Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Bathroom Blues ❯ Bathroom Blues ( One-Shot )

A/n: Author has fallen in love with the butler's and Chaosbfly's writing styles. (Fangirls in a corner quietly so the boss in the office hears nothing)

 

Bathroom Blues

 

An odd thing greeted him.

 

Correction, it wasn't so much an odd thing as it was a perfectly normal thing in a perfectly abnormal place. Or rather, a perfectly normal place, just not perfectly normal for the perfectly normal thing.

 

Kudoh Yohji liked things to be perfectly normal during the three hour daze that tended to surround him after rolling out of bed at 1:47 in the afternoon. And since perfectly normal Thing 1 should not be in perfectly normal Place 2, Yohji decided he didn't like them. Either of them.

 

Such spirally-oblongated reasoning usually served him well in the moments pre-coffee.

 

“What the hell is going on?” A few hours, lots of caffeine and a good flirt or two later, this might have come out as an agitated semi-bellow. Now it was more of a hazy and somewhat dismal moan.

 

Ken grinned up sheepishly. “Oh Yohji. You're awake.”

 

Astounding observational skills that boy has. It's no wonder he's such a marvelous Assassin.

 

“Ken.” Yohji exhaled to compose himself. “Why is there a television on the toilet?”

 

“Well because,” Ken held up a finger in the conventional `Isn't it obvious?' gesture. “It wouldn't fit on the medicine shelf, the sink is leaking and Omi's computer's in the tub.”

 

The older man blinked, not sure if he heard correctly. “Omi's computer,” he repeated.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Is in the tub.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Why is Omi's computer in the tub?”

 

Ken sighed, all but missing the `duh'. “Because Omi needs to finish his project.”

 

God, where was the damn coffee?

 

Yohji stepped over the wires running from the television and promptly tripped over the even thicker wires that said yes, Omi's computer was definitely in the bathtub. He glared at wires, T.V., football game with random yelling in Spanish, Moron watching football game with random yelling in Spanish, bathtub and generally anything in the vicinity. He reached out and grabbed the curtain, yanking it back viciously.

 

Thank God Balinese was never affected by Yohji's morning `Blah'. (`Blah' being the unofficial name for that feeling you get when the world, everyone in it, everyone watching over it, and anyone else you missed is out to get you and makes it their sole mission to deprive you of blessed rest time.)

 

Yohji's inner Assassin, was constantly vigilant, even when Yohji himself was relaxing under the notion of safety in his own damn bathroom. So Balinese leapt back easily, and the dart on a collision course with Yohji's forehead whizzed harmlessly by his left ear. Once the danger was past, Balinese retired to a small corner of the blonde's mind in a `Your turn buddy' sort of way and awaited whenever next he'd have to save the guy's ass.

 

“Uh…” Omi looked ashamed as he pulled his headphones off his ears. “Sorry about that. Reflexes.”

 

Of course Yohji knew that startling Omi was a bad idea. It didn't stop him from being upset. Very upset… pissed off actually. The rapidly brewing Hurricane Kudoh was about to hit land.

 

“You… you're not mad at me are you?”

 

Damn that brat.

 

Yohji deflated, anger evaporating as quickly as it condensed. That was the power of the innocent tear-hinting blink, most heinous and fiendish manipulation tactic ever employed by a human being. And Omi had mastered it perfectly. Inside Omi was smirking, and Yohji knew. And he knew Omi knew he knew. In fact, he knew Ken was probably the only person still totally oblivious to the fact that Omi wielded the BBE* as skillfully as any dart, and as purposefully too.

 

(*Big Blue Eyes)

 

“…coffee.”

 

Yes, coffee would make it all better. Coffee would make the annoying repeating of words in his head go away. And the t.v. would stop taking a crap and the mission control computer would realize that he's spent far too much time on the lather, rinse, repeat.

 

“Here ya go Yo-tan!”

 

And the percolator would stop hiding behind the toothbrushes.

 

Yohji glanced warily down the green mug of steaming blackness: potentially sanity saving, but equally potentially hazardous. The little telegraph in his head started bipping an S.O.S. to Balinese, who flipped him the finger and told him to figure this one out on his own. He sipped experimentally. Caffeine? Check. Any toxic bathroom germs could go merrily skipping right to hell. He downed the rest of the coffee in two swallows or less and held the mug out. Instantly it was refilled. His eyes closed in ecstasy as he brought the mug to his lips.

 

`Good Omi,' he thought. `Nice Omi. Omi make good bartender Omi.'

 

The second shot woke him up enough to get the slightest grip on basic grammar, right as he decided he really didn't want to care. One eye peeped open. The T.V. was still there. And the computer. And the percolator. And the electric skillet that Omi plugged in and… perched on the toilet tank.

 

“I'll have your breakfast in a sec.” Omi was also a master of the electric skillet ever since Ken decided to try cleaning the oven on his own. The stove never knew what hit it.

 

Kudoh Yohji, hunter of the night, winced and backed away. “No thanks. I'll pass.” He made it a point to never eat anything that once resided on any part of the toilet: seat, handle, tank etcetera.

 

“Hey Yohji, would ya move just a little?” Ken craned his neck from his seat just outside the bathroom door. “I can't see the screen.”

 

`Damn you caffeine. You've never let me down before. Why now?'

 

Yohji decided enough was enough. Time to throw in the towel.

 

“Beer.” And once he got marginally sloshed, rum. Then blissful, uncaring inebriation. The blonde playboy began his pilgrimage to the fridge.

 

“Yohji! Wait!” He turned, face clearly saying `Do you really want to mess with this?'. Omi ignored him, having grown quite used to Aya's glares which made Yohji's seem like a baby bunny in comparison. “Don't go in the kitchen.”

 

Kitchen is where Mr. Six-pack lived. Ergo, Kitchen is recommended.

 

The boy continued. “Aya's taking a shower in there.”

 

Scratch that, kitchen is vital.

 

“Well all this stuff's in here. Aya had to take a bath and the kitchen is the only other place with water.”

 

Ah yes. Logic. Logic lounged in hallways and watched football.

 

“Well there is the watering hose in the front, but I think the high school girls would like that too much.”

 

While Malicious wore shorts and played Runescape on Kritiker's time.

 

A shadow fell over the two Weiss.

 

And Fury wore a bath towel.

 

Omi laughed. “I was just kidding Aya!” he exclaimed in a `Don't make me use the BBE' voice.

 

Aya, as usual, eloquently expressed himself with a single, disdainful sniff. He flowed (he never moved any other way) into the bathroom, gracefully reached over the counter and firmly yanked the T.V. cord out.

 

“Oi! I was watching…” Violet eyes flashed. “Hehe… Omi, could you plug this in by you?” Aya plugged his hair dryer in the now-vacated outlet.

 

 

“Sorry Ken-kun, no room.”

 

“Uh Aya? Could you maybe share? I mean, there are two sockets and if you moved it to the top one then I could use the bottom.” Everyone knows that hair dryers have this ridiculously shaped plug that serves no earthly purpose other than taking up two outlets when it only needs one.

 

Yohji watched his teammate-with-a-death-wish impassively.

 

“This,” Aya snarled, “is your fault.”

 

It was too bad Ken didn't have the power of the Big Blue Eyes. His apologetic look did nothing to calm the redhead, and Omi didn't seem to have any intention of helping him out. “But I was just trying to he…”

 

“Say help and I'll slit your throat.” Ken looked down miserably. “First you `experiment to see how many things you can turn on at once before blowing a fuse. THEN,” Aya said the word so that you could hear the italicized caps. “Then you decide to fix the fuse you destroyed.” It would be better if he shouted. The icy monologue was much more terrifying. “Now the only place in the house with electricity is the bathroom.”

 

Finally, explanation.

 

Aya's quiet-yet-terrifying lambasting trailed off as he caught sight of Yohji's face.

 

“…Kudoh?”

 

If possible, Yohji's smile got even wider. He chuckled loudly. “You!” He pointed to the slightly disturbed Fujimiya Aya. “You just made sense!”

 

“Yo-tan? Are you alright?” On the way out the door Yohji ruffled Omi's hair, shot a suggestive smirk at Aya and clapped Ken on the back.

 

“Well, I'm gone back to bed. And after that I'm going to get drunk. Wake me up when we have to kill something.”

 

Heart light, and humming some annoying little tune he heard on the radio, Yohji sauntered off to his room.

 

Aya pronounced his verdict. “Che. Baka.” And he flipped on the hair dryer.

 

Despite only being up for 20 minutes, the blonde snuggled back into his bed and between the blankets, hoping that next time he opened his eyes, life would be just a little less normal.

 

Owari.