Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Hisoka's Problem ❯ Hisoka's Problem ( Chapter 1 )

Hisoka's Problem

By Ebony Nemesis

Genre: Humour

Summary: On a hot day, Hisoka panics over a problem he has no idea how to deal with. Yes, it IS what you think.

Rating: M15+

Warning: TINY bit of OOC, Yaoi, adult themes, sarcasm (this story's dripping with it), black humour¡­ no spoilers

Pairing: Hisoka/Tsuzuki, hints of Tatsumi/Watari and Terazuma/Wakaba

Kurosaki Hisoka fanned his face irritatingly. The heat of the late summer afternoon made doing anything constructive near impossible. The reports and paper work Hisoka was supposed to do have effectively become his fan¡­ partly because Enmancho, despite the "modern facilities" and the "comfortable atmosphere"- had no air-conditioning, also -Hisoka sighed- he just could not absorb any information in form of tiny letters on those glaring white sheets! So now, the reports have effectively been folded into paper fans and moving at such a rapid rate that they are seen as nothing but white blurs around Hisoka, who was trying in vain to create SOME sort of wind... breeze¡­ hell, anything to take away the damp moisture that is making his shirt stick to his body.

God, he was ready to sacrifice his teeth for something that would ultimately destroy them¡­ an ice-cream. In fact, he'd even PAY Tsuzuki to buy one for him.

NO, no Hisoka, don't go there, don't even think about¡­

"'SOKA-CHAN!" Hisoka grimaced¡­ that voice, that exceedingly joyful, excessively enthusiastic, deep, masculine¡­ What the hell am I thinking!

"Hisoka, are you alright?" Tsuzuki, who else but that exceedingly joyful, enthusiastic, sexy ¡­no stop it! What's with me!? Hisoka felt his unavoidable blush reflex activating. Hisoka looked up and unexpectedly met Tsuzuki's violet orbs¡­ god he's ¡­no, I do not think he's sexy!

~You're only denying the truth. ~

Shut up, who are you anyway?

~Who do you think? I'm the clich¨¦d, totally predictable presence inside every fan-fiction character's mind, the voice! I mean dude I always come out when somebody thinks another character in the fan-fiction (often the same sex) is sexy/gorgeous/beautiful/charming/adorable/MASCULINE/sexy¡­ oh wait, I mentioned sexy¡­ anyway, so obviously I'm going to come out right now and say the complete opposite to what you're saying and be mean and cynical to you and also make sarcastic comments and sound like Professor Snape from Harry Potter¡­ wait, I shouldn't bring that out because it has nothing to do with Yami No Matsuei but by now you really should be familiar¡­~

Are you always this annoying?

~Yes, why? Hey, wait a minute! ~

A hand laid firmly but tenderly on his shoulder disrupted Hisoka's conversation with his inner Lord of the Flies (I have to drag that in there somewhere!). He startled and saw that Tsuzuki's overblown face was so close to him. Hisoka leant backwards due to the fact that this surprised him beyond his wits; unfortunately, the chairs in the Enmancho were also very "modern" and therefore gave out due to their "modern" designs. Hisoka landed with a "thud" on the floor, hitting his head quite painfully.

"Ow¡­" Hisoka just made the understatement of the year.

"Hisoka-chan, are you hurt?" Tsuzuki was getting quite anxious, usually it's him who is the klutz around this place, however, it looks like that Hisoka has just replaced him for that title¡­ no, I cannot let that happen¡­ what if Hisoka's untrained body actually breaks itself during one of it's performances¡­ oh wait, I think this already happened¡­

"BAKA!" Hisoka broke his record, for he made yet another understatement of the year. And he also succeeded in sounding like Sara from Angel Sanctuary OAV.

We must not be prejudiced against Hisoka because of what he's saying because frankly, he had a point in the two syllabled word he uttered. Ok, picture this- if you fall backwards from a chair, you're most likely be still "sitting" in it, except the centre of your gravity would be on your spine instead of your backside, but otherwise you would still be in the same position as you are sitting. Now picture somebody who is straddling you across your chest and putting their face so close you to you that you could see the little mole he has on the side of his ear¡­ and their purple orb is staring so worriedly into your eyes that you feel a giddy feeling inside your stomach¡­ ok, scratch that sentence¡­ and despite the "romance of this situation, you're suffocating. And not only that, the presence of a very large and heavy object on a HOT day is NOT very comfortable, at all.

That was the situation Hisoka was in, and it was Tsuzuki who was suffocating him, so the "baka" had been uttered, despite the resemblance to how Sara says it from Angel Sanctuary, chokingly and gagged.

"Mou, 'Soka- chaaaaaan¡­" Tsuzuki was certainly living up to the form of "endearment" Hisoka had just entitled him to. This is not only because he stayed on Hisoka's chest and had no intention of getting up; he was also starting to WHINE¡­ right where he is¡­ which means he has no intention of doing anything except to whine. And bluntly, Hisoka was getting quite irritated.

"Tsuzuki¡­ get up¡­ you're *cough, cough* choking me *gag*¡­" Oh, third time is the charm¡­ Hisoka seems very fond of understatements at this moment.

"Sorry 'Soka-chan." Tsuzuki climbed up from Hisoka's chest after contemplating the meaning and later the relativity of Hisoka's retched sentence for about five minutes, at the same time successfully making Hisoka's face even redder due to absence of oxygen. Tsuzuki held up a hand for Hisoka to get up. Then realized that Hisoka's legs were elevated by a chair so that they were higher than his head and it is not quite possible to actually get up by just a hand. Tsuzuki lifted the blond from the "comfortable" position and settled him upright like he was some kind of rag doll who didn't have a vestibular labyrinth (1) and didn't have a sense of balance. Now unfortunately Hisoka was NOT a rag doll and DID have a vestibular labyrinth, and also he hit his head pretty hard during the fall, so by the time he was "straightened up" by Tsuzuki, he was seeing three of his "redeemer".

There is something wrong with Tsuzuki, except for the fact that I can currently see three of him¡­ Hisoka thought hard¡­ then it dawned on him, and he gaped like he'd seen his own parents doing naughty things at each other. (Gross!)

"Tsu¡­ Tsu¡­ you're..." Hisoka's face, if possible, went another one and a half shade redder. His cheeks burned, actually, his entire body burned, but now because of the heat.

"Aw come on Hisoka, you don't expect me to wear any shirt or ties in this weather do you? In deed, look at Watari, and Tatsumi and Terazuma, they're all topless. Even *shiver* the boss is topless."

See, that was Hisoka's main dilemma. Tsuzuki, ASATO Tsuzuki was topless and was in fact, very, very ¡­.I will not say the word!

~Aw come on honey, you know you want to. ~

WHAT did you call me?

~You know your Chinese name sounds so the same as honey. ~ (2)

I'm NOT EVEN CHINESE! GOD are you always this annoying AND dense?

~I'm making you pay for that! ~

Why do I suddenly have a feeling that it's the author I'm talking to?

~Hey no fair, how come you have to be goddamned smart all the time? ~

Tsuzuki meanwhile was getting more and more concerned with Hisoka's changing face. He was frowning, then he was grimacing, then he was rolling his eyes. Tentatively, Tsuzuki put his palm against Hisoka's forehead. "Hisoka! You're burning up!" frantically, Tsuzuki started unbuttoning Hisoka's shirt.

THAT snapped Hisoka out of his little conversation with yours sincerely. Dumbstruck, he could only watch as Tsuzuki push his shirt off his shoulders. Then Tsuzuki proceeded to take off his jeans and Hisoka literally snapped.

"Moron! What are you doing!?" Hisoka jumped back 2 meters from Tsuzuki, effectively knocking over two tables in the process. The colour of his face was edging past crimson and towards purple very rapidly.

"You're burning up Hisoka, we have to get you out of these clothes or you would get a heat stroke or something."

"You IDIOT I'm a shinigami! I won't die of a heat stroke!" Hisoka buttoned up his jeans, and that¡¯s when he¡­

Face it, Hisoka is a normal *almost normal* teenage shinigami who is full of hormones like every other sixteen year old boy and well, when his *unsolicited* object of affection tries to take off his pants, he gets an reaction like most teenagers do. However, it is mentioned before that Hisoka is an ALMOST normal teenager, "almost" being the operative word in the sentence¡­ paragraph¡­ hell, story¡­ and he has never heard of sex in terms of a good way, not even an ALMOST good way. He doesn't understand the concept of an (cringe, hate sexual words) erection, and therefore starts to panic. This, however, is all effectively ignored by unusually smart purple eyed shinigami.

"Um, Hisoka, I didn't say you were going to die¡­" Tsuzuki answered a bit confused, he realized that Hisoka was getting more and more purple and tiny beads of sweat that formed on Hisoka's forehead seem to evaporate before they CAN actually form tiny beads of sweat on Hisoka's forehead. "Hisoka, what's wrong?"

Hisoka was frozen in his place despite the heat. He didn't know what to do; in fact, he didn't even know what was happening to him. Panic settled in his stomach as he felt it turn and tumble and he was at a complete loss of how to react to this situation. It was even worse than Muraki attacking him; at least he knew that a bad thing was going to happen very soon. But now, now the peculiar and foreign feeling is taking over his body and he didn't even KNOW what it was¡­

And Tsuzuki was at a loss of how to react to this situation as well. He stood cogitating on why Hisoka was so unresponsive, even less responsive than usual and what exactly was the cause of this¡­ this¡­ turning-more-purple business that Hisoka was experiencing. Hisoka's hands stayed on the buttons of his jeans after he finished buttoning them for ten minutes.

Tsuzuki gently placed both hands on his partner's shoulders, looking concerned at the younger boy. "Hisoka, tell me what's wrong."

And Hisoka broke down¡­ he started sobbing uncontrollably.

Now Tsuzuki is panicking. Hisoka NEVER cries unless it's something VERY serious (read, involving Muraki). "Oh god Hisoka, tell me, what's the matter? Who's bothering you? Is it Muraki again? Hisoka?"

Hisoka sobbed even more. When the feeling was *finally* starting to go away, it returned, more intensely and the reaction was more severe, when Tsuzuki laid his hands on Hisoka's BARE shoulders. And Hisoka, being one at extreme anxiety and fear, started to cry. "It¡­ it won't go away."

Tsuzuki panicked even more, "What? What won't go away? Is it a demon? Is it Muraki? Is it your¡­ you know what? Oh god, we've got to go see Watari, RIGHT NOW!"

But Hisoka couldn't hear a thing. "Why won't it stop?"

"Hisoka, Hisoka look at me! What won't stop?"

Hisoka looked up with big emeralds that leaked liquid crystal (vomits) "I don't know what it is Tsuzuki, it makes my body go all strange¡­ I'm so frightened. I don't know what it is!"

"That's it, to Watari's lab, RIGHT NOW!" And without asking, Tsuzuki picked up Hisoka like a ragged doll which had no vestibular labyrinth nor have a sense of balance, and raced to Watari's lab at top speed. Hisoka's not so little problem increased (excuse the pun) due to this and he was even more frightened. Burying his face against Tsuzuki's BARE neck and shoulder, he sobbed even more loudly and rubbed his nose against Tsuzuki's skin. Tsuzuki's panic added to his as the emotions ran wild between where their skin contacted and Hisoka sobbed even more as his distress mounted due to Tsuzuki's.

Tsuzuki's thundering footsteps aroused many spectators, Terazuma and Wakaba included. As they saw both topless and Hisoka clinging to Tsuzuki for dear life, all of them sighed with relief. Wakaba sobbed in happiness. "Isn't it sweet? They're finally getting together."

"About damned time as well." Terazuma sulked, he would never have the courage to ask Wakaba out¡­ she's just a kid, and he feel like a paedophile if he ever did that. She's going to drive me crazy one day.

Then Wakaba looked at Terazuma, who was sexy and sweaty (irony!) and she drooled.

Anyway, back to our couple who's currently under a lot of stress and who are both panicking even more than when they were in the Nagasaki Series. Hisoka's distressed sobs was tearing out Tsuzuki's heart, he wished that he could do anything to ease whatever pain Hisoka was in and comfort and sooth his angst. But the trouble was that neither of them knew what was happening to Hisoka (actually if Hisoka told Tsuzuki then Tsuzuki would probably understand, but AS IF you're going to tell your *unsolicited* object of affection that you have an (cringe, dislike of sexual words) erection). So when they reached Watari's Lab, Tsuzuki kicked open the door without hesitation. Normally he would have knocked, but this time, his hands were full of a shaking and wretched Hisoka and he was panicking too much to actually knock at all.

Watari looked up in surprise¡­ wait, scratch that, Watari SAT up in surprise¡­ wait¡­ Watari SAT up and PUSHED SOMEONE OFF HIM in surprise¡­ no¡­ WATARI SAT UP AND PUSHED TATSUMI OFF¡­.

"Wat¡­ Tat¡­" Tsuzuki gawked at the two whose pants were VERY wrinkled and whose lips were swollen and whose hair were messy. Well, at lease Watari's were, the blond locks were released from his plait and fell in a cascade of gold spun thread (vomit some more). Tatsumi's hair was just a little matted. Actually, looking at Tatsumi, he looked like he was going to kill someone.

"TSUZUKI ASATO! Don't you know how to knock?!" Tatsumi asked unhappily, standing up and straightening out his pants.

"I'm¡­ I'm so sorry, see¡­ 'Soka-chan¡­ he¡­"

"Oh my god Bon, what's wrong no da?" (Great, he sounds like Ryuichi from Gravitation or Chichiri from Fushigi Yuugi) Watari attempted to redo his hair but obviously it was unsuccessful, so he ended up just tying it in a pony tale. He picked up Hisoka from Tsuzuki and sat the hysterically sobbing¡­ near howling Hisoka down on a chair.

Hisoka's sobbing calmed down a little, but he was still scared to death, his body was just calming down when Tsuzuki had to walk them in on such a compromising moment¡­the feeling returned and Hisoka began to feel a sense of apprehending calamity. Maybe this thing would never go away¡­

"Bon, tell me what's wrong, please stop crying." Watari gave Hisoka a box of tissues and Hisoka set about clearing the left over stock from his "spaghetti making factory" located on the centre of his face and which have already sent stock onto Tsuzuki's shoulder. "If you want I can make them go away and you can talk to me privately, ok?'

Hisoka nodded.

Watari looked at Tsuzuki and Tatsumi. "Could you boys go out for a while?"

"Aw, 'Soka-chaaaaaaaaaan why are you kicking me out¡­ owie, Tatsumi, let go!" Tsuzuki was effectively dragged away by all powerful shadows from the all powerful shadow master who was currently really pissed because he has the exact same problem as Hisoka at the moment, but they don't know that otherwise Hisoka wouldn't have panicked that much and this story wouldn't be in existence¡­

After Watari closed the door, locked the door, closed the window, locked the window, he even shooed 003 out, who complained more loudly than Tsuzuki when you snatch his sweets away from him. Watari in the end had the cut a bit of his hair so 003 could chew on it and finally she consented to staying outside.

"Now, Bon, tell me what's wrong."

"I¡­ I don't know." Hisoka sobbed. He was feeling a lot better now that there was no topless Tsuzuki and no compromising scenes involving Watari and Tatsumi¡­ "Are you and Tatsumi¡­ what were you doing?" Hisoka asked confused. He didn't quite get the drift of things. Actually, he didn¡¯t get the drift of things at all.

Watari went a bit frigid (excuse the sarcasm) "Um¡­ we¡­"

"Were you two trying to do some strange experiments?" Hisoka asked with unblemished innocence.

Watari sweat-dropped. "Hisoka, how much do you know about sex?"

Hisoka blushed and concentrated on entwining and undoing the entwining of his fingers. "N¡­ not much, just that it's very bad and it hurts and it¡­ it's¡­" he trailed off.

Watari sighed. "I guess you've never been given 'the talk' right?"

Hisoka looked up. "Huh?"

"So nobody's ever told you about the birds and the bees?"

"What birds and bees? I didn't go to high school, so I didn't do biology."

Watari pulled his golden locks, frustrated. "Alright Hisoka, it's about time I gave you what you should have been given by your father a long time ago¡­"

And so, after waiting for about three hours, Hisoka finally opened the door and looked at Tsuzuki, and blushed again. Tatsumi rolled his eyes. "Oh for god's sake¡­" He exclaimed and went into Watari's lab and slammed the door. Inside, the sound of locking and the sound of a chair being moved against the entrance of the room (circumlocution is fun!) was heard.

Tsuzuki smiled at his partner. "So, did you get your problem sorted out?"

Hisoka nodded, a slight blush still tainted his cheeks and he looked down on the ground, studying it as if it was his bane of life.

Tsuzuki tilted his face up so Hisoka was staring at him in the eyes. "Would you like to share it with me?"

Hisoka was a bit surprised at Tsuzuki's closeness. "I¡­" he panicked. He really didn't know what he was going to say to his partner. How am I supposed to tell him that I'm in lust/love with him?

Tsuzuki raised an eyebrow as he saw that Hisoka had spaced out again. "Never mind then, Hisoka. You'll tell me eventually. You trust me no?"

Hisoka nodded as he half heard the question. "Tsuzuki, I¡­"

"Let's go for ice-cream, or cheesecake, or milkshake!" Tsuzuki grabbed Hisoka's wrist and dragged him off to the nearest ice-cream store/cake store/caf¨¦ on earth.

"Baka, we have to wear something!"

"It's ok, it's not like you're a girl or something!"

"You're an idiot, you idiot!" (VERY creative Hisoka)

"You're so mean no¡­ 'Soka-chaaaaaaaaaan¡­"

~Owari~

Ebony Nemesis's Notes: And that's it! The story I thought up of when I was supposed to do my English essay¡­ which is why a lot of this is very mocking and very "eloquent". I'm still stuck on my English essay and it is due in six hours¡­ dear Adonis, I'm gonna die! And that is the exact reason why I was so sarcastic throughout the fic.

(1) Vestibular labyrinth is the thing in your ear which controls your balance.

(2) "Hisoka" means "secret" which is pronounced "mi" in Chinese, which is the same pronunciation as "honey"

I know, I should have let 'Soka and Asato kiss¡­ but then again, one's gotta leave some room for imagination. And isn't Tatsumi and Watari cute?

Now, if only critical literature came as easily as this fic¡­

REVIEW! THANK YOU!