Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ The Mishima Bunch ( Chapter 9 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Announcer: We apologize for the lack of recent episodes of your favorite sitcom, Kazuya Knows Best, but the series has been experiencing problems as a result of a recent incident.

(Kazuya comes in while a rip-off of the theme from The Dick Van Dyke show is playing)

(Kazuya walks toward his wife Jun, but trips over a footstool)

Kazuya: My leg! I sprained my *CENSORED*ing leg!

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: Who the *CENSORED* did this? Who *CENSORED*ing put this here?

(Kazuya walks over to the closet and opens the door, revealing the minimum- wage earning writer)

Kazuya: You thought this *CENSORED* was funny? You thought this was *CENSORED*ing funny? I *CENSORED*ing hurt myself, and you call that *CENSORED* funny? What the *CENSORED* are they paying you for, coming up with *CENSORED* like that? You think it's so *CENSORED*ing funny seeing me get hurt, maybe I should hurt you, see how *CENSORED*ing funny you find that, you stupid *CENSORED*!

Announcer: Due to the resulting lawsuits and loss of the show's writing team, the series has been temporarily taken off the air, but has now been brought back and taken in a new direction.


(The cast is waiting for the new producer)

Kazuya: What are we waiting for?

Heihachi: We're waiting for the new producer.

Kazuya: Oh.

Lee: He's supposed to be some bigshot from Hollywood.

(The new producer enters)

Jun: Why, it's...

Jin: Tobonomu Igataki, creator of the popular television series, Alive and Dead!

Igataki: Thank you, thank you, I'd tell you that it's wonderful to be here today, but then I'd be lying, because you're all worthless piles of crap who are beneath me.

Kazuya: What'd he say?

Lee: Just forget about it, Kazuya...

Igataki: Now I'm sure you're all asking yourselves, 'why is he here, why has he graced us with his presance'. Personally, I'm asking that question myself. I think your show is a joke. The fact is, it sucks. It's crap, just like Leave it to Virtua Fighter, Everyone Loves Mortal Kombat, and All in the Soul Calibur. They all suck. All except my show, of course. Alive and Dead is a masterpiece you could never even dream of becoming equal to, and by simply being here, I am bestowing upon you an honor too great for you to receive. I'm not promising I'm going to make this crapfest good, or even tolerable, I simply came here with the intention of making it not suck, so much.

(Lee is now holding Kazuya back)

Igataki: I haven't bothered to actually sit down and watch your show before judging it, denouncing it as something that's not even in Alive and Dead's league, but I can tell that it's horrible, so there shall be a few changes made.

Kazuya: Changes? What the heck are you talking about?

Igataki: For starters, grunt, don't ask direct questions of me, I could have you replaced with a topless cheerleader in a minute, and I probably will. And as for the show, the first thing to take care of will be making the series more accessible to new viewers.

Lee: More accessible?

Igataki: We don't want anyone watching to have to think too hard just to get your lame brand of quality, so it'll have jokes that any moron could understand. Remember, easy is better. That's what made my show Alive and Dead such a hit.

Kazuya: Toilet humor. As if my career hasn't gotten low enough.

Igataki: And with the money we save from hiring talented writers, we can use it for special effects for the show.

Lee: It's a sitcom, why would we need special effects?

Igataki: The viewers love flashy stuff, fancy computer graphics and crap like that. That's all people want anyway, good graphics, that's why your show's so unpopular, it has little dependance on graphics.

Heihachi: This is too confusing...

Igataki: We're also going to be working on the backrounds.

Lee: How is that important?

Igataki: The locations will be composed of multi-level stages, adding to the excitement of the show.

Heihachi: How is the amount of levels on a stage important to the scene?

Igataki: The viewer finds it more interesting knowing that each episode is being shot on backrounds composed of multiple levels, it just makes the series feel more interactive.

Kazuya: Huh?

Igataki: And we'll also have some changes involving the cast.

Lee: What sort of changes?

Igataki: For one thing, we'll find some character from an old Namco series that used to be popular, and then we'll introduce a character to your show that's loosely based on him, despite having nothing in common with the original, so we can milk the old show's popularity, sort of like what I did in Alive and Dead with Ryo Hayasaki from the classic series My Favorite Ninja at Tecmo studios.

Heihachi: That's so magnificantly evil!

Igataki: We're also going to have ninjas included in the cast.

Jin: You mean Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu?

Igataki: No, they wear masks and loose clothing, what kind of ninja is that? All ninjas look like models, and they wear tight, revealing outfits, like on my show, Alive and Dead.

Kazuya: Just go ahead and keep pluggin' it...

Heihachi: But we don't have any other ninjas in our series.

Igataki: Then we'll just make some up at the last minute, and we can have plenty of cameos by characters from Alive and Dead drop by every episode.

Lee: How many ninjas do we really need, I mean, every show has ninjas.

Igataki: You can never have enough ninjas!!!

*Igataki fixes his toupet*

Igataki: Ninjas are the greatest gift bestowed to mankind by god, there's nothing cooler than ninjas, especially the kind of ninja that's a really hot chick who wears a tight, revealing outfit that shows her boobies!

Lee: Ah. So you're saying....

Igataki: Ninjas will make up over half the cast.

Kazuya: Over half the cast? You can't keep all of us with that many ninjas in the show!

Igataki: We'll still have most of the original cast, it's just that no one will notice any of you, viewers won't be paying attention to the male characters anyway.

Kazuya: What's that supposed to mean?

Igataki: The female characters are the most popular ones on Alive and Dead, so as a television producer who puts profit before art, I've learned to milk that for all it's worth. It's all about sex appeal, my friends.

Jun: Sex appeal?

Igataki: That's right, and from now on you can forget about wearing pants, woman.

Kazuya: What the f-

Lee: Watch it, Kazuya, he's our boss, remember.

Igataki: If you guys want to become a hit, you're going to have to give the viewers what they want, and the viewers, being horny guys who can't score, or horny guys who miraculously do score and yet are still disturbingly obsessed with ficticious characters, want cheap sex. So I give it to them. Because I am an artist.

Kazuya To think he calls that crap 'art'...

Igataki: But let's not forget, this will still be a classy show. By the way, what color underwear will you be wearing?

Jun: Uh, I...

Kazuya: That son of a-

Lee: Kazuya. Think of the ratings.

Kazuya: Is this really what a series has to stoop to in order to be successful these days?

Igataki: And let's not forget our volleyball special, people.

Heihachi: Volleyball special?

Igataki: Sometime in the summer, we'll make up some gimmick where we get the characters playing volleyball in swimsuits, just as a way to make a quick profit.

Kazuya: Uh, I don't think you want to see this old man in a swimsuit.

Igataki: I wasn't talking about you guys. Ugh, who would want to see a bunch of half naked men? It'll only feature the women, they'll just walk around in their bikinis looking pretty for the camera, and there won't be any focus on volleyball.

Jun: I don't think I'd really feel comfortable doing that...

Igataki: Hey, you, baby maker, was I asking for your opinion? You're supposed to giggle and jiggle, nothing else. Dear god, what made you people decide to leave the kitchen...

Kazuya: Okay, that is it! I have had enough of this crap! Get the hell out of here!

Igataki: Who do you think you are to talk to me like that, you piece of trash, I could buy and sell your ass in a minute!

(Kazuya grabs Igataki by the neck)

Kazuya: I've gotten really tired of listening to this, and I don't care how much of a fancy show you might have, we're not going to sit here and let you turn our series into brainless filth!

(Lee grabs Kazuya from behind)

Lee: Forget it, Kazuya, he's...he's not worth it.

Kazuya: .............you're right. He ain't.

(throws Igataki to the ground)

Igataki: .......yeah......that's what I thought........you should know your place, you stinking...

Heihachi: Security!

(a dozen Tekken Force soldiers come out)

Heihachi: Have this man escorted off the property.

Igataki: (being dragged off) You bastards can't do this to me! I'm Tobonomu Igataki! You're nothing! You'll never be as good as my show! Never!

Lee: That guy has one hell of an inferiority complex.

Kazuya: Yeah, but he made me realize something. Sure, all the flash and gimmicks, that's what most people seem to want, but there are still a few people out there who care about it for the art that it really is. And that's what this series is all about, the art, that's something that a guy like Igataki could never understand.

Heihachi: You're absolutely right, my son.

Kazuya: I wasn't talking to you. (throws Heihachi off a cliff)

Jun: That's my Kazuya!

(everyone laughs)

*End of Chapter 8*

......I hope I didn't offend anyone in this chapter. Though I probably did. If you happen to be fans of any other fighting series, I certainly hope that you don't take something like this personally. It's just that the men behind even the greatest of games can often be.....well, if you've ever read interviews with a guy who this character was *loosely* based off of (the 'Tekken 4 is a piece of ****' is my favorite remark), then you might understand where I'm coming from with this.