Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Sonic Sports Series ❯ Baseball of smashingness ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

To Toasties: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've done it! It lives! They all called me crazy, they all thought I was insane! Well, who's crazy now? Oh, wait…Anyway, I've finally done it! Created a baseball fic, despite the fact I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about baseball! Before we start, we have a word from our sponsor:

Weirdo: (Singing to the tune of I am a music man) I am a music man

I like to plough the snow

I go commando

The Tweenies touched my balls

And chucked custard on the walls

I went commando

My girlfriend left me last night

Now I'm commiting su-i-cide

In commando

My mum, she called me vile

`cus I am a paedophile

(Shoots himself)

Okay then…I'm getting money for that. Anyway, I do not own the Tweenies (I don't know who owns them, but whoever owns them owns them) or Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Cream, Rouge, Silver, Blaze or Vanilla, who are owned by the almighty SEGA corporation. Also, I don't own Scoot or Vulcan, who I borrowed from my friend TheRealScootTh (After asking his permission.) On with the story!

Tails: Once again, we have reached the point of no return.

Sonic: Why the hell is he the team captain again? I WANNA BE THE TEAM CAPTAIN! AND WHY IS OUR OLD MANAGER ON OUR TEAM?

TheVulpineHero1: Let us just say that the idea of smashing things with a chunk of woodis very appealing to me.

Shadow: Why am I not surprised?

Amy: I wanna go to Alaska…

Cream: No! I wanna go to Alaska!

Rouge: Not me. Knucksie is indisposed.

Tails: Sonic? Ex-lax, again?

Sonic: He's got constipation, not the runnies.

Tails: Yeah, but it was still you.

Sonic: Yeah. How many players are supposed to be on a team?

Everyone: …

ScootTH: Right. I'm now the manager, because Vulpy learned to forge my signature, and put it on the signing up form.

TheVulpineHero1: It was either that or the army.

ScootTH: I'll take the army.

TheVulpineHero1: I meant Navy.

ScootTH: NEVER!

TheVulpineHero1: That's what I thought.

Tails: Okay, so who's commentating?

ScootTH: Me, BernardTheBeanpole, and StrangeDragonDude. Basically, expect anarchy.

Tails: With Vulpy down here, we don't have anything to worry about.

(On the field)

Tails: So, who knows the rules?

Shadow: No-one.

Tails: Good. I didn't wanna be the only one.

Sonic: You must have a real interesting life, Tails.

Tails: I am fun loving. I like charades!

Sonic: Shut up.

TheVulpineHero1: I know exactly how to win.

( Five minutes later)

Umpire: OWWWWW! THIS KID JUST CAME UP AND SMASHED ME IN THE BALLS!

Tails: I thought you said you knew how to play!

TheVulpineHero1: I thought that if I killed the umpire, it wouldn't matter. Now, which way up do you hold this thing?

Amy: We're doomed.

Shadow: Where are the commentators?

ScootTH: This is ScootTH, just back from taking a whiz. Apparently, there's been an incident involving…TheVulpineHero1, again?

TheVulpineHero1: I make no excuses.

ScootTH: HOW DID I KNOW THAT YOU WOULD GO ON AN UNSTOPPABLE KILLING RAMPAGE?

TheVulpineHero1: Note to self: Go on unstoppable killing rampage. Anyway, he's not dead. They're just replacing him.

Vanilla: Hi there! CREAM! I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, LET GO OF TAILS' LEGS!

Tails: I've gotten used to it by now.

Vanilla: At any rate, I'm the new referee!

TheVulpineHero1: Right. Who's your replacement?

Vanilla: I don't need one.

TheVulpineHero1: You will if I smash you with this bat.

Vanilla: I don't have any easy targets.

Cream: Plus, she's my mom!

Eggman: ATTENTION, YOU FANTASTIC, HOT, CURVY BABE! WILL YOU MARRY ME? I'LL TAKE YOU HOME TO MEET MY MOMMY! I PLAY REAL NICE!

Tails: Oh. It's ON, now. I'm gonna kick your butt, then use your…uh…butt juices to paint my house.

Sonic: I bet Knuckles wishes that he had butt juices right about now…

( In the toilet)

BernardTheBeanpole: Wow. Something smells FUNKY in here.

StrangeDragonDude: Wasn't me.

BernardTheBeanpole: Oh-FOR THE LOVE OF POTATOS!

(On the field)

Bowler: OWWW! UMPIRE!

Vanilla: Yes?

Bowler: That kid just hit me in the balls with the bat!

Vanilla: So?

Bowler: That's against the rules!

Vanilla: No. TheVulpineHero1 was perfectly within his rights to hit you. It says right here that he can attack in self defence.

Bowler: I wasn't attacking him!

Vanilla: Uh, you were throwing stuff at him. That sounds like an attack to me.

Bowler: I THREW THE BALL!

Vanilla: Exactly.

TheVulpineHero1: It pays to have a stupid umpire.

Cream: Hey! I resemble that remark!

Tails: Yeah! Quit dissing Cream's mother, dawg!

Cream: Huh?

Tails: I pity the fool, who buys SmartPrice Custard!

Cream: Tails, why are you acting like Mr.-

Tails: Shut up! You wanna get us sued?

Sonic: This really is dire.

Amy: Sonic!

Rouge: Hey, Shadow, what are you doing after the game?

Shadow: I'm going to go home, eat my dinner, go to sleep, and die alone.

Rouge: Can I join you?

Shadow: Hell no.

ScootTH: I still don't get how Vanilla is the umpire. If she doesn't know how to play football, how will she know how to play baseball?

Vanilla: HALF-TIME!

Cream: Mom? We've only been out here five minutes.

Vanilla: Then this should be a pretty quick game, huh? I never knew that sports games were so short. Not like cricket!

TheVulpineHero1: Cricket. Hmm.

BernardTheBeanpole: I don't like the sound of that hmm.

StrangeDragonDude: Oh yeah. The last time he did that was just before we had that game of football, wasn't it?

BernardTheBeanpole: That guy is responsible for 90% of my childhood trauma.

StrangeDragonDude: Remember what happened last time? You know, with the monster trucks and the evil cows?

BernardTheBeanpole: Yeah. What ever happened to the Lone Rangeress?

(In Ohio)

The Lone Rangeress: I save the world from evil cows, and what do they give me? A cattle farm, and 962 hours of community service.

(On the field)

BernardTheBeanpole: A dire fate indeed.

TheVulpineHero1: What the hell are you guys doing on the field?

StrangeDragonDude: How. We bring good news. We on your side. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

TheVulpineHero1: The company I keep…

Vanilla: No, Sonic, I can't let you win because you're `sexy'.

Sonic: You'll regret that choice.

Amy: I'd let him win.

Vanilla: Yeah, sure you would.

Sonic: I AM SEXY!

Eggman: Oh, I forgot to mention: THAT ANNOUNCEMENT WAS NOT THE RIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT.

Tails: Did she marry you?

Eggman: What do you think?

Shadow: That would be a no.

TheVulpineHero1: Why are Silver and Blaze on their team?

Tails: I dunno.

Silver: I have telekinesis, you know. I'm so good, I'll use it to throw the-OOF!

TheVulpineHero1: If you have telekinesis, why didn't you stop me hitting you in the balls?

Blaze: MY HAIR! I SET FIRE TO MY HAIR! AND THE CAFETERIA! BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I SET FIRETO MY HAIR!

Cream: Hey, Blaze. Mother said that I shouldn't hang around with you so often because you're a py-ro-maniac. You should have told me you were crazy. I have lots of crazy friends.

TheVulpineHero1: Yup.

Scoot: Hey, Amy. Want to get together after the game?

ScootTH: Hey, it's Scoot! How are ya, Scoot ol' buddy?

Scoot: Do I know you?

Vulcan: Apparently so.

ScootTH: MY OWN SON!

Scoot: Wow. I have one butt ugly daddy.

Vulcan: I see the resemblance.

Scoot+ScootTH: Hey!

TheVulpineHero1: I like your attitude.

Vulcan: Why thanks. You're a good batter, by the way. I'd do the exact same thing if I were in your situation.

Amy: The three loves of my life, all in the same game!

Scoot: Three loves?!?

Vulcan: Face it, man. Amy is a slut.

TheVulpineHero1: Nice one.

Vulcan: Thanks.

Scoot: Amy is NOT a slut! I-OOF!

TheVulpineHero1: My perfect record remains unblemished.

Vulcan: Yeah. Huh?

TheVulpineHero1: Aww…It bounced off you!

Vulcan: I got in the habit of wearing a ball protector after Scoot made up the World Ball-Kicking Championship.

TheVulpineHero1: Wow.

Tails: Can we get on with the game here? TheVulpineHero1, you're off the batting. We've started receiving death threats.

TheVulpineHero1: Always with the death threats! Can't they let me have any fun?

Tails: Cream, you're fielding. If you can hold onto a ball like you can hold on to my legs, we'll be fine.

Cream: Roger, honeykins!

Tails: (shudders) Shadow, you use Chaos control to catch the ball. TheVulpineHero1, you're the bowler. I'll do everything else.

TheVulpineHero1: Sure.

They played a good game, hammered the opposition and lived happily ever after. Yeah, right!

TheVulpineHero1: Have some of this, punk!

ScootTH: I was telling you what type of ball to throw!

TheVulpineHero1: You were making hand gestures! NO-ONE makes hand gestures at me!

Batter: How are we losing against them?

(Cricket noises)

Batter: Oh, right. He took out everyone else on our team.

ScootTH: What the hell is going on here?

BernardTheBeanpole: Thumb wars!

StrangeDragonDude: Strife and deprivation!

BernardTheBeanpole: Destruction of personal property!

StrangeDragonDude: Ball protectors!

BernardTheBeanpole: Karaoke!

(To the tune of Take Me Out To The Ball Game)

BernardTheBeanpole: Take me out at the ball game!

StrangeDragonDude: Knock me out at the grounds!

ScootTH: Buy me a bottle to throw at him!

TheVulpineHero1: Shut up now and let the pain begin!

All: So, take me out at the ball game

Knock me out at the grounds

Take me out at the ball game

Before we start losing the crowd!

Tails: The crowd left ages ago.

TheVulpineHero1: Who cares? I just recorded my first single!

ScootTH: Boo-ya!

Eggman: ATTENTION! I LIKE TO KISS MY BUTT! I ADMIT IT! IT JUST TASTES SO GOOD! I LOVE MYSELF!

Tails: Lemme guess. Wrong announcement?

Eggman: Actually, no.

Scoot: Why are we still here?

Vulcan: After all, that song you just recorded has been turned into a Broadway show.

TheVulpineHero1: By who?

Vulcan: Buttsy McFart, AKA Mr. Stinker, AKA Smelly M.Y Trousertrumpet, AKA King Constipation, AKA Knuckles the Echidna.

Sonic: Wait, then whose drink did I spike?

(In the toilet)

Waiter: My mother always told me not to eat onion rings, and she was right! ARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!

(In the Broadway theatre)

TheVulpineHero1: I'm being played by Timothy Jones?

ScootTH: What's wrong with Timothy Jones?

TheVulpineHero1: I have no idea!

Tails: It beats my actor. Apparently they ran short on funds, so I'm being played by a glove puppet.

Cream: Hey! I knitted that!

Tails: Why did you knit a glove puppet of me?

Cream: I knitted glove puppets for everyone!

Amy: It's a glove puppet army!

Conductor: Glove puppets are taking over Broadway!

TheVulpineHero1: Aww! How come I never get to take over the world?

The Lone Rangeress: Never fear, for I am here!

TheVulpineHero1: What, again?

The Lone Rangeress: Yes, again. Oops!

TheVulpineHero1: You didn't last very long this time.

Tails: What do we do?

TheVulpineHero1: It's Saturday night. There are 50 empty cans of cola littering my room, and I have my stereo on full. I have a ton of homework and I hate the songs that those idiots are playing. All I wanna do is hit stuff. Let's get it on.

Sonic puppet: Arrrgh! MY BALLS!

Tails puppet: ARRGH! MY BALLS!

Shadow puppet: ….

TheVulpineHero1: DIE, YOU MONSTER! ARRRGHHH!

ScootTH: Quick, music! (The radio plays Don't Stop Me Now)

Has anyone ever watched Shaun of the Dead?

TheVulpineHero1: KNUCKLES-YOU-SCUM!

Knuckles puppet: I wuv you!

TheVulpineHero1: DIE!

Cream puppet: Let's play dress-up with Tails!

TheVulpineHero1: DIE!

Cream: OWW!

TheVulpineHero1: Sorry.

Cream: OWW!

TheVulpineHero1: Sorry.

Cream: OWW!

TheVulpineHero1: That time was on purpose.

Tails: Gimme that. (Smashes Cream puppet) There.

Cream: Tails, you're so brave!

Amy puppet: I don't want to fight…

TheVulpineHero1: NEVER!

ScootTH: Why don't we leave via the back exit?

Everyone except TheVulpineHero1: Yeah.

(Five minutes later)

Conductor: Help! He's taken out all of the staff!

TheVulpineHero1: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shadow: Leave this to me!

TheVulpineHero1: Eat this, spine butt!

Shadow: You know what's even more fun than baseball?

TheVulpineHero1: Nope.

Shadow: Cricket!

TheVulpineHero1: Cricket. Hmm.

Shadow: AHA!

Tails: Shadow got the bat, but it looks like we're going to be playing cricket next.

Cream: …

Tails: Oh yeah. Cream, why did you sew balls on my puppet?

Cream: No reason.

TheVulpineHero1: I like baseball. So, same time next week?

Finally. A baseball fic. One that had very little to do with baseball, but a baseball fic all the same. In a way, this fic was truly smashing. Balls, that is. See ya!