Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Move On Songfic ❯ Move On Songfic ( Chapter 1 )

Authors Note: I don't own Saiyuki and make no claims on it. If I did, there'd be a whole hell of a lot of kinky shit going down. The song used is Move On by the band Rotersand and all rights regarding the song remain with them.

 

** indicates internal conversations

 

Move On Songfic

 

 

Searching for silence, escaping the pain

The whispering voices come closer again

Nothing I'm changing just changing the scenes

Caught in the treadmill of logic supreme

 

 

I'd been quieter than normal for days. I knew my friends were worried about me, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to tell them what was wrong. I'm not even sure what was wrong myself. Well, no, that's not exactly true. I had an idea and, quite frankly, what I seemed to be suffering from scared me silly. Not for my own sake, of course, but for that of my friends. I refused to do anything that would endanger my patchwork family and I feared that what was going on in my head might push me into doing just that.

 

I'd been searching for silence recently. Not necessarily an end to the bickering that went on constantly between Gojyo and Goku or even the semi-regular snapping between Gojyo and Sanzo, although silence on those fronts would certainly be welcome. No, I wanted silence in my own head. There just didn't seem to be an easy way of escaping the emotional pain of the whispering voices that continued to come closer to the surface of my thoughts again and again.

 

Nothing I did seemed to quiet those voices. Nothing I was changing about my personal routine or the places my mind traveled had any effect. I think meditation actually made it worse. The words the voices spoke may have differed, but they didn't stop no matter how rapidly I was changing the mental scenes in my head. I wasn't even sure what the voices were saying the majority of the time, but I did catch random phrases. What I heard sent shivers of dread down my spine.

 

**Embrace our fractured lives to make us whole.**

 

**We're more than one individual.**

 

**We can be so much more if we joined together.**

 

As bizarre as I knew it to be, I felt caught in the treadmill of logic supreme. What the voices said made perfect sense to me from a clinical standpoint, and that worried me far more than the fact that I was hearing voices. Sane people didn't hear voices in their heads. Mentally stable people didn't identify the voices they heard in their minds as other parts of themselves they'd rather not recognize. Those of sound mind weren't tempted by whispers they heard only in their own head. Therefore, logic dictated that I wasn't mentally stable and could possibly pose a danger to my friends. That troubled me far more than I could ever say.

 

 

Move on move on move on, lest I grow insane

Move on move on move on to reason again

Move on move on move on, despair is defeat

Move on move on move on, to move is to beat

 

 

Move on. Move on. My blood seemed to hum out the instruction with every beat of my heart as I struggled with the right course of action. I could move on and spare my friends my spiral into madness. Even through the restraining magic of the limiters, I felt the effects of the minus wave. I knew it would be in everybody's best interest if I were to move on without saying a word, lest I go insane during one of our frequent youkai battles, lose myself and hurt or, god forbid, kill one of my friends.

 

I could never live with myself if I were to fail ones so dear to my heart. Again.

 

I needed to move on and try to seek reason again. Perhaps if I had some quiet, alone time, I'd be able to clear my head of those troubling voices that should simply not exist inside of me. I feared I was dancing too close to the edge of insanity, and I knew to give in to despair was to taste the first sip of defeat. Possibly, to move on and go it alone was the key to beat those voices back. Maybe if I could accomplish that, I could join Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku a little further down the road. I chose not to think of what would happen if I couldn't control the voices and only had them grow in strength and volume.

 

I knew one thing for certain though. I refused to allow myself to be the weak link that brought my friends down.

 

 

The mirror's my rival, reflection's my foe

I'm shifting the angle to see where to go

Out of my desert the torment is gone

I'm walking the water that carries me home

 

 

We were in another nameless town in the middle of gods only knows where. We weren't lost. I simply wasn't one hundred percent certain of our location relative to the map. It didn't matter. Slipping away here was as good as slipping away any place else. Everybody had gone down for supper but me. I plead a non-existent headache and nodded to Gojyo's idea of bringing me back some soup. As painful as it had been, I'd finally reached a decision during the long drive about what course of action I needed to take to make things right. Recent events had pushed me to choose when I'd have preferred to remain static and within the comforting circle of my friends.

 

The mirror's my rival now. My reflection's my foe. I didn't see myself looking back at me anymore. Or, rather I did, but that's not the only person I saw staring back at me. Now, whenever I looked into the mirror, I saw Cho Gonou and a vine covered youkai standing behind me. They were waiting. I could feel it. For what, exactly, I wasn't quite sure, but I knew I didn't want to be anywhere near my rag-tag family when I did find out. I had the sneaking suspicion it wouldn't turn out well for those around me.

 

So, I was shifting my angle of view and looked at the greater good rather than what I wanted too see, hoping that would tell me where to go, what to do. I wasn't happy about what needed to be done, but I'd do it for my friends. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder with a regretful little sigh. I pulled a folded sheet of paper from inside my shirt and placed it on the bed where I knew it'd be found before letting myself out of the room.

 

The act of leaving was hard, but I felt like I was walking out of my harsh, unforgiving, mental desert. My torment was suddenly lessened and a great weight lifted from my chest. This was the right thing to do. I knew it. I needed to get my head straightened out before I felt it would be safe for me to be around my loved ones again. Lightness filled me with the conviction of my decision, and the voices quieted down for the first time in weeks. I felt like I could walk on water and had the sense that I was starting on the long journey that would carry me home.

 

 

Move on move on move on ...

 

I exited the inn through the back door and resisted looking back one last time. I needed to move on for the sake of the people I cared about far more than my own life. Once I was certain I wasn't falling into madness any deeper than when I'd initially joined them, I could think about joining up with them again. Until that time, I needed to move on and heal the fractured personalities in my mind before I became a true danger to the ones I cared about.

 

I was sure Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku would understand all that once they read my letter.