Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar? ❯ Chapter 1

What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar?
by Makavelli (makaveli_580@hotmail.com)

A/n: It's so mind-bogglingly obvious. Err... either that or I need to lay off on the Benadryll...

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Klondike Bars or Tekken. Duh.

[The camera focuses on Jin, who looks beaten up pretty bad, and has various bandages all over and is using crutches.]

Jin: Hi. I'm Jin Kazama, and the "good" people at Good Humor - Breyer's Ice Cream company have hired me to do a series of commercials to bring back that old "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" set of ......... commercials... along with my fellow Tekkeners. Hey, is "Tekkeners" even a word?

[...Well, if it wasn't already, it is now.]

Jin: ...Right. Anyways, they sent me out with a box of Klondike bars and a cameraman. You are about the witness the horrific results of this....

[With that, the screen fades to black, and...]

Commercial Attempt #1: Hwoarang

Jin: (holding up a box of Klondike bars) Hwoarang Doo San, what would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?

Hwoarang: Dunno. And that's not my last name.

Jin: Would you............. moo like a cow?

Hwoarang: No.

Jin: Bark like a dog?

Hwoarang: No.

Jin: Cluck like a chicken?

Hwoarang: What the hell's up with all the farm-animal references?

Jin: Uhh... well... what WOULD you do for a Klondike bar, then?

Hwoarang: ...I... don't... know... can't... resist... kleptomaniac tendencies... YOINK! (he grabs the Klondike bar and runs off, laughing evilly)

Jin: ...Ooookay... O_o

Commercial Attempt #2 - Julia Chang

Jin: Ah! Julia Chang! What would YOU do................ for a Klondike bar?! (he holds a Klondike bar out for her to see)

Julia: Umm... I don't know...

Jin: Would you............... moo like a cow?

Julia: (eyes get big and teary) ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT LIKE A COW?!

Jin: No! No! Would you, umm... bark like a dog?

Julia: ARE YOU SAYING I'M AS UGLY AS A DOG?!

Jin: NO! (getting desperate) Uh, uh, would you cluck like a chicken?

Julia: NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME A CHICKENHEAD?!

Jin: (confused) What the hell does that mean?

Julia: YOU'RE CALLING ME A HOE! A FAT, UGLY HOE! (she runs off crying)

Jin: (blink blink) Uhh...

Commercial Attempt #3 - Kazuya Mishima

Jin: (holds up a Klondike bar) Okay, Dad--uhh, I mean, Kazuya Mishima--what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Kazuya: Get a dollar and buy one. (walks off)

Jin: ..........................Dammit. CUT!!

Commercial Attempt #4 - Paul Phoenix

Jin: Paul Phoenix, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Paul: I think the real question is, "What would the Klondike bar do for ME?" Y'see, Jin, it's all about keeping your priorities straight. Ya gotta look out for numero one-oh.

Jin: Okay...

Paul: And if the Klondike bar would somehow get me fame, women, power, and/or money... well, then... I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR IT. I'D EVEN ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT AND SELL OUR MILITARY SECRETS TO CHINA. (he begins to foam at the mouth)

Jin: O_o (edging away) Right, right..... uhh.... HEY LOOK A COMMIE!! (he points in a random direction)

Paul: WHERE'S THE RED?!?! (he turns and looks)

Jin: (takes this opportunity to run off)

Commercial Attempt #5 - Nina Williams

Jin: (holding out a Klondike bar) Okay, Nina Williams, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Nina: Anything. And, Jin..... I do mean........ ANYTHING. (she leers at him)

Jin: ....................... (starts edging away)

Nina: Wait! Don't run! I'm just lonely! A woman needs some attention too, you know!

Jin: ....................... (he runs away)

Commercial Attempt #6 - Eddy Gordo

Jin: Eddy Gordo, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Eddy: Klondike bar? Man, I'd kill for one of those.

Jin: O_O (Jin shoves the whole box into his hands) Take-it-all-just-please-don't-hurt-me-I-don't-have-any-money-well-fifty-cen ts-but-I'm-too-young-to-DIE!! (with that, he runs off)

Eddy: (obviously confused) Oookay..... uhh.... thanks..... I think....

Commercial Attempt #7 - Bryan Fury

Jin: Bryan Fury, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Bryan: I'd beat it up Lei and take it from him.

Jin: Okay.

Bryan: (considering) ........In fact, I'd KILL HIM for a Klondike bar…

Jin: Right, right.....

Bryan: I'd shove his face into a concrete wall, break a metal trashcan over his head, pour gasoline on him, burn him up, then take his burned corpse and tie it up like a pinata and beat it.

Jin: O_o Here.... you just..... you just take it. (cautiously, Jin hands Bryan the Klondike bar)

Bryan: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Commercial Attempt #8 - Anna Williams

Jin: Now, Anna Williams...... what would you do...... for a Klondike bar? (he dangles the Klondike bar)

Anna: Whatever you want me to, sweetie. (she wiggles her eyebrow suggestively)

Jin: ................ (starts edging away)

Anna: Wait! Don't run! I'm just lonely! A woman needs some attention too, you know!

Jin: ................ (runs away)

Commercial Attempt #9 - Christie Monterio

Jin: Okay. Christie Monterio, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Christie: Walk to the freezer and get one.

Jin: Uhh....

Christie: Are we done here?

Jin: Yeah.

Christie: Okay then. (walks offscreen)

Commercial Attempt #10 - Baek Doo San

Jin: So, Baek, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Baek: I'd teach an idiot Tae Kwon Do.

Jin: Uhh, didn't you already do that?

Baek: Yeah... so give me one already!

Jin: Okay, okay, yeesh... (he gives Baek the Klondike bar)

Commercial Attempt #11- Tiger Hasnolastname

Jin: Okay now. Tiger, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Tiger: Disco Tiger would disco all night, baby, YEAH! (he thrusts his hips)

Jin: O_o Okay.......

Tiger: Disco Tiger would even disco with the Chinese chick, baby, YEAH! (he thrusts his hips again)

Jin: O_o Okay.......

Tiger: Disco Tiger thinks you should give him the damn Klondike bar before he busts out his Capoeira moves on you, baby, YEAH! (he thrusts his hips again)

Jin: (had walked off a minute ago, and is now gone)

Tiger: ............................

Commercial Attempt #12 - King II

Jin: Okay, so, King, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

King: (shrugs)

Jin: (gets a big smile on his face) Would you.......... ROAR LIKE A JAGUAR?

King: ................... (he shakes his head)

Jin: ................. (eye twitches) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! (he throws down the box and stomps off)

Commercial Attempt #13 - Jun Kazama

Jin: Alright now. Mom........ Jun Kazama...... what would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Jun: .............Blackmail.

Jin: Wha?

Jun: You know, Jinny, I DO still have that fourth-grade school play on tape.....

Jin: MOM!

Jun: Nobody has to know you played the-

Jin: FINE! (shoves the Klondike bar into her hands, mumbling under his breath)

Jun: ^_^ Sankyuu Jinny!

Commercial Attempt #14 - Lei Wulong

Jin: Lei Wulong, what would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?

Lei: Arrest you.

Jin: What? How would that--

Lei: FWEEZE!! (he handcuffs Jin and takes the box of Klondike bars) I'm taking you down to the station for pushing these things. And I'm just going to take these for....... evidence........ (shifty eyes)

Commercial Attempt #15 - Ganryu Alsohasnolastname

Jin: Ganryu! My main man! What would you do for a Klondike b--

Ganryu: FOOOOODDD!! (he runs at Jin)

Jin: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! HERE! TAKE IT ALL! JUST DON'T EAT MEEEEEEEEE!! (throws Ganryu a box of Klondike bars and runs off)

Commercial Attempt #16 - Steve Fox

Jin: Okay, Steve Fox, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Steve: This. (he punches Jin in the stomach rather hard)

Jin: (doubles over, wheezing)

Steve: (takes the Klondike bar and calmly walks off)

Commercial Attempt #17 - Ling Xiaoyu

Jin: (holds up a Klondike bar) Ling Xiaoyu, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Xiaoyu: OMG! You're offering me a Klondike bar?! That is soooo sweet of you Jin-Jin I mean you're always considerate of other people and that's why I like you and umm you like me too right or else there wouldn't be so many Xiaoyin fanfics now would there and OMG are you going to ask me out now huh????

Jin: Here. Just take it and go away. (he hands her the Klondike bar and walks off)

Commercial Attempt #18 - Heihachi Mishima

Jin: (presents the Klondike bar to Heihachi) Grandpa--err, Heihachi Mishima--what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Heihachi: … (he makes a hand signal and Tekken Force soldiers beat the crap out of Jin, one of them taking the Klondike bar and handing it to him) That.

Jin: (knocked out) ................ [The screen fades out and goes back to the beaten Jin.]

Jin: There. Now you know how it's be's goin' down hizere. Oh, yeah, one last thing... I QUIT!! (he hobbles offscreen)