Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Sex, According to Farfarello ❯ One-Shot
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: frk_werewolf 
In which Farfarello decides to give Nagi the 'Sex Talk'. No pairings.
Anime/Manga: Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 08.02.2006 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.1K | Visits: 931 | Status: Completed
In which Farfarello decides to give Nagi the 'Sex Talk'. No pairings.
Anime/Manga: Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 08.02.2006 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.1K | Visits: 931 | Status: Completed
Title: Sex, According to Farfarello
Author: frk_werewolf
Fandom: Weiss Kreuz
Pairing: none
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In which Farfarello decides to give Nagi the 'Sex Talk'.
Notes: I was tired of Omi getting the sex talk. Nagi needs it too! Also, this is on crack. Nothing much else to it.
"And in international news, the Pope is now speaking out against sex education in the school system." The reporter announced. Farfarello watched, eye narrowed, as the screen shifted to show the Pope.
Hmmm. The Pope, the leader of the Christian people, was against sex education. Farfarello paused in cleaning his knives, as his mind slowly began to develop his latest attack against God. Perhaps he could use this new information to his advantage. Indeed... A small smile graced Farfarello's lips as he watched Nagi leave his bedroom and make his way to the kitchen.
"What are you plotting over there?" Schuldig asked, looking up from his magazine.
"A little... Destruction." Farfarello calmly replied.
Schuldig rolled his eyes and watched as Farfarello stood, walking toward the kitchen. Nagi stood by the sink, filling a glass with water. Farfarello watched him a moment, before walking forward and shutting off the water. Nagi’s back stiffened slightly. After all, this was Farfarello. There was no telling what mood he was in. Preparing himself for anything, Nagi slowly turned around and looked up at his teammate.
“Hello, Nagi!” Farfarello greeted cheerfully. Truly, it was a scary sight. Gulping, Nagi gripped his glass of water tightly. It might serve as a good weapon.
After all, he had promised Crawford that he would at least try to not destroy the furniture anymore. Though, for his case, it wasn’t his fault he made the sofa crumble. Schuldig kept taunting him. He was a teenager, and therefore it was difficult to control his emotions. That said, perhaps splashing Farfarello with water would give him enough time to run.
“Farfarello.” Nagi replied.
“How old are you now, Nagi?” Farfarello asked curiously. Nagi suddenly wanted to scream and run away. It was a silly emotion, and he quickly kept check of it. Nonetheless, it was there.
“I turned sixteen two days ago.” Nagi replied calmly. Farfarello paused, his amber eyes looking skyward. It was an obvious sign that he was thinking. Nagi decided to save him the grief. “No, we didn’t celebrate it and that’s why you didn’t know.”
“Birthday present.” Farfarello nodded sagely. He grabbed Nagi’s arm and pulled him toward the table. Nagi sat down, rubbing slightly at the bruise now developing on his flesh. “Today, you will get your birthday present.”
"I will?" Nagi asked. The idea of Farfarello giving him a birthday present was a little scary.
"Yes." Farfarello sat down across from him, crossing his arms and arching an eyebrow in some strange attempt to look like Crawford. Nagi thought he looked like a sarcastic, 'I'm in control here' teenager instead. Which really, in Farfarello's case, wasn't far from the truth.
"What is it?" Nagi found he couldn't hide his curiosity.
"Nagi, there comes a time in every man's life when they discover they are going through changes." Farfarello stated, sounding as though he was quoting it from a textbook. Nagi glanced over his shoulder to make sure there wasn't one actually there. "I'm sure you've gone through some of the basics already. You're a smart lad, so I'm sure you figured it out. But, I feel it is important for you to learn about the making of the love."
"The making of the love?" Nagi repeated. "Uhh, Farfarello... We already went over this in school."
"Really?" Farfarello asked, looking disappointed. "Even the sex?"
"Even the sex."
"Even the sodomy?"
"Even the sod-" Nagi paused, fighting down a blush. "Err, okay, not the sodomy."
"Well!" Farfarello grinned, causing Nagi to lean back in his chair in an attempt to get away. "Sodomy is, while a favorite of gay men, also performed by many other sexes. That is lesbians and straight people."
Nagi took a moment to wonder if Farfarello actually believed lesbians and straights were of a different gender. Then he pushed the idea away. Despite what many believed, Farfarello was far from stupid.
"Since you're not a lesbian and straight sodomy isn't much different than gay sodomy, we'll go with the gay sodomy explanation." Farfarello announced.
Nagi tried to get the word sodomy out of his head, where it had been etched in by Farfarello's Irish brogue saying it one too many times.
"Umm, Farf-" Nagi started.
"Now, now, Nagi." Farfarello calmly waved a hand in order to cut Nagi off. There was a second of silence, in which Nagi could hear Schuldig laughing his ass off in the living room. Farfarello cleared his throat and began, speaking in a low voice that reminded Nagi vaguely of an instructor trying to seduce his student. Nagi shivered.
"First, you must prep the lover and prep the lover you must." Farfarello intoned. There was a manic glint in his eyes and Nagi knew Farfarello was doing this just to annoy him. "In order to do this you need two things. One, some form of lubricant. I don't suggest blood. After all, it tends to coagulate."
"Okay." Nagi said, slowly.
"The second thing you need is something to stretch the lover." Farfarello continued. "Preferably fingers, for that gives a personal touch. Heh, touch." Nagi rolled his eyes, watching as Farfarello broke into a fit of giggles. The Irishman paused, before clearing his throat once more. "After you've prepped the lover, you can pretty much start the insertion."
"Right." Nagi gulped and forced down a blush.
"You can insert so many things." Farfarello sighed wistfully. "Cucumbers, zucchini, squash, sliced melon... Though that kind of itches."
"Okay, wow." Nagi suddenly said, catching Farfarello off guard. "I think... Well, I think I need to get back to my homework."
"Yes, you are right." Farfarello nodded. He stood and followed Nagi to the living room, where Schuldig was grinning like the psycho he was.
"I can't believe you did that." Schuldig said, twisting in his seat to watch Nagi run to his bedroom. He poked once at the teen's head, catching glimpses of Farfarello and a cucumber, before the boy's mental shields came up. "He's going to be traumatized for life."
Author: frk_werewolf
Fandom: Weiss Kreuz
Pairing: none
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In which Farfarello decides to give Nagi the 'Sex Talk'.
Notes: I was tired of Omi getting the sex talk. Nagi needs it too! Also, this is on crack. Nothing much else to it.
"And in international news, the Pope is now speaking out against sex education in the school system." The reporter announced. Farfarello watched, eye narrowed, as the screen shifted to show the Pope.
Hmmm. The Pope, the leader of the Christian people, was against sex education. Farfarello paused in cleaning his knives, as his mind slowly began to develop his latest attack against God. Perhaps he could use this new information to his advantage. Indeed... A small smile graced Farfarello's lips as he watched Nagi leave his bedroom and make his way to the kitchen.
"What are you plotting over there?" Schuldig asked, looking up from his magazine.
"A little... Destruction." Farfarello calmly replied.
Schuldig rolled his eyes and watched as Farfarello stood, walking toward the kitchen. Nagi stood by the sink, filling a glass with water. Farfarello watched him a moment, before walking forward and shutting off the water. Nagi’s back stiffened slightly. After all, this was Farfarello. There was no telling what mood he was in. Preparing himself for anything, Nagi slowly turned around and looked up at his teammate.
“Hello, Nagi!” Farfarello greeted cheerfully. Truly, it was a scary sight. Gulping, Nagi gripped his glass of water tightly. It might serve as a good weapon.
After all, he had promised Crawford that he would at least try to not destroy the furniture anymore. Though, for his case, it wasn’t his fault he made the sofa crumble. Schuldig kept taunting him. He was a teenager, and therefore it was difficult to control his emotions. That said, perhaps splashing Farfarello with water would give him enough time to run.
“Farfarello.” Nagi replied.
“How old are you now, Nagi?” Farfarello asked curiously. Nagi suddenly wanted to scream and run away. It was a silly emotion, and he quickly kept check of it. Nonetheless, it was there.
“I turned sixteen two days ago.” Nagi replied calmly. Farfarello paused, his amber eyes looking skyward. It was an obvious sign that he was thinking. Nagi decided to save him the grief. “No, we didn’t celebrate it and that’s why you didn’t know.”
“Birthday present.” Farfarello nodded sagely. He grabbed Nagi’s arm and pulled him toward the table. Nagi sat down, rubbing slightly at the bruise now developing on his flesh. “Today, you will get your birthday present.”
"I will?" Nagi asked. The idea of Farfarello giving him a birthday present was a little scary.
"Yes." Farfarello sat down across from him, crossing his arms and arching an eyebrow in some strange attempt to look like Crawford. Nagi thought he looked like a sarcastic, 'I'm in control here' teenager instead. Which really, in Farfarello's case, wasn't far from the truth.
"What is it?" Nagi found he couldn't hide his curiosity.
"Nagi, there comes a time in every man's life when they discover they are going through changes." Farfarello stated, sounding as though he was quoting it from a textbook. Nagi glanced over his shoulder to make sure there wasn't one actually there. "I'm sure you've gone through some of the basics already. You're a smart lad, so I'm sure you figured it out. But, I feel it is important for you to learn about the making of the love."
"The making of the love?" Nagi repeated. "Uhh, Farfarello... We already went over this in school."
"Really?" Farfarello asked, looking disappointed. "Even the sex?"
"Even the sex."
"Even the sodomy?"
"Even the sod-" Nagi paused, fighting down a blush. "Err, okay, not the sodomy."
"Well!" Farfarello grinned, causing Nagi to lean back in his chair in an attempt to get away. "Sodomy is, while a favorite of gay men, also performed by many other sexes. That is lesbians and straight people."
Nagi took a moment to wonder if Farfarello actually believed lesbians and straights were of a different gender. Then he pushed the idea away. Despite what many believed, Farfarello was far from stupid.
"Since you're not a lesbian and straight sodomy isn't much different than gay sodomy, we'll go with the gay sodomy explanation." Farfarello announced.
Nagi tried to get the word sodomy out of his head, where it had been etched in by Farfarello's Irish brogue saying it one too many times.
"Umm, Farf-" Nagi started.
"Now, now, Nagi." Farfarello calmly waved a hand in order to cut Nagi off. There was a second of silence, in which Nagi could hear Schuldig laughing his ass off in the living room. Farfarello cleared his throat and began, speaking in a low voice that reminded Nagi vaguely of an instructor trying to seduce his student. Nagi shivered.
"First, you must prep the lover and prep the lover you must." Farfarello intoned. There was a manic glint in his eyes and Nagi knew Farfarello was doing this just to annoy him. "In order to do this you need two things. One, some form of lubricant. I don't suggest blood. After all, it tends to coagulate."
"Okay." Nagi said, slowly.
"The second thing you need is something to stretch the lover." Farfarello continued. "Preferably fingers, for that gives a personal touch. Heh, touch." Nagi rolled his eyes, watching as Farfarello broke into a fit of giggles. The Irishman paused, before clearing his throat once more. "After you've prepped the lover, you can pretty much start the insertion."
"Right." Nagi gulped and forced down a blush.
"You can insert so many things." Farfarello sighed wistfully. "Cucumbers, zucchini, squash, sliced melon... Though that kind of itches."
"Okay, wow." Nagi suddenly said, catching Farfarello off guard. "I think... Well, I think I need to get back to my homework."
"Yes, you are right." Farfarello nodded. He stood and followed Nagi to the living room, where Schuldig was grinning like the psycho he was.
"I can't believe you did that." Schuldig said, twisting in his seat to watch Nagi run to his bedroom. He poked once at the teen's head, catching glimpses of Farfarello and a cucumber, before the boy's mental shields came up. "He's going to be traumatized for life."