Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ A Shrubbery! ( Chapter 11 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


-------------------------------------------------


Chapter 11: A Shrubbery!


Sailor Venus:
[In vexation] Mako-chan, do you have any idea of where we're going?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Irritably] I told you, Minako-chan, I'm sure that we'll find the others if we head due southeast. We've been
traveling north and west for sometime, so they've bound to have headed back by now.

Sailor Venus:
[Frowns] That's not what I meant. [Gestures at their surrounding] Just look around.

{Sailor Jupiter glances around the area, which happens to be nothing but empty grassland stretching as far as the eye
can see. A few sheep are staring at the two Senshi warily, wondering if they should be somewhere else at the moment
and if it wasn't too late to run away.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] Yeah? So?

Sailor Venus:
You don't know where the hell we are, do you? We're lost! We're completely lost! There isn't a soul around for
kilometers!

Sailor Jupiter:
That's not true. [Points at the sheep] See?

Sheep #1:
[Jumps] Baaah!!! Bah baaah!

Subtitle:
Crap!!! They've spotted us!

Sheep #2:
[Nervously] Ba baah baaaaaah!

Subtitle:
Let's get outta here!

Both sheep:
[While fleeing] BAA BAAAAAAAH!!!

Subtitle:
RUN AWAY!!!

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Jupiter:
What do you suppose that was about?

Sailor Venus:
I don't think we'll ever understand the minds of sheep.

Sailor Jupiter:
....

Sailor Venus:
[Notices Jupiter staring at her] What?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Sighs] Never mind. It's not we could've asked them for directions, anyway.

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] Ask a sheep for directions? That sounds kinda stupid if you ask me.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Twitches] .... [Grumbles under her breath] I will not snap.... I will not snap....

{Suddenly, Launcelot appeared before the two Senshi, along with a sign with the words "Surprise! Look what I've got for
you! - Jason" on it.}

Launcelot:
[Blinks uncertainly] Well, that was certain strange. [Notices the Senshi and waves sheepishly] Uh, hello....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Hands on her hips] So, there you are!

Sailor Venus:
[Same pose] Where have you been?

Launcelot:
[Shrugs] Oh, nowhere, really. After that really strong push you gave me - which knocked me clear to China, by the
way - the author was nice enough to bring me back here as quickly as possible. Anyway, we've wasted enough time at Swamp
Castle. We'd better hurry up, or we'll be late in meeting up with King Arthur. [Turns to leave]

Sailor Jupiter:
[To Venus] China?

Sailor Venus:
[While rubbing the back of her head in chagrin] Gee, I guess we DID kinda overdo it a little....

Sailor Jupiter:
Not that we regret it, or anything.

Sailor Venus:
[Nods] Of course not. [Pauses] ...but, the look on his face as he rocketed over the horizon was priceless, wasn't
it? [Giggles]

Sailor Jupiter:
[Laughs] Yeah! Such a great stress reliever! After all, who knows what insanity Jason-san is going to inflict on
us next?

{The scene quickly changes to show the author typing away at his laptop. He suddenly sneezes.}

Jason:
[Sniffles as he glances around] ...nah. Couldn't be. [Shrugs] Oh, well. On with the insanity! [Wide grin] Hehehe....


-------------------------------------------------< br>

{King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, and the three Sailor Senshi....}

Sailor Mars:
[Frowns with her hands on her hips] What? We're not good enough to be mentioned by name as well?

{.... [Sighs] Fine. King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Pluto made their way back out through
the forest toward one of the villages they had passed through before. Happy?}

Sailor Mars:
[Nods] Yes. Much better.

{Anyway, the group entered the village, looking to inquire about a shrubbery. [Dramatic chord] Hey! Not now, you idiot!}

Music conductor:
[Off screen] Oops. Sorry! I was on the wrong page!

{.... [Sighs again] As I was saying, they were looking to inquire about a shrubbery. [Dramatic chord] Cut that out!!!}

Music conductor:
[Also off screen] Sorry! My fault! It was an accident! [Whispers to the band members] I told her it was an accident.

Band members:
[Chuckling off of the screen] ....

{[Coldly] ...don't make me kill you.}

Music conductor:
[Very much off screen] ....

Band members:
[Yes, they are still off screen] ....

Music conductor/Band members:
[Amongst themselves while still way off the screen] Scary....

{As I was saying.... [Glares at the music conductor] They were looking to inquire about a shrubbery. [Quickly glares at
the music conductor]}

Music conductor:
[Whistling innocently while not on the screen] ....

{Good boy. Anyway, the village appeared to be empty, with the exception of one old woman was swinging a cat by its tail
against the wall of her house for some incomprehensible reason. Must be a Dark Ages thing, I guess.}

Sailor Moon:
[Gasps as she sees the cat] Oh no! Luna!

Sailor Mars:
[Shakes her head] That's not Luna. That's just a black cat.

Cat:
[Being hit against the wall] Rewr! [Whack] Rewr! [Whack] Rewr! [Whack]

Sailor Moon:
[Concernedly] Shouldn't someone do something about that?!? It's cruelty to animals! Especially cats!

Sailor Pluto:
The ASPCA doesn't exist yet, Usagi-chan. It won't exist for several hundreds of years.

Sailor Moon:
[Fumes] How terrible! Then, I'll stop th-

King Arthur:
[Shouting] Old crone!

{The old crone stops beating the cat against the wall and comes out of the house.}

Sailor Moon:
[Blinking] That's not what I had in mind, but.... [Shrugs]

King Arthur:
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [Dramatic chord]

{THAT'S IT!!! YOU DIE!!!}

Music conductor/Band members:
[Oh boy, is this ever off screen] AHH!!! RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!! [Runs away with the narrator chasing them...
all off screen, in case you haven't noticed]

Old crone:
[Glances around suspiciously] Who sent you?

King Arthur:
The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

Old crone:
[Staggers] Aaugh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

Sailor Moon:
[Points] There they go with that 'Augh' thing again. What's so bad about saying 'Ni'?

Old crone:
[Staggers again] Aaugh!

Sailor Moon:
[Gasps] Oops! [Waves her hands frantically] Sorry!

Sailor Mars:
[Shakes her head] Usagi....

King Arthur:
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... [Pauses] ...we will say...
[Pauses again] ...'ni'.

Old crone:
[Groans painfully] Aah! Do your worst!

Sailor Mars:
[Impressed] Wow. She's a tough old lady.

Sailor Moon/Pluto:
[Nods] ....

King Arthur:
[Firmly] Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily.... [Glances around]

Sailor Moon:
[Hesitantly] Um... you're not really going say it, are you?

King Arthur:
...'ni'!

Old crone:
[Straining] No! Never! No shrubberies!

King Arthur:
Ni!

Sir Bedevere:
Nu!

{The old crone is writhing in pain while the two knight say 'ni'.}

King Arthur:
No, no, no, no.... It's 'ni'! You're not doing it properly.

Sir Bedevere:
Ni!

King Arthur:
[Points] That's it! You've got it!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
Ni!

Sailor Moon:
[Very upset] Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see you're hurting that poor old lady?

King Arthur:
[Sighs regretfully] I don't want to do this, but we need a shrubbery if we want to appease the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

Old crone:
Aaugh!

Sailor Pluto:
Usagi-chan, King Arthur did try being reasonable first. Sometimes things have to be done this way. [Reluctantly]
Ni.

Old crone:
Aaugh!

Sailor Moon:
[Shocked] Not you, too, Setsuna-san?!?

Sailor Pluto:
[Grimly] If we want to find the Holy Grail, this must be done. [Louder] Ni!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere/Sailor Pluto:
Ni!

Man:
Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?

{Everyone turned to look at the man who had just arrived riding a cart full of assorted potted garden plants.}

King Arthur:
[Ashamedly] Erm... yes.

Man:
[Despondently] Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is
a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable
economic stress at this period in history.

King Arthur:
Did you say 'shrubberies'?

Man:
[Nods] Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and
sell shrubberies.

Sailor Pluto:
[Smiles] How very convenient.

Sir Bedevere:
Ni!

King Arthur:
[Quickly restraining him] No! No, no, no, no!

Sailor Moon:
[Relieved] Oh, thank goodness you're here! Can we get a shrubbery, please, Mr. Roger the Shrubber?

Roger the Shrubber:
Just 'Roger' will be fine, miss.

Sailor Pluto:
Mr. Roger, we are in great need of a shrubbery of excellent quality.

Sailor Mars:
[Nods] Yes, we need one that's 'nice, but not too expensive'.

Roger:
'Nice, but not too expensive' is it? I believe I can arrange a good shrubbery for you. Where do you require me to
place the shrubbery?

King Arthur:
It is for the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

Old crone:
Aaugh!

King Arthur:
Oh, hush you.

Roger:
Ah, you want to pass through the woods, do you?

Sir Bedevere:
[Curiously] How do you know that?

Roger:
[Matter-of-factly] Because I am a shrubber.

Sir Bedevere:
[Nods] Ah! It makes perfect sense.

Sailor Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ...figures.


-------------------------------------------------


{The scene shifts to show the author typing at his laptop. Suddenly, the author pauses as he starts to sneeze.}

Jason:
[Sneezes] ...AAAACHOO!!!

{The force of his mighty sneeze causes him to accidentally hit the fast-forward button on his laptop. However, since he
currently had neither a CD nor a DVD in his laptop at the time of the sneeze....}

Jason:
[Stares in shock] GAH!!! Fast-forward, NO!!!

{After much fiddling with the controls of his laptop, the author finally managed to slow down the story to a more normal
pace. Fortunately, none of the characters in his story noticed his fumble-fingered, clumsy, bumbling-}

Jason:
[Irritably cutting her off] Bite me, dickweed. Just get on with the damn narration. [Goes back to typing while
grumbling irritably]


-------------------------------------------------< br>

{After Roger the Shrubber finished designing, arranging, and planting the shrubbery for the Knights Who Say 'Ni' - and
paying for it with his Camelot Visa©, which he never leaves his castle without - King Arthur, Sir Bedevere and the Sailor
Sen... I mean, and Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Pluto all stood before the Knights, waiting.}

Sailor Mars:
[Nods approvingly] You're learning.

{[Grumbles] ....}

King Arthur:
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

Head Knight:
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.

Sailor Pluto:
That is good. I picked those out.

Sailor Mars:
[To Sailor Moon] I never would've guessed that Setsuna-san had a talent for flower arranging, too.

Sailor Moon:
[Nods] I like the laurels, too. [Smiles]

Head Knight:
[Interrupts] But, there is one small problem.

King Arthur:
[Blinks] What is that?

Sailor Mars:
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?

Head Knight:
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

A random knight:
Ni!

Another random knight:
Shh!

Head Knight:
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-
boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv'.

Sailor Senshi:
[Boggles] ....

A random knight:
Ni!

Sailor Mars:
[Eyes wide] What kind of jacked-up, unintelligible, crap is that?!? Who the hell can say all that?!?

Sailor Pluto:
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv.
< br> Sailor Moon/Mars:
[Staring at Pluto] .... [Boggling]

Sailor Pluto:
.... [Grins smugly]

Head Knight:
Therefore, we must give you a test.

King Arthur:
What is this test, O Knights of.... Knights Who Till Recently Said 'Ni'?

Head Knight:
Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [Dramatic chord]

{THERE YOU ARE!!! DIE!!!}

Music conductor:
[Not surprisingly, off screen] Crap! She found us!

Band members:
[Yeah, you know where] We must flee!

Music conductor/Band members:
[While fleeing in an off screen manner] RUN AWAY!!!

{DIVINE JUSTICE!!! [Chases after them, for they are off screen]}

King Arthur:
[Looking flatly at the Head Knight] Now, look what you did.

Head Knight:
[Slightly flustered] Well, how was I supposed to know that would happen?

A random knight:
Ni!

Head Knight:
At any rate, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher
so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

Random knights:
[Excitedly] A path! A path! Ni! Ni! Shhh!

Sailor Pluto:
[Thoughtfully] Two-level effect, hmm? [Takes out a notepad and starts to take notes]

Sailor Mars:
Is this really the time, Setsuna-san?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shrugs] You never know when you'll get the opportunity to learn something interesting. Besides, I'm thinking of
arranging some shrubberies for the Time Gate. After all, the place is so gloomy all the time. And maybe I'll even get a pet
bunny, too.

Sailor Moon/Mars:
[Exchanging looks] ...the Time Gate Garden? Pet bunny?

Sailor Pluto:
[Raises an eyebrow] Why not? [Eyes narrow] Is there something wrong with that?

Sailor Moon/Mars:
[Sweatdrops] Um... never mind.

Head Knight:
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[Dramatic chord as he displays a herring]

{The music conductor and the band members quickly took off running again as soon as the chord ended, while quickly being
pursued by the narrator, who fully intended to shove the band's instruments in places where musical instruments were never
intended to go.}

Random knights:
[Excitedly] A herring!

Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:
[Facefaults] A what?!?

King Arthur:
[Slightly perturbed] We shall do no such thing!

Head Knight:
[Pleadingly] Oh, please!

King Arthur:
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

Head Knight/Random knights:
[Painfully while covering their ears] Aaaugh! Aaaaugh!

Sailor Mars:
[Folding her arms in vexation] They're doing that 'Augh' thing again! What the hell is going on? We didn't even
say 'ni' and they're the ones who say that damn word all the time!

A random knight:
Ni!

Sailor Mars:
[Angrily] Shut up!!!

A random knight:
[Cringes] ....

Sailor Moon:
Must you frighten everyone we come across, Rei-chan?

Sailor Mars:
[Irritably] You can shut up, too.

Head Knight:
Don't say that word.

King Arthur:
What word?

Head Knight:
I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

Sailor Moon:
Why?

Head Knight:
The answer to that is written in the Great Book.

King Arthur:
[Blinks] The Bible?

Head Knight:
[Shakes head] No. The script.

Sailor Moon:
So, the reason why you can't hear the word is in there?

Head Knight:
Well... not really.

Sailor Senshi:
[Facefault] ....

King Arthur:
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

Random knights:
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaugh!

Head Knight:
[Also cringing painfully] You said the word again!

King Arthur:
[Confused] What, 'is'?

Head Knight:
[Shaking head] No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get very far in life not saying 'is'.

Random knights:
[Also shaking heads] No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.

Sir Bevedere:
[Pointing] My liege, it's Sir Robin!

Sailor Moon:
[Happily] Mercury! Saturn! Neptune!

{From the direction that Sir Bedevere was pointing in, Sir Robin, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Saturn and Sailor Neptune arrived,
accompanied my Sir Robin's minstrels. The three Sailor Senshi seemed to be almost as annoyed as Sir Robin, who was still
having to deal with listening to the skipping troubadour mock him.}

Minstrel:
[Singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

King Arthur:
Sir Robin!

Sir Robin:
My liege! It's good to see you.

Head Knight:
[While he and the other knights cringe] Now he's said the word!

Sailor Mars:
[Angrily] Would you all shut up?!?

Sailor Mercury:
[While glancing at Mars] What's wrong, Rei-chan?

Sailor Mars:
[Grumbling irritabily] ....

Sailor Saturn:
Why does Rei-chan look like she's going to strangle somebody, Setsuna-mama?

Sailor Pluto:
You're probably better off not knowing, Hotaru-chan.

King Arthur:
[Ignoring both the knights and the Senshi] Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

Minstrel:
[Still singing]
He is sneaking away and buggering up-

Sir Robin:
[Cutting him off] Shut up! [To King Arthur] No, no. Far from it.

Head Knight:
[While he and the other knights cringe painfully again] He said the word again!

Random knights:
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!

Sir Robin:
[Blinking] I was looking for it-

Random knights:
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!

Sir Robin:
[Getting confused] ...uh, here... here in this forest.

King Arthur:
[Shaking his head] No, it is far from this place.

Random knights:
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!

Sailor Neptune:
[Frowning in bewilderment] Why are they all shouting 'Augh' like that whenever someone says 'it'?

Head Knight:
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word-

King Arthur:
[Angrily cutting him off] Oh, stop it!

Head Knight:
...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!

King Arthur:
[Gesturing at his servant] Patsy!

{As the knights continued to cringe painfully, King Arthur began to hop away past the Knights of Ni followed by Sir
Bedevere, Sir Robin and his minstrels, and the six Sailor Senshi.}

Sailor Mars:
[Glaring at the narrator off screen] What did I tell you about that?

{Oh, stuff it. There's six of you and three of them. I don't have time to go around listing them all each time you're all
mentioned at once. [Sticks tongue out at Mars off screen]}

Head Knight:
[As the others started to leave] Wait! I said it! [Cringes] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three
'it's! Ohh!

Random knights:
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!

Sailor Mercury:
[To Sailor Moon] It seems a lot has gone on in our absence. Why's Rei-chan arguing with the narrator?

Sailor Moon:
[Smiling] I don't care, just as long as it's not with me.

Sailor Saturn:
[To Sailor Pluto] Setsuna-mama, has the insanity started again?

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs] I'm afraid that it has never stopped... and things are only going to get worse.

Sailor Saturn:
[Shivers] I'm scared, Setsuna-mama....

Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] I know, Hotaru-chan. I'm scared, too....


-------------------------------------------------


{The author suddenly appears on screen holding a sign saying "It's...."}

Jason:
[Cheerily] It's....

{He flips the sign.}

Jason:
[Cheerily again] ...time....

{He flips the sign.}

Jason:
[Still quite cheerily] ...for....

{He flips the sign.}

Jason:
[You won't believe how cheerily] ...a....

{He flips the bird. He then realizes his error and flips the sign.}

Jason:
[Cheerily with a really cool echo effect] ...NARRATIVE INTERLUDE!!!

{Some of the plaster on the ceiling of the room the author is standing in shakes loose and sprinkles lightly on his head.}

Jason:
[Grinning smugly] Pretty cool, huh?

{Just then, a very large chunk of plaster breaks off of the ceiling and smacks the author on the head, causing him to
collapse onto the floor with the huge plaster chunk covering the top half of his body.}

Narrator:
[Walking in] So, is it time for the.... [Notices the huge plaster chunk covering the author] ...oh, dear. That looks
like it hurt. [Starts backing away] Well... um, I'll just go and start the narrative interlude then, all right? [Starts
backing away faster] I'll... uh, get someone to help clean this up. Okay? Later! [Runs away]

Jason:
[Moaning painfully while shifting under the rubble] Owie....


-------------------------------------------------


{And so, King Arthur, Sir Bedevere and Sir Robin, and Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Saturn, Sailor
Neptune and Sailor Pluto set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene Twenty-four.}

Sailor Moon:
[Petulantly] And I still haven't found my spam....

{Too bad.}

Sailor Moon:
[Folds her arms] Hmph! Meanie.

{Like I care. Anyway, beyond the forest, they met Sir Launcelot, Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus and Sir Galahad, Sailor
Uranus and Sailor Knight and there was much rejoicing.}

Knights:
[Unenthusiastically] Yay.

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] Oh, please. Don't strain yourselves on our account.

{In the frozen land of Nador - which apparently seemed to be right next door to the forest, amazingly enough - they were
forced to eat Robin's minstrels.}

Sailor Senshi:
[Aghast] We were WHAT?!?

Sir Launcelot:
Anyone got any Worcestershire sauce? [Notices that the Senshi aren't eating] Aren't you hungry?

{All of the Sailor Senshi with the exceptions of Sailor Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Knight all paled and quickly ran off to
find the nearest bush.}

Sailor Uranus:
[Queasily] We'll pass.

Sailor Neptune:
[Also queasily] Thanks anyway.

Sir Launcelot:
[Shrugs] Suit yourselves.

Sailor Pluto:
[While looking quite pale] If they keep this up any longer, I may just join Usagi-chan and the others.

Sailor Knight:
[Nodding while also looking quite pale] ....

{And there was much rejoicing.}

Knights:
[With a little bit more enthusiasm] Yay!

Sailor Moon/Mercury/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:
[While bending over a bush] Buuuuuuuuuuuegh!

{A year passed... at least, for the knights it did. The author quickly grew tired of the Sailor Senshi's incessant whining
and cryogenically froze them, just to shut them up.}

Sailor Senshi:
HEY!!!

{Quiet, all of you. You're frozen.}

Sailor Senshi:
WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!!!

{I said, you can't speak. Frozen time. Go sit in the corner like good little Senshi popsicles and shut up.}

Sailor Senshi:
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!

{Says who? And why are you all speaking in all caps, anyway?}

Sailor Senshi:
WHY DO YOU THINK?!!! WE'VE BEEN FROZEN!!! FROZEN PEOPLE HAVE TO SPEAK IN ALL CAPS AND END EACH SENTENCE WITH THREE
EXCLAIMATION POINTS!!! IT'S IN THE RULES!!!

{Oh. Well, it's still annoying. Anyway, Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into
Winter, ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn, during which the author decided to
finally show some mercy and thaw out the Senshi.}

Sailor Senshi:
[While dripping wet and glaring] ...about damn time.

{Have a nice sleep?}

Sailor Senshi:
not really. we still didn't ask for it.

{[Blinks] Let me guess: All caps while frozen and no caps when just thawed?}

Sailor Senshi:
bingo. give the girl a cookie.

{A sign appears with the words "Get on with it! -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Senshi:
[Nods] no arguement here.

{All right, then. Fast forward until one day....}


-------------------------------------------------


{King Arthur, his knights and the Sailor Senshi continued their way down a treacherous mountain path, along with a bunch
of other knights that haven't been named as of yet. But seeing as they are merely extras, and the reader probably doesn't
give a crap at this point in time, they shall remain nameless.}

Nameless knights:
[While looking insulted] Hey!

{Anyway, the huge throng of Knights and Senshi traversed their way down the mountainous path where they finally came across
a reasonably level part of the terrain, said to be where the enchanter they sought dwelled practicing his magical art.}

Knight:
[Points] Over there, my liege!

{King Arthur turned to look in the direction the knight pointed. In the distance, a large plume of smoke accompanied by a
loud, thunderous explosion caught the king's attention.}

King Arthur:
[Gesturing toward the smoke] Knights! Forward! [Glances at the Senshi] Oh, and you all as well. [Hops away]

Sailor Uranus:
[Grumbling] I swear, one year away from us and it's back to square one with him.

Sailor Pluto:
I could've been worse.

Sailor Uranus:
[Raising an eyebrow] Oh, yeah? How so?

Sailor Pluto:
[Flat look] You could've spent the year WITH him.

Sailor Uranus:
[Sweatdrops and grimaces] Well... when you put it like that....

Sailor Neptune:
[Putting a hand to her head] Maybe we should just follow them?

{The group made their way toward the source of the smoke and explosions until they came across a gnarled old man wearing
gray robes and a cap with what appeared to be ram's horns protruding out of it standing atop of a medium-sized hill. He held
a long wooden staff on his right hand, out of which, huge fireballs flew out of and struck the ground away from the
approaching travelers.}

Sailor Moon:
[To Sailor Mars] Hey Rei-chan, it looks almost like your Fire Soul, doesn't it?

Sailor Mars:
[Tossing her head haughtily] Hah! That's nothing. My Fire Soul is much more powerful and it looks better, too.

Sailor Moon:
But still, it does look kinda like your Fire Soul. [Frowns slighty in confusion] Isn't that some kinda copyright
infringement or something?

Sailor Mars:
[Flatly] I'm surprise you even know what-

{Before Sailor Mars could finish her reply, the fireball-wielder suddenly disappeared from the hill with a short blast and
puff of smoke and quickly reappeared in a similar short blast and puff of smoke.}

Sailor Knight:
[Boredly] Ooh. He teleports, too. Like we haven't seen that at least a hundred million times.

Sailor Venus:
[Rolls her eyes] Yeah, every Youma, Cardian, Daimon, Lemure....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Cutting her off] We get the point.

King Arthur:
[Ignoring the Senshi again] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?

Sailor Mercury:
Would you happen to be an enchanter? We've been told that there was one such person in this area.

Old man:
I... am an enchanter.

King Arthur:
By what name are you known?

Old man:
There are some who call me... 'Tim'.

Sailor Knight:
So, what do the others call you?

Sailor Uranus:
[Aside to Knight] Probably 'That Horny Guy'.

Sailor Knight:
[Snickering] Or maybe 'The Man with the Big Stick'.

Sailor Uranus/Knight:
[Laughing] ....

King Arthur/Knights:
[Blinking] ....

Sailor Senshi except for Sailor Knight/Uranus:
[Sweatdrops and blinks] ....

King Arthur:
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.

Tim:
Greetings, King Arthur!

King Arthur:
[Blinks] You know my name?

Tim:
[Knowingly] I do.

{Tim proceeds to point his wooden stick at a dead, leafless bush and set it on fire with a stream of flame that erupts
from the tip of the stick.}

Sailor Mars:
[Blinking along with everyone else] Well... that was certainly... um, pointless.

Sailor Mercury:
[Also blinking] I fail to understand the reason behind setting that bush on fire. Was that supposed to be an
intimidation tactic?

Sailor Knight:
[To Sailor Uranus] You scared?

Sailor Uranus:
[Shaking her head] Nope. You?

Sailor Knight:
[Shaking his head] Not one bit.

Tim:
[Scowling] Oh, shut up! The lot of you! What do you know about intimidation anyway? You're a bunch of little girls
wearing ridiculously short dresses that don't even cover up your legs! [Pretends to tremble] Ooh, look! I'm trembling with
fear! Don't let those little girls kill me!

Sailor Knight:
[Coldly] Did you just call me a little girl? [Moves hand toward his sword]

Sailor Jupiter:
[Flinches] Uh-oh.

Sailor Mercury:
[Pales] Ryo-chan, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Please don't kill him.

Sailor Neptune:
[Placatingly] Ryo-kun, try to remember that we need him to get to the Holy Grail.

Sailor Pluto:
[Calmly] If you kill Tim now, then this whole chapter - no, this whole fanfic, will end up being completely messed
up. Not only that, but knowing the author, he'd have to really get creative and take some incredible liberties to bring the
story back to where it's supposed to go. [Pointed look] And you know what happens when Jason-san starts to really get
creative.

Sailor Knight:
[Blanches] .... [Moves hand away from his sword] I'll... let him live... for now.

Sailor Mercury:
[To Tim] So, you're an enchanter? What does an enchanter do anyway?

Tim:
[Conspiritorily] Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not really an enchanter anymore. After all, enchanters can't
do those really cool things like cast fireballs or teleport.

Sailor Mercury:
[Surprised] You're not an enchanter?

Tim:
Oh, I'm still a licensed enchanter.

Sailor Venus:
[Blinking] They have licenses for that?

Tim:
[Nods] Oh, yes. They have licenses for everything these days.

Sailor Senshi/Knights:
....

Sailor Knight:
I'm almost afraid to ask, but what are you now?

{Beside Tim, a table suddenly appears in a puff of smoke. A deck of cards with the words "Magic: The Gathering" printed on
the backs of them.}

Tim:
I am a Prodigal Sorceror.

Sailor Mercury:
[Frowns] Wait a minute. Prodigal Sorcerors use Blue mana. You're not supposed to be able to cast Fireballs, since
they use Red mana.

Knights:
....

Sailor Senshi except for Mercury:
....

Sailor Mercury:
[Fidgeting] Well... the game seemed interesting....

Sailor Senshi except for Mercury:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Tim:
What? Haven't you ever heard of a mixed deck?

King Arthur:
Excuse me. I'm sure that this would be an interesting conversation at some other time, but can we get back to the
point?

Tim:
[Blinks] Oh, right. Sorry. [Clears throat] You seek the Holy Grail!

King Arthur:
[Amazed] That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.

Tim:
[Nods] Quite.

{Tim extends his hand toward the mountain behind the group, apparently concentrating on something.}

Sailor Mars:
[Blinking] What are you doing?

Tim:
I'm tapping the mountain for mana.

Sailor Senshi/Knights:
[Mass sweatdrop] ....

{After concentrating for a few seconds, Tim returned to the table and flipped over a card that reads "Fireball" on the top.
Once he flipped the card a fireball appeared in his hand, which he quickly flung over everyone's heads. The fireball
impacted with the tip of the mountain, making a huge burning explosion.}

Knights:
[Appluading] ....

Sailor Mars:
[Unimpressed] Big deal. I could beat that in my sleep.

Tim:
[Scowling] Shut your yap, girl.

Sir Robin:
[Interrupting] Oh!

King Arthur:
[Nods] Yes, we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

Knights:
[Noding] Yeah. Yes, it is. Yup. Um-hm.

{Tim quietly folds his arm and stares at the Knights while the Sailor Senshi wait for King Arthur to convince Tim to tell
them where to find the Holy Grail.}

King Arthur:
And so, we're... we're... we're looking for it.

Sir Bedevere:
[Nods] Yes, we are.

Sir Galahad:
[Nods] Yeah.

Sir Robin:
[Nodding] We are. We are.

Sir Bedevere:
We have been for some time.

Sir Robin:
Ages.

Sailor Uranus:
[Muttering] It certainly felt like ages.

King Arthur:
[After glaring at Sailor Uranus] Uh, so... uh, anything that you could do to, uh... to help... would be... very...
helpful.

Tim:
[Still staring] ....

Sailor Knight:
I don't think he's interested. [Folds his arms angrily] Look, are you sure he's the one we're supposed to be looking
for?

King Arthur:
[Nods] Quite sure.

{Sir Galahad steps forward desperately to plead for Tim's aid.}

Sir Galahad:
[Urgently] Look, can you tell us where-

{A second fireball slams into the ground in front of Sir Galahad, halting him and cutting him off mid-sentence. It also
serves to make the Knights even more nervous. However, it has the opposite effect on the Sailor Senshi, making them more
irritated.}

Sailor Mars:
The nerve of that guy! How dare he use the power of fire like that! He's giving my powers a bad name!

Sailor Neptune:
[Slightly upset] That really was uncalled for. He wasn't going to attack you.

Sailor Mercury:
Wait a minute. You already used up that Red mana point from the mountain on that one Fireball spell you cast. How
did you cast that second Fireball? I never saw you draw a card.

Tim:
[Smugly] I had one point of Red mana in my mana pool and I had an extra Fireball spell in my hand. [Reveals a hand
of cards in his left hand] See?

Sailor Senshi except for Mercury:
[Staring at her] You had to ask.

Sailor Mercury:
[Sweatdrops] ...sorry.

King Arthur:
[Still slightly spooked by the fireball] Right. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but... uh, I don't
suppose you could... uh, tell us where we might find a, um... find a, uh... a, um... a, uh....

Tim:
[Deliberately] A what?

King Arthur:
[Stuttering] A g- a-a g- a g- a-a g--

Sailor Senshi:
[Frustrated] SPIT IT OUT!!!

Tim:
A grail?!?

King Arthur:
[Nodding] Yes. I think so.

Sailor Uranus:
[Exasperated] Oh. You think so. Well, that's just so very convincing. You sound like you're about to piss on
yourself. Kami-sama, just ask the man for his help and be done with it!!!

Knights:
[Nodding] Yes, that's right. Yup. Uh-huh.

Tim:
Yes!

King Arthur:
[Sighs in relief] Oh. Thank you.

Sir Robin:
[Blinks and sighs in relief] Oh. Splendid

Sir Galahad:
[Also blinks and sighs in relief] Oh. Fine.

{Tim raises his left hand and places four more cards on the table, then casts four more fireballs in rapid succession,
startling everyone present.}

Sailor Knight:
[Scowling] Don't do that again.

King Arthur:
[Nervously] Look, um, you're a busy man, uh....

Tim:
[Turning back to King Arthur] Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.

Knights:
[Relieved] Oh, thank you.

Tim:
To the north there lies a cave - The Cave of Caerbannog - wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock,
the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Eagerly] All right! Now we're getting somewhere.

King Arthur:
Where can we find this cave, O Tim?

Tim:
Follow.

{Tim turns to leave. The Knights and the Sailor Senshi promptly follow.}

Sailor Pluto:
[To the other Senshi] Our search - and this story - is almost complete. Soon, we will have the Holy Grail once
again.

Tim:
[Stopping and whirling back to face the others] But! Follow only if ye be men... [Glances at the Sailor Senshi]
...and women of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man... or woman, yet
has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights and foriegn travelers, if
you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

{To accentuate his point, Tim curled his two index fingers into hooks and put them in front of his open mouth, pretending
that his fingers are long, pointy fangs. He then squinted so as to try to look more menacing. However, he failed to make the
impression that he was looking for. Instead, he only managed to look rather silly.}

King Arthur:
[Aside to the other knights] What an eccentric performance.

Sailor Senshi:
[BIG sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] Oh, great. Another looney.

Sailor Moon:
[Looks bored] Can we go now?

Tim:
[Affronted] I am not a looney. [Drops his hands] Follow. [Grabs his staff and turns away]

Sailor Saturn:
[Points] What about the table?

Tim:
[Without turning back] Leave it. Now, follow.

{The Knights and Sailor Senshi follow except for Sailor Mercury, who was currently looking through Tim's Magic deck, and
Sailor Knight, who was staying behind with Mercury.}

Sailor Knight:
[Urging] Come on, Ami-chan. Everyone else is leaving. Leave the cards and let's go.

Sailor Mercury:
[Reluctantly] But I just want to take a look at his deck, that's all.

Sailor Knight:
[Grabs Mercury by the arm] Then, take it with you and look at it along the way. [Tries to drag her with him]

Sailor Mercury:
[Resisting] Ryo-chan! I can't take his deck! That's stealing!

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs, then picks her up] It's not stealing if you give it back to him. It's borrowing. Just without his
permission. Now, like it or not, we're going.

Sailor Mercury:
[While being carried] Ryo-chan! Put me down! I can walk just fine.

Sailor Knight:
[Smirks] Nope. We're too far behind. We've got to catch up and this is the fastest way.

{Sailor Knight starts to run, forcing Sailor Mercury to hold on tightly.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Protesting] Ryo-chan!!! Put me down!!!


-------------------------------------------------


Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 12: Sharp, Pointy Teeth

Questions? Comments? Do you think you can cut down a tree with a herring?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil