Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Swan's Grace ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: battie1891 
Umm.. O_O.. this is kinda a death fic. So.. if you don't really care for those don't read this.
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2001 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.7K | Visits: 468 | Status: Completed
Umm.. O_O.. this is kinda a death fic. So.. if you don't really care for those don't read this.
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2001 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.7K | Visits: 468 | Status: Completed
Hello! Hope you all enjoy my new fic! I was reading a 'very' depressing book the other night and decided to write my very own depressing fic ^_^. Not that I don't already have a few of those…. That's okay though :D. I'll just live with it. Right? Anyway, this is a death fic so don't hope for a happy ending. And I do not own Sailor Moon… much to my own disappointment.
Swan's Grace
I've thought often of death in the past few weeks. I've finally gotten tired of it all. I'm tired of acting happy all the time, tired of always being the one you can depend on, the rock to hold on to. It was expected of me to protect everyone, keep my friends safe in their times of need, console them when they were disappointed by something.
What about me? Had anyone ever thought to ask me if I needed a shoulder to cry on? Someone to listen to my fears? Of course not. One never asked the policeman if he was too scared to go out and investigate something. A man was never asked if he'd rather not get out of bed to check out the suspicious noises downstairs. The protector was never protected. That was the way of things. I was always the strong one, and I hated it. I wanted to be cherished by someone. I wanted someone to tell me that I shouldn't do something because I may be hurt. I needed someone to hold me in the dark hours of the night and tell me everything was going to be okay.
Everything had finally built up to the point where I felt as if I was suffocating. I needed a way out. I needed somewhere to go, a place where I was left alone. Somewhere that everybody finally took care of their own problems, and didn't hoist them off on me. Oblivion would be lovely.... and the only place to achieve that oblivion would be death. And the only way to achieve death, at my young age, would be suicide. I'd thought of all the possibilities and had been mildly appalled by them all. Overdosing would be the easiest, and the least painful, but that wouldn't be quite gruesome , or dramatic enough, for a sailor senshi. I did have an image to uphold here.
The other alternative was slashing my wrists…. Call me queasy but that was a bit too messy for me. Even submerging myself in a tub of hot water (which I've heard makes it less painful and quicker) is a daunting thought. I mean, just think, when the paramedics finally came to get you, you'd be sprawled out, naked as the day you were born, in a tub of pink water. I didn't even want to think of what some sick medic might decide to do to a young teenage girl floating around in a tub. There were some out there that would call that a turn on.
The only other thing I could think of was plunging off the side of a building. And the only tall building that came to mind had been the school building. Not extremely high, but if I did it right I'd be able to die on impact. That would be a very nice thing. Only drawbacks where that I didn't want to end up screwing it up and paralyzing myself.... neither did I want to end up stuck on the ground, not quite dead, and lying there for hours. That would definitely suck. I'd thought about it for a long time and decided to what for the day that I had the opportunity, and the courage, and take whichever was nearby. Which was tonight. I'd skipped my last class of the day and gone up to the roof of the school to hide. All I'd planned on doing was listening to my cd player and writing in my journal.
Word to the wise here. It's not good to fall asleep in a hidden area and not wake up until 'after' the janitors had locked the doors to the building. I was now stuck up here and I could either, (A). wait until morning to be let out, or (B). just go ahead and plunge off the roof. I've taken the latter choice if you haven't guessed yet.
I remember being scared of death... I used to worry about what would happen to me after I'd died. I mean, while I didn't really believe in the whole Christianity thing, what would happen if it 'was' real? Would I be sent straight to hell, despite the good things I 'have' accomplished, and play the part of a rotisserie chicken for all eternity? Or would I be sent to heaven and get a kick ass pair of wings? And if neither of 'those' happened what would? Was Reincarnation real? Would I be brought back? Reborn? No matter what I come back as, no matter who I become, I'll never be the same as I am today. I'll never just now that I used to have a better/worse life than I do then. I'll just be gone. Here one day and gone the next. There would be no way that I could go through all the same situations, have all the same circumstances, and have the same personality. Think the same way, feel the same way. And, if by some small chance, I did come back exactly the same, I'd never now it. It's not like I'd be able to think, 'hey, I sure did have an interesting past life. I sure was a cool person.' It's never that easy.
Think on it now though... now I just don't care anymore. I want to take the risk of it all. I want to grasp at the oblivion that I've lusted after for so long. I wanted to get rid of all my pretenses and take the step I've always wanted. I, Kino Makoto, wanted to die. I wanted it all to go away, forever.
Like the good girl that I am, I listed all the steps to a successful suicide. The first is always to choose the type. In my case, it would be jumping off of a building. The second step would be to write a letter of explanation to everyone that knew you. So that they would know why you chose to do this. Well, I'd felt that I didn't really need to explain myself verbally. I thought that it would be a good choice just transform into Sailor Jupiter, channel all my power out so that I was literally just wearing the uniform, and leap off the building. I smiled grimly at the sight I'd make when the school officials filed in the next day.
I could almost see the papers now. "Sailor Jupiter leaps to death from local school house. It is rumored that her identity was one Kino Makoto." It would be lovely to see the looks on everyone's faces when they realize that me, the girl they had whispered about... giggled about, was also one of the girls they had secretly admired. That I was one of the five elite warriors that had helped to protect their unworthy life's. The drawback was that the other girls may be found out now. I'd made myself feel better by thinking that all the media attention would bring their minds off of my death.
I knew that they cared about me. I knew that they would be upset by my death.... I also knew that they'd get over it. After all, memory fades. That's what makes the world go 'round. If we all vividly remembered all the pain we'd been dealt there would be more suicides then there already are. Who could function daily if they were always bogged down by all their woes? I myself could barely remember what my parents looked like. There were pictures, true, but that's not the same. I couldn't mentally bring up a whole picture of my mother or father. All I could remember was a certain tone of their voices, a wisp of their smell every now and then, and a general feeling of love that surrounded them. There were other small things I remembered. Like my mothers long chestnut hair and my fathers hands, which is a strange thing to remember. They were long and tough looking. Calluses on the palms from working as a construction foreman (AN: umm.. all made up here. No idea what he really did or what the mother looked like.).
A sharp blast of wind brought my attention back to the matter at hand. There was something I needed to do. I scrambled gracelessly to the top of the safety railing, for once glad of my height, and perched, squatting slightly. Closing my eyes a sudden wave of dizziness I waited silently for a moment. Once I'd collected myself I rose slowly, balance faltering slightly, so that I was standing tall on top of the rails. I thought of my friends one last time, what I remembered of my parents, and briefly, to my utter shame, of my old sempai. What a joke that had been, eh? Embarrassing to boot. Looking towards the moon for a farewell glance I noticed it's brightness.
Almost as if it shined as a final tribute to me. I shook my head at my foolishness and looked straight ahead, concentrating on my next move.
Smiling one last time, I dived.... and after many months of diligent practice and hard work, I finally executed the perfect swan dive.
------------------------------------------------
Ahhh… I feel sooo much better now :D. I tried to add some humor to it, if you hadn't noticed, and I do hope that you like it. Reviews would be a really nice bonus If you feel up to it. Tell me if you hated, loved, or even didn't care about it. Another factor that contributed to this would be a fic by my friend Duo Kitty…. A fic called Glitter. It's a gundam fic ^_^.
Swan's Grace
I've thought often of death in the past few weeks. I've finally gotten tired of it all. I'm tired of acting happy all the time, tired of always being the one you can depend on, the rock to hold on to. It was expected of me to protect everyone, keep my friends safe in their times of need, console them when they were disappointed by something.
What about me? Had anyone ever thought to ask me if I needed a shoulder to cry on? Someone to listen to my fears? Of course not. One never asked the policeman if he was too scared to go out and investigate something. A man was never asked if he'd rather not get out of bed to check out the suspicious noises downstairs. The protector was never protected. That was the way of things. I was always the strong one, and I hated it. I wanted to be cherished by someone. I wanted someone to tell me that I shouldn't do something because I may be hurt. I needed someone to hold me in the dark hours of the night and tell me everything was going to be okay.
Everything had finally built up to the point where I felt as if I was suffocating. I needed a way out. I needed somewhere to go, a place where I was left alone. Somewhere that everybody finally took care of their own problems, and didn't hoist them off on me. Oblivion would be lovely.... and the only place to achieve that oblivion would be death. And the only way to achieve death, at my young age, would be suicide. I'd thought of all the possibilities and had been mildly appalled by them all. Overdosing would be the easiest, and the least painful, but that wouldn't be quite gruesome , or dramatic enough, for a sailor senshi. I did have an image to uphold here.
The other alternative was slashing my wrists…. Call me queasy but that was a bit too messy for me. Even submerging myself in a tub of hot water (which I've heard makes it less painful and quicker) is a daunting thought. I mean, just think, when the paramedics finally came to get you, you'd be sprawled out, naked as the day you were born, in a tub of pink water. I didn't even want to think of what some sick medic might decide to do to a young teenage girl floating around in a tub. There were some out there that would call that a turn on.
The only other thing I could think of was plunging off the side of a building. And the only tall building that came to mind had been the school building. Not extremely high, but if I did it right I'd be able to die on impact. That would be a very nice thing. Only drawbacks where that I didn't want to end up screwing it up and paralyzing myself.... neither did I want to end up stuck on the ground, not quite dead, and lying there for hours. That would definitely suck. I'd thought about it for a long time and decided to what for the day that I had the opportunity, and the courage, and take whichever was nearby. Which was tonight. I'd skipped my last class of the day and gone up to the roof of the school to hide. All I'd planned on doing was listening to my cd player and writing in my journal.
Word to the wise here. It's not good to fall asleep in a hidden area and not wake up until 'after' the janitors had locked the doors to the building. I was now stuck up here and I could either, (A). wait until morning to be let out, or (B). just go ahead and plunge off the roof. I've taken the latter choice if you haven't guessed yet.
I remember being scared of death... I used to worry about what would happen to me after I'd died. I mean, while I didn't really believe in the whole Christianity thing, what would happen if it 'was' real? Would I be sent straight to hell, despite the good things I 'have' accomplished, and play the part of a rotisserie chicken for all eternity? Or would I be sent to heaven and get a kick ass pair of wings? And if neither of 'those' happened what would? Was Reincarnation real? Would I be brought back? Reborn? No matter what I come back as, no matter who I become, I'll never be the same as I am today. I'll never just now that I used to have a better/worse life than I do then. I'll just be gone. Here one day and gone the next. There would be no way that I could go through all the same situations, have all the same circumstances, and have the same personality. Think the same way, feel the same way. And, if by some small chance, I did come back exactly the same, I'd never now it. It's not like I'd be able to think, 'hey, I sure did have an interesting past life. I sure was a cool person.' It's never that easy.
Think on it now though... now I just don't care anymore. I want to take the risk of it all. I want to grasp at the oblivion that I've lusted after for so long. I wanted to get rid of all my pretenses and take the step I've always wanted. I, Kino Makoto, wanted to die. I wanted it all to go away, forever.
Like the good girl that I am, I listed all the steps to a successful suicide. The first is always to choose the type. In my case, it would be jumping off of a building. The second step would be to write a letter of explanation to everyone that knew you. So that they would know why you chose to do this. Well, I'd felt that I didn't really need to explain myself verbally. I thought that it would be a good choice just transform into Sailor Jupiter, channel all my power out so that I was literally just wearing the uniform, and leap off the building. I smiled grimly at the sight I'd make when the school officials filed in the next day.
I could almost see the papers now. "Sailor Jupiter leaps to death from local school house. It is rumored that her identity was one Kino Makoto." It would be lovely to see the looks on everyone's faces when they realize that me, the girl they had whispered about... giggled about, was also one of the girls they had secretly admired. That I was one of the five elite warriors that had helped to protect their unworthy life's. The drawback was that the other girls may be found out now. I'd made myself feel better by thinking that all the media attention would bring their minds off of my death.
I knew that they cared about me. I knew that they would be upset by my death.... I also knew that they'd get over it. After all, memory fades. That's what makes the world go 'round. If we all vividly remembered all the pain we'd been dealt there would be more suicides then there already are. Who could function daily if they were always bogged down by all their woes? I myself could barely remember what my parents looked like. There were pictures, true, but that's not the same. I couldn't mentally bring up a whole picture of my mother or father. All I could remember was a certain tone of their voices, a wisp of their smell every now and then, and a general feeling of love that surrounded them. There were other small things I remembered. Like my mothers long chestnut hair and my fathers hands, which is a strange thing to remember. They were long and tough looking. Calluses on the palms from working as a construction foreman (AN: umm.. all made up here. No idea what he really did or what the mother looked like.).
A sharp blast of wind brought my attention back to the matter at hand. There was something I needed to do. I scrambled gracelessly to the top of the safety railing, for once glad of my height, and perched, squatting slightly. Closing my eyes a sudden wave of dizziness I waited silently for a moment. Once I'd collected myself I rose slowly, balance faltering slightly, so that I was standing tall on top of the rails. I thought of my friends one last time, what I remembered of my parents, and briefly, to my utter shame, of my old sempai. What a joke that had been, eh? Embarrassing to boot. Looking towards the moon for a farewell glance I noticed it's brightness.
Almost as if it shined as a final tribute to me. I shook my head at my foolishness and looked straight ahead, concentrating on my next move.
Smiling one last time, I dived.... and after many months of diligent practice and hard work, I finally executed the perfect swan dive.
------------------------------------------------
Ahhh… I feel sooo much better now :D. I tried to add some humor to it, if you hadn't noticed, and I do hope that you like it. Reviews would be a really nice bonus If you feel up to it. Tell me if you hated, loved, or even didn't care about it. Another factor that contributed to this would be a fic by my friend Duo Kitty…. A fic called Glitter. It's a gundam fic ^_^.