Star Trek - Series Fan Fiction ❯ A Really Dumb Star Trek Parody ❯ A Really Dumb Star Trek Parody ( Chapter 1 )
A Really Dumb Star Trek Parody
by Eric J. Juneau
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Tribbles: Cute and fuzzy and help you lose weight. How? They eat everything you own!
The Galactic Warp Speed Limit Commission: Warp 5; it's not just a good idea, its the law.
And now on with the show.
SCENE: U.S.S. Voyeur in space stock shot #3
MAINWAY: Captains log: Stardate 2 million or whatever. Who cares? No one's going to read this anyway since we're 70,000 light years from home and its going to take 75 years to get there.
SKIM: We're down to 73!
MAINWAY: Anyway, I just finished watching The Joy of Cooking Neelix, uh, With Neelix, and now we are beginning our day.
MAINWAY: (Briefing room) Well, crew, we must think of a plot for this episode.
PARISH: Let's do a weird disease.
BANANA: No, I want a kidnapped crewman.
SKIM: No, a space anomaly.
MAINWAY: Quiet, quiet. We'll do this as we always do. (picks up hat and takes out a piece of paper) and it is a... (reads paper) space anomaly.
EVERYBODY EXCEPT SKIM: Awwwww. (red alert klaxons sound and crew walks out of briefing room.)
MAINWAY: Where the hell are we?
TOOKNOCK: Captain, we seem to have been transported to a new world against our will. This place is dark and filled with a new species who sit around and eat donuts.
RICK BERMAN: What are you doing? Get back on the set!
MAINWAY: They seem hostile. Set phasers to stun.
RICK BERMAN: You stun me and you can take a 10% pay cut.
MAINWAY: ... O.K. back to the ship. (Crew steps onto bridge set and assumes positions.)
SKIM: Captain, we are encountering a...(pause)
MAINWAY: Well, what is it?
SKIM: Hang on, I'm checking the technobabble generator. It mixes prefixes, suffixes, and root words to form new and different anomalys and equipment. Oooh, here's a nice one: Spatial axionic flux string.
PARISH: Oh, let me try. (grabs PADD from Skim) Hey, it's a quasisub-harmonic vertion filament. (Presses a few buttons) How about this one: Ambient plasmodic retrobeam.
MAINWAY: All right, we get the idea. Mr., I mean Miss Torres, what do we know about the wormhole?
BANANA: It seems to be some sort of time/space vortex.
MAINWAY: I meant something new.
BANANA: I think it goes into the Alpha Quadrant.
MAINWAY: Quick! Beam anything that moves over here, NOW! BEFORE IT GETS AWAY! (Transporter energizes, forms of Kirk, Boney, and Norf beam over.) Oh no not another lame crossover episode.
PARISH: Hey? I like those episodes.
MAINWAY: Yeah, but now I have to go do my diplomatic tactics, like those ever work. (sighs and goes over to Kirk) Mr. Kirk it's a-. Wait a minute, didn't you die in Generations? (Whispering in background)
KIRK: Ha, ha, ha, ha! You haven't seen the last of me! I'll be back!
(Drops smoke bomb and disappears as he laughs maniacly.)
MAINWAY: (Turns to Boney) Mr. Coy-.
BONEY: McCoy, but call me Boney.
MAINWAY: I'll call you whatever I darn well please. This is my ship and I'm in command! But it's a pleasure to have you onboard and I'd like to present you with this award for "Actor with most wrinkles", previously held by Jabba the Hutt.
BONEY: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an actor.
PARISH: That's for sure.
MAINWAY: Quiet you. (Turns to Dada) Mr. Dada, so nice to meet you.
DADA: Thank you captain. I'm, (sniff, sniff) it's just so beautiful here I'm (sniff, sniff).
BANANA: What a wimp.
DADA: What! Why you little... (Goes to Banana and lifts her up by the neck, realizes what he's doing, and sets her down) Sorry captain, my emotion chip is feeding me a new sensation called PMS. It creates emotions randomly at 10 times their strength.
BANANA: I know what that's like.
DADA: Next movie I hear I'm getting genitalia.
MAINWAY: (Goes to Norf) Mr. Norf, you have a different uniform on?
NORF: I accepted a transfer to Deep Space Nine in order to serve as a liaison to the Klingon Empire.
MAINWAY: Are we at war again?
NORF: I dunno, I just wanted to get away from that kid. Dumped him at my parents again.
MAINWAY: Yeah, that's what I did with my dog.
NORF: Besides, have you ever seen a Star Trek actor have a career outside this set, besides doing Colgate commercials and lame documentary shows?
DADA: I did, I did!
NORF: Yeah, right, you died after seven minutes in Independence Day and had one scene in Phenomenom.
DADA: I had an opening credit. (Meanwhile, Boney is associating with the crew.)
BONEY: (To Chak O.K.) Hey, where'd you get that neat tatoo?
CHAK O.K.: Tatoo? What Tatoo? (Feels forehead and tatoo smears on hand) All right, who's been drawing on my head while I was sleeping?!
(Silence. Parish snickers.)
(Chak O.K. runs to turbolift to clean up face.)
BONEY: (To Tooknock) So, another green-blooded, logic-lovin' Vulcan, eh?
TOOKNOCK: Yes, admiral, I am a Vulcan and I will ignore your insults because it would not be logical to use violence against an illogical human.
BONEY: Yeah, well you can take your pointy ears and stick 'em in your Pon Farr.
TOOKNOCK: O.K. that was personal (Starts punching Boney's lights out)
BONEY: Dammit Jim I'm a doctor, not a fighter.
TOOKNOCK: (keeps smashing into him until he's knocked out) You want some more of that? HUH? DO YA? (Returns calmly to post)
DADA & TOOKNOCK: Captain, there's a Kazon warship off the starboard bow. Hey, stop that. It's my job to find stuff. Cut that out. I mean it.
CHAK O.K.: (Chak O.K. comes out of turbolift) Hey, captain, did you know there's a Kazon warship out there?
MAINWAY: Thanks, Chak I didn't notice. Fire all phasers. (Ship fires phasers. They fire back. Show battle scenes from "Basics")
PARISH: That's it. Signal our surrender.
MAINWAY: What? We haven't even begun to fight.
PARISH: Yeah, I know, but I really need to go to the bathroom! (Runs into side door with hands between legs)
MAINWAY: Hey, that's the briefing room!
CHAK O.K.: Captain, I know. Let's send out one of our shuttlecrafts to blow the tribbles out of them.
MAINWAY: Yeah, that always works. Make it so.
DADA: Hey, that's Picard's line.
MAINWAY: Get Parish out of my briefing room and get him into the shuttlecraft.
CHAK O.K.: (Chak O.K. goes to the briefing room and Parish comes out before Chak O.K. can enter) I hope you realized that wasn't the bathroom.
PARISH: What? Oh, yeah, right.
CHAK O.K.: Now get your indicted keister to the shuttlebay and launch a shuttlecraft.
PARISH: (Parish goes into shuttlebay to launch shuttlecraft) Captain, I'm ready to engage thrusters and stuff.
MAINWAY: Go ahead. (Shuttlecraft leaving shuttlebay stock shot #29)
PARISH: (camera shaking to instill sense of danger) Captain, I'm experiencing some turbulence.
MAINWAY: Then tell the guy to stop shaking the camera.
PARISH: Hey, you with the camera. Stop moving that thing around. (camera stops shaking) That's better. Now I have a clear shot.
MAINWAY: Give 'em hell, Parish.
PARISH: Aye sir! (Presses some buttons, but nothing happens)
MAINWAY: Mr. Parish?
PARISH: I don't understand... (presses some more buttons and opens control panel lid. Finds some Supervolt batteries) Noooooooo!
NARRATOR: It keeps going, and going, and going...
MAINWAY: O.K. enough of this, fire everything we got.
CHAK O.K.: No wait, we've got to conserve... (but its too late and Voyeur fires everything but the kitchen sink. Kazon ship explodes in Cool Explosion #58)
CHAK O.K.: Well, that's just great. Not only are we weaponless now, but the explosion closed the rift.
BONEY & DADA & NORF: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! We can't be trapped on this crummy little ship!
MAINWAY: I guess you are. But while you're here you may as well earn your keep. Everyone's gonna get a job and like it. Dada, you'll replace Skim at operations. He'll help Neelix with cooking now.
SKIM: Hey, wait a minute.
MAINWAY: Norf, you can be security and Boney will be CMO.
BONEY: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a... oh wait, never mind.
(and so everybody gets a job on the U.S.S. Voyeur. Tooknock gets sick of Boney's insults about Vulcan and kills him. He is currently serving 5 to 10 in his quarters and spends the rest of his days melding with Suder. Norf tries to come on to Banana and gets his Mr. Happy ripped off and shoved down his throat. Dada goes insane from the onslaught of emotions and was last seen dancing on the warp core, singing his "Ode to Spot" in falsetto. The rest of the crew falls victim to a ratings blight and gets sucked into a huge black hole in the plot)