Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ In the shadows ❯ chapter 5 ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Mikiya
Author's Note: Hi guys! I'm back. I know it took me a long time to get this chapter done, but RL tends to get into my way quite often lately, so please don't be too angry with me, okay?

There are a few things you must know before you read this chapter, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible:

This chapter is based on a song, "In the shadows" by The Rasmus. It has always been one of those songs that somehow reminded me of Brad, I guess you'll soon know what I mean. This is a song-fiction, but certainly not like most song-fictions I've read. I don't put single lines between my paragraphs, I use most of the lines directly in the text. Call it a different kind of quoting. I'm not sure if you are allowed to do something like this with a song, so if anybody knows about stuff like this please tell me!

I'll include the lyrics at the end of this chapter, so if anybody wants to check which lines I've used you're welcome to go on an little quotation-quest!

Warning: Unlike the other chapters this one is written in the 1st person, a fact which I don't like very much, but which couldn't be done differently, so if you don't like 1st-person stories I apologize for this!

Disclaimer: I own neither the Weiss nor Schwarz boys, nor do I own any single word of the song "In the shadows" by The Rasmus.

Anime/Manga: Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.3K | Visits: 759 | Status: Completed

In the shadows
Chapter 5
 
 
 
No sleep. I haven't closed my eyes for more than five minutes since I've had this vision. It happened only one week ago, I woke up with your name on my lips and the terrible knowledge that what I had seen would happen. As it always does. I was shocked, couldn't breathe and it didn't help at all that I could hear you singing -completely out of tune- in the bathroom. Nagi was out researching something for school and Farfarello had gone shopping, using my credit card to buy whatever he would need for the weekend.
 
Just you and me. I had fallen asleep going over my reports from the last week and then that vision had hit me. I don't often have visions in my dreams and when I do they usually involve things my mind has been preoccupying itself with during the day. And it was true, I had been thinking about you for a considerate amount of time that day. Because I had finally come up with a theory that could explain those strange emotions, which had been plaguing and most of all distracting me for some time then. But that theory is irrelevant now.
 
I know that I won't find no sleep until I'm done with finding the answer. I don't want that vision to happen and at the same time I know that I will be powerless to prevent it. It scares me, scares me more than any teacher at Rosenkreuz ever could. I'm afraid, Schu, I'm utterly, uncharacteristically afraid. I won't be able to stop it.
 
And what makes it even worse is the irrevocable knowledge that it will be me who is going to pull the trigger.
 
I don't want to shoot you, I don't want to do you any harm, no matter how infuriating and troubling you can be at times. It has never once crossed my mind to hurt you, even though Rosenkreuz surely tried to instil such behaviour into me. I hate them. You know that, we all do.
 
What am I going to do now?
 
I got the email this morning. The subject simply stated “Rearrangements concerning Schwarz”, but my heart immediately jumped into my throat, I knew what this meant. One of our team was going back to Rosenkreuz to be retrained. Because they didn't approve of our achievements anymore. They would take him back to Germany to start all over again, including brainwashing and all methods that have proven so damned effective. Whatever you had kept of your original personality would ultimately be erased then. Estet isn't known for its forgiveness, they don't make the same mistake twice.
 
Although we had been together as Schwarz for at least three years at Rosenkreuz, we've only been in the field for half a year and we were still compensating with the new arrangements. Yet they already thought that one of us wouldn't be up to whatever they had in stock for us. I didn't have to read the mail to know whom they would be taking back to Germany.
 
I was right.
 
It was only one sentence and the subject was your name.
 
At least now I have a vague idea what this damned vision is supposed to mean. I still don't like it and for once in my life I won't be able to do it. Even though my vision tells me otherwise. But I won't stop, Schu, I promise, I won't stop before I find the cure for this cancer which is eating me from the inside.
 
We never speak about Rosenkreuz, there is no need for it, we have all been there, we all know what it's like there, what it means to fail at a “school” like Rosenkreuz. “I'd rather die than going back there…” You had joked once, grinning carelessly at me as you always do when something comes up you can't handle. I had nodded at you, not really listening then, my thoughts too caught up in this report I had been reading. You had turned back to your TV programme, one of those silly, hopelessly overrated reality soap operas you love so much. Which irritated me first and kept my mind occupied for a few minutes until I found out why you wouldn't miss more than a show a week: They were supposed to show the real life, if highly exaggerated, something you had never come to know, none of us had. You would bitch about the character's behaviour and tell everybody who would listen how pitiful and laughable those actors were. But when you thought nobody was watching you your eyes would be glued to the TV screen, tracking each and every of their actions. I wonder if Estet would approve of this little quirk if they knew.
 
Probably not. Most certainly not, it would be too much of a personality. God, I'm so tired of this sometimes, those rules, all the `musts' and `you have to', `you're expected to', it's so exhausting to heed to all their calls. It would be easy if it was just myself I had to look after, I've internalised their commands and expectations, they are second nature to me. And yet I often find myself having to think for four people, including myself. I don't mind most of the time. I'm good at what I do and I enjoy being in control.
 
It's times like these when I fell that life has its own twists and turns that I can't influence, even if I use my gift. Sometimes I feel like going down and hide somewhere where nobody could find me. I know a couple of places I could go to where not even They would be able to track me down. Yes, I know, that would be utterly childish and completely irresponsible behaviour. So what?
 
God, I'm thinking rubbish right now, I don't believe it, I'm so disconnected right now. Somehow I know that I'm already haunted by something that hasn't happened yet, as l I have always been, as I will always be. Call it the precog's luck… or should I say curse? The vision, this email… My whole life's centring on you at the moment and I've rarely got time left to plan the next steps in my agenda. Whenever I sit down at my laptop to write the answer for Them this scene pops up in my head, unbidden and completely uncalled for.
 
It's dark, it's raining. It seems we're on a rooftop, high above the city. You're standing with your back towards me, but I can see that you're watching the building opposite of us. You're crouching, pressing yourself against the brick wall behind you, to find a little shelter from the pouring rain I guess. I have the feeling that I've been watching you for quite some time, that I've been waiting in the shadows for my time. To do what? I don't know. But then the vision changes abruptly and I feel the cold steel of my gun in my wet hand. You're staring at me with wide, utterly unbelieving wide eyes and there's a dark spot on your shirt. There are three, indistinct shadows next to you, but I don't pay any attention to them. I keep my eyes on your face, staring back at you, watching how you bring a hand up to your chest and press it against the dark stain. Your lips are silently mouthing something I can't hear and somehow I'm relieved that the rain is drowning out every sound, that I don't have to hear the hurt in your voice that I can see in your eyes. And then your body crumbles to the ground, like a puppet whose strings have been cut.
 
And then it's over.
 
And once again I reel back and gasp. I still don't understand it. Why would I shoot you? Why on earth would I pull a gun on you and pull the trigger? It doesn't make sense. I wouldn't harm you, ever. And you know that. At least I hope you do. You know how hard it has been to put this team together, to balance our strengths against our weaknesses. I've been searching like forever for those talents and I've put a lot of efforts in persuading TPTB that this team deserves a chance. I've been living my whole life at Rosenkreuz for the tomorrows of this team, planning and arranging our freedom. Even before Rosenkreuz I have always known that the future would hold something special for me in stock, though I had never known what exactly that would be. I guess you could say I had been living one step ahead of my own time for all my life.
 
Right until this very vision. For once in my life I am not looking forward. I want time to stop, I want to extract myself from the linear timeline and live somewhere where there is no past nor future, no hurt and pain, no regrets. No rules, regulations, absolutely nothing. Just for once live today and don't think of tomorrow.
 
Once again it is Them who are turning my life upside down. They had started this by taking me in all those years ago, and now they are about to destroy everything I have worked for so hard. And I don't know why. Of course you can be bitchy and it's… well, let's say interesting to work with you, but it works, it always has. We completed our first mission successfully. It didn't go exactly how we planned it, but everybody did their job, nobody broke ranks and we succeeded. You have always been very dutiful when it comes down to a job, I've often marvelled at how you would become serious and all business-like when we did our training missions. You've certainly learned your lessons very well. And they know that, they know what you can do, what you are capable of. Then why take you back and destroy everything they taught you?
 
I don't get it.
 
And then the second mail arrived, only three hours after the first. Sent by one of the few real “friends” I still have at Rosenkreuz. And if the first one had irritated me, this second one almost knocked me out. They didn't want you back in Rosenkreuz to retrain you, they wanted you back to kill you. I don't know when and I sure as hell don't know how it happened, but you've made yourself an enemy in those dark corridors, an enemy powerful (and mad) enough to get you back there to eliminate you permanently. I don't know who is behind that, my contact couldn't (or wouldn't?) tell me.
 
And that's it, Schu, I don't know anymore.
 
And now I really don't know what to do.
 
That's not really much, huh? I bet if I told you that you wouldn't believe me. I know you think I'm infallible; I like to think that too at times. But, just because you see the future doesn't necessarily mean you know how to prevent what you see. You don't suddenly have a voice inside your head that whispers to you what to do and what not to do. Those visions don't come with a master plan that tells you how to react, although I would certainly welcome such a plan.
 
The question which keeps coming back to me is who on earth would go over such length to see you dead? What could you probably have done that somebody would pull all those strings to kill you? We grew up there together and I've been with you at almost every step you took at Rosenkreuz, apart from the occasional rival you didn't get into the way of anybody. That worries me, more than I would like to admit.
 
What am I going to do?
 
They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe, that has been their answer to almost every question I've asked them. Kill the people before they can become a problem to me. But I… To be completely honest to myself, I'd rather kill myself before turning to their slave. I've never been a killer by nature, you know that. I had to learn the hard way that sometimes there is no other way but to obey Them and do whatever They want me to, but that's not who I am. Sometimes I feel I should go and play with the thunder, show Them that I am no longer the powerless and dependant child they once taught. But you don't bite the hand that feeds you. I've got to play along, somehow I just don't want to stay and wait for a wonder. Because, being a precog, I know it's not going to happen. Unless I find a way to save you.
 
Which inevitably brig me back to the question of what am I going to do now?
 
I'm afraid my mind is giving up on me, maybe I should take a walk, get out of here for a moment. I always do that when I want to think something over, walking somehow helps me to think. Lately I've been walking quite often actually, walking in circles, both literally and figuratively. I'm not able to reach any conclusions right now. That's it, I'll take a long, refreshing walk and get my head clear.
 
 
 
 
 
--- to be continued ---
 
 
 
THE RASMUS LYRICS

"In The Shadows"

No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the shadows

In the shadows

They say
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
But I
I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows

In the shadows

In the shadows
I've been waiting