Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction ❯ Saiyuki Boys, Bared ❯ Saiyuki Boys, Bared ( One-Shot )

Title: Saiyuki Boys, Bared

Author: Befanini*)

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no rights whatsoever. For daydreaming purposes only.

Summary: A magazine interview with the Saiyuki boys. Whee!

A/N: Feel free to email me with your comments and contrasting ideas, hai? I'd really like to know what you think.

 

 

 

The boys of the Saiyuki phenomenon show up separately for Befanini Magazine's exclusive interview. We conduct the meeting at a small, members-only club. Son Goku arrives first, on sleek roller blades. The setting is the bar, of course; but Goku is pleased to note that the gourmet restaurant is just across the hall, and I assure him that he can place his orders for food directly with the bartender. I hand him his own private menu, and he gives me a great beam, his golden eyes full of joy. He is dressed in typical teenage fashion: extra large denims, extra large plain white t-shirt, black rubber shoes and a single gold chain around his neck. The diadem is in place, of course.

 

Cho Hakkai arrives next in - what else, or who else - but Hakuryu, who transforms into her dragon self as soon as Hakkai alights. He walks up to me with a friendly, open smile, greeting Goku as well. He is clad in a maroon shirt, top two buttons undone, tucked into slim black trousers. His footwear is dark gray Hush Puppies. He wears a full pair of spectacles today, instead of his monocle. My impression is of a gallant, pleasant young man, and he has the greenest eyes I have ever seen.

 

The third to arrive does so with his customary flair: wheels screeching as he grinds his Harley to a stop in front of the place. I'm sure the readers can predict what Sha Gojyo is wearing for the interview: indecently tight dark blue jeans and a lightweight black leather jacket, plus killer boots. No shirt. No bandanna. He punches Hakkai lightly on the shoulder, grabs Goku in a headlock and musses his hair, then turns and gives the interviewer (lucky ole me) a rakish grin. Nice to meet you, I say to him, as I said to the other two, offering him my hand to shake. He is the only one who replies with a flirty kiss to the very tips of my fingers, and a low growl that makes my toes curl. “The pleasure is mine, pretty lady…” To the interviewer's mortification, she blushes like a schoolgirl.

 

And then Genjyo Sanzo shows up in a chauffeured Lamborghini. I suddenly recall that he can't drive. It's difficult for me not to stare at the man as he enters the room. Everyone stops and turns, in fact, watching him as he walks unhurriedly, with an easy grace, toward our group now assembled at the bar. He is wearing a white suit and a black silk shirt. On his feet are black loafers. His golden hair is pulled back in a tiny ponytail, and his famous purple eyes are hidden by a pair of tinted glasses the exact same color. The man has the most flawless skin. And yes, he is beautiful. He dips his head to peer above the spectacles at his group mates in greeting, and takes a stool beside me. We begin.

 

 

Interviewer: Okay, first of all our readers would like to know what your favorite designer brands are. Who are you wearing at the moment?

 

Goku: Tommy Hilfiger.

Gojyo: Guess!

Hakkai: Calvin Klein.

Sanzo: Ralph Lauren.

 

Interviewer: How do you take your coffee? (Interviewer encounters zombie expressions. Interviewer sweatdrops. Interviewer laughs weakly.) … Hehehe… our readers want to know…

 

Goku: I don't drink coffee. It stunts my growth. (“Stunts your growth?!, you 500-year-old baka saru…” mutters Gojyo in disbelief.)

Hakkai (interrupts quickly before the first scuffle of the night can develop): I prefer green tea myself, but when I do drink coffee I like cappuccino.

Gojyo: Kahlua. Hehehe…

Sanzo (bored): Black.

 

 

Interviewer: Right! Moving on… What do you do for exercise?

 

Sanzo (still bored): Yoga.

Goku: Basketball, skating, hiking, bungee-jumping, eating, Gaming, pool, hockey, mountain biking, sky-diving, eat---

Gojyo (cuts in): Gym. (mutters) baka saru…

Hakkai: Tai Chi.

 

Interviewer: Name your pet peeve.

 

Goku (glares): A greedy ero kappa.

Gojyo (glowers): A whiny baka saru!

Sanzo (snarls): Goku. Gojyo.

Hakkai (ticking off on his fingers): Disorder. Using empty beer cans for cigarette ashtrays. (Pointed look at an unrepentant Gojyo.) People playing roughly with Hakuryu. (Goku ducks behind Gojyo.) When people don't clean their plates and waste food. (Smiles insincerely at Sanzo. Sanzo: “'Ch.”)

 

The interviewer is about to ask her next question, but Goku yelps. “Matte, matte - “ as he gives a huge order of food to the bartender. The bartender has trouble keeping up with Goku as he rattles off item after item. Gojyo interrupts. “Just give him everything on the menu.” “Everything, sir?” the poor man sweatdrops. Gojyo gives him a wink. “Everything. And double everything too. I'm kinda hungry myself…” Sanzo mutters and lights his first cigarette. The first of many. Hakkai takes the opportunity to place orders for beer and sake as well, whispering to the interviewer that thank Tenkai it's not raining, with a sidelong glance at Sanzo. The interviewer can already tell this is going to be a very interesting interview.

 

Interviewer: Who is your idol/hero?

 

Hakkai: Alexander the Great. In my opinion the greatest strategist there ever was.

Gojyo (waggles his eyebrows, already looking tipsy): Hugh Hefner. In my opinion the greatest --- (*THWAK!* Gojyo glares at Sanzo. “I thought you left that -bleep bleep! - thing in your robes! FOUL!” Sanzo rolls his eyes.)

Goku (chewing a mouthful of buffalo wings): Sanzo, of course! (With big eyes, as if incredulous at such an obvious question. Sanzo snorts, but gives Goku's hair an affectionate muss.)

Sanzo (Interviewer notes he is at last interested, or maybe it's just the nicotine fix): Shakespeare. And Buddha. (Gojyo snickers. Sanzo ignores him.)

 

Interviewer stammers, blushes, then gives up and hands her sheaf of questions to the boys instead, pointing to question #6. Three eyebrows levitate. Goku is busy eating. Interviewer shrugs helplessly. Gojyo grins. Your readers want to know, right?

 

Hakkai (blushes): CK. White.

Sanzo: I'm not telling.

Gojyo: Spoilsport!

Sanzo: `Ch.

Gojyo: Fine, I'm telling mine.

Sanzo (snorts): You would, you pervert…

Gojyo (answers interviewer with relish): Black silk boxers. With `Sanzo' printed on them. (Sanzo's eyes pop. A vein throbs dangerously in his temple. His eyes challenge Gojyo to back up his claim. Gojyo stands up and starts unbuckling his belt. “You don't believe me?” Hakkai frantically forces Gojyo back down.)

Hakkai (desperately); Goku, it's your turn! (Goku is currently occupied with a rabid absorption in his food and will not budge to answer the question. The unquenchable Gojyo stage whispers to interviewer. “The saru goes commando…” That earns him another whack with the fan, but he decides it's worth it as Goku blushes fiercely.)

Goku: Oi! Only sometimes!

Gojyo: Fine, what DO you wear then?

Goku (innocently): Why, Fruit of the Loom, the same as Sanz—

(*THWAK!* This time Goku is on the receiving end.)

Sanzo (twitching): URUSEI! Baka saru…

(Goku and Gojyo high-five each other, sniggering and snorting. Hakkai hides a grin. Sanzo glares. Interviewer suspects only Hakkai answered the question honestly.)

 

 

Interviewer (wondering how the nice Hakkai puts up with this lot): What is your favorite sport?

 

Hakkai (with a happy smile): Bowling. (Interviewer's note: Perhaps with his chi gong expertise? …????)

Sanzo (predictably, alas): Target shooting.

Goku (distractedly, as he's finished with the wings and starting on the huge steak): Pro wrestling!

Gojyo (winks): Love and other indoor sports. Heh. (Sanzo wavers, undecided if another whack with the harisen is worth the effort. He decides to light another smoke instead.)

 

Interviewer: What is your dream vacation?

 

Gojyo (incorrigible): Hawaii, baby!

Hakkai (dreamily): Paris.

Goku: Magic Mountain! Or Morocco… (“Morocco???” the three gape at him. The interviewer gapes as well.) Sure, you guys! They have the most amazing food over there… Don't you ever watch the Travel Channel?

Sanzo: Egypt. (Gojyo mouths to Hakkai. “Egypt?” “No rain!” Hakkai mouths back, playing along in a rare moment of insanity. The two chortle. Sanzo sniffs at them. “Baka… no sense of wonder or history or archeology or ancient mystery in your souls…” The crazy fit vanishes and this time it is Hakkai who cries, “FOUL!!!” Sanzo smirks. The three are by now very, very flushed. Goku is also red in the face, but that is because he is trying to cram a huge slice of pizza in his mouth.)

 

Interviewer (with a rising dread that the interview is fast getting out of control and that she is in danger of losing her job): Um, speaking of channels, what is your favorite TV show?

 

Goku (mumbles): WWF RAW

Hakkai (slurs the tiniest bit): The Cooking Channel. (He blinks.) Did I just admit that out loud? Change that to Discovery Channel, okay? (Interviewer nods.)

Sanzo: `Ch. TV rots your mind.

Gojyo (hiccups): Baywatch. HeheHIC! (Burps, and hiccups again. Goku laughs, Gojyo curses, Hakkai tries to make peace. Sanzo gropes inside his jacket.)

 

 

Interviewer (before things get way out of control): Guys! Who is your Hollywood Dream Girl?

 

Hakkai (with a goofy, dreamy expression): Angelina Jolie.

Goku (deadpans): Britney Spears.

Gojyo: Oi baka saru! She's not an actress!

Hakkai and Sanzo: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! (Gojyo blinks in confusion as the guys roar, including Goku.)

Sanzo: Nicole Kidman. (“Hah. Figures,” Gojyo mutters, aside.)

Gojyo: Penelope Cruz. And Salma Hayek. Together. (“Figures”, Sanzo sniffs. “Touché,” Gojyo winks.)

 

Interviewer: You can't live without… You guys have to answer this question for each other, okay? And no pairing up.

 

Gojyo (gleefully): Sanzo can't live without sunscreen. And moisturizer.

Sanzo: `Ch. Hakkai can't live without lip balm.

Hakkai: Gojyo can't live without hot-oil conditioner.

Gojyo: Oi! Traitor…

 

(Interviewer's note: Goku is not included in this question, since we all know what Goku cannot live without.)

 

Interviewer: What is your Christmas wish list?

 

Goku (crows): A year's supply of free pizza!

Hakkai: An emerald-studded collar for Hakuryu. (Hakkai gives a start, whipping around frantically. “Hakuryu?!?”)

Gojyo (coughs naughtily): Uhrm. Handcuffs.

Sanzo (rolls his eyes): Sleep.

 

Unfortunately, the interview is cut short at this point, as mayhem breaks loose when Hakkai cannot find Hakuryu. Goku tears around the place, wreaking havoc, calling for the mini-dragon. Gojyo is right behind him. Hakkai drops on all fours and crawls around the floor, begging Hakuryu to come out. From their implacable leader comes only a bored “'Ch,” as he lights his sixteenth cigarette.

 

The interviewer wonders at his cold-heartedness, but things are soon explained. After a few more minutes of pandemonium, Sanzo pulls out his Smith & Wesson and gives two ringing shots, aimed overhead. He tells Hakkai to look behind the bar. There is Hakuryu, oblivious, blissfully drunk. Hakkai glares murder at Gojyo, but Gojyo protests his innocence. After a lot of shouting and more gunshots and thwaks of the fan, it finally becomes clear that it is the Interviewer's fault. Sort of. I had with me a box of premium, alcohol-filled chocolates as Befanini Magazine's gift to the Saiyuki boys. Apparently the dragon has an addiction to chocolate.

 

Just then, the ceiling starts to cave in. Sanzo tosses a gold credit card to the bartender. “Charge it all on this,” he instructs. He shakes my hand as I thank them for the interview. My eyes widen in total shock when he actually gives me a very rare, very intoxicating smile. Then he turns to Hakkai, Goku and Gojyo. “Ikozou!” he barks. And they are gone. At the door, Hakkai turns, Hakuryu in his arms, waves and apologizes for the chocolate. Goku gives me a thumbs-up and burps, patting his stomach contentedly. And the irrepressible Gojyo blows the Interviewer a kiss.

 

From what little time the Interviewer has spent with the Sanzo ikkou, allow the Interviewer now to present the following little analysis of each of the Saiyuki boys. (Read: “If Goku were a tree, he would be…”)

 

 

Genjyo Sanzo

Sha Gojyo

Cho Hakkai

Son Goku

Element

Water

Fire

Air

Earth

Season

Winter

Fall

Spring

Summer

Scent

Woodsy

Musk

Spicy

Tangy

Tolkien

Character

Aragorn

Faramir

Legolas

Pippin

Animal

Arctic Wolf

Thoroughbred Stallion

Graceful Gazelle

Saber tooth Tiger

Gem

Diamond

Black Pearl/Ruby

Jade/Emerald

Tiger's Eye

Fabric

Silk

Leather

Velvet

Denim

Instrument

Violin

Guitar

Flute

Drums

Spice/Herb

Vanilla

Cayenne

Lemongrass

Cinnamon

Insect

Scorpion (Praying

Mantis, hehehe)

Tarantula

Dragonfly

???

Candy

Licorice

Toffee

Peppermint Drops

Bubble Gum

Anne Rice

Vampire

Marius

Lestat

Louis

Armand

Looney Tunes

Character

Daffy Duck.

Pepe LePew. Heh.

Porky Pig

Tazmanian Devil

 

Rock

Marble

Obsidian

Quartz

Granite

Song

“Solitaire”

The Carpenters

“It's My Life/Saturday Night”

Bon Jovi

“Imagine”

John Lennon

“Sunshine”

John Denver

Tree

Weeping Willow

Steadfast Redwood

Evergreen Pine

Mighty Oak

Condiment

Pickled Ginger.

(Hehehe)

Tabasco

Sesame Oil

Ketchup

Peanuts

Character

Lucy

Snoopy

Schroeder

Linus

Flower

Lotus/Edelweiss

Wild Orchid

Jasmine

Sunflower

Poem

Haiku

Ode to Joie de Vivre

Sonnet

Heroic Epic

 

So that's our magazine article for you, dear readers. The Saiyuki boys wanted me to tell you that they appreciate all your support. They ask not to receive any more underwear in the mail. But they would welcome email from you guys. You can write to them and check out their respective websites at the following:

 

Gojyo: www.hotstuff.com; chick_magnet@hotstuff.com

Goku: www.harahetta.com; you_touch_sanzo_you_die@harahetta.com

Hakkai: www.stillwaters.com; happy_face@stillwaters.com

Sanzo: www.angst.com; bite_me@angst.com