Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ An Internal Monologue ❯ An Internal Monologue ( One-Shot )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: sherazard 
Tsukino Usagi.
Always smiling, always cheerful and optimistic.
But what lies beneath that smile?
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 02.23.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.2K | Visits: 568 | Status: Completed
Tsukino Usagi.
Always smiling, always cheerful and optimistic.
But what lies beneath that smile?
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 02.23.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.2K | Visits: 568 | Status: Completed
Author's Warning: This came to me on a Sunday night, after I took my friend out
for her shopping excursion to make up for the birthday that I had missed that
week. I was sitting at my computer, trying to write the 2nd last chapter of my
major project, "Hearts of Swords" when I realized just how damn stuck I was.
Completely, utterly stuck in a jam. No inspiration, nothing. *THEN* I realized
just how depressing that was. Then I got into a horribly self-depreciating mood.
And *this* is what happened.
An Internal Monologue
It's funny.
I'm sure you've heard the words, "things aren't what they always seem."
That's probably one statement that rings truer than anything else in the world.
Well, for me anyways. Sure, a piece of wood can *be* a piece of wood, but for
those who love mind-candy, it can be anything.
But sometimes, you just have to say that it isn't anything *but* a piece of
wood.
Right now, I have to say that I am *anything* but cheerful. Sure, I'm the one
who seems like the one with the perfect life: family, friends, siblings. Pure,
100% stability.
WRONG.
People think I just slide through life, smiling this smile that is perpetually
on my face, thinking that I'll amount to nothing but a street whore. Oh, I've
heard my fair share of depreciating comments; it's what being a teenager is all
about. Sure, I'm not always the brightest bulb of the lot, but I *do* have my
moments.
But do they ever see behind the smile? Can anyone see past the smile? I smile
because if I don't then I'll never stop crying. I'll never stop screaming and
I don't want that. I want control over life, just like anyone else. But my life
hasn't been my own for a good long time. Constantly I am a slave to everything
and everyone but myself. I sometimes ask myself, "What is your name? Who are
you?" just to make sure that I still have some of *me* left somewhere.
My friends, God bless them, can't pick up on all this anguish. Sure, it's
contradicting what I just said, but the thing is, I don't want to burden them
with my problems. It's not like it's their fault I'm like this, it's my own. I
don't need to share my pain with them, my pain is my own, but theirs is also my
own. Does that make sense? I think it does. Hopefully it does.
It's beautiful out tonight. Cold, biting and awfully snowy. Just the way I like
my winters. Snow isn't something that's abundant in Japan, but I'll take what I
get. It's too bad the moon's covered by the clouds tonight. Maybe it's just
showing everyone else how I feel. Smothered and dark.
I'd like to think that I'm someone who can make a difference. But I know that's
not really true. I mean, life-changing, society-changing differences. But
making *a* difference is just as good too. I like to aim high, but I just can't
get to where I want to be. I'm just too inept at the things that I need to be
adept at, whereas I'm adept at all kinds of things that don't really pertain to
a future.
But then again, my life isn't my own, so therefore, it's natural to assume that
my *future* isn't my own either. I already have a preordained role, a life that
has been already mapped out for me. It's a cookie-cutter world I live in. Be
born, be pulled by the strings like a puppet, fulfill my duty and die. Wow.
That is pretty damn depressing. That's how I feel like my life is, as if I'm
just a vessel for everyone else to use.
Should I just put on a sign that says: "FOR RENT: A HUMAN PUPPET JUST FOR YOU."
Eew, that sounds like a porn ad.
I feel utterly worthless. I'm a poor student at school, a poor sibling, a poor
daughter to my parents, a poor friend. I'm a complete failure at everything
that truly matters. Family, friends and school. It's a wonder that I haven't
been disowned yet. Maybe it would be better that way, then my parents wouldn't
have to be so ashamed of me. I failed everyone in my life. I just want to curl
up and die.
Life's like a game to me; if there was a way to be removed from this game, I'd
gladly take it. Even if it means killing myself. Save that whole "suicide isn't
the answer" spiel. I've heard it over and over and frankly, I really don't give
a shit as to whether suicide gives you an answer. It just gives me the means to
get out of this miserable existence that's called "life".
I only have one more year of school left before I graduate and go on to post
secondary education. That sounds *so* professional, I think I'm going to puke.
I'm so scared, so afraid that I won't be able to meet up to the expectations
that my parents have for me. I'm terrified that my friends will go on and I'll
be left behind because of my own, UTTER ineptness in school. God, I sound so
damn depressing, but I can't help it.
Not even my own *boyfriend* knows about all these issues I have. I've made
painstaking efforts to shield this from him. He doesn't need to know all about
my childish fears and insecurities. He doesn't deserve to be weighed down by my
problems when he has enough of his own. Hell, *I* don't even deserve the
wonderful man my boyfriend is. Well, fiancé. I may be his fiancée but I just
feel as if I don't deserve him. He loves me, and I love him. That should be
enough, right?
In a way, it is more than enough, but I wish I had someone I can talk to about
this, someone who *isn't* biased. Someone who'll listen but doesn't even know
me. But nobody can help me, I'm just a silly little school girl that knows
nothing about real life. I've been so sheltered from it all that everyone, upon
meeting me, thinks that I'm this prissy, spoiled bitch. Well, I can't help the
fact that they think of me that way, but the least they can do is a bit more
subtle about the fact that they don't like me.
Street-whore, bitch, skank, tramp..etc., the list goes on. I think I've been
called by every single vulgar, obscene and profane terms to describe a girl on
this planet. In various languagues too! English, German, Spanish, Chinese,
Greek, Persian, Korean...
Our school has a lot of exchange students.
So now that you've had a look into my mind, do you *still* think I'm that same
carefree, smiling girl in the arcade, always sitting with her friends and
happily chatting about everything under the sun with the most gorgeous, perfect
boyfriend and a completely stable family?
I have to head out to meet my friends.
Thanks for listening.
But... don't tell anyone, okay? It'll ruin my image. *wink*
- End
for her shopping excursion to make up for the birthday that I had missed that
week. I was sitting at my computer, trying to write the 2nd last chapter of my
major project, "Hearts of Swords" when I realized just how damn stuck I was.
Completely, utterly stuck in a jam. No inspiration, nothing. *THEN* I realized
just how depressing that was. Then I got into a horribly self-depreciating mood.
And *this* is what happened.
An Internal Monologue
It's funny.
I'm sure you've heard the words, "things aren't what they always seem."
That's probably one statement that rings truer than anything else in the world.
Well, for me anyways. Sure, a piece of wood can *be* a piece of wood, but for
those who love mind-candy, it can be anything.
But sometimes, you just have to say that it isn't anything *but* a piece of
wood.
Right now, I have to say that I am *anything* but cheerful. Sure, I'm the one
who seems like the one with the perfect life: family, friends, siblings. Pure,
100% stability.
WRONG.
People think I just slide through life, smiling this smile that is perpetually
on my face, thinking that I'll amount to nothing but a street whore. Oh, I've
heard my fair share of depreciating comments; it's what being a teenager is all
about. Sure, I'm not always the brightest bulb of the lot, but I *do* have my
moments.
But do they ever see behind the smile? Can anyone see past the smile? I smile
because if I don't then I'll never stop crying. I'll never stop screaming and
I don't want that. I want control over life, just like anyone else. But my life
hasn't been my own for a good long time. Constantly I am a slave to everything
and everyone but myself. I sometimes ask myself, "What is your name? Who are
you?" just to make sure that I still have some of *me* left somewhere.
My friends, God bless them, can't pick up on all this anguish. Sure, it's
contradicting what I just said, but the thing is, I don't want to burden them
with my problems. It's not like it's their fault I'm like this, it's my own. I
don't need to share my pain with them, my pain is my own, but theirs is also my
own. Does that make sense? I think it does. Hopefully it does.
It's beautiful out tonight. Cold, biting and awfully snowy. Just the way I like
my winters. Snow isn't something that's abundant in Japan, but I'll take what I
get. It's too bad the moon's covered by the clouds tonight. Maybe it's just
showing everyone else how I feel. Smothered and dark.
I'd like to think that I'm someone who can make a difference. But I know that's
not really true. I mean, life-changing, society-changing differences. But
making *a* difference is just as good too. I like to aim high, but I just can't
get to where I want to be. I'm just too inept at the things that I need to be
adept at, whereas I'm adept at all kinds of things that don't really pertain to
a future.
But then again, my life isn't my own, so therefore, it's natural to assume that
my *future* isn't my own either. I already have a preordained role, a life that
has been already mapped out for me. It's a cookie-cutter world I live in. Be
born, be pulled by the strings like a puppet, fulfill my duty and die. Wow.
That is pretty damn depressing. That's how I feel like my life is, as if I'm
just a vessel for everyone else to use.
Should I just put on a sign that says: "FOR RENT: A HUMAN PUPPET JUST FOR YOU."
Eew, that sounds like a porn ad.
I feel utterly worthless. I'm a poor student at school, a poor sibling, a poor
daughter to my parents, a poor friend. I'm a complete failure at everything
that truly matters. Family, friends and school. It's a wonder that I haven't
been disowned yet. Maybe it would be better that way, then my parents wouldn't
have to be so ashamed of me. I failed everyone in my life. I just want to curl
up and die.
Life's like a game to me; if there was a way to be removed from this game, I'd
gladly take it. Even if it means killing myself. Save that whole "suicide isn't
the answer" spiel. I've heard it over and over and frankly, I really don't give
a shit as to whether suicide gives you an answer. It just gives me the means to
get out of this miserable existence that's called "life".
I only have one more year of school left before I graduate and go on to post
secondary education. That sounds *so* professional, I think I'm going to puke.
I'm so scared, so afraid that I won't be able to meet up to the expectations
that my parents have for me. I'm terrified that my friends will go on and I'll
be left behind because of my own, UTTER ineptness in school. God, I sound so
damn depressing, but I can't help it.
Not even my own *boyfriend* knows about all these issues I have. I've made
painstaking efforts to shield this from him. He doesn't need to know all about
my childish fears and insecurities. He doesn't deserve to be weighed down by my
problems when he has enough of his own. Hell, *I* don't even deserve the
wonderful man my boyfriend is. Well, fiancé. I may be his fiancée but I just
feel as if I don't deserve him. He loves me, and I love him. That should be
enough, right?
In a way, it is more than enough, but I wish I had someone I can talk to about
this, someone who *isn't* biased. Someone who'll listen but doesn't even know
me. But nobody can help me, I'm just a silly little school girl that knows
nothing about real life. I've been so sheltered from it all that everyone, upon
meeting me, thinks that I'm this prissy, spoiled bitch. Well, I can't help the
fact that they think of me that way, but the least they can do is a bit more
subtle about the fact that they don't like me.
Street-whore, bitch, skank, tramp..etc., the list goes on. I think I've been
called by every single vulgar, obscene and profane terms to describe a girl on
this planet. In various languagues too! English, German, Spanish, Chinese,
Greek, Persian, Korean...
Our school has a lot of exchange students.
So now that you've had a look into my mind, do you *still* think I'm that same
carefree, smiling girl in the arcade, always sitting with her friends and
happily chatting about everything under the sun with the most gorgeous, perfect
boyfriend and a completely stable family?
I have to head out to meet my friends.
Thanks for listening.
But... don't tell anyone, okay? It'll ruin my image. *wink*
- End