Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Frost ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to Yoko Matsushita, and the song used in this fic is Wind's Nocturne.

Lyrics italicized

Pairing: Tsuzuki/Hisoka.

[i]Wishing on a dream that seems far off

Hoping it will come today[/i]

Hisoka had been watching clouds slowly drift over the moon, as he sat at the window sill. Frost had crept delicately on the panes of glass, as winter made its quiet reminder. He pressed his palm against the glass and looked up at the black sky, with solemn wide eyes.

That same feeling had been gnawing at his insides for quite a while. It made him want to wrap his arms around himself and weep.

I don't understand...he thought sadly. He wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his head on his knees, as the boy attemped to sort out his thoughts so he could comprehend this irritating ache that was eating at hisstomach. All thoughts led to Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki?

He turned to see Tsuzuki dozing in a chair. His hair was in his eyes, and he was curled around a pillow. The man's breathing was slow and peaceful.

Hisoka jumped from the window quietly to kneel in front of Tsuzuki. Laying a hand on Tsuzuki's, Hisoka unintentionally began picking up Tsuzuki's breathing pattern, as he watched the man doze.

How can he be this peaceful? Hisoka wondered. I have always wanted to be this lighthearted and- Wait a minute

Hisoka slowly looked down at his hand, which was now holding Tsuzuki's. Tsuzuki had not appeared to notice. He continued to sleep on. Flustured, Hisoka withdrew his hand very quickly. He felt the blood rush to his face, and fell back onto the floor.

You are an idiot....Hisoka scolded himself. The boy buried his head in his arms. Thank goodness he was asleep. Why don't I tell him? He won't take it seriously, he'll laugh it off.

No! I...just won't tell him at all. Hopefully...maybe he'll pick it up and I won't have to tell him a thing. He'll catch on, on his own, and I can salvage my pride and-

"Hisoka?"

What?! Hisoka gasped and threw up his head. Tsuzuki was sitting up, his chin in his hands, with a mixture of confusion and concern on his face.

Tsuzuki slid down to the floor so he was face to face with Hisoka and gave him a smile. "The floor is no place to sleep Hisoka!" he scolded playfully.

Hisoka breathed a sigh of relief, and he released his clenched hands. "I know that!" Hisoka exclaimed, a bit too loudly. His pride was safe. He jumped up, and turned back to the window.

Tsuzuki lifted himself from the floor and picked up his trenchcoat sitting in a heap on the rug. "Hey, Hisoka, Lets go for a walk" he said quietly.

Hisoka watched Tsuzuki through the reflection of the window. The sky was beginning to cloud over, hints of snow. "Fine" he murmured.

[i]Into the starlit night

Foolish dreamers turn their gaze

Waiting on a shootin' star[/i]

The air proved to be very cold, as Hisoka and Tsuzuki made their way down the sloping lawn at the back of Hisoka's apartment. The silence was slightly eerie, as it usually was during a cold winter night.

Tsuzuki was very quiet as he walked slowly. His nose was turned upward to the sky as he watched the clouds slowly obscure the clear sky. However, here and there were little pinpricks of light.

A gust of wind blew bitterly cold wind in their faces. Tsuzuki squinted a little, unaffected apart from his eyes, and looked down at Hisoka who was covering his vulnurable ears. Hisoka's breath misted in front of him as he breathed heavily to keep warm.

Hisoka...he thought with concern. Are you like this because of me? No matter how much I try to protect you...you always are hurting aren't you?

Tsuzuki flung out his arm to prevent Hisoka from going any further.

"Hisoka..." he whispered hesitantly. "Are you...upset...about something?"

Hisoka accidentally knocked into Tsuzuki's outstretched arm.

Hisoka flung up his head to look defensively into Tsuzuki's face. "Idiot! Why would I be?!"

Tsuzuki looked sadly down at him. "Hisoka..." he murmured. He slowly lowered his hands to rest on Hisoka's which were still clutching his ears defensively against the cold.

"Are your ears cold any more Hisoka?" He asked sadly.

Hisoka's eyes widened when Tsuzuki laid his hands on his own. As they touched his own, an intense sadness swamped over him, feeling as if his knees were about to buckle underneath him. Tsuzuki also felt as if he were about to cry...

"Tsuzuki! What are you doing?" Hisoka whispered, terrified. He felt Tsuzuki's hands tremble as they were held over Hisoka's.

[i]But

What if that star is not to come

Will their dreams fade to nothing?

When the horizon darkens most

We all need to believe there is hope[/i]

Tsuzuki wrapped his fingers around Hisoka's and continued to press their hands against Hisoka's numb ears. Hisoka's heart thumped violently against his chest.

Do I really continue to hurt him? I can see he is confused...Hisoka...I am confused too...I know that you... Tsuzuki cut out of his own thoughts as he felt a tear fall down his cheek onto Hisoka's hands. He fell to his knees as a lump emerged in his throat, and wrapped his arms around Hisoka's head, pulling him against his own neck.

Hisoka choked a cry when he felt Tsuzuki's tear fall on his hand. The boy stumbled backward onto the grass as Tsuzuki wrenched him backward to his chest.

Tsuzuki was shaking violently now with his sobs. The man's hair was plastered to his face with his tears, and he threw an arm across Hisoka's chest and drew him closer, as he cried.

"Hisoka...I never want to hurt you...I can see that your upset about something...b-but I know it is my fault and I-I-I just don't know what to-"

Tsuzuki broke off and buried his face in Hisoka's shoulder.

A tear trickled down Hisoka's face, and froze from the viciously cold wind that tore at them as they lay in the cold grass. Slowly, Hisoka lowered a hand and clasped Tsuzuki's that was drawn across his chest, trapping Hisoka in Tsuzuki's hold. Tsuzuki feels the same way I do...I was so afraid to tell him...

[i]Is an angel watching closely over me?

Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?

Hisoka turned, and with his free hand, combed Tsuzuki's hair back.[/i]

"Tsuzuki...you fool..." he muttured sadly. Two more tears escaped from his eyes. "You have never hurt me!" Hisoka choked. "You are the only one who hasn't hurt me. Pick up your head" Hisoka finished, whispering quietly. He shivered slightly as the wind froze the tears that fell down his cheeks.

I am the only one who hasn't...hurt him?

Tsuzuki slowly picked up his head to look into Hisoka's face. Tears now fell freely down Hisoka's cheeks. He clenched Tsuzuki's hand hard.

"Tsuzuki...all this time I wanted to cry...and I had no idea why..."

Hisoka ignored his concious' protest of contact with another as he buried his face in Tsuzuki's chest. Hisoka threw his free hand around Tsuzuki's waist, bringing him closer as he cried.

He felt the same way I did...now he can see me cry... Hisoka thought as he let go of Tsuzuki's hand and flung his other arm around him as he sobbed harder. His heart stopped thumping against his chest. This contact...was not vicious or manipulative. Hisoka's body needed a reminder of that.

Slowly, Tsuzuki lifted his arm, and threw his trenchcoat over Hisoka. Helowered his arms, to return Hisoka's embrace, and laid his cheek on Hisoka's head, and closed his eyes.

[i]I know my heart should guide me but

Theres a hole within my soul

What will fill this emptiness inside of me[/i]

Tsuzuki has always made me feel wanted...and I never told him anything personal containing him...I am such a coward... Hisoka thought. How long was he hurting when he didn't know what I was feeling? He blamed himself. He thought it was his fault...

Hisoka lifted his head and met Tsuzuki's tear streaked face. "I am sorry Tsuzuki..."

Tsuzuki gave Hisoka a sad smile, and brushed bangs out of Hisoka's eyes.

"Don't be sorry Hisoka" he whispered. "I know what you felt"

I knew when I felt you hold my hand when I was sleeping. I have done that to you so many times Hisoka. I've been frightened, terrified, to tell you.

[i]Am I to be satisfied without knowing

I wish then for a chance to see

Now all I need,

Is my star to come...[/i]

Tsuzuki stroked Hisoka's tear streaked cheek, and gave a warm weary smile.

He ran his fingers through the boy's hair and rested his forehead on Hisoka's. Tears continued to fall out of Tsuzuki's eyes, and they landed on Hisoka's face.

Hisoka lifted his hands and clasped them together to the back of Tsuzuki'shead. "Why are you crying Tsuzuki?" Hisoka whispered.

Tsuzuki threw his trenchcoat over them again, securing the warmth betweenthe two. "The same reason you are" he smiled warmly, and tenderly kissed Hisoka's forehead. He wrapped his arms around Hisoka securly, androcked back and forth, in a motherly way.

"I wish I could have told you sooner Tsuzuki"

"So do I Hisoka..."

Feedback greatly appreciated, flames accepted