TITLE: The Fruitcake.

AUTHOR: Orin.

RATING: PG-13, simply because it's so strange… And there's a few light swear words, though not really.

DISCLAIMER: Sega owns almost everything Sonic… Except when it is owned by the likes of Fleetway) or DiC or even *Gasp* Archie.

SPOILERS: I don't think so. Not in this chapter anyway.

FEEDBACK: Yes, but please be gentle - to - solaseireann@hotmail.com

PAIRINGS: None. None implied either… so don't go there…

SUMMARY: Take a displaced Orin, a pear, an incomprehensible VCR manual, a blue hedgehog, pink-fuzzy-bunny-slippers, Guardian of the Floating Island, Valium, gaping plot-holes and what do you get? Yeah, well, this isn't called Fruitcake for nothing…

Ever have one of those days?

You all know the ones… Right?

Well, I have 'em more than I'd like, so I write a lot to escape… Most of the stuff though, I don't feel fit to post, because, basically, it's sad. This is no exception apart from the fact that I'm posting it.

Don't ask me why. I don't know. A bout of boredom maybe?

See, Sonic and Knuckles are my muses. Sometimes they drive me insane, but I get most of my ideas from them. Hence such weirdness in my fics, and they're all inconsistent and stuff too. (S&K I mean. Not me!)

But they're one of those things that help me write - and I write to escape - this fic is an example of that, only taken literally…. Yes, it's insane, and no, it's not supposed to make any sense…

So don't complain, I'm not making you read it.

Also; invested in a new computer yesterday, with all the wonders of HTML that come with it so - Yay me!

*****

THE FRUITCAKE

Orin liked to think of herself as a normal young woman.

Not nearly adult enough for a lot for people, because she still ran about drawing big foxes that had two tails and didn't really exist no matter how many times she shouted at the screen when the 'Game Over' caption for Sonic 2 came up.

Or maybe it was because she watched cartoons, which she dubbed Anime because Anime was the more adult thing to watch apparently. But then, that really didn't explain the whole Disney thing, so there went that theory.

And there was also the whole still 'love acting like a kid, hanging out with kids, doodling over every available surface and staying up really late because once she was older than eighteen, her parents couldn't tell her when to go to bed anymore.'

So, hah!

But other than her…. quirks and - Aw Hell - her absolute strangeness and all round peculiarity, there really was nothing out of the ordinary about Orin. She had three felines who proudly owned her, because, as any cat person knows - it's the cats that own the people really…. And she liked to draw and write. Neither very well. But, a girl had to have a hobby, she reasoned.

That and having her head in the clouds ninety percent of the time occupied by and large, some portion of her existence. Something that bothered surprisingly few people actually….

But when it all came down to it, none of that explained how she found herself standing in a grassy alcove, with a not-too-distant waterfall off to her left and the sea to her right (Which was really strange, because it hadn't been there a moment before) and a clear blue sky overhead.

Oh, and then there was the giant blue hedgehog dozing under the coconut tree in front of her.

Which was how she knew everything was completely off the bat, because there were no coconut trees in Ireland…

Or giant blue hedgehogs either.

All in all, Orin thought the whole scene very strange.

One minute she had been busy trying to set her video recorder for the latest episode of Buffy…a nearly impossible task because if anyone has ever tried to read a VCR manual then they'll know that it'll take a nuclear scientist to figure the bloody thing out.

She had intended to go to town after. Because if she ever got past the whole recording fiasco, she had plans to meet a few friends, have a night out, stumble home utterly legless, and have a rip-roaring time in the process. Though she had a sneaking suspicion that they would try to convince her to go see that stupid Spiderman movie again….

So, she felt a bit of a fool really, standing in the middle of an open… place… peering at the snoring form that she knew straight away was Sonic the Hedgehog. And Orin, being the normal person she was, really didn't know what to do next, so she just hovered over him, wondering what the Hell was going on.

Sonic came as a complete and total surprise to her. For one, she had spent most of her adult life listening to devout mature people, happily ridiculing the oddities that came with adolescence and childhood - Sonic the Hedgehog - being one of them, and trying to get out of the habit of obsessing over a pixilated blue ball. For another thing, he wasn't even real, and yet here he was, snoring deafeningly, dead to the world and in the flesh, as it were.

Also, she had always thought him taller….

So Orin was quite surprised as you can well imagine.

And also, annoyed as Hell.

She still hadn't figured out her VCR, you see, and as a result, she was going to miss Buffy now. She pouted a little after realizing that detail, and looked around for someone to blame. But there was no one there other than herself and the strangely inactive Sonic.

Still pouting, she stared moodily at the hedgehog, who of course was unaffected by it, because he was asleep. Orin thought for a moment, looked at her watch, and then gave a little nod - Buffy wouldn't have started yet. Carefully, she extended her foot - and gave Sonic a nudge.

Nothing happened.

She frowned, then tried again.

He still didn't wake, though he did produce a strange choking sound that she had never heard anywhere before.

Another careful toe-poke.

He rolled over.

Orin growled.

It figured the world's fastest mammal would also be the world's heaviest sleeper.

Abandoning all subtlety, Orin prepared to give him a kick, when she noticed something rather odd…

His eyes were open, and he wasn't snoring anymore. Also, he was staring at her and his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. It didn't take a genius to know that this meant that she had succeeded in waking Sonic up, and more importantly, that she still had a chance of getting home to sit down and watch Buffy. (Because after this recent weirdness, Orin really didn't feel up to sharing her hallucinations with a group of friends - even if they were sloshed.)

Sonic didn't take her presence as well as she had taken his though….

His eyes widened in recognition and if she were honest, no small amount of horror. Then he made a scrabbling motion backwards, his legs kicking up enough dust to make her sneeze. He also got nowhere, because the tree was still behind him. But he failed to notice that for some reason, instead continuing to look appalled, and trying valiantly - and rather stupidly - to somehow push through the trunk and get beyond it.

Orin wiped her nose as she watched him, finally managing to stop sneezing. Several Super Sonic scrabbles and another dust cloud later, she scratched her head.

He was a bit slower than she'd thought really…

"Ah," she tried, "You do know there's a tree behind you, right?"

His scrabbles slowed, and briefly, he tore his eyes from her looming five-and-three-quarter-foot form, to chance a look. The tree hadn't moved.

A few uncomprehending eye-blinks and another shake of the head found Sonic staring at her again. He still looked horrified, but to add to that there was this irked expression rolled into the whole mess. Something that Orin had a feeling did not bode well at all.

"You!" he spat.

What do you know, for once she was right.

All previous fear had miraculously banished, and Orin was sad to see it go, because now he was glaring at her like her the whole situation was her fault. Anyone with a brain would have seen that she was just as out-of-the-loop and clueless as he was. But apparently, not Sonic, who only glared and looked angry.

And back to the point - he also seemed to know her.

Just to establish the fact, Orin blinked a few times, then asked, "You know me?"

All she got though was another glare. Then Sonic shook his head and rubbed his eyes.

"You're not real," he murmured in a distracted manner, "You can't be real."

Funny. She was thinking the same thing about him.

She tried not to take offence, because really, it was a perfectly normal thing to say she supposed, in a situation like this. But in fact, she couldn't know, because though she had been in some strange situations in the past, nothing quite equaled the one she found herself in at that particular moment.

Aw, screw it. He'd just denied her existence. That was an offence producing comment if ever there was one. Orin folded her arms and chanced to look accordingly offended.

"I'm not-what-now?"

She tried a glare of her own.

"Hello!" - She added a wild hand gesture for effect, and struggled to look mad, "You're the three-foot-tall-walking-talking-speeding-BLUE-hedgehog here… And I'm not real?! What universe are you from?"

Okay, so despite getting angry at his 'not-real' comment, she really had nothing up on him. And the whole angry routine was falling infinitely short. Partly because she wasn't angry with him anyway, she was just in a hurry to get home and his stupid ness was not helping her on her merry way.

Sonic wasn't affected in any case. He had faced Biolizards and Chaos monsters and a big-jelly-wiggle-type-fat human so, really, what did a woman still wearing her pink bunny slippers have on them in terms of intimidation factor…?

Apparently, not much.

Mobius," he deadpanned.

"Ah…" She deflated. Wouldn't you?

"That explains the weirdness factor, but um… not really how I got here."

Sonic looked as though she had pointed the finger at him and Orin was treated to The-Return-of the-Glare plus the added bonus of The-Crossing-Of-The-Arms and him looking all around peeved at her all over again.

"Well, don't look at me. I was asleep!"

Orin suppressed a sigh. Quite frankly this whole situation was becoming a pain in the ass. Any other time, she would have been thrilled - at least she thought so - to be standing next to Sonic the Hedgehog. (Which her brain was still telling her was impossible anyway.) But Once More With Feeling Buffy was on, the extended version, and she had already missed it. Twice.

This was Fate's punishment for refusing to go see Spiderman when she had the chance she knew… Never annoy friends. It's Karma's biggest backlash. Bites you right in the ass too.

All in all, Orin was feeling right buggered.

And Sonic was still glaring at her.

"There is a possibility that it was neither of you, y'know."

She blinked, because Sonic's lips had never moved, and she hadn't said that. And a quick once over of the whole area left it still empty. Sonic rolled his eyes, and pointed up - pointedly. But the voice registered before she looked up and so, Orin knew whom it was before she saw him.

Knuckles eyed them both from his perch high above. He somehow managed to stay precariously balanced and still look coolly nonchalant, plus still harboring all the broody-mysteriousness that came with being The Guardian. And eat a pear as well. A very juicy looking, ripe and soft, no bruises type of pear….

Since when did coconut trees have branches? And Oh God, that pear was huge! She was suddenly very hungry.

Ignoring the salivating Orin, the echidna shrugged. "Plot hole," he explained.

The confused human brought herself out of her pear-induced fantasy long enough to utter - "Huh?"

Sonic was looking at Knuckles as well, and - Hah! - He looked as though he didn't have a clue either. Orin felt better at that. Least she wasn't the only idiot on the planet. For his part though, Knuckles merely continued to look slightly bored, with a touch of 'I'm the superior one and you're both morons' that could only be achieved by raising an articulate brow. Then he hid his pear, because despite being confused and lost, Orin was still eying it speculatively.

Eventually, amidst all the pear-ogling and drooling - (On Orin's part - and whether she was actually drooling at the pear or it's holder, he could not guess - and really, she was human, so he didn't want to know.) - Sonic finally found his voice.

"Plot hole," he managed. Well, actually, squeaked would be more appropriate, but because this is Sonic, we'll stick with 'managed'

"Plot hole," Knuckles repeated, still looking all-superior and still shielding his pear from Orin. And keeping his balance. While she was beginning to wonder, How does he do that and still look cool?

But because the Plot Hole thing had just been repeated three times for her benefit, it meant that she was supposed to wake up, pay attention, stop ogling Knuckles' pear and most importantly - get on with the fic.

Right. So, just to make sure, one last time, "Plot hole?" she asked, finally tearing her eyes from the amazing pear, and feeling mightily proud for doing so.

"Yup," Knuckles confirmed. He resumed eating again, obviously no longer feeling threatened by Orin's intense fruit staring. She couldn't reach him way up there anyway.

She was still staring at him though, because she had never written Knuckles as the type to sound so nonchalant as to actually say 'Yup' in any of her fics. He was always too busy being all repressed and moody and The Guardian with all responsibility and all that. So his positive - and far too laid back to be canon - affirmation threw her out quite a bit, as you can imagine.

While Orin was trying to get her tiny mind around the fact that, okay, Knuckles was not acting how she would write him, and Sonic was being far too quiet for it to be safe, and what was with that pear anyway!? And very quickly growing worried at the conclusions she was slowly reaching, Knuckles spoke again, sounding out her worst suspicions.

"Plot holes… quite common in Self Insertion Fanfiction."

He still sounded far too lighthearted for it to be real, so Orin immediately disregarded the whole Self Insertion theory. Besides, it would never happen to her….

Yup, straight into denial.

"I never write self-insertion," she said flatly. "No one ever reads that stuff. And usually with good reason…"

She got a pair of nods for that and felt better for it, until Sonic said; "Nobody reads your stuff anyway. Also with good reason."

Knuckles winced.

Silence. Broken only by the erratic sound of a certain author grating her teeth.

"This can't be self-insertion!" she exploded suddenly, because she did not approve of self-insertion usually, and all she wanted to do was to get home a bloody-well watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer Goddamnit!

"I'M the author here!" she continued. Knuckles stretched, still perched precariously. Sonic examined his wrist - probably checking for a watch.

"I mean, then, who's writing this!?"

Ah, there had to be a point to her rant somewhere. And at that, there came a bout of suspicious peering from all sides, but it ultimately yielded nothing.

"Beats me," Knuckles shrugged again. Orin was tempted by his offer. He leaned back on the very skinny branch that did not look nearly strong enough to hold his weight - and how heavy was he anyway? - Then folded his arms to cushion his head. He flung the pear away first though, and Orin watched it go with some remorse. He hadn't even offered her a bite… Ranting had only made her hungrier.

"Someone must be though," he finished, and then he closed his eyes and, for all intense purposes appeared to go to sleep.

He was far too incredibly laid back for it to be normal….

In fact, Orin was beginning to think he was on Valium… Or possibly something stronger.

There was more silence after that. Buffy had started already, Orin suddenly realized. And she still didn't seem to be getting anywhere. Knuckles seemed to have fallen asleep and Sonic was still eying her suspiciously. She was at a complete and utter loss so she turned to the last resort and threw up her hands, raising her eyes to the heavens.

"What the Hell am I supposed to do now!!" she screamed.

Of course there was no answer, but Orin had already known that before she had opened her mouth. This did not stop Sonic from stating the obvious fact; "Well, that was completely pointless."

Her hands had the sudden urge to throttle a certain blue hedgehog.

Orin nobly blamed it on the current state of affairs.

It came completely out of the blue when it came. There was no booming voice of God or anything like that. I mean, if she really was stuck in some blatant self-insertion, then there was never something a clear cut as, lets say - a plotline in which to follow….

Just look at the huge plot hole that had gotten her to where she was… That was no help. Neither were the two supposed Mobian heroes either. One was giving her dirty looks and the other one either high or asleep.

She was probably destined to waste everybody's time waiting for some big bad guy to reveal his nefarious plans to them and try to kidnap her because - of course - she was the key to his world domination somehow…. And then, when Sonic or Knuckles tried to rescue her, she would somehow end up saving them instead. Never mind that they were the heroes.

Because she really had all these amazing powers that no body knew about - except for that big bad guy who was going to kidnap her a few chapters down the line, once everybody had gotten to know her enough to realize what a wonderful person and how useful she was. And whatever had they done without her.

Oh, and then there was the fact that either Sonic or Knuckles was destined to fall madly in love with her in the process. Or maybe both…

And if the fic followed true Self-Insertion guidelines - she was destined to die in the arms of one or the other by the end…

The more she thought about that last little factor, the less Orin liked her current situation.

Which was why, when the slip of pink flowery paper floated from out of a clear blue sky and into her hands - she was understandably suspicious.

Sonic too.

He stood on tip-toes, all previous animosity forgotten, and tried to peer over her hands into the note. Orin held it up a little higher when he did.

"Hey!" he protested.

She felt a well-deserved self-satisfied smirk coming on. Teach him to mess with her when she had the advantage of nearly three foot in height. Hah! Short-Stuff!

Sonic's continued grumbles were cut off by her gasp; once she got past looking contented and actually read the note. He was hopping about a little in impatience, and really, Orin couldn't help but notice - despite her growing ire - that Sonic hopping around really made a ridiculous sight. No matter with way she looked at it.

"What is it?"

Not Sonic, but apparently, Knuckles had decided to grace them with his conscious presence. And despite his question, he didn't look particularly interested. More than likely he just wanted Sonic to stop that damn hopping.

It was getting right distracting…

Ignoring all that, Orin just looked faintly horrified.

"I'm stuck here," she whispered. Sonic stopped hopping, and picked a look to match Orin's own. Namely horrified apprehension. Knuckles even sat up, and managed to look more fascinated.

"What!? How?!"

Sonic, of course. And there was no way to get around it - he squeaked.

"It says right here - I'm stuck in this place," she said. She had read it, and that was exactly what it had said in almost those words exactly - "You're stuck here. Get used to it." She almost held out the note to Sonic, just to prove she wasn't lying and to show him that shouting into the Heavens had actually not been completely pointless after all, but he wasn't about to let it go that easily.

"You can't be stuck here!" he protested, "You-You're an… Author! You can't be here! You can't!"

Knuckles dangled a leg casually over the branch studying her hands for a moment, but before Orin could accuse him of staring, he said, "There's more on the back."

She blinked, then flipped it over and began to read. During all of this, Sonic was still adamantly voicing his objection to her being stuck there, and Knuckles was looking more and more amused at the hedgehog's ire. Orin flicked a look in Sonic's direction - he looked so incensed…

He really needed to borrow some of Knuckles' Valium.

Because Sonic was still ranting - "You being here….It's-It's wrong! It's… Insane! Insane!!"

Orin finished the note, and suddenly everything didn't seem so bad after all. Her happy little sigh was enough to startle Sonic into silence. Her lips were twitching suspiciously as well.

No," she said, in a tone that was far too reasonable for Sonic's tastes, "It's artistic license."

Then she smiled brightly, forgetting momentarily all about Buffy.

"And I'm here for the long haul."

Sonic did the only thing any sane being would do when faced with such a situation - He screamed.

Oh, and then he fainted.

Like a girl.

*****

There you go. That's an example of something I write that I don't usually post, because it sucks and it's insane and… didn't I go over this already…?

Yes, there's more chapters, but no body's ever gonna see them. I think I'll keep future insanity to myself… I know you guys are bored to tears after it - that's if you ever got to the end. Congratulations if you did by the way… You deserve a medal for ploughing though that.

Take care,

Orin.