Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fan Fiction ❯ Bad Places III: Ruin ❯ Chapter 6

Part 6

For the first time since the game, Leonardo woke up and wished he were still locked in his nightmares. At least in his sleep he felt like he had some semblance of control. Now it seemed that every time he woke up, his life broke down. He sat straight and looked around, a little surprised to find himself in his own bed and not the cramped infirmary that Donatello had created. His room was dark and the lair quiet, save for the soft sound of one, no, two people typing downstairs.

A heartbeat and soft breathing close by startled him. He reached for a sword, grabbing empty air for several seconds before he realized that he wasn't wearing them. Cold tremors ran through him, and he twisted the blanket in his hands. "Where are they?" he demanded.

"Oh, you're awake," Michelangelo said, looking up from his seat on the other side of the room. "Did you just wake up? I should probably go let 'em know--"

"Where are they?" Leonardo asked again.

"Well, Raph and Splinter are trying to clear a way to the front door, and Casey's asleep on the couch, and Don and April are--"

"My swords," Leo clarified, forcing himself not to shout.

"Oh. They're downstairs. Raph said he was gonna clean 'em. He's probably finished, come to think of it."

Cleaned, not stolen away. Leonardo breathed a sigh of relief. He trusted Raphael to bring them back, no matter what. Perhaps that didn't make sense, considering he was turning back into a homicidal maniac, but they both knew he needed those swords as much as he needed air. All the progress he'd made in the past several months didn't erase his need for his claws.

"Is he...is he all right?" he asked.

"Raph? Yeah, he's fine. You didn't even scratch him." In the dark without Michelangelo's smile to reinforce it, the lighthearted tone of his voice sounded forced. "I think you scratched your sword, though. You really slammed it into the floor."

He didn't answer.

Michelangelo fidgeted for a moment, then tried another tack. "You hungry? You've been asleep for awhile now."

"...no." One fight and everything unraveled. He winced and pushed his fist against his mouth. He'd come so far last night, but after becoming a mindless killer again, practically no better than the demon he'd killed, just the thought of eating made his stomach turn.

Why had they even let him wake up? Couldn't Donatello make sure he stayed asleep? At this point, Raphael's sai through his chest would be welcome. He turned slightly and put his hand under his pillow, feeling around for the bottle of sleeping pills. Maybe it was a coward's way out, but if it would keep his family safe from their big brother--

"It's not under there anymore," Michelangelo said softly. He tapped the bottle at his side so that the pills rattled, letting Leonardo know exactly what he meant. "Don said you shouldn't have any so soon after being sedated." He picked up the bottle and looked at it, reading the words on the label. "And Raph says you shouldn't have any at all."

Trapped, he felt trapped. He was in a tiny room with demons pushing their way in. Even the faint light coming in from the door was pushing in on him. Rather than scream, he laughed lowly. "Sometimes Raph's not a complete idiot."

"Not often, but it happens," Mike agreed, setting the bottle down.

"What else did he tell you?" Leonardo asked.

"He wouldn't say. It's obvious he's hiding something pretty important about you, but he said he promised he wouldn't tell." Michelangelo sighed. "Which of course means there's something."

Again, no answer. Leo looked away and wondered if this was how Raphael felt when he asked him to explain why he ran off nearly every night.

"Y'know," Mike said, "sometimes it helps to talk about it."

A harsh, bitter laugh erupted out of him, and he gave into it for a few seconds. Life had a cruel sense of humor, he though, but he was beginning to find it amusing. "You know, Raphael told me the same thing once."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He lay down again and pulled the blanket over his shoulder. "It was a lie then, too."

Soon after, he heard his brother get up and leave. He felt a little guilty about brushing his little brother off so coldly, but it was better than having to talk. For a long time he didn't move, just pretended to sleep whenever anyone passed by his room, which wasn't often.

When he was sure that no one was listening, he turned over and looked up at the broad pipe over the lair. Polished to a mirror's surface ages ago, the bright steel gave him an eagle eye over the lair and everyone inside. At the doorway, Raphael slogged through blood and entrails as he cut the demon apart, the arms already dismembered and stacked against the wall as Raphael cut into its abdomen. Leonardo could tell he still had a long way to go and he briefly considered going down to help, but decided against it. No one could trust him around blood, including himself.

On the other side of the lair, Splinter emerged from the infirmary. From the reassuring nod he gave to April, Leonardo assumed that Casey, though injured, was doing fine. No thanks to himself, of course. Replaying the fight in his mind showed him the mistakes he made, how he froze for a moment when Casey leaped, how he should have reacted faster. It seemed that every choice he made was the wrong one, at every turn he failed his family even more.

Hours or minutes, he wasn't sure how long he lay awake watching his family move about without him. They weren't completely relaxed, too tense and warily eyeing that stream, but they seemed to smile more readily, laugh easier, and talk amongst themselves with far less anxiety than when he was around. He knew what they'd say if they heard his thoughts, that his loss of control wasn't his fault, that he was still himself.

Lies. Their honorable brother would never have drawn a sword on any of them, and that honorable brother was long since gone. Worse, he knew Baxter Stockman wasn't the one responsible for destroying him. He'd done it to himself the night he broke under the weight of responsibility and ran away like a child. Even worse, his brothers knew how pathetic he was, or else they'd never have taken away his sleeping pills or kept his swords, as it was obvious Raphael was doing now.

Finally the lair was silent. He watched the lights turn off until only the faint glow of the televisions on stand-by lit his way, then stood up. He immediately winced and shifted his weight to his good leg as he re-discovered the gash the demon had left him. Coupled with the slash to his neck and the constant weariness, he briefly thought about looking for his painkillers but figured his brothers would have taken those, too. He didn't know if it was possible to fatally overdose on aspirin, but he hurt enough to consider it.

Raphael had done a good job of cleaning up the blood on the floor and walls, but the two bodies, especially the one blocking the door, would take much longer to get rid of. The smell was strong, but nothing like the stench he knew would come soon as the bodies began to rot.

"Mike said you'd gone back to sleep," Raphael said, coming out from Donatello's lab. A little light streamed into the lair from the side room, just enough for him and not too much for his sibling. "Well, he didn't put it quite so nice."

Surprised by his brother's appearance, Leonardo tensed, then forced himself to relax. He shouldn't have let himself slip off guard. "He wanted to talk. I didn't." He sat down on the bridge and watched the water run beneath him. Unsurprisingly, Raphael sat down next to him.

"I thought you'd gone to bed," Leo said. "All the lights were off."

"Can't sleep, too tired," Raphael said. "Too nervous. Every time I turn my back on this place, I get paranoid and look again."

"It's not paranoia if there really are bad things out there."

Raphael glanced sideways at him. "How long have you lived like that?"

"Like what?"

"Looking over your--no, looking over everyone's shoulder. I mean, I thought you were overreacting about checking how strong Don's seal on that stream was, but then during the attack it really was too weak. And before, when I let Mike and Casey go out and you knew it was too dangerous. How long have you lived like that, always expecting something bad to happen?"

"Ever since I can remember." He half-smiled. "I had to keep you three out of trouble and it didn't take much to set you off. Donatello would get curious about something outside, or you'd get stir-crazy."

"Or Mike'd piss me off."

"That happened every day."

Raphael chuckled and stared at the twisted metal over the water. "And you'd drag us home so we could get yelled at."

"Not all the time," Leo said. "Usually, you just wouldn't stop complaining and then Splinter would hear you come in."

"I complained 'cause you never got chewed out with us. I mean, okay, yeah, you did sometimes, but I remember a lot of times you weren't there while we got the whole responsibility lecture."

Leonardo didn't answer. After awhile, as the silence stretched, Raphael glanced at him and recognized the look on his sibling's face. Pensive and slightly turned aside, it was the way his brother looked whenever he wanted to avoid the subject. Now that he knew that expression, he wondered why he hadn't noticed it years before. "Leo?"

"What?"

Now he was sure his brother was hiding something. "Did you get in trouble 'cause of us?"

A half-shrug. "I was supposed to keep you safe."

"But you did," Raph argued. "There was the time Mike broke his leg and you carried him back. Or the time I nearly got eaten by that alligator. Or when--"

"Didn't matter," Leo said softly. "I was supposed to keep you inside."

"But--"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You never wanna talk about anything," Raphael grumbled. "I never noticed it before, but now that I've been doing your job--"

"Right, 'cause a year of splitting the responsibility makes you an expert," Leonardo snapped.

Raphael nearly snapped back, but he reined his temper in with only a little difficulty. His brother was under horrible pressure, he had to remember that, no matter what pressure he himself was under.

"You won't lie, but you sure as hell don't mind clamming up and hiding shit. And that's if I'm lucky enough to figure out what to ask you. You'll change the subject, distract us, and if we do manage to ask the right question, you'll hide the real answer with something that ain't a lie but sure as hell ain't what we were asking." He sighed angrily and glared at him. "You raise hiding the truth to an art. Why do you even bother not lying?"

"...you're my family. I can't lie to you." Leonardo slumped a little, and when he spoke, his voice sounded even more tired. "But you never stop asking questions. I'm sick of everyone wanting answers out of me."

"We wouldn't have to keep asking if you'd answer the first time."

"And what says I have to answer you all the time?" Leonardo got to his feet and walked a few steps away, standing at the water's edge.

"When you're acting real weird and I have to second guess you just to keep you from killing yourself," Raphael growled, keeping his voice low for fear of waking anyone else. "I was so worried you'd do something stupid when you woke up that I had Mike grab your sleeping pills."

"And my swords," Leonardo whispered.

"Your swords?" Raphael shook his head. "No, they needed to be cleaned or else they'd rust, and you were in no condition to do it."

"You didn't bring them back," Leonardo argued.

"I was a little busy cutting up that monster blocking the doors." He tilted his head and frowned. "I trust you with those. You wouldn't leave a corpse for us to find, you wouldn't do that. I wouldn't try to keep them from you."

For a moment, Leonardo wanted to ask him where that misplaced trust came from. He didn't bother. He resented their trust when they offered it and resented their suspicion when he deserved it. For a long time he stared into the water and watched the faint light sparkle on its surface.

"Why did you come down here?" Raphael asked slowly. "I don't think it was 'cause you're hungry."

"Probably won't eat for a month," Leo agreed.

"And you didn't come down here to talk to anyone."

Leo shook his head.

"I want a straight answer, Leo. No hiding. No changing the subject."

Several seconds passed, and Raphael didn't think he was going to answer. He was surprised when he started talking again.

" I shouldn't have run," Leo said. "It only made things worse."

"We didn't give you much of a choice."

"None of you would listen," Leonardo agreed. "I would've had to have a nervous breakdown to get your attention, and Splinter still would've said I was shirking my responsibilities."

Raphael wondered if that was really true or just his older brother's bitterness coloring his memories. Probably a little of both, he decided. "But you came back."

"I shouldn't have. It was stupid. After getting my courage up to run, I came back the moment I couldn't think straight."

"No," Raphael said slowly. "You came home the moment you started thinking straight. You need us as much as we need you."

No answer. Raphael looked between his sibling and the water he seemed so focused on. The look unnerved him, and he put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Leo...why did you come down here?"

"I'm not sure yet," Leonardo answered. "I haven't decided."

The hand on his shoulder tightened painfully and he winced.

"You don't get to make that choice," Raphael said sharply. "I won't let you kill yourself--"

That brought a laugh out of him. "You think you can stop me if I try?" Leonardo asked. "There's no gate to pull me through this time. And if it comes to a fight, you know I'll win."

"It shouldn't come to that," Raphael said. "I shouldn't have to stop you. You've gotten so much better, you don't have to give in like this!"

"I won't wait until I'm so dangerous that either you kill me or I kill all of you--"

"That won't happen--"

"Just because you don't want a fight doesn't mean it won't happen," Leonardo said. "The only question is how long before I can't stop myself. I'm not worth the risk."

"Geez, we really screwed you up, didn't we?" Raphael didn't let go. He started backing away from the stream and forcing Leo after. "We need to talk, but I'm not doing it here. Don't try fighting. You know you can't shake me off right now."

Leonardo met his eyes, and Raphael almost let go at seeing the sheer confusion in his look.

"Why do you keep trying to save me when you know what I'm turning into?"

The answer was instant. "Because you're my brother."

"In a few days," Leo said, "I might not be." Raphael's hand slipped from his shoulder, but both of them knew he wouldn't try anything now. Raphael would still haul him out of the stream if he did. With a small sigh, Leonardo turned and started walking back to his room. Halfway there, he paused and looked over his shoulder.

"It's your choice," he said. "Either I kill myself, or I kill my whole family."

"I'll stop you," Raphael whispered harshly, unable to speak louder for sheer emotion. "I won't let you--"

"Raphael...you didn't stop me this time." He couldn't face his brother as he said it, and he quietly returned to his room. Rather than trying to go back to sleep, which he knew he'd never relax enough to do without pills, he went to the back of his room and sat down in the corner. His leg hurt, his neck hurt, his head was starting to hurt, and there was no way anyone would let him near painkillers. And he knew that, somehow, he would be dead within the week.

He drew his knees to his chest and sat still for a long time.

TBC...