Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Angry White Male ❯ Chapter 1

[ A - All Readers ]
Angry White Male
John Lauder

July 2001

Warning: Some strong language, and other obscene ideas.

Takes place after Stars; meant as a little companion piece
to "Reunions", just to rinse the WAFF out...and replace
it with some other toxin...

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and Evangelion (mentioned very
briefly at the end, this isn't a crossover) do not belong
to me, neither do any of the songs mentioned.

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Setsuna Meio half-heartedly played a few chords on the piano.
It was yet another skill she had acquired in her long, unusual
life. She was no Liberace, but she handled herself well enough.

She had been waiting for someone, and they were now well over half
an hour late. Setsuna couldn't help but be a little miffed;
this little project she had agreed to participate in was not
as important to her as it was to...

A sound by the screen door interrupted her thoughts. She turned
to see a white cat scraping its front paws against the glass of
a window by the front door. "It took you long enough, didn't it?"
she said, not with impatience, but with coyness.

"Don't you start with me," Artemis huffed. "Do you know
how hard it is to sneak around Minako ever since she found
out about Diana?"

The green-haired woman, to Artemis's surprise, laughed. She
raised her right arm, as if brandishing an invisible whip.
"Wa-ksh, wa-ksh!!"

"Can we just get started here?" he growled. He jumped up on
the piano, so he could face her as she played.

Setsuna relented, seeing as the cat wasn't in the best of
moods. "Now, explain this to me again?" she asked.

Artemis let out a sigh. "They're finally going to give us
forgotten 'peasants' our own image songs." Setsuna nodded.
"The only thing is, they tell me there's only enough in the
budget for two new songs. One of the new ones will be a solo
by Sailor Saturn, and the other...the other a duet."

The guardian of time cocked an eyebrow. "A duet? Between
us?" Artemis confirmed it with a nod, and Setsuna immediately
shook her head. "No. No way." *I don't remember any of this
being in the time stream!* she thought with alarm.

"I'm afraid so," he replied.

"Well, what if I don't WANT to?" Setsuna snapped.

The white cat narrowed his eyes. "Oh, you're gonna," he

"Why don't they just let you do a solo?"

"They said a duet with you, or nothing at all," he
answered bitterly. "That, and they can't even fork out the
money to write and compose a NEW song. But they said we
could use any song as a cover, as long as we rewrite the
words so its all, you know, 'Sailor Senshi-oriented'."

Setsuna's brow furrowed. "Nani?"

"I know, it didn't make any sense to me either." he commented
with a shake of the head. "BUT," he said, and to Setsuna
it sounded like the beginning of a rather long tirade.

She saw the wild look that came over the feline's blue
eyes, the look that Minako had told them about. He would get
like this quite often, the blonde senshi said. There was nothing to
do but to sit and wait until the explosive conniption was over...

"BUT," Artemis repeated, attempting to raise one of his front
paws like a fist, "it's not like the powers that be know what the
HELL they're doing anyway!!!"

"What do you me--"

"YOU know what I mean!! I've been here since the first freakin'
season. Almost five years of this, and they've done nothing
but screw me over since day one!"

Setsuna sighed, folded her hands and crossed her legs.

"Oh, sure, Luna got to do the cool stuff, like that flipping thing
to give all the others their henshin sticks. And all they have
me do is the crap work. 'Oooh, let's send Artemis to scout the
enemy's quarters,' they said. They didn't even show me doing
it half the time!!!"

The guardian of time looked at her watch. *Now might be a
good time to do the time stop,* she thought, but decided against
it. Instead, she found herself smiling. "And what about Diana?
Didn't she give you a chance to shine?"

Artemis simply grumbled. "Oh, sure for maybe ONE damn episode. Then
they just stuck her in Chibiusa's hair, focusing even MORE attention
on that flamingo head during that whole SuperS fiasco. And away
from me!!"

She knew this was about to reach a crescendo. At least there
weren't flying objects, as Minako had the unfortunate privilege
of witnessing.

"But they saved the best for last, lemme tell you. They give those
three STAR lights their own songs, but not ME? What the hell was
that about? Sure, IDOLS!!! Whatever!!"

Setsuna giggled. "You're just mad because Luna had a little crush
on Yaten," she blurted, but then bit her tongue when she saw the
look of rage on the cat's face. Ears flattened, tail swelled up
and flapping back and forth, eyes dilated. *Hoo, this ain't

"I can't believe Luna would even THINK about that little bitch like
that! I've stood by her side for over a thousand years--"

"Um...minus that time you spent in cold sleep, and minus the time
you spent apart, before Sailor Venus rescued everyone?" Setsuna

"Uh, right. NEVERTHELESS," he continued, to Setsuna's dismay, "all
this time I've spent on the show, and what do I have to show for it?
A FANfic where this thirteen year old boy--"

"No, no, please don't mention that," Setsuna interrupted, her face all
wrinkled as if she was sucking on a lemon. She put a hand on her
stomach, raised her other hand in a stopping motion, and shook
her head. Apparently, bestiality grossed the woman out.

"Well, fine," Artemis conceded with a growl. "I'll just harp on the
whole Yaten thing, then."

*I just can't win,* the guardian of time thought.

"'Oh, Yaten-kun this, Yaten-kun that' was all I heard out of Luna for
six months!! I can't believe she would fall for that annoying,
little son of a...uh, daughter of a...uh...oh that little..."

Setsuna's eyes narrowed sternly. "Don't say it, Artemis," she

"...that little...miserable..."

She became fearful as she realized he was really going to say it.
"Don't do it...don't you do it!" she repeated.

"...miserable little FUCK!!!!" he finished.

The guardian of time cringed, and looked as if the heavens were
going to come crashing down. "Do you realize what you've done?!"
she whispered angrily through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, whatever, who gives a shit?! I've been waiting to say that
for a goddam long time...and I'll say it again. F--"

Artemis's mouth was now clamped shut with Setsuna's fingers. "Do
NOT speak like that!!"

"Huh?" Artemis said as Setsuna let go of his filthy little mouth.

The exasperated woman shook her head. "How do you expect to get
people to like you? No one's going to read any of your fanfics if
you keep cursing!!" she exclaimed.

"Nani?" he asked, confused. "Fanfic? THIS is a..." Setsuna
pointed, and Artemis could now see the reader staring back at him.
"," he babbled, and then promptly turned
away, now hideously embarrassed.

Setsuna turned to the reader. "He needs a moment." She went
over and picked up the white cat, holding him gently in her arms.

"Now, Artemis. I know you're angry, but don't be. We all see you
as valuable. The senshi team would not be what it is today without
your help and advice, ne?" she said, soothingly petting the top of
his head.

He didn't seem convinced. "Well," she continued, "you were the one
to find Venus. If you hadn't found her when you did, who knows what
could have happened? She wouldn't have saved the others' lives when
Zoicite and Kunzite had them trapped--and then what?

"And you've worked wonders with Minako. You trained her to be a
leader, to take charge, right? She'd be lost without you. All of
those girls would be." Setsuna grinned; her words about Minako were
sincere--all she had to do was recall that time when she and the
orange-clad senshi battled Neherenia's minions.

Whether it was the physical or verbal stroking was not known, but
Artemis seemed to feel better, and softened his angry posture. "Well,
maybe you're right. Arigato."

"It's nothing. Just remember, you *are* needed. Okay?" Artemis nodded.
Then, Setsuna scruffed him by the back of the neck. "Now snap out of
it, cat," she said, shaking him before she dropped him.

He landed on his feet, and paused. Slowly, the two of them began to
laugh. "Hey, besides," Setsuna said as she finished chuckling, "it's
not like they haven't screwed me too. I didn't exactly get that much
air time."

Artemis shrugged. "Yes, but you're 'Sailor Pluto, guardian of time',"
he said with the usual histrionics. "You at least got a henshin, with
that kickass music."

Setsuna's expression was stoic at first, and then she managed to crack
a smile. "It...*is* kinda neat, isn't it?" she giggled. A
thoughtful expression came over her. "Hmmm...should I? Oh,
what the hell," she decided, and took out her henshin wand. "PLUTO

Swirling lights appeared, and the familiar music began: the driving
rhythm, the urgent violin melody. Artemis closed his eyes before
the expected flash came, and before him was the guardian of time in
her senshi form, dressed in her white-and-black sailor fuku and skirt.

Artemis's eyes narrowed. *And I thought Haruka was the showoff.*
"This isn't making me feel any better, you know."

Sailor Pluto sighed, and looked as if she was in need of a cigarette.
"Yeah, well, we did that already. It's my turn."

"Hmmm. Bitch."

The green-haired senshi blinked. "What did I tell you about that?"

Artemis made a scoffing noise. "Believe me, that's *not* the worst
thing I could've called you." When Pluto gave her a "you wouldn't
dare" look, Artemis changed the subject. "Anyway, let's just get
this over with. Before we get to the piano, there's something...I
wish to show you first."

With that, Artemis jumped and performed the flip that only Luna had
been known for. Only, when he landed, it wasn't a henshin wand or
some other magical item that had appeared on the piano, but a
cassette player. He pressed the play button, and prepared himself.
But no sound came from the tape.

"Oh, shoot, I forgot the batteries," Artemis groaned.

Setsuna nodded. "I think there are some in Haruka and Michiru's
room. Just let me go get--"

"That...uh...that won't be necessary," he interrupted as he blushed.
He did another flip, and two AA batteries dropped onto the piano.
Sailor Pluto put them in, a move she would soon regret.

A rather odd sounding beat came from the player, and Artemis began
to babble strangely. Something about "May I have your attention
please..." And then...and...uh...then...

"Y'all act like you never
saw a white moon cat before,
jaws all on the floor
like Kunzite and Zoicite
burst in the door
started whuppin' his ass worse
than before the first--"

Sailor Pluto's reaction? Okay, everybody, on the count of
three now...

"DEAD SCREAM," Pluto whispered, pointing not at Artemis (though
she wanted to, oh how she wanted to at that moment), but right at
the tape player. It immediately and thankfully disintegrated.

Artemis was outraged. "Hey--"

"No. Absolutely not."

For a moment Artemis protested, but the deadly serious look in
the guardian of time's eyes was not to be contested. "Fine.
I suppose *you* have any better ideas?"

Sailor Pluto closed her eyes, and detransformed into Setsuna
Meio. "Perhaps I do," she said, sitting down on the piano

------------------------------------------------- ----------------

In the middle of all of that, Haruka and Michiru were bringing
Hotaru home from her recording session. "I thought you did very
well," Michiru was saying.

Hotaru disagreed. "It wasn't even me singing. It was Sailor
Saturn, remember? She sounds a bit older."

"And just how old *is* Sailor Saturn?" Haruka asked.

Michiru frowned. *12? An infant? 8? 16? Who the hell knows?*
"Never mind that. Don't you think Hotaru has a nice singing
voice, Haruka?"

"Better than you play the violin," Haruka teased.

"You wound me," Michiru said mockingly.

"ANYway," Hotaru cut in with a scowl, "I can't believe they
made me do that song. 'Don't Fear the Reaper'?! A little
morbid, don't you think?"

Haruka and Michiru looked at each other. It was just a tad bit
morbid. Haruka was at a loss for words, so the aqua-haired woman
answered. "Maybe it is, but I think it fits the spirit of
Sailor Saturn."

Her partner agreed, albeit reluctantly. "Yeah. It does sorta
fit. You know...uh...death and stuff."

"I just which they could've picked something for me that
emphasized the rebirth part of Saturn," Hotaru complained.

"Hey, what can you do? Death sells," Michiru explained.

"Yeah, well," Hotaru huffed. "That guy with the cow bell was
really starting to annoy me."

*Ditto,* Haruka thought as she pulled her car into the driveway
of their home. As the trio got out of the car, they heard the
sound of piano music coming from within the house.

"That must be Artemis and Setsuna practicing their duet,"
Michiru concluded.

Haruka's eyebrows twitched. "Is it?"

When they entered the house, Setsuna was sitting at the piano
playing, and singing some blues-like song that took a
while for them to recognize.

"Rolling on a river..." Setsuna sang.

"Rolling on a river..." Artemis answered, his feline voice
trying to get as low as possible...

The two hadn't seen Haruka and the others enter.

Artemis jumped off the piano and stood on his back paws, and spun
in a circle...three times...

It then finally dawned on Haruka. *Tina Turner? Proud Mary?
Oh, kami-sama, please tell me this isn't happening...*

Setsuna did a flourish, stood up and began pounding on the keys,
now playing quite rapidly...nice and rough...

"Aw, left a good job at the time gate,
workin' for the queen every night and day...
And I never missed one single distortion,
hey, think of the way things might have been--"

Haruka, Hotaru, and Michiru stood at the door, unsure of what
to make of this. Haruka's jaw dropped to the floor, along with
her keys. She felt like her lunch might soon be on the floor as

Hotaru had put a small hand over her mouth to hide the expression
of horror on her face. One would think she was bearing witness
to the aftermath of a fatal traffic accident with victims who no
longer had limbs...or maybe in the emergency room of a downtown
hospital in one of the more dangerous cities of the US, with
gunshot victims holding their intestines in their laps...

Nah, just Setsuna-mama and Artemis trying to do Tina Turner...

Michiru, on the other hand, kinda got into it, and started
snapping her fingers.

It went on for about another 45 seconds, and then Haruka could
take no more. She and Hotaru looked at each other, and nodded.
The two charged at the piano.

"Hu--" was Setsuna's startled grunt as Haruka tackled her to the
ground. The guardian of time struggled, but Haruka easily held
her in place.

Meanwhile, Hotaru had grabbed and subdued Artemis. As Setsuna
had done earlier, the girl now held the cat's mouth shut.

"Oh, you two are no fun," Michiru scolded, as she walked over
to Haruka, who had finished wrestling Setsuna and let her go.
"And why don't you ever try doing that with me?" she whispered in
her partner's ear, but loud enough for Setsuna to hear. Both
women blushed, and Setsuna quickly edged away from the two.

"What's the meaning of this?" Setsuna protested, standing up and
straightening her clothes.

"You couldn't think of anything else?" Haruka asked in disbelief.

"We TRIED everything else!" Setsuna snapped. Indeed, they did;
nothing seemed to be working out. Not Eminem, not the Dixie
Chicks ("Goodbye Beryl"), not...well, you don't wanna know.
Setsuna then got a sly look in her eye. "Everything except for
that Lady Marmalade song."

Haruka gave Setsuna her own version of the "you wouldn't dare"
look. "Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway."

Artemis looked at the sandy-haired woman curiously. "What do you
mean by that?"

Hotaru put Artemis down on the couch, and began to pet him. "I'm
afraid we have bad news."

"Oh?" the cat muttered, his eyes narrowing.

She hesitated before continuing. "They've cancelled your duet.
They decided to do something else."

He dug his claws into the couch, and bared his teeth viciously.
"And just what are they replacing me with?" he hissed.

"Um...well...they wanted another song from Chibiusa. Something
called 'Pink sugary syrupy sweet goodness', I think."

The cats' eyes went wide, and the four females backed away from
him cautiously.

Well, the ending of this is (uh, coincidentally) exactly like
that of Episode 18 of Evangelion, where Shinji finds out about
Toji being in Eva Unit 03. But for those who haven't seen that,




Everything went black, and the sound of the cat's primal scream
could be heard by all of Tokyo's millions of inhabitants.

Haruka rolled her eyes. "I've heard better screams," she
whispered to Michiru, who then chuckled and broke out into a
chorus of "Fly Me to the Moon."

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