Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ I'm Getting Tired of These Stupid Titles ( Chapter 16 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

(Kazuya is reading the paper when Jinpachi comes in)
Jinpachi: Good evening, Kazuya.
Kazuya: What do you want, meathead?
Jinpachi: I just wanted to see what my grandson was doing.
Kazuya: Huh? Why the hell do you suddenly care, I haven't seen you in...I don't even remember seeing you before.
Jinpachi: I know I haven't been the best grandfather in the world, and being locked in a basement for the past several decades, I haven't exactly had the time to show you any attention, but I'd like to try to make it up to you. Hey, why don't we go out into the backyard and toss around the old football?
Kazuya: ...
(Kazuya throws Jinpachi off a cliff)
(audience laughs)
(Jin comes out of his room)
Kazuya: Where you goin', boy?
Jin: I'm going to the library to study, I have a really important test tomorrow.
Kazuya: A test? Forget that, you know your great grandfather gave me an idea...
Jin: Great grandpa Jinpachi? He's still alive?
Kazuya: Never mind that, the point is he made me realize something, I know I've been the best father in the world, but being dead at the bottom of a volcano for the past couple decades, I haven't exactly had the time to show you any attention...
Jin: ...Dad, you came back after you were cloned by G-Corporation and have been living with us for years, and you still don't show me any attention.
Kazuya: That's because I hate you. But I'm beginning to see that something like that really doesn't matter, because a great father should shower his son with lov...respec...tolerance, no matter how much of a disappointment he is.
Jin: ...what are you saying, Dad?
Kazuya: I'm sayin', boy, you and your old man are going out and getting drunk!
(at Marshall's Topless Bar)
Jin: Hey look, it's Tekken's most popular character, Mokujin!
(audience cheers)
Mokujin(who, for the sake of plotholes, can suddenly speak): Hey guys, check out my date!
Jin: ...that's a log.
Mokujin: It's the sexiest log you've ever seen! You should see this baby in the bedroom!
Jin: You had sex with that?
Mokujin: Yeah. There's a knothole, right here. I just stick-
Kazuya: I don't want to hear this shit!
Mokujin: Your loss. It's pretty hot. I just wish I could get these splinters out of my-
Kazuya: Get out of here, you sick wood-humping son of a bitch!
Mokujin: Hey, don't judge it until you've tried it.
Kazuya: Go find us somewhere to sit, boy.
Mokujin: You can sit with us at the unoriginal bastards table. (points to a table seating Tetsujin, Combot, Unknown, Charade, and Puff Daddy)
Kazuya: Uh, I'll pass.
Jin: Dad, that table has a couple seats open.
(Gon, who's sitting at the table Jin is indicating, waves)
(Kazuya pretends not to notice)
(Kazuya and Jin sit down at the bar)
Kazuya: I'll just have a Scotch.
Jin: Water, please.
Kazuya: ...are you trying to embarrass me? Do you really hate me that much?
Jin: ...on second thought, make that water with ice.
Kazuya: Son of a bitch...look, you're here with your old man, now you're gonna drink like a man!
Jin: Oh. Then I'll have a Zima.
(Kazuya glares at Jin)
Jin: Hey Dad, why's the bartender wearing a Jaguar mask?
Kazuya: Probably just some freaky sex thing, they must be turning this place into some SM bar or something, check out that one kid wearing leather chaps.
Jin: Hwoarang?
Kazuya: ...you know him?
Jin: Yeah, he goes to-
Kazuya: I don't want to hear about your alternate lifestyle!
(The bartender serves Kazuya and Jin their drinks)
Kazuya: You know, I remember when I first went out to drink with my old man, we got so drunk we...I'm not exactly sure what happened...I think we went out to the Mishima Zaibatsu bowling alley...which isn't exactly safe when you're drunk...at least to people around you...might've killed Boskonovitch that night, actually...I ran into some really easy women that night, can't remember any of their names though...I think one was...uh...something like Kun, or Ju...oh yeah. Hey, did I ever tell you how I met your mother?
(an hour later)
Kazuya: ...so the bartender says"and what will you have to drink", and the woman says"give me something hard" so then the bartender says..."okay, as soon as I get on break, but I still need to know what you'll have to drink."
(Kazuya starts laughing)
(a few hours later)
Kazuya: So then the Rabbi says...did you just see a dinosaur wearing boxing gloves go by?
Jin: ...no, Dad.
Kazuya: (looks at his drink) What the hell is in this stuff?
(several hours later)
Kazuya: ...
Jin: Dad...are you okay?
Kazuya: ...
Jin: You haven't said anything for the past couple of hours...
Kazuya: ...boy, I want you to listen to what I'm about to say very carefully.
Jin: What, Dad?
(Kazuya takes another drink)
Kazuya: Women...like...sex. They just pretend they don't. And it's all our fault. You see, women are complimented by men for their looks all the time...well, not so much complimented as hit on or sexually harrassed. But those one-liners and leering glances instill in them a sense of power, because they have something special. Something that ultimately makes them the dominant predator of this world.
Jin: What do you mean?
Kazuya: You know how it is when you ask a girl out?
Jin: She turns me down.
Kazuya: That's right. But if a girl asked you out...
Jin: You mean like Xiayou?
Kazuya: ...no, not Norma Bates. I mean a real girl.
Jin: Oh. Then I'd accept!
Kazuya: Right. I'd kick your ass if you didn't. But that sort of thing hasn't happened, has it?
Jin: ...no.
Kazuya: That's right. And it never will. You see, if a woman walked right up to any random guy and asked if he wanted to have sex, he'd say yes. If a man asked the same thing of a woman, he'd have the outline of a hand imprinted on his face.
Jin: ...there are women who do that?
Kazuya: No. Not when sober. Because women know better than that. Their, uh...'companionship'...it's a gift. And they're smart enough to know not to just hand it out to people like, uh...like some...uh...I think I...I think I should stop drinking...maybe one more wouldn't hurt...but, uh...what the hell was I saying?
Jin: You were talking about women who have sex with random people, Dad!
Kazuya: ...was I? That reminds me, that time your mother wanted to do it on your bed...
Jin: You had sex on my bed?
Kazuya: ...yeah...yeah, turned her on or something, she's like, uh...sometimes your mother, you know...I mean you noticed, right? Once she gets a little alcohol, she's like a...
Jin: That's my mom!
Kazuya: It is? Huh...then who the hell are you?
Jin: I'm your son!
Kazuya: ...I have a son?
Jin: Dad, about women...
Kazuya: Oh, right, women...you see...women...like...sex. They just pretend-
Jin: ...you said that already, Dad.
Kazuya: ...yeah, I knew that. I just...what didn't I say?
Jin: I don't know.
Kazuya: Shut up, don't interrupt me when I'm talking...you see, women, they know that if they just sleep with a guy, then that power they hold over them is...did I explain this part already?
Jin: No.
Kazuya: Okay...it's like, men only care to try out what a woman has once, it's like when you go to the theater, you ain't gonna pay another 8 to see the same movie, so once he sleeps with a woman, the man leaves her. Usually with half his stuff. (starts laughing)
Jin: But you married Mom.
Kazuya: Yeah. But because of you. You had to be born and ruin my life. Which is why I hate you.
Jin: Sorry, Dad...
Kazuya: That's what you always say when I bring that up, but sorry doesn't make child support disappear. But enough about how much I hate you. We were talking about sex with, uh...
Jin: Women, Dad.
Kazuya: You sure? You're not into guys?
Jin: No, Dad.
Kazuya: Huh...'cause you always kind of came off as a fruit to me...
Jin: I like girls, Dad.
Kazuya: Huh...I'm just asking, because it's alright if you are, you know, especially since I was kinda expecting it and stuff, you're not exactly a real man like your father. Hell, I'd even recommend it if you do go that way, it's like hanging out with your buddies. Except you have sex with them.
Jin: Can we just get back to talking about women, Dad?
Kazuya: You mean Panda?
Jin: I think you had a bit too much to drink, Dad.
Kazuya: I think I had too much to drink three hours ago, but that ain't stopping me.
Jin: ...Dad, uh, about Mom...you kind of say stuff about her a lot, but you do love her, don't you?
Kazuya: ...you really think I'm gonna say yes? I ain't that drunk.
(audience laughs)
Announcer: Kazuya Knows Best will be right back after this commercial break!
Bryan: (looking at camera) Hey, you need money, but everyone else has turned you down because of your credit? Then call Fury Loan Offices. We make it our business to keep you in business, with no questions asked. And we expect the same of you. No matter what your problem is, we'll always provide you with a loan. No money? We'll see to it that you find any means possible to pay us. Some bitch has been squealing on you and your friends? We'll take care of him. Killed a guy? Who am I to judge? So come on over to Fury Loan Offices, where we're always willing to lend a hand. I just better get my money on time, because I swear on the grave of my ex-wife who died in an unrelated accident that I had no involvement in, if you don't pay me on time, I am gonna personally fu-
Announcer: Fury Loan Offices, located in the back of the liquor store next to the Hooker Heaven Strip Club.
Announcer: And now back to Kazuya Knows Best!
Kazuya: Anyway, about women, uh...I was talking about complimenting them earlier, right?
Jin: Right.
Kazuya: Yeah, don't do that. You have to criticize them, but make sure to do it in a seemingly considerate way. You know, 'constructive criticism' and all that shit. "I don't care if you've gained a bit of weight, there's just more of you to love." "So what if other guys find you unattractive, I think you're beautiful." "Just looking at your face makes me nauseous. But I still love you." You see, women are very criticical of themselves, always paying attention to every physical imperfection, and all you gotta do is point them out, while going on with crap about how you love them, and they'll begin thinking about how ugly they are while believing you care about them, which makes them wonder how they were lucky enough to find someone like you.
Jin: Dad, that's...that's horrible.
Kazuya: Oh, don't get all feminist on me, I'm not the only one who uses that shit! Have you even seen a family sitcom before? Usually there's a fat blimp who does stupid shit every episode, and he's married to some beautiful woman who runs the whole house without thanks, and you want to tell me those guys got the women because their wives were actually attracted to them?
Jin: Why wouldn't they be attra...well, uh...they could just be...Maybe they just loved them for what they were on the inside.
Kazuya: ...that's the biggest pile of bullshit I ever heard. Women care about looks just as much as men do, they're just expected to say otherwise.
Jin: Women aren't shallow like men, Dad. They don't care what a man looks like, all they care about is if he's sensitive, caring, and considerate.
Kazuya: And your mother found all those traits in me.
Jin: ...good point.
Kazuya: Look, women are the enemy. You see, it's like the Trojan war. They're the Trojans, and we're the Greeks. They're all holed up in their city of Tron, hoarding their, uh...you know, they don't let us have sex with them and stuff, so we have to invade and conquer everything and...shit, it's uh, you know, on account of the fact that they've got that whole thing when they're 'late', PBS or something...
Jin: Dad, I think you drink too much.
(Heihachi comes running into the bar)
Heihachi: Kazuya, I can't find my gauntlets, have you seen them?
Charade: (waves at Heihachi) Hey, Edge Master, we saved a seat for you!
Kazuya: What the hell? You're supposed to be dead, old man!
Heihachi: Yes, in the Tekken series, however I've just been signed to make an appearance in Soul Calibur 3, so I have set out on a journey to once again search for the legendary blade!
Kazuya: ...that's great. Uh, just one thing, how exactly do you intend to go back in time in order to appear in a game that happened centuries ago?
Heihachi: Why, that shall be the easy part! Ling Xiayou has informed me that she is building a time machine as we speak!
Kazuya: ...Ling Xiayou. That kid's building a time machine.
Heihachi: That's right!
Kazuya: ...oh man...let...let me get this straight...you're going to search for a sword with an eyeball so you can battle giant lizards and medival dominatrixes by going back in time by means of a time machine. Built by Ling Xiayou.
Heihachi: Yes.
Kazuya: (turns to Jin) No, boy. I don't drink enough.
I think I've just seen the stupidest thing of all time. That I haven't written, I mean. A commercial for a movie called Paparazzi. From what I can tell, the plot's basically about a man (a celebrity, no doubt) who loses his family to a tragic paparazzi accident(an all-too common occurrence), so he decides to stand up and fight for the oppressed, botax-injected, millionaire celebrities who suffer everywhere, by hunting down these vicious photographers and their evil cameras of death. I'm guessing that's pretty much the whole movie from then on, he goes around killing photographers. Doesn't exactly sound as exciting as The Killer or Hard Target. Because they have cameras. What's the worst they could do, take a picture of his bad side? The whole movie seems to be aimed at celebrities, since they're really the only ones who care. You know, I never once heard the issue of Paparazzi brought up during the past election. That's sad, how ignorant people are of this problem. Maybe if they could see what celebrities have to go through, then they'd understand. I already do, I can't even go outside without being followed by those bastards.
I've never even seen Tekken 5 in any arcades, and I'm making several references to it. I apologize if Jinpachi is a little out of character as a result.
I'm not a brave man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete coward. It's just that in certain circumstances, I might seem fearless. I kind of have a unique form of fear. Basically, if I've seen a movie where the hero makes it out okay, I'd think I could handle being in the same situation. For example, if I found myself with a gun to the head, I'd probably have my brains splattered on the wall after trying to grab the gun out of the guy's hand.
I'm going to die doing something really, really stupid. I'm already aware of that. I'm just wondering when, by what means, and how much work will be needed to make my remains presentable.