Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh!!! ( Chapter 13 )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: jasonulloa 
Bridges of Death, five (three) questions, the police, and the Holy Grail finally make their presence known in this chapter.
Rejoice, for the end is ni! ...I mean, nigh!
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 11.09.2003 | Pages: 18 | Words: 7.6K | Visits: 186 | Status: Completed
Bridges of Death, five (three) questions, the police, and the Holy Grail finally make their presence known in this chapter.
Rejoice, for the end is ni! ...I mean, nigh!
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 11.09.2003 | Pages: 18 | Words: 7.6K | Visits: 186 | Status: Completed
A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.
-------------------------------------------------
Chapter 13: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh!!!
{After much running from the Cave of Caerbannog, the Knights and Senshi finally set forth to search for the Castle of
Aaaaarrrgh. With no clue as to its location, however, the motley group decided to start their search by following the advice
given to them by the Very Ugly Old Man in Chapter 8... er, I mean, Scene Twenty-four... or whatever. At any rate, the group
made their way toward the Bridge of Death, which was located in a high, mountainous area surrounded by jagged rock and
decaying plantlife. A bottomless gorge separated the side that they were on from their destination as the party trudged up
the mountain path leading to the Bridge of Death. From within the gorge below, plumes of grayish-white smoke rose up,
mingling with the gurgling, noxious vapors wafting up from whatever quagmire lay at the bottom of the pit.}
Sir Robin:
[Weakly] Um, I'm not sure I like the sound of that....
Sailor Neptune:
I see that the narrator has been exercising her use of the descriptive.
Sir Robin:
[Grimacing] Fine time for it.
Sir Galahad:
[Stops and points] There it is!
King Arthur:
The Bridge of Death!
Sir Robin:
[Faintly] Oh, great.
Sailor Uranus:
About damn time.
King Arthur:
[Points] Look! There's the old man from Scene Twenty-four!
{The group slowly started to advance toward the bridge.}
Sir Bedevere:
What's he doing here?
Sailor Pluto:
Filling in a bit part.
Sailor Moon:
Well, he'd better have my spam. I never got to finish.
Sailor Pluto:
[Grimaces] Must we talk about spam, Usagi?
Sailor Moon:
[Sheepishly] Oh. Sorry Setsuna-san.
King Arthur:
[Trying not to roll his eyes] That man is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Sarcastically] How convienient.
King Arthur:
[Ignoring her] He asks each traveller five questions-
Sir Galahad:
Three questions.
King Arthur:
Three questions. He who.... [Pauses as he notices all of the female Senshi staring at him] All right. He or she who
answers the five questions-
Sir Galahad:
Three questions.
King Arthur:
Three questions may cross in safety.
Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] Methinks the crowned one cannot discern thirds from fifths.
Sailor Moon/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:
[Blinking] Eh?
Sailor Mercury:
He can't tell threes from fives.
Sailor Moon/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:
[Nodding] Oh. Then why didn't he say so?
Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] Never mind....
Sir Robin:
What if you get a question wrong?
King Arthur:
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Sir Robin:
Oh, I won't go.
Sailor Venus:
Eternal Peril?!? You mean, that smelly pit down there?
King Arthur:
The same.
Sailor Mars:
I've been meaning to ask, how do you know so much about this place if you've never been here before and no one has
told you about it?
King Arthur:
[Hesitates] Um.... Well, um, a little bird told me.
Sailor Mars:
[Frowns] A little bird? Do you honestly expect us to believe that a little bird told you all about the Bridge of
Death?
King Arthur:
[Points] Look.
{Sailor Mars glances behind her and facefaults as she spots a small bird fluttering behind her holding a cue card in its
talons.}
Sailor Venus:
[As Mars recovers] Well, you did ask, Rei-chan.
Sailor Mars:
[Standing up] Oh, shut up.
Sir Galahad:
Who's going to answer the questions?
Sailor Mercury:
Well, I-
King Arthur:
Sir Robin!
Sir Robin:
Yes?
Sailor Mercury:
[Sighs] Never mind.
King Arthur:
Brave Sir Robin, you go.
Sir Uranus:
[Snorts] Brave, he says. A guy who soils his armor. Twice.
Sir Robin:
[Scowls] Oh, shut up, you. [To King Arthur] Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Shaking their heads] No!
Sir Launcelot:
[Ignoring them] Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east
that s-
King Arthur:
No, no. Hang on! Hang on!
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
Told you.
King Arthur:
[Glares at them, then turns to Launcelot] Just answer the five questions-
Sir Galahad/Sailor Senshi:
Three questions.
King Arthur:
[Glaring at the Senshi] THREE questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
Sailor Knight:
Gift for the understatement.
Sir Launcelot:
[Slightly disappointed] I understand, my liege.
{Sir Launcelot stepped past the group of Knights and Senshi and proceeded toward the Bridge of Death while the others
waited and watched.}
King Arthur:
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
Sailor Knight:
Because we sure as hell won't.
Sailor Uranus:
[Laughing] Good one, Ryo-kun!
{As soon as Sir Launcelot approached the bridge, the old man - whom we'll now call the Bridgekeeper, since he's obviously
guarding the bridge - raised a hand to stop him.}
Bridgekeeper:
[With his hand raised toward Sir Launcelot] Stop! [Launcelot stops] Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer
me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Launcelot:
[Firmly] Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper:
[Ominous tone] You will be.
Sir Launcelot:
[Blinks] What?
Bridgekeeper:
[Also blinks] Oops. Sorry. Wrong movie.
{Everyone but the Bridgekeeper facefaulted.}
King Arthur:
[Shouting] Get on with it!
Sailor Senshi:
[Also shouting] Yeah, get on with it!
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?
Sir Launcelot:
My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sir Launcelot:
To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your favorite color?
Sir Launcelot:
Blue.
Bridgekeeper:
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Senshi:
[Mass facefault] ....
Sir Robin:
[Excitedly] That's easy!
Sailor Saturn:
[To Pluto as the knights rush forward] What just happened, Setsuna-mama?
Sailor Pluto:
[Staring] You've got to be kidding me....
Sailor Neptune:
[To Uranus] Setsuna's got that poleaxed look. You know what that means.
Sailor Uranus:
[Nodding] It's the end of the world as we know it.
Sailor Pluto:
[Grumbling] Oh, shut up, you two.
Sailor Moon:
[Rushing forward] I wanna answer some questions, too!
Sailor Mercury:
[Also rushing forward] Me, too!
Sailor Neptune:
[To Uranus] Usagi-chan's just as eager to answer questions as Ami-chan?
Sailor Uranus:
[Nodding] See? It is the end of the world.
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he
see.
Sir Robin:
[Grinning] Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Sailor Jupiter:
Any more.
Sir Robin:
[Crossly] Who asked you?
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?
Sir Robin:
[Still grinning] 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sir Robin:
[Grinning still] To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin:
[Stops grinning] I don't know that!
{As soon as he said that, Robin was catapulted into the air, toward the Gorge of Eternal Peril.}
Sir Robin:
[Flying through the air] Auuuuuuuugh!
Sailor Venus:
[Eyes wide] Woah! He wasn't kidding about that being cast into the Gorge thing.
Sailor Mercury:
[Stepping forward] Let me try. [Approaches the bridge]
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side she
see.
Sailor Mercury:
[Nodding] Very well, then. Please proceed.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?
Sailor Mercury:
[Hesitates] I assume you mean my real name?
Bridgekeeper:
[Thinks] Well... sure, why not?
Sailor Mercury:
My name is Mizuno Ami. [Pauses] ....of Tokyo, Japan.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sailor Mercury:
I seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Sailor Mercury:
[Sweatdrops] What? [Fidgets] Um, well.... Forty-two.
Sailor Mars:
[Jaw drops] Ami-chan actually got it wrong?
Sailor Moon:
[Astonished] Oh, no! Ami-chan's gonna be flung into that deep, smelly pit! [Crying] Waaaah!
Bridgekeeper:
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Mercury:
[Slightly embarrassed] Thank you. [Crosses the bridge]
Knights/Sailor Senshi except for Sailor Knight:
[Staring] ...huh?
Sailor Knight:
[Raising an eyebrow] What, I take it you've never read Douglas Adams? [Shrugs] Okay, so who's next?
Sailor Moon:
[Shaking her head] Um... I think I'll pass for now.
Sir Galahad:
[Stepping forward] I'll go.
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
Sir Galahad:
'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sir Galahad:
I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your favorite color?
Sir Galahad:
Blue. [Pauses] No, yel- [Suddenly catapulted into the air] Auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper:
[Laughing] Hee hee heh.
Sailor Knight:
[Shakes his head] Idiot. [Sighs] Fine, then I'll go. [Approaches the bridge]
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
Sailor Knight:
Kino Ryoku, of Tokyo, Japan.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sailor Knight:
To find the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the sound of one hand clapping?
Sailor Knight:
[Blinks and frowns] You're joking.
Bridgekeeper:
[Shakes his head] Afraid not.
Sailor Knight:
[Sighs in exasperation] Fine. This is the sound of one hand clapping.
{Sailor Knight steps forward, grabs the bridgekeeper by his shirt, lifts him into the air and proceeds to slap him across
the face repeatedly. Once he's satisfied, he drops the old man to the ground.}
Sailor Knight:
[Scowling] That about right?
Bridgekeeper:
[Rubs his face while frowning] Absolutely n- [Stops as Knight draws Ginzuishouken and points the sword's tip
right at his throat] -uh, right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Knight:
[Withdraws Ginzuishouken] Thank you. [Crosses the bridge]
Knights/Sailor Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....
Sailor Saturn:
[Steps forward] Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, Setsuna-mama, I'm going to go next.
Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] Good luck to you.
Sailor Uranus:
[Looks to Pluto, then nods] Yeah, same here.
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
Sailor Saturn:
[Nervously] Tomoe Hotaru, of Tokyo, Japan.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sailor Saturn:
[With a little more confidence] To find the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... do you do with witches?
Sailor Saturn:
[Twitches] What?!?
Bridgekeeper:
I said....
Sailor Saturn:
[Angrily] I heard what you said! Are you making fun of me?!? Just because I have the power to heal people just by
touching them, doesn't mean that I'm a witch!!! I don't want to be burned!!! [Draws her Silence Glaive] Do you hear me? I
DON'T WANNA BE BURNED!!!!!
Bridgekeeper:
[Sweatdrops] Ehh... right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Saturn:
[Blinks] Huh? Oh! [Smiles] Thank you, sir. [Crosses the bridge]
Sailor Mars:
I never thought I'd live to see the day when little Hotaru-chan would snap like that.
Sailor Venus:
[Nods] Yeah. What's the world coming to?
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:
[Staring dumbstruck] ....
Sailor Pluto:
[Dryly] Close your mouths, you two. Unless you want to catch flies.
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:
[Glaring at Pluto] ....
King Arthur:
[Stepping forward] Enough of this. I'm going next.
Sailor Uranus:
[Shrugs] Be my guest. We'll all have to go eventually, anyway.
{King Arthur proceeds toward the Bridge of Death with Sir Bedevere following behind him.}
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
King Arthur:
[Arrogantly] It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
King Arthur:
[Pompously] To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur:
[Blinks] What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper:
[Frowns in perplexity] Huh? I don't know that. [Gets catapulted into the air] Auuuuuuuugh!
Sailor Jupiter:
[Sweatdrops] They can do that?
Sailor Mars:
[Also sweatdrops] I guess so.
Sailor Neptune:
[Shrugs] I guess since there's no more bridgekeeper, the Bridge of Death is now toll-free.
Sailor Uranus:
[Nods] Works for me.
Sailor Moon:
[Impatiently] Good. Can we go now?
{One after another, the group proceeded across the bridge with King Arthur in the lead and Sir Bedevere close behind him.}
Sir Bedevere:
[Curiously] How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur:
[Off-handedly] Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
{Once the group crossed the Bridge of Death, they could see no sign
________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
---- INTERMISSION - THE SCREEN SAVER ----
________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
Jason:
[Rapidly hitting keys and moving his mouse] Dammit, go away! Stupid screen saver! [Yelling over his shoulder] And
who changed my screen saver, anyway? My screen saver's supposed to be nothing but anime pics. [Pointing irritably] And no
cheesy calliope music!
{As the camera pans to the right, a man slowly wheels his calliope off the screen, but not before blowing a raspberry at the
author, who promptly responds with a finger.}
Jason:
[To the reader] No, not THAT finger. THIS finger. [Points toward the door] And take your monkey with you!
Monkey:
Eeeeeeeeaaaaaah! [Throws a peeled banana at him]
Jason:
[Irritably while wiping banana mush off his face] I hate intermissions....
{As the author stomps away, he fails to notice the discarded banana peel left by the enraged primate. One clichéd pratfall
later, the author gets up, gingerly rubs his head while muttering about unnecessary slapstick humor, and attempts to depart
with the remaining shreds of his dignity. Not that there was very much left.}
Jason:
[Very irritably] I really hate intermissions....
-------------------------------------------------
{Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by that meaningless intermission, once the group crossed the Bridge of Death,
they could see no sign of either Sir Launcelot, Sailor Mercury, or Sailor Knight anywhere.}
Sailor Moon:
[Glancing around] Where'd they go?
Sailor Venus:
[Also looking around] I thought they would've at least waited for us.
King Arthur:
[Yelling] Launcelot! Launcelot! [Searching] Launcelot!
Sir Bedevere:
[Yelling] Launcelot! Launcelot!
Sailor Jupiter:
[Shouting] Ryo-chan!
Sailor Mars:
[Shouting] Ami-chan!
Sailor Uranus:
[Shouting] Ryo-kun! Ami-chan!
King Arthur:
[Yelling] Launcelot!
-------------------------------------------------
{The scene cuts to reveal Sir Launcelot leaning against a British police car, legs and arms spread, as a police officer
frisks him. The police inspector has already confiscated Launcelot's sword. Meanwhile, the second officer is running back
to the first two in order to report that the other two strangely dressed suspects that he had been chasing had managed to
evade him. The mysterious thing was that they had vanished into a fog that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.}
-------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, the group continued the search for their missing companions.}
King Arthur:
Launcelot!
Sir Bedevere:
Launcelot!
Sailor Neptune:
Ami-chan!
Sailor Saturn:
Ryo-oniichan!
Sailor Pluto:
Ami-chan!
Sailor Venus:
Ryo-kun!
{Suddenly, the entire group came to a halt as they neared the crest of the nearby hill. A strange mist seemed to rise up
from the other side, calling their attention. Curious - an thinking that the others would surely catch up with them - the
group pushed forward toward the top of the hill. From there, they could see a shining lake stretching out at the foot of the
hill. And also in the distance-}
Sailor Jupiter:
[Pointing] Look! It's Ryo-chan and Ami-chan!
Sailor Venus:
[Shouting and waving] Hey! Ami-chan! Ryo-kun!
{From the edge of the lake, the two figures turned and waved, beckoning them excitedly.}
King Arthur:
[Frowning] Wait. Where's Launcelot?
Sir Bedevere:
Didn't he cross the bridge with them?
Sailor Pluto:
[Moving forward] Why don't we go and ask them?
{At Pluto's lead, the group all started for the lake where the two Sailor Senshi waited. As the group approached the lake,
Sailor Mercury turned and smiled as a HUGE viking-type ship with a dragon's head carved in the bow floated toward them. The
group stared with their jaws all hanging, flabbergasted at seeing such a huge ship appear from out of nowhere.}
Sailor Knight:
[Gestures] Our ride is here.
{Without a word, the group climbed aboard, one by one, and waited as the huge ship turned itself around and sailed for the
small island in the middle of the lake. At the center of the tiny island, a modest-sized castle stood proudly surrounded by
the calm waters of the lake. The group stood solemnly as the boat drew closer to its destination.}
King Arthur:
[Reverently] The Castle Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end.
{As the boat touched ground with the island and everyone began to disembark, no one could find it in their hearts to make a
snide remark or sarcastic retort. They were glad that the nightmare was almost over.}
King Arthur:
[Awestruck] God be praised.
Sailor Knight:
[Nods] Thank Kami-sama.
{King Arthur drew his sword and grounded the tip as he knelt and bowed his head. Beside him, Sir Bedevere did the same as
both began to pray. The Sailor Senshi exchanged looks and decided to at least bow their heads as a show of respect, even if
their religion was slightly cracked, as Sailor Mars put it.}
Sailor Mars:
[Making hushing gestures and whispering fiercely] Not so loud! You'll interrupt!
Sailor Uranus:
[Through clenched teeth] We want to get this done as quickly as possible. Shut up!
{Sorry.}
King Arthur:
[Praying] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast brought safe to us the most holy- [Twong]
Sailor Moon:
[Blinking] Twong?
Sailor Mercury:
[Pointing upward] Look out!
King Arthur:
[Surprised] Christ! [Ducks along with Bedevere]
{The Sailor Senshi scatter as a sheep suddenly smashes down on King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, knocking them to the ground.
The sheep then stands up, tosses its head indignantly, and stomps off in a huff as the two knights moan slightly in pain.}
Sheep:
[Irritably] Baa BAAAAA BAA baaaa baaa BAAA baaa ba baaaaaa! Baaa baaaaa ba baaa.
Subtitle:
I am DEFINITELY NOT getting paid enough for THIS line of work! I'm calling my agent.
French guard:
[Poking his head over the castle wall] Allo, dappy English and Japanese kniggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has
the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
Sailor Uranus:
[Seething] What the HELL are YOU doing here?!?
Sailor Pluto:
[Putting her head in her hands] Oh, no.... Not again....
King Arthur:
[Angrily] How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot,
to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
Sailor Moon:
[Also yelling while posing] Or else, on behalf of the Moon, we'll punish you!
Everyone:
[While staring at Sailor Moon while blinking] ....
Sailor Moon:
[Sweatdrops] What? It sounded like the right thing to say at the time....
French guard:
How you English and Japanese say, 'I one more time, I unclog my nose in your direction', sons and daughters of a
window-dresser! [King Arthur and Sir Bedevere start to rush the castle] So, you think you could out-clever us French folk
with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior? [The Knights run up the stairs to the main door] I wave my
private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters!
King Arthur:
[While banging on the door with his sword hilt] In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
French guard:
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing,
you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Sailor Uranus:
[Folding her arms] Here it comes. I swear, that idiot will never learn.
Sailor Pluto:
[Starting for the boat] This will not go well. We'd better prepare the boat for departure.
Sailor Mars:
[Surprised] Why? The Holy Grail's in that castle! All we have to do is get inside!
Sailor Pluto:
[Giving Mars a level look] You'll see.
{As Sailor Pluto headed for the ship, the other Senshi, slowly and reluctantly, began to follow suit.}
King Arthur:
[Arrogantly] If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
{The French guards replied by dropping a bucketful of some foul-smelling, dark brown liquid. The small chunks of soft, brown
matter that splattered disgustingly on the ground at their feet indicated that the liquid was something they really didn't
want to positively identify anyway. This did not raise King Arthur's spirits in the slightest.}
King Arthur:
[Pissed off] In the name of God and the glory of our-
{The king cut off as he and Sir Bedevere both received yet another brown shower. Above, the French guards began to laugh
their little French asses off.}
King Arthur:
[REALLY pissed off] Right! That settles it!!!
{The scornful laughter continued as the two knights turned and stomped down the stairs toward where the Sailor Senshi waited
for them aboard the boat.}
French guard:
Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we'll fire arrows at the tops of your heads and
make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
King Arthur:
[While he and Bedevere strain to maintain their dignity] Walk away. Just ignore them.
French guard:
[While the other guards continue to taunt] And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think
you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English kniggets! And the same goes for those
Japanese kniggets, too! Ha ha ha haaa!
{Once the two knights boarded, the ship set sail for the shore of the lake from which they started. Partway to the shore,
the Senshi started wrinkling their noses at some offensive odor that suddenly wafted toward them as the wind direction
changed.}
Sailor Jupiter:
[Covering her nose] Ugh! What's that smell!
Sailor Venus:
[Shaking her head] It wasn't me! Honest! I swear I didn't fart!
Sailor Mars:
[To Venus] Who said anything about farting, Minako-chan?
Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] Uh, never mind. Reflex.
Sailor Mars:
[Pointing] Aha! So you admit you DO fart!
Sailor Venus:
[Eyes widen] Ack! I did no such thing! [Pointedly] A lady does not fart.
Sailor Neptune:
[Whispering to Uranus] You say anything, and you die.
Sailor Uranus:
[Raising an eyebrow while smirking] Whatever you say.
Sailor Moon:
[Pointing while also covering her nose] It's coming from the back of the boat!
Sailor Saturn:
[Curiously] Um, what's that stuff on their armor?
King Arthur:
[Sheepishly] Well, um....
Sailor Knight:
[Sniffing] It.... [Jerks back] Ugh! That stuff smells like shi-
Sailor Pluto:
I've had it. [Turns and shoves the two knights overboard with her staff] Go wash yourselves off.
Sailor Mercury:
[Removing her hand from her nose] Was that really necessary, Setsuna-san?
Sailor Pluto:
[Indignantly while lowering her staff] Well, I certainly was NOT going to touch them smelling like THAT.
{The ship soon reached the shore and the Sailor Senshi all disembarked, then waited for the two knights to trudge their way
back to shore. Fortunately, the stench of the foul effluvium that had coated the two knight was washed off by the lake's
waters.}
Sailor Knight:
[Nodding] Much better. You don't stink anymore.
{King Arthur merely glared at Sailor Knight, then at Sailor Pluto, then at the other Sailor Senshi for good measure.
Finally, he whirled around to face the castle once again.}
King Arthur:
[Fiercely] We shall attack at once!
Sir Bedevere:
Yes, my liege!
{Sir Bedevere attempted to draw his sword, but found that it was stuck in the scabbard due to a long period of not using it.
As he struggled to remove his sword from its sheath, King Arthur spun around to face in the opposite direction of the
castle, toward the Senshi.}
King Arthur:
[In a commanding voice] Stand by for attack!
Sailor Uranus:
[Exchanging glances with Knight] He'd better not mean us.
Sailor Knight:
[Shaking his head] Of course not. He should know by now that he do not attack people. Just youma.
Sailor Moon:
[Puzzled] Okay, so if he's not talking to us, then who....
{Sailor Moon trailed off as an entire army suddenly began to hop toward them from the other side of the hill. Hundreds of
armed and armored people marched or hopped toward them, carrying swords and shields and spears and other weapons. King
Arthur stood, calm in his anger, while Sir Bedevere stared in surprise at the army that had materialized so suddenly. As
the army drew closer, the support section of the army began to crest the hill and settle in behind them. Ballistas,
trebuchets, rams, and other such siege weaponry were built. Fires were lit and stoked as last minute repairs and smithing
were accomplished. Fletchers made arrows and bows. Spear tips were sanded to deadly, piercing tips. Helmets and shields
were donned. Within minutes, the army was lined and assembled, and a still quiet made its presence felt.}
Sailor Uranus:
[Stunned] Woah.
Sailor Senshi:
[Nodding while also stunned] ....
Sailor Knight:
[Bewildered] Where the hell did they come from anyway?
King Arthur:
[Turns back toward the castle and draws his sword] French persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be
avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those
whom God has chosen!
Sailor Moon:
[Points to herself] Us!
Sailor Senshi except Sailor Moon:
Shhh!
King Arthur:
[Gestures toward the castle] Charge!
Knight Army:
[While charging forward] Hooray!
{With a mighty cry of "Hooray!", the two knights, the knight army - who had conveniently appeared at such short notice - and
the Sailor Senshi all charged toward the castle, although the Senshi were merely running because they didn't want to get
trampled beneath the army of extras... err, knights. As the army neared the shore of the lake, the loud claxon of police
sirens cut through the army's battle cries, bringing the mob to a staggering halt. Once the police car and the accompanying
police van came to a stop, the police inspector, followed by the two police officers and the late previous narrator's wife,
climbed out of the police car. As the she hurried around the car, she pointed toward King Arthur and Sir Bedevere.}
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[Pointing] Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
Sailor Uranus:
[Frowning] Wait. What is this all about?
Police Inspector:
[Authoritatively while ignoring Uranus] Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
Police Officer #1:
[Bringing out a megaphone and herding the army back] All right. Come on. Back.
Sailor Uranus:
[Angrily] Hey!
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[Pointing at King Arthur] Get that one.
Police Officer #1:
[Still herding the crowd back] Back. Right away.
Sailor Mars:
[Backing away from the crowd] Hey, what are you guys doing?
Sailor Knight:
[Also backing away] It looks like they're after our hopping idiots.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Backing away along with the other Senshi] I say we get outta here.
Sailor Neptune:
Maybe we can try for the Holy Grail while they're busy?
Sailor Moon:
[Nodding] Anything to get outta here!
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[As the second police officer points at King Arthur] Yes.
Police Inspector:
[Shoving King Arthur toward the police van] Put this man in the van.
Police Officer #1:
[Grabbing Sir Bedevere] Come on.
Police Inspector:
[Pointing toward the police van] Come on. Put him in the van.
Police Officer #2:
[Herding back the crowd] Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! [Pulling off a knight's shield] Pull that off. My,
that's an offensive weapon, that is.
Police Inspector:
[To the wife] Everything?
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[Shaking her head] No, there were those young girls wearing weird-looking sailor uniforms with short mini-skirts and
that one young man with them. They were accompanying those men, too.
{Near the ship, all the Sailor Senshi stiffened at once.}
Sailor Mercury:
[Nervous sweating] Oh, crap.
Sailor Neptune:
[Nodding] Crap, indeed.
{The Senshi were about to flee into the ship when suddenly it sprung twenty-seven leaks simultaneously and sank to the lake
bottom in half a second. The Senshi stood staring at the spot were the boat stood, dumbstruck. Especially considering that
the water level where the ship previously was only came up to Saturn's knees. The thought shared by all the Sailor Senshi
was unanimous.}
Sailor Senshi:
[Shaking a fist at the heavens] Damn you, Jason-san!!!
Police Inspector:
[Approaching the Senshi] All right, you. Come on. [Gesturing toward the group] Put this lot in the van, too.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Protesting] But we didn't do anything!
Sailor Neptune:
[Backing away] Besides, you have no reason to arrest us without proper cause.
Police Inspector:
[Smirking] Then, may I see your passports?
{There was mass blinking among the Senshi as they remembered that their sailor fukus had no pockets.}
Police Inspector:
[Nods] Right. Illegal entry into the country it is. You're all coming with us. Afterwards, you'll be deported ba-
Voice:
Cut!
{The scene suddenly freezes as the author suddenly appears in between the police officers and the Sailor Senshi. Only the
author and the Sailor Senshi are able to move.}
Jason:
[Shaking his head] No passports? Don't you know that you should always take your passports with you whenever you
interdimensionally travel?
Sailor Senshi:
[Mass sweatdrops] ....
Jason:
[Sighs] Well, this is another fine mess you've all gotten into. At any rate, I can fix this for you, if you want.
Sailor Mars:
[Hands on her hips] Fix what?
Jason:
[Gestures toward the police, the van, and the crowd of knights] That. I can make them all go bye-bye, along with
the French guards.
Sailor Knight:
[Skeptically as he folds his arms] Uh-huh. And I suppose you want something in return.
Jason:
[Shrugs imperturbably] What? Can't a guy expect recompense for his services?
Sailor Uranus:
[Indignantly] Services? You call everything you've done to us SERVICES?!?
Sailor Saturn:
[Angrily] I was almost burned as a which!
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Also angrily] We've had to deal with a gung-ho idiot of a knight for months!
Sailor Neptune:
[Also also angrily] You allowed Haruka an opportunity to flirt shamelessly as well as let her corrupt Ryo-kun!
Sailor Uranus:
[Indignantly] Hey!
Sailor Mercury:
[Nodding] Not only that, but that insane, idiotic, illogical garbage that you call medieval lore caused my brain to
short circuit numerous times!
Jason:
According to medieval medical lore, if you hang someone upside-down from the highest branch of a tall tree, then you
can cure them of their hiccups.
Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....
Jason:
[Grins] I just love doing that to her. She looks so cute twitching like that.
Sailor Knight:
[Also also angrily, too] You've dropped an untold number of rocks on me! [Pauses] Excuse me for a moment.
Jason:
[Nods] Be my guest.
{Sailor Knight kisses Mercury, snapping her out of her twitching fit. On an impulse, the author quickly whipped out his
laptop and started typing away. Soon, Sailor Mercury was kissing back with a surprising passion. Knight's eyes flung open as
he was swept off his feet into the traditional passionate kiss pose, but with the roles reversed. Knight's arms windmilled
as he struggled to regain his balance and lean back up, but Mercury was too determined... and, to be quite honest, he was
beginning to enjoy himself quite a bit.}
Sailor Senshi except for Mercury/Knight:
[Staring] ....
Jason:
[Mischievous grinning] Any other gripes or complaints?
Sailor Moon:
[Raises her hand] I still didn't get to finish my spam.
Sailor Pluto:
[Disgustedly] I was subjected to spam.
Sailor Mars:
[Looking at the both of them] I had to deal with them dealing with spam. Not only that, but I still think that those
head-banging monks are idiots. What kind of religion is that, anyway?
Jason:
[Seriously] You're better off not knowing.
Sailor Mars:
[Nodding] That explains a lot.
Jason:
Well then - death threats notwithstanding - I guess I put you through enough. [Brings out the laptop again] I'll
be nice and make things easy for you. After all, we're near the end of this story anyway.
Sailor Senshi:
[Wearily cheering] Yay.
Jason:
[Dryly] Please. Don't strain yourselves rejoicing. [Starts typing]
Laptop display:
Run cmd
C:\Documents and Settings\Jason>cd \fan*\gr*\ex*
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del police.exe
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del knghtarm.exe
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del frnchgrd.exe
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del policevn.exe
{With the execution of each command, the respective frozen element suddenly vanished from sight.}
Laptop display:
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>start grail
Running grail.exe....
Jason:
[Grins back at the Senshi] Anyone want to do the honors? [Turns his laptop toward the Senshi] Just follow the
prompts and the holy grail will be yours. It's very easy.
Sailor Mercury:
I think Usagi-chan should do it.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] The grail belongs to Usagi-chan. It's only right.
Sailor Mars:
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... Remember when you tried to teach Usagi how to use a computer?
Sailor Moon:
[Defensively] How was I supposed to know that the monitor would blow up like that? No one got hurt; that's the
important thing.
Jason:
[Rolling his eyes] Don't worry about that. I've installed safeguards. Nothing will blow up.
Sailor Moon:
[Stepping toward the laptop] All right, then. Here I go.
Laptop display:
Do you enjoy torturing small animals? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] What the heck is this?
Jason:
Just choose one. The program will generate the type of grail you need based upon your answers. [Shrugs] Hey, I
didn't write it. I just downloaded it off the Net.
Sailor Moon:
[Sighs] Oh, fine then. [Hits the N key]
Laptop display:
No
Are you afraid of snakes? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Shudders] .... [Hits the Y key]
Laptop display:
Yes
Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] Nazis? What kind of crazy program is this anyway?
Laptop display:
Don't get mad at me. I'm just doing my job. Now answer the damn question already.
Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Blinks and sweatdrops] Um... okay. [Hits the N key]
Sailor Mercury:
That's quite a temperamental program you have, Jason-san.
Jason:
That's nothing compared to Windows ME.
Laptop display:
No
Final question: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Answer: ___________________________________________
Sailor Moon:
[Pointing] What the heck is THAT?!?
Sailor Saturn:
[Twitches] ....
Jason:
[Smiles] Oh, how cute! She twitches just like Ami does!
Sailor Uranus:
[Grabbing the author by the shirt] Quit acting like an idiot and start making yourself useful!
Jason:
[Firmly, but politely removing Uranus' hand from his shirt] I take it none of you have seen the movie?
Sailor Venus:
What movie?
Sailor Pluto:
[Nodding] I understand. [To Sailor Moon] Just enter your name, Usagi-chan.
Sailor Moon:
[Blinking in confusion] Wha...? Well, all right. If you say so, Setsuna-san. [Starts typing]
Laptop display:
Tsukino Usagi
ID match: Sailor Moon
Referencing database..........
Match found. Downloading "Holy Grail"....
0%....10%....20%....30%....40%....50%....60%....70%....80%....90%....100 %
[.....................................................................]< br />
Download complete.
{As soon as the message flashed on the laptop screen, the Holy Grail shimmered into being above the author's laptop. With
reverent hands, Sailor Moon reached out and clasped the grail in both her hands.}
Sailor Moon:
[Whispering] This is it. I know this feeling. This is definitely the Holy Grail. [Turns to the other Senshi]
Everyone, let's go home.
Sailor Uranus:
About damn time, too.
Jason:
[Nodding as he turns toward the laptop] Right. Then it's time to send you all home. [Starts typing]
Laptop display:
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>start rtrnwarp
{Suddenly, the world around them began to blur as reality began to warp into vertical wavy lines rocking back and forth. All
of the Sailor Senshi began to gather around the laptop as the oscillation began to pick up in speed. The blurs began to
bleed together into a hodgepodge of color, not unlike a tie-dyed shirt or someone's crude idea of abstract art.}
Sailor Saturn:
[Hesitantly] Um... Jason-san?
Jason:
Yes, Hotaru?
Sailor Saturn:
[Puzzled as she points to the laptop display] What's an 'internal error?'
Jason:
[Wide-eyed] ...uh-oh.
Sailor Senshi:
[Aghast] Uh-oh?!? What do you mean, 'uh-oh???'
Jason:
[Trying not to panic] Don't worry. As long as the laptop doesn't.... [Pales] Oh, no.
Sailor Senshi:
[Panicking] Oh, no?!? That's even worse than 'uh-oh!!!' What did you do?!?
Jason:
[Starting to panic] No, wait. It's just locked up. We can still make it back.
Sailor Uranus:
[Quietly to Neptune] I'm sorry for all the flirting I've done, Michiru. I just wanted you to know that.
Sailor Mars:
[Calmly] Usagi, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being so mean to you all this time.
Sailor Mercury:
[Hesitantly] Ryo-chan, I- [Cuts off as she sees Venus kissing Knight passionately] Minako-chan!
Sailor Venus:
[After breaking off the kiss] I just wanted to see what it felt like. [Sadly] Just once, before....
Sailor Pluto:
[Calmly to the author] Isn't there anything you can do?
Jason:
[Glances at Pluto's staff] I could ask you the same question, but your powers don't work like that, do they?
Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head ruefully] Unfortunately, no.
Jason:
[Smiles weakly] We could still make it, you know. Just as long as the laptop doesn't blue scr.... [Trails off as he
stares at his laptop in horror] Oh, shi-
-------------------------------------------------
A General Protection fault occured at 0x0fe1bc. Beginning virtual memory dump.
00ffee 00ac34 12bc04 7f23dc a8be90 0011ba
00aafe 00db21 11ba94 0f1300 a0be02 00eefc
00ccaa 0043f5 02af06 5f26ca e8cd11 0055ef
00ffcc 00fe48 70bc55 1fe3af a0cd50 0044da
00bbff 008ce7 a1af04 7f45cc e0be00 00aacd
00ddcf 00ad02 53ce10 ef293a a8b9a0 0011ff
Virtual memory dump complete.
-------------------------------------------------
Coming soon to a website near you....
A Grail?!? - Epilogue and Omake!
Questions? Comments? WTF?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.
-------------------------------------------------
Chapter 13: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh!!!
{After much running from the Cave of Caerbannog, the Knights and Senshi finally set forth to search for the Castle of
Aaaaarrrgh. With no clue as to its location, however, the motley group decided to start their search by following the advice
given to them by the Very Ugly Old Man in Chapter 8... er, I mean, Scene Twenty-four... or whatever. At any rate, the group
made their way toward the Bridge of Death, which was located in a high, mountainous area surrounded by jagged rock and
decaying plantlife. A bottomless gorge separated the side that they were on from their destination as the party trudged up
the mountain path leading to the Bridge of Death. From within the gorge below, plumes of grayish-white smoke rose up,
mingling with the gurgling, noxious vapors wafting up from whatever quagmire lay at the bottom of the pit.}
Sir Robin:
[Weakly] Um, I'm not sure I like the sound of that....
Sailor Neptune:
I see that the narrator has been exercising her use of the descriptive.
Sir Robin:
[Grimacing] Fine time for it.
Sir Galahad:
[Stops and points] There it is!
King Arthur:
The Bridge of Death!
Sir Robin:
[Faintly] Oh, great.
Sailor Uranus:
About damn time.
King Arthur:
[Points] Look! There's the old man from Scene Twenty-four!
{The group slowly started to advance toward the bridge.}
Sir Bedevere:
What's he doing here?
Sailor Pluto:
Filling in a bit part.
Sailor Moon:
Well, he'd better have my spam. I never got to finish.
Sailor Pluto:
[Grimaces] Must we talk about spam, Usagi?
Sailor Moon:
[Sheepishly] Oh. Sorry Setsuna-san.
King Arthur:
[Trying not to roll his eyes] That man is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Sarcastically] How convienient.
King Arthur:
[Ignoring her] He asks each traveller five questions-
Sir Galahad:
Three questions.
King Arthur:
Three questions. He who.... [Pauses as he notices all of the female Senshi staring at him] All right. He or she who
answers the five questions-
Sir Galahad:
Three questions.
King Arthur:
Three questions may cross in safety.
Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] Methinks the crowned one cannot discern thirds from fifths.
Sailor Moon/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:
[Blinking] Eh?
Sailor Mercury:
He can't tell threes from fives.
Sailor Moon/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:
[Nodding] Oh. Then why didn't he say so?
Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] Never mind....
Sir Robin:
What if you get a question wrong?
King Arthur:
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Sir Robin:
Oh, I won't go.
Sailor Venus:
Eternal Peril?!? You mean, that smelly pit down there?
King Arthur:
The same.
Sailor Mars:
I've been meaning to ask, how do you know so much about this place if you've never been here before and no one has
told you about it?
King Arthur:
[Hesitates] Um.... Well, um, a little bird told me.
Sailor Mars:
[Frowns] A little bird? Do you honestly expect us to believe that a little bird told you all about the Bridge of
Death?
King Arthur:
[Points] Look.
{Sailor Mars glances behind her and facefaults as she spots a small bird fluttering behind her holding a cue card in its
talons.}
Sailor Venus:
[As Mars recovers] Well, you did ask, Rei-chan.
Sailor Mars:
[Standing up] Oh, shut up.
Sir Galahad:
Who's going to answer the questions?
Sailor Mercury:
Well, I-
King Arthur:
Sir Robin!
Sir Robin:
Yes?
Sailor Mercury:
[Sighs] Never mind.
King Arthur:
Brave Sir Robin, you go.
Sir Uranus:
[Snorts] Brave, he says. A guy who soils his armor. Twice.
Sir Robin:
[Scowls] Oh, shut up, you. [To King Arthur] Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Shaking their heads] No!
Sir Launcelot:
[Ignoring them] Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east
that s-
King Arthur:
No, no. Hang on! Hang on!
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
Told you.
King Arthur:
[Glares at them, then turns to Launcelot] Just answer the five questions-
Sir Galahad/Sailor Senshi:
Three questions.
King Arthur:
[Glaring at the Senshi] THREE questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
Sailor Knight:
Gift for the understatement.
Sir Launcelot:
[Slightly disappointed] I understand, my liege.
{Sir Launcelot stepped past the group of Knights and Senshi and proceeded toward the Bridge of Death while the others
waited and watched.}
King Arthur:
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
Sailor Knight:
Because we sure as hell won't.
Sailor Uranus:
[Laughing] Good one, Ryo-kun!
{As soon as Sir Launcelot approached the bridge, the old man - whom we'll now call the Bridgekeeper, since he's obviously
guarding the bridge - raised a hand to stop him.}
Bridgekeeper:
[With his hand raised toward Sir Launcelot] Stop! [Launcelot stops] Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer
me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Launcelot:
[Firmly] Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper:
[Ominous tone] You will be.
Sir Launcelot:
[Blinks] What?
Bridgekeeper:
[Also blinks] Oops. Sorry. Wrong movie.
{Everyone but the Bridgekeeper facefaulted.}
King Arthur:
[Shouting] Get on with it!
Sailor Senshi:
[Also shouting] Yeah, get on with it!
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?
Sir Launcelot:
My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sir Launcelot:
To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your favorite color?
Sir Launcelot:
Blue.
Bridgekeeper:
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Senshi:
[Mass facefault] ....
Sir Robin:
[Excitedly] That's easy!
Sailor Saturn:
[To Pluto as the knights rush forward] What just happened, Setsuna-mama?
Sailor Pluto:
[Staring] You've got to be kidding me....
Sailor Neptune:
[To Uranus] Setsuna's got that poleaxed look. You know what that means.
Sailor Uranus:
[Nodding] It's the end of the world as we know it.
Sailor Pluto:
[Grumbling] Oh, shut up, you two.
Sailor Moon:
[Rushing forward] I wanna answer some questions, too!
Sailor Mercury:
[Also rushing forward] Me, too!
Sailor Neptune:
[To Uranus] Usagi-chan's just as eager to answer questions as Ami-chan?
Sailor Uranus:
[Nodding] See? It is the end of the world.
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he
see.
Sir Robin:
[Grinning] Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Sailor Jupiter:
Any more.
Sir Robin:
[Crossly] Who asked you?
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?
Sir Robin:
[Still grinning] 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sir Robin:
[Grinning still] To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin:
[Stops grinning] I don't know that!
{As soon as he said that, Robin was catapulted into the air, toward the Gorge of Eternal Peril.}
Sir Robin:
[Flying through the air] Auuuuuuuugh!
Sailor Venus:
[Eyes wide] Woah! He wasn't kidding about that being cast into the Gorge thing.
Sailor Mercury:
[Stepping forward] Let me try. [Approaches the bridge]
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side she
see.
Sailor Mercury:
[Nodding] Very well, then. Please proceed.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?
Sailor Mercury:
[Hesitates] I assume you mean my real name?
Bridgekeeper:
[Thinks] Well... sure, why not?
Sailor Mercury:
My name is Mizuno Ami. [Pauses] ....of Tokyo, Japan.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sailor Mercury:
I seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Sailor Mercury:
[Sweatdrops] What? [Fidgets] Um, well.... Forty-two.
Sailor Mars:
[Jaw drops] Ami-chan actually got it wrong?
Sailor Moon:
[Astonished] Oh, no! Ami-chan's gonna be flung into that deep, smelly pit! [Crying] Waaaah!
Bridgekeeper:
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Mercury:
[Slightly embarrassed] Thank you. [Crosses the bridge]
Knights/Sailor Senshi except for Sailor Knight:
[Staring] ...huh?
Sailor Knight:
[Raising an eyebrow] What, I take it you've never read Douglas Adams? [Shrugs] Okay, so who's next?
Sailor Moon:
[Shaking her head] Um... I think I'll pass for now.
Sir Galahad:
[Stepping forward] I'll go.
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
Sir Galahad:
'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sir Galahad:
I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your favorite color?
Sir Galahad:
Blue. [Pauses] No, yel- [Suddenly catapulted into the air] Auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper:
[Laughing] Hee hee heh.
Sailor Knight:
[Shakes his head] Idiot. [Sighs] Fine, then I'll go. [Approaches the bridge]
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
Sailor Knight:
Kino Ryoku, of Tokyo, Japan.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sailor Knight:
To find the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the sound of one hand clapping?
Sailor Knight:
[Blinks and frowns] You're joking.
Bridgekeeper:
[Shakes his head] Afraid not.
Sailor Knight:
[Sighs in exasperation] Fine. This is the sound of one hand clapping.
{Sailor Knight steps forward, grabs the bridgekeeper by his shirt, lifts him into the air and proceeds to slap him across
the face repeatedly. Once he's satisfied, he drops the old man to the ground.}
Sailor Knight:
[Scowling] That about right?
Bridgekeeper:
[Rubs his face while frowning] Absolutely n- [Stops as Knight draws Ginzuishouken and points the sword's tip
right at his throat] -uh, right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Knight:
[Withdraws Ginzuishouken] Thank you. [Crosses the bridge]
Knights/Sailor Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....
Sailor Saturn:
[Steps forward] Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, Setsuna-mama, I'm going to go next.
Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] Good luck to you.
Sailor Uranus:
[Looks to Pluto, then nods] Yeah, same here.
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
Sailor Saturn:
[Nervously] Tomoe Hotaru, of Tokyo, Japan.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
Sailor Saturn:
[With a little more confidence] To find the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... do you do with witches?
Sailor Saturn:
[Twitches] What?!?
Bridgekeeper:
I said....
Sailor Saturn:
[Angrily] I heard what you said! Are you making fun of me?!? Just because I have the power to heal people just by
touching them, doesn't mean that I'm a witch!!! I don't want to be burned!!! [Draws her Silence Glaive] Do you hear me? I
DON'T WANNA BE BURNED!!!!!
Bridgekeeper:
[Sweatdrops] Ehh... right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.
Sailor Saturn:
[Blinks] Huh? Oh! [Smiles] Thank you, sir. [Crosses the bridge]
Sailor Mars:
I never thought I'd live to see the day when little Hotaru-chan would snap like that.
Sailor Venus:
[Nods] Yeah. What's the world coming to?
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:
[Staring dumbstruck] ....
Sailor Pluto:
[Dryly] Close your mouths, you two. Unless you want to catch flies.
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:
[Glaring at Pluto] ....
King Arthur:
[Stepping forward] Enough of this. I'm going next.
Sailor Uranus:
[Shrugs] Be my guest. We'll all have to go eventually, anyway.
{King Arthur proceeds toward the Bridge of Death with Sir Bedevere following behind him.}
Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?
King Arthur:
[Arrogantly] It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?
King Arthur:
[Pompously] To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper:
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur:
[Blinks] What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper:
[Frowns in perplexity] Huh? I don't know that. [Gets catapulted into the air] Auuuuuuuugh!
Sailor Jupiter:
[Sweatdrops] They can do that?
Sailor Mars:
[Also sweatdrops] I guess so.
Sailor Neptune:
[Shrugs] I guess since there's no more bridgekeeper, the Bridge of Death is now toll-free.
Sailor Uranus:
[Nods] Works for me.
Sailor Moon:
[Impatiently] Good. Can we go now?
{One after another, the group proceeded across the bridge with King Arthur in the lead and Sir Bedevere close behind him.}
Sir Bedevere:
[Curiously] How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur:
[Off-handedly] Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
{Once the group crossed the Bridge of Death, they could see no sign
________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
---- INTERMISSION - THE SCREEN SAVER ----
________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
Jason:
[Rapidly hitting keys and moving his mouse] Dammit, go away! Stupid screen saver! [Yelling over his shoulder] And
who changed my screen saver, anyway? My screen saver's supposed to be nothing but anime pics. [Pointing irritably] And no
cheesy calliope music!
{As the camera pans to the right, a man slowly wheels his calliope off the screen, but not before blowing a raspberry at the
author, who promptly responds with a finger.}
Jason:
[To the reader] No, not THAT finger. THIS finger. [Points toward the door] And take your monkey with you!
Monkey:
Eeeeeeeeaaaaaah! [Throws a peeled banana at him]
Jason:
[Irritably while wiping banana mush off his face] I hate intermissions....
{As the author stomps away, he fails to notice the discarded banana peel left by the enraged primate. One clichéd pratfall
later, the author gets up, gingerly rubs his head while muttering about unnecessary slapstick humor, and attempts to depart
with the remaining shreds of his dignity. Not that there was very much left.}
Jason:
[Very irritably] I really hate intermissions....
-------------------------------------------------
{Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by that meaningless intermission, once the group crossed the Bridge of Death,
they could see no sign of either Sir Launcelot, Sailor Mercury, or Sailor Knight anywhere.}
Sailor Moon:
[Glancing around] Where'd they go?
Sailor Venus:
[Also looking around] I thought they would've at least waited for us.
King Arthur:
[Yelling] Launcelot! Launcelot! [Searching] Launcelot!
Sir Bedevere:
[Yelling] Launcelot! Launcelot!
Sailor Jupiter:
[Shouting] Ryo-chan!
Sailor Mars:
[Shouting] Ami-chan!
Sailor Uranus:
[Shouting] Ryo-kun! Ami-chan!
King Arthur:
[Yelling] Launcelot!
-------------------------------------------------
{The scene cuts to reveal Sir Launcelot leaning against a British police car, legs and arms spread, as a police officer
frisks him. The police inspector has already confiscated Launcelot's sword. Meanwhile, the second officer is running back
to the first two in order to report that the other two strangely dressed suspects that he had been chasing had managed to
evade him. The mysterious thing was that they had vanished into a fog that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.}
-------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, the group continued the search for their missing companions.}
King Arthur:
Launcelot!
Sir Bedevere:
Launcelot!
Sailor Neptune:
Ami-chan!
Sailor Saturn:
Ryo-oniichan!
Sailor Pluto:
Ami-chan!
Sailor Venus:
Ryo-kun!
{Suddenly, the entire group came to a halt as they neared the crest of the nearby hill. A strange mist seemed to rise up
from the other side, calling their attention. Curious - an thinking that the others would surely catch up with them - the
group pushed forward toward the top of the hill. From there, they could see a shining lake stretching out at the foot of the
hill. And also in the distance-}
Sailor Jupiter:
[Pointing] Look! It's Ryo-chan and Ami-chan!
Sailor Venus:
[Shouting and waving] Hey! Ami-chan! Ryo-kun!
{From the edge of the lake, the two figures turned and waved, beckoning them excitedly.}
King Arthur:
[Frowning] Wait. Where's Launcelot?
Sir Bedevere:
Didn't he cross the bridge with them?
Sailor Pluto:
[Moving forward] Why don't we go and ask them?
{At Pluto's lead, the group all started for the lake where the two Sailor Senshi waited. As the group approached the lake,
Sailor Mercury turned and smiled as a HUGE viking-type ship with a dragon's head carved in the bow floated toward them. The
group stared with their jaws all hanging, flabbergasted at seeing such a huge ship appear from out of nowhere.}
Sailor Knight:
[Gestures] Our ride is here.
{Without a word, the group climbed aboard, one by one, and waited as the huge ship turned itself around and sailed for the
small island in the middle of the lake. At the center of the tiny island, a modest-sized castle stood proudly surrounded by
the calm waters of the lake. The group stood solemnly as the boat drew closer to its destination.}
King Arthur:
[Reverently] The Castle Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end.
{As the boat touched ground with the island and everyone began to disembark, no one could find it in their hearts to make a
snide remark or sarcastic retort. They were glad that the nightmare was almost over.}
King Arthur:
[Awestruck] God be praised.
Sailor Knight:
[Nods] Thank Kami-sama.
{King Arthur drew his sword and grounded the tip as he knelt and bowed his head. Beside him, Sir Bedevere did the same as
both began to pray. The Sailor Senshi exchanged looks and decided to at least bow their heads as a show of respect, even if
their religion was slightly cracked, as Sailor Mars put it.}
Sailor Mars:
[Making hushing gestures and whispering fiercely] Not so loud! You'll interrupt!
Sailor Uranus:
[Through clenched teeth] We want to get this done as quickly as possible. Shut up!
{Sorry.}
King Arthur:
[Praying] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast brought safe to us the most holy- [Twong]
Sailor Moon:
[Blinking] Twong?
Sailor Mercury:
[Pointing upward] Look out!
King Arthur:
[Surprised] Christ! [Ducks along with Bedevere]
{The Sailor Senshi scatter as a sheep suddenly smashes down on King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, knocking them to the ground.
The sheep then stands up, tosses its head indignantly, and stomps off in a huff as the two knights moan slightly in pain.}
Sheep:
[Irritably] Baa BAAAAA BAA baaaa baaa BAAA baaa ba baaaaaa! Baaa baaaaa ba baaa.
Subtitle:
I am DEFINITELY NOT getting paid enough for THIS line of work! I'm calling my agent.
French guard:
[Poking his head over the castle wall] Allo, dappy English and Japanese kniggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has
the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
Sailor Uranus:
[Seething] What the HELL are YOU doing here?!?
Sailor Pluto:
[Putting her head in her hands] Oh, no.... Not again....
King Arthur:
[Angrily] How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot,
to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
Sailor Moon:
[Also yelling while posing] Or else, on behalf of the Moon, we'll punish you!
Everyone:
[While staring at Sailor Moon while blinking] ....
Sailor Moon:
[Sweatdrops] What? It sounded like the right thing to say at the time....
French guard:
How you English and Japanese say, 'I one more time, I unclog my nose in your direction', sons and daughters of a
window-dresser! [King Arthur and Sir Bedevere start to rush the castle] So, you think you could out-clever us French folk
with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior? [The Knights run up the stairs to the main door] I wave my
private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters!
King Arthur:
[While banging on the door with his sword hilt] In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
French guard:
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing,
you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Sailor Uranus:
[Folding her arms] Here it comes. I swear, that idiot will never learn.
Sailor Pluto:
[Starting for the boat] This will not go well. We'd better prepare the boat for departure.
Sailor Mars:
[Surprised] Why? The Holy Grail's in that castle! All we have to do is get inside!
Sailor Pluto:
[Giving Mars a level look] You'll see.
{As Sailor Pluto headed for the ship, the other Senshi, slowly and reluctantly, began to follow suit.}
King Arthur:
[Arrogantly] If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
{The French guards replied by dropping a bucketful of some foul-smelling, dark brown liquid. The small chunks of soft, brown
matter that splattered disgustingly on the ground at their feet indicated that the liquid was something they really didn't
want to positively identify anyway. This did not raise King Arthur's spirits in the slightest.}
King Arthur:
[Pissed off] In the name of God and the glory of our-
{The king cut off as he and Sir Bedevere both received yet another brown shower. Above, the French guards began to laugh
their little French asses off.}
King Arthur:
[REALLY pissed off] Right! That settles it!!!
{The scornful laughter continued as the two knights turned and stomped down the stairs toward where the Sailor Senshi waited
for them aboard the boat.}
French guard:
Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we'll fire arrows at the tops of your heads and
make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
King Arthur:
[While he and Bedevere strain to maintain their dignity] Walk away. Just ignore them.
French guard:
[While the other guards continue to taunt] And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think
you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English kniggets! And the same goes for those
Japanese kniggets, too! Ha ha ha haaa!
{Once the two knights boarded, the ship set sail for the shore of the lake from which they started. Partway to the shore,
the Senshi started wrinkling their noses at some offensive odor that suddenly wafted toward them as the wind direction
changed.}
Sailor Jupiter:
[Covering her nose] Ugh! What's that smell!
Sailor Venus:
[Shaking her head] It wasn't me! Honest! I swear I didn't fart!
Sailor Mars:
[To Venus] Who said anything about farting, Minako-chan?
Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] Uh, never mind. Reflex.
Sailor Mars:
[Pointing] Aha! So you admit you DO fart!
Sailor Venus:
[Eyes widen] Ack! I did no such thing! [Pointedly] A lady does not fart.
Sailor Neptune:
[Whispering to Uranus] You say anything, and you die.
Sailor Uranus:
[Raising an eyebrow while smirking] Whatever you say.
Sailor Moon:
[Pointing while also covering her nose] It's coming from the back of the boat!
Sailor Saturn:
[Curiously] Um, what's that stuff on their armor?
King Arthur:
[Sheepishly] Well, um....
Sailor Knight:
[Sniffing] It.... [Jerks back] Ugh! That stuff smells like shi-
Sailor Pluto:
I've had it. [Turns and shoves the two knights overboard with her staff] Go wash yourselves off.
Sailor Mercury:
[Removing her hand from her nose] Was that really necessary, Setsuna-san?
Sailor Pluto:
[Indignantly while lowering her staff] Well, I certainly was NOT going to touch them smelling like THAT.
{The ship soon reached the shore and the Sailor Senshi all disembarked, then waited for the two knights to trudge their way
back to shore. Fortunately, the stench of the foul effluvium that had coated the two knight was washed off by the lake's
waters.}
Sailor Knight:
[Nodding] Much better. You don't stink anymore.
{King Arthur merely glared at Sailor Knight, then at Sailor Pluto, then at the other Sailor Senshi for good measure.
Finally, he whirled around to face the castle once again.}
King Arthur:
[Fiercely] We shall attack at once!
Sir Bedevere:
Yes, my liege!
{Sir Bedevere attempted to draw his sword, but found that it was stuck in the scabbard due to a long period of not using it.
As he struggled to remove his sword from its sheath, King Arthur spun around to face in the opposite direction of the
castle, toward the Senshi.}
King Arthur:
[In a commanding voice] Stand by for attack!
Sailor Uranus:
[Exchanging glances with Knight] He'd better not mean us.
Sailor Knight:
[Shaking his head] Of course not. He should know by now that he do not attack people. Just youma.
Sailor Moon:
[Puzzled] Okay, so if he's not talking to us, then who....
{Sailor Moon trailed off as an entire army suddenly began to hop toward them from the other side of the hill. Hundreds of
armed and armored people marched or hopped toward them, carrying swords and shields and spears and other weapons. King
Arthur stood, calm in his anger, while Sir Bedevere stared in surprise at the army that had materialized so suddenly. As
the army drew closer, the support section of the army began to crest the hill and settle in behind them. Ballistas,
trebuchets, rams, and other such siege weaponry were built. Fires were lit and stoked as last minute repairs and smithing
were accomplished. Fletchers made arrows and bows. Spear tips were sanded to deadly, piercing tips. Helmets and shields
were donned. Within minutes, the army was lined and assembled, and a still quiet made its presence felt.}
Sailor Uranus:
[Stunned] Woah.
Sailor Senshi:
[Nodding while also stunned] ....
Sailor Knight:
[Bewildered] Where the hell did they come from anyway?
King Arthur:
[Turns back toward the castle and draws his sword] French persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be
avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those
whom God has chosen!
Sailor Moon:
[Points to herself] Us!
Sailor Senshi except Sailor Moon:
Shhh!
King Arthur:
[Gestures toward the castle] Charge!
Knight Army:
[While charging forward] Hooray!
{With a mighty cry of "Hooray!", the two knights, the knight army - who had conveniently appeared at such short notice - and
the Sailor Senshi all charged toward the castle, although the Senshi were merely running because they didn't want to get
trampled beneath the army of extras... err, knights. As the army neared the shore of the lake, the loud claxon of police
sirens cut through the army's battle cries, bringing the mob to a staggering halt. Once the police car and the accompanying
police van came to a stop, the police inspector, followed by the two police officers and the late previous narrator's wife,
climbed out of the police car. As the she hurried around the car, she pointed toward King Arthur and Sir Bedevere.}
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[Pointing] Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
Sailor Uranus:
[Frowning] Wait. What is this all about?
Police Inspector:
[Authoritatively while ignoring Uranus] Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
Police Officer #1:
[Bringing out a megaphone and herding the army back] All right. Come on. Back.
Sailor Uranus:
[Angrily] Hey!
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[Pointing at King Arthur] Get that one.
Police Officer #1:
[Still herding the crowd back] Back. Right away.
Sailor Mars:
[Backing away from the crowd] Hey, what are you guys doing?
Sailor Knight:
[Also backing away] It looks like they're after our hopping idiots.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Backing away along with the other Senshi] I say we get outta here.
Sailor Neptune:
Maybe we can try for the Holy Grail while they're busy?
Sailor Moon:
[Nodding] Anything to get outta here!
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[As the second police officer points at King Arthur] Yes.
Police Inspector:
[Shoving King Arthur toward the police van] Put this man in the van.
Police Officer #1:
[Grabbing Sir Bedevere] Come on.
Police Inspector:
[Pointing toward the police van] Come on. Put him in the van.
Police Officer #2:
[Herding back the crowd] Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! [Pulling off a knight's shield] Pull that off. My,
that's an offensive weapon, that is.
Police Inspector:
[To the wife] Everything?
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:
[Shaking her head] No, there were those young girls wearing weird-looking sailor uniforms with short mini-skirts and
that one young man with them. They were accompanying those men, too.
{Near the ship, all the Sailor Senshi stiffened at once.}
Sailor Mercury:
[Nervous sweating] Oh, crap.
Sailor Neptune:
[Nodding] Crap, indeed.
{The Senshi were about to flee into the ship when suddenly it sprung twenty-seven leaks simultaneously and sank to the lake
bottom in half a second. The Senshi stood staring at the spot were the boat stood, dumbstruck. Especially considering that
the water level where the ship previously was only came up to Saturn's knees. The thought shared by all the Sailor Senshi
was unanimous.}
Sailor Senshi:
[Shaking a fist at the heavens] Damn you, Jason-san!!!
Police Inspector:
[Approaching the Senshi] All right, you. Come on. [Gesturing toward the group] Put this lot in the van, too.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Protesting] But we didn't do anything!
Sailor Neptune:
[Backing away] Besides, you have no reason to arrest us without proper cause.
Police Inspector:
[Smirking] Then, may I see your passports?
{There was mass blinking among the Senshi as they remembered that their sailor fukus had no pockets.}
Police Inspector:
[Nods] Right. Illegal entry into the country it is. You're all coming with us. Afterwards, you'll be deported ba-
Voice:
Cut!
{The scene suddenly freezes as the author suddenly appears in between the police officers and the Sailor Senshi. Only the
author and the Sailor Senshi are able to move.}
Jason:
[Shaking his head] No passports? Don't you know that you should always take your passports with you whenever you
interdimensionally travel?
Sailor Senshi:
[Mass sweatdrops] ....
Jason:
[Sighs] Well, this is another fine mess you've all gotten into. At any rate, I can fix this for you, if you want.
Sailor Mars:
[Hands on her hips] Fix what?
Jason:
[Gestures toward the police, the van, and the crowd of knights] That. I can make them all go bye-bye, along with
the French guards.
Sailor Knight:
[Skeptically as he folds his arms] Uh-huh. And I suppose you want something in return.
Jason:
[Shrugs imperturbably] What? Can't a guy expect recompense for his services?
Sailor Uranus:
[Indignantly] Services? You call everything you've done to us SERVICES?!?
Sailor Saturn:
[Angrily] I was almost burned as a which!
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Also angrily] We've had to deal with a gung-ho idiot of a knight for months!
Sailor Neptune:
[Also also angrily] You allowed Haruka an opportunity to flirt shamelessly as well as let her corrupt Ryo-kun!
Sailor Uranus:
[Indignantly] Hey!
Sailor Mercury:
[Nodding] Not only that, but that insane, idiotic, illogical garbage that you call medieval lore caused my brain to
short circuit numerous times!
Jason:
According to medieval medical lore, if you hang someone upside-down from the highest branch of a tall tree, then you
can cure them of their hiccups.
Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....
Jason:
[Grins] I just love doing that to her. She looks so cute twitching like that.
Sailor Knight:
[Also also angrily, too] You've dropped an untold number of rocks on me! [Pauses] Excuse me for a moment.
Jason:
[Nods] Be my guest.
{Sailor Knight kisses Mercury, snapping her out of her twitching fit. On an impulse, the author quickly whipped out his
laptop and started typing away. Soon, Sailor Mercury was kissing back with a surprising passion. Knight's eyes flung open as
he was swept off his feet into the traditional passionate kiss pose, but with the roles reversed. Knight's arms windmilled
as he struggled to regain his balance and lean back up, but Mercury was too determined... and, to be quite honest, he was
beginning to enjoy himself quite a bit.}
Sailor Senshi except for Mercury/Knight:
[Staring] ....
Jason:
[Mischievous grinning] Any other gripes or complaints?
Sailor Moon:
[Raises her hand] I still didn't get to finish my spam.
Sailor Pluto:
[Disgustedly] I was subjected to spam.
Sailor Mars:
[Looking at the both of them] I had to deal with them dealing with spam. Not only that, but I still think that those
head-banging monks are idiots. What kind of religion is that, anyway?
Jason:
[Seriously] You're better off not knowing.
Sailor Mars:
[Nodding] That explains a lot.
Jason:
Well then - death threats notwithstanding - I guess I put you through enough. [Brings out the laptop again] I'll
be nice and make things easy for you. After all, we're near the end of this story anyway.
Sailor Senshi:
[Wearily cheering] Yay.
Jason:
[Dryly] Please. Don't strain yourselves rejoicing. [Starts typing]
Laptop display:
Run cmd
C:\Documents and Settings\Jason>cd \fan*\gr*\ex*
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del police.exe
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del knghtarm.exe
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del frnchgrd.exe
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>del policevn.exe
{With the execution of each command, the respective frozen element suddenly vanished from sight.}
Laptop display:
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>start grail
Running grail.exe....
Jason:
[Grins back at the Senshi] Anyone want to do the honors? [Turns his laptop toward the Senshi] Just follow the
prompts and the holy grail will be yours. It's very easy.
Sailor Mercury:
I think Usagi-chan should do it.
Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] The grail belongs to Usagi-chan. It's only right.
Sailor Mars:
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... Remember when you tried to teach Usagi how to use a computer?
Sailor Moon:
[Defensively] How was I supposed to know that the monitor would blow up like that? No one got hurt; that's the
important thing.
Jason:
[Rolling his eyes] Don't worry about that. I've installed safeguards. Nothing will blow up.
Sailor Moon:
[Stepping toward the laptop] All right, then. Here I go.
Laptop display:
Do you enjoy torturing small animals? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] What the heck is this?
Jason:
Just choose one. The program will generate the type of grail you need based upon your answers. [Shrugs] Hey, I
didn't write it. I just downloaded it off the Net.
Sailor Moon:
[Sighs] Oh, fine then. [Hits the N key]
Laptop display:
No
Are you afraid of snakes? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Shudders] .... [Hits the Y key]
Laptop display:
Yes
Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] Nazis? What kind of crazy program is this anyway?
Laptop display:
Don't get mad at me. I'm just doing my job. Now answer the damn question already.
Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)
Sailor Moon:
[Blinks and sweatdrops] Um... okay. [Hits the N key]
Sailor Mercury:
That's quite a temperamental program you have, Jason-san.
Jason:
That's nothing compared to Windows ME.
Laptop display:
No
Final question: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Answer: ___________________________________________
Sailor Moon:
[Pointing] What the heck is THAT?!?
Sailor Saturn:
[Twitches] ....
Jason:
[Smiles] Oh, how cute! She twitches just like Ami does!
Sailor Uranus:
[Grabbing the author by the shirt] Quit acting like an idiot and start making yourself useful!
Jason:
[Firmly, but politely removing Uranus' hand from his shirt] I take it none of you have seen the movie?
Sailor Venus:
What movie?
Sailor Pluto:
[Nodding] I understand. [To Sailor Moon] Just enter your name, Usagi-chan.
Sailor Moon:
[Blinking in confusion] Wha...? Well, all right. If you say so, Setsuna-san. [Starts typing]
Laptop display:
Tsukino Usagi
ID match: Sailor Moon
Referencing database..........
Match found. Downloading "Holy Grail"....
0%....10%....20%....30%....40%....50%....60%....70%....80%....90%....100 %
[.....................................................................]< br />
Download complete.
{As soon as the message flashed on the laptop screen, the Holy Grail shimmered into being above the author's laptop. With
reverent hands, Sailor Moon reached out and clasped the grail in both her hands.}
Sailor Moon:
[Whispering] This is it. I know this feeling. This is definitely the Holy Grail. [Turns to the other Senshi]
Everyone, let's go home.
Sailor Uranus:
About damn time, too.
Jason:
[Nodding as he turns toward the laptop] Right. Then it's time to send you all home. [Starts typing]
Laptop display:
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras>start rtrnwarp
{Suddenly, the world around them began to blur as reality began to warp into vertical wavy lines rocking back and forth. All
of the Sailor Senshi began to gather around the laptop as the oscillation began to pick up in speed. The blurs began to
bleed together into a hodgepodge of color, not unlike a tie-dyed shirt or someone's crude idea of abstract art.}
Sailor Saturn:
[Hesitantly] Um... Jason-san?
Jason:
Yes, Hotaru?
Sailor Saturn:
[Puzzled as she points to the laptop display] What's an 'internal error?'
Jason:
[Wide-eyed] ...uh-oh.
Sailor Senshi:
[Aghast] Uh-oh?!? What do you mean, 'uh-oh???'
Jason:
[Trying not to panic] Don't worry. As long as the laptop doesn't.... [Pales] Oh, no.
Sailor Senshi:
[Panicking] Oh, no?!? That's even worse than 'uh-oh!!!' What did you do?!?
Jason:
[Starting to panic] No, wait. It's just locked up. We can still make it back.
Sailor Uranus:
[Quietly to Neptune] I'm sorry for all the flirting I've done, Michiru. I just wanted you to know that.
Sailor Mars:
[Calmly] Usagi, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being so mean to you all this time.
Sailor Mercury:
[Hesitantly] Ryo-chan, I- [Cuts off as she sees Venus kissing Knight passionately] Minako-chan!
Sailor Venus:
[After breaking off the kiss] I just wanted to see what it felt like. [Sadly] Just once, before....
Sailor Pluto:
[Calmly to the author] Isn't there anything you can do?
Jason:
[Glances at Pluto's staff] I could ask you the same question, but your powers don't work like that, do they?
Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head ruefully] Unfortunately, no.
Jason:
[Smiles weakly] We could still make it, you know. Just as long as the laptop doesn't blue scr.... [Trails off as he
stares at his laptop in horror] Oh, shi-
-------------------------------------------------
A General Protection fault occured at 0x0fe1bc. Beginning virtual memory dump.
00ffee 00ac34 12bc04 7f23dc a8be90 0011ba
00aafe 00db21 11ba94 0f1300 a0be02 00eefc
00ccaa 0043f5 02af06 5f26ca e8cd11 0055ef
00ffcc 00fe48 70bc55 1fe3af a0cd50 0044da
00bbff 008ce7 a1af04 7f45cc e0be00 00aacd
00ddcf 00ad02 53ce10 ef293a a8b9a0 0011ff
Virtual memory dump complete.
-------------------------------------------------
Coming soon to a website near you....
A Grail?!? - Epilogue and Omake!
Questions? Comments? WTF?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil