... you are...
Crow: Ami seems to have been sniffing the pepper a bit hard tonight.

>She felt her blood run cold.

Crow: Shouldn't have had revenge for breakfast.

>"I know you're here, Senshi!" he called. He held out his hand.
>"Earth Triumph Blast!"

Mike <Ami>: Oh, hello! Should I call you "Earth"? I already know of a
Triumph, and you're not as funny.

>Out of his hand shot a long, thin beam of energy that wrapped around
>three students near the door. The students were turned to stone.

Crow <Ami>: Sweet! I'll just hide and he should take care of most of
my opponents. I can smell victory already!
Mike <Ky>: No, that's just my lap.

>"Some out, Senshi, and I'll release them. You know what I want." He
>grinned. "The rest of you losers, get out of here."

Tom: 'Canada's Worst Actor', this fall on Discovery!

>Ami joined the crowd in its frantic rush to escape the powerful madman.
>Ami slipped away from the others, into a deserted hall.

Tom <Ami>: Oh, hey Bruce, Mark, Dave Foley...

>"Mercury Crystal Power!" she cried. She transformed into her Senshi
>uniform, and hurried back to the dining room.

Mike <Ami>: You'll get those tater tots over my dead body.
Tom <Ami>: In the name of overpriced french fries and ready-made
sandwiches, I will punish you!

>Ami threw open the doors. The male-senshi stared at her.
>"Who are you?" he asked, crocking his head.

Mike <Ami>: I'll be your fanservice for the evening. Would you like our
wine list, sir?

>"I am Sailor Mercury. You want a Senshi, you got one.

Tom: They're like Merry Maids in that regard.
Mike: Well, the guy's rock garden was strangely incomplete without a

>Now let them go."
>"I've never heard of you, Mercury. You are not the Senshi I seek."

Mike <Mercury>: I am not the Senshi you seek....
Crow <man>: You can go about your business...

>His eyes narrowed. "You must be a Lesser Senshi. How you got here is
>completely beyond me.

Mike <Mercury>: *sigh* I've never had to explain this to an enemy
before, but when a mommy and a daddy love each other...

>If you'd like a fight, I'd be glad to oblige you."
>Ami looked around. She pulled down her visor.

Crow <man>: Or... perhaps a rousing game of Poker instead?

>She wished the others were here. They were all much stronger fighters
>then her, even Mini-Moon.

Mike: Even Luna. Even Luna's fleas.

>"Mercury Bubbles Blast!" she cried. The room filled with grey-blue
>mist. Ami moved, careful to avoid the male-Senshi. She could see
>him, but he could not see her.

Tom <Ami>: I'll just hide behind Billy here... he's fat, and if that guy
shoots at me Billy could stand to lose a stone or three.
Crow: Armed with fistfuls of back bacon, Ami decided to start the
messiest food fight in history.

>"Nice trick, for running away." Ami would not let him goad her into
>doing something stupid.

Mike <Ami>: You can't goad me! I'm the smart one!
Tom: Wait, running away would be *smart*, wouldn't it? That way she
could ambush him even more fully than now. I think she was
reverse-psychologied there.

>"Aqua Rhapsody!" The blast of icy water incased the male senshi as
>the bubbles drifted to the ground.
>Ami consulted her computer. She could not figure out who this guy
>really was.

Mike <Ami>: No mention of him on Google or Wikipedia... he must not

>"Wait! Don't destroy him!" called a voice from above. Ami looked up.
>A senshi jumped down from the rafters. "He's human!" The senshi
>landed between Ami and the male senshi.

Crow: Then a senshi jumped from the pot of spaghetti sauce. "Don't
listen to her OR the senshi hiding behind the toaster!"

>"Who are you?" asked Ami. The senshi smiled, fiddling with her dark
>purple outfit, and stretching her long staff toward the frozen man.

Tom: I am the senshi formally known as Princess.
Mike: Acceptable answers include Sailor Elle MacPherson, Sailor Jessica
Alba, and Sailor Jennifer Garner.

>"I am Sailor Kotanam.

Crow: Kotanamundi Man? Here? Sweet!
Tom <Sailor Kotanam>: I'm a hero AND a word jumble!

>He is the Gaurdian of Earth. He was after me." She smiled bitterly.
>"Stand back, Princess, or you may get sucked into my vortex too."

Tom <Ami>: Does it lead to a more coherent story?

>She touched the ground with the tip of her staff. "Kotanam Gate!" Out
>of her staff snaked a black light. The light swallowed up the
>Guardian of Earth. he disappeared.

Crow: It's a portable Punji pit!
Mike <Sailor Kotanam>: Well, that's done. Lunch?

>The Senshi turned back to Ami.
>"I am sorry to cause you trouble, sister Senshi. I had hoped they
>couldn't follow me here." She sighed.

Mike <Kotanam>: The Saran Wrap should've held! Freshness Shield my ass!

>"Get going. I will free the captives from the Guardian's magic."

Crow <Kotanam>: Anybody got a chisel handy? Anybody?
Tom <Kotanam>: I must work quickly before the pigeons arrive!

>Ami stepped back, and headed toward the door. She stopped, and turned
>to ask Sailor Kotanam a question. But, the strange senshi was already
>gone, and the three stone students were returning to normal.

Mike <student>: Dude, what the hell was all THAT about!?
Crow <student>: Dunno, dude, but I'm still holding out for some bare
naked ladies.
Tom <student>: Either of you guys have a Toonie? I need change for the
munchie machine...

>Ami thought it best to leave.

Crow: Wait! Don't give up yet! There's so much more of
Canada to experience! Hockey! Multi-colored money! Beer with
slightly more alcohol in it! Chicken Cannons! Topless nudity
in public! Umm uhh...

>Chapter 3

Tom: Return of the King... what? It's chess! It applies!
Mike: With special guest star, Richard Pryor!
Crow: I hope she remembered to hit a save spot before going on.

>Ky awoke earlier then her room mate. She couldn't have been more
>pleased with the roommate who had been chosen for her.

Crow: She'd never been able to terrorize someone so completely and so

>She seemed to have met her intellectual match in Ami. As a bonus, Ami
>was quiet and did not ask too many questions. She simply seemed to
>accept Ky as she was, as she appeared to be.

Crow: Just one of many faceless Canadians, all of whom are busy plotting
for the apocalypse to come.
Mike <Ky>: Ooh, maybe she can even help out with the violent overthrow
of the local Pizza Pizza!

>This suited Ky nicely.
>She tied her hair with the little green ribbon that her mother had
>given her before she had died.

Crow: The whooooole inheritance.

>It was the only tie she had to her home.

Tom: Ribbondell.
Crow: Ky's from Taiwan?
Mike: Her mother was Inspector #12.

>She felt lost and alone. She knew it would only get worse.

Tom: The Red Green Show was coming on in ten minutes.

>"Hey, sleepy head," Ky called. Ami moaned and pulled her pillow over
>her head. "Jet lag," decided Ky. She smiled, thinking of what she
>already knew about this girl.

Crow: It's amazing what a little sodium pentothal in the toothpaste can

>"Ami, we have to be at the tournament in half an hour." This had the
>desired effect. Ami sprung from her bed as if it were on fire.

Mike: Yeah, you don't want to lose the good seats.
Tom <Ky>: If we're not in the front two rows at the half-pipe, how will
we ever have a chance to catch one of Tony Hawk's vital organs?

>"Why'd you let me sleep so late?" she demanded, slamming the bathroom
>door behind her. Ky grinned, and fought to control the bubble of
>laughter that had come into her.

Tom: Once Ami finds out it's Sunday, Ky, you'd better be running for
your life.

>The shower came on. Ky could hear Ami frantically getting ready. Ky
>rearranged her chess pieces on the board, listening to Ami murmur

Crow <Ky>: I'll give her another minute then flush the toilet! Hee hee!
I'm such a nut!

>"Check, Ami," Ky whispered, "your move."
>Ami burst out of the bathroom, looking frazzled but otherwise very
>neatly dressed.

Tom: Ami dropped Ky's empty deodorant stick and shampoo on the board.
Mike <Ami>: Checkmate.

>Her hair was in disarray, and Ami was trying to tame her wayward
>locks. Ky grinned. Ami turned a murderous glare at her.

Crow <Ky>: Yeah, Ami, you're exactly right... love *is* a battlefield!
Heh heh...
Tom: So this is what happens when author-created characters stop being
polite and start being real... pains in the asses.

>"You're evil!" she exclaimed playfully, realizing her error. "The
>tournament starts this afternoon!"

Mike: And right back to foreplay. The hell?

>"Of course I'm evil," replied Ky, trying to look innocent.
>She laughed. Ami began to laugh too. "Come on. Let's get some

Crow: The suspense is killing me... strychnine, arsenic, or just
regular ol' hemlock?


Mike: Snowing? In Canada? No way.

>Ami tried not to let her jaw drop open again. The cafeteria had been
>full, but the number of kids had to have doubled.

Tom: So this is what happens when you glitch a chess game. Centuries
of people have always wondered...

>There were more then two thousand names displayed on the huge

Tom: And their dojos! Can't forget their dojos.
Crow: And some enterprising troublemaker, to save time, just hung a
"Kick Them" sign at the bottom.

>"There's got to be at least two thousand teens here," whispered Ami.
>"No doubt more," replied Ky, who was scanning the board to find her

Mike: So either the board itself is the size of your average battleship
or the print is so small they need a telescope.
Crow: They'd better pray that board is fastened securely or it'll be
sudden death.

>"I'm in group A1," she added, pointing up near the top of the giant
>list. "I'm playing a Russian girl. How 'bout you?"

Crow: <Ami> I played a good regular season, so I have a bye.

>"Group B12," replied Ami.

Tom <Ami>: I'm an important part of this nutritious breakfast.

>She followed the lines of the championship board.

Crow: <Ami> I wonder if the guy that tried to kill me is up there...
yep, there he is. Third from the top right.

>"There's no way I'll face you until the finals, if either of us get
>that far. Out lines never merge until then."

Mike: <Ami> DRAGO!!! Oops, getting ahead of myself in my training.

>"Well then, whomever is out first gets to be black in our first real
>game. We won't play again until one of us is out or we're both in the
>finals. Deal?"

Mike: Ahh, a suicide pact! I was waiting for one of those.

>"Deal, Ky." Ami grinned. "Good luck."
>"Hum. I don't put faith in luck. You shouldn't either." Ky bounced
>away into the sea of students.

Tom: She needs to lay off the Gummi Berry juice.

>Ami laughed, and went to find her opponent.

Crow: Blackjack in hand, she stalked silently...

>Ami was disappointed. The match had lasted less then an hour. The boy
>from France gave her a weak smile. She congratulated him in his native

Mike: Then he hoped the congratulations would *never end*.
Tom: That would definitely be the ultimate strategy... if your choices
as a chess nerd are to either win the match or make time with a
Japanese chick, and probably for the first time in your chess-addled

>"Bien jouez," Ami said, shaking his hand. . The boy, maybe fifteen,
>gave her a much bigger smile.

Crow <Ami>: Don't feel sad! I'm widely considered to be a genius in

>"Merci, Ami," he replied. "Bonne chance." Ami smiled.

Tom: Aww, man... if he's got to go back to France, then does that
mean that Charlie Brown has to go back home?

>She returned to the score board in time to see her name go up. Her next
>match would be the next morning, when she'd fight the winner of the
>Italian boy versus the American named "Jordan".

Tom: Italian boy? Is that the third tenor that isn't Domingo or

>She couldn't decide if Jordan was a girl or boy, but it didn't really

Crow: Ami decided that she could bounce chess pieces off their head no
matter what parts they had below.

>Ami found Ky's match slot. Her game was not yet finished. Ami decided
>to take a walk around the campus to get acquainted with where she
>needed to go.

Tom <Ami>: I've got this new protest song I've been DYING to try out at
the Commons...

>Ami had no clue where she was. She was lost in an out of the way ally.

Mike <Ami, grumbling>: Stupid streets of Shapier... where the HELL is
the damn Money Changer!?

>A scream cut through the still air. Ami pulled out her transformation
>"Mercury Crystal Power!" she cried. She transformed into Sailor
>Mercury, and ran toward the scream.

Crow: Oh, Ami, you only encourage that kind of behaviour. Saunter over
casually, so that the scream knows you care but that you're not going
to drop everything.

>A wave of memories flooded her mind. Everything that had happened the
>day before came crashing back to her. That new senshi had played with
>her mind. Not just her mind, but the minds of everyone on campus!

Mike <Ami>: I'd better call Raz and the rest of the Psychonauts in on

>This senshi meant serious business.
>A second scream jolted Ami back to the present. She continued her run
>toward the sound.

Crow: Forget it, Ami. If you didn't make it for the original, the
sequels just get worse.

>She came into sight of the main building. In dark shadows lurked a
>man and two dog-shaped beings. There were two girls lying unconscious
>out in the light. They were very pale.

Tom: Oh Lord, it's turned into Manos!

>"Night Terrors, capture that senshi!" ordered the man. The two
>dog-creatures sprang into the dying light of day.

Mike: They became significantly less formidable once they started
scooting in the grass.

>The dog-creatures were not really dogs at all, but shaped that way.

Crow: Oh! They're really killer shrews, right?
Mike: Soooo, should we call Ghostbusters then... or not...??

>They seemed to be made of living shadow. Ami felt her blood drain
>from her face, and she wanted nothing more then to run away. She
>stood her ground. Her bubbles would do no good against these fowl

Tom: Her rocket launcher, on the other hand...
Mike <Ami>: I may be scared but you're just plain chicken!

>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" she yelled. The two hounds were frozen. They
>shattered into a thousand pieces.

Tom: Whoa, she performed a Fatality on the Animality! Cool!

>"You'll not get away so very easily, senshi," said the man. He held
>out his hand. Ami felt as if a giant fist were pulling her in. She
>could not breath very well.
>"Where is the Princess?" demanded the man.

Crow <Ami>: C-Cell block... 1138...

>"So that's it," thought Ami. "He's after Serena. I can't let him!"
>She refused to answer him.

Tom: At least verbally.

>The invisible hand tightened it's grip. Her lungs burned from lack of
>air. Ami thought she would lose consciousness.
>"I repeat, Lesser Senshi, where is your princess?" Ami drew her lips
>together tighter.

Crow <Naoko Takeuchi>: Hey your lips look fine! Stop that!

>Black spots were beginning to appear in her vision.

Tom <Ami>: Finally, I get to test my fal-tor-pan theory. Anyone
around want a katra?

>"I am here, Guardian," said a voice. "Let Sailor Mercury go."
>"Gladly. She is of no use to us." Ami was thrown against a tree. Her
>head bounced off the truck, and soon she knew no more.

Mike: A tree? In an alley?
Tom: Now, this is a story about Jane Doe. Jane Doe lives in room 1242
of St. Mary's Hospital in downtown Toronto. Her room is always very
humid due to drooling. She has a pretty blue skirt! Drool, Jane,

>Chapter 4:

Crow <Ed the Sock>: Coming up next on "This Fanfic Sucks", will Sailor
Mercury survive her brutal assault from the Mummenschanz? And if so,
will Ky finally be able to seal the deal with her? Stay tuned!

>She blinked back the tears as Donald was sucked back into the dark
>abyss that she had created.

Tom: <girl, softly> You're fired.

>"Wake up, sister Senshi, Sailor Mercury," she urged. She gently shook
>the other scout awake.

Crow: Just the ticket for someone who may possibly be suffering major
hypoxic brain injuries.
Mike: And as much as one can be awakened from a serious concussion.

>"Where's the Guardian?" asked Sailor Mercury, looking about
>"He's gone, for now. Hopefully he won't get away."
>"Who are you?"

Tom <Mercury>: Oh, and what is your quest?

>"I already told you, I am Sailor Kotanam." She helped the other girl
>to her feet.
>"I've never heard of you before," Mercury said, giving her an
>appraisal. She had great intelligence in her eyes.

Crow <Sailor Kotanam>: I'm Pluto's replacement, she took her planet's
declassification pretty hard and left the service.

>"I am not surprised. I am not from this universe, but from an
>alternate one. I am Princess of the Kandar people."

Tom: Really? Any relation to Crab People?

>"Then why are you called Sailor Kotanam ?" She smiled at the bewildered

Mike <Sailor Kotanam>: It's the sound I once made when I had a tuna bone
stuck in my throat.
Crow <Kotanam>: Well, I was Sailor Oort Cloud before the Great Senshi
Renaming of ought-three...

>"It is who I am. Kotanam is the place where all universes collide. I am
>the keeper of the gate, born in a new universe every lifetime."

Crow: You wouldn't BELIEVE the amount of mail that's trying to find her.
Tom <Mercury>: Wait, doesn't that make you Sailor Zuul?
Mike: Which means she only has sex with Rick Moranis to look forward to.

>A memory, most unexpected, came into her mind. She had to fight to get
>through it. She had so many past lives, and memories from all of them,
>that it became difficult for her to stay focused sometimes.

Mike: Whoo, it's the intermittent retcon memories!

>"Princess of Mercury, why are you on Earth? Who is guarding your
>people? Your mother and father?"

Crow <Mercury>: We subcontracted Flash Gordon. Let me tell you...
NEVER subcontract Flash Gordon.

>The senshi gave her a blank look that told her all and nothing.

All: ....

>It was a look of deep frustration and total loss. Sailor Mercury had no
>clue what she was talking about!

Crow <Mercury>: Hey, don't blame me, we were supposed to take over
America before our economy went kablooey!

>"I was born here. The Silver Millennium is long over. Earth is my home
>now." The senshi stood.
>"They'll notice us soon," Mercury said. "We should get into cover."

Mike: They who?
Crow: All of the yuri fiction writers, that's who!

>"Tomorrow, then, after you matches, but before supper, meet me in the
>ally over there," she commanded.

Crow <Mercury>: He'll be the one snoring in the cardboard box.
Tom <Kotanam>: The password is "voluptuous", five dollar cover charge.

>"Then, we will talk, Sister Senshi to Sister Senshi. I'll tell you
>everything you need to know."

Mike <Ami>: But we've only got... oh, wait, it's a chess tournament,
take a few weeks. It'll be fine.

>Without another word, she raised her staff above her head. She
>transported herself away, where she would not be seen by Mercury, or
>any normal human.

Tom: Little children, the mentally retarded, and Ziggy could still see
her though.

>Hibroy's army was making too much progress. If they were breaking her
>seal then she had only one choice.

Tom: Ziploc.

>She had to get Serenity's Crystal, the Silver Imperial Moon Crystal.

Mike: Queen Serenity's Silver Imperial Moon Crystal. Queen Serenity,
the mother of the Princess Sailor Moon...
Tom <Ky>: OKAY, OKAY, I've got it!

>She only hoped that the Moon Princess would be willing to hand it
>over to her.

Mike: If not... there's always eBay.

>If not, there was always force. A whole universe was at stake, maybe

Tom: Are you forgetting about tickling? Bondage? Deceit? Grovelling?

>******************************************************************** *

Crow: See? The universe is already down to about seventy stars, they're
already screwed.

>Ami returned to her room. Her head pounded. She hoped she wasn't
>bleeding. Ky was in their room when she returned.

Mike <Ky>: Sorry to hear about your forfeit tonight, I was looking
forward to playing you.

>"Where've you been? asked Ky. "It's almost time for supper."

Tom <Ami>: Oh, I was... uh... on a date... with Prince.

>"I took a walk, and got lost," replied Ami truthfully. Ky smiled.
>"No sense of direction in that brilliant mind of yours, Ami?"

Mike <Ky>: No clues, no hope, little discerning, some sense of self but
an overriding depression brought on by insecurity and sheer ignorance.
Crow <Ami>: Did you miss anything?
Mike <Ky>: Oh, you actually understood all that? Good girl!

>Ami smiled back, but the pounding in her head was almost too much.

Mike <Ky>: No sense of self-preservation in that brilliant mind of
yours, Ami?

>Ami followed Ky to the cafeteria.
>"How'd you do?"

Tom: <Ami> How's it possible to get red-carded at a chess tournament?

>"I won. You did too, I see. Well done, Ami."
>"Thanks," she replied, trying to ignore her colossal headache.

Crow: For the daughter of a doctor, she picked an odd time to go
Christian Scientist.

>"Did you hear about those girls?" asked Ky. Ami shook her head.

Tom <Ami>: Those girls, those girls, or those other girls?

>"Two girls were mugged. They took them to the hospital, but they seem
>to be fine now. They were found not to far from the main building."

Mike: Because muggers know, when they want the big bucks go target poor
college kids!

>"Geeze, it's not safe anywhere is it?" Ami murmured. She had a strong
>suspicion that the girls were the ones the Guardian had attacked.

Crow: Ami Drew and the Secret of the Toronto Slasher.

>"No, unfortunately," answered Ky. "Come one."
>"I've got to go to the bathroom," lied Ami. "Any near here?"
>Ky showered her the way.

Tom <Ami>: Wha...?
Crow <Ky>: Oops, sorry about that. Scrub my back?

>"Can you find your way back? Ky asked.
>"Easy," replied Ami.

Mike: Yeah, easy. Three minutes tops she'll be back in that alley.

>"Ok then. I'll save you a spot in line."

Mike <Ky>: Better known as 'the back'.

>"I won't be long," Ami promised. She enter the rest room.
>Ami checked all three stalls, then she locked the door. Ami opened up
>her communicator.

Tom <Splinter>: April? Hey, who are you!?

>"Anyone there?" she asked quietly. The screen went fuzzy, then Rei's
>face appeared in the little screen.
>"What's up girl?" she asked. "How's your trip?"

Crow <Ami>: Not bad, I've got a concussion, my roomate's trying to
seduce me and I pwned my opponent with my l33t ch3ss skillz. How
about you?

>"Weird," replied Ami. "There's a Scout here. She seems to know a bit
>about us. Keep watch out there. I'll report with more tomorrow."

Tom <Ami>: You'd NEVER believe how much information I'm feeding her
about you jerks.
Mike <Rei>: Yeah, I'll be sure to watch the Japanese/Canadian borders

>"Thanks for the head's up," replied Rei. "Careful up there girl.
>There's not enough of us to teleport if you need help."

Mike <Rei>: Did I mention Mina and Makoto quit?

>"I know. See you, Rei. Say hi to the others. I should have word"
>"Will do. Bye Ami." Ami slipped her communicator back in her pocket.
>She felt better now that one of the girls knew what was happening

Crow <Ami>: Now if only *I* can figure out what the hell's going on

>Chapter 5
>Ami sat in the dark corner silently, in her senshi form.

Mike <Ami, thinking>: I save lives and they give me a time out for
flooding the hallway. Ingrates.

>"Been waiting long?" asked the voice of Sailor Kotanam
>"Not really," replied Ami.

Crow <Ami>: I wait until the coming attractions start, then I cast
"Shabon Spray", then I let everyone leave while I have the theater
to myself!


Tom <Kotanam>: Wait a bit longer, I always meant to teach myself the

>The unknown senshi sat on the ground facing Ami.
>"This is very hard for me to admit," Sailor Kotanam began.

Tom <Kotanam>: I... I'm sorry, Ami, but I just like the dubs better!
You'll always be Amy! Oh, wait...

>"The reason this has happened in your world is my fault.

Mike <Kotanam>: Vincent Van Ghoul warned me, but I just didn't listen.

>The armies of Hibroy followed me."

Mike: It couldn't be because of the short skirt, eh?

>"Hibroy?" Ami repeated. "Who is he?"

Crow: Secure enough in his masculinity to keep a name like "Hibroy".

>"A master of dark arts and mind control from another universe. His
>minions came after me."
>"Why?" asked Amy.

Tom <Kotanam>: I kept calling and fake-ordering pizzas for them to
deliver. Man, some people can't take a joke.

>The other senshi smiled bitterly. Ami knew she had asked the most
>important question.
>"Because, as the Senshi who guards the gate to all universes, my powers
>would grant him anything his heart could desire.

Crow <heart>: Less KFC chicken, more KFC salad!

>With my power I can change the perception of reality. I could grant him
>access to any world he wanted." Ami blinked in surprise.
>"That's amazing. . . ."

Mike <Kotanam>: I can also give you unlimited lives, ammo and the
ability to moon jump.
Tom <Ami>: Just keep any nude codes to yourself, 'kay?

>"It's a curse," replied the other senshi bitterly. "I've never felt
>safe. I remember all my past lives, and can draw from those memories,
>but sometimes an unwanted memory will surface.

Crow <Kotanam>: Invade Russia... man, was I stupid back then.

>Like when I was talking to you.

Mike: How involved are you in a conversation if you're bringing up
completely unrelated memories?
Crow <Kotanam>: Wow, I'm now remembering the last time I spoke with
Kennedy. He wouldn't listen either. At least he looked cute.

>In my mind, I could see your parents. I was a member of the Court of
>Mercury in my former life, and I was a few years older then you. You
>were so cute when you first learned to control your Bubbles.

Tom <Ami>: Tub ticklers were my speciality.

>Now, I find that your power has grown with you."

Mike <Kotanam>: I'll bet your bubbles can take out an entire city block

>"What happened to you, Sailor Kotanam? Obviously Queen Serenity did not
>bring you back on earth like everyone else."

Crow <Kotanam>: Oh, this isn't Ceti Alpha V?

>Sailor Kotanam looked away. Her voice was charged with tears.

Crow: And her inhibitions were charged by beers.

>"I was killed shortly before your thirteenth birthday. I was only
>seventeen. . .

Tom <Kotanam>: They said it was defective candles... I say it was those
three stooges that baked it.

>I was murdered by a boy I loved like a brother."

Mike <Kotanam>: Just because I accidentally erased all his RPG save

>Pain crossed the young girl's face.

Crow: I refuse to believe a breakup and five gallons of "Death by
Chocolate" makes a homicide, Miss Drama.

>"It is not fair. Destiny seems to be against me.

Tom: Destiny. Kills senshi dead.

>The Guardian of Earth, the one who has attacked you twice now, was one
>of my best friends.

Crow: I'm sure Ami will be your friend too, and she'll try to get you to
stop talking also.

>Because he is under Hibroy's powers, he has tried to kill me several
>times. It breaks my heart, seeing that inhuman gleam in his eyes.
>History seems to be repeating itself."

Tom: Out of sheer idle speculation... what does it matter, Kotanam? You
come back every time anyway...

>Ami gave the other senshi a sideways look.

Mike <Kotanam>: And I just don't... Ami? Amy! W-Where did all this fog
come from!? Don't you DARE ditch me! AMI!!

>"It often does," Ami agreed. "But you haven't explained why you have
>come here."

Crow <Kotanam>: History repeats itself, but not backstory sister. If
you didn't get it the first time, you won't get it the next.

>"The key to freeing all my people is here, on this world." Ami stared
>in disbelief.

Mike <Kotanam>: Quickie annulments! Where's the Pope?
Tom <Kotanam>: I seek the one called Rambo.

>She had a sneaking suspicions that this would require Serena and the

Tom: Oh darn, and here I thought we would get boatloads more of 'My
Dinner with Kotanam'.

>"Hibroy can only affect Lesser Senshi and normal Senshi. The Greater
>Senshi, like you and I, are immune to his power.

Mike: To that end, he has taxed the people for years to build the
biggest chocolate mines in existence.
Crow: So, Hibroy's power falls somewhere between the power of positive
thinking and the power of cheese?

>Further more, anyone touched by this key is freed from his spell, and
>cannot ever fall under his powers again."

Crow: Wait up here! You came *here* to find the key, and you've had it
on your own keychain the whole time?!

>"The Silver Imperial Crystal," Ami whispered, giving the other senshi
>a hard look. "That's what you're after, isn't it?"
>Ami stood.

Mike <Ami>: From one chess player to another, I won't be your pawn.
Crow <Kotanam>: I can take hostages if needed.

>"I cannot help you. Only the Moon Princess could give that to you. I
>don't think she would, not unless she thought she could trust you

Tom <Ami>: Would you settle for the Silver Imperial Three-Handled Moss-
Covered Family Credenza?
Crow <Kotanam>: Does that come with or without "The Kramer"?

>"If she doesn't, I'll have to force her. The fate of many worlds
>hinges on this."

Crow: Because trust is all about the use of force.

>The other senshi gave Ami the impression that she did not care at all
>about what happened to Serena.

Mike: That's odd, I'm getting the impression that Ami is denser than a
mile of mercury.
Crow <Ami>: Why... you're not even going to handle the funeral
arrangements, are you!?

>Ami gave the other senshi another dark look.

Crow <Bela Lugosi>: Ooh, what a look I'll give you!

>So that was how it was to be? Fine then, she could play by those rules

Tom <Ami>: I'm going to write horrible things about you on the bathroom
stall! In Japanese, English AND French!

>"If you try and force her into anything, Sailor Kotanam, you will find
>angry senshi on your doorstep.

Mike: All 583 of them.

>No one will let her be hurt." Ami stepped back into the shadows.

Mike <Ami>: Well, good! Cause I am TOTALLY vengeance! And the night!
Tom: Either Ami thinks she's in a Rockstar game or she's going all ninja
on us.

>"Good luck on your quest, but take care that you don't hurt anyone I
>care about, or you may find yourself being reborn."

Tom <Kotanam>: This falls right into my plan... for no one can refuse a

>She jumped up into the rafters above, and sat silently, waiting to see
>what Kotanam would do next.

Crow: <Ami> I'm a bat now... squeak squeak...

>"I don't want to hurt anyone," the senshi said, thinking she was
>alone. "I just want my friends back."

Crow <Kotanam>: Who'll be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My
fingernail transplants? Who will I blame my mistakes on?
Mike <Ami>: Ha ha! You're talking to yourself! Oops!

>Ami watched the senshi leave, then she jumped down from her hiding
>place among the rafters. She picked up the bag she had hid behind a
>garbage bin.

Tom: I always thought "Ami" was really the mild-mannered janitor.

>She took out the tape recorder, and turned it off.

Mike <Ami>: I'm taking this evidence straight to the dean's office!
Let's see Kotanam threaten Serena from DETENTION!

>Ami left the dark ally, and went off to find another private place
>where she could send this to her friends.

Crow: Oh, her imaginary friends aren't in the same imaginary rafters
that Ami imaginarily hid in?

>They needed to know. Serena needed to be on her guard. Odds were, that
>if the Sailor Kotanum knew about the Silver Crystal, so did the enemy.

Tom: Oh, that's fine, the enemy already won the eBay auction.
Mike: As a matter of fact, Serena had already posted "A++++++" even
BEFORE this conversation!

>Serena frowned.
>"This isn't good, Ames. Thanks for the heads up."

Tom <Serena>: But next time, warn me AFTER 8pm, okay? This call is
costing me a fortune!

>"Yeah," added Rei, the face on the communicator changing to hers.

Mike: I had a Mickey Mouse watch that could do that...

>"We'll watch out for this Sailor Kotanam You watch out for yourself out
>there, Ami."

Tom: It's good to know that the Senshi are so proactive in such urgent
Crow <Rei>: And hey, let's be careful out there.

>"I can handle five more days, guys," Ami told them. "Try and protect Rini
>too. She might become a target."

Crow: The best case I've ever heard for digging a deep deep hole and
hiding her in it.

>"Good thinking, girlfriend!" exclaimed Lita,

Mike <Lita>: You go, girl! Outta sight! Cowabunga!

>her face taking the place of Rei's. "Have fun!" Then the communicator
>shut off.

Tom: It ran out of faces.

>"Fat chance of that happening," Amy thought. "Oh well. It's almost
>supper time. Better get going before Ky realizes I'm gone."

Mike <Ami>: I'm going to be needing some pretty solid alibis soon...
Crow: Aww shoot, my shift's starting.
Tom: Let's vamoose.