Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ The Dating Service ❯ One-Shot

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Title: The Dating Service
Author: frk_werewolf
Fandom: Weiss Kreuz
Pairing: Farfarello/Nagi
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Farfarello's new psychiatrist suggests he socialize more, Schuldig decides to start a dating service for him. Naturally, things don't go like they should.
Warnings: bad language (after all, Schuldig is present), slash/yaoi, most likely some OOC-ness, but hopefully it's not out of control.



"You want to do what?" Brad Crawford asked. He wasn't certain he had heard Schuldig correctly. The orange-red haired man simply grinned at him. Brad took a deep, calming breath and glanced over Schuldig's shoulder at Farfarello. The Irishman stood by the door, still dressed in the absurd winter coat and snow boots that Schuldig had convinced him to wear that morning. The single gold eye blinked at him. Brad turned back to Schuldig. "You're joking."

"I am not." Schuldig said in his nasal-like voice. Brad fought back a wince. Letting out a sigh, Schuldig pulled out a large white paper and handed it to the Schwarz leader. "Here, it's written on there."

"'Farfarello appears to be suffering from a slight case of anti-socialism as of late. I suggest taking him out and letting him meet people.'" Brad raised an eyebrow and looked over the top of his glasses at Schuldig. "It's signed Dr. Ziggler... What happened to Dr. Holms?"

"Well, you see..." Schuldig trailed off and glanced back at Farfarello, who grinned manically.

"I see." Brad looked agitated. That is, he looked more agitated than normal, which was saying quite a bit. But then again, this was the fifth psychiatrist Farfarello had 'taken care of' in the past seven months.

"But, anyway, I thought I'd let you know what I was planning... That way if you get some strange calls in the middle of the night..." Schuldig took on a look of innocence, and nearly succeeded. "Well, you'll know where they are from."

"You are not starting a dating service for Farfarello." Brad informed him.

"Yes, I am. Doctor's orders." Schuldig grinned.

"No, you are not. That's not what the doctor meant." Brad said, before turning to Farfarello. "Please take that stupid coat and boots off."

"She wants him to socialize!" Schuldig exclaimed, waving an arm in Farfarello's direction. Farfarello had finally grown tired of listening to their tirade and opted to sit on the sofa, channel surfing. Schuldig wasn't that surprised when the television stopped on Martha Stewart Living. "Dating is the optimal form of socialization. And look at the poor man. Sitting here, all alone, watching Martha Stewart for crying out loud!"

"Don't be so dramatic." Brad ordered.

"I like Martha." Farfarello's soft lilt informed the room. Schuldig chose to not point out that what Farfarello really liked was watching her cut things up.

"It will be good for him." Schuldig insisted.

"No."

"Please?" Schuldig whined.

"Not at all."

"Please?!" Schuldig's whine grew to maximum strength. Brad winced. Nagi, who had been perfectly content in hiding out in his room like a proper teenager, peeked his head out the door. Farfarello merely turned up the volume of the television. The soft clips of Martha's knife hitting the cutting board filled the room. "Farf, turn that shit off."

The volume went up some more.

"You want to send that man on a date?" Brad asked. "You're insane, which I already knew, but now I know for certain. Perhaps you should be going to see this... this..." Brad waved the paper around. "Dr. Ziggler!"

"Boy, would I ever!" Schuldig leered. "She is one hot, sexy-"

"Stop." Brad interrupted, looking rather constipated. Or perhaps it was angry. Schuldig really couldn't tell anymore.

"And her breasts-"
"Fine!" Brad exclaimed, his left eye twitching. Farfarello discreetly turned down the volume in order to hear them. "You can start a dating service. Just... Shut up."

"Excellent." Schuldig cackled, rubbing his palms together. Farfarello narrowed a gold eye at him, before shrugging and returning to his Martha Stewart Living.

Being the type of person Farfarello was, he quickly forgot about Schuldig's plans of him dating. He spent the rest of the afternoon watching television and annoying Nagi. Nagi wasn't very appreciative of this, at least he appeared to be annoyed by Farfarello's never moving presence. It was creepy the way the young Irishman would hover over his shoulder, his eye focused on the computer screen. Nagi really didn't want to know how Farfarello had managed to get into his locked room, but somehow the man was there. Nagi, in order to save himself the grief, chose to ignore him for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, Schuldig was planning. In short, he was a genius. Not only would be able to find Farfarello a date, but he might be able to get something on the side for himself as well. So, Schuldig printed up the posters to place around the city. He set up a phone in his room. He even planned on placing an add in the newspaper.

"Shouldn't you get Farfarello's input on some of this?" Brad asked the next morning, watching as Schuldig chewed on his lower lip and strained over the pad of paper in front of him. Normally Brad would never suggest asking Farfarello's opinion on anything, but this time he had a feeling Farfarello would be the sane one of the two. In fact, he didn't just have a feeling, he knew.

"Okay, how does this sound?" Schuldig asked, ignoring Brad. He cleared his throat and began to quote from the paper. "'Psychotic Irishman seeks date with young, open-minded woman. Ages nineteen to twenty-three. Please call 555-6969.'"

"That's not even our number." Brad pointed out.

"Oh, I know. I just like the sound of it." Schuldig grinned. Brad stared at him a moment, before finally gathering the energy to speak.

"Are you certain you don't want to ask Farfarello for what he, heaven forbid, wants?" Brad asked.

"Like he knows what he needs!" Schuldig exclaimed. "The poor man wouldn't know how to talk to a woman, let alone choose one for himself."

"What makes you think he wants a woman?" Brad asked calmly. Nagi, sadly, chose that moment to enter the kitchen. The normally quiet, collected boy faltered in a step and nearly fell against the counter. Brad raised an eyebrow at him over his American newspaper.

"You mean... Farfarello's gay?" Schuldig's eyes widened and Nagi fumbled with a glass. "I never thought of that..."

"I've found that you never think of anything, unless it's with your crotch." Brad replied, before turning Nagi. "I would highly appreciate it if you did not drop one of my glasses."

"Sorry." Nagi said, before carefully setting the glass on the table.

"Ask him." Brad ordered Schuldig. "If you are going to insist on doing this, then at least do it correctly."

Schuldig looked at him suspiciously for a moment, before grinning. "Hey, chibi-"

"Ask him yourself." Brad interrupted. Nagi heaved a thankful sigh behind him. Schuldig shot Brad a dark glare, before sauntering out of the room. Brad shook his head slightly as Nagi sat down across from him. Brad raised an eyebrow in question. "Yes?"

"Are you certain this is a good idea?" Nagi asked. "Farfarello's not really good with people."

"He's just fine around you." Brad commented, pretending to not notice the blush that spread across Nagi's cheeks.

"Take into consideration I can throw him against a wall." Nagi managed to say. There was a pause, while Nagi digested what he just said. "Not in that way... I mean..."

"Thank God I'm no longer a teenager." Was Brad's only reply. Nagi was kind of glad Brad wasn't a teenager, either.

The problem, Farfarello decided, with Schuldig was that he tended to obsess over things. Now, some people would claim that Farfarello had no right to call someone else to this fact, when he himself tended to obsess over things like knives and hating God and blood and more knives and... What was he thinking? Oh, yes. Schuldig had a bad habit in obsessing over the wrong things. Farfarello's obsessions, while enough to lock him away for eternity, helped him be a better assassin. Schuldig's obsessions just made him annoying.

Right now being a prime example of this. Farfarello had been minding his own business, catching up on a little reading, when Schuldig literally burst into his room with a grin. It was a scary sight. If Farfarello had been in any other mood aside from content, he would have been attempted to kill the telepath.

"Farfie!" Schuldig greeted.

"Don't call me that." Farfarello ordered.

"I'm going to get straight to the point. Tell me, Farf, do you ever get turned on by a guy wearing short-shorts?" Schuldig asked, taking it upon himself to pull the book out of Farfarello's scarred hands. Farfarello stared at him, amber eye wide, as the telepath sat down on his bed. "Well? Be honest."

"A guy in short-shorts." Farfarello repeated in that strange Irish lilt of his. "I can honestly say I've never been greeted with such a sight."

"Well, okay, how about penises? Ever get turned on by that?"

"Schuldig." Farfarello narrowed his eyes. "Are you trying to ask me if I'm homosexual?"

"...Yes. Yes, I am." Schuldig replied.

"Hmm." Was Farfarello's reply. Schuldig looked on the verge of hitting him aside his head. Or possibly killing him. With Schuldig it could go either way.

"Hmm? That's all you have to say is hmm?" Schuldig demanded. Farfarello chose to ignore him and instead snatched his book back. Schuldig let out a small growl off annoyance as the cover to The Anarchist Cookbook was raised to his line of sight. "I'm trying to help you here, you know."

"Yes." Farfarello replied, stretching out his legs. Schuldig refused to budge as a foot dug painfully into his side.

"Fine! If you are not going to help me out here, then that mean I'm going to be the one in complete charge of this project." Schuldig warned him. An eye appeared over the top of the book, literally glowing in the light. "Yeah. That's right."

"And you want my help." Farfarello clarified. "You want to know what I look for in a partner."

"Well, I highly doubt you look for much of anything in a partner, but fuck buddy? Sure." Schuldig shrugged.

"Hmm." Farfarello said again. Schuldig watched, impatient, as Farfarello stood and placed his book back onto the lone shelf sticking out of the wall. The book was carefully placed between Dante's Inferno and the Bible. Why Farfarello actually owned a Bible was beyond Schuldig's reasoning. He'd tried reading Farfarello's mind once or twice for the answer, but found the experience to cause too much of a headache. He now preferred to get information in the direction way.

"Hmm. Hmm! Is that all you can say?" Schuldig whined.

"Fuck buddy." Farfarello stated simply. "It's such a harsh term."

"What? No fucking, then?" Schuldig looked shocked. "But... You're what? Nineteen? Don't tell me you're a virgin."

"The pleasures of the flesh have never... Appealed to me." Farfarello answered calmly. "I have yet to find someone interesting enough to partake in such... Activities."

"Find someone? Come on!" Schuldig eyed the Irishman. "Don't tell me you're saving yourself for that special someone." Farfarello stared at him, face void of any emotion. "Sheesh. You can take the homicidal madman out of the Church, but you can't take the Church out of the hom-"

Schuldig's mouth snapped shut with a soft click as the blade pressed against his jugular, a hard body pressing him back against the bed. An angered amber eye stared down at him. Schuldig watched, wary, as Farfarello fought to control himself. There was a tickle in the back of the telepath's mind, indicating that someone else was close by. Before he could even blink, Farfarello's door had creaked open and revealed Nagi.

Nagi took one look at the scene before him. Farfarello had Schuldig pinned to the bed, a knife to his throat. Nagi wasn't stupid. No doubt Schuldig had opened his mouth and said something ridiculous, resulting in Farfarello nearly going over the edge. With a sigh, Nagi waved his hand. Farfarello's knife flew out of his fist, skittering across the floor. The Irishman himself went flying back until he was held against the wall.

"Thanks, chibi." Schuldig muttered, rubbing idly at the his throat. He watched as Farfarello took a deep breath and turned his eye on Nagi. A small smile contorted the scarred lips. With a intrigued glint in his eyes, Schuldig stood and slipped past Nagi.

After some internal debate, Schuldig went directly toward Brad's office. Without knocking, he sauntered his way inside. Brad barely reacted, instead focusing on the file in his hands. "What do you want, Schuldig?"

"You're right." Schuldig announced.

"Of course I am." Brad muttered, not looking up.

"He's gay."

"No, he's not." Brad replied. Schuldig frowned. As though seeing the expression on his face, despite never looking up from reading the paper in his hands, Brad continued. "You must admit, with Farfarello's upbringing, that he never had a normal sexual development. His life has focused so much on pain and vengeance, sex and relationships have never been... Well, brought up I suppose."

"So, what, he's asexual?" Schuldig asked. "This is going to make it so hard to get him a date."

"He's not asexual. He's... Not anything." Brad commented, finally looking up. "He's probably never even took attraction into consideration. Most in his sort of situation are like that. While those who are like Nagi, growing up in such a... Street environment, tend to be more sexually developed."

"Good. Then they are perfect for each other." Schuldig smirked. Brad raised an eyebrow.

"I beg your pardon."

"Farfarello likes being thrown into the wall by Nagi." Schuldig said, as though that explained everything. "Turns out I won't have to start a dating service after all."

"Do you really think that is a good idea?" Brad asked. "I know the idea of thinking is rather foreign to you, but Farfarello and Nagi?"

"Come on, they'll be cute together!" Schuldig insisted.

"I shudder at the thought." Brad muttered.

"Nonsense. Now, I need your help." Schuldig informed him. Brad felt the sudden urge to shoot the German, but decided that for the sake of the team he wouldn't. "I can take care of Farfarello, but Nagi is more likely to talk to you about this. I need you to give him a push in the right direction."

"I will-"

"Alright." Schuldig interrupted.

Brad sat there a moment, fighting down his own sputters as Schuldig practically bounced out of the room. For a brief second he wondered why his powers were failing him. Surely he should have known Schuldig would start in on this before it happened. Surely the fates would have eased his suffering just a tiny bit. But, alas, the fates enjoyed the pain of Brad Crawford too much.

Later on that night, after dinner, Brad found himself pointedly left in the room with Nagi, alone. Schuldig sent him a wink, before darting out of the room and toward Farfarello's bedroom. With a frown, Brad turned toward Nagi. The teenager was watching him with speculative eyes, as though he knew something was going on.

"I don't think you are stupid, so I'm getting straight to the point." Brad said calmly. "It's only a matter of time before Schuldig finds out. No matter how easily you and Farfarello are able to block your thoughts from him, he will find out."

"I don't see the problem with that." Nagi replied softly. "I wasn't the one keeping it quiet in the first place." Nagi studied his finger nails. "In fact, neither was Farfarello."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that." Brad adjusted his glasses.

"I thought we were hiding it pretty well, myself, despite not needing to." Nagi commented, looking rather smug. That is, as smug as Nagi could without showing too much emotion.

"Do you really want Schuldig to obsess over this for the rest of eternity? Because I can assure you he's willing to do it." Brad informed him.

"Let him figure it out on his own." Nagi said, standing. "You just don't want him to think he paired me and Farfarello up. It may, after all, give him ideas."

"I have no idea as to what you mean." Brad replied, looking away. With a mild smile, Nagi slipped quietly out of the kitchen.

Down the hall, the conversation wasn't going as smoothly. That is, at least with Nagi and Brad they both knew what was going on. From Schuldig's perspective, it seemed that Farfarello didn't have a clue.

"Do you understand me?" Schuldig finally asked in annoyance.

"You want me to date Nagi." Farfarello said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes! Goodness, I thought you'd never get it." Schuldig said in exasperation. Farfarello scratched his chin thoughtfully. "So, what do you think? I mean, for a kid Nagi's pretty cute. And he is a lot older mentally that a lot of people give him credit for."

"He's rather small." Was Farfarello's commented.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Schuldig asked. "Unless you didn't mean small as in..."

"Don't finish that." Nagi insisted, stepping into the room.

"Chibi!" Schuldig grinned. He gave Farfarello a pointed look. "Why don't I leave the two of you alone, hmm?"

"The man is an idiot." Nagi commented softly as the door shut behind Schuldig.

"Not at all observant." Farfarello agreed, leaning against the wall. He watched Nagi as the younger teen stepped up to him. Slim arms slipped around the Irishman's waist and a dark head rested against his shoulder. Farfarello trailed a hand up Nagi's arms, allowing his heat to encase him. It never ceased to amazing him how warm Nagi seemed to be, compared to his own body.

"Do you think he'll figure it out?" Nagi asked, lifting his head.

"Who cares." Farfarello replied, before Nagi's lips met his own in a soft kiss.

They're mouths pulled apart in shock as the sound of a telephone echoed through the house. At the second ring, it was picked up. After a moment of silence, Brad's angry voice reached their ears. "Schuldig, explain to me why a girl is calling about a personals ad involving a so-called sexy German!"