Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Yohji Kudou, International Man of Parody ❯ Back at the bachelor pad ( Chapter 6 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Title: Yohji Kudou, International Man of Parody

Author: Ann

Rating: R. Yaoi, baby, yeah!

Pairings: It would spoil the fun to tell you; from the title, you can assume Yohji gets some. Male/male situations, though mostly implied. Be adult or be gone.

Notes: Parody/fusion of the Austin Powers films and of Weiss Kreuz. Austin Powers characters belong to the very funny Mike Myers, Michael McCullers and New Line Cinema. Weiss Kreuz characters belong to Takehito Koyasu and Project Weiss. This is fan fiction, and no profit is made from this endeavor. Parody is a long-standing, protected form of free speech.

*emphasis*
//song lyrics//
~telepathy~
#thoughts#

Warnings: Bizarre and lame humor. OCC? Of course! Character bashing? Yes, but just in fun... well, mostly. ::snickers:: Character deaths, bad language, bad puns, just... bad.

Feedback: Feedback would be greatly appreciated at Ann89103@lvcm.com.

Archive: Ask and you shall receive.

Extra notes for this chapter: It's been a long time, sorry! Holidays, work, my growing fascination with Yami no Matsuei... anyway, the saga continues!

***

Back at Yohji's bachelor pad...

"I just don't believe it." Schuldig stood in the center of Yohji's living room, eyes darting from spot to spot, taking in every furnishing, every exotic decoration.

Yohji shrugged, then gracefully reclined on the nearest couch. "What, baby? I thought you were comfortable with all this wacky psychic power stuff?"

"I am. It's your home that disturbs me," Schuldig replied, "it's so... colorful."

Yohji grinned at his companion. "Nothing wrong with colorful, pet. And I like to be comfortable at home. Speaking of comfortable, wouldn't you be more comfy sitting right here?" Yohji patted the very small available space left on his couch.

Schuldig declined, "I don't think so. The colors on that thing are blinding me from here; I'd like to keep what remains of my eyesight."

Yohji looked around him, confused. It was just one of his favorite pieces of furniture, this couch. Sturdy frame, nicely plush cushions, both very necessary to facilitate snogging, all covered with a tartan plaid. He'd gotten it as a gift on one of his trips to the seventies, that time he had to protect those five Scottish lads that were so popular with the girls. What were they called? Oh, yes, the Bay City Rollers! (1)

Yohji was roused from his thoughts by the sight of his partner gratefully falling into the chair across from him. It was another piece from the seventies, a spherical black globe chair, with extra cushions within for maximum comfort. Schuldig's eyes were closed in apparent bliss as he reclined fully, his vibrant colored hair especially vivid against the black background. The chair was really meant for one, but two could share the space if they were extremely friendly. (2)

Yohji felt extremely friendly at the moment. He was going to get off of his couch and get *on* Schuldig. After all, they had just survived a dangerous situation with a merciless killer. They both deserved some... comfort.

It only took a few steps to reach his reclining partner. Schuldig's eyes remained closed, but the generous smile he now sported was proof of his interest. Yohji climbed into the chair, his lower legs straddling the German's thighs, his hands reaching out to grasp handfuls of silken hair. Yohji leaned in, pressing his lips gently against Schuldig's, reveling in the sweetness of the kiss.

Schuldig moaned into the kiss, parting his lips and darting his tongue out to taste Yohji. Yohji was more than willing to deepen the kiss, sending his tongue out to explore and savor: his hands clenched tighter at the glossy strands they held, trying to pull his lover even closer. Both men were lost in the moment, tongues twining and sliding while breaths were mingled, shared.

Schuldig's hands left the chair to rest on Yohji's ribs then rose, sliding up and down his chest, gliding over leather and exposed skin. After a few minutes his hands headed lower, caressing the smooth skin covering firm abdominal muscles, then even lower, passing over Yohji's pants, ever closer to the heat and hardness of Yohji's arousal.

"Yes," Yohji groaned, "touch me..."

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM!!!"

Both men turned towards the direction the scream came from, which resulted in the chair tipping over, sending them tumbling to the floor. After a few moments spent untangling limbs, the two spies faced their visitor.

"Hey, Omi, how's it hanging?" Yohji asked.

Yohji's boss apparently took umbrage at the question. "How's it hanging? Oh, pretty well, I guess, considering there is a dangerous group of violent criminals on the loose. But that's okay, because my agent on the job has everything under control... BY SITTING ON HIS BUTT AND HUMPING ANYTHING IN SIGHT THAT MOVES!!"

"Um, boss, it's got to be one or the other," Yohji answered, which wasn't the most calming response he could make given the situation.

Omi was far from calm. "I suggest you fill me in on the mission status before I do something rash, such as cut your salary, remove you from the case, or TAKE YOUR LAVA LAMP AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!"

Schuldig didn't seem phased by the anger. "Your boss seems to have a buttocks fixation, Yohji."

"Yeah, Yohji replied, "he doesn't go on many dates either, since he looks like jailbait. The sexual frustration must be incredible. No wonder he yells at me all the time."

Omi declined to respond to the comments. He simply picked up the lava lamp and smiled. Both Yohji and Schuldig took a few steps back as a precaution. Schuldig retrieved the files on Schwarz and gingerly held them out for Omi to take.

While Omi reviewed the documents, Schuldig took the opportunity to engage Yohji in mental conversation.

~Your Omi seems to have a rather large chip on his shoulder, Yohji. Have you suggested anger management classes?~

~No, baby, he just really needs to get laid.~

~So I see. Actually, he reminds me a bit of Nagi.~

~Nagi?~

~Yeah, Nagi. Actually, Brad calls him Mini (Na)gi, though I have no idea why. Sounds like something from a wacky spoof of spy movies. Anyway, Nagi's probably the nicest guy in Schwarz, provided you don't tease him about his height or his raging hormones. I swear, the guy'll hump anything that moves... well, okay, not Cat Bastard, he has *some* limits.~

Omi's voice cut through their silent conversation. "Schuldig, do you have any more information about Schwarz, or at least about the youngest assassin? His file has the least criminal offenses, mostly computer hacking and breaking and entering charges. Do you think he could be convinced to switch sides?"

Schuldig and Yohji looked at each other, both reaching the same conclusion.

~Hormones.~

"We could try," Schuldig responded out loud, "Nagi is usually very quiet and self-contained, and I never read any true malice in his thoughts. The problem is he was abandoned by his parents as a very young child, living on the streets. Brad Evil is the one who found him and took him in, practically raised him since then. Nagi respects Brad, despite his criminal activities, and thinks of him as his real father. He tries to emulate Brad in most respects, especially when he's depressed or under extreme stress."

"I see," Omi mused, barely loud enough to be heard, "I still think it's a good idea to try. In the meantime, I've come up with a plan to lure Schwarz out into the open."

"And what's that, boss?" Yohji inquired.

"The Brazil and German soccer team participants are staying at the Century Hyatt Hotel, while the players from Turkey and South Korea are checked in to the Keio Plaza Inter-Continental Hotel. At least, the Kritiker personnel I sent in *pretending* to be the players are now there."

"Oh," Schuldig interrupted, "so if Brad's 'seen' their arrival, he still won't have any idea it's a trap."

"Exactly!" Omi answered, "And tomorrow I've arranged for some fake media interviews. Brad Evil will no doubt conclude then to be a perfect time for his assassins to attempt an attack, as there will be less people around to deal with, rather than trying to get to the players at the soccer stadium, or anywhere out in public, where greater security is assured.

"And when they show up, we nab them. Very smooth, Omi, you've been paying attention to my slick spy moves!" Yohji's voice held a warm, approving tone.

"No, Kudou, I base my decisions on doing the exact *opposite* of what you've tried in the past, which is why I am your boss, and a very successful one."

"Ow, bishounen, don't be so nasty, you'll get wrinkles, then you'll never get another cute bishounen to stroke your--"

"ENOUGH! Kudou, you and I will stake out the Keio Plaza Inter-Continental tomorrow staring at nine. Schuldig, you will do the same at the Century Hyatt, where I've arranged for extra agents to assist you. With your telepathy, we should be able to stay in touch at all times."

"Your plan is pretty solid, Omi, but I do have one concern," Schuldig stated, "what if Brad's had a vision of us at the hotels?"

Omi's smile was deceptively sweet. "Any vision he may have had won't be of us," he responded, "as we will all be fully disguised. Now I suggest we *all* get some sleep--separately--because tomorrow will be a long day."

Yohji sighed, dismayed that his most recent attempt at a shag was now turned into a very chaste sleepover. On the plus side, he was rather tired now, and he could use a nice, restful sleep.

Within minutes all three men were comfortably settled on a sofas and futons, the lights all dimmed. Just before Yohji could completely escape into sleep, he heard one last, soft comment from his boss:

"I chose your disguise personally, Yohji."

So much for sleep.

***

End part seven.

(1) Never heard of the Bay City Rollers? You may not want to, though now I've got "S-A-TUR-DAY NIGHT!" running nonstop through my poor befuddled brain. Want to know more? Try visiting www.bbc.co.uk/aboutmusic/profiles/baycityrollers.shtml. Be sure to check out the links to some very vivid pictures from the seventies.
(2) Trying to visualize a spherical black globe chair? Try this site: www.hgtv.com/hgtv/decorating/article/ 0,1793,HGTV_3545_1473564,00.html

Warning: seventies flashbacks may ensue. Proceed with caution.