Wolf's Rain Fan Fiction ❯ Ye Olde Wolf's Rain - Jeopardy! Fanfic ❯ The Super-Ultra-Mega-Deluxe Chapter (with a cherry on the top) ( Chapter 1 )

Ye Olde Wolf's Rain - Jeopardy! Fanfic II

Author's Note: Ever heard of the popular game show "Jeopardy!"? Well, if you haven't, you should watch it sometime. Not only because it's a good show, but because it'll help you understand this wacky fic of mine. And, heck, it's a good show! So, watch it, dammit!

Disclaimer: I don't own "Wolf's Rain" and/or "Jeopardy!". However, I had a very similar idea about four wolves called Tiba, Kige, Hume and Vladimir Lenin, who wanted to find Paradise (Tim Horton's). Along the way, they met a girl made out of onion dip. Eventually, the wolves got too hungry and were forced to eat the girl with some potato chips. Too bad. She smelled like Lunar Onions...

A brief summary on the events that previously took place on my wacky universe...

Welcome to the insane (not sane) world created by Awrawrawrawrawrawra, where everything is possible except for Bob Marley losing his dreadlocks (THAT is impossible). What happened in this wacky world before this chapter? Kiba was abducted by aliens several times; Hige developed an obsession with eating hotdogs and toenails; Tsume was tormented numerous times by the "Telebubbies", Fidel Castro, and me; Toboe found out he was adopted, he was forced to hum our theme song since that thingy that plays it screwed up, and he later joined the Cuban Army; Cheza won a steak, she planted it to see if it grew a steak tree, and the steak plant turned into a cow (which was conveniently named "Sirloin Abby"); Blue is tired of being here and couldn't care less if Hige suddenly bursted in flames due to internal combustion (who would care, anyway?); Darcia found out he had a constantly-growing tennis ball stuck in his head, and later he strangled Harmona to death; Harmona turned into a zombie and claimed to want a deeper relationship than the one she'd had with Darcia, so she dug a hole and married a worm; and I, Awrawrawrawrawrawra, was hanged by a bunch of annoyed Tsume fangirls. Life no longer sucks for me (literally). There were also several appearances by "Larney, the Fuchsia Dinosaur", Hubb the Blubb, a bartender, and Darcia's Mom (whose name turned out to be "She left me for a worm, which is what Harmona did to Darcia). Got that? Good. All that said, let's move on to the story. Are you still there? Well, are you!? Are you even reading this!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

THE FIC

Awrawra: Welcome to our special edition of Jeopardy! I'm Awrawra, and I think I left someone out of this chapter, but I can't quite place it. Today, our contestants are teamed up in pairs! Yes, in pairs of TWO, Toboe. Our first team, with a score so low we lost track of it, is made up of Hige and Blue.

Hige: Hey, Blue! I brought you a Pikachu plushie.

Blue: You mean, like the other 244 Pikachu plushies you've brought me today? (points to a giant bunch of impaled Pikachu plushies)

Hige: Nope. This one is different. He can say "Pika-Pika!" in 6 languages!

Awrawra: Why didn't I think of that? Well, our second contestants are Cheza and Kiba!

Kiba: This "Cheza" girl seems familiar. Have I met her somewhere?

Awrawra: Probably.

Cheza: (moves her arms frantically)

Kiba: I think something is wrong with her.

Cheza: (writes: "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS ONE!!!" on the wall)

Kiba: I think she's trying to say something.

Cheza: (writes: "THIS ONE IS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING!!!" on the wall)

Kiba: I wonder what...

Cheza: (writes: "THIS ONE IS CHOKING ON CHOP SUEY!!!" on the wall)

Kiba: I wish I knew how to read.

Awrawra: I wish she hadn't used my lipstick to write on the wall.

Cheza: (chokes, faints)

Awrawra: Okay... Let's have Zombie Harmona replace her.

Zombie Harmona: About time I made an appearance!

Awrawra: So, Harmona, you left Darcia because you were looking for a deeper relationship. Then, you dug a hole and married a worm. Am I right?

Zombie Harmona: Yup. We even have children!

(a bunch of worms with Harmona's face appear)

Worm #1: I wanna go to Harvard!

Worm #2: I wanna be a rock star!

Worm #3: I wanna drive a garbage truck!

Awrawra: ...I would usually say something wacky, but that is just SICK!

Zombie Harmona: And, here's my husband: the earthworm!

(points to an empty space)

Awrawra: There's no one there...

Zombie Harmona: Sure there is! It's not like I'm crazy.

Awrawra: Harmona, there's no one there.

Zombie Harmona: Oh, so you're saying the worm is not real?

Awrawra: I guess.

Zombie Harmona: But, everyone sees him, right?

Everyone: No.

Zombie Harmona: Oh, my gosh! He's not real... So, each time I kissed him, I was sucking a lemon drop!?

Awrawra: Probably.

Zombie Harmona: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- you know, I saw a movie like this once.

Awrawra: "A Beautiful Mind"?

Zombie Harmona: No, it was called: "An idiot who thought his wife was real". I'm supposed to go to a mental institution now, right?

Awrawra: Yup. Be sure to greet them on my behalf, since they probably know me from those six months I spent locked in a maximum-security cell.

Zombie Harmona: Okay! (runs off to a mental institution)

Awrawra: Jagara, you can replace her.

Jagara: (dressed like a hippie) Peace and love, bro!

Awrawra: I'm a sis. Our last two teams, sharing one buzzer since we only have three, are Tsume and Toboe, and Darcia and his mom!

Tsume: ...Can't...fall...asleep... Gandalf... will... eat me...

Toboe: Yo no hablo inglés.

Oakum: He said: "I don't speak English".

Darcia: Mom, I want a light saber!

Darcia's Mom: And I want medical insurance!

Awrawra: As you may have noticed, Tsume has developed Gandalf-phobia from watching too much "Lord of the Rings", Toboe forgot how to speak English when he joined the Cuban Army (Lord Oakum shall be translating for us), and Darcia and his mom are...well, as normal as they can get.

Darcia's Mom: I want a new pelvis!

Darcia: I am a Jedi!

Oakum: He said: "I am a Jedi".

Awrawra: You're supposed to translate for Toboe!

Oakum: Oh. Toboe said nothing.

Awrawra: Our categories will be: "Places to buy an inflatable friend", "Things associated with toothbrushes ", "Famous 'Rasputin's Throughout Russian History", "The many wonders of 'Larney' plushies contraband", "The EVIL world of the 'Bratz' dolls", and "Just a Bunch of Stupid Questions". Let's begin with Kiba and Jagara.

Kiba: Awrawra, do you have advice for someone trying to pursue a singing telegram career?

Awrawra: Don't quit your plumbing job, Kiba.

Kiba: Oh.

Jagara: We'll choose: "Famous 'Rasputin's throughout Russian History" for 400.

Awrawra: It says: "Despite being drugged, poisoned, beaten up and shot, this Russian character survived until being drowned."

Tsume: Funny. I did all those things to Fidel Castro and he's okay. Wait a second... I knew it! He must be Gandalf's half-brother! And Gloria Estefan must be working with them! That eeeeeeeeeeevil woman... Oh, no! I'm starting to...fall...asleep again...

(buzzer sounds)

Awrawra: Yes, whoever pressed the buzzer?

Darcia: It was me!

Toboe: ¡Fui yo!

Oakum: He said: "It was me!"

Kiba: Wow, you're good!

Oakum: I don't even speak Spanish. I just figured Toboe would say the same thing the others said 'cause he's stupid.

Darcia's Mom: Who was "Isaac Newton"?

Awrawra: Is that your answer?

Darcia's Mom: It's a question, you moron!

Awrawra: Did you just call me moron!? (A/N: Did she just call ME a moron!!!???)

Darcia's Mom: No, I was talking to that little green guy in my head. Don't you just hate him?

Hige: Totally. His name is St. Patrick, I think.

Awrawra: (sigh) Does anyone know the answer?

Jagara: The answer is love and peace, brothers! And if that doesn't work, go with the booze!

Awrawra: Booze... Oh, my God! I just remembered whom I left out of this chapter!

Hige: I knew it! The "My Little Pony" cast!

Awrawra: No, I meant Quent Yaiden.

Quent: (wearing an afro) It's disco time!

Everyone: Huh???

Quent: (singing) Macho, macho man! I've got to be a macho man-AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!! (is chased off by jealous "The Village People" fans)

Awrawra: That was weird...

Blue: (faints)

Awrawra: Whatever. In case you guys didn't figure it out, the answer was "Who was 'Grigory Yefimovich Rasputin'?"

Hige: He must've been Italian.

Awrawra: Hige, just stick to eating hotdogs and toenails.

Hige: I don't eat toenails. (munches on his toenails)

Awrawra: Kiba and Jagara are in control of the board.

Kiba: I'll choose: "The EVIL World of the 'Bratz' Dolls" for 800.

Awrawra: It says: "The EVIL 'Bratz' dolls are known widely by their oversized blanks."

Hige: Can I say something perverted?

Awrawra: Believe me; that's not the answer.

(buzzer sounds)

Awrawra: Yes, Tsume?

Tsume: Coffee! Must... ! Can't... sleep... (falls asleep)

Blue: (wakes up) YAAAAAAAAAH!!! I just had a horrible nightmare! I dreamed the Terminator was the new governor of California!!!

Awrawra: The Terminator IS the new governor of California.

Blue: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! IT'S HAPPENING!!! Next thing you know, the Japanese will attack Pearl Harbor!

Awrawra: That already happened.

Blue: Oh. I must prevent this! I must go back in time or some crap like that in order to make this story more random and funnier! (goes back into time)

Awrawra: Does anyone want to try the 'Bratz' question?

Toboe: No.

Oakum: He said: "No".

Awrawra: Too bad. We would've accepted either "feet" or "lips", since both of them are oversized in a 'Bratz' doll.

Darcia: Awrawra, I need to go to the bathroom.

Awrawra: Go ahead.

Darcia: Mommy, will you come with me?

Darcia's Mom: You want me to walk all the way to the bathroom!? I'm still paying for this leg, you moron!

Kiba: I'm sensing some mother-son hostility here.

Darcia's Mom: ...Say, are you a wolf!?

Everyone: Duh!

Darcia's Mom: YOU MUST DIE!!! (throws her prosthetic leg at Kiba)

Kiba: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Due to the graphic nature of this segment, we would like to distract you by taking some time from our show to thank those generous guys at Taco Bell for their talking Chihuahua. (Thank you)

(back to our show)

Awrawra: Okay, there have been some slight modifications. We were forced to send Darcia and his mom to the local animal refuge, and we've replaced a severely injured Kiba with Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes.

Hige: Hey, cool helmet!

Marvin the Martian: Hasn't anyone told you that you look like Porky Pig?

Hige: DROP DEAD!!!

Blue: (appears out of the blue sky) I'm back from the Pearl Harbor incident. Are things flowing differently?

Awrawra: I think the government suddenly banned Bill Murray movies worldwide.

Toboe: Yay! So going back in time did make the world a better place!

Oakum: He said: "Yay! So going back in time-"

Awrawra: We figured so. How come you're speaking English now, Toboe?

Toboe: I guess I owe it to Blue, who stopped the Japanese from attacking Pearl Harbor.

Awrawra: What does that have to do with anything?

Toboe: I don't know. Haven't you watched "Back to the Future"? You should know that.

Hige: Hey, Blue? How did you stop the Japanese from attacking?

Blue: I rented "Mission Impossible" and played it on an enormous plasma screen to distract them. They just couldn't resist Tom Cruise...

(bell sounds)

Awrawra: It's time for Final Jeopardy! And guess what?

Blue: Cheza's cow got married.

Awrawra: That was a rhetorical question. And, no. I haven't heard of Sirloin Abby ever since she joined the Peace Corps.

(in Africa)

Sirloin Abby (Cheza's cow): Hey, how are we going to feed these poor children if we didn't bring food?

Random Guy: Umm... we did bring food...

Sirloin Abby: Where is it, then?

Random Guy: Right where you are.

Sirloin Abby: But, there are only clothes and shoes in my bag. I understand these children are starved and will eat anything, but would it hurt giving them some actual food?

Random Guy: Actually, we'll give them meat. Beef, to be precise.

Sirloin Abby: ...Why do I suddenly feel like a chocolate chip cookie in a "Chips Ahoy!" commercial?

(back to our studio)

Awrawra: Our category was meant to be "Lord of the Rings", but we figured Tsume would probably kill someone and we cannot afford to taint our reputation like that.

Tsume: (in his sleep) DIE, GANDALF!!! DIE!!! (hits the wall with a spiked club)

Awrawra: Instead, our category will be: "Name that vegetable". We will show you a picture of a vegetable and you shall write down the name of whatever you think it is.

Toboe: Hey, Awrawra?

Awrawra: Yes?

Toboe: Can I hum our theme song in Spanish?

Awrawra: ...Toboe, I believe your granny must've dropped you on your head accidentally when you were a pup.

Toboe: You think I have issues? What about Tsume? He ate the Nesquik Bunny!

Tsume: (wakes up) I knew it! That chocolate-selling rabbit must be behind this master plan!

Awrawra: I...loved that bunny... (sniff, sob) Let's see the picture of our mystery vegetable.

(screen shows picture of a tomato)

Awrawra: Now, write what you think it is. Chances are you'll be wrong, but it makes the story funnier. Write!

(Toboe hums "Jeopardy" theme song)

Toboe: In Spanish!

(in Spanish)

Awrawra: Time's up! Let's see what you guys wrote. Jagara and Marvin the Martian wrote: "Ketchup is a good salad dressing" and they wagered: "Peace and love, brothers!" I believe you just condemned humankind to war and hatred for eternity, since your answer is wrong.

Jagara: I still like ketchup.

Awrawra: Good for you. Next, since Blue embarked herself in a crusade to stop the Terminator from wreaking havoc on Californian citizens, Hige answered for her. He wrote: "That looks like a misshapen slice of bacon" and he wagered, "Turkey bacon, to be precise". That's wrong, Hige. But you still receive the limited edition of the "Larney, the Fuchsia Dinosaur" Barbie doll, which comes with a fuchsia dinosaur costume for Barbie, a miniature Tequila bottle and a paper bag in case she throws up.

Hige: Wow! Can you believe I collect those dolls? I have a "Hotdog man" Barbie doll, but it doesn't include hotdogs, and it looks like a woman....

Awrawra: Whatever. Our last pair, Tsume and Toboe, wrote: "What is a tomato?"… Wow! Is this possible? It looks like you got the right answer! Wait a second… Let's see what they wagered: "Eleventy-hundred-thousand-million dollars". Since that's not a real number, we'll give you instead a wonderful trip to Hollywood!

Toboe: Really!?

Awrawra: No. You won nothing.

Tsume: You're not going to ship me off to Cuba again, are you?

Toboe: Oh, Tsume! Don't you wanna visit Fidel Castro again? I heard he misses doing the conga with you!

Tsume: GAH!!! THE HORROR!!!

Awrawra: No, that's getting old. Let's send you to Toboe's house. Maybe you can check on his dead granny.

Toboe: She's dead??? This is too much for my little heart to bear!

Awrawra: Before you faint, you should know that you were the one who killed her.

Toboe: Oh, okay. (faints)

Blue: (appears out of nowhere) Help!!! Ronald McDonald has taken over the White House!!!

Awrawra: Why???

Blue: He said something about the new Angus beef burgers at Burger King ruining his reputation.

Awrawra: Well, they are Angus...

Hige: This can't go on! We must aid the mentally retarded clown! McDonald's must overcome the evil that is Burger King and their cheap Spiderman toys!

(everyone but Awrawra leaves)

Cher: Hey! Haven't you noticed that you haven't mentioned me in this entire fic?

Awrawra: I have, I just don't care.

Cher: What's that supposed to mean!?

Awrawra: Look it up in a dictionary.

Cher: You're so hurtful! You're just like "Hubb the Blubb"!

Flubber: What did I do?

Cher: Not you! I meant Hubb!

Flubber: Oh.

Awrawra: Whatever. That's all for today's show. Stay tuned for our 10-hour Chevy Chase marathon, coming next on DEF (the best network next to ABC). Good night!

(Toboe hums theme song... in Spanish...although it's hypothetically impossible...)

Author's Note: This used to be a fic in ff.net, but it got deleted for being in script format. There were chapters previous to this one, but they also got deleted. If the fic sounds too confusing, please let me know. Also, if somebody out there knows Michael Jackson's real identity, please let me know. Thanks!

To those big, scary lawyers of every company I just made fun of: Uh, sorry.