Wolf's Rain Fan Fiction ❯ Hige's Weight Loss for Imbeciles ❯ Hige's Weight Loss for Imbeciles ( Chapter 1 )

Author's Note: I wrote this story wondering what would happen if Hige published a book to help people lose weight. Keep in mind it's just a one-shot. This fic does not, however, express my feelings towards weight loss and/or fat people in any way. It's just a joke! Please don't take it seriously!

Disclaimer: I don't own Wolf's Rain, but I'm thinking of making an anime of my own called "Rolf's Wain".

HIGE'S "WEIGHT LOSS FOR IMBECILES"

Hello! My name's Hige. I'm a wolf, but don't tell anyone 'cause Kiba will frown at me, Tsume will stuff me in the first garbage can he sees, and Toboe will pout (with that eeeeevil pout of his...).

Everyday, countless people stop me while I'm walking through the streets just to say what a sexy body I have. You might say, "They're probably toothbrush sellers. They have to flatter you in order to make you buy something!" You're right about that, but assuming you aren't, I have taken the liberty of writing this book in order to help those who weren't given a figure as gorgeous as mine. Just remember what Garfield said: I'm not overweight, I'm undertall!

STUPID PROLOGUE TO MAKE YOU BUY THE BOOK:

Do you want to lose weight? Tired of trying those useless pills, diets and books without any results? Well, this is another one of them! I mean, this book will definitely help you improve your utterly repugnant figure! See for yourself how this book changed my life!

= (

Before

= )

After

See? First I was up, now I'm down! Remarkable improvement, don't you think? So, now that you're convinced of the book's effectiveness, you better buy it! If you still haven't bought it, stop reading it, heck! Stop it...stop it...STOP IT, YOU FATSO! Sorry, that was harsh.

CHAPTER #1
SO, YOU WANNA LOSE WEIGHT

I'll start by assuming you've actually bought this book. By doing this, you have taken the first step towards weight loss and also supported one of the biggest illegal plushie smugglers in Guatemala. You ought to be proud of yourself! Well, as proud as you can be when you are a worthless ball of fat, anyway... However, you must also accept that the problem is not in the phony pills or the useless diets: it's in you. You have to get this clear in order to continue reading this book. Got it? Did your undersized brain already process that statement? Did it? Good.

The second thing you must do to lose weight is put your body and mind into this. For the next 13 weeks, your five senses shall be concentrated on this book. I'll make sure of that. If you don't do as I wish, I will kidnap your family, friends and loved ones and send them to Acapulco so they can have fun while I send you to Siberia for the next three years so you can reflect on your cold and lonely life alone and all by yourself. I wrote that in the nicest way possible and the least thing I want is you to feel threatened. Be happy! Lose weight! Laugh at people fatter than you!

All that said, let us begin our physical mutilation!

CHAPTER #2
YOU'RE SO WRONG

I'll start by letting you know that you're so wrong. I have evidence: how come every time you eat you gain weight? Rest my case.

The first step towards weight-losing is to build a healthy diet. This, of course, must be done abruptly and as soon as possible. If you take your time, it might be too late! You might not even be able to see your feet! Oh, right. You can't do that now, either

The first thing to do while building up a healthy diet is to reverse your eating habits: i.e. If you have established a habit of eating daily a tuna sandwich, try instead dining at McDonald's. Their food is better and healthier. However, there's a catch: you must eat their food upside-down. If you don't want to go through the trouble of turning your Big Mac upside-down, you can instead turn yourself upside-down by standing on your arms and do your best to avoid throwing up! That's how I obtained my figure, after all.

Not only you must reverse your eating habits, but you must also reverse your eating hours. For example, you ought to start the day with dinner. God knows whatever you're having for breakfast is making you fatter! Instead, have breakfast at dinnertime! How much damage can that do?

See? It's not that hard! And if your current diet is making you fatter, reversing it can't do much harm, can it? It's pure logic, my friend

CHAPTER THREE
PLACE YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS, IF YOU CAN FIND THEM, AND WORKOUT!

(Hige does not assume responsibility over any medical injuries. He is kind of lazy, too.)

Even with a good diet, in order to get that figure you never had in the first place back, you must exercise. You have probably tried lots of machines and exercise routines without success. Why not try another one of them?

You should start the day with a twenty-mile marathon. I don't expect you blob to win, of course. Proceed to have dinner like your diet plan states.

After the marathon and dinner, you must wait at most three hours before starting your official workout. Don't "warm up". Everyone knows that's a waste of time. Your abdominal exercise will consist of nine hundred ninety-nine "crunchers". Don't complain, it's not like I'm asking you to do a thousand! After the abdominal exercise, start the weight lifting. Lift as much weight as you can until your back hurts very much. Do not "cool down", for that's also a waste of time. Be aware that you must do this while eating in order to burn calories and fat before they accumulate.

Before going to sleep, do the abdominal routine again instead of praying. If you don't have a religion, you won't have any trouble. If you do, what's the worse that could happen? That you reincarnate on a centipede or get punished throughout eternity in the underworld? Think of this: centipedes are not hypothetically insects and they have plenty of feet, and the underworld is hot, so bring a Martini! Anyway, the purposes of this nightly workout are: a) You will hopefully get tired, go to sleep early and start the twenty-mile marathon the next day in optimal conditions, b) in case you ate something with enough fat to escape your earlier workout, now you can burn it, and c) it will also help you burn old fat! See? My workout is flawless if you do it on a daily basis and survive.

CHAPTER FOUR
FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS

If you still think you don't have enough reasons to avoid temptations, I made a list of them. No need to thank me. It was pretty simple.

A) You are so utterly, terribly repugnantly, disgustingly, horridly fat, NASA will start orbiting satellites around you if you don't lose weight.

B) You are so heavy that according to a weight chart, you are supposed to be 7'5" tall.

C) You will save millions of people from having to look at you if you improve your figure.

D) If you don't avoid temptations, I will send you to Siberia and your family to Acapulco!

There are plenty more, but I'm too lazy to name them. Anyway, since you're supposed to be isolated for thirteen weeks while reading this book, you won't have any trouble avoiding temptations!

CHAPTER FIVE
PSYCOLOGICAL BOOSTS

Are you still feeling down, scared or threatened by this book? That's pathetic! I could just beat the heck out of you! However, I perfectly understand you being upset about your morbid figure. I know how it feels like. Oh, wait, I don't. That's why I hired Guinea pigs to make this book. But, hey! Cheer up! Here are some tips for you lifeless depressed fatsoes.

A) Laugh at people fatter than you

B) Annoy skinnier people by taking two seats on a bus instead of one, sitting on the other side of a see-saw, telling them they're fat, etc.

C) Sit on your parents' lap: 50 chances of you feeling happy, 50 of you squashing them.

D) Bungee-jump; what are the chances of the cord breaking? (Hige does not assume any responsibilities if the cord breaks)

E) If none of the above works, watch a sitcom and leave me alone!

Look around you. Okay, stop looking and finish reading the paragraph. Bimbos surround you. You're not alone in your search for a figure. When you're worried about what other people might think, hang out with one of them (make sure he or she is fatter than you).

EPILOGUE
AFTER THIRTEEN WEEKS OF INTENSIVE WEIGHT LOSS...

Congratulations! You finished your weight loss program. Yeah, those ten pounds you just lost do make a difference, don't they?

By the way, there's no need to thank me if you're satisfied (but you still should). If you're not satisfied, read the book again! If you sue, I have connections with the Italian mafia-I mean, lawyers. Yes, big, bad Italian lawyers with names such as Giovanni and Marianno. So, don't mess with me (please?).

Hope you enjoyed the book (I don't really care as long as you bought it),

With a strictly platonic love,

Hige

Wanna be our sponsor? Call 1-800-ONCE-THE-FAT-1 Chances are no one will answer the phone.

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Author's Note: Liked it? Hated it? Whatever, just review.