Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Talk ❯ One-Shot

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

The Talk
By: Stareyes and Unoriginality

Wedding bells, fancy cakes, lacey white dresses... it was Amelia's dream come true. She'd finally (as in, 2 years later) managed to convince (as in threaten to beat him to death) Zelgadis to come back to Sailoon and stay. Everything was perfect...

... but something was amiss.

... and only Prince Philionel knew about it.

[insert ominous music here] The talk.

He'd never in all of Amelia's 17 years, he'd never had the talk with her -- he'd always intended to let her mother do it, but her mother died when she was too young.

So now it was his baby girl's wedding day and she had no clue what... it was.

The very thought of his youngest daughter actually doing it was enough to make even the pacifistic giant want to utterly destroy Zelgadis -- poor Zelgadis. But the thought of having to explain... it was enough to make him want to curl up and weep.

Approaching her was the first step. It was a big step -- an incredibly LARGE step. She turned to him, the bell skirt swishing around her ankles. "DADDY!" she cried, launching herself into his arms.

... that wasn't helping.

"Amelia! Daughter!" he cried in turn, voice catching and rising in nervousness. "I think we need to talk." Amelia blinked her large blue eyes in innocence. He cringed. "You see," Phil began, "When a man and a woman... no... let's... lets' try again. Have you ever wondered... no..." Phil stared at his hands.

"What is it, Daddy?" Amelia gave him another doe-eyed stare.

"Um... well... LINA-SAN!"

Lina Inverse, maid-of-honor, had been itching to go check out the reception buffet, and, upon hearing Phil's horrid beginning of... the talk [insert ominous music here], Lina had begun to sneak away, diminutive body pressed totally against a wall. She froze when he called her. "Y-yes, Phil-san?"

"This is something that should be a girl talk!" Lina turned white.

"This should be something a parent and child should talk about," Lina said quickly.

"But Amelia is not a child any more. And you are the maid-of-honor. And she should have an older, more mature woman to help her through this transition in her life."

"What is that supposed to mean!?"

"Um... well... I have to go check on the catering... bye!"

Lina stared after him. "But I wanted to talk to the caterer... NO! VERY NO!"

Amelia gave her a puzzled look. "What were you and Daddy talking about Lina-san?" Lina's body gave a full-twitch and then stiffened, completely unmoving. A red glow overcame her. Amelia stared at her friend. She was certain that Lina-san had never acted like this before. What exactly was this [insert ominous music here] talk that she was supposed to be given and why did it make Daddy and Lina-san so nervous?

"Uh... well, I guess..." Lina rubbed at the back of her head. "Okay, the talk. I can't believe your dad never told you this." Her voice lowered to the point that Amelia couldn't hear her, but she was pretty sure that it was something about 'getting Phil for this'. "Oookaaay... the um... the talk..."

Gourry chose that moment to walk by.

... stupid Gourry.

... stupid stupid Gourry

"What's going on?" he asked the girls, pausing in his quest for the buffet table.

"Daddy and Lina-san are supposed to be giving me some big talk and neither will do it and I have no clue what's going on." For once, the dumb jellyfish seemed to understand.

... bad time to choose to understand what's going on.

Bad time indeed.

"Oooh... the talk, huh?" Lina, if it were possible, turned brighter red. "Never had that before, huh?"


"No... I don't know what they are so worked up about," Amelia said. "I don't even know what this talk is about."

"Wow. I guess this is something you should probably know about. Well, let's see..."

"Jellyfish Brains-"

"What is the talk about?"

"Well, it's about se-" Lina clamped a hand over Gourry's mouth.

"We don't talk about [insert ominous music here] that," she hissed. Gourry blinked.

"But, why not? I mean, obviously, you won't, but I really don't see why not because I know you know what-" He received a smack on the head.

"Shut up!"

"But, Lina! It's not like we don't -"


"But, Lina! Usually, you're all-"


Gourry made a note not to talk about... that... in front of anybody but Lina again. Gee, he learned new things every day. Mostly the painful way.

Filia, hearing the noise, rushed into the room, searching for the source of the discord. After all, it was the duty of the priestess to make sure things went smoothly. "Amelia-san? Lina-san? Is everything all right?" she called before she reached the room. ....she was promptly hit by a flying Gourry.

Gourry stood up. "Sorry, Filia" he said. He promptly decided to make for the buffet, until Lina was in a mood that did not involve hurting him.

Filia nodded once cordially to him and sighed. Being around Lina was an adventure by itself.

She strode into the room and looked around for the damage.

Lina saw her... hey! Filia was a priestess... they must have to deal with this kind of stuff. "Filia! Just the person I wanted to see!"

Filia stopped dead in her tracks. "I refuse to help you with any scam you are attempting this time, Lina-san," she said firmly.

"It's nothing like that!" Lina said. "Phil-san just told me he never gave Amelia... the talk."

Filia turned the brightest shade of red that Lina had ever seen a dragon turn. "T-t-t-the talk?"

Amelia nodded. "I don't know what it is, but Daddy and Lina-san can't seem to explain it, and Lina-san didn't want Gourry-san to. Can you explain it to me, Filia-san?"

Filia had turned into an ice sculpture. Lina sighed and flare arrowed her. "Filia! This is no time to freeze! It's your duty as the priestess to give Amelia the talk!"

Filia started to burn up from her blush. She tried her hardest to hide her face without turning her back completely to them. "Why doesn't Phil-san give her the talk?"

"He tried... he then ran off and left me to do it," Lina said.

"Then why didn't you? You're her best friend."

"Um... well..." Lina looked at the floor.

They stared at each other for a long time.

"Maybe Martina can help us. She's married," Lina suggested, sweatdropping.

Martina was currently making goo-goo eyes at Amelia's cousin. ...Zangulus was off finding Gourry, of course, as Martina wouldn't really do that IN FRONT of him...and she never did anything more than look.

"Martina!" Lina screamed, surprising Martina from her vintage point and causing her to fall.

"I'll get you for this, Lina Inverse!" she screamed.

Lina sweatdropped.

"Maybe later... right now, we need your help," Lina said, hoping the ego boost would keep Martina from remembering her grudge.

After all, she did NOT need Martina's curses on top of everything else.

Martina did indeed respond to the ego petting. "But of course you need my help!" she laughed.

"We have a problem with Amelia........"

"Oh? Jittery bride? Just tell her to think of Maijin Zoalmagustar!"

Lina stared at her.

"I don't think that will work..." she said. "Phil-san never gave Amelia... the talk, and he left me and Filia to do it."

Martina jumped up. "Well I can help with that! A flat-chested sorceress such as yourself wouldn't possibly have the experience to explain that!"


Martina ended up taking the shortcut to Amelia's dressing room.

Martina dusted herself of and shot a glare to Lina. "But of course! I'm supposed to give you the talk!" She held up her Zoalmagustar pendant. "It's quite easy," she explained. "Just close your eyes and think of Zoalmagustar!"

Everyone stared.

"I mean...think of Justice!" she corrected.

Everyone stared some more.

Amelia was looking more confused. She didn't understand what Justice and Martina' s imaginary god had to do with her wedding.

Lina sweatdropped. "I don't think that was of much help, Martina," she sighed and looked around. Who else could they get to do this?

Martina pouted. "You asked for my help, and I gave it. That's how I always do it."

Filia: O.o;;

Lina: _<;;

Lina started ticking off people she trusted enough to give Amelia the talk and who were present at the wedding... it was a pretty short list, and most of them had tried and failed.

"What about Zelgadis-san?" Filia suggested, still trying to chase away her embarrassment at this whole situation. "After all, it's either he explain it NOW or try to show her later."

Lina nodded. "It would be his problem!"

"I'll go get him," Filia offered.

"He's in his room."

Zelgadis was adjusting his tie -- he had eventually decided that he had no choice but to use the mirror. Zel hated mirrors. He hated anything that reminded him he was a freak.

He shook his head. No. He was not going to angst on his wedding day. This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life. 'I am marrying Amelia.' He said to himself, in an attempt to boost his self-confidence. 'I am marrying the Princess of Sailoon.' he added. Okay, that was a little weird, but there were worse princesses he could be marrying... Zelgadis imagined what it would be like marrying Martina... his brain, normally used to the large amount of angst he put it though, wasn't able to talk that little thought and promptly shut down and blocked that fantasy from Zel's memory. where was he. Oh, yes. He was psyching himself up for his wedding. 'I am marrying the Princess of Sailoon,' he repeated. 'Prince Phil will be my father-in-law,' he noted. Well... maybe they could get Phil to go out on some diplomatic missions or something. Diplomatic missions... he was going to be royalty... he was going to be expected to handle affairs of state... perform ceremonial duties... all those people... staring at him and his deformity...

'I am not going to angst!' Zel nearly shouted. 'This is the happiest day of my life.' Maybe if he repeated that enough, he would actually start to feel it. But still... he was going to be royalty... he and Amelia would be expected to have children! The thought of passing his curse onto the next generation made him want to curl up into a ball and die... so he did the next best thing. His words earlier forgotten, Zelgadis sat in the corner and angsted.

Filia knocked timidly on his door. "Zelgadis-san?" she called quietly.

Zel straightened up quickly. This is the happiest day of my life, he repeated to himself. I am not going to let anyone see me angsting, even if it kills me. "Come in, Filia."

Filia stepped in. "Zelgadis-san? Um...we have a bit of a problem. We're hoping you can help."

"Problem?" Zel said. "I thought everything was ready?" He fought back another wave of angst.

"Well, um...." Filia turned a bit red again. "It's about Amelia-san...maybe you'd better come see..."

Zel stood up and followed Filia to Amelia's dressing room.

Lina dashed over and promptly grabbed Zelgadis's arm upon their arrival. "Thank L-sama you're here, Zel!" she cried, dragging him towards Amelia.

"What is it, Lina?" Zel said. "What's the problem?"

"YOU get to have the talk with her. She's YOUR fiancee."

Zel turned a very bright shade of crimson. "The... talk?" he repeated, in a state of shock. He promptly tried to break Lina's grip. "Don't you know it's bad luck for me to see the bride before the wedding." Probably for this very reason.

Lina held him tightly and growled in his face. "I. Am. NOT. Giving. Her. The. Talk. YOU DO IT!"

"Please, Zelgadis-san?" Amelia said, giving him an imploring glance.

I am not going to angst... I am not going to angst... why me? Zel sighed and sat down next to Amelia Lina and Filia inched forward. They were curious to see how he'd do this. "Your father should have explained this to you a long time ago," he commented, still blushing

furiously and refusing to make eye contact. Amelia leaned forward, curious as to what this talk was all about, if it made everyone so uncomfortable.

Lina and Filia inched a bit closer.

Zel sweatdropped. "You two aren't making this any easier." He thought of how to begin. Just make this quick and simple... best not to upset her on her wedding day "Well... when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

"Like we do?" Amleia interjected.

"Um... yeah." Zelgadis stared at his hands.

Gourry chose that moment to wander back in, arms full of food. He offered it to Lina as a peace offering... which she accepted eagerly.

"What's going on?" he asked. "Are you still trying to give Amelia the talk?"

Lina hushed him, though rather messily through the food in her mouth.

Zelgadis glanced at them and tried to continue, feeling very self-conscious. "As I was saying, when a man and a woman love each other very much and are married..." the last part added in case Amelia were to repeat this to her father.

"Go on," Amelia said.

Phil chose that moment to come back to see if the was done.

Zelgadis somehow managed to turn an even brighter shade of red... nearly washing out his natural skin tone. "Phil-san..." he managed to squeak out.

Phil got the distinct impression they were letting Zelgadis of all people do it. He frowned.

Zel was now very nervous... now, not only did he have Lina, Gourry, Martina and Filia breathing down his neck, but his future father-in-law as well. "Um... well..." he trailed off. "I can't do it!" he yelled. "Lina, why did you ask me?"


"Iiiieeeyaaa!" an all-too-familiar voice cooed.

The group turned.

"Xellos-san!" Amelia said. "What are you doing here?"

At first the vague outline of a cone was the only thing to be seen. Immediately following that was the familiar form of Xellos in a dark purple tux with a small purple rose in one hand. He handed the rose to Amelia. "I came to see your wedding!" he replied, shocked that he'd be questioned on that.

Amelia accepted it. "Well, the ceremony hasn't started yet," she explained.

"I had been listening in, and I find it hard to believe that your friends don't seem willing to give you such an important talk."

"Well, yes," Amelia said. "I don't even know why they find it so embarassing... Can you explain it to me, Xellos-san?"

"Are you sure we should let Xellos explain it to her?" Zelgadis asked.

Xellos didn't give anyone a chance to answer that. "But of course I can! After all, it's just sex." Everyone turned so red the group glowed.

"What?" Amelia asked.

Xellos looked pensive. "Never even heard the word, huh? Yare certainly ARE sheltered, aren't you?

Filia waved her fist in his face. "Namagomi! Pervert! You didn't have to be crude!"

Xellos sweatdropped. "What? It's just sex." He shrugged. "I don't understand why humans and you, apparently are so easily upset by sex."

"Now see here, you-" Phil started.

"What? It's just sex, Phil-san," Xellos interrupted.

Lina was furious. "If you're gonna insist on saying it so much, will you just freaking explain it to her already?!?!"

Xellos rubbed at the back of his head. "Iiiieeyyaaa! Gomen. Now, Amelia," he leaned in and whispered in her ear.

About five minutes later all of Sailoon heard their crown princess scream at the top of her lungs: "HE PUTS THAT WHERE?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Co-Author's Note:

First Slayers fic I wrote. Originally it was going to be a solo fic, but Unoriginality and I discussed the idea, and she joined the project. Aren't we glad! She came up with some of the funnier lines... like the ending. Everyone loves the ending.