Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ It Gets Funny at This Point, I Promise ( Chapter 17 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

(Kazuya and Jun are sitting in the living room)

Jun: (notices Kazuya reading an ad) What's that, Kazuya?
 
Kazuya: It's some charity organization, for a good cause, or something.
 
Jun: (reads) The Foundation to Cure Male Baldness?
 
Kazuya: Don't act like it's not something that could affect you too.
 
Jun: ....Kazuya, how could women suffer from mal-
 
Kazuya: Shut up and go make me a sandwich!
 
Jun: I don't want you to spoil your appetite, Kazuya, right now I'm making some cookies! (goes into kitchen)
 
Kazuya: .....cookies....again....like yesterday.....and the day before......you know, you'd think by now she'd at least have made a damn cake or something.........but just cookies....always with the f-
 
(Lee comes in carrying a tape recorder)
 
Kazuya: What the hell are you doing in my house?
 
Lee: (ignoring Kazuya) Hello, everyone, and welcome to another exciting episode of Lee Knows Best! (plays applause sound)
 
Kazuya: What the hell are you doing in my house?
 
Lee: Oh, hey Kazuya! (plays sound of audience booing)
 
Kazuya: ...what is that?
 
Lee: Oh, sorry, Kazuya. I guess you're just not a very popular character. (plays laugh track)
 
Kazuya: Get out. Now.
 
Lee: Alright, I'm going...right after this commercial break!
 
Kazuya: .....why are you staring at the wall?
 
Lee: It's the camera, right now this show is being broadcast nationwide!
 
Kazuya: ...I thought you said you were off LSD.
 
Lee: Of course I.....look, that's not the point. You just can't stand the fact that I have countless fans watching my hilarious daily adventures.
 
Kazuya: Oh, right. There's nothing I'd love more than to have my life portrayed as some kind of stupid sitcom. Do you think that if the shit that happens to me everyday was written by someone, I wouldn't have killed them by now?
 
Lee: Life is what you make of it, Kazuya. I could've tried to pursue a future in the Mishima Zaibatsu instead of wasting every night going out to parties with easy women and-
 
Kazuya: And pretending you star in your own sitcom.
 
Lee: Yeah.
 
Kazuya: .....Lee, have you ever considered getting a job?
 
Lee: Of course I have, Kazuya, I'm just trying to get a job in management.

Kazuya: Management. You know that they don't just give those kinds of jobs to anyone off the street...
 
Lee: D'oh! (plays laugh track) Then I guess I'll just wait until you and Dad die, then I can become president of the company.
 
Kazuya: Oh, that'd be wonderful, then you could take the company into the future, experimenting on professional fighting robots and boxing animals and all that shit....
 
Lee: (oblivious to sarcasm) Yeah, exactly!
 
Kazuya: Don't count on it. When I start getting old, I'm going to make sure the Zaibatsu goes bankrupt, so everyone I leave behind can suffer. I don't like to share.
 
Lee: Oh. I guess I'll just stick with my show then.
 
Kazuya: Whatever, just go do it in your own place.
 
Lee: But my home doesn't have cameras in the walls.
 
Kazuya: What cameras? There's nothing there! All I see is someone whose cranium might be suffering from Salmonella!
 
Lee: What's that supposed to mean?
 
Kazuya: It means, you're a meathead!
 
(audience applauds. Just to be polite)
 
Lee: You're still doing that?
 
Kazuya: It...it used to be funny...
 
Lee: Used to.
 
Kazuya: .....GET THE HELL OUT! (shoves Lee out the door)
 
Kazuya: A camera....that stupid son of a bitch.....it's just a f..........
 
(Kazuya stares at the wall closely)
 
(Jun comes out of the kitchen)
 
Kazuya: .......
 
Jun: .......
 
Kazuya: ........
 
Jun: Kazuya? What are you-
 
Kazuya: Shhh! I think I just saw something move!
 
Jun: .......Kazuya, that's a mirror.
 
Kazuya: Yeah, and I remember what happened the last time I thought something was a mirror...
 
(doorbell rings)
 
Kazuya: Jun, get the door! (goes back to staring at the wall)
 
(Jun opens the door)
 
Jun: Can I help you?

Generic Man: Good day, madam. Is there a Kazuya Mishima here?
Jun: He's right over there.
Kazuya: (staring at the wall)
 
Man: Mr. Mishima?
 
Kazuya: ......
 
Man: Mr. Mishima, I'm sorry to take up your time...
 
Kazuya: ......
 
Man: ...but I've been ordered to give you this subpoena.
 
Kazuya: (turns away from the wall) WHAT?
 
Man: There's a lawsuit being filed against Namco, and you've been asked to come to court as a witness.
 
Kazuya: Wha....why the hell do I have to show up? Why couldn't they have just gotten that old meathead to come instead, he's been in every game in the series! I don't even see why I should waste my time helping those bastards, they killed me off in Tekken 3!
 
Man: Yes, I apologize for this inconvenience. Good day, sir. (leaves)
 
Kazuya: I can't believe this....I cannot fu-
 
Jun: Don't worry, Kazuya, I can save the cookies for later.

Kazuya: .....Jun, if they just lifted the death penalty for one freakin' day...
 
(Kazuya puts his coat on)
 
Jun: Where are you going?
 
Kazuya: Namco Headquarters, we can eat when I get back.......assuming I even bother coming home this time...
 
(Kazuya looks for his wallet)
 
Kazuya: ....where the.....I put it here somewhere......damn it, that bastard took it again!
 
Jun: What's wrong, Kazuya?
 
Kazuya: My wallet, it has a security pass in it I need in order to get inside the building! Do you know where that son of a bitch Lee is?
 
Jun: He told me earlier he had to go to the doctor today.
 
Kazuya: Doctor? Why'd he.....no....I don't even want to know about his medical history...
 
Announcer: Kazuya Knows Best will be right back after these important messages!
 
Announcer: Now, for the first time ever, you can own the entire first season of Britain's most popular series, All in the Williams Family!
 
Anna: Oy, 'ave you been wearin' me frock?
 
Nina: Why I got reason to be lookin' like a bleedin' wench?
 
(Audience laughs)
 
Announcer: With this special offer, you can have all five hilarious episodes on VHS for just $19.95!
 
Anna: You little sod, I've a right mind ta knock ya on your fanny!
 
Nina: Why you gotta be gettin' me knickers in a bunch?

(Audience laughs)
 
Announcer: Order in the next five minutes and receive a free Cricket raquet!
 
Steve: Mum, I been gettin' 'ammered at the local pub, 'ave you any vittles?
 
Nina: You tellin' me you been actin' like a complete wanker an' you want some grub?
 
(Audience laughs)
 
Announcer: See the series renowned for being more stereotypical and cliche than any other!
 
Steve: (walks in naked) Excuse me govnah, but I seem ta be catchin' a draft!
 
Nina: Why you little sod, when we be 'avin' company! Off ta bed with ya!
 
(Audience laughs)
 
Announcer: This collection is in limited supply, so call now!
 
Announcer: And now back to Kazuya Knows Best!
 
(at the local VD clinic)
 
Doctor: So have you been experiencing anything out of the ordinary lately? Any trouble during urination?
 
Lee: No, it's just really been starting to itch on my-
 
Kazuya: (comes running in) Lee, have you seen my wallet?
 
Lee: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Here it is. (gives Kazuya back his wallet)
 
Kazuya: Why do you keep stealing my wallet?
 
Lee: Took. I TOOK your wallet. It's not stealing if you return it. Why did I TAKE your wallet. Good question. A question, however, that you did not ask, so I see no reason to answer it.
 
Kazuya: (checks his wallet) Where's all my money?
 
Lee: ....okay, so I've been stealing money from you. But for the record, I've been returning the wallet.
 
Kazuya: Damn it, Lee! You're the last one that can be trusted with anyone's money!
 
Lee: Hey, it's not like I'm stupid or something!
 
Kazuya: Yes. You are.
 
(FLASHBACK)
 
Kazuya: Now, as you can all see by lookin at the chart, there's been a 50% decrease in profit in our cocai-
 
Lee: 50%? That's......let's see.....1 is 100%, so then, uh, it'd be 50% minus....no, wait....100% minus 50%, and that'd be....50%....I think....no, that's not....is it?......uh.....yeah, 100 minus 50 equals.....yeah, 50....so that's 50%......and, 50%, that's.....100 minus 50 equals 50, so that's...about half, I think.....let's see.....50 times 2 is, uh.....100.....so, uh, that's 50% times 2%...no, it's.....is that times 2% or is it just 2.....wait........no.....I think....maybe.....2%, I guess....so that's 50% times 2% equals......uh.......100%! Yeah, so then, times 2%, that means it's half, I think.........let's see.....(pulls out calculator)
 
(END FLASHBACK)
 
Lee: ...I'm just not good at Algebra.
 
Kazuya: .......shit, you and Jun really are perfect for each other...
 
Lee: Where are you going?
 
Kazuya: I have to have a talk with those assholes at Namco, some shit about a lawsuit. (leaves)
 
Lee: A lawsuit? I hope it has nothing to do with that kid, Mihara or something,
she told me she was 18.
 
(Lee turns to the doctor)
 
Lee: So are we finished here yet?
 
Doctor: Almost, first I'm going to be needing a urine samp-
 
Lee: After this morning with Nina? No thanks, I'm drained!
 
Doctor: Then I-
 
Lee: There's no water coming out of this tunnel!
 
Doctor: That's-
 
Lee: This well is tapped!
 
Doctor: I still-
 
Lee: It'd hate to be a farmer, because it looks like there's not going to be any rai-

Doctor: That's quite enough.
 
Lee: ...sorry.
 
Doctor: I'll just need one more thing of you.
 
Lee: What?
 
Doctor: How many fingers am I holding up?
 
Lee: ....could you take off the boxing gloves first?
 
Doctor Boskonovitch: No. It must be with the boxing gloves.
 
(End of Chapter 17)
 
I'll never forget that time when I went to the grocery store with my dad, and he got, of all things, a loaf of French bread. Which he expected me to carry. A loaf of bread.
...how cliche could you get? Of course I shoved it back into his hands. I could've just left it at that and carried the damn thing, but who's to say he wouldn't have taken it further? Next we'd probably drive out to the bank, and withdraw a couple of those bags of money with dollar signs on them. Then we could go home and play a damn board game. Monopoly, there's one that no one mentions every second. After that, we could go fishing and I could catch an old boot or a tire. Then we'd quote lines from the Austin Powers movies, because we all know that never gets old. In case you can't tell yet, I hate cliches. Then at some point we'd get in a fight and he'd hit me, and when someone saw the mark on my face, my dad would say, 'he fell'.......god, that line is so cliche............wait.....I used that one....
 
There are two kinds of people who can make you laugh, writers and comedians. The difference is comedians don't need half an hour ahead of time to think of something funny to say.

Chapter 16
Chapter 18
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